A god awful tie... (ch1/?)
Title: A god awful tie... (ch 1/?)
Pairing: none, unless House/Foreman forced co-operation counts
Author: alanwolfmoon
Rating: PG
Summary: House treats some odd diseases, but even he doesn't know the cure to the one affecting PPTH
Disclaimer: MINE! ALL MINE!....uh, no. Not mine.
Notes: Reviews and flames alike are welcome. (They make it look like I'm writing fast) Had a hankering to write something cute. This resulted. Flee in terror. Posted to House_crack.
House blinked, paused, shut his eyes, opened them, shut them again, rubbed them, and opened them again. The view didn’t change. In the split second that he had blinked, Chase had shrunk to about three year old size. Cameron and Foreman were both staring at him.
House had just opened his mouth to make the appropriate sort of comment for when your youngest staff member suddenly makes his title very, very obvious, when there was a knock on his door.
There was a lady, bald, baggy eyed, pale faced. House deduced that she was probably one of Wilson’s patients in about the same time it had taken him to blink. What he did not figure out immediately, was why the woman was leading a four year old clad only in a shirt that looked like a very loose dress, and a tie. A god awful tie...
House got up, ignoring Chase, who was being gawked at quite enough by his two fellows, and opened the door.
“Um... hi. Look, this is going to sound very, very strange, but-”
“The head of oncology just turned into a four year old?”
She blinked.
House jerked his thumb in the general direction of the differential room.
“The same thing just happened here. And this pretty much proves that I’d recognized his taste in ties anywhere.”
House jumped a little, when the four year old Wilson tugged on his left pant leg.
“What? Please tell me you haven’t gone back to four year old memories...”
“Howse?”
House sighed, as relived as it is possible to be when confronted by your best friend, who has just skipped turning forty one, and chosen instead to lose the zero, without adding the one.
“I’ll handle him...”
The woman nodded thankfully and hurried towards the elevators.
“What, Wilson?”
“I’m b-bored...”
“You stutter?”
Wilson looked as though House had just told a bully that Wilson wet the bed.
“D-don’t l-l-l-l- ”
House interrupted him, ruffling his hair.
“Just curious.”
“Oh...”
House rolled his eyes, taking mini-Wilson’s hand.
“Come on. You can play with Chase, or something.”
House led Wilson into the differential room, and was rather unpleasantly surprised to find Cameron, now almost as small, explaining something that sounded suspiciously like a tea party to Chase.
House eyed Foreman warily.
Foreman eyed House warily.
Neither of them changed size.
Foreman sighed, and broke up the minor tussle that had occurred after Chase had told Cameron that her tea party idea was stupid. Or, in his words, ninnypoopy.
House looked down again, as Wilson hugged his left leg, hiding behind it.
“Uh, Wilson...”
“Th-they’re noisy...”
“They’re four. So are you.”
“I’m sc-sc-scared...” mumbled Wilson in reply, burying his face in House’s pant leg.
House just blinked down at him, bewildered.
“Uh, House?” House looked up.
Foreman was holding the two mini-diagnosticians, one under each arm.
“What? You’ve got it under control.”
“Cameron’s shirt is falling off and she’s not happy about her bra.”
House snorted.
“Wilson, let go. I need to go somewhere, which involves walking, which involves me moving that leg, which will involve you getting accidentally kicked if you hang on.”
Wilson let go, looking like he was about to cry.
House sighed.
“Look, can you stay here and not break or eat anything?”
“I d-don’ w-wanna... I’m s-s-scared, howse...”
House’s eyebrow twitched. He was torn between finding the whole situation unbearably irritating, and finding it incredibly endearing. He’d never really developed any misanthropy when it came to small children.
He settled on annoying for Cameron and Chase, endearing for Wilson.
Foreman seemed to have formed a similar opinion about his fellows, and was waiting impatiently for an extra pair of hands.
House leaned his cane on a chair, lifted Wilson onto the couch, and limped over to help Foreman.
Chase was now dressed in much the same way as Wilson, although with better taste in ties. Cameron seemed to be having some difficulty with her wide neck top, and apparently very uncomfortable bra.
House sighed, took her from Foreman, who switched to holding Chase under the armpits with both hands.
“House! What are you doing?!” she screamed, outraged.
“Stop squirming.”
House stood her on the table, slipped the bra out from under the neck, then studied the shirt. There was no way it was going to stay on the girl’s tiny shoulders, so he tied it off around her waist. It looked like a demented poodle skirt.
“House!” she shouted, her four year old’s voice shrill.
“Oh shut up. There’s nothing there to see, and the whole thing was going to fall off.”
She stuck her chin out and hopped off the table, onto a chair, and then the floor.
“I’m not going anywhere without a shirt.”
House shooed her into a corner, then went back to Wilson, leaving Foreman to deal with Chase.
“Look, Cameron needs a shirt, and I need to prove to Cuddy that I’m not just making up a stupider excuse than usual for not taking any cases.”
“Can I c-come with y-you?”
“That’s what I was saying.”
“R-really?”
“Yes...”
Wilson looked up, his eyes even bigger in proportion to his face than they were when he was an adult.
House retrieved his cane from the chair, Wilson following him.
“I’m going to tell Cuddy what’s going on... and get Cameron a shirt so she’ll stop crying.”
Foreman looked up from attempting to remove the squirming mini-Chase’s tie (Cameron had tried to choke him with it) and nodded.
“Just don’t leave me here...”
House snorted.
“As inviting as that is, I really do prefer not having my best friend act like I’m his mom...”
Foreman snorted, shaking his head at the bizarrety of the entire situation.
As House limped down the hallway, he noticed Wilson struggling to keep up, not nearly as energetic as the other two.
“Wilson... are you just tired or something?” he asked, waiting for the little boy for the fifth time.
Wilson finally caught up, looking winded.
“No...k-kinda...” he panted.
House frowned, watching the boy.
The little version of his friend seemed so much different from his adult version, that House had to wonder what had happened in-between. He seemed very shy, and physically awkward.
House shrugged to himself, and knelt stiffly down, waiting.
Wilson blinked at him.
“Piggy back. It’s gonna take forever to get to Cuddy’s office at this rate.”
Wilson’s already large eyes widened.
“R-really?”
House frowned. Why did Wilson expect so little? Because it was House? Wilson was one of the very few people who knew he didn’t mind kids...
Wilson clambered clumsily up, holding on with both his arms and legs.
House winced slightly at the extra weight on his thigh as he stood up, but Wilson only weighed thirty or so pounds, and he was holding on by himself, House didn’t have use his left hand to hold him on.
House got a very large number of odd looks as he headed towards the elevator, but less than he would have expected. He realized why this was, when he passed a nurse’s station and saw a very small version of nurse Brenda, her nametag pinned on the front of the large sweater she was wearing, sitting on top of the counter, looking bored. Apparently this hadn’t been limited to the fourth floor. She waved at either him or Wilson as they passed. Wilson hid his face in the back of House’s shirt.
House blinked when he reached Cuddy’s office. He had been expecting to find a queue of people demanding to see the dean of medicine about why their doctor had suddenly turned into a four year old. There was nobody.
House turned back to the nurses station, found all the adults busy, and looked at nurse Brenda.
“Where’s Cuddy?”
She giggled.
“Don’t know. They figure she got kiddy size too, but nobody knows where she was when it happened. Hehe, kiddy Cuddy...” she dissolved into a fit of giggles.
House rolled his eyes, noticing that Wilson tightened his grip when she started laughing.
He limped back over to Cuddy’s office, guessing that nobody was actually in the mood to look for yet another mini-doctor.
“Cuddy?” he called, pushing open the glass doors.
No answer.
House limped further into the room, deposited Wilson on top of Cuddy’s desk, and leaned over, peering past the chair.
Cuddy was curled up, holding her shirt together in front, looking terrified that someone had found her. She looked to be about five.
“House?” she asked, unclenching slightly.
“Cuddy? Why are you under there?”
“My shirt’s too big...”
“Yes, I can see that.”
“I can’t go out there! They’ll see me!”
“What is it with girls? You don’t have any boobs, you’re five. Nobody’s gonna care if a little bit peaks through.”
Cuddy stared at him.
“Girls? I’m not the only one?”
“You’re not the only girl and you’re certainly not the only person. So far I know Chase, Cameron, nurse Brenda, and Wilson are like this. Although you are the only one that seems older than four.”
“Wilson?” she asked, obviously having trouble imagining the mature department head as a four year old.
“W-what? You th-think it’s f-f-f-f-” House put his hand on Wilson’s head, ruffling the light brown hair.
“She’s five. You’re four. How much maturity are you expecting?”
Wilson looked at House, sheepish.
“S-sorry.”
House shrugged.
Cuddy peeked out from under the desk.
“Sorry Wilson. I didn’t mean to laugh... it was just funny cus you’re so much a grown up when you’re big.”
Wilson, who had jerked back as far as he could without sitting on the keyboard, slowly crept back towards the edge.
“You d-don’t th-think I’m w-weird?”
Cuddy, now laying on her back with her shirt forgotten, shrugged.
“Why would I think you’re weird? You talk funny, but that’s your brain’s fault, not yours.”
House raised an eyebrow.
“Do you guys still know medical stuff?”
“I’m not a guy!” screeched Cuddy, shoving the edges of her v-neck together again and causing Wilson to jump so much he would have fallen head first off the desk if House hadn’t caught him around the middle, stopping his flight.
He was shivering, and as House sat down in Cuddy’s office chair he curled up, holding on to House’s shirt and pressing his face into his friend’s side. House felt his shirt growing wet near Wilson’s head.
Cuddy looked extremely apologetic, but knew better than to say anything. House rolled his eyes and shooed her out towards the glass doors. Cuddy scrambled towards them, still upset that she had scared Wilson so badly, and stopped, trying vainly to open the hydraulic resisted glass. She gave up and sat down in a corner, giving Wilson as much privacy as she could.
“Howse...” mumbled Wilson, sniffing.
“What?”
“I’m s-sorry.”
“Sorry for what?”
“Being a sc-scaredy c-c-cat.”
House sighed. He hated doing this part, even if he didn’t mind kids. Confidence building was not his thing.
“You’re not a scaredy cat, you’re four and shy.” blegh... touchy-feely. He was going to have to shower after this.
Wilson didn’t seem to take House’s word for it, and continued sobbing.
Somebody opened the door, and House looked up.
Foreman, Chase and Cameron in tow. Cameron was wearing a children’s hospital gown.
“Oh. There you are.”
“No, I didn’t lie about leaving.”
“Figured that after I saw you still in the hospital.”
“What are you doing down here?”
“Well, I was looking for nurse Brenda. Chase isn’t potty trained and I don’t know where we have diapers.”
“He isn’t potty trained?”
Wilson looked up.
Foreman blinked at the tearstains.
“You’re still big?”
Foreman looked down, jumping when he saw mini-Cuddy.
“Cuddy? You’re older than the rest of them...”
“I am? Oh, yeah, House said that too... Cool! I’m the oldest kid!” she giggled. Foreman looked traumatized.
“Ch-Chase?”
He looked at Wilson, still curled in the upper part of House’s lap, apparently too cautious to get anywhere near the painful area, even as a four year old.
“Dr. Wilson?” Chase’s voice was extremely high pitched for a boy, and he looked lost. If either Cuddy or Cameron had been adults they would have been instinctually compelled to hug him.
Wilson blinked, then hid his face in House’s shirt once again.
Foreman raised an eyebrow.
“He sure is shy, huh?”
House nodded, looking down at Wilson with a surprising amount of care in his expression. Foreman wrote it off as some weird thing between the two of them, and focused his attention back on Cuddy.
Chase watched this with wide blue eyes, then ducked behind Foreman, looking upset. Cameron walked over to him, tilting her head.
“What’s wrong?”
Chase whimpered.
“Chase?” asked Foreman, blinking.
“How come... keep callin’ me my dad?”
Foreman raised an eyebrow.
“You mean calling you Chase?”
“Yeah.”
“We’ve always called you Chase...” said Cameron.
“I know.... but my dad’s Chase. I’m Robby. Why’d’ya never call me that?”
Foreman sighed.
“Because House calls everybody by their last name and he’s the first person all of us heard talk to you.”
“But I’m not supposed to be called Chase...”
House glanced up at the three year old.
“Why not?”
“Cus dad said Chases aren’t stupid.”
House raised an eyebrow.
“Don’t, House. If you want to find out something like that, do it when he’s got some sort of defense.”
House rolled his eyes, but didn’t continue questioning the young child.
“You’re peeing on Cuddy’s carpet!” screeched Cameron, pointing an accusing finger at Chase. Wilson started crying again at the loud noise.
“Um, Ch... Robby, can you try to do that on the tiles at least?” asked Foreman, uncomfortable. House snorted.
Chase looked down, then at Cameron, who was still screaming in indignation (House thought she was probably just using the opportunity to scare Wilson) and pointing at the yellow stream. He started crying.
Cuddy, watching the pee fall onto her carpet, apparently got too annoyed for her five year old brain to handle, and started yelling along with Cameron.
Chase sat down, curling into a ball, and putting his hands over his ears, rocking back and forth.
Foreman knelt down, putting his hands over the two girls’ mouths.
“Stop it. I think he’s sorry.”
Chase looked up, saw the girls couldn’t follow him, and dashed over to House, clambering up to join Wilson.
House sighed, watching the two young boys cry into his shirt.
Foreman sighed as well, leading the two enraged (or rather, grossed out and offended) girls out of the room.
several hours later, the girls were settled in the differential room, asleep on the couch, Wilson was still refusing to let go of House, and was sleeping fitfully curled next to his friend in the recliner.
Foreman came in, brandishing a hard won package of diapers and carrying a sleepy looking Chase on his hip. “Thankfully, Chase made a friend when he was working in the nicu, and she was still grown up. She thought he was unbelievably cute like this, and deserving of diapers.”
House sighed, relived. The general consensus of the remaining adults working in the hospital was that everyone should take care of the affected in their own department, with the exception of people who wanted to take care of their friends, and were certainly allowed to do so. Unfortunately for the diagnostics department, this left the two most misanthropic members to look after four mini-doctors. Somebody from oncology had dropped by to take Wilson, but the boy had started bawling when he had been asked to let go of House. Cuddy didn’t actually work in any specific department, and the closest thing to a group of coworkers for her, the hospital board, were all under the age of six, she being the oldest.
Foreman and House had considered taking two of their charges home each, but as Cameron only seemed to get along with Cuddy, and Wilson wouldn’t leave House, that would have left Foreman with the two girls, who were decidedly worse together than the boys were. Cuddy was perfectly pleasant on her own, but if Cameron started screeching, she would too.
Foreman sat down in House’s desk chair, Chase snuggled up against him, falling asleep almost immediately.
“What are we gonna do?” he asked tiredly, brushing the hair out of Chase’s eyes.
House shrugged.
“Not panic?” he suggested.
“How long is this gonna last?”
“I don’t know. Do you think I know that?”
Foreman shrugged, and Wilson raised his head at the tension in House’s voice.
“Howse? Is s-someth-thing w-wrong?” he asked, clumsily, sounding a little nervous.
House shook his head.
“No, just tired and a bit cranky.”
Wilson held House’s gaze for a moment, then laid his head back on House’s chest.
“Ok...” he mumbled, drifting off again.
House looked up.
Foreman was watching with an odd expression on his face.
“What?” asked House.
“He’s all clingy, but you don’t care.”
House shrugged.
“I supposed it’s rather stupid to lie about it at this point. I don’t mind kids this young. They’re not all screwed up and don’t have much to lie about, except who broke the cookie jar.”
Foreman nodded, understanding where House was coming from. He didn’t really like children, he didn’t like having to be physically careful around them, or having to deal with their over-reactive emotions, but he did get that they were easier to understand.
“Which brings us back to what on earth we’re gonna do...”
House sighed, watching Wilson sleep.
“We can’t have them sleeping in the hospital all the time, Wilson and Chase are too light sleepers for that.”
“But there’s no way I’m taking Cuddy and Cameron. They’re demons.”
House smirked.
“If you take Cameron, I’ll take the other three.”
Foreman raised an eyebrow.
“You’re going to take three?”
“You’re going to take Cameron?”
“Point.”
House glanced at Wilson, Chase, and Cuddy.
“Though I’m probably going to need some help carrying them all to the car. Wonder if we can dump Cameron on some of the nursing staff while we do that.”
“I hope we can. I don’t want to get her anywhere near Chase or Wilson again. I think she liked scaring them...”
“I think she’s a four year old that likes getting her way and doesn’t get it very often.” said House.
Foreman nodded.
“Robby, wake up. I gotta go ask somebody something, and I need to use what is currently my lap.”
Chase blinked sleepily at Foreman, slid off, and tottered towards House, tripping halfway there and falling asleep where he fell.
Foreman scooped him up, handed him to House, and left.
Wilson jumped awake as Chase bumped him as he settled in, but saw that it was the young blond, looked at House for confirmation that it was ok, and went back to sleep.
House sighed when the two were once again out, watching them breath slowly and calmly, a small smile twitching at the corners of Chase’s mouth.
Wilson was so jumpy, and reacted to any sort of loud noise or provocation... House wondered if it had something to do with his brothers, and resolved to call Mrs. Wilson to ask her if it was that or something else. It wasn’t like she wasn’t going to hear about all this on the news... although she would probably forgive Wilson for not calling her...
Chase was odd, not only nearly as jumpy as Wilson, but also lacking anything resembling self esteem. House was pretty sure that went back to Rowan Chase. Maybe his mom too.
Cuddy was Cuddy, no big surprises there. Calm, with some slight groupie tendencies that weren’t really a part of her character. Nice, and more considerate than any of the others except Wilson. She was probably the only who could so much as brush her teeth by herself.
Cameron was... well, Cameron was a princess. A very annoying, immature, four year old. She apparently discovered her love of caring well after this, and House wished she would hurry up and remember it. He had never thought he would prefer soft and fuzzy Cameron to cranky PMS Cameron, but he was really missing the easy to deal with version. Odd though, she had a brother; and she didn’t seem like a spoiled kid, just a bit nasty.
He sighed, turning on the old clunky tv with the barely working remote. Not that he couldn’t reach it, but the button was broken.
“Across the country, reports have been made that doctors, nurses, anyone providing face to face health care for patients, are sporadically losing ten, twenty, thirty, in some cases over sixty years. To say it a different way, hundreds of healthcare employees all over the country have suddenly turned into one to seven year olds. All their medical and life knowledge is retained, but their bodies and characters have reverted to those they had when they were young children. Here, as an example of this odd phenomenon, is Dr. Erin Greenbaum, who witnessed the change in one of his employees, seen holding onto his back, Dr. Phillip Webber. Dr. Webber was, only this morning....” House tuned out for a moment, relishing in the fact that Lieberman had been one of the affected, and by the looks of it wasn’t too happy about the situation, “the highest concentrations have mostly been on the east coast, and in new jersey. We attempted to speak to the dean of medicine at one new jersey hospital, but she was unavailable for the questioning, her staff confirming that she was unlikely to be much interested in an interview for about thirty years...” House turned the tv off, frowning.
Cuddy was going to be embarrassed, yes. But it wasn’t that bad, and he doubted her five year old self was really going to care all that much. The bigger issue was the joke, which had said in about thirty years. That meant nobody had started popping buttons and ripping pants on their way back to normal size. He hoped to any explicative or deity that this wasn’t permanent. Five year old Cuddy, four year old Wilson, and three year old Chase he could probably stand for a while, at least until their parents turned up for another go. Four year old Cameron....
Pairing: none, unless House/Foreman forced co-operation counts
Author: alanwolfmoon
Rating: PG
Summary: House treats some odd diseases, but even he doesn't know the cure to the one affecting PPTH
Disclaimer: MINE! ALL MINE!....uh, no. Not mine.
Notes: Reviews and flames alike are welcome. (They make it look like I'm writing fast) Had a hankering to write something cute. This resulted. Flee in terror. Posted to House_crack.
House blinked, paused, shut his eyes, opened them, shut them again, rubbed them, and opened them again. The view didn’t change. In the split second that he had blinked, Chase had shrunk to about three year old size. Cameron and Foreman were both staring at him.
House had just opened his mouth to make the appropriate sort of comment for when your youngest staff member suddenly makes his title very, very obvious, when there was a knock on his door.
There was a lady, bald, baggy eyed, pale faced. House deduced that she was probably one of Wilson’s patients in about the same time it had taken him to blink. What he did not figure out immediately, was why the woman was leading a four year old clad only in a shirt that looked like a very loose dress, and a tie. A god awful tie...
House got up, ignoring Chase, who was being gawked at quite enough by his two fellows, and opened the door.
“Um... hi. Look, this is going to sound very, very strange, but-”
“The head of oncology just turned into a four year old?”
She blinked.
House jerked his thumb in the general direction of the differential room.
“The same thing just happened here. And this pretty much proves that I’d recognized his taste in ties anywhere.”
House jumped a little, when the four year old Wilson tugged on his left pant leg.
“What? Please tell me you haven’t gone back to four year old memories...”
“Howse?”
House sighed, as relived as it is possible to be when confronted by your best friend, who has just skipped turning forty one, and chosen instead to lose the zero, without adding the one.
“I’ll handle him...”
The woman nodded thankfully and hurried towards the elevators.
“What, Wilson?”
“I’m b-bored...”
“You stutter?”
Wilson looked as though House had just told a bully that Wilson wet the bed.
“D-don’t l-l-l-l- ”
House interrupted him, ruffling his hair.
“Just curious.”
“Oh...”
House rolled his eyes, taking mini-Wilson’s hand.
“Come on. You can play with Chase, or something.”
House led Wilson into the differential room, and was rather unpleasantly surprised to find Cameron, now almost as small, explaining something that sounded suspiciously like a tea party to Chase.
House eyed Foreman warily.
Foreman eyed House warily.
Neither of them changed size.
Foreman sighed, and broke up the minor tussle that had occurred after Chase had told Cameron that her tea party idea was stupid. Or, in his words, ninnypoopy.
House looked down again, as Wilson hugged his left leg, hiding behind it.
“Uh, Wilson...”
“Th-they’re noisy...”
“They’re four. So are you.”
“I’m sc-sc-scared...” mumbled Wilson in reply, burying his face in House’s pant leg.
House just blinked down at him, bewildered.
“Uh, House?” House looked up.
Foreman was holding the two mini-diagnosticians, one under each arm.
“What? You’ve got it under control.”
“Cameron’s shirt is falling off and she’s not happy about her bra.”
House snorted.
“Wilson, let go. I need to go somewhere, which involves walking, which involves me moving that leg, which will involve you getting accidentally kicked if you hang on.”
Wilson let go, looking like he was about to cry.
House sighed.
“Look, can you stay here and not break or eat anything?”
“I d-don’ w-wanna... I’m s-s-scared, howse...”
House’s eyebrow twitched. He was torn between finding the whole situation unbearably irritating, and finding it incredibly endearing. He’d never really developed any misanthropy when it came to small children.
He settled on annoying for Cameron and Chase, endearing for Wilson.
Foreman seemed to have formed a similar opinion about his fellows, and was waiting impatiently for an extra pair of hands.
House leaned his cane on a chair, lifted Wilson onto the couch, and limped over to help Foreman.
Chase was now dressed in much the same way as Wilson, although with better taste in ties. Cameron seemed to be having some difficulty with her wide neck top, and apparently very uncomfortable bra.
House sighed, took her from Foreman, who switched to holding Chase under the armpits with both hands.
“House! What are you doing?!” she screamed, outraged.
“Stop squirming.”
House stood her on the table, slipped the bra out from under the neck, then studied the shirt. There was no way it was going to stay on the girl’s tiny shoulders, so he tied it off around her waist. It looked like a demented poodle skirt.
“House!” she shouted, her four year old’s voice shrill.
“Oh shut up. There’s nothing there to see, and the whole thing was going to fall off.”
She stuck her chin out and hopped off the table, onto a chair, and then the floor.
“I’m not going anywhere without a shirt.”
House shooed her into a corner, then went back to Wilson, leaving Foreman to deal with Chase.
“Look, Cameron needs a shirt, and I need to prove to Cuddy that I’m not just making up a stupider excuse than usual for not taking any cases.”
“Can I c-come with y-you?”
“That’s what I was saying.”
“R-really?”
“Yes...”
Wilson looked up, his eyes even bigger in proportion to his face than they were when he was an adult.
House retrieved his cane from the chair, Wilson following him.
“I’m going to tell Cuddy what’s going on... and get Cameron a shirt so she’ll stop crying.”
Foreman looked up from attempting to remove the squirming mini-Chase’s tie (Cameron had tried to choke him with it) and nodded.
“Just don’t leave me here...”
House snorted.
“As inviting as that is, I really do prefer not having my best friend act like I’m his mom...”
Foreman snorted, shaking his head at the bizarrety of the entire situation.
As House limped down the hallway, he noticed Wilson struggling to keep up, not nearly as energetic as the other two.
“Wilson... are you just tired or something?” he asked, waiting for the little boy for the fifth time.
Wilson finally caught up, looking winded.
“No...k-kinda...” he panted.
House frowned, watching the boy.
The little version of his friend seemed so much different from his adult version, that House had to wonder what had happened in-between. He seemed very shy, and physically awkward.
House shrugged to himself, and knelt stiffly down, waiting.
Wilson blinked at him.
“Piggy back. It’s gonna take forever to get to Cuddy’s office at this rate.”
Wilson’s already large eyes widened.
“R-really?”
House frowned. Why did Wilson expect so little? Because it was House? Wilson was one of the very few people who knew he didn’t mind kids...
Wilson clambered clumsily up, holding on with both his arms and legs.
House winced slightly at the extra weight on his thigh as he stood up, but Wilson only weighed thirty or so pounds, and he was holding on by himself, House didn’t have use his left hand to hold him on.
House got a very large number of odd looks as he headed towards the elevator, but less than he would have expected. He realized why this was, when he passed a nurse’s station and saw a very small version of nurse Brenda, her nametag pinned on the front of the large sweater she was wearing, sitting on top of the counter, looking bored. Apparently this hadn’t been limited to the fourth floor. She waved at either him or Wilson as they passed. Wilson hid his face in the back of House’s shirt.
House blinked when he reached Cuddy’s office. He had been expecting to find a queue of people demanding to see the dean of medicine about why their doctor had suddenly turned into a four year old. There was nobody.
House turned back to the nurses station, found all the adults busy, and looked at nurse Brenda.
“Where’s Cuddy?”
She giggled.
“Don’t know. They figure she got kiddy size too, but nobody knows where she was when it happened. Hehe, kiddy Cuddy...” she dissolved into a fit of giggles.
House rolled his eyes, noticing that Wilson tightened his grip when she started laughing.
He limped back over to Cuddy’s office, guessing that nobody was actually in the mood to look for yet another mini-doctor.
“Cuddy?” he called, pushing open the glass doors.
No answer.
House limped further into the room, deposited Wilson on top of Cuddy’s desk, and leaned over, peering past the chair.
Cuddy was curled up, holding her shirt together in front, looking terrified that someone had found her. She looked to be about five.
“House?” she asked, unclenching slightly.
“Cuddy? Why are you under there?”
“My shirt’s too big...”
“Yes, I can see that.”
“I can’t go out there! They’ll see me!”
“What is it with girls? You don’t have any boobs, you’re five. Nobody’s gonna care if a little bit peaks through.”
Cuddy stared at him.
“Girls? I’m not the only one?”
“You’re not the only girl and you’re certainly not the only person. So far I know Chase, Cameron, nurse Brenda, and Wilson are like this. Although you are the only one that seems older than four.”
“Wilson?” she asked, obviously having trouble imagining the mature department head as a four year old.
“W-what? You th-think it’s f-f-f-f-” House put his hand on Wilson’s head, ruffling the light brown hair.
“She’s five. You’re four. How much maturity are you expecting?”
Wilson looked at House, sheepish.
“S-sorry.”
House shrugged.
Cuddy peeked out from under the desk.
“Sorry Wilson. I didn’t mean to laugh... it was just funny cus you’re so much a grown up when you’re big.”
Wilson, who had jerked back as far as he could without sitting on the keyboard, slowly crept back towards the edge.
“You d-don’t th-think I’m w-weird?”
Cuddy, now laying on her back with her shirt forgotten, shrugged.
“Why would I think you’re weird? You talk funny, but that’s your brain’s fault, not yours.”
House raised an eyebrow.
“Do you guys still know medical stuff?”
“I’m not a guy!” screeched Cuddy, shoving the edges of her v-neck together again and causing Wilson to jump so much he would have fallen head first off the desk if House hadn’t caught him around the middle, stopping his flight.
He was shivering, and as House sat down in Cuddy’s office chair he curled up, holding on to House’s shirt and pressing his face into his friend’s side. House felt his shirt growing wet near Wilson’s head.
Cuddy looked extremely apologetic, but knew better than to say anything. House rolled his eyes and shooed her out towards the glass doors. Cuddy scrambled towards them, still upset that she had scared Wilson so badly, and stopped, trying vainly to open the hydraulic resisted glass. She gave up and sat down in a corner, giving Wilson as much privacy as she could.
“Howse...” mumbled Wilson, sniffing.
“What?”
“I’m s-sorry.”
“Sorry for what?”
“Being a sc-scaredy c-c-cat.”
House sighed. He hated doing this part, even if he didn’t mind kids. Confidence building was not his thing.
“You’re not a scaredy cat, you’re four and shy.” blegh... touchy-feely. He was going to have to shower after this.
Wilson didn’t seem to take House’s word for it, and continued sobbing.
Somebody opened the door, and House looked up.
Foreman, Chase and Cameron in tow. Cameron was wearing a children’s hospital gown.
“Oh. There you are.”
“No, I didn’t lie about leaving.”
“Figured that after I saw you still in the hospital.”
“What are you doing down here?”
“Well, I was looking for nurse Brenda. Chase isn’t potty trained and I don’t know where we have diapers.”
“He isn’t potty trained?”
Wilson looked up.
Foreman blinked at the tearstains.
“You’re still big?”
Foreman looked down, jumping when he saw mini-Cuddy.
“Cuddy? You’re older than the rest of them...”
“I am? Oh, yeah, House said that too... Cool! I’m the oldest kid!” she giggled. Foreman looked traumatized.
“Ch-Chase?”
He looked at Wilson, still curled in the upper part of House’s lap, apparently too cautious to get anywhere near the painful area, even as a four year old.
“Dr. Wilson?” Chase’s voice was extremely high pitched for a boy, and he looked lost. If either Cuddy or Cameron had been adults they would have been instinctually compelled to hug him.
Wilson blinked, then hid his face in House’s shirt once again.
Foreman raised an eyebrow.
“He sure is shy, huh?”
House nodded, looking down at Wilson with a surprising amount of care in his expression. Foreman wrote it off as some weird thing between the two of them, and focused his attention back on Cuddy.
Chase watched this with wide blue eyes, then ducked behind Foreman, looking upset. Cameron walked over to him, tilting her head.
“What’s wrong?”
Chase whimpered.
“Chase?” asked Foreman, blinking.
“How come... keep callin’ me my dad?”
Foreman raised an eyebrow.
“You mean calling you Chase?”
“Yeah.”
“We’ve always called you Chase...” said Cameron.
“I know.... but my dad’s Chase. I’m Robby. Why’d’ya never call me that?”
Foreman sighed.
“Because House calls everybody by their last name and he’s the first person all of us heard talk to you.”
“But I’m not supposed to be called Chase...”
House glanced up at the three year old.
“Why not?”
“Cus dad said Chases aren’t stupid.”
House raised an eyebrow.
“Don’t, House. If you want to find out something like that, do it when he’s got some sort of defense.”
House rolled his eyes, but didn’t continue questioning the young child.
“You’re peeing on Cuddy’s carpet!” screeched Cameron, pointing an accusing finger at Chase. Wilson started crying again at the loud noise.
“Um, Ch... Robby, can you try to do that on the tiles at least?” asked Foreman, uncomfortable. House snorted.
Chase looked down, then at Cameron, who was still screaming in indignation (House thought she was probably just using the opportunity to scare Wilson) and pointing at the yellow stream. He started crying.
Cuddy, watching the pee fall onto her carpet, apparently got too annoyed for her five year old brain to handle, and started yelling along with Cameron.
Chase sat down, curling into a ball, and putting his hands over his ears, rocking back and forth.
Foreman knelt down, putting his hands over the two girls’ mouths.
“Stop it. I think he’s sorry.”
Chase looked up, saw the girls couldn’t follow him, and dashed over to House, clambering up to join Wilson.
House sighed, watching the two young boys cry into his shirt.
Foreman sighed as well, leading the two enraged (or rather, grossed out and offended) girls out of the room.
several hours later, the girls were settled in the differential room, asleep on the couch, Wilson was still refusing to let go of House, and was sleeping fitfully curled next to his friend in the recliner.
Foreman came in, brandishing a hard won package of diapers and carrying a sleepy looking Chase on his hip. “Thankfully, Chase made a friend when he was working in the nicu, and she was still grown up. She thought he was unbelievably cute like this, and deserving of diapers.”
House sighed, relived. The general consensus of the remaining adults working in the hospital was that everyone should take care of the affected in their own department, with the exception of people who wanted to take care of their friends, and were certainly allowed to do so. Unfortunately for the diagnostics department, this left the two most misanthropic members to look after four mini-doctors. Somebody from oncology had dropped by to take Wilson, but the boy had started bawling when he had been asked to let go of House. Cuddy didn’t actually work in any specific department, and the closest thing to a group of coworkers for her, the hospital board, were all under the age of six, she being the oldest.
Foreman and House had considered taking two of their charges home each, but as Cameron only seemed to get along with Cuddy, and Wilson wouldn’t leave House, that would have left Foreman with the two girls, who were decidedly worse together than the boys were. Cuddy was perfectly pleasant on her own, but if Cameron started screeching, she would too.
Foreman sat down in House’s desk chair, Chase snuggled up against him, falling asleep almost immediately.
“What are we gonna do?” he asked tiredly, brushing the hair out of Chase’s eyes.
House shrugged.
“Not panic?” he suggested.
“How long is this gonna last?”
“I don’t know. Do you think I know that?”
Foreman shrugged, and Wilson raised his head at the tension in House’s voice.
“Howse? Is s-someth-thing w-wrong?” he asked, clumsily, sounding a little nervous.
House shook his head.
“No, just tired and a bit cranky.”
Wilson held House’s gaze for a moment, then laid his head back on House’s chest.
“Ok...” he mumbled, drifting off again.
House looked up.
Foreman was watching with an odd expression on his face.
“What?” asked House.
“He’s all clingy, but you don’t care.”
House shrugged.
“I supposed it’s rather stupid to lie about it at this point. I don’t mind kids this young. They’re not all screwed up and don’t have much to lie about, except who broke the cookie jar.”
Foreman nodded, understanding where House was coming from. He didn’t really like children, he didn’t like having to be physically careful around them, or having to deal with their over-reactive emotions, but he did get that they were easier to understand.
“Which brings us back to what on earth we’re gonna do...”
House sighed, watching Wilson sleep.
“We can’t have them sleeping in the hospital all the time, Wilson and Chase are too light sleepers for that.”
“But there’s no way I’m taking Cuddy and Cameron. They’re demons.”
House smirked.
“If you take Cameron, I’ll take the other three.”
Foreman raised an eyebrow.
“You’re going to take three?”
“You’re going to take Cameron?”
“Point.”
House glanced at Wilson, Chase, and Cuddy.
“Though I’m probably going to need some help carrying them all to the car. Wonder if we can dump Cameron on some of the nursing staff while we do that.”
“I hope we can. I don’t want to get her anywhere near Chase or Wilson again. I think she liked scaring them...”
“I think she’s a four year old that likes getting her way and doesn’t get it very often.” said House.
Foreman nodded.
“Robby, wake up. I gotta go ask somebody something, and I need to use what is currently my lap.”
Chase blinked sleepily at Foreman, slid off, and tottered towards House, tripping halfway there and falling asleep where he fell.
Foreman scooped him up, handed him to House, and left.
Wilson jumped awake as Chase bumped him as he settled in, but saw that it was the young blond, looked at House for confirmation that it was ok, and went back to sleep.
House sighed when the two were once again out, watching them breath slowly and calmly, a small smile twitching at the corners of Chase’s mouth.
Wilson was so jumpy, and reacted to any sort of loud noise or provocation... House wondered if it had something to do with his brothers, and resolved to call Mrs. Wilson to ask her if it was that or something else. It wasn’t like she wasn’t going to hear about all this on the news... although she would probably forgive Wilson for not calling her...
Chase was odd, not only nearly as jumpy as Wilson, but also lacking anything resembling self esteem. House was pretty sure that went back to Rowan Chase. Maybe his mom too.
Cuddy was Cuddy, no big surprises there. Calm, with some slight groupie tendencies that weren’t really a part of her character. Nice, and more considerate than any of the others except Wilson. She was probably the only who could so much as brush her teeth by herself.
Cameron was... well, Cameron was a princess. A very annoying, immature, four year old. She apparently discovered her love of caring well after this, and House wished she would hurry up and remember it. He had never thought he would prefer soft and fuzzy Cameron to cranky PMS Cameron, but he was really missing the easy to deal with version. Odd though, she had a brother; and she didn’t seem like a spoiled kid, just a bit nasty.
He sighed, turning on the old clunky tv with the barely working remote. Not that he couldn’t reach it, but the button was broken.
“Across the country, reports have been made that doctors, nurses, anyone providing face to face health care for patients, are sporadically losing ten, twenty, thirty, in some cases over sixty years. To say it a different way, hundreds of healthcare employees all over the country have suddenly turned into one to seven year olds. All their medical and life knowledge is retained, but their bodies and characters have reverted to those they had when they were young children. Here, as an example of this odd phenomenon, is Dr. Erin Greenbaum, who witnessed the change in one of his employees, seen holding onto his back, Dr. Phillip Webber. Dr. Webber was, only this morning....” House tuned out for a moment, relishing in the fact that Lieberman had been one of the affected, and by the looks of it wasn’t too happy about the situation, “the highest concentrations have mostly been on the east coast, and in new jersey. We attempted to speak to the dean of medicine at one new jersey hospital, but she was unavailable for the questioning, her staff confirming that she was unlikely to be much interested in an interview for about thirty years...” House turned the tv off, frowning.
Cuddy was going to be embarrassed, yes. But it wasn’t that bad, and he doubted her five year old self was really going to care all that much. The bigger issue was the joke, which had said in about thirty years. That meant nobody had started popping buttons and ripping pants on their way back to normal size. He hoped to any explicative or deity that this wasn’t permanent. Five year old Cuddy, four year old Wilson, and three year old Chase he could probably stand for a while, at least until their parents turned up for another go. Four year old Cameron....