Apotheosis: Chapter 16 - Resolve
"Ichigo!" Isshin looked up from his dinner with a wide smile as Karin and Yuzu tackled their brother. "We thought that was you. Sit, eat, Yuzu made plenty."
"Ichi-nii!" his sisters chorused. Ichigo bent - not as far as he once had to - to embrace them.
"What are you doing home?" Karin demanded.
"Are you back to stay?" Yuzu asked right overtop of her.
"Ah… I'm just visiting right now. I missed you guys." Ichigo looked over at his father. "Even you, old man."
Isshin's eyes grew misty, and he started to launch himself from his chair. "My son! You-oof!" Ichigo stopped him with a hand on his face.
"Not that much!"
Having supper with his family was almost surreal in its normality. It felt the same as it always had; listening to his sisters, dodging his father's antics, both verbal and physical. He'd adjusted quickly to being back in his body; that was a bit of a surprise, given he'd been in spirit form for months, but after the initial stiffness it was like he'd never been out of it.
After supper, Ichigo took his father aside privately for the discussion he had no idea how to start. After a half-hearted attempt at conversation, Isshin saved him the trouble by getting right to the point.
"What's going on, Ichigo?" His father was uncharacteristically sober.
All right, I'll just spit it out. "Pop, they've asked me to stay. They offered me the captain's seat for the 3rd." Ichigo held his breath and waited.
Isshin's eyes narrowed. "So, that's what it was," he said thoughtfully. "We knew something was going on, but…"
Ichigo was taken aback by his father's calm acceptance of the situation. "You don't seem very surprised."
"Why should I be?" Isshin asked easily. "We knew something was happening - not this, but it's not surprising. You've done a fantastic job, so why wouldn't they want you?"
Ichigo shrugged; he didn't have an answer for that.
"What are you going to do about it?"
"I don't know," he answered honestly. "There's so much to think about, and…" He hesitated, struggling to say what he needed to. "My feelings keep getting in the way. I'm trying to be sensible and logical about this, but-"
Isshin's laughter cut him off.
"What's so damn funny?" Ichigo flushed, annoyed. "Quit laughin' at me!"
"I'm not laughing at you, exactly." His father continued to chuckle. "It's just… why would you try to ignore your feelings? Logic is important, but it's only one factor in the decision."
"Huh?"
"Ichigo, you have to live with your feelings. You can't just push them aside when they make things complicated."
"But… I can't make a decision like this emotionally," he objected. It was far too tempting to give in to the impulse of the moment, and this wasn’t the sort of decision that could be unmade.
"No, but what you feel is as important as all the rest," Isshin told him firmly. "Never mind what I asked you before, I have a better question. What do you want to do?"
"I want to protect the people that are important to me." That much he knew for certain. "Pop, I gotta ask. Was it… I mean, how did you… argh!" He scrubbed his hand through his hair. "How did you feel when you decided to give it all up?" He finally forced out the words.
Isshin was silent for a long time; Ichigo thought he might have crossed the line by asking so blatantly. He wanted, needed, his father's advice, but not if it meant…
"It was difficult, of course. Leaving behind my life, my comrades… well, our situations are very different, of course, but the choice is the same." His father smiled at him then. "It was hard, and painful. But I will be forever grateful that I made the choice I did. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have you and your sisters, wouldn't have had your mother's love. My choice gave me my family, and I will never regret that."
Ichigo didn't know what to say to that. He dropped his gaze and fiddled with his hands as he thought. "So, my place is with my family." A dull ache began spreading in his chest, and he felt guilt welling up inside him as he tried to bury his traitorous desires.
"You already know your place, Ichigo. But it's your choice - only you can decide where that is." Ichigo looked up at the chiding tone.
"A person's place is with their family," Isshin agreed. "But you have more than one family, now." He pointed at Ichigo's arm. Startled, Ichigo looked down to discover his sleeve had ridden up - he'd forgotten that his body didn't have a bandage covering the new tattoo encircling his forearm.
"But how can I choose between them?" The pain in his chest migrated to his throat, and he had trouble speaking around it without choking. "They need me, Pop, in a bad way, but that's not the only reason. I'm proud of what I've accomplished there - I helped turn that Division around. I trained them, they're my people. I made a difference there."
Ichigo swallowed hard, unable to stop the flow of words. "But people here need me, too. I have a life here. I have friends, good friends - Chad and the others, we've been through a lot together. And Karin and Yuzu… I don't wanna leave 'em behind. I don't wanna miss them growin' up and…" He couldn't continue.
"Who said you had to choose between them?" his father asked. "You're choosing which life you want to lead. And whichever life you choose, both of your families will still be there, still be a part of it. Just in a different way."
Not choosing between them… choosing the life I want? Ichigo's thoughts crystallized around that unexpectedly profound wisdom from his normally erratic father. "I never thought about it like that before," he admitted. Hope started pushing back at the ache that had been gnawing at him as he realized just what his father was telling him.
"Of course not." Isshin shook his head. "You were too busy thinking about what it meant to everyone else, instead of trying to decide what you want." He turned his head away, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like, "Oh Masaki, our noble son!" Ichigo let that go for the time being as he turned the new thoughts over in his mind.
What I want… What do I want? His heart leaped - he could choose what he wanted. I can have what I want!
"Thanks Pop. You've never said anythin' more helpful to me in my whole life." Ichigo braced himself. Sure enough, Isshin's arms were around him and the man was weeping tears of joy. "Oh Ichigo, Daddy is so happy!"
"Yeah, yeah." Ichigo patted his father's shoulder awkwardly, letting the man have this one moment. He owed him that much.
*
When Renji returned home from his patrol late that evening, he immediately sensed something was off. He couldn’t feel Ichigo's presence anywhere nearby, and while that wasn't normally a cause for worry, today he couldn't help feeling a bit concerned.
He entered their quarters and removed his cloak and sandals as usual before he spotted the letter on the table.
Dear Renji,
I know I don't have to say this stuff, I know you already know it, but I'm following your example and taking Yumichika's advice about this whole love letter thing. I know what you meant now when you wrote that you couldn't believe you were doing it. Part of me feels ridiculous writing these things down, but if I'm honest with myself, a bigger part of me feels happy to have the freedom to do it at all. And I have to admit, the thought that you'll be reading these things is a bit of a thrill.
I'm taking your advice and going to talk to my father about all of this. Like we said the other night, if anyone would know how this feels he would. Seems weird, going to talk to him so openly about this stuff, but I guess it's time we both got used to it.
I still don't know what to think or how to feel about all of this. I guess I always knew I'd have to choose between my duty to my family and my duty as a shinigami someday. I wish it didn't feel like whichever one I choose, I'm abandoning my responsibilities to the other. It's hard to make a rational, logical choice when I have all these feelings getting in the way. Should I even try to separate them? I don't want to leave my family behind, watch them go on living without me, and not be there to protect them. But I have other people that need me, other people I care about and want to take care of, too. An entire Division of people, and all our friends, not to mention all the others in both worlds who are being hurt by all of this. How do I choose between them, when they're both equally important to me?
And then there's you. I've been spoiled, getting to wake up next to you in our bed every morning. I love being able to tell you things right away, instead of scribbling a note on a piece of paper in my pocket and hoping I'd find it again when I write my next letter. I love being able to fight beside you, knowing you're there to watch my back if I need it, but trusting enough in me to think that I probably won't. Just like I do for you.
Some love letter, huh? Guess that's just how we are. We're just too many things to each other at once, and they can't be separated that easily. Allies, comrades, team mates… friends, lovers, and partners in everything. No matter what else happens, those things will never, ever change. And I wouldn't trade any of them for the world. We're stuck with each other forever.
They gave me two days extra leave, but I'm only going to be gone for one and then I'm coming back home to you. I really don't think I could stay away much longer.
Love Ichigo
Renji leaned back and took a deep breath. When he does somethin', he sure does it all the way! These words Ichigo had left for him resonated with his own thoughts and feelings. I'm glad t' see there ain't any doubts left behind. Nothin' can ever change what we got now.
He read over the letter again; he was aware that he was smiling like a fool, but there was no one to see in the privacy of their quarters. He tried not to read too much into those final lines, but despite his best efforts, Renji found himself daring to hope. It was that hope that forced him to admit something that he'd been hiding from them both.
I want him t' want t' stay.
An odd relief accompanied this admission. It was true that the decision wouldn't change their feelings either way. And it was also true that he wanted Ichigo to choose for himself. But Renji knew that what he wanted for himself was for Ichigo to want the same thing he did. And what he wanted more than anything was for Ichigo to stay.
Belatedly, Renji realized that that was what Ichigo had been hoping for all along - that simple admission, proof that his partner wanted him there enough to say so when it mattered the most. An' I let him down.
Renji felt Ichigo's absence keenly when he lay alone in their bed. He'd gotten spoiled, too, having a warm body to curl up with every night. He didn't expect to be able to rest, but his day had been long and tiring, and he fell asleep before making it through the letter for a third time.
*
It was late, very late, when Ichigo crept silently through their quarters. He'd spent the evening with his father and sisters, laughing and retelling old stories. His sisters had been surprised to hear about the decision he was facing, and told him to try not to worry so much. His family's company was soothing and he enjoyed it thoroughly, but when it came time to bid them goodnight, he'd opted to return to Soul Society.
He gave up tiptoeing across the room when he heard Renji stir as Ichigo's reiatsu brushed up against his own. As their energies bonded and warmth surrounded him, the final piece of the puzzle fell into place.
"Ichigo, what're ya doin' back so soon?" Renji's sleepy mumble was muffled. The red-haired shinigami was buried face down in the pillow he was clutching - Ichigo's pillow, he noted with a smirk.
"I did what I needed to do. Too much goin' on here to take a holiday right now." Ichigo stripped out of his uniform and slipped under the blankets beside his lover, at the last second avoiding stepping on what he recognized as his letter.
He was smiling as he wrestled his pillow out of Renji's grasp and arranged himself comfortably next to the sprawled shinigami.
"Welcome home, then." Renji shifted closer. "Glad you're here. Wanna tell ya what I shoulda said last night."
"What's that?" Ichigo kept his thoughts tightly locked up at the ritual benediction.
Renji's arm slid around his waist, his body curling around Ichigo's possessively. "Stay here with me." Almost immediately his breathing grew slow and steady against the back of Ichigo's neck.
A powerful emotion welled up inside Ichigo hearing the candidly spoken desire, and he locked his feelings down even tighter. He'd give it a few days before saying anything he couldn't take back.
Not that there's much chance of that. He closed his eyes, peace washing over him as he quietly settled his decision.
*
The next day Ichigo went back to work, waving away Kira's suggestion to take the second day off. He wanted to try on the choice he'd made, to go through the day as if he were a permanent part of Soul Society.
It was the same as it had been the day before, but Ichigo looked at Seireitei with new eyes. Familiar places held more attachment, and he felt downright possessive when he walked into the 3rd Division headquarters.
You were right, Pop. I do know my place.
At the end of the day, Ichigo felt right about his decision to stay. He'd unwittingly built himself a life here, doing what he was best at, what he enjoyed. He had an important role to play, good friends to fight beside, and someone to share it all with every day. Stacked up against that, giving up his mortal life didn't seem like that big of a deal anymore.
My life is still my life, however and wherever I choose to live it.
*
Ichigo paced in his office, waiting for Renji to show up after the end of his shift. Three days he'd sat on his decision without telling anyone, until that afternoon when he'd gone to see the Commander-General, and Kira. The other captains would be informed of his acceptance in a matter of hours, and Ichigo wanted to make sure Renji heard it first, right from him. He would be formally proclaimed the next day, but as soon as the cloak settled on his shoulders he would be invested as the new captain of the 3rd Division.
The cloak in question was folded neatly on top of his bare desk, waiting. Ichigo made another circuit of the office. Is he ever gonna get here? I sent that message ages ago. Now that he was ready to make it official, he found it harder to wait these last few minutes than it had been for the entire three days prior.
Finally the approach of familiar reiatsu halted his pacing. He stood next to his desk, arms folded to keep his hands from shaking with excitement.
Renji entered with a brief knock. "Hey, what's goin' on? That hell butterfly nearly flapped its wings off gettin' t' me. What couldn't wait 'til we got home?" The red-haired shinigami closed the door behind him and turned his attention on the scene in front of him.
"I wanted you to be the first to know." Ichigo looked intently into his lover's startled eyes as he picked the cloak up off his desk. It fell neatly out of its folds, the 3rd Division insignia standing out boldly.
Renji was frozen on the spot - Ichigo couldn't sense anything from him except an acute shock. Ichigo kept his gaze firmly on the shinigami standing before him as he slipped his arms into place and settled the cloak on his shoulders.
It was done.
"I'm staying," he said, unnecessarily. His voice broke whatever was keeping Renji in stasis. Renji crossed the distance between them in a single step, his hands closing roughly on Ichigo's shoulders as his dark eyes searched Ichigo's face.
Ichigo was hit by a wall of emotion that would have knocked him off his feet had he not been ready for it. Relief, guilt, fear, and joy whipped through the room, fighting for dominance. Ichigo let the storm play out for a few moments before he clamped down on it with his own energy.
"This is what I want," Ichigo stated firmly. "It's what's best for everyone - for Soul Society, for the world, for us…" He held up a hand to halt Renji's protest before it began. "This is what's best for me. I choose this life for myself most of all, above all of that." He focused hard on letting his conviction and happiness project through their link.
It must have worked; the tension left Renji's eyes, and joy won the battle. "You're sure?" the shinigami's words came out in a rush. "You're really sure?"
Ichigo nodded, and would have offered another reassurance, but he was caught in a crushing hold and Renji seemed intent on devouring his mouth whole.
"Oi, lemme breathe, will ya Renji!" Ichigo protested, pushing his over-excited lover back with a laugh.
"Sorry, can't help it." Renji was grinning from ear to ear. "Ya just gave me the best news in years." He leaned in and kissed him again, a little less eagerly this time so Ichigo could reciprocate.
"Time t' go celebrate now!" Renji grabbed Ichigo by the wrist and tried to haul him out of the office.
"Not so fast!" Ichigo refused to be budged. "I'd rather start that right now." He gave Renji a look intended to leave no doubt as to what he wanted.
"Ya mean… right here?"
"What, you're the only one who gets to sit in his office and remember somethin' other than paperwork bein' done on his desk?" Ichigo grinned.
"Ooh, I dunno, what's it like t' have a captain for a lover?" Renji's wide-eyed exaggeration was at odds with his lascivious smirk.
"You're about to find out, if you help me get this thing off." Ichigo pulled at the cloak, trying to untangle it from his zanpakutou.
"That is the idea," Renji was suddenly behind him, whispering suggestively in his ear as he disentangled Ichigo's cloak and belt.
They managed to be quick and quiet, though the offices were nearly deserted by that time. Ichigo was just getting warmed up, and was about to suggest they continue the rest of their celebration at home when an alarm began to sound. Both their Divisions were on call, so they had no time for further dalliance.
Well they'd just have to pick it up again later. There'd be plenty of opportunities from now on… they were going to have forever to do a lot of things.
That reminded him of something he'd somehow forgotten to consider. Ichigo groaned.
Renji looked at him curiously as he straightened his uniform. "What?"
"I just realized." Ichigo shook his head ruefully. "I'm gonna be sparring with Kenpachi every week for the rest of my, uh, my whatever… for eternity!"
Renji's eyes widened and he began to laugh.
"Hey, it's not funny!" Ichigo objected. "Just for that I'm gonna tell him you wanna join the 'fun' next time!"
"Oh ya wouldn't!"
"You just try me. Keep laughin', idiot, and you'll find yourself facin' that psycho weekly."
Renji snorted and choked down his laughter. "Ya fight dirty, Ichigo, ya really do."
Ichigo grinned. "Hell yeah. Gotta stay ahead of those stuck up bureaucrats, and keep up with you." He stopped in the doorway. "Hang on, I nearly forgot somethin'." He rummaged in a cupboard and came up with the 3rd Division's lieutenant's insignia. "Gotta give this to Kira," he explained.
Renji chuckled. "What'll they say when they find out the former acting lieutenant is makin' the former acting captain his lieutenant? An' never mind how on top a' that, ya were acting captain for a while, too, an' Kira already used to be lieutenant before he was acting captain." It did sound awfully convoluted laid out like that, but it was still the best choice.
"Who cares? If he'll take it, it's his. He knows the job, he's good at it, and we already know we work pretty well together."
"Can't argue with that." The other shinigami captain shook his head and laughed again as they headed out to rally their fighters. "Man, they got no idea what they let themselves in for, givin' ya that cloak."
*
Omake
~Ch 16~
Akuni: Now he's a captain.
…
…
Akuni: Oh for… do you two ever get enough?
Akuni: …wait, what the hell am I saying? Go for it, guys!
Continue to Chapter 17 - Consequences
Return to the Apotheosis main page
"Ichi-nii!" his sisters chorused. Ichigo bent - not as far as he once had to - to embrace them.
"What are you doing home?" Karin demanded.
"Are you back to stay?" Yuzu asked right overtop of her.
"Ah… I'm just visiting right now. I missed you guys." Ichigo looked over at his father. "Even you, old man."
Isshin's eyes grew misty, and he started to launch himself from his chair. "My son! You-oof!" Ichigo stopped him with a hand on his face.
"Not that much!"
Having supper with his family was almost surreal in its normality. It felt the same as it always had; listening to his sisters, dodging his father's antics, both verbal and physical. He'd adjusted quickly to being back in his body; that was a bit of a surprise, given he'd been in spirit form for months, but after the initial stiffness it was like he'd never been out of it.
After supper, Ichigo took his father aside privately for the discussion he had no idea how to start. After a half-hearted attempt at conversation, Isshin saved him the trouble by getting right to the point.
"What's going on, Ichigo?" His father was uncharacteristically sober.
All right, I'll just spit it out. "Pop, they've asked me to stay. They offered me the captain's seat for the 3rd." Ichigo held his breath and waited.
Isshin's eyes narrowed. "So, that's what it was," he said thoughtfully. "We knew something was going on, but…"
Ichigo was taken aback by his father's calm acceptance of the situation. "You don't seem very surprised."
"Why should I be?" Isshin asked easily. "We knew something was happening - not this, but it's not surprising. You've done a fantastic job, so why wouldn't they want you?"
Ichigo shrugged; he didn't have an answer for that.
"What are you going to do about it?"
"I don't know," he answered honestly. "There's so much to think about, and…" He hesitated, struggling to say what he needed to. "My feelings keep getting in the way. I'm trying to be sensible and logical about this, but-"
Isshin's laughter cut him off.
"What's so damn funny?" Ichigo flushed, annoyed. "Quit laughin' at me!"
"I'm not laughing at you, exactly." His father continued to chuckle. "It's just… why would you try to ignore your feelings? Logic is important, but it's only one factor in the decision."
"Huh?"
"Ichigo, you have to live with your feelings. You can't just push them aside when they make things complicated."
"But… I can't make a decision like this emotionally," he objected. It was far too tempting to give in to the impulse of the moment, and this wasn’t the sort of decision that could be unmade.
"No, but what you feel is as important as all the rest," Isshin told him firmly. "Never mind what I asked you before, I have a better question. What do you want to do?"
"I want to protect the people that are important to me." That much he knew for certain. "Pop, I gotta ask. Was it… I mean, how did you… argh!" He scrubbed his hand through his hair. "How did you feel when you decided to give it all up?" He finally forced out the words.
Isshin was silent for a long time; Ichigo thought he might have crossed the line by asking so blatantly. He wanted, needed, his father's advice, but not if it meant…
"It was difficult, of course. Leaving behind my life, my comrades… well, our situations are very different, of course, but the choice is the same." His father smiled at him then. "It was hard, and painful. But I will be forever grateful that I made the choice I did. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have you and your sisters, wouldn't have had your mother's love. My choice gave me my family, and I will never regret that."
Ichigo didn't know what to say to that. He dropped his gaze and fiddled with his hands as he thought. "So, my place is with my family." A dull ache began spreading in his chest, and he felt guilt welling up inside him as he tried to bury his traitorous desires.
"You already know your place, Ichigo. But it's your choice - only you can decide where that is." Ichigo looked up at the chiding tone.
"A person's place is with their family," Isshin agreed. "But you have more than one family, now." He pointed at Ichigo's arm. Startled, Ichigo looked down to discover his sleeve had ridden up - he'd forgotten that his body didn't have a bandage covering the new tattoo encircling his forearm.
"But how can I choose between them?" The pain in his chest migrated to his throat, and he had trouble speaking around it without choking. "They need me, Pop, in a bad way, but that's not the only reason. I'm proud of what I've accomplished there - I helped turn that Division around. I trained them, they're my people. I made a difference there."
Ichigo swallowed hard, unable to stop the flow of words. "But people here need me, too. I have a life here. I have friends, good friends - Chad and the others, we've been through a lot together. And Karin and Yuzu… I don't wanna leave 'em behind. I don't wanna miss them growin' up and…" He couldn't continue.
"Who said you had to choose between them?" his father asked. "You're choosing which life you want to lead. And whichever life you choose, both of your families will still be there, still be a part of it. Just in a different way."
Not choosing between them… choosing the life I want? Ichigo's thoughts crystallized around that unexpectedly profound wisdom from his normally erratic father. "I never thought about it like that before," he admitted. Hope started pushing back at the ache that had been gnawing at him as he realized just what his father was telling him.
"Of course not." Isshin shook his head. "You were too busy thinking about what it meant to everyone else, instead of trying to decide what you want." He turned his head away, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like, "Oh Masaki, our noble son!" Ichigo let that go for the time being as he turned the new thoughts over in his mind.
What I want… What do I want? His heart leaped - he could choose what he wanted. I can have what I want!
"Thanks Pop. You've never said anythin' more helpful to me in my whole life." Ichigo braced himself. Sure enough, Isshin's arms were around him and the man was weeping tears of joy. "Oh Ichigo, Daddy is so happy!"
"Yeah, yeah." Ichigo patted his father's shoulder awkwardly, letting the man have this one moment. He owed him that much.
*
When Renji returned home from his patrol late that evening, he immediately sensed something was off. He couldn’t feel Ichigo's presence anywhere nearby, and while that wasn't normally a cause for worry, today he couldn't help feeling a bit concerned.
He entered their quarters and removed his cloak and sandals as usual before he spotted the letter on the table.
Dear Renji,
I know I don't have to say this stuff, I know you already know it, but I'm following your example and taking Yumichika's advice about this whole love letter thing. I know what you meant now when you wrote that you couldn't believe you were doing it. Part of me feels ridiculous writing these things down, but if I'm honest with myself, a bigger part of me feels happy to have the freedom to do it at all. And I have to admit, the thought that you'll be reading these things is a bit of a thrill.
I'm taking your advice and going to talk to my father about all of this. Like we said the other night, if anyone would know how this feels he would. Seems weird, going to talk to him so openly about this stuff, but I guess it's time we both got used to it.
I still don't know what to think or how to feel about all of this. I guess I always knew I'd have to choose between my duty to my family and my duty as a shinigami someday. I wish it didn't feel like whichever one I choose, I'm abandoning my responsibilities to the other. It's hard to make a rational, logical choice when I have all these feelings getting in the way. Should I even try to separate them? I don't want to leave my family behind, watch them go on living without me, and not be there to protect them. But I have other people that need me, other people I care about and want to take care of, too. An entire Division of people, and all our friends, not to mention all the others in both worlds who are being hurt by all of this. How do I choose between them, when they're both equally important to me?
And then there's you. I've been spoiled, getting to wake up next to you in our bed every morning. I love being able to tell you things right away, instead of scribbling a note on a piece of paper in my pocket and hoping I'd find it again when I write my next letter. I love being able to fight beside you, knowing you're there to watch my back if I need it, but trusting enough in me to think that I probably won't. Just like I do for you.
Some love letter, huh? Guess that's just how we are. We're just too many things to each other at once, and they can't be separated that easily. Allies, comrades, team mates… friends, lovers, and partners in everything. No matter what else happens, those things will never, ever change. And I wouldn't trade any of them for the world. We're stuck with each other forever.
They gave me two days extra leave, but I'm only going to be gone for one and then I'm coming back home to you. I really don't think I could stay away much longer.
Love Ichigo
Renji leaned back and took a deep breath. When he does somethin', he sure does it all the way! These words Ichigo had left for him resonated with his own thoughts and feelings. I'm glad t' see there ain't any doubts left behind. Nothin' can ever change what we got now.
He read over the letter again; he was aware that he was smiling like a fool, but there was no one to see in the privacy of their quarters. He tried not to read too much into those final lines, but despite his best efforts, Renji found himself daring to hope. It was that hope that forced him to admit something that he'd been hiding from them both.
I want him t' want t' stay.
An odd relief accompanied this admission. It was true that the decision wouldn't change their feelings either way. And it was also true that he wanted Ichigo to choose for himself. But Renji knew that what he wanted for himself was for Ichigo to want the same thing he did. And what he wanted more than anything was for Ichigo to stay.
Belatedly, Renji realized that that was what Ichigo had been hoping for all along - that simple admission, proof that his partner wanted him there enough to say so when it mattered the most. An' I let him down.
Renji felt Ichigo's absence keenly when he lay alone in their bed. He'd gotten spoiled, too, having a warm body to curl up with every night. He didn't expect to be able to rest, but his day had been long and tiring, and he fell asleep before making it through the letter for a third time.
*
It was late, very late, when Ichigo crept silently through their quarters. He'd spent the evening with his father and sisters, laughing and retelling old stories. His sisters had been surprised to hear about the decision he was facing, and told him to try not to worry so much. His family's company was soothing and he enjoyed it thoroughly, but when it came time to bid them goodnight, he'd opted to return to Soul Society.
He gave up tiptoeing across the room when he heard Renji stir as Ichigo's reiatsu brushed up against his own. As their energies bonded and warmth surrounded him, the final piece of the puzzle fell into place.
"Ichigo, what're ya doin' back so soon?" Renji's sleepy mumble was muffled. The red-haired shinigami was buried face down in the pillow he was clutching - Ichigo's pillow, he noted with a smirk.
"I did what I needed to do. Too much goin' on here to take a holiday right now." Ichigo stripped out of his uniform and slipped under the blankets beside his lover, at the last second avoiding stepping on what he recognized as his letter.
He was smiling as he wrestled his pillow out of Renji's grasp and arranged himself comfortably next to the sprawled shinigami.
"Welcome home, then." Renji shifted closer. "Glad you're here. Wanna tell ya what I shoulda said last night."
"What's that?" Ichigo kept his thoughts tightly locked up at the ritual benediction.
Renji's arm slid around his waist, his body curling around Ichigo's possessively. "Stay here with me." Almost immediately his breathing grew slow and steady against the back of Ichigo's neck.
A powerful emotion welled up inside Ichigo hearing the candidly spoken desire, and he locked his feelings down even tighter. He'd give it a few days before saying anything he couldn't take back.
Not that there's much chance of that. He closed his eyes, peace washing over him as he quietly settled his decision.
*
The next day Ichigo went back to work, waving away Kira's suggestion to take the second day off. He wanted to try on the choice he'd made, to go through the day as if he were a permanent part of Soul Society.
It was the same as it had been the day before, but Ichigo looked at Seireitei with new eyes. Familiar places held more attachment, and he felt downright possessive when he walked into the 3rd Division headquarters.
You were right, Pop. I do know my place.
At the end of the day, Ichigo felt right about his decision to stay. He'd unwittingly built himself a life here, doing what he was best at, what he enjoyed. He had an important role to play, good friends to fight beside, and someone to share it all with every day. Stacked up against that, giving up his mortal life didn't seem like that big of a deal anymore.
My life is still my life, however and wherever I choose to live it.
*
Ichigo paced in his office, waiting for Renji to show up after the end of his shift. Three days he'd sat on his decision without telling anyone, until that afternoon when he'd gone to see the Commander-General, and Kira. The other captains would be informed of his acceptance in a matter of hours, and Ichigo wanted to make sure Renji heard it first, right from him. He would be formally proclaimed the next day, but as soon as the cloak settled on his shoulders he would be invested as the new captain of the 3rd Division.
The cloak in question was folded neatly on top of his bare desk, waiting. Ichigo made another circuit of the office. Is he ever gonna get here? I sent that message ages ago. Now that he was ready to make it official, he found it harder to wait these last few minutes than it had been for the entire three days prior.
Finally the approach of familiar reiatsu halted his pacing. He stood next to his desk, arms folded to keep his hands from shaking with excitement.
Renji entered with a brief knock. "Hey, what's goin' on? That hell butterfly nearly flapped its wings off gettin' t' me. What couldn't wait 'til we got home?" The red-haired shinigami closed the door behind him and turned his attention on the scene in front of him.
"I wanted you to be the first to know." Ichigo looked intently into his lover's startled eyes as he picked the cloak up off his desk. It fell neatly out of its folds, the 3rd Division insignia standing out boldly.
Renji was frozen on the spot - Ichigo couldn't sense anything from him except an acute shock. Ichigo kept his gaze firmly on the shinigami standing before him as he slipped his arms into place and settled the cloak on his shoulders.
It was done.
"I'm staying," he said, unnecessarily. His voice broke whatever was keeping Renji in stasis. Renji crossed the distance between them in a single step, his hands closing roughly on Ichigo's shoulders as his dark eyes searched Ichigo's face.
Ichigo was hit by a wall of emotion that would have knocked him off his feet had he not been ready for it. Relief, guilt, fear, and joy whipped through the room, fighting for dominance. Ichigo let the storm play out for a few moments before he clamped down on it with his own energy.
"This is what I want," Ichigo stated firmly. "It's what's best for everyone - for Soul Society, for the world, for us…" He held up a hand to halt Renji's protest before it began. "This is what's best for me. I choose this life for myself most of all, above all of that." He focused hard on letting his conviction and happiness project through their link.
It must have worked; the tension left Renji's eyes, and joy won the battle. "You're sure?" the shinigami's words came out in a rush. "You're really sure?"
Ichigo nodded, and would have offered another reassurance, but he was caught in a crushing hold and Renji seemed intent on devouring his mouth whole.
"Oi, lemme breathe, will ya Renji!" Ichigo protested, pushing his over-excited lover back with a laugh.
"Sorry, can't help it." Renji was grinning from ear to ear. "Ya just gave me the best news in years." He leaned in and kissed him again, a little less eagerly this time so Ichigo could reciprocate.
"Time t' go celebrate now!" Renji grabbed Ichigo by the wrist and tried to haul him out of the office.
"Not so fast!" Ichigo refused to be budged. "I'd rather start that right now." He gave Renji a look intended to leave no doubt as to what he wanted.
"Ya mean… right here?"
"What, you're the only one who gets to sit in his office and remember somethin' other than paperwork bein' done on his desk?" Ichigo grinned.
"Ooh, I dunno, what's it like t' have a captain for a lover?" Renji's wide-eyed exaggeration was at odds with his lascivious smirk.
"You're about to find out, if you help me get this thing off." Ichigo pulled at the cloak, trying to untangle it from his zanpakutou.
"That is the idea," Renji was suddenly behind him, whispering suggestively in his ear as he disentangled Ichigo's cloak and belt.
They managed to be quick and quiet, though the offices were nearly deserted by that time. Ichigo was just getting warmed up, and was about to suggest they continue the rest of their celebration at home when an alarm began to sound. Both their Divisions were on call, so they had no time for further dalliance.
Well they'd just have to pick it up again later. There'd be plenty of opportunities from now on… they were going to have forever to do a lot of things.
That reminded him of something he'd somehow forgotten to consider. Ichigo groaned.
Renji looked at him curiously as he straightened his uniform. "What?"
"I just realized." Ichigo shook his head ruefully. "I'm gonna be sparring with Kenpachi every week for the rest of my, uh, my whatever… for eternity!"
Renji's eyes widened and he began to laugh.
"Hey, it's not funny!" Ichigo objected. "Just for that I'm gonna tell him you wanna join the 'fun' next time!"
"Oh ya wouldn't!"
"You just try me. Keep laughin', idiot, and you'll find yourself facin' that psycho weekly."
Renji snorted and choked down his laughter. "Ya fight dirty, Ichigo, ya really do."
Ichigo grinned. "Hell yeah. Gotta stay ahead of those stuck up bureaucrats, and keep up with you." He stopped in the doorway. "Hang on, I nearly forgot somethin'." He rummaged in a cupboard and came up with the 3rd Division's lieutenant's insignia. "Gotta give this to Kira," he explained.
Renji chuckled. "What'll they say when they find out the former acting lieutenant is makin' the former acting captain his lieutenant? An' never mind how on top a' that, ya were acting captain for a while, too, an' Kira already used to be lieutenant before he was acting captain." It did sound awfully convoluted laid out like that, but it was still the best choice.
"Who cares? If he'll take it, it's his. He knows the job, he's good at it, and we already know we work pretty well together."
"Can't argue with that." The other shinigami captain shook his head and laughed again as they headed out to rally their fighters. "Man, they got no idea what they let themselves in for, givin' ya that cloak."
*
Omake
~Ch 16~
Akuni: Now he's a captain.
…
…
Akuni: Oh for… do you two ever get enough?
Akuni: …wait, what the hell am I saying? Go for it, guys!
Continue to Chapter 17 - Consequences
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