No Escape
Title: No Escape
Author: akuarkangel
Pairings/Characters: Kyusung, implied Changkyu
Rating: Pg-13
Genre: Still more Angst guise
Warnings: Unbeta-ed, Swearing, and a lot of broken people. =.=
Summary: Whenever I look at Jongwoon and see the bruises, I’m reminded of my mother all over again. The broken, too tiny woman who used to read me stories at night. The one who used to hold me and praise me with every report card I brought home, and every award I won. I look at him and wonder if he feels the same way my mother felt.
A/N: This is part 2 to my Kyusung Double-shot. Enjoy! ^^
Part 1
Looking back on my life now, where I am, and where I thought I’d be, I almost feel like crying. I want to scream, shout and tear down the layers and bricks that make up my life, bit by bit. Somewhere along the way, everything became so jumbled and mixed up, that I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to be normal. To be carefree and for everything to be simple. Regular problems surrounded by regular people. I’m not usually one to like wallowing in my own self-pity, but lately it seems like it’s all I’ve been able to do.
***
Growing up, there was always a level of expectation that was placed upon me. I knew what was expected of me, as did everyone else. Not living up to those expectations was just not an option I was given. Any type of disappointment was met with discipline of the highest degree.
No one was safe from it.
His mother, who had been a large pinnacle of his childhood, frequently carried the physical and mental scars of such disappointment. From little reasons as her hair being in disarray, to not living up to the full expectations placed on her from being a Cho. As a child, I always wondered why she was never good enough for my father. No matter how hard she tried, he always managed to find a flaw.
A crack.
No matter how careful she was or precise, there was always something missing. And I knew that missing meant more disappointment. And more disappointment led to more screams and scars in the dead of night. In a way, this was my fuel. My fuel to be the best at everything I did.
The top of my class with exceptional intelligence, among other attributes I carried. By the time I was thirteen, I was already well on my way through advanced High School coarse, and working up to college level work. My father practically swelled with joy over the accomplishments of his prodigal son.
No, my father never actually laid a hand on me. Not once. Even so, the emotional scars did more damage than any physical abuse he could have ever given.
***
I was fourteen years old when I found my mother’s body. Her face was serene and blank. I wouldn’t say she looked like she was asleep, but she certainly looked happier then I’d seen her in a long time. She’d overdosed on Vicodin and died in our bath tub with a glass of wine beside her, and one of my old t-shirts from when I was a boy clutched in her hand.
That day was the first day I ever heard my father praise her, even if it left a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Well, at least she knows how to kill herself without leaving a mess for me to clean up. Say goodbye to your mother, Kyuhyun.
I hated my mother for a long time after that. For being weak and letting my father treat her that way, and mostly for leaving me with him. Living in the same house as the devil tends to take any form of happiness you may achieve, and twist them until there’s nothing left.
***
Whenever I look at Jongwoon and see the bruises, I’m reminded of my mother all over again. The broken, too tiny woman who used to read me stories at night. The one who used to hold me and praise me with every report card I brought home, and every award I won. I look at him and wonder if he feels the same way my mother felt.
I look at him and wonder why haven’t you left me yet?
When I think like that, it makes me more frustrated and angry. I want Jongwoon to leave and never come back. To get out and live like he should. I want him to have the option that my mother never had. I guess I never realized that while she was trapped because of the law and her family, Jongwoon was trapped because of his own heart. His heart makes him blind to the monster I really am.
After all, they say I’m my father’s son.
If I’m so much like him, then it’s only bound to get worse as this keeps going on.
Maybe if he gets fed up enough with the lies and the abuse, he’ll leave. After that, maybe I can stop hating myself for sitting back and watching my mother’s destruction. Instead of protecting her, I sat back in fear of facing the same fate as her.
I was a coward and I was pathetic.
I’m still a coward and I’m still pathetic.
And he still loves me for it, even when he finds it too hard to smile.
No matter how hard I try to stop, I know I can never change. I’m too broken. I’ve seen too much for it to get better, and I’m too set in my ways to know any different. Even if I can admit to my short comings, my anger won’t subside because I can never forgive and forget.
***
“Jongwoon. Why do you love me?”
Jongwoon blinked as he lay with his back against Kyuhyun’s chest.
“Why wouldn’t I love you? You’re my soul mate Kyu, and I love everything about you-“
“I’m cheating on you Jongwoon.” He said blankly.
Jongwoon swallowed thickly before burying his face into his arm.
“I-I know.”
“It wasn’t just one time. I’ve been cheating on you for over a year now. His name is Changmin. We started working together on an overseas project and I’ve been sleeping with him ever since.”
Silent tears fell from Jongwoon’s tightly clinched eyes as he took shallow breaths to calm his racing heart.
“Why…why are you saying this to me? After all this time, why?” He whispered numbly.
“Because….because I wanted to know if that’s enough to make you leave me.”
Jongwoon chuckled breathlessly before turning around and facing Kyuhyun. He gazed into his
eyes intently before smiling.
“No, it’s not. You want to know why? Because even with all of that, no matter how late you are, I’m the one you come home to at the end of the day. I know no matter who you sleep with, I’m the one who holds your heart. Even though you like to pretend you don’t care…I know you do. You care too much, and that’s why you do the things you do. So no, I’m still not going to leave you.” His words were sharp and clear even though he felt as if any minute his lungs were going to collapse in on themselves.
Tears fell from Kyuhyun’s eyes as he began to shake.
“Why are you doing this to me? Why can’t you just leave me? I deserve it right? I deserve to be alone.”
Jongwoon reached out and wrapped his arms around Kyuhyun’s shaking form before pulling him into a soft embrace.
“Because, this is my own revenge. Looking at me every day reminds you of all of your weaknesses and mistakes. Loving me just to hurt me hurts you just as much. I may be miserable, but you’re just as stuck and miserable as I am. It hurts doesn’t it? I know it does, and that’s why I can never let you go like you can never let me go.”
Sometimes Kyuhyun couldn’t figure out who was more fucked up in the head. Him or Jongwoon. Maybe they were both too messed up to actually get better. Maybe that’s why there was no one else in the world that was perfect for them like each other. Kyuhyun’s expression hardened as he willed his body to stop shaking. Without a backwards glance, he knocked Jongwoon’s hands away from him before climbing out of bed. With his back straight and head held high, made his way to their closet before pulling out a pair of slacks and a black button down shirt.
“I’m going out. Don’t wait up.” He grumbled before walking out of their bedroom and slamming the door.
Jongwoon sighed softly before lying on his back and staring at the ceiling blankly. With a small smirk on his face, his closed his eyes.
Don’t worry, you’ll be back.
You always comeback.
A/N: So hm, I don’t know. I was originally going to go in a different direction with this when I brainstormed the first version of this double-shot, but somewhere down the line, it changed. I know everyone felt really bad for Jongwoon in the first one, but I made them both just as messed up and cruel as the other. Kyuhyun is tortured by the fact that his childhood and his anger will forever cause him to hurt the only man he loves, while Jongwoon is tortured by the fact that he can never be truly happy with the man he loves. Jongwoon knows staying with Kyuhyun will only hurt Kyuhyun more in the end, but he stays anyway because he wants Kyuhyun to feel as much pain as he feels. I don’t know, I guess I wanted a little twist in their relationship, but this whole thing might have just come off as really weird. If it doesn’t make any sense, then I’m sorry. OTL
Author: akuarkangel
Pairings/Characters: Kyusung, implied Changkyu
Rating: Pg-13
Genre: Still more Angst guise
Warnings: Unbeta-ed, Swearing, and a lot of broken people. =.=
Summary: Whenever I look at Jongwoon and see the bruises, I’m reminded of my mother all over again. The broken, too tiny woman who used to read me stories at night. The one who used to hold me and praise me with every report card I brought home, and every award I won. I look at him and wonder if he feels the same way my mother felt.
A/N: This is part 2 to my Kyusung Double-shot. Enjoy! ^^
Part 1
Looking back on my life now, where I am, and where I thought I’d be, I almost feel like crying. I want to scream, shout and tear down the layers and bricks that make up my life, bit by bit. Somewhere along the way, everything became so jumbled and mixed up, that I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to be normal. To be carefree and for everything to be simple. Regular problems surrounded by regular people. I’m not usually one to like wallowing in my own self-pity, but lately it seems like it’s all I’ve been able to do.
***
Growing up, there was always a level of expectation that was placed upon me. I knew what was expected of me, as did everyone else. Not living up to those expectations was just not an option I was given. Any type of disappointment was met with discipline of the highest degree.
No one was safe from it.
His mother, who had been a large pinnacle of his childhood, frequently carried the physical and mental scars of such disappointment. From little reasons as her hair being in disarray, to not living up to the full expectations placed on her from being a Cho. As a child, I always wondered why she was never good enough for my father. No matter how hard she tried, he always managed to find a flaw.
A crack.
No matter how careful she was or precise, there was always something missing. And I knew that missing meant more disappointment. And more disappointment led to more screams and scars in the dead of night. In a way, this was my fuel. My fuel to be the best at everything I did.
The top of my class with exceptional intelligence, among other attributes I carried. By the time I was thirteen, I was already well on my way through advanced High School coarse, and working up to college level work. My father practically swelled with joy over the accomplishments of his prodigal son.
No, my father never actually laid a hand on me. Not once. Even so, the emotional scars did more damage than any physical abuse he could have ever given.
***
I was fourteen years old when I found my mother’s body. Her face was serene and blank. I wouldn’t say she looked like she was asleep, but she certainly looked happier then I’d seen her in a long time. She’d overdosed on Vicodin and died in our bath tub with a glass of wine beside her, and one of my old t-shirts from when I was a boy clutched in her hand.
That day was the first day I ever heard my father praise her, even if it left a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Well, at least she knows how to kill herself without leaving a mess for me to clean up. Say goodbye to your mother, Kyuhyun.
I hated my mother for a long time after that. For being weak and letting my father treat her that way, and mostly for leaving me with him. Living in the same house as the devil tends to take any form of happiness you may achieve, and twist them until there’s nothing left.
***
Whenever I look at Jongwoon and see the bruises, I’m reminded of my mother all over again. The broken, too tiny woman who used to read me stories at night. The one who used to hold me and praise me with every report card I brought home, and every award I won. I look at him and wonder if he feels the same way my mother felt.
I look at him and wonder why haven’t you left me yet?
When I think like that, it makes me more frustrated and angry. I want Jongwoon to leave and never come back. To get out and live like he should. I want him to have the option that my mother never had. I guess I never realized that while she was trapped because of the law and her family, Jongwoon was trapped because of his own heart. His heart makes him blind to the monster I really am.
After all, they say I’m my father’s son.
If I’m so much like him, then it’s only bound to get worse as this keeps going on.
Maybe if he gets fed up enough with the lies and the abuse, he’ll leave. After that, maybe I can stop hating myself for sitting back and watching my mother’s destruction. Instead of protecting her, I sat back in fear of facing the same fate as her.
I was a coward and I was pathetic.
I’m still a coward and I’m still pathetic.
And he still loves me for it, even when he finds it too hard to smile.
No matter how hard I try to stop, I know I can never change. I’m too broken. I’ve seen too much for it to get better, and I’m too set in my ways to know any different. Even if I can admit to my short comings, my anger won’t subside because I can never forgive and forget.
***
“Jongwoon. Why do you love me?”
Jongwoon blinked as he lay with his back against Kyuhyun’s chest.
“Why wouldn’t I love you? You’re my soul mate Kyu, and I love everything about you-“
“I’m cheating on you Jongwoon.” He said blankly.
Jongwoon swallowed thickly before burying his face into his arm.
“I-I know.”
“It wasn’t just one time. I’ve been cheating on you for over a year now. His name is Changmin. We started working together on an overseas project and I’ve been sleeping with him ever since.”
Silent tears fell from Jongwoon’s tightly clinched eyes as he took shallow breaths to calm his racing heart.
“Why…why are you saying this to me? After all this time, why?” He whispered numbly.
“Because….because I wanted to know if that’s enough to make you leave me.”
Jongwoon chuckled breathlessly before turning around and facing Kyuhyun. He gazed into his
eyes intently before smiling.
“No, it’s not. You want to know why? Because even with all of that, no matter how late you are, I’m the one you come home to at the end of the day. I know no matter who you sleep with, I’m the one who holds your heart. Even though you like to pretend you don’t care…I know you do. You care too much, and that’s why you do the things you do. So no, I’m still not going to leave you.” His words were sharp and clear even though he felt as if any minute his lungs were going to collapse in on themselves.
Tears fell from Kyuhyun’s eyes as he began to shake.
“Why are you doing this to me? Why can’t you just leave me? I deserve it right? I deserve to be alone.”
Jongwoon reached out and wrapped his arms around Kyuhyun’s shaking form before pulling him into a soft embrace.
“Because, this is my own revenge. Looking at me every day reminds you of all of your weaknesses and mistakes. Loving me just to hurt me hurts you just as much. I may be miserable, but you’re just as stuck and miserable as I am. It hurts doesn’t it? I know it does, and that’s why I can never let you go like you can never let me go.”
Sometimes Kyuhyun couldn’t figure out who was more fucked up in the head. Him or Jongwoon. Maybe they were both too messed up to actually get better. Maybe that’s why there was no one else in the world that was perfect for them like each other. Kyuhyun’s expression hardened as he willed his body to stop shaking. Without a backwards glance, he knocked Jongwoon’s hands away from him before climbing out of bed. With his back straight and head held high, made his way to their closet before pulling out a pair of slacks and a black button down shirt.
“I’m going out. Don’t wait up.” He grumbled before walking out of their bedroom and slamming the door.
Jongwoon sighed softly before lying on his back and staring at the ceiling blankly. With a small smirk on his face, his closed his eyes.
Don’t worry, you’ll be back.
You always comeback.
A/N: So hm, I don’t know. I was originally going to go in a different direction with this when I brainstormed the first version of this double-shot, but somewhere down the line, it changed. I know everyone felt really bad for Jongwoon in the first one, but I made them both just as messed up and cruel as the other. Kyuhyun is tortured by the fact that his childhood and his anger will forever cause him to hurt the only man he loves, while Jongwoon is tortured by the fact that he can never be truly happy with the man he loves. Jongwoon knows staying with Kyuhyun will only hurt Kyuhyun more in the end, but he stays anyway because he wants Kyuhyun to feel as much pain as he feels. I don’t know, I guess I wanted a little twist in their relationship, but this whole thing might have just come off as really weird. If it doesn’t make any sense, then I’m sorry. OTL