Those Spring Days - 2/4 - ShouXUruha
Title: Those Spring Days
Chapter: 2/4
Author:
akichuu
Rating: could be R for the stuffs stated in the 'warnings' section.
Genre: angst, romance, songfic
Warnings: depression, self-injury, suicidal acts, character death(?)
Pairings/Bands: ShouXUruha / the Gazette & Alice nine
Disclaimers: PSC own them until further notice
Summary: Like a jewel, the light reflected a myriad of thoughts. The spring days that you had brought to me, even now, they sparkle in my heart. They're the proof of having been with you (taken from Alice nine's JEWELS).
~ 2 ~
From "I like you" things morphed into a more edgy situation of the oftenly mentioned "I love you". "I like you" didn't carry as much burden as "I love you" did, and "I love you" meant a bond, a status that tied us together - no matter how queer it was. Oh yes I understood very well the funny looks people would shoot at us if we dared holding hands in public, but I really didn't care and they could mock us if they wanted to, I really wouldn't give a damn if one of them came to me and point a finger at me. I was a stupid, happy little puppy in love and I could just believe it right then and there if someone told me that fairies existed.
Our first kiss happened behind a tree at the school's backyard. I started it. It had been a week or so after we got together, and honestly it had been one of the things I thought about most oftenly. His lips did this, his lips caused my hidden obsession I had kept inside me and when the moment finally came, I just took my chance and pressed him against a tree and stuck my lips onto his. Amazing was an understatement to how I felt the minute he replied, and things became completely blurry when we started using tongues. I was high up on the seventh sky, flapping my wings and singing hymns with harp strings tingling on the background and if only time would seize to move... I'd die happy.
We hid what we had in front of our friends, and it seriously was hard. I felt like nearly exploding when I needed to talk about this happiness I felt inside - it normally went that way, didn't it? When you're in love, all you want to do is to share this happiness with the whole world if possible and they can puke all they want but you just want to talk and talk about it. But in my case... No, I couldn't. Whenever I gathered with Reita, Aoi or Ruki, all I wanted was to tell them how Shou kissed me that day, or how Shou told me I was lovely, or how Shou held me so warmly. I couldn't bring up the topic. I knew what they would think of me: their friend turning gay. I was afraid. I was locked up in my own world, and it was frustrating, really.
I knew Shou was dealing with the same problem, he had told me about it. He couldn't talk about what was going on with his friends, and he thought he was losing his mind. We had to behave ourselves whenever we went out for a date in public places - a movie or a visit to the game center; no holding hands in front of people, no too-obvious touches, no nothing suspicious. I could just scream out of stress because all I wanted was to hold him tight and kiss him, the people be damned.
It was pathetic, but it was the condition that we had to go through if we chose to stay together. And I was bracing myself up, every single day, because I knew I loved him and I wasn't going to let go of my only chance to be with him. If that required me to cope with small, insufficient toilet rooms or a dark spot inside the theatre, so be it. When I had his lips on mine, I couldn't help forgetting about the whole damned world and just melt to that moment right there.
We survived the secrecy and soon enough, he became all that was important to me.
~
"You know I love you, right?" Shou asked me once.
"Yes," I answered doubtfully. I hated the sad, depressive voice he spoke with, and it gave me an uncomfortable feeling in my chest.
"It's just that..." he paused, and without looking at me, he started telling the story about what had happened earlier that day. A girl had come up to him. She was a long time friend, he said, she had confided in him and he in her. I felt my heart fall to my stomach and I froze within the bitter feeling flooding up inside of me when he told me that that girl had confessed to him that she liked him as more than a friend. I suppose I knew where he was going, but I just froze there like someone had just drowned me in the arctic sea. He kept speaking about her and how he had doubted first, but then told her that he was seeing someone else. I wasn't sure if he had told her that that 'someone else' was me, but I didn't ask.
All I knew was, I felt nothing else but insecure. I felt like one of the chain rings that linked me and him together had just cracked, and now the damaged part was threatening to dispatch the whole sequence. He convinced me that I was the only one he loved, he convinced me that I would always be number one, I would always be the person he held up above anything else. But I knew... I knew I could never feel safe anymore.
~
The storm came to shore in nauseating frequency afterward. I didn't know what started each and every one of our fights or arguments, but sometimes even the simplest joke could get us to days of not talking to each other. I was scared, more than ever, and I could just feel it, the knot in my stomach twisting and tightening, telling me that this would lead to nowhere good. I was letting my fear get a hold of me and I forgot about rationals whenever I saw a person got close to you - men or women. This way, I was torturing myself, I got skinnier - so my friends had told me - since I'd lost the appetite for any sort of food. All I could think about was you, and I'd spent days of worrying if someone had just gotten a hold of you, taken your hand or you wordlessly had fled from my grip. People say that you should keep a positive thought at all times, it was for your own sake, but I just couldn't find one reason to be positive.
Days came after days, and spring was halfway through by the time I got the bad news. It struck me like a lightning right against my chest and I was almost certain I had a heart attack. My father was moving out of town, his job required him to, and the whole family was going to follow him. I practically ran out of home and went through the rain to find Reita and there, in front of him, I cried. I blabbered just about everything I had hidden from him and told him I was going to be away from this place and I couldn't see Shou anymore and I was fucking dying because of it.
Reita, my dear Reita was such a friend, I just could never ask for a better person. Despite of my fears, for I had a guess that he was going to shoo me away from his room and shun me away as the 'queer one', he took me into his hold instead. I cried endlessly while he tried calming me and telling me that everything was going to be okay. Things wouldn't change much with me away from town, and he was going to keep contact, wherever I would be. He told me Shou would do just that too, keep contact with me, and Shou wouldn't just forget me that easily. But at this, I only cried worse, knowing my biggest fear had come true afterall.
At the end of spring, everything would end too. The feeling rotted in my chest as the days passed by and all I could do was to fake a smile and act happy around Shou, knowing I could never break the news to him. I was leaving. I was leaving and I would be alone, and being alone hurt. It was scary as hell, but as the days moved on, I knew I couldn't find a way to avoid it from happening.
~
He was my sunshine, and was my source of warmth. He was the painkiller I could take so freely every time I felt pain. He was the reason why that spring was more colorful than any springs of my childhood. He had made my life a roller coaster ride with all its drastic ascents and decents and turns, he had forced the side I had never known existed in me to climb out and show itself. He was the one who switched on the lights when I was roaming for directions in the dark.
He became the reason I breathed, the reason I went to sleep at night. He was in my dreams and was there when I opened my eyes. He haunted my mind and he kept popping in and out in my brain in the most inappropriate times ever.
He was the reason I became a skeptic and careful person, untrusting to the bones. He was all that was precious for me and I greedily wanted him for myself. He was the one who had made me so afraid... so afraid that if I did not have him by my side, I would be a complete wreck and I would lose all reasons to keep moving on. Deep inside... I knew it was true. If I lost him, I lost everything, and that included my life.
~
I should've taken a better control of myself and how I behaved in front of others, including Shou. I should've learnt how to act and fool people so that they couldn't guess what I hid behind my smiling face. Well other people except Reita (since I had told him everything already) finally placed their suspicions, in the mean time I tried ducking away accusations and weird, pointing looks. Reita helped me out in front of our friends, he kept wording out lies - better lies than my own. He said I wasn't healthy thus I couldn't study well, and as a cost I had to suffer, my grades came out disappointing. There was a slight truth in what he said, I couldn't study well indeed, and I made my grades an eyesore. I began hiding my test sheets from my parents because I knew they would question what the hell had gone wrong with me that had made me lose all composures and failed in just about everything.
Shou suspected too, of course. Well, how could he not? I practically forgot how to speak in front of him, and I barely replied to his mail messages. I couldn't look at him straight in the eye and I had problems with touching him. The matter was, I was so scared he would notice my worries, I even thought that if I touched him, he would be able to read through my skin about what I was thinking, although when I was rational enough, I knew that was impossible.
He was probably trying to change the atmosphere when he started to talk about his friends - and he mentioned about that girl who had come and confessed to him, yes we all remember her. I sat there getting more and more agitated but he continued telling me about the time he had gone out with his friends, with her included, and how they had had fun in the mall or something. I lost my patience finally when he started to talk about the lunch he had had with his friends and how that girl of a friend liked her strawberries to be eaten last.
"Go and talk to the wall," I said shortly before I got up quickly from my seat and dashed for the exit. I just hoped he missed the sight of my tears running down my cheeks like waterfalls.
My reaction apparently had triggered the rumbles to collapse even further from salvation; that night he mailed me, asking what had gone wrong, what he had said that offended me. He said he was sorry if there was something in his story that had made me uncomfortable. I didn't know why but I got dragged along and started to mention about the so-called girl-friend. The messages turned out into a series of malicious comments and replies; I accused him of placing too much attention to that girl, and he argued that she was nothing more but a close friend. It didn't take long before I lost my patience and threw my phone against the wall and went to lock myself in the bathroom and cried my eyes out in there.
The next day came with a sullen, gloomy rain and underneath the falling water drops, Shou came and took my hand. He held me tight careless of how soaked wet we got, and he whispered the most heart-breaking 'I'm sorry' ever. And I couldn't help but cry.
If he only knew why it was so hard to hold him... If he only knew that my anxiety had nothing to do with that girl I had fussed about, I was only looking for a distraction and she happened to be in the way and she held every aspects for me to make her the outlaw. If he only knew how cruel I had become. If he only knew what I was hiding and what it might do to us. If he only knew that this was all turning out to be merely a dream, as I had been afraid of the day it started, and soon the dream was going to vanish. I was counting days, and if only Shou knew I was leaving... What would he say about it?
~
Before: 1
other titles --> fanfic list
Chapter: 2/4
Author:
akichuu
Rating: could be R for the stuffs stated in the 'warnings' section.
Genre: angst, romance, songfic
Warnings: depression, self-injury, suicidal acts, character death(?)
Pairings/Bands: ShouXUruha / the Gazette & Alice nine
Disclaimers: PSC own them until further notice
Summary: Like a jewel, the light reflected a myriad of thoughts. The spring days that you had brought to me, even now, they sparkle in my heart. They're the proof of having been with you (taken from Alice nine's JEWELS).
~ 2 ~
From "I like you" things morphed into a more edgy situation of the oftenly mentioned "I love you". "I like you" didn't carry as much burden as "I love you" did, and "I love you" meant a bond, a status that tied us together - no matter how queer it was. Oh yes I understood very well the funny looks people would shoot at us if we dared holding hands in public, but I really didn't care and they could mock us if they wanted to, I really wouldn't give a damn if one of them came to me and point a finger at me. I was a stupid, happy little puppy in love and I could just believe it right then and there if someone told me that fairies existed.
Our first kiss happened behind a tree at the school's backyard. I started it. It had been a week or so after we got together, and honestly it had been one of the things I thought about most oftenly. His lips did this, his lips caused my hidden obsession I had kept inside me and when the moment finally came, I just took my chance and pressed him against a tree and stuck my lips onto his. Amazing was an understatement to how I felt the minute he replied, and things became completely blurry when we started using tongues. I was high up on the seventh sky, flapping my wings and singing hymns with harp strings tingling on the background and if only time would seize to move... I'd die happy.
We hid what we had in front of our friends, and it seriously was hard. I felt like nearly exploding when I needed to talk about this happiness I felt inside - it normally went that way, didn't it? When you're in love, all you want to do is to share this happiness with the whole world if possible and they can puke all they want but you just want to talk and talk about it. But in my case... No, I couldn't. Whenever I gathered with Reita, Aoi or Ruki, all I wanted was to tell them how Shou kissed me that day, or how Shou told me I was lovely, or how Shou held me so warmly. I couldn't bring up the topic. I knew what they would think of me: their friend turning gay. I was afraid. I was locked up in my own world, and it was frustrating, really.
I knew Shou was dealing with the same problem, he had told me about it. He couldn't talk about what was going on with his friends, and he thought he was losing his mind. We had to behave ourselves whenever we went out for a date in public places - a movie or a visit to the game center; no holding hands in front of people, no too-obvious touches, no nothing suspicious. I could just scream out of stress because all I wanted was to hold him tight and kiss him, the people be damned.
It was pathetic, but it was the condition that we had to go through if we chose to stay together. And I was bracing myself up, every single day, because I knew I loved him and I wasn't going to let go of my only chance to be with him. If that required me to cope with small, insufficient toilet rooms or a dark spot inside the theatre, so be it. When I had his lips on mine, I couldn't help forgetting about the whole damned world and just melt to that moment right there.
We survived the secrecy and soon enough, he became all that was important to me.
~
"You know I love you, right?" Shou asked me once.
"Yes," I answered doubtfully. I hated the sad, depressive voice he spoke with, and it gave me an uncomfortable feeling in my chest.
"It's just that..." he paused, and without looking at me, he started telling the story about what had happened earlier that day. A girl had come up to him. She was a long time friend, he said, she had confided in him and he in her. I felt my heart fall to my stomach and I froze within the bitter feeling flooding up inside of me when he told me that that girl had confessed to him that she liked him as more than a friend. I suppose I knew where he was going, but I just froze there like someone had just drowned me in the arctic sea. He kept speaking about her and how he had doubted first, but then told her that he was seeing someone else. I wasn't sure if he had told her that that 'someone else' was me, but I didn't ask.
All I knew was, I felt nothing else but insecure. I felt like one of the chain rings that linked me and him together had just cracked, and now the damaged part was threatening to dispatch the whole sequence. He convinced me that I was the only one he loved, he convinced me that I would always be number one, I would always be the person he held up above anything else. But I knew... I knew I could never feel safe anymore.
~
The storm came to shore in nauseating frequency afterward. I didn't know what started each and every one of our fights or arguments, but sometimes even the simplest joke could get us to days of not talking to each other. I was scared, more than ever, and I could just feel it, the knot in my stomach twisting and tightening, telling me that this would lead to nowhere good. I was letting my fear get a hold of me and I forgot about rationals whenever I saw a person got close to you - men or women. This way, I was torturing myself, I got skinnier - so my friends had told me - since I'd lost the appetite for any sort of food. All I could think about was you, and I'd spent days of worrying if someone had just gotten a hold of you, taken your hand or you wordlessly had fled from my grip. People say that you should keep a positive thought at all times, it was for your own sake, but I just couldn't find one reason to be positive.
Days came after days, and spring was halfway through by the time I got the bad news. It struck me like a lightning right against my chest and I was almost certain I had a heart attack. My father was moving out of town, his job required him to, and the whole family was going to follow him. I practically ran out of home and went through the rain to find Reita and there, in front of him, I cried. I blabbered just about everything I had hidden from him and told him I was going to be away from this place and I couldn't see Shou anymore and I was fucking dying because of it.
Reita, my dear Reita was such a friend, I just could never ask for a better person. Despite of my fears, for I had a guess that he was going to shoo me away from his room and shun me away as the 'queer one', he took me into his hold instead. I cried endlessly while he tried calming me and telling me that everything was going to be okay. Things wouldn't change much with me away from town, and he was going to keep contact, wherever I would be. He told me Shou would do just that too, keep contact with me, and Shou wouldn't just forget me that easily. But at this, I only cried worse, knowing my biggest fear had come true afterall.
At the end of spring, everything would end too. The feeling rotted in my chest as the days passed by and all I could do was to fake a smile and act happy around Shou, knowing I could never break the news to him. I was leaving. I was leaving and I would be alone, and being alone hurt. It was scary as hell, but as the days moved on, I knew I couldn't find a way to avoid it from happening.
~
He was my sunshine, and was my source of warmth. He was the painkiller I could take so freely every time I felt pain. He was the reason why that spring was more colorful than any springs of my childhood. He had made my life a roller coaster ride with all its drastic ascents and decents and turns, he had forced the side I had never known existed in me to climb out and show itself. He was the one who switched on the lights when I was roaming for directions in the dark.
He became the reason I breathed, the reason I went to sleep at night. He was in my dreams and was there when I opened my eyes. He haunted my mind and he kept popping in and out in my brain in the most inappropriate times ever.
He was the reason I became a skeptic and careful person, untrusting to the bones. He was all that was precious for me and I greedily wanted him for myself. He was the one who had made me so afraid... so afraid that if I did not have him by my side, I would be a complete wreck and I would lose all reasons to keep moving on. Deep inside... I knew it was true. If I lost him, I lost everything, and that included my life.
~
I should've taken a better control of myself and how I behaved in front of others, including Shou. I should've learnt how to act and fool people so that they couldn't guess what I hid behind my smiling face. Well other people except Reita (since I had told him everything already) finally placed their suspicions, in the mean time I tried ducking away accusations and weird, pointing looks. Reita helped me out in front of our friends, he kept wording out lies - better lies than my own. He said I wasn't healthy thus I couldn't study well, and as a cost I had to suffer, my grades came out disappointing. There was a slight truth in what he said, I couldn't study well indeed, and I made my grades an eyesore. I began hiding my test sheets from my parents because I knew they would question what the hell had gone wrong with me that had made me lose all composures and failed in just about everything.
Shou suspected too, of course. Well, how could he not? I practically forgot how to speak in front of him, and I barely replied to his mail messages. I couldn't look at him straight in the eye and I had problems with touching him. The matter was, I was so scared he would notice my worries, I even thought that if I touched him, he would be able to read through my skin about what I was thinking, although when I was rational enough, I knew that was impossible.
He was probably trying to change the atmosphere when he started to talk about his friends - and he mentioned about that girl who had come and confessed to him, yes we all remember her. I sat there getting more and more agitated but he continued telling me about the time he had gone out with his friends, with her included, and how they had had fun in the mall or something. I lost my patience finally when he started to talk about the lunch he had had with his friends and how that girl of a friend liked her strawberries to be eaten last.
"Go and talk to the wall," I said shortly before I got up quickly from my seat and dashed for the exit. I just hoped he missed the sight of my tears running down my cheeks like waterfalls.
My reaction apparently had triggered the rumbles to collapse even further from salvation; that night he mailed me, asking what had gone wrong, what he had said that offended me. He said he was sorry if there was something in his story that had made me uncomfortable. I didn't know why but I got dragged along and started to mention about the so-called girl-friend. The messages turned out into a series of malicious comments and replies; I accused him of placing too much attention to that girl, and he argued that she was nothing more but a close friend. It didn't take long before I lost my patience and threw my phone against the wall and went to lock myself in the bathroom and cried my eyes out in there.
The next day came with a sullen, gloomy rain and underneath the falling water drops, Shou came and took my hand. He held me tight careless of how soaked wet we got, and he whispered the most heart-breaking 'I'm sorry' ever. And I couldn't help but cry.
If he only knew why it was so hard to hold him... If he only knew that my anxiety had nothing to do with that girl I had fussed about, I was only looking for a distraction and she happened to be in the way and she held every aspects for me to make her the outlaw. If he only knew how cruel I had become. If he only knew what I was hiding and what it might do to us. If he only knew that this was all turning out to be merely a dream, as I had been afraid of the day it started, and soon the dream was going to vanish. I was counting days, and if only Shou knew I was leaving... What would he say about it?
~
Before: 1
other titles --> fanfic list