Yomenai Kotoba 24/25 - AoiXRuki, ReitaXKai
Title: Yomenai Kotoba
Chapter: 24/25
Author: chuu ( akichuu)
Fandom: JRock, Gazette
Pairings: AoiXRuki. ReitaXKai
Overall Rating: NC-17
Genre: Smut. But it's sort of fluffy at some parts. Watch for some angst too.
Warnings: ManXMan sex scenes, language--just sometimes, over-exaggerated romance scenes. Un-beta-ed mistakes.
Summary: ... The feeling was nerve-wrecking... But he couldn't just sit here all day long, staring at that damn paper, wishing for the rest of the band to pop in through the door and coincidentally see it laying there on the table...
Comments: Yes it's gonna end at 25 *cries* But for your information, chapter 25 is split into two parts since I've made it too long for one... I won't say much for this chapter but just: read it.
- 24 -
"He what...?" Ruki mumbled blearily, laying in the bed where everything felt so soft and warm, curling his body under the thick blanket that was just perfectly sheltering him from the cold November beyond the window... Somehow, the imagery of heaven had just shifted in Ruki's mind, because he thought there was just no other place better than here and now, it felt like this place might as well be heaven afterall. For the last half an hour he had already closed his eyes, feeling so very compelled to give up to his sleepiness and just... fly away. Everything was just as wonderful as it was in a dreamland that he thought he could actually do that, fly away. It was altogether amazing; the feeling of being inside Aoi's arms, breathing his scent, feeling like, for once after a very long time, there was absolutely no doubt and no fear hanging inside his conscience. It didn't surprise him when the thought suddenly occured to him: he could just live like this forever and die happy.
The serenity was wrecked but not at all in a bad way when Aoi shuffled his hand through Ruki's hair, Ruki didn't find himself complaining because it felt just as good, having to feel like he was a baby being lulled to sleep. "He slapped me," Aoi answered with a low giggle that rumbled in his chest, right against Ruki's cheek, "He slapped me, but I asked him to do it."
Aoi had been trying to tell Ruki what had happened between him and Uruha in the meeting room just a few hours ago, Aoi had tried making the story fit its true chronology but so far it wasn't even close. He kept jumping from one point to another, and he would return to a part where he forgot about some detail, and then he'd jump to some other point which wasn't even linked to the previous one, and it was just like that over and over again. Ruki didn't complain, though. He knew it was the best that Aoi could do, being as sleepy and tired as he obviously was at the moment. Jumbled as the story seemed to be, Ruki could still get the grand idea.
"Where?" Ruki lifted his head lazily, looking at Aoi to check if there were marks of the mentioned violence on his face.
Aoi grinned, pointing his left cheek with one finger. "Here, but he didn't do it hard," he answered.
Ruki leaned down and placed a soft kiss at where Aoi had just pointed, rubbing his thumb on the skin afterward. "There..." he sighed, smiling as he leaned back down on the pillow, warmth crawling into his chest as he saw Aoi smiling too.
"Was that supposed to be some sort of a healing kiss?" Aoi giggled.
"You tell me," Ruki replied, "Does it feel better now?"
Letting out a purr from his throat, Ruki slid just slightly against the sheet when Aoi pulled him on his waist, gently taking Ruki into his hold again. Aoi hadn't said anything yet, but there was really no answer needed because in Aoi's eyes Ruki could see just how much better he felt already. The reason... Well. It might just be the same reason why Ruki felt so very good right now.
"It feels so much better, Baby," Aoi mumbled, placing a soft kiss on Ruki's lips, "But honestly, I felt nothing but good after he slapped me. What feeling was it... Relieved? I guess it's something like that. I was expecting I'd be a little offended, but no, in the contrary, I felt thankful that he'd done it. I probably needed it, you know, being blamed and all. Receiving people's anger." Aoi chuckled softly, "To remember that I actually got upset when you were craving for the blame, I just have to laugh at myself right now..." A sigh left his mouth, "You're right, Baby, all along. Sometimes it's just better to accept our mistake and live with it than to try to forget."
Nuzzling his face onto Aoi's neck, Ruki was silently agreeing to Aoi's words because, just like himself, Aoi might just need to be placed in that position, sitting with a guilty stamp across his head. He needed the punishment, the blaming and that bit of anger. To have everyone keeping it for themselves had actually been more of a torture than a chance to heal, it was like having the endless uncertainty of what was going to happen. Was it going to be over soon or was there more that they had to deal with. Was he supposed to stay quiet or was it better for him to start yelling out his frustration. It was like spending every single day in constant questioning, but there was no one offering him a decent answer, not one.
They all needed to be placed in that spot, once in a while, for their own sake. Well, Ruki knew he needed it. Not that he didn't appreciate Reita's opinion about him, and Reita was a sweet friend to have thought that much about Ruki, to care so much and to stay around when Ruki needed someone to talk to. Ruki understood that all Reita had been trying to do was to prevent him from getting hurt even worse. Every time they got involved in the same argument, the same topic, over and over again, Ruki kept thinking just why the hell their logics couldn't fit in together. But now he knew that Reita just didn't understand what it was like to be in this position, that even if pity or compassion was a good thing, condemnation was probably a better thing sometimes.
'You make mistakes, you apologize, you get forgiveness and you move on.'
But there was one important part that Reita had forgotten to mention, and that would be 'you get blamed' somewhere between making mistakes and apologizing. That part was also crucial because without being pointed at, a man could become too blind and too lost to know what to apologize for, or was he even guilty in the first place.
The cycle was almost completed and now, all that they had to do was to move on. It sounded easy and simple, but to take that step forward would need their cooperation, their full determination as a band, as a family. Before tonight, Ruki had thought that it was impossible to do, but now... even if it was shakily, clumsily, Ruki knew the five of them could hold hands again, together showing the world just how undefeatable they really were.
It was only then that Ruki realized, the room seemed to have paused and the clock had stopped ticking and silence was thick, enveloping him in a comfortable way. Aoi's story didn't seem like it's going further from where it had stopped, Ruki knew it from the steady breathing, the even movements of Aoi's chest: he was deeply asleep already. With a smile curling on his lips, Ruki decided that it was time for him to call it for tonight as well, clinging tightly to his loved one, closing his eyes and deep inside knowing... he was going to have a very beautiful dream tonight.
~
This was probably the quickest he had ever done finishing the whole lyrics for one song, but to think of how long it was exactly the length of time stretched between the moment he had been handed the tabs and the moment he had scribbled the first word to it, it was actually the longest time he had ever needed. Before he sat down on this chair, facing the tabs in front of him with a piece of paper and a pen, Ruki had doubted he would have it done in any time today. But once he had started writing, he couldn't stop, everything flowed out of him like it had been contained for so long, just waiting for its time to emerge. He wrote and he wrote, and before he knew it, five minutes had passed and the song was finally completed with its lyrics.
Uruha's words on the last page of the tabs definitely held a big part throughout the process of writing, and Ruki had tried his best not to eliminate their importance, thinking that it would be unfair to deprive the song with its essential meaning. There was a purpose, an expression in every single thing Uruha had written that Ruki didn't want to shut away--couldn't shut away, more appropriately. There was honesty in those words, a prayer in each paragraph. There was hope for the future and this was what Ruki was trying to depict in his set of words. Un-rhymed as it may be in the end, unbelievably sappy it turned out for Ruki, this was the result of the many days of confusion, of pain, and of the unbearable tension.
Once it was finished, there was some sort of a feeling like a burden on his back was being lifted off of him, but not completely. It still felt heavy, and Ruki knew just why... He still had to show this to the rest of the guys, he had to face their judgment and he had to suffer their comments. Wait... It wasn't like they were going to comment, was it? It wasn't like they didn't know it for themselves what had happened and what might've inspired Ruki to write this kind of lyric...
Well, the point was, now that the lyric was done, he had to show it to them.
For once after a long time, Ruki felt very, very nervous about showing his lyrics to anyone else, even his band mates. It felt just like his first time all over again, which was years ago, the first time ever he had showed his writing to his friends. Back then, the tension was so thick that he almost suffered the urge to cover his face with his hands, praying with all of his heart that his friends wouldn't laugh or say anything discouraging about it... Which thankfully, they hadn't.
The feeling was nerve-wrecking... but he couldn't just sit here all day long, staring at that damn paper, wishing for the rest of the band to pop in through the door and coincidentally see it laying there on the table.
He couldn't tell Aoi or Uruha or even Kai since they were in the studio right now. This was supposed to be Aoi and Uruha's combi-guitars session for the recording, and should it be something perfectly casual in earlier times, it wasn't casual whatsoever now. Kai hadn't had any business in there since his rhythm parts had been done a couple of days ago, but Ruki supposed he was just trying to be the leader that he was appointed to be, trying to prevent anything bad from happening, that although last night's meeting had brought a good result, there were still possibilities. Kai's presence could be an ice-breaker between the two, because everybody knew that there was no way Aoi and Uruha could be close friends again in just one night, no matter what had happened or what they had spoken about in the meeting room.
A soft sound was heard from somewhere inside the room, making Ruki turn his sight to the side, spotting his blonde friend sitting on the long couch. Funny that he had only realized these faint melodies coming from that blonde as he was leisurely plucking his bass strings. Unplugged, it sounded really awkward, dull and choked. But Ruki could still recognize the melodies coming from a familiar song, one of their songs, actually. Ruki just didn't want to bother remembering what song it was.
Ah, well. Ruki supposed that whatever state he was in, good or bad, he always had a person to confide in. And that person would be him: Reita.
He could just show him this lyric, ask Reita for his opinion before he handed it to the rest of the band. And whenever Reita decided to laugh at it, Ruki could just punch his pretty little nose, give him even more reasons to cover it with his stupid nose-band. And he deserved it, too, after how he had yelled at Ruki last night -- not that Ruki was a grudgeful person, no. Well. Not all the time.
Anyways, Ruki didn't really have a choice. Here they were, excluded from everyone else, Reita having already finished his bass parts in the record and Ruki... well, Ruki having NOT yet done any of his vocal parts... This was probably Heaven's way of poking his shoulder, flailing the chance in front of his nose.
So he got up from the chair, grabbed the paper and strutted his way across the room towards the couch.
"Hey," Ruki mumbled, didn't understand how he could ever make a sound like a mouse caught in a trap.
The bassist lifted his head, pausing on his random-bass-playing, looking quite surprised to see Ruki there. There was a swift but noticeable change on his face from slight confusion to a friendly smile. "Hey," he replied, finally, setting aside his black and white bass carefully, giving room for Ruki to sit beside him.
"Um... Are you busy?"
Stupid question, Ruki. Honestly... He could've done a better greeting than that. Shifting nervously right beside his friend, Ruki tried his best to gather up some composure (which was a hard thing to do, at the moment, he wondered why...).
"No, what is it?" Reita answered, still stretching his smile.
"Nothing, it's just that... Um..." Ruki didn't continue, but he looked down on his hand where he was clutching the piece of paper.
He glanced up at Reita after that, he could see that Reita understood what he was trying to imply. Nothing came out of Reita's mouth when he took the piece of paper from Ruki's hand, and for this, Ruki was thankful. Lowering his sight, this time onto his knees, Ruki sat in silence while Reita read what was written on the paper. His heart was beating fast, Ruki didn't really understand why... There was just that sickening feeling that was filling him from his stomach up to his throat, it's irritating how he couldn't get rid of it, no matter what suggestion he kept telling himself.
For the next couple of minutes, Ruki couldn't stop wondering what a serious reader Reita could be and how come he had never noticed it before. To know how Reita behaved in his daily life, one would say that it was quite a contrast to look at how calm he was right now, eyes focused on nowhere else but the writing on the paper. He didn't even say one god damned stupid joke like he had always managed in a lot of other situations, and this was quite scary, in some way.
It was right when Ruki was so deeply fascinated by Reita's serious expression that suddenly the bassist lifted his face. A little shocked, Ruki stuttered, "W-well?"
Reita smiled, there was something very comforting in that smile that Ruki was relieved a small bit from his nervousness. "You want to know what I think about this?" he asked, the piece of paper was lifted in his right hand, an adverbial act to his question.
Ruki nodded.
"Okay..." Reita breathed before he spoke, "Well, first, I think that this is very poetic. I mean... even more poetic than usual. You used really amazing words here, and the title, Chizuru. I'd rather think it's catchy, but I suppose you had meant it to be? I think people are going to be curious just by hearing the title, which is a good thing. Chizuru, based on the title only, it gives me an impression that you are dedicating this song as a prayer for someone very special... Like you are making a 'get well soon' wish for that someone by folding up a thousand cranes."
Reita let out a sigh as he leaned back, taking a good look on the paper as if examining it carefully, sorting out just what to comment about it.
"You know, you're sleek, Ruki. I mean... The very first time people read this, they are almost certainly going to think that this is simply an unhappy love song like you'd usually write, while it really isn't. There're so many things in this lyric, and you've made it hard for anyone to understand what was it really that you're trying to say here. I... I honestly don't really know where to start. But you've asked, and you know I can't resist you, so I'll do my best." Reita coughed lightly, one of his hands came up to his chin and stuck there in a thoughtful manner, "For me, personally, when I read it, I thought that... Well, I thought about a lot of things," Reita paused, giggling very slightly while he looked at Ruki, "Man... You know I'm terrible at this, so try not to laugh in the middle of it, okay?"
Ruki nodded again. Likewise, he hoped Reita wouldn't laugh to his lyric too.
"Okay. So... Basically, the impression that I got from this lyric... was that it's about repentant. I think that it's about regretting the past, it's about mourning for things that you wish wouldn't happen but are still happening no matter what you do to try to stop them. It's probably about you regretting a certain meeting, but later on, you're also feeling sorry for the parting. It's like... you being in a state where you really want to move forward, but there is a part of you that is always going to look back, and you do keep looking back... although you're hurt by what you see behind you.
"But then, despite the immense sad emotion that you expressed pretty deeply in the first lines, in the end you sounded hopeful. You're hoping for the best, and that's probably what those thousand cranes are for, they are the symbol of your hopes. These hopes aren't just for one particular person, but more generally for all the people and things around you... You want everything to get better, although to reach that point, you know you have to go through the ugly and the rough first," A dreamy gaze glimmered in the bassist's eyes, "We all know just how ugly and rough things had been, ne?"
Ruki smiled sadly, approving.
"This last line, Ru... 'two people that can't be one.' Do you regret it that much...?" Reita wondered out loud, "You just seemed like you were wishing you had never met him at all."
"No..." Ruki shook his head this time, "No, I don't regret that at all. I was just trying to say..." Tongue-tied, where did all of his reasons go all of a sudden?? Ruki coughed, thinking that the method might be useful to get himself through the brain-jam.
"Me and him..." he said, then, "Well, you know how fucked up things were between us, I hurt him and he hurt me. It was sad how things came to that point... Sadder because I knew it was going to be messy somewhere along the way, yet I've done nothing to prevent the bad from becoming worse. I've never loved him the way he deserves to be loved, Reita, that was what I regret the most. I didn't regret the relationship itself because I actually loved it, I loved how things flowed in the beginning, I loved the feeling of being loved by him. But I've lied when I told him I loved him... That was the worst part I wish I could erase, but I know I couldn't."
Reita made a soft 'ah' and a nod to state that he comprehended.
"Well, when I wrote this," Ruki said, fiddling with his words carefully, "All I kept thinking was what he had written on that last page of the tabs. Now, I maybe a little too self-conscious to think that he had written those for me, but nevertheless they'd made me think, they'd made me introspect, and in the end see myself in a better light. Those paragraphs, those words, I felt like I was reading a letter from him, him who was telling me about an event which I had seen for myself, only this time it was presented to me in a completely different point of view. It's sometimes shocking right to the point that it makes you stop and ponder, when you find out that there are more to a story than your own version of it." A pause, Ruki sighed before continuing, "Those words reminded me of how wrong I had been to hurt people that I loved, to lie to them, but yet they also told me how I had been so misguided as to think that I deserved to be hurt to pay for my mistakes. This is what you've told me, a whole lot of times, over and over again."
Ruki didn't know if his explanation made sense in anyways at all, but then he saw Reita nod a couple of times.
"Maybe it's the fact that Uruha is in the same boat as I am, maybe it's the pain that we inflicted on each other," Ruki continued, "To have that knowledge in mind, it is probably best to have him telling these things straight to me. It hadn't worked when you tried talking to me, forcing me to believe it even, it is probably because I couldn't see you as someone who understood this sort of situation or the pain I was going through. I couldn't see you as someone 'involved', if you know what I mean."
"I understand, and yeah..." Reita sighed, "I didn't exactly know what you or Uruha felt, but yet I kept thinking that I could offer you two a way out or something. I was probably driven by my own fear, fear of how this matter was going to jeopardize the band which, from my point of view back then, was where the situation was clearly leading us. Before I knew it I had started looking at matters and judging without asking people's opinion."
Ruki stared at his friend with intent fascination, hadn't been thinking much about how everybody could feel misplaced in the same time, especially Reita. He understood how his actions had caused insecurity amongst his bandmates, but he had only known now just how immense the worry was. Of course it was scary to stand aside and watch something you loved so much being ruined to pieces, you wanted it so badly to stop the decay but yet you had no idea of where to start fixing things.
"If I think about it now... Oh man. I was probably even more stubborn that you were. Me and my prying ass..." Reita giggled softly.
Ruki sighed, letting the tension slip away alongside the breath coming out of his lungs. And then he responded Reita with almost identical giggle, "Some attractive ass, I might add."
The bassist's eyes blinked a couple of times before he seemed to understand the jest. "Now... Don't tease, Ruki, Sweety," Reita said, grinning, "These ass are taken."
"Oh, really??" Ruki laughed, "And I thought he was the--"
"Stop it right there or it's my fist on your pretty face, Ru," Reita glared daggers at Ruki, stopping the 'ass' joke right then and there. Well, he brought it to himself now, didn't he? Ruki just couldn't help to be extremely amused, seeing some rosy colors blooming on Reita's uncovered face. He could bet Reita was now regretting his own slip.
"You've got so many things you have to tell me, you know that?" Ruki said, still giggling somewhat.
"Like hell I'll tell you," the bassist grinned, "My private life is my private life, Ru."
"I have my ways to pull out answers from you, Rei-chan, you'll be spilling out dirty little facts that have been happening between you and Kai-kun in no time, believe me. Ooh... I can't wait to find out just how you two--"
"SHUT UP!" With a quick plunge towards Ruki, the bassist's hand landed on Ruki's laughing mouth, pushing him over the couch until Ruki's back was down against the cushions, Reita leaning on top of him. "Shut up or I'll kill you, Ru," Reita threatened one more time, but there was nothing dangerous in the glow of his eyes, and the fact that he was giggling as well only made Ruki all the more amused.
Ruki nodded, though, air was getting precious and he could barely breathe it in with Reita's hand over his mouth and nose.
"Asshole," Reita backed away, finally, leaving Ruki panting for air, still lying on the couch. "Annoying little asshole," Reita shook his head, but Ruki only laughed aloud at the sight of his blushing face.
"Oh stop laughing, will you?" Reita sighed, almost begging, but Ruki just couldn't do what he asked. He kept on laughing, harder even, holding his stomach that was threatening to burst. Reita gave up too after a while, and softly he giggled along Ruki. Still spitting out a few more curses towards Ruki, but yeah, he was laughing. For Ruki, this was probably the best laugh that he had had for a long time...
A few minutes passed with Ruki trying to get his breathing even and Reita grinning like an idiot. Ruki looked up at Reita and felt a great wave of relief washing over him, the bassist's eyes glowed somewhat soothingly, remedying the remaining of the scars that were left there in his heart. They wouldn't be healed completely, he knew that, but just being here in the presence of his beloved brother, laughing at each other's asses like they were both mad, Ruki had a a very good feeling inside his chest. The future was coming with all its courses, the ups and the downs, and he was here facing forward. It seemed scary in the beginning, but when things started moving on, Ruki knew everything was going to be alright. He knew he didn't have to be afraid or insecure anymore. Well... at least now he could hope.
"Okay," Ruki exhaled, "So what do you think about it?"
Reita furrowed his brows together, "About what? Me and Kai? Well we--"
"The lyric, you love-sick-moron!" Ruki laughed again when Reita gasped, coming to realization he seemed, and the blush on his cheeks immediately became so much deeper. That was twice he made a slip, Ruki was certain it wasn't going to be the last. Quite amused with the thought, Ruki laughed none-so-mercifully, and suddenly the bassist's fingers stabbed onto Ruki's stomach, tickling him, making him squirm madly against the cushions. He tried kicking and punching, but Reita was bigger than him, it was really easy for him to pin Ruki down on the couch. Those fingers wouldn't stop torturing him, making Ruki scream - half laughing, and it was only when he begged for Reita to stop did Reita stop.
Reita's glare kept Ruki biting his lip so he wouldn't burst out laughing or muttering out another teasing comment, it was really hard for Ruki but he suppressed the urge. "Okay... Okay... No, I won't laugh again, I swear!" he panted, arms over his torso as an attempt to block Reita's fingers from tickling him again, "Now tell me, the lyrics... what do you think about it?"
It was what he had come to Reita for, it was what he needed to be able to muster up some courage and face his bandmates bringing this lyric along. There was still doubt in his heart that he knew only his best friend's words could relieve, he needed Reita to take up that spot for now.
Reita shrugged before he spoke, "You know, it's funny that you needed my opinion in the first place. I mean, me, from all the people in the world? What do I know about lyrics? I couldn't even write a decent poem back in school. I told you this and that but it's only my opinion, my impression of it, not from a professional side whatsoever..." he sighed, "I'll sum it up, then: it's beautiful, Ru. And the fact that it is very emotional makes it all the more beautiful. If you're having second thoughts about showing this to the rest of the guys... Drop it, Ru," A smile grew on his lips when he shoved the paper back into Ruki's hand, "Take this and show it to them. I seriously think they'd love it."
=====
previous chapters and other titles
Chapter: 24/25
Author: chuu ( akichuu)
Fandom: JRock, Gazette
Pairings: AoiXRuki. ReitaXKai
Overall Rating: NC-17
Genre: Smut. But it's sort of fluffy at some parts. Watch for some angst too.
Warnings: ManXMan sex scenes, language--just sometimes, over-exaggerated romance scenes. Un-beta-ed mistakes.
Summary: ... The feeling was nerve-wrecking... But he couldn't just sit here all day long, staring at that damn paper, wishing for the rest of the band to pop in through the door and coincidentally see it laying there on the table...
Comments: Yes it's gonna end at 25 *cries* But for your information, chapter 25 is split into two parts since I've made it too long for one... I won't say much for this chapter but just: read it.
- 24 -
"He what...?" Ruki mumbled blearily, laying in the bed where everything felt so soft and warm, curling his body under the thick blanket that was just perfectly sheltering him from the cold November beyond the window... Somehow, the imagery of heaven had just shifted in Ruki's mind, because he thought there was just no other place better than here and now, it felt like this place might as well be heaven afterall. For the last half an hour he had already closed his eyes, feeling so very compelled to give up to his sleepiness and just... fly away. Everything was just as wonderful as it was in a dreamland that he thought he could actually do that, fly away. It was altogether amazing; the feeling of being inside Aoi's arms, breathing his scent, feeling like, for once after a very long time, there was absolutely no doubt and no fear hanging inside his conscience. It didn't surprise him when the thought suddenly occured to him: he could just live like this forever and die happy.
The serenity was wrecked but not at all in a bad way when Aoi shuffled his hand through Ruki's hair, Ruki didn't find himself complaining because it felt just as good, having to feel like he was a baby being lulled to sleep. "He slapped me," Aoi answered with a low giggle that rumbled in his chest, right against Ruki's cheek, "He slapped me, but I asked him to do it."
Aoi had been trying to tell Ruki what had happened between him and Uruha in the meeting room just a few hours ago, Aoi had tried making the story fit its true chronology but so far it wasn't even close. He kept jumping from one point to another, and he would return to a part where he forgot about some detail, and then he'd jump to some other point which wasn't even linked to the previous one, and it was just like that over and over again. Ruki didn't complain, though. He knew it was the best that Aoi could do, being as sleepy and tired as he obviously was at the moment. Jumbled as the story seemed to be, Ruki could still get the grand idea.
"Where?" Ruki lifted his head lazily, looking at Aoi to check if there were marks of the mentioned violence on his face.
Aoi grinned, pointing his left cheek with one finger. "Here, but he didn't do it hard," he answered.
Ruki leaned down and placed a soft kiss at where Aoi had just pointed, rubbing his thumb on the skin afterward. "There..." he sighed, smiling as he leaned back down on the pillow, warmth crawling into his chest as he saw Aoi smiling too.
"Was that supposed to be some sort of a healing kiss?" Aoi giggled.
"You tell me," Ruki replied, "Does it feel better now?"
Letting out a purr from his throat, Ruki slid just slightly against the sheet when Aoi pulled him on his waist, gently taking Ruki into his hold again. Aoi hadn't said anything yet, but there was really no answer needed because in Aoi's eyes Ruki could see just how much better he felt already. The reason... Well. It might just be the same reason why Ruki felt so very good right now.
"It feels so much better, Baby," Aoi mumbled, placing a soft kiss on Ruki's lips, "But honestly, I felt nothing but good after he slapped me. What feeling was it... Relieved? I guess it's something like that. I was expecting I'd be a little offended, but no, in the contrary, I felt thankful that he'd done it. I probably needed it, you know, being blamed and all. Receiving people's anger." Aoi chuckled softly, "To remember that I actually got upset when you were craving for the blame, I just have to laugh at myself right now..." A sigh left his mouth, "You're right, Baby, all along. Sometimes it's just better to accept our mistake and live with it than to try to forget."
Nuzzling his face onto Aoi's neck, Ruki was silently agreeing to Aoi's words because, just like himself, Aoi might just need to be placed in that position, sitting with a guilty stamp across his head. He needed the punishment, the blaming and that bit of anger. To have everyone keeping it for themselves had actually been more of a torture than a chance to heal, it was like having the endless uncertainty of what was going to happen. Was it going to be over soon or was there more that they had to deal with. Was he supposed to stay quiet or was it better for him to start yelling out his frustration. It was like spending every single day in constant questioning, but there was no one offering him a decent answer, not one.
They all needed to be placed in that spot, once in a while, for their own sake. Well, Ruki knew he needed it. Not that he didn't appreciate Reita's opinion about him, and Reita was a sweet friend to have thought that much about Ruki, to care so much and to stay around when Ruki needed someone to talk to. Ruki understood that all Reita had been trying to do was to prevent him from getting hurt even worse. Every time they got involved in the same argument, the same topic, over and over again, Ruki kept thinking just why the hell their logics couldn't fit in together. But now he knew that Reita just didn't understand what it was like to be in this position, that even if pity or compassion was a good thing, condemnation was probably a better thing sometimes.
'You make mistakes, you apologize, you get forgiveness and you move on.'
But there was one important part that Reita had forgotten to mention, and that would be 'you get blamed' somewhere between making mistakes and apologizing. That part was also crucial because without being pointed at, a man could become too blind and too lost to know what to apologize for, or was he even guilty in the first place.
The cycle was almost completed and now, all that they had to do was to move on. It sounded easy and simple, but to take that step forward would need their cooperation, their full determination as a band, as a family. Before tonight, Ruki had thought that it was impossible to do, but now... even if it was shakily, clumsily, Ruki knew the five of them could hold hands again, together showing the world just how undefeatable they really were.
It was only then that Ruki realized, the room seemed to have paused and the clock had stopped ticking and silence was thick, enveloping him in a comfortable way. Aoi's story didn't seem like it's going further from where it had stopped, Ruki knew it from the steady breathing, the even movements of Aoi's chest: he was deeply asleep already. With a smile curling on his lips, Ruki decided that it was time for him to call it for tonight as well, clinging tightly to his loved one, closing his eyes and deep inside knowing... he was going to have a very beautiful dream tonight.
~
This was probably the quickest he had ever done finishing the whole lyrics for one song, but to think of how long it was exactly the length of time stretched between the moment he had been handed the tabs and the moment he had scribbled the first word to it, it was actually the longest time he had ever needed. Before he sat down on this chair, facing the tabs in front of him with a piece of paper and a pen, Ruki had doubted he would have it done in any time today. But once he had started writing, he couldn't stop, everything flowed out of him like it had been contained for so long, just waiting for its time to emerge. He wrote and he wrote, and before he knew it, five minutes had passed and the song was finally completed with its lyrics.
Uruha's words on the last page of the tabs definitely held a big part throughout the process of writing, and Ruki had tried his best not to eliminate their importance, thinking that it would be unfair to deprive the song with its essential meaning. There was a purpose, an expression in every single thing Uruha had written that Ruki didn't want to shut away--couldn't shut away, more appropriately. There was honesty in those words, a prayer in each paragraph. There was hope for the future and this was what Ruki was trying to depict in his set of words. Un-rhymed as it may be in the end, unbelievably sappy it turned out for Ruki, this was the result of the many days of confusion, of pain, and of the unbearable tension.
Once it was finished, there was some sort of a feeling like a burden on his back was being lifted off of him, but not completely. It still felt heavy, and Ruki knew just why... He still had to show this to the rest of the guys, he had to face their judgment and he had to suffer their comments. Wait... It wasn't like they were going to comment, was it? It wasn't like they didn't know it for themselves what had happened and what might've inspired Ruki to write this kind of lyric...
Well, the point was, now that the lyric was done, he had to show it to them.
For once after a long time, Ruki felt very, very nervous about showing his lyrics to anyone else, even his band mates. It felt just like his first time all over again, which was years ago, the first time ever he had showed his writing to his friends. Back then, the tension was so thick that he almost suffered the urge to cover his face with his hands, praying with all of his heart that his friends wouldn't laugh or say anything discouraging about it... Which thankfully, they hadn't.
The feeling was nerve-wrecking... but he couldn't just sit here all day long, staring at that damn paper, wishing for the rest of the band to pop in through the door and coincidentally see it laying there on the table.
He couldn't tell Aoi or Uruha or even Kai since they were in the studio right now. This was supposed to be Aoi and Uruha's combi-guitars session for the recording, and should it be something perfectly casual in earlier times, it wasn't casual whatsoever now. Kai hadn't had any business in there since his rhythm parts had been done a couple of days ago, but Ruki supposed he was just trying to be the leader that he was appointed to be, trying to prevent anything bad from happening, that although last night's meeting had brought a good result, there were still possibilities. Kai's presence could be an ice-breaker between the two, because everybody knew that there was no way Aoi and Uruha could be close friends again in just one night, no matter what had happened or what they had spoken about in the meeting room.
A soft sound was heard from somewhere inside the room, making Ruki turn his sight to the side, spotting his blonde friend sitting on the long couch. Funny that he had only realized these faint melodies coming from that blonde as he was leisurely plucking his bass strings. Unplugged, it sounded really awkward, dull and choked. But Ruki could still recognize the melodies coming from a familiar song, one of their songs, actually. Ruki just didn't want to bother remembering what song it was.
Ah, well. Ruki supposed that whatever state he was in, good or bad, he always had a person to confide in. And that person would be him: Reita.
He could just show him this lyric, ask Reita for his opinion before he handed it to the rest of the band. And whenever Reita decided to laugh at it, Ruki could just punch his pretty little nose, give him even more reasons to cover it with his stupid nose-band. And he deserved it, too, after how he had yelled at Ruki last night -- not that Ruki was a grudgeful person, no. Well. Not all the time.
Anyways, Ruki didn't really have a choice. Here they were, excluded from everyone else, Reita having already finished his bass parts in the record and Ruki... well, Ruki having NOT yet done any of his vocal parts... This was probably Heaven's way of poking his shoulder, flailing the chance in front of his nose.
So he got up from the chair, grabbed the paper and strutted his way across the room towards the couch.
"Hey," Ruki mumbled, didn't understand how he could ever make a sound like a mouse caught in a trap.
The bassist lifted his head, pausing on his random-bass-playing, looking quite surprised to see Ruki there. There was a swift but noticeable change on his face from slight confusion to a friendly smile. "Hey," he replied, finally, setting aside his black and white bass carefully, giving room for Ruki to sit beside him.
"Um... Are you busy?"
Stupid question, Ruki. Honestly... He could've done a better greeting than that. Shifting nervously right beside his friend, Ruki tried his best to gather up some composure (which was a hard thing to do, at the moment, he wondered why...).
"No, what is it?" Reita answered, still stretching his smile.
"Nothing, it's just that... Um..." Ruki didn't continue, but he looked down on his hand where he was clutching the piece of paper.
He glanced up at Reita after that, he could see that Reita understood what he was trying to imply. Nothing came out of Reita's mouth when he took the piece of paper from Ruki's hand, and for this, Ruki was thankful. Lowering his sight, this time onto his knees, Ruki sat in silence while Reita read what was written on the paper. His heart was beating fast, Ruki didn't really understand why... There was just that sickening feeling that was filling him from his stomach up to his throat, it's irritating how he couldn't get rid of it, no matter what suggestion he kept telling himself.
For the next couple of minutes, Ruki couldn't stop wondering what a serious reader Reita could be and how come he had never noticed it before. To know how Reita behaved in his daily life, one would say that it was quite a contrast to look at how calm he was right now, eyes focused on nowhere else but the writing on the paper. He didn't even say one god damned stupid joke like he had always managed in a lot of other situations, and this was quite scary, in some way.
It was right when Ruki was so deeply fascinated by Reita's serious expression that suddenly the bassist lifted his face. A little shocked, Ruki stuttered, "W-well?"
Reita smiled, there was something very comforting in that smile that Ruki was relieved a small bit from his nervousness. "You want to know what I think about this?" he asked, the piece of paper was lifted in his right hand, an adverbial act to his question.
Ruki nodded.
"Okay..." Reita breathed before he spoke, "Well, first, I think that this is very poetic. I mean... even more poetic than usual. You used really amazing words here, and the title, Chizuru. I'd rather think it's catchy, but I suppose you had meant it to be? I think people are going to be curious just by hearing the title, which is a good thing. Chizuru, based on the title only, it gives me an impression that you are dedicating this song as a prayer for someone very special... Like you are making a 'get well soon' wish for that someone by folding up a thousand cranes."
Reita let out a sigh as he leaned back, taking a good look on the paper as if examining it carefully, sorting out just what to comment about it.
"You know, you're sleek, Ruki. I mean... The very first time people read this, they are almost certainly going to think that this is simply an unhappy love song like you'd usually write, while it really isn't. There're so many things in this lyric, and you've made it hard for anyone to understand what was it really that you're trying to say here. I... I honestly don't really know where to start. But you've asked, and you know I can't resist you, so I'll do my best." Reita coughed lightly, one of his hands came up to his chin and stuck there in a thoughtful manner, "For me, personally, when I read it, I thought that... Well, I thought about a lot of things," Reita paused, giggling very slightly while he looked at Ruki, "Man... You know I'm terrible at this, so try not to laugh in the middle of it, okay?"
Ruki nodded again. Likewise, he hoped Reita wouldn't laugh to his lyric too.
"Okay. So... Basically, the impression that I got from this lyric... was that it's about repentant. I think that it's about regretting the past, it's about mourning for things that you wish wouldn't happen but are still happening no matter what you do to try to stop them. It's probably about you regretting a certain meeting, but later on, you're also feeling sorry for the parting. It's like... you being in a state where you really want to move forward, but there is a part of you that is always going to look back, and you do keep looking back... although you're hurt by what you see behind you.
"But then, despite the immense sad emotion that you expressed pretty deeply in the first lines, in the end you sounded hopeful. You're hoping for the best, and that's probably what those thousand cranes are for, they are the symbol of your hopes. These hopes aren't just for one particular person, but more generally for all the people and things around you... You want everything to get better, although to reach that point, you know you have to go through the ugly and the rough first," A dreamy gaze glimmered in the bassist's eyes, "We all know just how ugly and rough things had been, ne?"
Ruki smiled sadly, approving.
"This last line, Ru... 'two people that can't be one.' Do you regret it that much...?" Reita wondered out loud, "You just seemed like you were wishing you had never met him at all."
"No..." Ruki shook his head this time, "No, I don't regret that at all. I was just trying to say..." Tongue-tied, where did all of his reasons go all of a sudden?? Ruki coughed, thinking that the method might be useful to get himself through the brain-jam.
"Me and him..." he said, then, "Well, you know how fucked up things were between us, I hurt him and he hurt me. It was sad how things came to that point... Sadder because I knew it was going to be messy somewhere along the way, yet I've done nothing to prevent the bad from becoming worse. I've never loved him the way he deserves to be loved, Reita, that was what I regret the most. I didn't regret the relationship itself because I actually loved it, I loved how things flowed in the beginning, I loved the feeling of being loved by him. But I've lied when I told him I loved him... That was the worst part I wish I could erase, but I know I couldn't."
Reita made a soft 'ah' and a nod to state that he comprehended.
"Well, when I wrote this," Ruki said, fiddling with his words carefully, "All I kept thinking was what he had written on that last page of the tabs. Now, I maybe a little too self-conscious to think that he had written those for me, but nevertheless they'd made me think, they'd made me introspect, and in the end see myself in a better light. Those paragraphs, those words, I felt like I was reading a letter from him, him who was telling me about an event which I had seen for myself, only this time it was presented to me in a completely different point of view. It's sometimes shocking right to the point that it makes you stop and ponder, when you find out that there are more to a story than your own version of it." A pause, Ruki sighed before continuing, "Those words reminded me of how wrong I had been to hurt people that I loved, to lie to them, but yet they also told me how I had been so misguided as to think that I deserved to be hurt to pay for my mistakes. This is what you've told me, a whole lot of times, over and over again."
Ruki didn't know if his explanation made sense in anyways at all, but then he saw Reita nod a couple of times.
"Maybe it's the fact that Uruha is in the same boat as I am, maybe it's the pain that we inflicted on each other," Ruki continued, "To have that knowledge in mind, it is probably best to have him telling these things straight to me. It hadn't worked when you tried talking to me, forcing me to believe it even, it is probably because I couldn't see you as someone who understood this sort of situation or the pain I was going through. I couldn't see you as someone 'involved', if you know what I mean."
"I understand, and yeah..." Reita sighed, "I didn't exactly know what you or Uruha felt, but yet I kept thinking that I could offer you two a way out or something. I was probably driven by my own fear, fear of how this matter was going to jeopardize the band which, from my point of view back then, was where the situation was clearly leading us. Before I knew it I had started looking at matters and judging without asking people's opinion."
Ruki stared at his friend with intent fascination, hadn't been thinking much about how everybody could feel misplaced in the same time, especially Reita. He understood how his actions had caused insecurity amongst his bandmates, but he had only known now just how immense the worry was. Of course it was scary to stand aside and watch something you loved so much being ruined to pieces, you wanted it so badly to stop the decay but yet you had no idea of where to start fixing things.
"If I think about it now... Oh man. I was probably even more stubborn that you were. Me and my prying ass..." Reita giggled softly.
Ruki sighed, letting the tension slip away alongside the breath coming out of his lungs. And then he responded Reita with almost identical giggle, "Some attractive ass, I might add."
The bassist's eyes blinked a couple of times before he seemed to understand the jest. "Now... Don't tease, Ruki, Sweety," Reita said, grinning, "These ass are taken."
"Oh, really??" Ruki laughed, "And I thought he was the--"
"Stop it right there or it's my fist on your pretty face, Ru," Reita glared daggers at Ruki, stopping the 'ass' joke right then and there. Well, he brought it to himself now, didn't he? Ruki just couldn't help to be extremely amused, seeing some rosy colors blooming on Reita's uncovered face. He could bet Reita was now regretting his own slip.
"You've got so many things you have to tell me, you know that?" Ruki said, still giggling somewhat.
"Like hell I'll tell you," the bassist grinned, "My private life is my private life, Ru."
"I have my ways to pull out answers from you, Rei-chan, you'll be spilling out dirty little facts that have been happening between you and Kai-kun in no time, believe me. Ooh... I can't wait to find out just how you two--"
"SHUT UP!" With a quick plunge towards Ruki, the bassist's hand landed on Ruki's laughing mouth, pushing him over the couch until Ruki's back was down against the cushions, Reita leaning on top of him. "Shut up or I'll kill you, Ru," Reita threatened one more time, but there was nothing dangerous in the glow of his eyes, and the fact that he was giggling as well only made Ruki all the more amused.
Ruki nodded, though, air was getting precious and he could barely breathe it in with Reita's hand over his mouth and nose.
"Asshole," Reita backed away, finally, leaving Ruki panting for air, still lying on the couch. "Annoying little asshole," Reita shook his head, but Ruki only laughed aloud at the sight of his blushing face.
"Oh stop laughing, will you?" Reita sighed, almost begging, but Ruki just couldn't do what he asked. He kept on laughing, harder even, holding his stomach that was threatening to burst. Reita gave up too after a while, and softly he giggled along Ruki. Still spitting out a few more curses towards Ruki, but yeah, he was laughing. For Ruki, this was probably the best laugh that he had had for a long time...
A few minutes passed with Ruki trying to get his breathing even and Reita grinning like an idiot. Ruki looked up at Reita and felt a great wave of relief washing over him, the bassist's eyes glowed somewhat soothingly, remedying the remaining of the scars that were left there in his heart. They wouldn't be healed completely, he knew that, but just being here in the presence of his beloved brother, laughing at each other's asses like they were both mad, Ruki had a a very good feeling inside his chest. The future was coming with all its courses, the ups and the downs, and he was here facing forward. It seemed scary in the beginning, but when things started moving on, Ruki knew everything was going to be alright. He knew he didn't have to be afraid or insecure anymore. Well... at least now he could hope.
"Okay," Ruki exhaled, "So what do you think about it?"
Reita furrowed his brows together, "About what? Me and Kai? Well we--"
"The lyric, you love-sick-moron!" Ruki laughed again when Reita gasped, coming to realization he seemed, and the blush on his cheeks immediately became so much deeper. That was twice he made a slip, Ruki was certain it wasn't going to be the last. Quite amused with the thought, Ruki laughed none-so-mercifully, and suddenly the bassist's fingers stabbed onto Ruki's stomach, tickling him, making him squirm madly against the cushions. He tried kicking and punching, but Reita was bigger than him, it was really easy for him to pin Ruki down on the couch. Those fingers wouldn't stop torturing him, making Ruki scream - half laughing, and it was only when he begged for Reita to stop did Reita stop.
Reita's glare kept Ruki biting his lip so he wouldn't burst out laughing or muttering out another teasing comment, it was really hard for Ruki but he suppressed the urge. "Okay... Okay... No, I won't laugh again, I swear!" he panted, arms over his torso as an attempt to block Reita's fingers from tickling him again, "Now tell me, the lyrics... what do you think about it?"
It was what he had come to Reita for, it was what he needed to be able to muster up some courage and face his bandmates bringing this lyric along. There was still doubt in his heart that he knew only his best friend's words could relieve, he needed Reita to take up that spot for now.
Reita shrugged before he spoke, "You know, it's funny that you needed my opinion in the first place. I mean, me, from all the people in the world? What do I know about lyrics? I couldn't even write a decent poem back in school. I told you this and that but it's only my opinion, my impression of it, not from a professional side whatsoever..." he sighed, "I'll sum it up, then: it's beautiful, Ru. And the fact that it is very emotional makes it all the more beautiful. If you're having second thoughts about showing this to the rest of the guys... Drop it, Ru," A smile grew on his lips when he shoved the paper back into Ruki's hand, "Take this and show it to them. I seriously think they'd love it."
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