Yomenai Kotoba 22/?? - AoiXRuki, ReitaXKai
Title: Yomenai Kotoba
Chapter: 22/??
Author: chuu ( akichuu)
Fandom: JRock, Gazette
Pairings: AoiXRuki. ReitaXKai
Overall Rating: NC-17
Genre: Smut. But it's sort of fluffy at some parts. Watch for some angst too.
Warnings: ManXMan sex scenes, language--just sometimes, over-exaggerated romance scenes. Un-beta-ed mistakes.
Summary: "...If this is your way of 'prioritizing the band', then fuck it, Aoi! We might as well get a new guitarist!"
Comments: Nice~ This didn't take to long now, did it?? Read yo!
- 22 -
Funny that the idea that occured in his thought right at the moment wasn't exactly a pleasant one, although it seemed that he was actually having the one thing he had been dreaming of lately: the band sitting together in harmony. Well. At the moment, they were sitting together, the fact was that the five of them altogether were now circling the meeting table, and it appeared that this was exactly what they had needed to do all of this time. But it seemed that harmony... Well. Harmony was probably left out in the sentence, or somewhere along the way. It was definitely not here in this room.
The silence in the air was almost sickening it made him want to puke. But even if he deemed for a conversation, he couldn't even think of how to start one. He would normally be 'the kid who didn't know how to shut up' at some other times, better times, he could start talking about the most unimportant things in the world and the rest of them would comment or simply complain about whatever topic he had picked up. But now... Someone - or something - had sealed that kid deep inside of him, making sure it cower away at a corner, leaving him blank. All that he could do was to wish, quietly, for someone else to start. Anyone. Anyone at all who might had a topic. Some comments on the weather were probably better - although stupid - than this silence...
"Okay, that's it,"
And finally, it was Kai who cracked up first. It wasn't so surprising, and Ruki was already half-expecting him to rise up first from his seat. Ruki's gaze followed their leader standing up a little too rushedly from his chair, was very lucky not to have knocked his chair down. Ruki could see how his face looked so agitated and it wasn't a comforting sight. Ruki knew the kind of person that Kai was, and it was only Kai's nature to be the first to take over a situation once something started to fuck up. Stage performances, the band's schedule, their daily lives. Anything at all Kai could lay his hands on. It was troublesome to be in his position, Ruki knew that, but it was rare that he would see Kai showing this kind of face he was showing now... No. It was always that full-of-smile Kai, all the way, even through what Ruki had thought of being the worst.
The leader's slender figure made its way around the table, walking with his arms folded on his chest. He had his gaze down on the floor, and even if Ruki didn't have a full glimpse on Kai's face, he knew he recognized that look on Kai. Ruki remembered back then when he got so sick right before a live and it was impossible for him to get up and sing unless he wanted to spend the rest of the month being treated in the hospital. Kai's face back then had been the same as it was now... Grave, thoughtful, he looked like he was ten years older than he really was. It was as if the sun had stopped shining and the rainclouds gathered together, darkening the whole skies. Keeping silent, everybody else in the room knew there was a storm coming up.
"Five days," Kai started, repeating the information Aoi had just passed to them a few hours ago, "That's all we've got, guys. And I'll cut the crap because we've run out of time for anymore of that. We still have two songs to complete. Now, I don't know how we've become so lame that we need almost two whole months just to finish two songs. I know Uruha's song has been recorded, but it still needs Aoi's tracks. And the lyrics... Well unless you want to release a background theme song it's going to have its words, soon."
Although he didn't see Kai's face when he was talking, having his head down eyes upon his lap, Ruki could actually feel Kai's eyes piercing right through him. He could feel Kai's demand in that glare, and yeah, he should feel guilty... It had been too long since he was handed the song and up until now, there hadn't been one word written to it.
"And next, we've got Aoi's song. Well, I haven't heard any news of it. I don't even know if it actually exists. So why don't you spare us the trouble of asking and explain for yourself, please, Aoi-kun?"
Even the hardest steel would crumble against that. Kai's words were sharp, his tone was calm - but the way he said it actually made it sound colder that it was probably meant to be. Ruki shifted his sight to his right where Aoi was sitting, and the discomfort he found on Aoi's face was nothing to be ignored.
"The tabs are done," Aoi answered, his voice sounded heavy, "But I haven't shown it to anyone. It still needs some adjusting, here and there."
Yes. Even Ruki hadn't heard the full version of it, although he had had some vague impressions of its chorus, having overlistened to it while Aoi was working in front of his PC.
Kai nodded. "If you say so. I just hope you get your adjustments done in time for recording. Now, I suppose we have to focus on the already on-process job. Aoi," Kai's eyes never left Aoi's, "When are you planning to actually sit and listen to Uruha's song and give it your share? Or should I remind you that you are the band's second guitarist?"
Ruki lifted his head, and at the corner of his eyes, he could see Reita do too. Now, Kai had the rights to be strict since he was entitled to it - a big banner saying 'LEADER' right on top of his head - and maybe Aoi deserved to be blamed at, but Kai really didn't need to be so harsh... Ruki looked at Aoi and saw his lover's face turning red. The anger in him was rising up to his head and Ruki knew it was waiting impatiently to break out. Nervously, Ruki stared, chewing on his lower lip, waiting for Aoi's reaction.
"I know what I'm supposed to do, Kai," Aoi replied, "I just..."
"Busy working out on your personal problems, yes, I'm aware of it," Kai cut off - and this time Uruha lifted his head in surprise too to look at the leader. The dagger in Kai's voice could've shocked anyone at all. "Whatever you think is your business, is your business," Kai continued, despite the confused - almost scared - gazes Ruki, Reita and Uruha set on him, "But I am the leader, at the moment I really need to know your priorities."
"It's the band, Kai, and you know it!"
"No, I don't know it!" Kai topped Aoi's voice, and Ruki shivered as he saw the leader's eyes blaze like they had never had before, "You didn't show up in the studio when it was time for recording. And from what I've heard, the things you were doing during your absence... Well, I didn't see the relevance of them with the band. If this is your way of 'prioritizing the band', then fuck it, Aoi! We might as well get a new guitarist!"
Everybody gasped at that.
This wasn't going anywhere good, Ruki thought. Kai was angry, and unlike usual, he was losing control of it. There wasn't a trace of his legendary smile on his face at the moment, and his words were too edgy for a person like him to be uttering. Having known Kai for so long already, this was nothing they had expected from their drummer. Of course Ruki realized that there was a history of Aoi cheating on Kai. It was inappropriate at a time like this, it wasn't exactly the topic they were supposed to be discussing, but somehow Ruki had known it was coming if they were ever going to have a whole-band meeting like this. What had happened... it should've been painful, especially for Kai. Ruki understood how this kind of pain wouldn't go away even as time went by, it hurt for both sides, the one that had gotten hurt and the one who caused the other to hurt. And if Ruki felt like he'd been stabbed with a knife right through his heart after he realized how much he had hurt Uruha, then how would Uruha feel? It was probably the same case with Aoi and Kai, only Kai had kept that pain welling up inside of him, instead of blowing it outward like Uruha had done - which was probably, despite the indecency of Uruha's way, healthier than Kai's method.
There was anger that had never left from everyone's heart, some were worse than the other, but Kai's anger probably had been restrained the longest than the rest of them.
Even the most patient person on earth should have grudges. And Kai's grudge was surfacing now... It was obvious what this was becoming: a trial, Kai was a prosecutor and Aoi was sitting on the defendant's seat.
"I..." Kai started what it seemed to be another series of sharp, merciless sentences, but it was cut off almost immediately by a cough. The sound was almost muted, but it was clearly a warning, and as Ruki checked to the source of the sound, he found that it was Reita. The bassist was giving Kai a look that was sharp and intense. Even if it hadn't been directed to him, Ruki knew what the glare meant. Ruki turned his sight quickly to Kai, and he could see how Kai strained his face for one brief second, before he loosened up, giving the image as if he was shrinking right before Reita's eyes. Reita then stretched out one arm, his hand reaching for Kai and he pulled the drummer to sit again, right next to him. Kai didn't say a word but doing what Reita gestured him to do, and once he had himself sitting down on that chair, Kai let out a long sigh. There was an audibly huge burden leaving his chest along with that sigh, Ruki could hear it.
Inappropriate as it may seemed, Ruki was thinking about scolding Reita later after the meeting for not sharing anything about his relationship with Kai. Yeah, it was inappropriate. But Ruki thought he had the right to know, being Reita's so-called brother and all...
"Listen,"
The whole room seemed to shift focus, dizzyingly, in a partial of a second, towards Aoi. His voice, although low, seemed to make echoes across the walls of the room, and it reverberated back, rumbling deep into Ruki's core. There was no doubt that Kai, Reita and Uruha were feeling the same state of shock Ruki was feeling. All of them - except Aoi - were silent, staring at Aoi who looked more stern and depressed than ever.
"Please listen to me..."
Aoi's voice quivered and oh yes... Ruki could clearly sense the guilt, the discomfort, the forsaken feeling Aoi was filled with. Those feelings were always there and Ruki was blind if he hadn't seen it, night after night he had spent with Aoi. Those feeling were always there... always torturing Aoi. It was here now, present in Aoi's mood, taking over his emotions and actions and it was painful, the vision of Aoi hunching his back as he sat there too damn close for Ruki to witness everything so clearly.
"I'm sorry," was next to be said, and by the sound of it, Aoi was pushing the words through his tense throat because it sounded almost rough. Ruki shifted in his seat, one hand reaching for Aoi's hand, and when he touched it, he could immediately feel Aoi grasping him tightly. Everything was even clearer now, Ruki could even feel that there was also desperateness here... here in this quivering hand...
"I'm sorry, and I know, no matter how much I say it, it's never going to be enough," Aoi continued. Ruki caught the furtive glance Aoi gave him, and as short as it may be, Ruki knew what Aoi wanted him to do - expressed in the depth of those deep, dark eyes: he wanted Ruki to stay and give him strength. But even if Aoi hadn't asked - as quietly as he had done it - Ruki would've stayed anyways. There was no way he was leaving his lover when he was at his worst moments.
"I'm sorry for being the jerk that I am. I know I deserve the name, because that's what I am. After all the things I've done, I deserve worse names than that. I've ruined the band... But I really, really didn't mean to do that," Aoi turned his sight around the room, towards the other three. Ruki could see their faces, dazed, each and every one of them, all were looking at Aoi. No one was expecting this, not even Ruki. And maybe even Aoi. Ruki knew that his lover hadn't left home this morning planning about a mass-apologizing-activity sometimes later that day. But this must happen, eventually, and they all knew that.
"I..." Aoi took a deep breath; Ruki tightened his hold on Aoi's hand, "I know I sound like I'm just trying to save my own ass from the fucking deadline or what the people from the company would say, because I choose this precise moment to talk and not earlier. I know I'm very, very wrong for not doing what's right, and that is to apologize to you guys. I've been thinking too much about myself, my own business, my own feelings that I've forgotten about the most important thing: the band. I've forgotten about my friends... my family... which is you guys. I've damaged this band to the point where I shouldn't be forgiven."
Somebody shifted on his seat but Ruki didn't really care to check who it was. He just kept his focus on Aoi, nothing else really mattered for him now, not in this situation.
"Kai..." Ruki saw how Aoi lifted his face at Kai, while the drummer lifted his eyes at Aoi with an almost dumb expression carved on his face. "Kai..." repeated Aoi, narrowing his eyes towards the man he had just addressed, "I told you I'm sorry, but I should've begged for your forgiveness. Kneel before you if that's what it takes. I've treated you so wrong that I'll never ever be able to redeem myself to you even if I spend my whole life time asking for your mercy, I know that. But I'll just say it again... I'm sorry.."
"Aoi..."
"No, Kai," Aoi cut off Kai's attempt of saying anything, the drummer froze with his mouth opened and a hand shifted up. Aoi drew a deep breath, and continued, "I know you too well to know what you're keeping inside your heart. I accept your anger. I understand it. I even understand if you don't think you can work with me again, if you want to find the band a new guitarist as you've just said..."
"I didn't mean that, Aoi," Kai spoke up, his voice faltering, "You know I was just..."
"Even if you had meant it, I know I deserve it, I'd understand if it's a punishment you'd want me to endure," said Aoi.
This talk was going somewhere Ruki didn't like, he wanted it stop and he tried expressing it to Aoi by gripping his hand even tighter. What's this about a new guitarist and all that crap?! Ruki didn't want a new guitarist. He only wanted Aoi. The GazettE wasn't the GazettE without Aoi. HE wouldn't be Ruki without Aoi.
"No, no, Aoi, no," Kai insisted, and there was already a streak of pearly tear on his left cheek, "Please stop, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I was just being... too emotional. And..."
"Cut that out, you two,"
Again, the room's focus shifted to another character: Reita. His low, daunting voice brought even more tension upon the room. He had a look on his face that even for Ruki, who had known him for so long, was unfamiliar. It was strict, dark, and in a way it was almost scary. There was absolutely no signs of the ever-dorky Reita in the room at present.
"If you continue, it's just going to be neverending," he said, leaning forward, elbows upon the table, "So Aoi is wrong. So Kai is mad. And so the rest of us are upset and angry and whatever... But do you suppose it's going to be helpful for the band's schedule if we keep talking about it?"
"Rei--" Ruki tried cutting off.
"Shut up, Ru," a glare, shot like a bullet from a brand new baretta, silenced Ruki immediately. Ruki stared with his mouth wide open in shock, Reita standing up from his chair, the screeching noise the chair made against the floor made everyone jump on their seats. Reita's figure, although slender and usually bright and fun-looking, now seemed bigger than he's supposed to be, dark and intimidating. Even Ruki had never known that there was this side Reita was hiding, all this time...
"Shut the fuck up, all of you," he continued, and Ruki swore he could see Reita's lips trembling as he spoke, "God. We're so pathetic!"
The bang Reita had made with his hands against the surface of the table made everyone jump again. Biting his lip, Ruki stared at the bassist.
"We're a BAND, for God's sakes! Not a group of fucking soap opera actors!!" Reita said, "We have a release deadline and a tour at hand and here we are talking about who cheated on who and who is supposed to be blamed? Pathetic!"
"Wait, Rei--" it was Ruki's second try, and it failed just as miserably as the first one. He shouldn't have tried at all, now that Reita had had his eyes piercing straight through him, giving him shivers down his spines.
"What?!"
"I... I just thought..." Ruki shrunk on his seat, understanding just what an ant felt being positioned right under an elephant's foot, "This is important. We should talk about it... Otherwise..."
"I know that, Ru," said Reita, softening his voice this time, "I know it's crucial to talk about what had happened, but I also know that just talking about it won't make it right. There's nothing we can do to make it right." A sigh left his mouth, "We've made mistakes, okay, I got that. We've screwed up, yeah I've seen it for myself. We've been hurt, and that I understand completely. I really didn't need to see you having bruises and crying on my shoulder to understand just how badly we've been hurt."
Someone sobbed, Ruki believed it was Uruha's voice, but his eyes were still focused on Reita.
"But is there anything we can do to undo what has been done? If we talk about it, do you suppose the whole matter could just vanish?" Reita spoke, "Is there any way you can cancel things, to go back to where we were then? Is there anything you can do to go back and stop yourself getting hurt? Or hurting someone else?"
A warm sensation stole its way to Ruki's eyes.
"Nothing..." Reita continued, and now his voice was nothing more than a whisper, "There is nothing that we can do, because it's been done. Aoi fucked up. You fucked up, Ru. Uruha fucked up. And the rest of us were being carried away. And now we're all fucked up. Is there any need to review the whole thing again? Because I really think it's already obvious..."
Ruki blinked and felt his tears melted down, but he was no worse than Uruha or Kai, now he had the chance to look around him. Uruha was burrying his face in his palms, and Kai was silent, like a catatonic man, but his cheeks were soaked wet.
"We've apologized for too many times lately, like it's the only thing we know how to do. I'm so fucking tired of it..." Reita sat back down as he breathed out these words, running one of his hands on his forehead as if that was where he felt pain, "Can't we just... please, move on?"
Silence took its seat between them again now that Reita decided to stop his speech, and even more than before, it was sickening. It was so sickening because now the pressure was heavier, Reita's words dwelled in each and every one of their minds as Ruki knew it, understanding just how everyone felt because he definitely felt the same. The truth in every word was slaughtering his conscience, he knew it was oh so damn true how things couldn't be undone or redone. He knew it was also true, that if they only sat there, regretting over the past like they were doing now, they were just doing something pointless. This was leading them to nowhere good.
So what should they do now...?
===
previous chaps and such.
Chapter: 22/??
Author: chuu ( akichuu)
Fandom: JRock, Gazette
Pairings: AoiXRuki. ReitaXKai
Overall Rating: NC-17
Genre: Smut. But it's sort of fluffy at some parts. Watch for some angst too.
Warnings: ManXMan sex scenes, language--just sometimes, over-exaggerated romance scenes. Un-beta-ed mistakes.
Summary: "...If this is your way of 'prioritizing the band', then fuck it, Aoi! We might as well get a new guitarist!"
Comments: Nice~ This didn't take to long now, did it?? Read yo!
- 22 -
Funny that the idea that occured in his thought right at the moment wasn't exactly a pleasant one, although it seemed that he was actually having the one thing he had been dreaming of lately: the band sitting together in harmony. Well. At the moment, they were sitting together, the fact was that the five of them altogether were now circling the meeting table, and it appeared that this was exactly what they had needed to do all of this time. But it seemed that harmony... Well. Harmony was probably left out in the sentence, or somewhere along the way. It was definitely not here in this room.
The silence in the air was almost sickening it made him want to puke. But even if he deemed for a conversation, he couldn't even think of how to start one. He would normally be 'the kid who didn't know how to shut up' at some other times, better times, he could start talking about the most unimportant things in the world and the rest of them would comment or simply complain about whatever topic he had picked up. But now... Someone - or something - had sealed that kid deep inside of him, making sure it cower away at a corner, leaving him blank. All that he could do was to wish, quietly, for someone else to start. Anyone. Anyone at all who might had a topic. Some comments on the weather were probably better - although stupid - than this silence...
"Okay, that's it,"
And finally, it was Kai who cracked up first. It wasn't so surprising, and Ruki was already half-expecting him to rise up first from his seat. Ruki's gaze followed their leader standing up a little too rushedly from his chair, was very lucky not to have knocked his chair down. Ruki could see how his face looked so agitated and it wasn't a comforting sight. Ruki knew the kind of person that Kai was, and it was only Kai's nature to be the first to take over a situation once something started to fuck up. Stage performances, the band's schedule, their daily lives. Anything at all Kai could lay his hands on. It was troublesome to be in his position, Ruki knew that, but it was rare that he would see Kai showing this kind of face he was showing now... No. It was always that full-of-smile Kai, all the way, even through what Ruki had thought of being the worst.
The leader's slender figure made its way around the table, walking with his arms folded on his chest. He had his gaze down on the floor, and even if Ruki didn't have a full glimpse on Kai's face, he knew he recognized that look on Kai. Ruki remembered back then when he got so sick right before a live and it was impossible for him to get up and sing unless he wanted to spend the rest of the month being treated in the hospital. Kai's face back then had been the same as it was now... Grave, thoughtful, he looked like he was ten years older than he really was. It was as if the sun had stopped shining and the rainclouds gathered together, darkening the whole skies. Keeping silent, everybody else in the room knew there was a storm coming up.
"Five days," Kai started, repeating the information Aoi had just passed to them a few hours ago, "That's all we've got, guys. And I'll cut the crap because we've run out of time for anymore of that. We still have two songs to complete. Now, I don't know how we've become so lame that we need almost two whole months just to finish two songs. I know Uruha's song has been recorded, but it still needs Aoi's tracks. And the lyrics... Well unless you want to release a background theme song it's going to have its words, soon."
Although he didn't see Kai's face when he was talking, having his head down eyes upon his lap, Ruki could actually feel Kai's eyes piercing right through him. He could feel Kai's demand in that glare, and yeah, he should feel guilty... It had been too long since he was handed the song and up until now, there hadn't been one word written to it.
"And next, we've got Aoi's song. Well, I haven't heard any news of it. I don't even know if it actually exists. So why don't you spare us the trouble of asking and explain for yourself, please, Aoi-kun?"
Even the hardest steel would crumble against that. Kai's words were sharp, his tone was calm - but the way he said it actually made it sound colder that it was probably meant to be. Ruki shifted his sight to his right where Aoi was sitting, and the discomfort he found on Aoi's face was nothing to be ignored.
"The tabs are done," Aoi answered, his voice sounded heavy, "But I haven't shown it to anyone. It still needs some adjusting, here and there."
Yes. Even Ruki hadn't heard the full version of it, although he had had some vague impressions of its chorus, having overlistened to it while Aoi was working in front of his PC.
Kai nodded. "If you say so. I just hope you get your adjustments done in time for recording. Now, I suppose we have to focus on the already on-process job. Aoi," Kai's eyes never left Aoi's, "When are you planning to actually sit and listen to Uruha's song and give it your share? Or should I remind you that you are the band's second guitarist?"
Ruki lifted his head, and at the corner of his eyes, he could see Reita do too. Now, Kai had the rights to be strict since he was entitled to it - a big banner saying 'LEADER' right on top of his head - and maybe Aoi deserved to be blamed at, but Kai really didn't need to be so harsh... Ruki looked at Aoi and saw his lover's face turning red. The anger in him was rising up to his head and Ruki knew it was waiting impatiently to break out. Nervously, Ruki stared, chewing on his lower lip, waiting for Aoi's reaction.
"I know what I'm supposed to do, Kai," Aoi replied, "I just..."
"Busy working out on your personal problems, yes, I'm aware of it," Kai cut off - and this time Uruha lifted his head in surprise too to look at the leader. The dagger in Kai's voice could've shocked anyone at all. "Whatever you think is your business, is your business," Kai continued, despite the confused - almost scared - gazes Ruki, Reita and Uruha set on him, "But I am the leader, at the moment I really need to know your priorities."
"It's the band, Kai, and you know it!"
"No, I don't know it!" Kai topped Aoi's voice, and Ruki shivered as he saw the leader's eyes blaze like they had never had before, "You didn't show up in the studio when it was time for recording. And from what I've heard, the things you were doing during your absence... Well, I didn't see the relevance of them with the band. If this is your way of 'prioritizing the band', then fuck it, Aoi! We might as well get a new guitarist!"
Everybody gasped at that.
This wasn't going anywhere good, Ruki thought. Kai was angry, and unlike usual, he was losing control of it. There wasn't a trace of his legendary smile on his face at the moment, and his words were too edgy for a person like him to be uttering. Having known Kai for so long already, this was nothing they had expected from their drummer. Of course Ruki realized that there was a history of Aoi cheating on Kai. It was inappropriate at a time like this, it wasn't exactly the topic they were supposed to be discussing, but somehow Ruki had known it was coming if they were ever going to have a whole-band meeting like this. What had happened... it should've been painful, especially for Kai. Ruki understood how this kind of pain wouldn't go away even as time went by, it hurt for both sides, the one that had gotten hurt and the one who caused the other to hurt. And if Ruki felt like he'd been stabbed with a knife right through his heart after he realized how much he had hurt Uruha, then how would Uruha feel? It was probably the same case with Aoi and Kai, only Kai had kept that pain welling up inside of him, instead of blowing it outward like Uruha had done - which was probably, despite the indecency of Uruha's way, healthier than Kai's method.
There was anger that had never left from everyone's heart, some were worse than the other, but Kai's anger probably had been restrained the longest than the rest of them.
Even the most patient person on earth should have grudges. And Kai's grudge was surfacing now... It was obvious what this was becoming: a trial, Kai was a prosecutor and Aoi was sitting on the defendant's seat.
"I..." Kai started what it seemed to be another series of sharp, merciless sentences, but it was cut off almost immediately by a cough. The sound was almost muted, but it was clearly a warning, and as Ruki checked to the source of the sound, he found that it was Reita. The bassist was giving Kai a look that was sharp and intense. Even if it hadn't been directed to him, Ruki knew what the glare meant. Ruki turned his sight quickly to Kai, and he could see how Kai strained his face for one brief second, before he loosened up, giving the image as if he was shrinking right before Reita's eyes. Reita then stretched out one arm, his hand reaching for Kai and he pulled the drummer to sit again, right next to him. Kai didn't say a word but doing what Reita gestured him to do, and once he had himself sitting down on that chair, Kai let out a long sigh. There was an audibly huge burden leaving his chest along with that sigh, Ruki could hear it.
Inappropriate as it may seemed, Ruki was thinking about scolding Reita later after the meeting for not sharing anything about his relationship with Kai. Yeah, it was inappropriate. But Ruki thought he had the right to know, being Reita's so-called brother and all...
"Listen,"
The whole room seemed to shift focus, dizzyingly, in a partial of a second, towards Aoi. His voice, although low, seemed to make echoes across the walls of the room, and it reverberated back, rumbling deep into Ruki's core. There was no doubt that Kai, Reita and Uruha were feeling the same state of shock Ruki was feeling. All of them - except Aoi - were silent, staring at Aoi who looked more stern and depressed than ever.
"Please listen to me..."
Aoi's voice quivered and oh yes... Ruki could clearly sense the guilt, the discomfort, the forsaken feeling Aoi was filled with. Those feelings were always there and Ruki was blind if he hadn't seen it, night after night he had spent with Aoi. Those feeling were always there... always torturing Aoi. It was here now, present in Aoi's mood, taking over his emotions and actions and it was painful, the vision of Aoi hunching his back as he sat there too damn close for Ruki to witness everything so clearly.
"I'm sorry," was next to be said, and by the sound of it, Aoi was pushing the words through his tense throat because it sounded almost rough. Ruki shifted in his seat, one hand reaching for Aoi's hand, and when he touched it, he could immediately feel Aoi grasping him tightly. Everything was even clearer now, Ruki could even feel that there was also desperateness here... here in this quivering hand...
"I'm sorry, and I know, no matter how much I say it, it's never going to be enough," Aoi continued. Ruki caught the furtive glance Aoi gave him, and as short as it may be, Ruki knew what Aoi wanted him to do - expressed in the depth of those deep, dark eyes: he wanted Ruki to stay and give him strength. But even if Aoi hadn't asked - as quietly as he had done it - Ruki would've stayed anyways. There was no way he was leaving his lover when he was at his worst moments.
"I'm sorry for being the jerk that I am. I know I deserve the name, because that's what I am. After all the things I've done, I deserve worse names than that. I've ruined the band... But I really, really didn't mean to do that," Aoi turned his sight around the room, towards the other three. Ruki could see their faces, dazed, each and every one of them, all were looking at Aoi. No one was expecting this, not even Ruki. And maybe even Aoi. Ruki knew that his lover hadn't left home this morning planning about a mass-apologizing-activity sometimes later that day. But this must happen, eventually, and they all knew that.
"I..." Aoi took a deep breath; Ruki tightened his hold on Aoi's hand, "I know I sound like I'm just trying to save my own ass from the fucking deadline or what the people from the company would say, because I choose this precise moment to talk and not earlier. I know I'm very, very wrong for not doing what's right, and that is to apologize to you guys. I've been thinking too much about myself, my own business, my own feelings that I've forgotten about the most important thing: the band. I've forgotten about my friends... my family... which is you guys. I've damaged this band to the point where I shouldn't be forgiven."
Somebody shifted on his seat but Ruki didn't really care to check who it was. He just kept his focus on Aoi, nothing else really mattered for him now, not in this situation.
"Kai..." Ruki saw how Aoi lifted his face at Kai, while the drummer lifted his eyes at Aoi with an almost dumb expression carved on his face. "Kai..." repeated Aoi, narrowing his eyes towards the man he had just addressed, "I told you I'm sorry, but I should've begged for your forgiveness. Kneel before you if that's what it takes. I've treated you so wrong that I'll never ever be able to redeem myself to you even if I spend my whole life time asking for your mercy, I know that. But I'll just say it again... I'm sorry.."
"Aoi..."
"No, Kai," Aoi cut off Kai's attempt of saying anything, the drummer froze with his mouth opened and a hand shifted up. Aoi drew a deep breath, and continued, "I know you too well to know what you're keeping inside your heart. I accept your anger. I understand it. I even understand if you don't think you can work with me again, if you want to find the band a new guitarist as you've just said..."
"I didn't mean that, Aoi," Kai spoke up, his voice faltering, "You know I was just..."
"Even if you had meant it, I know I deserve it, I'd understand if it's a punishment you'd want me to endure," said Aoi.
This talk was going somewhere Ruki didn't like, he wanted it stop and he tried expressing it to Aoi by gripping his hand even tighter. What's this about a new guitarist and all that crap?! Ruki didn't want a new guitarist. He only wanted Aoi. The GazettE wasn't the GazettE without Aoi. HE wouldn't be Ruki without Aoi.
"No, no, Aoi, no," Kai insisted, and there was already a streak of pearly tear on his left cheek, "Please stop, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I was just being... too emotional. And..."
"Cut that out, you two,"
Again, the room's focus shifted to another character: Reita. His low, daunting voice brought even more tension upon the room. He had a look on his face that even for Ruki, who had known him for so long, was unfamiliar. It was strict, dark, and in a way it was almost scary. There was absolutely no signs of the ever-dorky Reita in the room at present.
"If you continue, it's just going to be neverending," he said, leaning forward, elbows upon the table, "So Aoi is wrong. So Kai is mad. And so the rest of us are upset and angry and whatever... But do you suppose it's going to be helpful for the band's schedule if we keep talking about it?"
"Rei--" Ruki tried cutting off.
"Shut up, Ru," a glare, shot like a bullet from a brand new baretta, silenced Ruki immediately. Ruki stared with his mouth wide open in shock, Reita standing up from his chair, the screeching noise the chair made against the floor made everyone jump on their seats. Reita's figure, although slender and usually bright and fun-looking, now seemed bigger than he's supposed to be, dark and intimidating. Even Ruki had never known that there was this side Reita was hiding, all this time...
"Shut the fuck up, all of you," he continued, and Ruki swore he could see Reita's lips trembling as he spoke, "God. We're so pathetic!"
The bang Reita had made with his hands against the surface of the table made everyone jump again. Biting his lip, Ruki stared at the bassist.
"We're a BAND, for God's sakes! Not a group of fucking soap opera actors!!" Reita said, "We have a release deadline and a tour at hand and here we are talking about who cheated on who and who is supposed to be blamed? Pathetic!"
"Wait, Rei--" it was Ruki's second try, and it failed just as miserably as the first one. He shouldn't have tried at all, now that Reita had had his eyes piercing straight through him, giving him shivers down his spines.
"What?!"
"I... I just thought..." Ruki shrunk on his seat, understanding just what an ant felt being positioned right under an elephant's foot, "This is important. We should talk about it... Otherwise..."
"I know that, Ru," said Reita, softening his voice this time, "I know it's crucial to talk about what had happened, but I also know that just talking about it won't make it right. There's nothing we can do to make it right." A sigh left his mouth, "We've made mistakes, okay, I got that. We've screwed up, yeah I've seen it for myself. We've been hurt, and that I understand completely. I really didn't need to see you having bruises and crying on my shoulder to understand just how badly we've been hurt."
Someone sobbed, Ruki believed it was Uruha's voice, but his eyes were still focused on Reita.
"But is there anything we can do to undo what has been done? If we talk about it, do you suppose the whole matter could just vanish?" Reita spoke, "Is there any way you can cancel things, to go back to where we were then? Is there anything you can do to go back and stop yourself getting hurt? Or hurting someone else?"
A warm sensation stole its way to Ruki's eyes.
"Nothing..." Reita continued, and now his voice was nothing more than a whisper, "There is nothing that we can do, because it's been done. Aoi fucked up. You fucked up, Ru. Uruha fucked up. And the rest of us were being carried away. And now we're all fucked up. Is there any need to review the whole thing again? Because I really think it's already obvious..."
Ruki blinked and felt his tears melted down, but he was no worse than Uruha or Kai, now he had the chance to look around him. Uruha was burrying his face in his palms, and Kai was silent, like a catatonic man, but his cheeks were soaked wet.
"We've apologized for too many times lately, like it's the only thing we know how to do. I'm so fucking tired of it..." Reita sat back down as he breathed out these words, running one of his hands on his forehead as if that was where he felt pain, "Can't we just... please, move on?"
Silence took its seat between them again now that Reita decided to stop his speech, and even more than before, it was sickening. It was so sickening because now the pressure was heavier, Reita's words dwelled in each and every one of their minds as Ruki knew it, understanding just how everyone felt because he definitely felt the same. The truth in every word was slaughtering his conscience, he knew it was oh so damn true how things couldn't be undone or redone. He knew it was also true, that if they only sat there, regretting over the past like they were doing now, they were just doing something pointless. This was leading them to nowhere good.
So what should they do now...?
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previous chaps and such.