Yomenai Kotoba 18/?? - AoiXRuki, ReitaXKai
Title: Yomenai Kotoba
Chapter: 18/??
Author: chuu ( akichuu)
Fandom: JRock, Gazette
Pairings: AoiXRuki. ReitaXKai
Overall Rating: NC-17
Genre: Smut. But it's sort of fluffy at some parts. Watch for some angst too.
Warnings: ManXMan sex scenes, language--just sometimes, over-exaggerated romance scenes. Un-beta-ed mistakes.
Summary: ... Uruha was smiling when Ruki looked up at him. "I loved you. I still love you, and I don't think I will love you less even as time goes by..."
Comments: Err... Just go on and read. You want to know what the confrontation between those two might bring, don't you?
- 18 -
Once the door opened for both of them, Ruki knew that there was no running away, not anymore. There was no way he could turn around and rush to find himself a quick escape. He knew better than to be so rude, and anyways, wasn't this what he had wanted all the time? To reconcile? To set things right where they belonged? He had wanted this relationship - that had sadly gotten torn apart along with the disaster took place - to be fixed, and he had been thinking for a fresh start, although he hadn't had the slightest idea how to start one.
Once the owner of the apartment led them into the genkan, Ruki knew he just had to go along with whatever Reita wanted him to do, and he should forget about trying to run away now. He should, especially with those inquiring eyes set right on him. That man was surely wondering too, what the hell was Reita and Ruki doing here now? And while Reita was taking off his shoes, Ruki was being a little panicked thinking about what would be appropriate to say.
"Hey, Uru," Reita greeted casually, as if the situation wasn't queer at all. Oh how Ruki wanted to punch his face so god damned much right now...
"Hey..." the man Reita had addressed to replied, apprehensively, or that was just how Ruki had heard it. He didn't say anything if he was apprehensive, though, he didn't even question - yet. He just gestured them to enter his living room.
That was only when Ruki noticed his surrounding. The place had completely changed! He spun on his heels to see that he was really, really in Uruha's apartment, because nothing there were like the way they had been back then. The living room that Ruki was in right now was not exactly how he had remembered it the last time he came here - and that should be... Months ago. The location of the things had changed, obviously. Ruki remembered that the TV had used to lean on that wall, the long sofa facing it. But now the TV was placed on another wall, the sofa leaned to the wall where the TV had used to be. The curtains hanging on the window gave the place a new color. He never knew that Uruha had a taste for burgundy color, but it was that exact color now. Uruha had mixed it with salem-nuanced ornaments and that had successfully given the place a warm feeling.
Oh. Uruha had even bought new carpet... Ruki looked down on a soft light-brown carpet right under his feet.
"I love the place, Uru!" Reita's statement startled Ruki, making him lift up his face at the bassist, who - just like he was - was admiring the place.
Uruha was standing, leaning his back to the kitchen table, arms folded on his chest. He was smiling. "Really? What do you think about the carpet?" he asked.
Reita looked down on the carpet Ruki had just been looking at a while before. The bassist grinned as he lifted his face back to meet Uruha's. "It looks great, actually. It's not really your color, isn't it?"
Reita and Uruha was discussing colors while Ruki stood nervously, eyes down at the light-brown carpet, jittery fingers clutching the rim of his own jacket. He had nothing else better than wondering what to do. As he lifted his face, Ruki tried giving a scolding look at Reita, but Reita wasn't looking at him at all to notice him. Wasn't it only proper if Reita started explaining just why had be brought Ruki here? Not that Ruki hated to be in Uruha's apartment, but considering the situation, he would need a very good reason to be here now. Now, after a good long few months.
Not until someone called his name that Ruki woke up from his contemplation. "Ruki? Is that the new hair-style?" And he saw Uruha smiling at him, making him - unavoidably - blush.
At first it didn't feel like Uruha was talking to him. After a long while of not having a proper conversation with the guitarist, it felt very much odd to be starting one now, and Uruha's question seemed so casual, so effortless. He had uttered it as if nothing had ever happened between the two of them.
"Yes, yes it is..." he stuttered to answer, his hand roamed up to his hair almost unconsciously, touching the now-messy-hairdo. He could see Uruha staring at him from between the streaks of hair that fell carelessly in front of his eyes, and Uruha was still smiling. God. It's been a while since I've seen that smile...
"Auburn, huh?" Uruha walked towards the two that were standing in the middle of his living room, "It makes you look mature, somehow."
Mature. That was first. Was that how he looked now? He knew that blonde had always made him look younger than he really was, and maybe that had been one of the reasons why he had picked other color but blonde. Maybe it would be a good thing to look mature once in a while...
"God, I'm being rude..." might be realizing Ruki's nervousness, Uruha shuffled his feet against the carpet, just halfway before reaching Reita and Ruki. He made a turn towards the kitchen, "Sit down, please. Make yourselves comfy. What do you want to drink? Have you had dinner?"
Ruki didn't really want to drink or eat anything although the taste of soda that he had had in the car made his tongue dry, but Reita mumbled 'tea would be fine' to Uruha, walked towards Ruki and with a hand resting on his shoulder, the bassist led him towards the long sofa. They sat there, Ruki gazing at Uruha who had gone busy in the kitchen.
"Reita..." Ruki murmured, very, very softly, eyes still stuck on the guitarist who was now making tea there in the kitchen, "Why did you bring me here?"
The hand that Reita placed on Ruki's shoulder pat him gently. "Just so you know that I was saying the truth," he answered, making Ruki turn his sight at him, confused as he found Reita was smiling, "About forgiveness. About moving on."
Forgiveness. Ruki could remember what Reita had said in their little drama in the car and how he didn't think he had the right to believe it. He was not in the position to be forgiven, none the least. So maybe Uruha had transformed his whole apartment to a new appearance, but did that mean anything? Was that supposed to be a sign or something that Uruha had forgotten about the past? It was too hard to believe; if Uruha was a normal person, a human being with feelings and grudge, he should - at least - still hate Ruki.
Uruha walked in to the set where they were waiting for him, carrying a tray with cups and a tea pot on top of it, vapor emitting vaguely from the pot's mouth. He placed it on top of the table in front of the long sofa where Ruki and Reita was sitting on, and he nodded at the two. "Help yourselves, 'kay?"
Ruki felt clumsy, to say the least, even with Reita between him and Uruha. But then he shifted to get his cup and poured himself the nice, soothing scented liquid from the pot. It was jasmine tea... Funny, but now the details of Uruha's favorites were running through his mind, as if the scent of the tea was deliberately bringing them all back into his memories. Uruha liked jasmine tea, that's one. And he liked cremed coffee. And then vanilla ice cream. Ruki smirked, unconsciously, as he blew the hot tea gently.
He could even remember Uruha's favorite potato chips' taste: barbeque.
"So..." Uruha started, "What brought you two here?"
Ruki noted the soft, apprehensive tone in Uruha's voice, and he didn't even wonder why it was there.
It was Reita who, finally, took the initiative to answer that question. "We're here to... Talk about your song," he said, and Ruki lifted his eyes at the bassist in panic. What the hell?? Did Reita bring him here to talk about what sort of troubles those damned tabs had brought him? Ruki couldn't start explaining how those tabs had jeopardized his relationship with Aoi and costed him his mental stability... But then, before Ruki could protest, Reita continued, "Ruki hasn't been in his... Best condition, lately. And to tell you the truth, he hasn't finished the lyrics."
"Oh," Uruha replied softly, Ruki could feel his inquiring pair of eyes resting back upon him, and it didn't feel too encouraging. "What's wrong? Are you okay?" he questioned, and somehow it made Ruki remember about his injured lip. Embarassedly, he slid it into his mouth, hoping that Uruha hadn't just noticed that.
"I'm fine, I'm just... A little tired lately," Ruki lied.
"That, and," Reita unexpectedly continued, "The fact that he's - we're both a little worried about... The guitar parts."
Ruki shifted his sight at Uruha, and he found that the guitarist's face had turned thoughtful over the statement Reita had just said. At that, Ruki knew immediately that the worry had also come into Uruha's mind, more than just this once.
"I know what you mean," Uruha said, sighing, "As you can see, I've only written my guitar parts. And you, your bass parts. And I've also done Ruki's melody. But for... For Aoi's part..." He caught up eye to eye with Ruki, "I can't do that, and even if I can, I'm not sure if he would..."
Suddenly, Aoi's behaviour and his arrogance went trough Ruki's mind. He knew exactly what Uruha was carefully implying about. Aoi wouldn't have anyone else writing his guitar parts, he'd do what he had written himself, that was how arrogant he was. A perfectionist to the bones, some might say. Normally, Aoi would have to sit with Uruha and work together, that was what it took for the two of them to complete the whole guitar sequence for their songs. But now, see if that method would work well without a blood-shed going on...
"But we're tight on schedule," Reita said, "And we can't go on like this forever."
"I know, Reita. It's bugging me too. And the tour is coming up..."
"The guys from the company are already pressing us..."
"I hate them for that, but they've got a point. We can't delay things any longer. What should we do to work things out?"
"It's hard, Uru. I've thought of a million ways but I can't be sure if any of it would work."
Ruki looked and listened to the two rounding-about, and felt totally cornered now. The band's schedule, the recording, the single release, the PV shooting, the tour. Oh God. None would go as planned, if they were still as they were right now.
"I... I'm sorry..." Ruki didn't have any idea that his voice could sound so tiny, so helpless. He sounded as if he was a baby, but even that could make the attention of the two men who were just talking with each other turn to him. "I'm sorry," Ruki said again, "It's... It's my fault..."
"What is your fault?" Uruha asked, didn't seem to get what Ruki was talking about.
"Everything," Ruki sighed. It might be time to be all out and just spell it all down right: it was his fault. "Everything is my fault. If only I... I hadn't..." It felt hard to start talking about the past that he wished he could just throw away out of the window, but he should. "You know what I'm talking about, and it is all my fault. Reita had been trying to tell me that it's not," Ruki gazed aside at the bassist, "But it is. We wouldn't have been dealing with this shit if only I hadn't..."
"Ruki," Uruha cut off, "That's the past."
"I know, but..." Ruki stuttered, "But I was wrong..."
"So you were. But so was I. And so was Aoi, if I am allowed to say. All of us were wrong," Uruha murmured. Odd, Ruki had already heard those coming from Reita, but now that it was Uruha who was telling him that, it felt very much different.
"But none of us would be wrong if I hadn't started it," Ruki insisted.
"Who started what? There's no way to be sure about that..." Uruha replied.
"Try convincing him that, Uru. I'd done that till my mouth ran dry," and Reita cut off.
"Well... For someone who had gone through the experience first hand, I can only say that it's normal to blame yourself. I mean, I've done that too... God, I blamed myself so bad, Reita should be the right person to tell you what I was like..." Uruha looked at Reita, smirking.
Reita nodded slowly, an understanding smile stretching on his lips.
"I felt like... The world's most convicted man who shouldn't be let alive, to say the least. I wanted the world to just throw me away and hate me, lock me in a cage or something, because I thought that was exactly what I deserved," Uruha mumbled, eyes wandering to places that seemed unreachable for both Reita and Ruki, "The realization that I had hurt the one I love... Yes, that would be you, Ruki," Uruha nodded with a gentle smile towards Ruki, "Realizing that I had hurt you, that was one thing, and it already felt terrible. But the regret I had had to deal with afterwards... That was the most painful thing I've ever known. It was so unbearable, that honestly... I had had my moments thinking about killing myself," Uruha lowered his gaze, his smile grew sadder by every word he said, "Desperate as I was, I could still think about the consequences, though. I thought about my family, my friends, the band. I couldn't disappoint them. So I started to turn towards alcohol, thinking that maybe that could take the pain away... Funny, but it is only now that I realize how stupid I have been. The alcohol only made things worse, and not to mention the hangovers..."
Reita chuckled at that.
"I was a bitchy drunk, wasn't I, Reita-chan? It's not just the alcohol, but it was myself who had tortured Reita to a point where he should've just ditched me as a friend. But he didn't, thank God..." Uruha smiled at Reita, "I've given Reita trouble more than he could handle, but he never showed that to me. One day I looked at him and I saw that exhaustion in his eyes, I knew it was me who had put it in there... That's when I came to a point where I thought: You know what, Reita had had enough. I should stop doing this to him. And that night when I finally decided that I should start standing on my own feet, I left Reita's place."
Ruki listened and realized even more just what a precious friend Reita was, not just for him, but for all of them.
"And yes, Reita, working on the interior did do me good," Uruha giggled to a joke that seemed only he and Reita shared, "It did me good and probably that was the one thing I should've done in the first place, getting myself busy. I was only busy thrashing myself at your place..."
"And thrashing my place," Reita added, and he received a louder giggle from Uruha.
"And thrashing your place," Uruha agreed, "I was only busy making myself a lousy jerk, an asshole. I was an annoying prick that wouldn't leave you in peace. I was anything you'd call me, Reita. I know I deserve every one of it."
This time, Reita giggled. "Good, then. So you won't protest the next time I call you names..."
Ruki couldn't help to stretch a small smirk too at Reita's joke. The bassist always knew how to come up with a laughable comment in all situations, good or bad. Most people would think of him as a silly, ignorant person for doing that, but for Ruki, it was actually a talent that not everyone owned.
"Ruki..." Ruki startled his sight back at Uruha at the mentioning of his name, "I wouldn't mind saying sorry again, if only that could make things right. I'd even go to Aoi and risk getting killed if that is what it takes for us to be okay again. If anybody could tell me, just what exactly I should do to get things back the way they used to be, I'd do anything."
"Uruha, I..."
"I've been through what I should say, the lowest point of my life, but that is my turning point, and I thought I just had to look forward from there," Uruha didn't let Ruki continue.
"Listen, Ruki..." he sighed, "If you really want to know what the song is about, I'll just spell it out to you. Maybe the things that I wrote on the tabs gave you a misconception. The song, when I started writing it, was - honestly - about losing you. I can't help the feeling and to tell you the truth, I don't think I ever want to deny it, because I did feel the worst loss when you took off from my life. That time, I decided that it should be... A broken-heart song, so to say," he explained, "But suddenly things started to change between us. I'm not just talking about the things between you and me, but between the five of us. We don't talk like friends anymore, we don't share jokes anymore... It's a sad situation, and it had me thinking..." Uruha paused, "How did things turn this way? How come we stop being friends, or was friendship only worth that much? Was it so vulnerable?"
It shouldn't be vulnerable. God, it was too sad to think about, as Ruki remembered how the five of them met. Even with one glance, he had thought that there was something special between the five of them that wouldn't loose to a storm or a blizzard. He had thought that they had a 'friendship' that wouldn't fail to anything.
"At that point, I came to think about our relationship and how I had wanted it to return to the way it used to. To the days we used to laugh together, play pranks on each other... Those were the days that I treasure the most..." Uruha sniffed softly, "The song was halfway done when my thoughts changed, and somehow it had turned into me wishing for things to be normal again. I finished the song with the thought: I want to forget what had happened and I want our friendship to be back as it used to. It's impossible, I know, the memory is going to linger for the rest of my life, and I don't expect any of us would forget about it either. I know there's a part of that guilt that will remain in me no matter how long it takes, but I think it's something I have to endure in order to grow up."
Uruha lifted his gleaming eyes at Ruki. "I miss being friends with you again. With Aoi. With everyone. I miss the five of us sitting together and laugh over Reita's stupid jokes. I miss all that..."
Ruki could feel his eyes warming up, hearing that. He barely heard Reita mumbling, 'my jokes aren't stupid...'
"I say this and that, Ruki, but the point is, the song is about me..." Uruha breathed, "About me... Letting you go."
And the cheating pair of tears slid down from Ruki's eyes. Letting me go? Ruki wiped the liquid off his cheeks in a rush, ashamedly.
"I let you go, and believe me when I say that you're a damn high price I have to pay if I wanted our friendship to be mend," Uruha continued, "But I have to. I want things to get better between us. All of us... I want us to forgive each other and move on."
Uruha's eyes flickered a brief second, before he pushed his hands against the sofa he was sitting at and stood up. "Wait just a second," he said, leaving the puzzled Ruki and Reita in the living room, heading towards his bedroom. He was back not a minute later, his fist clutching something inside. He sat with a smile on his face and reaching out, he gestured Ruki to stretch out an arm. Ruki did what he was told.
A silver chain necklace was placed carefully on Ruki's opened palm. The pendant was something like an ancient key, its edges curved elegantly, and there was a single stone - gleaming in its beautiful purple shade - in the middle of it. "This is..." Ruki breathed, looking at the item in his hand that Uruha had just given him.
"My birthday present, from you, yes..." Uruha replied gently, with his hands, he moved Ruki's fingers to clasp closed, enwrapping that necklace in his grasp, "I have to give it back, Ruki, I'm sorry. It's not that I don't like it, infact I love it a lot. But as I said, I have to let go..." Uruha was smiling when Ruki looked up at him. "I loved you. I still love you, and I don't think I will love you less even as time goes by. But I have to love you in a different way now, Ruki. I have to have a future, and so do you. This..." Uruha patted Ruki's fist inside his grasp, "This is our past, my past. I give it back to you. Now let's put everything behind, and let's move on. Okay?"
Ruki couldn't answer because at that point, he was sobbing stupidly, tears flowing down from his already-sore eyes.
"Hey..." Uruha moved and kneeled in front of Ruki, "Hey, don't cry, Ru... It's okay..." He gathered Ruki into his hold, and soon Ruki was soaking Uruha's t-shirt wet with his tears.
"You're..." Ruki stuttered, trying to breathe between his sobbing, "You're not angry at me?"
"No, never. I'm never angry at you, Ru..." Uruha whispered, shakily, and Ruki didn't really want to look at his face to check if he was crying too or not. He wasn't sure if the sight wouldn't bring him to worse tears. "Are you angry at me?" Uruha asked back.
Ruki shook his head, lost for more words, choking his breath as Uruha took him deeper into his hold. A hand came stroking his head and Ruki thought about his long, miserable and useless self-blaming tendency (to use Reita's term). He just never knew that Uruha had felt the same too, that he had gone through the same troubles too. But now that Ruki had found out that Uruha had let go... It felt like the most relieving feeling he had had for such a long time.
He might've missed a word in the paragraphs Uruha had written, but now he was pretty sure of what it was. The word was forgiveness.
===
fanfic list for previous chapters and other titles.
Chapter: 18/??
Author: chuu ( akichuu)
Fandom: JRock, Gazette
Pairings: AoiXRuki. ReitaXKai
Overall Rating: NC-17
Genre: Smut. But it's sort of fluffy at some parts. Watch for some angst too.
Warnings: ManXMan sex scenes, language--just sometimes, over-exaggerated romance scenes. Un-beta-ed mistakes.
Summary: ... Uruha was smiling when Ruki looked up at him. "I loved you. I still love you, and I don't think I will love you less even as time goes by..."
Comments: Err... Just go on and read. You want to know what the confrontation between those two might bring, don't you?
- 18 -
Once the door opened for both of them, Ruki knew that there was no running away, not anymore. There was no way he could turn around and rush to find himself a quick escape. He knew better than to be so rude, and anyways, wasn't this what he had wanted all the time? To reconcile? To set things right where they belonged? He had wanted this relationship - that had sadly gotten torn apart along with the disaster took place - to be fixed, and he had been thinking for a fresh start, although he hadn't had the slightest idea how to start one.
Once the owner of the apartment led them into the genkan, Ruki knew he just had to go along with whatever Reita wanted him to do, and he should forget about trying to run away now. He should, especially with those inquiring eyes set right on him. That man was surely wondering too, what the hell was Reita and Ruki doing here now? And while Reita was taking off his shoes, Ruki was being a little panicked thinking about what would be appropriate to say.
"Hey, Uru," Reita greeted casually, as if the situation wasn't queer at all. Oh how Ruki wanted to punch his face so god damned much right now...
"Hey..." the man Reita had addressed to replied, apprehensively, or that was just how Ruki had heard it. He didn't say anything if he was apprehensive, though, he didn't even question - yet. He just gestured them to enter his living room.
That was only when Ruki noticed his surrounding. The place had completely changed! He spun on his heels to see that he was really, really in Uruha's apartment, because nothing there were like the way they had been back then. The living room that Ruki was in right now was not exactly how he had remembered it the last time he came here - and that should be... Months ago. The location of the things had changed, obviously. Ruki remembered that the TV had used to lean on that wall, the long sofa facing it. But now the TV was placed on another wall, the sofa leaned to the wall where the TV had used to be. The curtains hanging on the window gave the place a new color. He never knew that Uruha had a taste for burgundy color, but it was that exact color now. Uruha had mixed it with salem-nuanced ornaments and that had successfully given the place a warm feeling.
Oh. Uruha had even bought new carpet... Ruki looked down on a soft light-brown carpet right under his feet.
"I love the place, Uru!" Reita's statement startled Ruki, making him lift up his face at the bassist, who - just like he was - was admiring the place.
Uruha was standing, leaning his back to the kitchen table, arms folded on his chest. He was smiling. "Really? What do you think about the carpet?" he asked.
Reita looked down on the carpet Ruki had just been looking at a while before. The bassist grinned as he lifted his face back to meet Uruha's. "It looks great, actually. It's not really your color, isn't it?"
Reita and Uruha was discussing colors while Ruki stood nervously, eyes down at the light-brown carpet, jittery fingers clutching the rim of his own jacket. He had nothing else better than wondering what to do. As he lifted his face, Ruki tried giving a scolding look at Reita, but Reita wasn't looking at him at all to notice him. Wasn't it only proper if Reita started explaining just why had be brought Ruki here? Not that Ruki hated to be in Uruha's apartment, but considering the situation, he would need a very good reason to be here now. Now, after a good long few months.
Not until someone called his name that Ruki woke up from his contemplation. "Ruki? Is that the new hair-style?" And he saw Uruha smiling at him, making him - unavoidably - blush.
At first it didn't feel like Uruha was talking to him. After a long while of not having a proper conversation with the guitarist, it felt very much odd to be starting one now, and Uruha's question seemed so casual, so effortless. He had uttered it as if nothing had ever happened between the two of them.
"Yes, yes it is..." he stuttered to answer, his hand roamed up to his hair almost unconsciously, touching the now-messy-hairdo. He could see Uruha staring at him from between the streaks of hair that fell carelessly in front of his eyes, and Uruha was still smiling. God. It's been a while since I've seen that smile...
"Auburn, huh?" Uruha walked towards the two that were standing in the middle of his living room, "It makes you look mature, somehow."
Mature. That was first. Was that how he looked now? He knew that blonde had always made him look younger than he really was, and maybe that had been one of the reasons why he had picked other color but blonde. Maybe it would be a good thing to look mature once in a while...
"God, I'm being rude..." might be realizing Ruki's nervousness, Uruha shuffled his feet against the carpet, just halfway before reaching Reita and Ruki. He made a turn towards the kitchen, "Sit down, please. Make yourselves comfy. What do you want to drink? Have you had dinner?"
Ruki didn't really want to drink or eat anything although the taste of soda that he had had in the car made his tongue dry, but Reita mumbled 'tea would be fine' to Uruha, walked towards Ruki and with a hand resting on his shoulder, the bassist led him towards the long sofa. They sat there, Ruki gazing at Uruha who had gone busy in the kitchen.
"Reita..." Ruki murmured, very, very softly, eyes still stuck on the guitarist who was now making tea there in the kitchen, "Why did you bring me here?"
The hand that Reita placed on Ruki's shoulder pat him gently. "Just so you know that I was saying the truth," he answered, making Ruki turn his sight at him, confused as he found Reita was smiling, "About forgiveness. About moving on."
Forgiveness. Ruki could remember what Reita had said in their little drama in the car and how he didn't think he had the right to believe it. He was not in the position to be forgiven, none the least. So maybe Uruha had transformed his whole apartment to a new appearance, but did that mean anything? Was that supposed to be a sign or something that Uruha had forgotten about the past? It was too hard to believe; if Uruha was a normal person, a human being with feelings and grudge, he should - at least - still hate Ruki.
Uruha walked in to the set where they were waiting for him, carrying a tray with cups and a tea pot on top of it, vapor emitting vaguely from the pot's mouth. He placed it on top of the table in front of the long sofa where Ruki and Reita was sitting on, and he nodded at the two. "Help yourselves, 'kay?"
Ruki felt clumsy, to say the least, even with Reita between him and Uruha. But then he shifted to get his cup and poured himself the nice, soothing scented liquid from the pot. It was jasmine tea... Funny, but now the details of Uruha's favorites were running through his mind, as if the scent of the tea was deliberately bringing them all back into his memories. Uruha liked jasmine tea, that's one. And he liked cremed coffee. And then vanilla ice cream. Ruki smirked, unconsciously, as he blew the hot tea gently.
He could even remember Uruha's favorite potato chips' taste: barbeque.
"So..." Uruha started, "What brought you two here?"
Ruki noted the soft, apprehensive tone in Uruha's voice, and he didn't even wonder why it was there.
It was Reita who, finally, took the initiative to answer that question. "We're here to... Talk about your song," he said, and Ruki lifted his eyes at the bassist in panic. What the hell?? Did Reita bring him here to talk about what sort of troubles those damned tabs had brought him? Ruki couldn't start explaining how those tabs had jeopardized his relationship with Aoi and costed him his mental stability... But then, before Ruki could protest, Reita continued, "Ruki hasn't been in his... Best condition, lately. And to tell you the truth, he hasn't finished the lyrics."
"Oh," Uruha replied softly, Ruki could feel his inquiring pair of eyes resting back upon him, and it didn't feel too encouraging. "What's wrong? Are you okay?" he questioned, and somehow it made Ruki remember about his injured lip. Embarassedly, he slid it into his mouth, hoping that Uruha hadn't just noticed that.
"I'm fine, I'm just... A little tired lately," Ruki lied.
"That, and," Reita unexpectedly continued, "The fact that he's - we're both a little worried about... The guitar parts."
Ruki shifted his sight at Uruha, and he found that the guitarist's face had turned thoughtful over the statement Reita had just said. At that, Ruki knew immediately that the worry had also come into Uruha's mind, more than just this once.
"I know what you mean," Uruha said, sighing, "As you can see, I've only written my guitar parts. And you, your bass parts. And I've also done Ruki's melody. But for... For Aoi's part..." He caught up eye to eye with Ruki, "I can't do that, and even if I can, I'm not sure if he would..."
Suddenly, Aoi's behaviour and his arrogance went trough Ruki's mind. He knew exactly what Uruha was carefully implying about. Aoi wouldn't have anyone else writing his guitar parts, he'd do what he had written himself, that was how arrogant he was. A perfectionist to the bones, some might say. Normally, Aoi would have to sit with Uruha and work together, that was what it took for the two of them to complete the whole guitar sequence for their songs. But now, see if that method would work well without a blood-shed going on...
"But we're tight on schedule," Reita said, "And we can't go on like this forever."
"I know, Reita. It's bugging me too. And the tour is coming up..."
"The guys from the company are already pressing us..."
"I hate them for that, but they've got a point. We can't delay things any longer. What should we do to work things out?"
"It's hard, Uru. I've thought of a million ways but I can't be sure if any of it would work."
Ruki looked and listened to the two rounding-about, and felt totally cornered now. The band's schedule, the recording, the single release, the PV shooting, the tour. Oh God. None would go as planned, if they were still as they were right now.
"I... I'm sorry..." Ruki didn't have any idea that his voice could sound so tiny, so helpless. He sounded as if he was a baby, but even that could make the attention of the two men who were just talking with each other turn to him. "I'm sorry," Ruki said again, "It's... It's my fault..."
"What is your fault?" Uruha asked, didn't seem to get what Ruki was talking about.
"Everything," Ruki sighed. It might be time to be all out and just spell it all down right: it was his fault. "Everything is my fault. If only I... I hadn't..." It felt hard to start talking about the past that he wished he could just throw away out of the window, but he should. "You know what I'm talking about, and it is all my fault. Reita had been trying to tell me that it's not," Ruki gazed aside at the bassist, "But it is. We wouldn't have been dealing with this shit if only I hadn't..."
"Ruki," Uruha cut off, "That's the past."
"I know, but..." Ruki stuttered, "But I was wrong..."
"So you were. But so was I. And so was Aoi, if I am allowed to say. All of us were wrong," Uruha murmured. Odd, Ruki had already heard those coming from Reita, but now that it was Uruha who was telling him that, it felt very much different.
"But none of us would be wrong if I hadn't started it," Ruki insisted.
"Who started what? There's no way to be sure about that..." Uruha replied.
"Try convincing him that, Uru. I'd done that till my mouth ran dry," and Reita cut off.
"Well... For someone who had gone through the experience first hand, I can only say that it's normal to blame yourself. I mean, I've done that too... God, I blamed myself so bad, Reita should be the right person to tell you what I was like..." Uruha looked at Reita, smirking.
Reita nodded slowly, an understanding smile stretching on his lips.
"I felt like... The world's most convicted man who shouldn't be let alive, to say the least. I wanted the world to just throw me away and hate me, lock me in a cage or something, because I thought that was exactly what I deserved," Uruha mumbled, eyes wandering to places that seemed unreachable for both Reita and Ruki, "The realization that I had hurt the one I love... Yes, that would be you, Ruki," Uruha nodded with a gentle smile towards Ruki, "Realizing that I had hurt you, that was one thing, and it already felt terrible. But the regret I had had to deal with afterwards... That was the most painful thing I've ever known. It was so unbearable, that honestly... I had had my moments thinking about killing myself," Uruha lowered his gaze, his smile grew sadder by every word he said, "Desperate as I was, I could still think about the consequences, though. I thought about my family, my friends, the band. I couldn't disappoint them. So I started to turn towards alcohol, thinking that maybe that could take the pain away... Funny, but it is only now that I realize how stupid I have been. The alcohol only made things worse, and not to mention the hangovers..."
Reita chuckled at that.
"I was a bitchy drunk, wasn't I, Reita-chan? It's not just the alcohol, but it was myself who had tortured Reita to a point where he should've just ditched me as a friend. But he didn't, thank God..." Uruha smiled at Reita, "I've given Reita trouble more than he could handle, but he never showed that to me. One day I looked at him and I saw that exhaustion in his eyes, I knew it was me who had put it in there... That's when I came to a point where I thought: You know what, Reita had had enough. I should stop doing this to him. And that night when I finally decided that I should start standing on my own feet, I left Reita's place."
Ruki listened and realized even more just what a precious friend Reita was, not just for him, but for all of them.
"And yes, Reita, working on the interior did do me good," Uruha giggled to a joke that seemed only he and Reita shared, "It did me good and probably that was the one thing I should've done in the first place, getting myself busy. I was only busy thrashing myself at your place..."
"And thrashing my place," Reita added, and he received a louder giggle from Uruha.
"And thrashing your place," Uruha agreed, "I was only busy making myself a lousy jerk, an asshole. I was an annoying prick that wouldn't leave you in peace. I was anything you'd call me, Reita. I know I deserve every one of it."
This time, Reita giggled. "Good, then. So you won't protest the next time I call you names..."
Ruki couldn't help to stretch a small smirk too at Reita's joke. The bassist always knew how to come up with a laughable comment in all situations, good or bad. Most people would think of him as a silly, ignorant person for doing that, but for Ruki, it was actually a talent that not everyone owned.
"Ruki..." Ruki startled his sight back at Uruha at the mentioning of his name, "I wouldn't mind saying sorry again, if only that could make things right. I'd even go to Aoi and risk getting killed if that is what it takes for us to be okay again. If anybody could tell me, just what exactly I should do to get things back the way they used to be, I'd do anything."
"Uruha, I..."
"I've been through what I should say, the lowest point of my life, but that is my turning point, and I thought I just had to look forward from there," Uruha didn't let Ruki continue.
"Listen, Ruki..." he sighed, "If you really want to know what the song is about, I'll just spell it out to you. Maybe the things that I wrote on the tabs gave you a misconception. The song, when I started writing it, was - honestly - about losing you. I can't help the feeling and to tell you the truth, I don't think I ever want to deny it, because I did feel the worst loss when you took off from my life. That time, I decided that it should be... A broken-heart song, so to say," he explained, "But suddenly things started to change between us. I'm not just talking about the things between you and me, but between the five of us. We don't talk like friends anymore, we don't share jokes anymore... It's a sad situation, and it had me thinking..." Uruha paused, "How did things turn this way? How come we stop being friends, or was friendship only worth that much? Was it so vulnerable?"
It shouldn't be vulnerable. God, it was too sad to think about, as Ruki remembered how the five of them met. Even with one glance, he had thought that there was something special between the five of them that wouldn't loose to a storm or a blizzard. He had thought that they had a 'friendship' that wouldn't fail to anything.
"At that point, I came to think about our relationship and how I had wanted it to return to the way it used to. To the days we used to laugh together, play pranks on each other... Those were the days that I treasure the most..." Uruha sniffed softly, "The song was halfway done when my thoughts changed, and somehow it had turned into me wishing for things to be normal again. I finished the song with the thought: I want to forget what had happened and I want our friendship to be back as it used to. It's impossible, I know, the memory is going to linger for the rest of my life, and I don't expect any of us would forget about it either. I know there's a part of that guilt that will remain in me no matter how long it takes, but I think it's something I have to endure in order to grow up."
Uruha lifted his gleaming eyes at Ruki. "I miss being friends with you again. With Aoi. With everyone. I miss the five of us sitting together and laugh over Reita's stupid jokes. I miss all that..."
Ruki could feel his eyes warming up, hearing that. He barely heard Reita mumbling, 'my jokes aren't stupid...'
"I say this and that, Ruki, but the point is, the song is about me..." Uruha breathed, "About me... Letting you go."
And the cheating pair of tears slid down from Ruki's eyes. Letting me go? Ruki wiped the liquid off his cheeks in a rush, ashamedly.
"I let you go, and believe me when I say that you're a damn high price I have to pay if I wanted our friendship to be mend," Uruha continued, "But I have to. I want things to get better between us. All of us... I want us to forgive each other and move on."
Uruha's eyes flickered a brief second, before he pushed his hands against the sofa he was sitting at and stood up. "Wait just a second," he said, leaving the puzzled Ruki and Reita in the living room, heading towards his bedroom. He was back not a minute later, his fist clutching something inside. He sat with a smile on his face and reaching out, he gestured Ruki to stretch out an arm. Ruki did what he was told.
A silver chain necklace was placed carefully on Ruki's opened palm. The pendant was something like an ancient key, its edges curved elegantly, and there was a single stone - gleaming in its beautiful purple shade - in the middle of it. "This is..." Ruki breathed, looking at the item in his hand that Uruha had just given him.
"My birthday present, from you, yes..." Uruha replied gently, with his hands, he moved Ruki's fingers to clasp closed, enwrapping that necklace in his grasp, "I have to give it back, Ruki, I'm sorry. It's not that I don't like it, infact I love it a lot. But as I said, I have to let go..." Uruha was smiling when Ruki looked up at him. "I loved you. I still love you, and I don't think I will love you less even as time goes by. But I have to love you in a different way now, Ruki. I have to have a future, and so do you. This..." Uruha patted Ruki's fist inside his grasp, "This is our past, my past. I give it back to you. Now let's put everything behind, and let's move on. Okay?"
Ruki couldn't answer because at that point, he was sobbing stupidly, tears flowing down from his already-sore eyes.
"Hey..." Uruha moved and kneeled in front of Ruki, "Hey, don't cry, Ru... It's okay..." He gathered Ruki into his hold, and soon Ruki was soaking Uruha's t-shirt wet with his tears.
"You're..." Ruki stuttered, trying to breathe between his sobbing, "You're not angry at me?"
"No, never. I'm never angry at you, Ru..." Uruha whispered, shakily, and Ruki didn't really want to look at his face to check if he was crying too or not. He wasn't sure if the sight wouldn't bring him to worse tears. "Are you angry at me?" Uruha asked back.
Ruki shook his head, lost for more words, choking his breath as Uruha took him deeper into his hold. A hand came stroking his head and Ruki thought about his long, miserable and useless self-blaming tendency (to use Reita's term). He just never knew that Uruha had felt the same too, that he had gone through the same troubles too. But now that Ruki had found out that Uruha had let go... It felt like the most relieving feeling he had had for such a long time.
He might've missed a word in the paragraphs Uruha had written, but now he was pretty sure of what it was. The word was forgiveness.
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fanfic list for previous chapters and other titles.