Yomenai Kotoba 17/?? - AoiXRuki, ReitaXKai
Title: Yomenai Kotoba
Chapter: 17/??
Author: chuu ( akichuu)
Fandom: JRock, Gazette
Pairings: AoiXRuki. ReitaXKai
Overall Rating: NC-17
Genre: Smut. But it's sort of fluffy at some parts. Watch for some angst too.
Warnings: ManXMan sex scenes, language--just sometimes, over-exaggerated romance scenes. Un-beta-ed mistakes.
Summary: ... Ruki didn't know what was in Reita's mind now, but seeing that determined look in those eyes, Ruki knew Reita was up to something...
Comments: The conversation hasn't ended, guys. Go read...
- 17 -
Slowly, Ruki sipped in the soda, being slightly comforted with how the liquid crackled in his throat. It wasn't too cold anymore because the ice had melted all over, but it was the best that he had got right now. With his other hand, the hand that wasn't holding the soda-cup, Ruki held the paper pack over his lap, making sure that the french fries inside of it didn't fall out. The car ran over rocky roads and Ruki held the pack tighter.
"Hey,"
Reita's voice made him turn his face to the side, catching the sight of Reita trying to focus between driving and watching Ruki.
"I told you to eat those, Ru," he said, "Not just to hold it on your lap like that..."
Ruki stared at his friend for a while. Funny, he felt as if he didn't understand what Reita was telling him to do, like Reita had not just said something with a language he understood. But nothing felt understandable now... He felt numb. His brain was numb, it didn't seem to work properly anymore. Probably when he had cried his eyes out in front of Reita, he had drained himself dry, including his reasonable mind. Eat these? Ruki pursed his lips, dropping his sight to the pack of french fries. He knew he hadn't the appetite, but Reita could be bitchy when it concerned him and his health. Ruki knew Reita would never stop telling him to eat, and worse, he might even pull over and choke these into Ruki's mouth if he didn't just go and do what he was told to do. Oh, Ruki wouldn't like that... So then he took a stick out of the pack and put it in his mouth, half-heartedly.
This was just to stop Reita from being a noisy mommy.
The french fries tasted bitter. But so was the soda. So Ruki judged it wasn't the food's fault. His tongue just didn't want to cooperate at the moment, that if you would even put a whole spoon of salt into his mouth, it would taste just as bitter.
"Good boy," Reita mumbled, and Ruki saw him smiling. At that, Ruki encouraged himself to put in another french fries into his mouth.
God, how he was thankful that he was here right now, at Reita's side. When he had made that call, he wasn't really thinking about finding himself an escape, but now he found that he was, actually, running away. It didn't feel too comfortable and he knew it was terribly wrong to make his friend a shelter from his troubles, and he sure did feel guilty towards Reita. But Reita... Reita had always been the best escape he could find. Reita had always been there, voluntarily most of the times, when he needed someone. It had never even mattered what the problem was.
Was he being a cruel person, thinking about Reita this way? Was he being mean, dragging Reita into his misery?
"Ru..."
Reita's voice startled him once again.
"Ru, do you want me to talk to Aoi?" Reita asked, slowly, carefully.
The french fries in his mouth suddenly tasted even more bitter than before. Ruki shook his head rushedly. "No! Don't, Reita," Ruki objected, "It's my problem, not yours..." And even if he said that, look at where he was right now... Having just bawled and poured his matters out of his chest to Reita's lap. By doing so, hadn't he already dragged Reita into his problems? Oh he's such a hypocrite...
But hypocrite or not, he couldn't let anyone else - especially Reita - to take up his place for the blaming. It was solely his.
"But you can't just leave it like that..." Reita looked at him with deep, heart-melting sympathy in his eyes. This was something that sometimes Ruki couldn't deal with, those eyes Reita was making in front of him. And Reita continued, "You can't let this matter go unspoken."
"I'll - I'll talk to him..." Ruki stuttered, "I will. I just... I just need... Some time to..."
Ruki silenced. To what? To prepare just what exact words he could say to Aoi? To sort things out and smile and hope they'd go back to normal again, as if it was even possible? To what? Ruki didn't really know what to do, and he didn't think he'd figure out anything any sooner. He didn't even think he could face Aoi without feeling nervous from now on...
He lowered his face and met the paper pack. The icon of the restaurant and its colors came disturbing his senses, and they seemed to dance irritably in his mind. Feeling disgusted by the mere colors, he lifted his gaze to the scenery ahead of him. The car roared as it sped over a rather empty streets. He didn't know where Reita was driving him to... Maybe he was just going round and round, heading to nowhere specific. Maybe Reita was just getting Ruki some time and space that were enough to make him forget about what had happened. But whatever or wherever Reita was thinking to lead them both to at the moment, Ruki was thankful. He didn't want to go home to Aoi's, not yet.
"Reita..." he whispered, halting just one short second, "Thank you."
"Huh?" Reita turned his face at Ruki, stopping the car at a red light, "What?"
"Thank you," Ruki met him by the eyes, "For listening to me. I know it sucks -"
"No it's not."
"Yes it is. I know it sucks to listen to people whining, but you listened to me. So..." Ruki sighed, "Thank you."
Reita looked at him thoughtfully. "You're my friend, Ruki. I listen when my friend needs to be listened to."
"Yes. That's why, thank you. I didn't know who else to talk to..."
True. Who else could Ruki turn to? Who else but Reita? To look at the circle of friends he was living in at the moment, there really wasn't any other choice.
Reita stepped on the gas slowly as the green light blinked on. "Yeah, well..." he mumbled, "I told you, you can always run to me when things go bad..."
Oh yes, Reita had told him that... But for how long? How long would Ruki do this to him? Making him an escape, making him a place where he could dump his troubles... He always thought he brought nothing but trouble for Reita, and he hated the feeling. Wonder why Reita hadn't complained already...
"God, if only you were my lover..." Ruki didn't know where the hell did that come from, but he blushed right after he said it. Sometimes his mouth needed tutoring of what was proper to say and what was better left unsaid. He peered aside and found Reita looking at him, brows lifted high on his forehead. Oh great. Now he must be thinking I've gone crazy... "No, I mean... You know, I was just..." Ruki stuttered nervously, "I didn't mean..."
Reita laughed. Oh yes, he must be thinking that Ruki had lost his mind now...
"Ruki, no offense, but we're so not meant to be lovers. You know that, don't you?" Reita giggled, spinning the wheel to the left, "Lovers don't come over and bawl on each other's shoulders..."
At that, Ruki laughed too. "Yeah, you're right... Lovers tend to yell at each other and break up."
"Exactly," Reita's giggle turned into a gentle smile, "I don't want that to happen between us... So, no, thank you, Ruki-chan. I think I'll have to miss your offer..."
Ruki laughed louder, and oddly, he felt so much better all of a sudden. Oh he sure needed to laugh... "Oh great, I've just been rejected by Reita..." he said, "But thank God, because now I can still come over and bawl at your shoulder."
"Or jacket. Whichever. But yes, you've got my point," Reita grinned as he shrugged at the jacket he was wearing. Ruki blushed because he could remember well how he had spent some long minutes crying there. There had been a pool of tear stain there on the jacket's surface, but it was dry and gone now.
"You're right. I mean, if we were lovers, things would've been so complicated, right?" Ruki shifted his sight ahead, back at the constantly-changing scenery in front of him, "Let's say... You are my boyfriend and then you cheat on me, that would hurt me and I'm gonna have to hate you for as long as I live. I won't ever want to know you again, or even to know you're alive. That should suck."
Reita made a hum, approving. But then he continued, "What makes you think I'd cheat on you?"
Ruki turned his sight, Reita's words somehow made him want to smile. "Are you saying you won't?"
Reita looked at him thoughtfully before he smiled as well. "Anybody who cheats on you is a moron," he said, "I guess, if I ever was your lover, I'd be taking a very good care of you. You know... Treat you good... Things like that," Reita shrugged, a beam of reddish blush appearing on his cheeks, "You just don't deserve to be hurt. Nobody deserves to be hurt..."
Ruki silenced as he stared at Reita, trying to judge whether his friend was saying the truth or was it all just a bunch of crap. But Reita would never lie to him. "Aww..." Ruki sighed, "Now I really want you to be my lover..." he stretched a bitter smile, "But no. You'd rather not be my lover, because if you wouldn't cheat on me, then I would cheat on you... I have a tendency to do that, don't I? To cheat on my lovers?"
He could see how Reita immediately frowned. "Ru..." he started, but Ruki shook his head before he continued, "No, Reita, I have to claim myself guilty for this one. It's not just some... Self-blaming tendency, as you might call it. It's the truth. See how many relationships I've ruined because of this? You've been there, you know all about it..."
"But..."
"Uruha was just one case that sadly became the worst of all, because he was one of us. He's one of the band members. And I cheated on him with another band member, with his friend. How not-guilty could you plea me for that?" Ruki kept that smile stretched out eventhough his heart was aching, uttering every single word so easily. It was as if he was talking about someone else, not himself, "I hurt my own friends. The people who I claimed to love. I cheated on them."
"Ru... Stop..."
Ruki didn't want to hear Reita's complain. He knew Reita hated him for this, for starting to blame himself like this again, but he just couldn't see why he was opposing Ruki for being like this when Ruki thought, it was actually the most logical thing to do. He was guilty, so guilty that if he could, he would've already punished himself for all that he had done wrong. Why couldn't people just blame it on him too?
"No. You tell me I shouldn't blame myself. But look, we're not going anywhere good, even if you've told me that we should just forget it and move on. We're not moving on. We're stuck here. And I don't even know how the hell we can solve this matter, and walk out from the past. I don't know how... How we could ever become friends again," Ruki continued, even if the glare in Reita's eyes became more stern by every word he uttered, "I didn't believe in the thing called 'karma', but I guess I have no choice but to believe in it right now... I guess I should've seen this coming. If I hurt someone, I'm gonna get hurt too."
"Don't..."
Ruki looked at his friend sadly. His past was now swarming his brain, filling it up with sad memories, the moments when he was standing, watching the deprived faces of the people he loved. It made him so sick because he knew... He had put that sadness into those eyes... He had broken their hearts. Over and over again, although he had promised he would never hurt anyone ever again, he just kept doing that.
"Aoi has the reason to hurt me, I know that. He can't trust me. That's why he said he was afraid to lose me. Because that was how it went with him. I turned right away from Uruha when he came, and what would make him think I won't do the same thing to him? To leave him right away when there's someone new?" Ruki halted, knitting his brows together, "If you think of it all over again, I'm so easy, aren't I?" he chuckled at his own words as if he was making a joke, "Offer me a smile and a sweet kiss, and I'll turn right to you. I am that easy..."
"RUKI!!! STOP IT!!"
The car made a sudden stop, tires screeching on the asphalt, and for a moment, Ruki thought that they had crashed. But no. Reita had stepped so deep on the breaks, his hands gripping on the steering wheel, quivering so badly. Looking at that, Ruki knew it would be wise to shut his mouth now...
Reita swirved the steering wheel and stepped on the gas again, he led the car towards an empty parking space in front of an unfamiliar building. Thank God, the bassist hadn't decided to start a world war in the middle of the street. Ruki looked at him, being taken down by the heated aura that Reita seemed to be burning with. He bit his lower lip nervously, and even if it hurt a little there where he was biting, Ruki didn't let it go.
He had known Reita for so long to know when he was seriously angry, and at the moment, Reita was definitely very, very angry. Reita was lowering his sight at his lap, but if he would just lift his face to meet Ruki, Ruki knew he would find those blade-sharp eyes glaring at him. Those eyes could kill, some might say...
"Ruki..." Reita's voice quivered when he started talking, "Ruki, why...? Why do you keep..." He suddenly hit the steering wheel with his fist, while Ruki could only gasp at the loud bump.
Beyond Ruki's expectations, when Reita finally lifted his eyes at him, it wasn't a deadly glare that he found in them, but it was something more like... Exhaustion. He saw plea in Reita's narrowed eyes. Hard to explain, but this sort of gaze hurt him even more than an angry glare could do. He knew without Reita having said one word, he had drawn Reita to his limits here, he had dragged Reita to meet his borders. A super-friend Reita could be, but he was still human, and a human had his boudaries of strength, of patience.
"Ruki, I care about you, you know that... I love you, for God's sakes," Reita breathed. Something prickly warm came sneaking up to Ruki's eyes again, just by the beginning of Reita's speech. Reita continued, "You're a brother I've never had, and God, I swear it, I don't want anything bad to happen to you. Because it hurts, Ruki! It hurts when I see you hurt!"
Ruki choked a breath in his throat. Oh great. He was starting to cry again.
"How can you say... How can you say what you just said, Ru? I can't... I don't want to see you like this. The last thing that I want is to start listening to you calling yourself easy. What do you think you are, a whore??"
Ruki's chest constricted at the choice of words Reita just spelled out, but he knew he couldn't complain. Yes, that's exactly what he thought of himself. A fucking whore.
"Ruki..." Reita's voice cracked up, his hands released their grip on the steering wheel, and very suddenly, he pulled Ruki's arm that Ruki hadn't had the chance to say anything. He was soon being held tight in Reita's arms, the bassist squishing him. Okay, I have just dropped all of the french fries to the floor... Thinking of that inappropriate thought, he closed his eyes, listening to Reita's quivering breathing close to his ear.
"Ruki, please stop... Please don't hurt youself like this anymore. I can't keep watching you torturing yourself, endlessly blaming yourself. You know I've never complained whenever you came to talk to me about your problems, but listening to you blaming yourself is something else. I never said anything before because, when you started to blame yourself, I could still tell myself that it was normal, that after you've gone tired over your stupid self-compensating, you'd return to be the Ruki that I knew... The cheerful, careless Ruki..."
Ruki broke apart at that and started sobbing all over again.
"I've never complained before, Ruki. But this... This..." Reita pulled back, just as quickly as he had grabbed Ruki, "I can't let you do this, Ruki. I can't let you start naming yourself a whore, for God's sakes. Because you're not! You're not!"
The hands that were gripping his arms were tight and almost strangling his blood-flow, but Ruki didn't even feel pain there. It felt hurt in his chest, and the pain was clearer than anything else he was feeling right now.
"Ruki... Ruki, listen to me..." Reita lowered his voice, trembling, "We all hurt the ones we love, whether we realize it or not. I hurt the ones I love too. We're only human, Ru, and we do make mistakes. You're not the only defective blot in the whole wide universe. You make mistakes, you apologize, and you get forgiveness. And then you move on. That's the cycle. You can't quit at one point where you feel like shit, and just pile hell above your head. Ru..." Ruki felt his tears fall like mad when Reita stroked his head, the bassist must've seen how he cried so badly, but he continued, "People has forgiven you, Ru. Why can't you forgive yourself...?"
Forgiven? He was forgiven? How could that be?
It was as impossible as he always thought it was. Reita wouldn't have forgiven him. Kai wouldn't have forgiven him. Aoi wouldn't have forgiven him. Uruha, especially, would never, ever forgive him. How could he ever be forgiven??
Reita, seeming to see that doubt in Ruki's eyes, released Ruki from his hold. He said nothing before he turned on the car again, turning his sight forward, hands steadfast on the steering wheel, and the car roared ahead, leaving the parking space behind. Ruki didn't know what was in Reita's mind now, but seeing that determined look in those eyes, Ruki knew Reita was up to something.
---
Ruki walked rushedly behind Reita, heading towards a direction he had never thought of going to, at least not now. His legs along with his conscience were screaming for him to head the other way, but his hand was gripped tight in Reita's hand, and he knew there was no running away now. He kept asking, why the fuck did Reita bring him here... Here! From all the places in the world... But Reita hadn't answered one damn question. His questions had now turned into plea, he was begging Reita to - at least - stop for one moment and explain why he had brought him here. But still, Reita didn't stop, he didn't even seem to hear him. Ruki was soon brought face to face with a door, a number that he hadn't seen for a long while. A door that he'd never thought he'd come to, ever again.
Reita knocked on the door with one hand while the other was still holding Ruki in place, stopping Ruki from running away. And when that face - that familiar face that had become unfamiliar for Ruki lately - greeted them as the door swung open, Ruki stood frozen.
===
my fanfic list, for previous chapters and other titles.
Chapter: 17/??
Author: chuu ( akichuu)
Fandom: JRock, Gazette
Pairings: AoiXRuki. ReitaXKai
Overall Rating: NC-17
Genre: Smut. But it's sort of fluffy at some parts. Watch for some angst too.
Warnings: ManXMan sex scenes, language--just sometimes, over-exaggerated romance scenes. Un-beta-ed mistakes.
Summary: ... Ruki didn't know what was in Reita's mind now, but seeing that determined look in those eyes, Ruki knew Reita was up to something...
Comments: The conversation hasn't ended, guys. Go read...
- 17 -
Slowly, Ruki sipped in the soda, being slightly comforted with how the liquid crackled in his throat. It wasn't too cold anymore because the ice had melted all over, but it was the best that he had got right now. With his other hand, the hand that wasn't holding the soda-cup, Ruki held the paper pack over his lap, making sure that the french fries inside of it didn't fall out. The car ran over rocky roads and Ruki held the pack tighter.
"Hey,"
Reita's voice made him turn his face to the side, catching the sight of Reita trying to focus between driving and watching Ruki.
"I told you to eat those, Ru," he said, "Not just to hold it on your lap like that..."
Ruki stared at his friend for a while. Funny, he felt as if he didn't understand what Reita was telling him to do, like Reita had not just said something with a language he understood. But nothing felt understandable now... He felt numb. His brain was numb, it didn't seem to work properly anymore. Probably when he had cried his eyes out in front of Reita, he had drained himself dry, including his reasonable mind. Eat these? Ruki pursed his lips, dropping his sight to the pack of french fries. He knew he hadn't the appetite, but Reita could be bitchy when it concerned him and his health. Ruki knew Reita would never stop telling him to eat, and worse, he might even pull over and choke these into Ruki's mouth if he didn't just go and do what he was told to do. Oh, Ruki wouldn't like that... So then he took a stick out of the pack and put it in his mouth, half-heartedly.
This was just to stop Reita from being a noisy mommy.
The french fries tasted bitter. But so was the soda. So Ruki judged it wasn't the food's fault. His tongue just didn't want to cooperate at the moment, that if you would even put a whole spoon of salt into his mouth, it would taste just as bitter.
"Good boy," Reita mumbled, and Ruki saw him smiling. At that, Ruki encouraged himself to put in another french fries into his mouth.
God, how he was thankful that he was here right now, at Reita's side. When he had made that call, he wasn't really thinking about finding himself an escape, but now he found that he was, actually, running away. It didn't feel too comfortable and he knew it was terribly wrong to make his friend a shelter from his troubles, and he sure did feel guilty towards Reita. But Reita... Reita had always been the best escape he could find. Reita had always been there, voluntarily most of the times, when he needed someone. It had never even mattered what the problem was.
Was he being a cruel person, thinking about Reita this way? Was he being mean, dragging Reita into his misery?
"Ru..."
Reita's voice startled him once again.
"Ru, do you want me to talk to Aoi?" Reita asked, slowly, carefully.
The french fries in his mouth suddenly tasted even more bitter than before. Ruki shook his head rushedly. "No! Don't, Reita," Ruki objected, "It's my problem, not yours..." And even if he said that, look at where he was right now... Having just bawled and poured his matters out of his chest to Reita's lap. By doing so, hadn't he already dragged Reita into his problems? Oh he's such a hypocrite...
But hypocrite or not, he couldn't let anyone else - especially Reita - to take up his place for the blaming. It was solely his.
"But you can't just leave it like that..." Reita looked at him with deep, heart-melting sympathy in his eyes. This was something that sometimes Ruki couldn't deal with, those eyes Reita was making in front of him. And Reita continued, "You can't let this matter go unspoken."
"I'll - I'll talk to him..." Ruki stuttered, "I will. I just... I just need... Some time to..."
Ruki silenced. To what? To prepare just what exact words he could say to Aoi? To sort things out and smile and hope they'd go back to normal again, as if it was even possible? To what? Ruki didn't really know what to do, and he didn't think he'd figure out anything any sooner. He didn't even think he could face Aoi without feeling nervous from now on...
He lowered his face and met the paper pack. The icon of the restaurant and its colors came disturbing his senses, and they seemed to dance irritably in his mind. Feeling disgusted by the mere colors, he lifted his gaze to the scenery ahead of him. The car roared as it sped over a rather empty streets. He didn't know where Reita was driving him to... Maybe he was just going round and round, heading to nowhere specific. Maybe Reita was just getting Ruki some time and space that were enough to make him forget about what had happened. But whatever or wherever Reita was thinking to lead them both to at the moment, Ruki was thankful. He didn't want to go home to Aoi's, not yet.
"Reita..." he whispered, halting just one short second, "Thank you."
"Huh?" Reita turned his face at Ruki, stopping the car at a red light, "What?"
"Thank you," Ruki met him by the eyes, "For listening to me. I know it sucks -"
"No it's not."
"Yes it is. I know it sucks to listen to people whining, but you listened to me. So..." Ruki sighed, "Thank you."
Reita looked at him thoughtfully. "You're my friend, Ruki. I listen when my friend needs to be listened to."
"Yes. That's why, thank you. I didn't know who else to talk to..."
True. Who else could Ruki turn to? Who else but Reita? To look at the circle of friends he was living in at the moment, there really wasn't any other choice.
Reita stepped on the gas slowly as the green light blinked on. "Yeah, well..." he mumbled, "I told you, you can always run to me when things go bad..."
Oh yes, Reita had told him that... But for how long? How long would Ruki do this to him? Making him an escape, making him a place where he could dump his troubles... He always thought he brought nothing but trouble for Reita, and he hated the feeling. Wonder why Reita hadn't complained already...
"God, if only you were my lover..." Ruki didn't know where the hell did that come from, but he blushed right after he said it. Sometimes his mouth needed tutoring of what was proper to say and what was better left unsaid. He peered aside and found Reita looking at him, brows lifted high on his forehead. Oh great. Now he must be thinking I've gone crazy... "No, I mean... You know, I was just..." Ruki stuttered nervously, "I didn't mean..."
Reita laughed. Oh yes, he must be thinking that Ruki had lost his mind now...
"Ruki, no offense, but we're so not meant to be lovers. You know that, don't you?" Reita giggled, spinning the wheel to the left, "Lovers don't come over and bawl on each other's shoulders..."
At that, Ruki laughed too. "Yeah, you're right... Lovers tend to yell at each other and break up."
"Exactly," Reita's giggle turned into a gentle smile, "I don't want that to happen between us... So, no, thank you, Ruki-chan. I think I'll have to miss your offer..."
Ruki laughed louder, and oddly, he felt so much better all of a sudden. Oh he sure needed to laugh... "Oh great, I've just been rejected by Reita..." he said, "But thank God, because now I can still come over and bawl at your shoulder."
"Or jacket. Whichever. But yes, you've got my point," Reita grinned as he shrugged at the jacket he was wearing. Ruki blushed because he could remember well how he had spent some long minutes crying there. There had been a pool of tear stain there on the jacket's surface, but it was dry and gone now.
"You're right. I mean, if we were lovers, things would've been so complicated, right?" Ruki shifted his sight ahead, back at the constantly-changing scenery in front of him, "Let's say... You are my boyfriend and then you cheat on me, that would hurt me and I'm gonna have to hate you for as long as I live. I won't ever want to know you again, or even to know you're alive. That should suck."
Reita made a hum, approving. But then he continued, "What makes you think I'd cheat on you?"
Ruki turned his sight, Reita's words somehow made him want to smile. "Are you saying you won't?"
Reita looked at him thoughtfully before he smiled as well. "Anybody who cheats on you is a moron," he said, "I guess, if I ever was your lover, I'd be taking a very good care of you. You know... Treat you good... Things like that," Reita shrugged, a beam of reddish blush appearing on his cheeks, "You just don't deserve to be hurt. Nobody deserves to be hurt..."
Ruki silenced as he stared at Reita, trying to judge whether his friend was saying the truth or was it all just a bunch of crap. But Reita would never lie to him. "Aww..." Ruki sighed, "Now I really want you to be my lover..." he stretched a bitter smile, "But no. You'd rather not be my lover, because if you wouldn't cheat on me, then I would cheat on you... I have a tendency to do that, don't I? To cheat on my lovers?"
He could see how Reita immediately frowned. "Ru..." he started, but Ruki shook his head before he continued, "No, Reita, I have to claim myself guilty for this one. It's not just some... Self-blaming tendency, as you might call it. It's the truth. See how many relationships I've ruined because of this? You've been there, you know all about it..."
"But..."
"Uruha was just one case that sadly became the worst of all, because he was one of us. He's one of the band members. And I cheated on him with another band member, with his friend. How not-guilty could you plea me for that?" Ruki kept that smile stretched out eventhough his heart was aching, uttering every single word so easily. It was as if he was talking about someone else, not himself, "I hurt my own friends. The people who I claimed to love. I cheated on them."
"Ru... Stop..."
Ruki didn't want to hear Reita's complain. He knew Reita hated him for this, for starting to blame himself like this again, but he just couldn't see why he was opposing Ruki for being like this when Ruki thought, it was actually the most logical thing to do. He was guilty, so guilty that if he could, he would've already punished himself for all that he had done wrong. Why couldn't people just blame it on him too?
"No. You tell me I shouldn't blame myself. But look, we're not going anywhere good, even if you've told me that we should just forget it and move on. We're not moving on. We're stuck here. And I don't even know how the hell we can solve this matter, and walk out from the past. I don't know how... How we could ever become friends again," Ruki continued, even if the glare in Reita's eyes became more stern by every word he uttered, "I didn't believe in the thing called 'karma', but I guess I have no choice but to believe in it right now... I guess I should've seen this coming. If I hurt someone, I'm gonna get hurt too."
"Don't..."
Ruki looked at his friend sadly. His past was now swarming his brain, filling it up with sad memories, the moments when he was standing, watching the deprived faces of the people he loved. It made him so sick because he knew... He had put that sadness into those eyes... He had broken their hearts. Over and over again, although he had promised he would never hurt anyone ever again, he just kept doing that.
"Aoi has the reason to hurt me, I know that. He can't trust me. That's why he said he was afraid to lose me. Because that was how it went with him. I turned right away from Uruha when he came, and what would make him think I won't do the same thing to him? To leave him right away when there's someone new?" Ruki halted, knitting his brows together, "If you think of it all over again, I'm so easy, aren't I?" he chuckled at his own words as if he was making a joke, "Offer me a smile and a sweet kiss, and I'll turn right to you. I am that easy..."
"RUKI!!! STOP IT!!"
The car made a sudden stop, tires screeching on the asphalt, and for a moment, Ruki thought that they had crashed. But no. Reita had stepped so deep on the breaks, his hands gripping on the steering wheel, quivering so badly. Looking at that, Ruki knew it would be wise to shut his mouth now...
Reita swirved the steering wheel and stepped on the gas again, he led the car towards an empty parking space in front of an unfamiliar building. Thank God, the bassist hadn't decided to start a world war in the middle of the street. Ruki looked at him, being taken down by the heated aura that Reita seemed to be burning with. He bit his lower lip nervously, and even if it hurt a little there where he was biting, Ruki didn't let it go.
He had known Reita for so long to know when he was seriously angry, and at the moment, Reita was definitely very, very angry. Reita was lowering his sight at his lap, but if he would just lift his face to meet Ruki, Ruki knew he would find those blade-sharp eyes glaring at him. Those eyes could kill, some might say...
"Ruki..." Reita's voice quivered when he started talking, "Ruki, why...? Why do you keep..." He suddenly hit the steering wheel with his fist, while Ruki could only gasp at the loud bump.
Beyond Ruki's expectations, when Reita finally lifted his eyes at him, it wasn't a deadly glare that he found in them, but it was something more like... Exhaustion. He saw plea in Reita's narrowed eyes. Hard to explain, but this sort of gaze hurt him even more than an angry glare could do. He knew without Reita having said one word, he had drawn Reita to his limits here, he had dragged Reita to meet his borders. A super-friend Reita could be, but he was still human, and a human had his boudaries of strength, of patience.
"Ruki, I care about you, you know that... I love you, for God's sakes," Reita breathed. Something prickly warm came sneaking up to Ruki's eyes again, just by the beginning of Reita's speech. Reita continued, "You're a brother I've never had, and God, I swear it, I don't want anything bad to happen to you. Because it hurts, Ruki! It hurts when I see you hurt!"
Ruki choked a breath in his throat. Oh great. He was starting to cry again.
"How can you say... How can you say what you just said, Ru? I can't... I don't want to see you like this. The last thing that I want is to start listening to you calling yourself easy. What do you think you are, a whore??"
Ruki's chest constricted at the choice of words Reita just spelled out, but he knew he couldn't complain. Yes, that's exactly what he thought of himself. A fucking whore.
"Ruki..." Reita's voice cracked up, his hands released their grip on the steering wheel, and very suddenly, he pulled Ruki's arm that Ruki hadn't had the chance to say anything. He was soon being held tight in Reita's arms, the bassist squishing him. Okay, I have just dropped all of the french fries to the floor... Thinking of that inappropriate thought, he closed his eyes, listening to Reita's quivering breathing close to his ear.
"Ruki, please stop... Please don't hurt youself like this anymore. I can't keep watching you torturing yourself, endlessly blaming yourself. You know I've never complained whenever you came to talk to me about your problems, but listening to you blaming yourself is something else. I never said anything before because, when you started to blame yourself, I could still tell myself that it was normal, that after you've gone tired over your stupid self-compensating, you'd return to be the Ruki that I knew... The cheerful, careless Ruki..."
Ruki broke apart at that and started sobbing all over again.
"I've never complained before, Ruki. But this... This..." Reita pulled back, just as quickly as he had grabbed Ruki, "I can't let you do this, Ruki. I can't let you start naming yourself a whore, for God's sakes. Because you're not! You're not!"
The hands that were gripping his arms were tight and almost strangling his blood-flow, but Ruki didn't even feel pain there. It felt hurt in his chest, and the pain was clearer than anything else he was feeling right now.
"Ruki... Ruki, listen to me..." Reita lowered his voice, trembling, "We all hurt the ones we love, whether we realize it or not. I hurt the ones I love too. We're only human, Ru, and we do make mistakes. You're not the only defective blot in the whole wide universe. You make mistakes, you apologize, and you get forgiveness. And then you move on. That's the cycle. You can't quit at one point where you feel like shit, and just pile hell above your head. Ru..." Ruki felt his tears fall like mad when Reita stroked his head, the bassist must've seen how he cried so badly, but he continued, "People has forgiven you, Ru. Why can't you forgive yourself...?"
Forgiven? He was forgiven? How could that be?
It was as impossible as he always thought it was. Reita wouldn't have forgiven him. Kai wouldn't have forgiven him. Aoi wouldn't have forgiven him. Uruha, especially, would never, ever forgive him. How could he ever be forgiven??
Reita, seeming to see that doubt in Ruki's eyes, released Ruki from his hold. He said nothing before he turned on the car again, turning his sight forward, hands steadfast on the steering wheel, and the car roared ahead, leaving the parking space behind. Ruki didn't know what was in Reita's mind now, but seeing that determined look in those eyes, Ruki knew Reita was up to something.
---
Ruki walked rushedly behind Reita, heading towards a direction he had never thought of going to, at least not now. His legs along with his conscience were screaming for him to head the other way, but his hand was gripped tight in Reita's hand, and he knew there was no running away now. He kept asking, why the fuck did Reita bring him here... Here! From all the places in the world... But Reita hadn't answered one damn question. His questions had now turned into plea, he was begging Reita to - at least - stop for one moment and explain why he had brought him here. But still, Reita didn't stop, he didn't even seem to hear him. Ruki was soon brought face to face with a door, a number that he hadn't seen for a long while. A door that he'd never thought he'd come to, ever again.
Reita knocked on the door with one hand while the other was still holding Ruki in place, stopping Ruki from running away. And when that face - that familiar face that had become unfamiliar for Ruki lately - greeted them as the door swung open, Ruki stood frozen.
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