Yomenai Kotoba 12/?? - AoiXRuki, ReitaXKai
Title: Yomenai Kotoba
Chapter: 12/??
Author: chuu ( akichuu)
Fandom: JRock, Gazette
Pairings: AoiXRuki. ReitaXKai
Overall Rating: NC-17
Genre: Smut. But it's sort of fluffy at some parts. Watch for some angst too.
Warnings: ManXMan sex scenes, language--just sometimes, over-exaggerated romance scenes.
Summary: ... What must he say? What must he do? If reaching out to Aoi was already so hard, what could he possibly do...?
Comments: Err... Un-beta-ed?
It's a long delay and I'm so very sorry... But here you go. I'm free from exams and I guess I can manage to post Hanabi too in the next couple of days. Short fics are going to be up too, I've been in the mood for one-shots lately...
- 12 -
He bent his back to get a better view of that space under the table, narrowing his eyes, trying to see through the dimness. It wasn't there either, there was nothing under the table but dust and... Ah. A coin. Ruki picked it up, put it in his pocket and slowly stood up. He threw his glance around the bedroom while pushing his brain to work harder. Now, seriously... Where could it be?
He then decided to try the nightstand. He walked towards it, opening the drawers and peeked inside. At what he had found, he could only blush, because there was nothing alike what he was looking for. Nothing but some tubes of lubricant. He closed the drawer, trying to supress the giggle he was about to let out (thinking that Aoi had prepared for, at least, months), and turning his attention elsewhere. The closet, maybe. He didn't remember putting those sheets there, but it deserved a shot, so he opened the closet.
No. No. Nothing but clothes.
He noticed something, though: Aoi's space needed to be tidied up.
Ruki breathed a little desperately. Where else should he go to look?
He had put them inside... His bag. The bag he brought that day to the studio, that day when Uruha handed him the tabs. He had checked his bag three times already, making sure he peered to every single hole, but they weren't there. He didn't remember taking them out of his bag. But the fact that they weren't there meant that someone had took them out. Who could it be?
Suddenly a very ugly thought stormed into his brain. Aoi had been the only one living here in this apartment, he had been the only one with access into this room, besides Ruki. What if... Aoi opened his bag and took the tabs?
With the sudden rush of adrenaline flooding through his whole body, Ruki half-ran leaving the bedroom, soon finding Aoi in the kitchen. He had been there since an hour ago, preparing dinner for the both of them. But just as he was about to call Aoi, Ruki shut his mouth back closed quickly. It wouldn't be wise. It wouldn't be wise at all. Remember what had happened the last time he mentioned about the tabs? That night that they had fought and ended up with silence and discomfort... Even though Aoi had said that he wasn't angry, Ruki had made a promise to never let that happen again, and he had been trying to be strict enough with himself not to break it.
And back then, Aoi hadn't even figured out just what exactly had Uruha written on that last page, Ruki had not had the heart to tell him. If he had... It would've been worse than just a night of silence and discomfort. If Aoi had found out... If Aoi knew...
With silent steps, he left the spot he was standing to go to Aoi's work space. His heart beat quick when he gazed around the dim spot, looking at Aoi's table, where a PC-set and various editing equipments were placed. Aoi's guitar, the ~En~ one, was standing proud on the corner, shiny as ever as if it had never been touched. Ruki walked closer, eyes staring at that black, elegant guitar, perfect with its curves. As he came within reach, he ran his fingers very very carefully on the neck, following the long track of the strings. Yeah, you lucky guitar. Aoi loves you so damn much, doesn't he? He loves you so much that sometimes it's painful to see.
Ruki lifted his eyes from facing the guitar to look around Aoi's table. There were some sheets with tabs, but those were Aoi's. Must be that song he had been struggling to finish. Trying to be as quiet as possible, Ruki scanned through every piece of paper that were scattering about. Aoi's tabs. These are Aoi's too. There were even older songs tabs. But none were Uruha's new song tabs.
It wasn't there. Ruki breathed, half-confused, half-relieved. If it wasn't there, then maybe Aoi hadn't read it at all.
He knew he was just trying to calm himself...
Ruki lifted his hand, just about to scratch the back of his neck, when suddenly he felt a quiver running through his nerves. It was the kind of quiver that he got whenever there's someone close to him. "They're under the keyboard," and the voice, no matter how soft it was, made Ruki's heart jump and fall quickly to the bottom of his stomach, giving him the worse of nauseas. He didn't have to turn around to know that it was... Aoi.
With shaky hands, Ruki reached for the keyboard, lifting it up. And yes...
Uruha's tabs were there.
And that last page, the page where Uruha had written his thoughts at, were on top, like someone had just been reading that page before leaving it there. A bitter, very uncomfortable taste crawled up from his digestion system, drying Ruki's mouth as he picked the tabs. The scribbling were somehow becoming incomprehensible to his eyes. Everything went blurry.
---
It was useless. It had been useless from the first second he sat down and tried to focus his mind on those sheets, because the more he looked at them, the harder it was to keep his mind from drifting away. He kept peering at the bedroom door that was closed. It seemed like a border he wasn't able to cross at the moment, the border that led into a room where Aoi had been since right after dinner. And some dinner it was... Ruki hated a dinner in silence, but that was just what he had, just half an hour ago. He was sitting face to face with Aoi, but Aoi had kept his attention on his food (although he hadn't eaten almost half of it) and Ruki hadn't had the courage to start talking.
Ruki could only bite deep into his lip as he looked at the door, couldn't do a thing, couldn't even go there, knock on it, open it, and look into Aoi's eyes, ask him if he were angry.
Off course he's angry!
Nobody would be happy to read something like 'I was a happy man before someone took away my lover and all I can do now is sit and watch happiness being far, far away from me' that Uruha had written, although that wasn't just how the whole paragraph summed up to. Uruha wrote this and that, making the page looked like one of his diary's pages, but the first impression that someone would've got from reading it, it wouldn't be much different than what Ruki thought. Uruha didn't write recognizable names nor places nor events, but Ruki didn't need him to.
What role was Aoi playing in the whole situation?
He's the thief. He was the one who took Uruha's happiness away, and now that Uruha was clearly stating that he hadn't let go of that grudge... That Uruha hadn't forgotten even a bit about it... Mister thief must have been offended. And to think that Aoi wasn't exactly the most understanding person on earth.
Ruki burried his face inside his arms, couldn't help feeling desperate. It had become that severe, that possessiveness, that Aoi had even felt the need to go through Ruki's personal belongings. The next thing he knew, Aoi might be running through his phone records, his mails... Maybe Aoi would even build a cage and put him inside.
Why couldn't Aoi trust him...?
It hurt. That thought that kept bugging him and wouldn't leave him alone, that Aoi was doing all this, being so possessive because he didn't trust Ruki. God... After what Ruki had gone through, after living with him for all this time, why couldn't Aoi just... Believe him?
Aoi had said he loved Ruki. And Ruki told him the same. Aoi asked him to stay. Ruki stayed. Aoi wanted to hold him when he thought he felt insecure. Ruki let him, no matter when, no matter where. Why wasn't all that enough?
What else should he do to prove that he was Aoi's, like Aoi had asked him to be?
Ruki shifted, looking at the forlorn sheets. He had only written one verse, and it was silly, it was shallow and it was definitely not his style of writing. He hated shallow lyrics and he had tried not to be an ignorant lyric writer, but God help him, he couldn't even think of one decent line right now. He thought about taking Uruha's words and just re-arrange them into a lyric. But... Then it wouldn't be his lyrics at all.
This wasn't going anywhere profitable, Ruki realized it. The feeling of not being able to unlock his ideas, of having to bang on the door repeatedly without much progress, it was frustrating. He knew he couldn't force himself when he's like this. So he stood up, taking the sheets with him, folding it carefully and he walked towards the bedroom. The door stood as if it was challenging him, daring him to enter hell that was bound to be behind it. What's Aoi doing in there? Is he asleep yet?
What should he do?
He took a very deep breath, trying to evict the nausea from his stomach, and his hand reached for the door handle, clicking it open. He pushed the door slowly, carefully, and soon the darkness of the room greeted him. He could barely see a thing if not because of the night-lamp beside the bed, showing a dark, silent figure splayed on the bed. He's asleep. Ruki observed his lover who was laying there, facing sideway. A heavy drop of a burden crushed his heart. Aoi won't even face me.
Ruki knew he had to sleep facing Aoi's back tonight, and that made him feel utterly depressed.
As carefully as he could, Ruki walked nearing his bag at one corner of the room, and placed the unfinished-lyric in it. Tomorrow they were supposed to be recording it and he hadn't had the slightest idea about how the lyrics should be. Ruki tried calming himself about how it might be the rhythm take tomorrow, the other parts might be done later on. But that thought actually scared him more, about how Aoi and Uruha was supposed to be in the same room together, working on the guitar part... God, help me. They might kill each other...
He sped up his time in the bathroom, fitting in his over-sized t-shirt and shorts, before walking towards the bed. Should I just sleep on the sofa? Ruki breathed deep again, supressing the bad ideas about how Aoi might throw him off the bed, yelling at Ruki to get a life and keep his distance away from Aoi. But as he slowly climbed up the bed, Aoi stayed silent, not a single movement. Not a single complaint. Maybe he was asleep afterall.
Ruki slipped in between the cover and the bedsheet. The warmth was enveloping him but somehow... He felt so damn cold. Above him was the dark ceiling and on his side... Aoi's back. If he was dreaming, then it was one hell of a realistic dream, but Ruki could swear that he felt Aoi's anger radiating from his back. It's sickening, and it's dragging up Ruki's discomfort out of the depth to the surface, to have to stare at Aoi's back like this.
Like he's so untouchable. When in fact Aoi was just a breath away from him.
It was painful.
A tear betrayed him and slithered down to the pillow, surprising even himself. Fuck, now I'm crying again... Ruki realized it completely how he had changed immensely lately, he had never been such a sentimental person, at least not so sentimental to be crying unconsciously like this. Aoi had changed him, he knew that. Everything that Aoi had done... How Aoi had treated him... Everything that they both had gone through... Ruki was a human being, and things that had happened would definitely change a person, even just for a bit.
What must he say? What must he do? If reaching out to Aoi was already so hard, what could he possibly do?
He bit his lower lip as more tears leaking out from the corners of his eyes, and slowly, he shifted up, leaning on one elbow. He tried peering at Aoi's face, and from his angle he could only see the side of his face... His eyes were closed. He looked deeply asleep. Aoi... As if it was audible in that quiet, dark room, Ruki heard the sound of his heart cracking bit by bit, dropping shards into his belly, bleeding him in the inside. Aoi, please tell me what I should do... Someday, even all of the smartest words in the world wouldn't be enough to explain. Someday, nothing that he did would matter. Someday Aoi wouldn't even care to try to understand.
Another pair of tears slid down Ruki's cheeks as he leaned closer to Aoi, carefully placing one kiss on Aoi's cheek. "I love you, Aoi..." he whispered as softly as possible, although Aoi might not hear at all. Aoi might not even care even if he had shouted it out, being so furious at him right now. I love you so much, if you'd only believe that... Ruki leaned back down on his pillow, clinging one hand on Aoi's waist, pressing his face onto Aoi's back, and helplessly, more tears streaming down and wetting Aoi's t-shirt.
Someday this will all be a dream, holding you, kissing you...
Someday, if this continued, he'd lose Aoi for sure.
===
fanfic list, for previous chapters and many other titles.
Chapter: 12/??
Author: chuu ( akichuu)
Fandom: JRock, Gazette
Pairings: AoiXRuki. ReitaXKai
Overall Rating: NC-17
Genre: Smut. But it's sort of fluffy at some parts. Watch for some angst too.
Warnings: ManXMan sex scenes, language--just sometimes, over-exaggerated romance scenes.
Summary: ... What must he say? What must he do? If reaching out to Aoi was already so hard, what could he possibly do...?
Comments: Err... Un-beta-ed?
It's a long delay and I'm so very sorry... But here you go. I'm free from exams and I guess I can manage to post Hanabi too in the next couple of days. Short fics are going to be up too, I've been in the mood for one-shots lately...
- 12 -
He bent his back to get a better view of that space under the table, narrowing his eyes, trying to see through the dimness. It wasn't there either, there was nothing under the table but dust and... Ah. A coin. Ruki picked it up, put it in his pocket and slowly stood up. He threw his glance around the bedroom while pushing his brain to work harder. Now, seriously... Where could it be?
He then decided to try the nightstand. He walked towards it, opening the drawers and peeked inside. At what he had found, he could only blush, because there was nothing alike what he was looking for. Nothing but some tubes of lubricant. He closed the drawer, trying to supress the giggle he was about to let out (thinking that Aoi had prepared for, at least, months), and turning his attention elsewhere. The closet, maybe. He didn't remember putting those sheets there, but it deserved a shot, so he opened the closet.
No. No. Nothing but clothes.
He noticed something, though: Aoi's space needed to be tidied up.
Ruki breathed a little desperately. Where else should he go to look?
He had put them inside... His bag. The bag he brought that day to the studio, that day when Uruha handed him the tabs. He had checked his bag three times already, making sure he peered to every single hole, but they weren't there. He didn't remember taking them out of his bag. But the fact that they weren't there meant that someone had took them out. Who could it be?
Suddenly a very ugly thought stormed into his brain. Aoi had been the only one living here in this apartment, he had been the only one with access into this room, besides Ruki. What if... Aoi opened his bag and took the tabs?
With the sudden rush of adrenaline flooding through his whole body, Ruki half-ran leaving the bedroom, soon finding Aoi in the kitchen. He had been there since an hour ago, preparing dinner for the both of them. But just as he was about to call Aoi, Ruki shut his mouth back closed quickly. It wouldn't be wise. It wouldn't be wise at all. Remember what had happened the last time he mentioned about the tabs? That night that they had fought and ended up with silence and discomfort... Even though Aoi had said that he wasn't angry, Ruki had made a promise to never let that happen again, and he had been trying to be strict enough with himself not to break it.
And back then, Aoi hadn't even figured out just what exactly had Uruha written on that last page, Ruki had not had the heart to tell him. If he had... It would've been worse than just a night of silence and discomfort. If Aoi had found out... If Aoi knew...
With silent steps, he left the spot he was standing to go to Aoi's work space. His heart beat quick when he gazed around the dim spot, looking at Aoi's table, where a PC-set and various editing equipments were placed. Aoi's guitar, the ~En~ one, was standing proud on the corner, shiny as ever as if it had never been touched. Ruki walked closer, eyes staring at that black, elegant guitar, perfect with its curves. As he came within reach, he ran his fingers very very carefully on the neck, following the long track of the strings. Yeah, you lucky guitar. Aoi loves you so damn much, doesn't he? He loves you so much that sometimes it's painful to see.
Ruki lifted his eyes from facing the guitar to look around Aoi's table. There were some sheets with tabs, but those were Aoi's. Must be that song he had been struggling to finish. Trying to be as quiet as possible, Ruki scanned through every piece of paper that were scattering about. Aoi's tabs. These are Aoi's too. There were even older songs tabs. But none were Uruha's new song tabs.
It wasn't there. Ruki breathed, half-confused, half-relieved. If it wasn't there, then maybe Aoi hadn't read it at all.
He knew he was just trying to calm himself...
Ruki lifted his hand, just about to scratch the back of his neck, when suddenly he felt a quiver running through his nerves. It was the kind of quiver that he got whenever there's someone close to him. "They're under the keyboard," and the voice, no matter how soft it was, made Ruki's heart jump and fall quickly to the bottom of his stomach, giving him the worse of nauseas. He didn't have to turn around to know that it was... Aoi.
With shaky hands, Ruki reached for the keyboard, lifting it up. And yes...
Uruha's tabs were there.
And that last page, the page where Uruha had written his thoughts at, were on top, like someone had just been reading that page before leaving it there. A bitter, very uncomfortable taste crawled up from his digestion system, drying Ruki's mouth as he picked the tabs. The scribbling were somehow becoming incomprehensible to his eyes. Everything went blurry.
---
It was useless. It had been useless from the first second he sat down and tried to focus his mind on those sheets, because the more he looked at them, the harder it was to keep his mind from drifting away. He kept peering at the bedroom door that was closed. It seemed like a border he wasn't able to cross at the moment, the border that led into a room where Aoi had been since right after dinner. And some dinner it was... Ruki hated a dinner in silence, but that was just what he had, just half an hour ago. He was sitting face to face with Aoi, but Aoi had kept his attention on his food (although he hadn't eaten almost half of it) and Ruki hadn't had the courage to start talking.
Ruki could only bite deep into his lip as he looked at the door, couldn't do a thing, couldn't even go there, knock on it, open it, and look into Aoi's eyes, ask him if he were angry.
Off course he's angry!
Nobody would be happy to read something like 'I was a happy man before someone took away my lover and all I can do now is sit and watch happiness being far, far away from me' that Uruha had written, although that wasn't just how the whole paragraph summed up to. Uruha wrote this and that, making the page looked like one of his diary's pages, but the first impression that someone would've got from reading it, it wouldn't be much different than what Ruki thought. Uruha didn't write recognizable names nor places nor events, but Ruki didn't need him to.
What role was Aoi playing in the whole situation?
He's the thief. He was the one who took Uruha's happiness away, and now that Uruha was clearly stating that he hadn't let go of that grudge... That Uruha hadn't forgotten even a bit about it... Mister thief must have been offended. And to think that Aoi wasn't exactly the most understanding person on earth.
Ruki burried his face inside his arms, couldn't help feeling desperate. It had become that severe, that possessiveness, that Aoi had even felt the need to go through Ruki's personal belongings. The next thing he knew, Aoi might be running through his phone records, his mails... Maybe Aoi would even build a cage and put him inside.
Why couldn't Aoi trust him...?
It hurt. That thought that kept bugging him and wouldn't leave him alone, that Aoi was doing all this, being so possessive because he didn't trust Ruki. God... After what Ruki had gone through, after living with him for all this time, why couldn't Aoi just... Believe him?
Aoi had said he loved Ruki. And Ruki told him the same. Aoi asked him to stay. Ruki stayed. Aoi wanted to hold him when he thought he felt insecure. Ruki let him, no matter when, no matter where. Why wasn't all that enough?
What else should he do to prove that he was Aoi's, like Aoi had asked him to be?
Ruki shifted, looking at the forlorn sheets. He had only written one verse, and it was silly, it was shallow and it was definitely not his style of writing. He hated shallow lyrics and he had tried not to be an ignorant lyric writer, but God help him, he couldn't even think of one decent line right now. He thought about taking Uruha's words and just re-arrange them into a lyric. But... Then it wouldn't be his lyrics at all.
This wasn't going anywhere profitable, Ruki realized it. The feeling of not being able to unlock his ideas, of having to bang on the door repeatedly without much progress, it was frustrating. He knew he couldn't force himself when he's like this. So he stood up, taking the sheets with him, folding it carefully and he walked towards the bedroom. The door stood as if it was challenging him, daring him to enter hell that was bound to be behind it. What's Aoi doing in there? Is he asleep yet?
What should he do?
He took a very deep breath, trying to evict the nausea from his stomach, and his hand reached for the door handle, clicking it open. He pushed the door slowly, carefully, and soon the darkness of the room greeted him. He could barely see a thing if not because of the night-lamp beside the bed, showing a dark, silent figure splayed on the bed. He's asleep. Ruki observed his lover who was laying there, facing sideway. A heavy drop of a burden crushed his heart. Aoi won't even face me.
Ruki knew he had to sleep facing Aoi's back tonight, and that made him feel utterly depressed.
As carefully as he could, Ruki walked nearing his bag at one corner of the room, and placed the unfinished-lyric in it. Tomorrow they were supposed to be recording it and he hadn't had the slightest idea about how the lyrics should be. Ruki tried calming himself about how it might be the rhythm take tomorrow, the other parts might be done later on. But that thought actually scared him more, about how Aoi and Uruha was supposed to be in the same room together, working on the guitar part... God, help me. They might kill each other...
He sped up his time in the bathroom, fitting in his over-sized t-shirt and shorts, before walking towards the bed. Should I just sleep on the sofa? Ruki breathed deep again, supressing the bad ideas about how Aoi might throw him off the bed, yelling at Ruki to get a life and keep his distance away from Aoi. But as he slowly climbed up the bed, Aoi stayed silent, not a single movement. Not a single complaint. Maybe he was asleep afterall.
Ruki slipped in between the cover and the bedsheet. The warmth was enveloping him but somehow... He felt so damn cold. Above him was the dark ceiling and on his side... Aoi's back. If he was dreaming, then it was one hell of a realistic dream, but Ruki could swear that he felt Aoi's anger radiating from his back. It's sickening, and it's dragging up Ruki's discomfort out of the depth to the surface, to have to stare at Aoi's back like this.
Like he's so untouchable. When in fact Aoi was just a breath away from him.
It was painful.
A tear betrayed him and slithered down to the pillow, surprising even himself. Fuck, now I'm crying again... Ruki realized it completely how he had changed immensely lately, he had never been such a sentimental person, at least not so sentimental to be crying unconsciously like this. Aoi had changed him, he knew that. Everything that Aoi had done... How Aoi had treated him... Everything that they both had gone through... Ruki was a human being, and things that had happened would definitely change a person, even just for a bit.
What must he say? What must he do? If reaching out to Aoi was already so hard, what could he possibly do?
He bit his lower lip as more tears leaking out from the corners of his eyes, and slowly, he shifted up, leaning on one elbow. He tried peering at Aoi's face, and from his angle he could only see the side of his face... His eyes were closed. He looked deeply asleep. Aoi... As if it was audible in that quiet, dark room, Ruki heard the sound of his heart cracking bit by bit, dropping shards into his belly, bleeding him in the inside. Aoi, please tell me what I should do... Someday, even all of the smartest words in the world wouldn't be enough to explain. Someday, nothing that he did would matter. Someday Aoi wouldn't even care to try to understand.
Another pair of tears slid down Ruki's cheeks as he leaned closer to Aoi, carefully placing one kiss on Aoi's cheek. "I love you, Aoi..." he whispered as softly as possible, although Aoi might not hear at all. Aoi might not even care even if he had shouted it out, being so furious at him right now. I love you so much, if you'd only believe that... Ruki leaned back down on his pillow, clinging one hand on Aoi's waist, pressing his face onto Aoi's back, and helplessly, more tears streaming down and wetting Aoi's t-shirt.
Someday this will all be a dream, holding you, kissing you...
Someday, if this continued, he'd lose Aoi for sure.
===
fanfic list, for previous chapters and many other titles.