Addiction: The Taste of Sin | 1/1 | AoiXRuki
Title: Addiction: The Taste of Sin
Author: akichuu
Fandom: the GazettE
Pairings: AoixRuki
Theme: 032: Never Again - Kattun @ 50stories
Rating: R
Genre: Drama, angst, slight smut
Warnings: ManXMan sex, probable typos, tenses and grammatical errors.
Disclaimers: They're not mine... yet *insert evil plans here*
Summary: If only Ruki couldn’t remember ever looking into Aoi’s eyes last night, and then thinking how dark they were yet there seemed to be some kind of light glowing from the inside out. If only he couldn’t remember telling Aoi how beautiful he was, and if only he could forget ever following his urges and touching Aoi’s face with his hands.
Comments: Gah… I seriously suck at tenses. When you read this you probably can see why I feel a bit unsettled with this story, if I am to speak in the matter of linguistics. If anyone is willing to beta this, I’ll be very happy.
Anyhow, putting tenses aside, I am relieved that, finally, after the long process of getting my groove (in smut) back, I was able to write something like this, although if you were expecting a graphic sex scene, I think you’d be a little disappointed. About this story, I intended this to be the beginning of a series of one-shots (not a multichapter fic, not yet) which, each of them, contains smut. However, this girl needs your opinion. Please help her find some self esteem so that she can write more sex scenes (some very detailed one, if possible… XD) in the future. Thank you :D
By the way, if you remember a one-shot I wrote, Runaway, this could be considered as a sequel or some sorts of that story. Both stories could be read as a stand alone, but I recommend you to read the first installment too, it kind of gives the atmosphere I intended for this story. Alright now, onto the story!
Addiction: The Taste of Sin
It was a painful morning.
The sunlight that filtered through the curtain hurt Ruki’s eyes, and it was pointless to try to shield his sight from it. He was facing the window dead straight. There was that choice of turning around and face the other way, but he would not take it. He wouldn’t-couldn’t deal with what he might find there at the other side. It could be a stretch of vacant bed sheet, a salient emptiness that would greet him, possibly giving him that unnecessary reason to be feeling so utterly wasted. But then it could very well be the absolute opposite, and this was what he feared the most.
Ruki breathed, as deep as he could without hurting his lungs. His chest felt too full. There was an emotion so huge it was pushing against his ribs, threatening to tear him apart. He wished he knew what it was and what to name it, but it seemed to be a mixture of a lot of things, starting from regret to fear. Whatever it was, it was killing him slowly, along with this monstrous hangover that was clutching his skull with a death grip, giving him very little space to think clearly.
How many glasses had he drunk last night? He didn’t normally need too much alcohol to get drunk. He guessed he must have drunk a lot. And what exactly had made him do so, knowing that he had very low tolerance for alcohol? It would’ve been something crucial, something that he needed oh so desperately to wash away, although now he knew the alcohol he had consumed did nothing more than giving him the worst headache that he had suffered from, so far.
Pulling the blanket closer to his chin, he closed his eyes. It wasn’t really cold, but oddly he couldn’t take comfort from the warmth he felt surrounding him. His head throbbed. He winced because of the pain. Some aspirin would be very useful now, but getting up from the bed might be the last thing he did before he passed out from this headache. Maybe it would go away if he just went back to sleep. The only matter now was how he could make himself fall asleep again.
He knew that it was already too late to regret ever drinking so much, but still, if he was given the option to trade his fame and fortune for a chance to rewind and alter last night’s event, he would not wait another minute. Poverty didn’t sound too bad right now. At least his life wouldn’t be as screwed as it was, after everything that he had done last night.
There’s one proof that the alcohol did no good in erasing a person’s problem. He didn’t know if it was only him, but instead of being a big, incomprehensible blur, the things that happened last night were as clear as the daylight was, permeating into the room and into his retinas. Although he wished to forget about it, about all of it, more than he wished for anything else in his life, it was playing in his head like an endless movie with a plot that was so cliché it was almost predictable. He hated such movies. He hated how his life had ended up becoming similar to such movies, and he hated it even more how he couldn’t see a way out from this matter or any kind of possibility to change things.
He couldn’t help thinking that sin tasted so sweet when it lasted. When it ended, there was only bitterness and even pain.
If only Ruki couldn’t remember ever looking into Aoi’s eyes last night, and then thinking how dark they were yet there seemed to be some kind of light glowing from the inside out. If only he couldn’t remember telling Aoi how beautiful he was, and if only he could forget ever following his urges and touching Aoi’s face with his hands. He had tried but he couldn’t get his mind off of the moment he asked Aoi to kiss him.
Another throbbing pain passed by, making him shut his eyes as tightly as he could. It wasn’t going to let him forget about last night, about the things that had destroyed his life completely. The ugly fact was that there was no one else to blame but himself. How could he be so stupid? How could he ruin what should’ve been an innocent, friendly night in a blink of an eye? He couldn’t even blame the alcohol now, because it was his choice to take a swig or not.
Ruki wondered, though, why Aoi approved his request. It must have been awfully obvious that he was drunk and that everything he said shouldn’t have been taken seriously. Why didn’t Aoi say anything? Why didn’t Aoi turn away? Why did Aoi give him the kiss that he had asked for, the kiss that now had ruined both their lives? Aoi was probably a bit drunk as well. He saw Aoi finishing his first glass. Maybe there was more than that but then he was too busy with his own glass to notice. It was the only explanation that made sense. People were most likely to have troubles in maintaining self control when they were drunk.
It didn’t explain, though, why Aoi didn’t just stop right there. Ruki was probably helpless at that point, but Aoi couldn’t have been as drunk as he was. There was clarity when Ruki looked into those black eyes, and it nearly convinced him that Aoi had been sober all the way through the night. The first kiss, that had left Ruki crackling on fire, was followed with a second, and the second was followed with a third, and the third just never ended. Aoi’s lips were eager against his, pressing delicious kisses that Ruki was only too willing to respond to. Aoi’s tongue wasn’t less vibrant as it slipped between Ruki’s parted lips and rubbed itself against Ruki’s tongue.
Somehow it hurt, deep inside of him, to remember about the way Aoi kissed him. Maybe because he knew Aoi hadn’t meant it, or maybe because of the knowledge that it wasn’t going to happen again. Either way, it was painful to remember, but it didn’t seem like he had any other choice.
His skin tingled as if a spark of electricity was running through his body when he thought about the way Aoi touched him, took him into his hold and seized him tightly. He could still feel Aoi’s heart beating against his chest, softly, with quick rhythm that almost matched his own heartbeats. The burning he felt was still here, now, inside of him and though it seemed dormant now, last night it was raging unstoppably, making him want to wreck his own skin and let the heat out. Aoi had only helped to make it worse, with the way he pressed Ruki down onto the bed and sucked his life away through the kiss they shared. Those powerful hands held him, sneaked under his shirt without permission to touch his skin and to roam freely, languidly.
Ruki squirmed under the blanket, but it was nowhere like how he squirmed under Aoi’s touch last night. He remembered gasping, taking in as much as air as he could when Aoi moved his lips onto his throat. There were too many sensations to feel all at once, Ruki felt like his brain was short-circuiting and would soon malfunction if it continued, and quite unfortunately, it did continue. Aoi’s hands, moving like a couple of snakes on Ruki’s body, were going lower onto a territory that was sacred, untouchable for others that Ruki didn’t favor.
If Ruki had been a bit sober, like he was now, he would’ve stopped and thought about how strange it was that Aoi seemed to know him so well, understand the parts of his body that enjoyed caressing more than the rest. It was almost as though they had been in such situation more than that once, and in a less inebriated condition where they could memorize everything they did with precision. But Ruki knew it had happened only in his dreams, too often and sometimes too dirty to mention. They had never touched each other like the way they did last night.
No, he wasn’t thinking as wisely as he should. If he had been thinking wisely, none of last night’s tryst would have happened. But, again, it was too late now to turn back and expect things to be different.
However, he couldn’t say he regretted completely that it all had happened. It was very indecent of him to think so but there was no point in lying to himself. Yes, he was happy, somehow, that Aoi had done him, done him good, better even than anything that he had ever experienced. How long had he imagined it happening? Too long, probably, he could still remember those days when he would arrange plots and scenes and touch himself while visualizing his hands to be Aoi’s. The sheets of his bed and the wall of his bathroom were witnesses to those desperate moments, like the mirror being witness to his self-loathing, because every time after he imagined Aoi, he would go to the said mirror, face himself and start cursing.
Now everything had truly happened. And despite it being just as perfect as Ruki had thought it would be, why did he thought it should never have happened at all?
Why did it feel bad to look back and recall the feeling that enveloped him when Aoi sucked his sensitive nipples? Why did it bother him so much to think about how it felt when Aoi took hold of his sex, tugged it and stroked it? Yes, it was amazing. It was mind blowing, as a matter of fact, and Ruki nearly lost his sanity during those moments. He was living his dreams and God how it was really far more incredible than how he had believed possible. Everything was so overwhelming that he was writhing, begging for salvation that he knew he would never get. Aoi was all there was, and onto him Ruki reached out.
He clutched, he bit, he did everything he could to release the lust that was going rampant in him, but it seemed more was coming when he thought he had freed it entirely. He heard both of them moaning, crying, whispering each other’s names and God and curses all in one sentence. Aoi was pushing his hips down and Ruki was responding by pushing back up against him. The pressure was delicious, sinful and undeniable. Ruki remembered the pleasurable feeling of Aoi’s erection sliding against his own, pressing against his stomach. It made him ache; it made him want to speed things up so that he was allowed his flight to oblivion, yet the dilemma being he wanted it to last for as long as it was possible.
His breathing sped up and he only realized he had been clutching a pillow, his claws threatening to dismember the poor object to smithereens. Pulling his knees to his chest, he tried to suppress the heat that started to build up again inside of him because of the things that his brain forced him to memorize. No, it couldn’t happen again. It didn’t matter what had happened last night, none of it would repeat itself, ever again. Reality had a way to hurt you all the time, and when you thought you had gotten used to the pain, it would come with a greater, more unpredictable force and blow you away.
Sounds of soft, almost inaudible breathing slipped amongst the chaos that was Ruki’s mind, swaying him slightly away from the madness he could hardly contain. It seemed to be luring him to turn around, to take the greatest risk in his life and face his current biggest fear. In the end, he remained still, his body refused to move one inch. Maybe this was safer, better. Maybe this way he wouldn’t have to deal with reality, at least temporarily.
Ruki knew now that Aoi was there, but whether he was awake or not, he didn’t want to find out. He contemplated to runaway, to become the coward he had always been and slip away, hopefully, unnoticed. His clothes must be down there on the floor, somewhere. If he was quick, he could grab them all, put them on and run out of the apartment before Aoi woke up, but that was if he hadn’t woken up already. Yes, he could succeed and make his escape, but then what? What about later? What about tomorrow, or the day after? How was he going to face the world then?
It had become so terribly complicated, and whose fault was it? Maybe if he hadn’t listened to the voice in his head that was trying to be heroic but ended up being a worthless provocateur in the end, he wouldn’t have been thinking about running away from life, from everything. Maybe if he had found some sort of restraint that allowed him to stop himself from going too far last night, right now he wouldn’t have been wishing the world to end.
But he was no superhuman who could set a perfect control over everything he did or felt all the time. With the way things were going last night, he found it impossible to stop or even to reconsider that what he was doing might harm him in the near future. When Aoi grabbed him and slowly penetrated him, Ruki was beyond salvation, his whole body reacting unrestrainedly to the pleasant intrusion. He remembered clinging tightly onto Aoi’s body like a desperate man trying to save himself from drowning, but it seemed that the harder he hung on, the more he was slipping away.
In spite of the guilt, it was an amazing, almost spiritual experience. Ruki was flying high above the clouds, overwhelmed by the sweet feeling of being claimed by someone else, by Aoi. It was as if Aoi was not willing to let him go, not even for a minute, with the way he kept his arms around Ruki’s body, even though their lower bodies were busy moving, making that cursed connection. Ruki felt oddly safe, protected, despite the knowledge of pain that was diligently waiting for that one moment of sanity he occasionally fell into. Aoi glided in and out of him almost naturally, knowingly, as if this was a dance they knew by heart. He was brought up, higher and higher to the point of no return with every thrust, going further away from the earth where everything only reminded him of his flawed, imperfect self.
Something whirled inside of him, deep in his bowels, when he recalled the exact feeling that he had when Aoi murmured his name in the middle of the heated moment. It sounded so amazing, coming from that blissful mouth, vibrating in that raspy tone of Aoi’s voice. It made him feel… loved, however deluded that was. He had been convinced about a lot of things that, now, became nothing but wishful thinking. Last night, it seemed alright to believe in the moment, trust Aoi to make him feel like he was the greatest existence on earth. Last night, while Aoi ravished the source of all pleasure that was located deep within his body, again and again, it seemed everything was true. He was left with very little doubt, only satisfaction, and with the same trust he held onto that undulating body that pressed down against his, letting himself be pleasured and all the while giving Aoi the chance to find pleasure in him.
It was too beautiful, which then explained why he felt like he had only woken up from a dream now. But the dull ache in his body that had risen along with his consciousness reminded him that he hadn’t dreamt the whole thing.
So now, how was he going to move on from this point? Life would never be the same again.
He stared at the slowly brightening day, masked by the curtain hanging down in front of the window. The world was moving on, but he wanted it not to. He wanted the seconds to stop ticking, the earth to stop turning. He wanted life to cease pulsing, so that he didn’t have to deal with the future that was steadily approaching. The knowledge that it would hurt him scared him so much, and if he could choose, he would rather not face it. But then here it was, staring back at him, a proof that his wishes would never come true.
The contrast between his feelings now and last night was nauseating. It was as if he was on a plane and while a moment ago it had been a peaceful, even pleasant flight, suddenly they entered a void and the plane went tumbling down, sending him on a deadly fall. His organs felt like they were being tugged upward while his body remained where it was. He wanted to throw up, but knew it wouldn’t make him feel any better, neither would it relief his worries. What was left for him to do, then? Should he pray? Yes, maybe he should. But what good would that do? Somehow he had a hunch that it would be pointless, too. Look at where he was now. Fate had listened to his earlier prayers but fate had only twisted them and made them come true in the sickest fashion ever. The joke was on him. He hoped fate had had a good laugh, because he felt utterly spent and used.
The pain steadily grew stronger, in his head and everywhere on his body. It’s not because Aoi had hurt him, no. In fact, Aoi had been the gentlest experience he had had in a while. But it was there nonetheless, that throbbing ache, all over him, inside and outside, as if someone had grabbed a baseball bat and beaten the crap out of him with it. He felt like he had been raped, abused and wasted away, a helpless victim of cruelty. But it wasn’t Aoi who had done it to him. It was none other but himself.
This irony, it was always such a pain in the ass. Didn’t it feel fantastic when Aoi gave him that final thrust that drove him to the very last layer of the atmosphere and sent him flying to the limitless space? Didn’t it feel amazing when Aoi moaned his name, filling him with so much heat that he felt as if lava had been injected into him? That ultimate grace where they both found themselves in, didn’t it feel incredible? Ruki couldn’t remember the last time he felt so wonderful, believing he hadn’t known what it was really like to make love before last night. And when Aoi ended it with a deep, attentive kiss, Ruki almost believed that the world was a beautiful place after all.
It’s different now, a hundred and eighty degrees different when he didn’t have Aoi’s arms surrounding him, Aoi’s voice calming his doubts. He felt alone and stranded, like a boat without oars while the sea was starting to roar, answering to a distant threat of storm. The blanket did no good in giving him the safety he was desperate for, but he clutched it tight around his pained body anyways, knowing that it was the closest possibility to fulfill his need.
This wasn’t going to end, this train of depressing thoughts. Until the sun was up and down again on the horizon, it would not end unless Ruki put a stop to it. He should just stop thinking. Maybe he could make it up from the bed, drag his sorry self into the bathroom. Maybe he could find his pack of cigarettes. Yes, there’s some deliverance in those poisonous sticks. At least they let him know that he was killing himself without being too obvious about it. And so he pulled himself upright, hoisting his heavy head from the bed and when the world finally stopped spinning before him, he planted his feet on the carpet on the floor.
He closed his eyes, and when he opened them, he found the same faces greeting him, the faces that had stared straight at him the very moment he got off of his heavenly heights last night. The same wide smiles and starry eyes pierced his sight, his brain, and the understanding hurt more than it did the first time he saw them. But still, no matter how much it hurt him, he couldn’t avert his eyes. They, who were smiling in a moment in the past, seemed to have come from a different universe. Ruki couldn’t recognize the scene, couldn’t find it in his memory that place and time. He didn’t know who she was, but from the look on her bright face, he knew that she had been happy when this picture was taken. Aoi had been happy too, it was clear from that grin, those sparkles in his eyes that had successfully been preserved in the picture.
Good God, it hurt. It hurt and Ruki just loathed himself, loathed reality that had turned him into this worthless being. He hung his head down, forgetting all about going into the bathroom or smoking or even running away. Even when he shut his eyes tightly he could still see those faces in the darkness behind his eyelids. He knew they would haunt him forever. A story behind a picture framed neatly and poised on top of the bedside nightstand, it would always remain in his mind, would constantly remind him of what an idiot he had been all along.
He didn’t move, not even when he felt a soft touch on his back, not even when he felt someone enveloping him in an embrace. He said nothing, not even after he heard Aoi’s voice whispering a strangled apology.
What’s done is done. Sin really does taste oh so sweet, doesn’t it?
=== END ===
A/N: As stated on the header: Please give me some support so that I can write smut again! ^^
By the way, I used the office’s laptop to write this. I wonder what my boss might say if he finds out about this XDDDDD
My 50stories AoixRuki project list ==> here
My fanfic list ==> here
Author: akichuu
Fandom: the GazettE
Pairings: AoixRuki
Theme: 032: Never Again - Kattun @ 50stories
Rating: R
Genre: Drama, angst, slight smut
Warnings: ManXMan sex, probable typos, tenses and grammatical errors.
Disclaimers: They're not mine... yet *insert evil plans here*
Summary: If only Ruki couldn’t remember ever looking into Aoi’s eyes last night, and then thinking how dark they were yet there seemed to be some kind of light glowing from the inside out. If only he couldn’t remember telling Aoi how beautiful he was, and if only he could forget ever following his urges and touching Aoi’s face with his hands.
Comments: Gah… I seriously suck at tenses. When you read this you probably can see why I feel a bit unsettled with this story, if I am to speak in the matter of linguistics. If anyone is willing to beta this, I’ll be very happy.
Anyhow, putting tenses aside, I am relieved that, finally, after the long process of getting my groove (in smut) back, I was able to write something like this, although if you were expecting a graphic sex scene, I think you’d be a little disappointed. About this story, I intended this to be the beginning of a series of one-shots (not a multichapter fic, not yet) which, each of them, contains smut. However, this girl needs your opinion. Please help her find some self esteem so that she can write more sex scenes (some very detailed one, if possible… XD) in the future. Thank you :D
By the way, if you remember a one-shot I wrote, Runaway, this could be considered as a sequel or some sorts of that story. Both stories could be read as a stand alone, but I recommend you to read the first installment too, it kind of gives the atmosphere I intended for this story. Alright now, onto the story!
Addiction: The Taste of Sin
It was a painful morning.
The sunlight that filtered through the curtain hurt Ruki’s eyes, and it was pointless to try to shield his sight from it. He was facing the window dead straight. There was that choice of turning around and face the other way, but he would not take it. He wouldn’t-couldn’t deal with what he might find there at the other side. It could be a stretch of vacant bed sheet, a salient emptiness that would greet him, possibly giving him that unnecessary reason to be feeling so utterly wasted. But then it could very well be the absolute opposite, and this was what he feared the most.
Ruki breathed, as deep as he could without hurting his lungs. His chest felt too full. There was an emotion so huge it was pushing against his ribs, threatening to tear him apart. He wished he knew what it was and what to name it, but it seemed to be a mixture of a lot of things, starting from regret to fear. Whatever it was, it was killing him slowly, along with this monstrous hangover that was clutching his skull with a death grip, giving him very little space to think clearly.
How many glasses had he drunk last night? He didn’t normally need too much alcohol to get drunk. He guessed he must have drunk a lot. And what exactly had made him do so, knowing that he had very low tolerance for alcohol? It would’ve been something crucial, something that he needed oh so desperately to wash away, although now he knew the alcohol he had consumed did nothing more than giving him the worst headache that he had suffered from, so far.
Pulling the blanket closer to his chin, he closed his eyes. It wasn’t really cold, but oddly he couldn’t take comfort from the warmth he felt surrounding him. His head throbbed. He winced because of the pain. Some aspirin would be very useful now, but getting up from the bed might be the last thing he did before he passed out from this headache. Maybe it would go away if he just went back to sleep. The only matter now was how he could make himself fall asleep again.
He knew that it was already too late to regret ever drinking so much, but still, if he was given the option to trade his fame and fortune for a chance to rewind and alter last night’s event, he would not wait another minute. Poverty didn’t sound too bad right now. At least his life wouldn’t be as screwed as it was, after everything that he had done last night.
There’s one proof that the alcohol did no good in erasing a person’s problem. He didn’t know if it was only him, but instead of being a big, incomprehensible blur, the things that happened last night were as clear as the daylight was, permeating into the room and into his retinas. Although he wished to forget about it, about all of it, more than he wished for anything else in his life, it was playing in his head like an endless movie with a plot that was so cliché it was almost predictable. He hated such movies. He hated how his life had ended up becoming similar to such movies, and he hated it even more how he couldn’t see a way out from this matter or any kind of possibility to change things.
He couldn’t help thinking that sin tasted so sweet when it lasted. When it ended, there was only bitterness and even pain.
If only Ruki couldn’t remember ever looking into Aoi’s eyes last night, and then thinking how dark they were yet there seemed to be some kind of light glowing from the inside out. If only he couldn’t remember telling Aoi how beautiful he was, and if only he could forget ever following his urges and touching Aoi’s face with his hands. He had tried but he couldn’t get his mind off of the moment he asked Aoi to kiss him.
Another throbbing pain passed by, making him shut his eyes as tightly as he could. It wasn’t going to let him forget about last night, about the things that had destroyed his life completely. The ugly fact was that there was no one else to blame but himself. How could he be so stupid? How could he ruin what should’ve been an innocent, friendly night in a blink of an eye? He couldn’t even blame the alcohol now, because it was his choice to take a swig or not.
Ruki wondered, though, why Aoi approved his request. It must have been awfully obvious that he was drunk and that everything he said shouldn’t have been taken seriously. Why didn’t Aoi say anything? Why didn’t Aoi turn away? Why did Aoi give him the kiss that he had asked for, the kiss that now had ruined both their lives? Aoi was probably a bit drunk as well. He saw Aoi finishing his first glass. Maybe there was more than that but then he was too busy with his own glass to notice. It was the only explanation that made sense. People were most likely to have troubles in maintaining self control when they were drunk.
It didn’t explain, though, why Aoi didn’t just stop right there. Ruki was probably helpless at that point, but Aoi couldn’t have been as drunk as he was. There was clarity when Ruki looked into those black eyes, and it nearly convinced him that Aoi had been sober all the way through the night. The first kiss, that had left Ruki crackling on fire, was followed with a second, and the second was followed with a third, and the third just never ended. Aoi’s lips were eager against his, pressing delicious kisses that Ruki was only too willing to respond to. Aoi’s tongue wasn’t less vibrant as it slipped between Ruki’s parted lips and rubbed itself against Ruki’s tongue.
Somehow it hurt, deep inside of him, to remember about the way Aoi kissed him. Maybe because he knew Aoi hadn’t meant it, or maybe because of the knowledge that it wasn’t going to happen again. Either way, it was painful to remember, but it didn’t seem like he had any other choice.
His skin tingled as if a spark of electricity was running through his body when he thought about the way Aoi touched him, took him into his hold and seized him tightly. He could still feel Aoi’s heart beating against his chest, softly, with quick rhythm that almost matched his own heartbeats. The burning he felt was still here, now, inside of him and though it seemed dormant now, last night it was raging unstoppably, making him want to wreck his own skin and let the heat out. Aoi had only helped to make it worse, with the way he pressed Ruki down onto the bed and sucked his life away through the kiss they shared. Those powerful hands held him, sneaked under his shirt without permission to touch his skin and to roam freely, languidly.
Ruki squirmed under the blanket, but it was nowhere like how he squirmed under Aoi’s touch last night. He remembered gasping, taking in as much as air as he could when Aoi moved his lips onto his throat. There were too many sensations to feel all at once, Ruki felt like his brain was short-circuiting and would soon malfunction if it continued, and quite unfortunately, it did continue. Aoi’s hands, moving like a couple of snakes on Ruki’s body, were going lower onto a territory that was sacred, untouchable for others that Ruki didn’t favor.
If Ruki had been a bit sober, like he was now, he would’ve stopped and thought about how strange it was that Aoi seemed to know him so well, understand the parts of his body that enjoyed caressing more than the rest. It was almost as though they had been in such situation more than that once, and in a less inebriated condition where they could memorize everything they did with precision. But Ruki knew it had happened only in his dreams, too often and sometimes too dirty to mention. They had never touched each other like the way they did last night.
No, he wasn’t thinking as wisely as he should. If he had been thinking wisely, none of last night’s tryst would have happened. But, again, it was too late now to turn back and expect things to be different.
However, he couldn’t say he regretted completely that it all had happened. It was very indecent of him to think so but there was no point in lying to himself. Yes, he was happy, somehow, that Aoi had done him, done him good, better even than anything that he had ever experienced. How long had he imagined it happening? Too long, probably, he could still remember those days when he would arrange plots and scenes and touch himself while visualizing his hands to be Aoi’s. The sheets of his bed and the wall of his bathroom were witnesses to those desperate moments, like the mirror being witness to his self-loathing, because every time after he imagined Aoi, he would go to the said mirror, face himself and start cursing.
Now everything had truly happened. And despite it being just as perfect as Ruki had thought it would be, why did he thought it should never have happened at all?
Why did it feel bad to look back and recall the feeling that enveloped him when Aoi sucked his sensitive nipples? Why did it bother him so much to think about how it felt when Aoi took hold of his sex, tugged it and stroked it? Yes, it was amazing. It was mind blowing, as a matter of fact, and Ruki nearly lost his sanity during those moments. He was living his dreams and God how it was really far more incredible than how he had believed possible. Everything was so overwhelming that he was writhing, begging for salvation that he knew he would never get. Aoi was all there was, and onto him Ruki reached out.
He clutched, he bit, he did everything he could to release the lust that was going rampant in him, but it seemed more was coming when he thought he had freed it entirely. He heard both of them moaning, crying, whispering each other’s names and God and curses all in one sentence. Aoi was pushing his hips down and Ruki was responding by pushing back up against him. The pressure was delicious, sinful and undeniable. Ruki remembered the pleasurable feeling of Aoi’s erection sliding against his own, pressing against his stomach. It made him ache; it made him want to speed things up so that he was allowed his flight to oblivion, yet the dilemma being he wanted it to last for as long as it was possible.
His breathing sped up and he only realized he had been clutching a pillow, his claws threatening to dismember the poor object to smithereens. Pulling his knees to his chest, he tried to suppress the heat that started to build up again inside of him because of the things that his brain forced him to memorize. No, it couldn’t happen again. It didn’t matter what had happened last night, none of it would repeat itself, ever again. Reality had a way to hurt you all the time, and when you thought you had gotten used to the pain, it would come with a greater, more unpredictable force and blow you away.
Sounds of soft, almost inaudible breathing slipped amongst the chaos that was Ruki’s mind, swaying him slightly away from the madness he could hardly contain. It seemed to be luring him to turn around, to take the greatest risk in his life and face his current biggest fear. In the end, he remained still, his body refused to move one inch. Maybe this was safer, better. Maybe this way he wouldn’t have to deal with reality, at least temporarily.
Ruki knew now that Aoi was there, but whether he was awake or not, he didn’t want to find out. He contemplated to runaway, to become the coward he had always been and slip away, hopefully, unnoticed. His clothes must be down there on the floor, somewhere. If he was quick, he could grab them all, put them on and run out of the apartment before Aoi woke up, but that was if he hadn’t woken up already. Yes, he could succeed and make his escape, but then what? What about later? What about tomorrow, or the day after? How was he going to face the world then?
It had become so terribly complicated, and whose fault was it? Maybe if he hadn’t listened to the voice in his head that was trying to be heroic but ended up being a worthless provocateur in the end, he wouldn’t have been thinking about running away from life, from everything. Maybe if he had found some sort of restraint that allowed him to stop himself from going too far last night, right now he wouldn’t have been wishing the world to end.
But he was no superhuman who could set a perfect control over everything he did or felt all the time. With the way things were going last night, he found it impossible to stop or even to reconsider that what he was doing might harm him in the near future. When Aoi grabbed him and slowly penetrated him, Ruki was beyond salvation, his whole body reacting unrestrainedly to the pleasant intrusion. He remembered clinging tightly onto Aoi’s body like a desperate man trying to save himself from drowning, but it seemed that the harder he hung on, the more he was slipping away.
In spite of the guilt, it was an amazing, almost spiritual experience. Ruki was flying high above the clouds, overwhelmed by the sweet feeling of being claimed by someone else, by Aoi. It was as if Aoi was not willing to let him go, not even for a minute, with the way he kept his arms around Ruki’s body, even though their lower bodies were busy moving, making that cursed connection. Ruki felt oddly safe, protected, despite the knowledge of pain that was diligently waiting for that one moment of sanity he occasionally fell into. Aoi glided in and out of him almost naturally, knowingly, as if this was a dance they knew by heart. He was brought up, higher and higher to the point of no return with every thrust, going further away from the earth where everything only reminded him of his flawed, imperfect self.
Something whirled inside of him, deep in his bowels, when he recalled the exact feeling that he had when Aoi murmured his name in the middle of the heated moment. It sounded so amazing, coming from that blissful mouth, vibrating in that raspy tone of Aoi’s voice. It made him feel… loved, however deluded that was. He had been convinced about a lot of things that, now, became nothing but wishful thinking. Last night, it seemed alright to believe in the moment, trust Aoi to make him feel like he was the greatest existence on earth. Last night, while Aoi ravished the source of all pleasure that was located deep within his body, again and again, it seemed everything was true. He was left with very little doubt, only satisfaction, and with the same trust he held onto that undulating body that pressed down against his, letting himself be pleasured and all the while giving Aoi the chance to find pleasure in him.
It was too beautiful, which then explained why he felt like he had only woken up from a dream now. But the dull ache in his body that had risen along with his consciousness reminded him that he hadn’t dreamt the whole thing.
So now, how was he going to move on from this point? Life would never be the same again.
He stared at the slowly brightening day, masked by the curtain hanging down in front of the window. The world was moving on, but he wanted it not to. He wanted the seconds to stop ticking, the earth to stop turning. He wanted life to cease pulsing, so that he didn’t have to deal with the future that was steadily approaching. The knowledge that it would hurt him scared him so much, and if he could choose, he would rather not face it. But then here it was, staring back at him, a proof that his wishes would never come true.
The contrast between his feelings now and last night was nauseating. It was as if he was on a plane and while a moment ago it had been a peaceful, even pleasant flight, suddenly they entered a void and the plane went tumbling down, sending him on a deadly fall. His organs felt like they were being tugged upward while his body remained where it was. He wanted to throw up, but knew it wouldn’t make him feel any better, neither would it relief his worries. What was left for him to do, then? Should he pray? Yes, maybe he should. But what good would that do? Somehow he had a hunch that it would be pointless, too. Look at where he was now. Fate had listened to his earlier prayers but fate had only twisted them and made them come true in the sickest fashion ever. The joke was on him. He hoped fate had had a good laugh, because he felt utterly spent and used.
The pain steadily grew stronger, in his head and everywhere on his body. It’s not because Aoi had hurt him, no. In fact, Aoi had been the gentlest experience he had had in a while. But it was there nonetheless, that throbbing ache, all over him, inside and outside, as if someone had grabbed a baseball bat and beaten the crap out of him with it. He felt like he had been raped, abused and wasted away, a helpless victim of cruelty. But it wasn’t Aoi who had done it to him. It was none other but himself.
This irony, it was always such a pain in the ass. Didn’t it feel fantastic when Aoi gave him that final thrust that drove him to the very last layer of the atmosphere and sent him flying to the limitless space? Didn’t it feel amazing when Aoi moaned his name, filling him with so much heat that he felt as if lava had been injected into him? That ultimate grace where they both found themselves in, didn’t it feel incredible? Ruki couldn’t remember the last time he felt so wonderful, believing he hadn’t known what it was really like to make love before last night. And when Aoi ended it with a deep, attentive kiss, Ruki almost believed that the world was a beautiful place after all.
It’s different now, a hundred and eighty degrees different when he didn’t have Aoi’s arms surrounding him, Aoi’s voice calming his doubts. He felt alone and stranded, like a boat without oars while the sea was starting to roar, answering to a distant threat of storm. The blanket did no good in giving him the safety he was desperate for, but he clutched it tight around his pained body anyways, knowing that it was the closest possibility to fulfill his need.
This wasn’t going to end, this train of depressing thoughts. Until the sun was up and down again on the horizon, it would not end unless Ruki put a stop to it. He should just stop thinking. Maybe he could make it up from the bed, drag his sorry self into the bathroom. Maybe he could find his pack of cigarettes. Yes, there’s some deliverance in those poisonous sticks. At least they let him know that he was killing himself without being too obvious about it. And so he pulled himself upright, hoisting his heavy head from the bed and when the world finally stopped spinning before him, he planted his feet on the carpet on the floor.
He closed his eyes, and when he opened them, he found the same faces greeting him, the faces that had stared straight at him the very moment he got off of his heavenly heights last night. The same wide smiles and starry eyes pierced his sight, his brain, and the understanding hurt more than it did the first time he saw them. But still, no matter how much it hurt him, he couldn’t avert his eyes. They, who were smiling in a moment in the past, seemed to have come from a different universe. Ruki couldn’t recognize the scene, couldn’t find it in his memory that place and time. He didn’t know who she was, but from the look on her bright face, he knew that she had been happy when this picture was taken. Aoi had been happy too, it was clear from that grin, those sparkles in his eyes that had successfully been preserved in the picture.
Good God, it hurt. It hurt and Ruki just loathed himself, loathed reality that had turned him into this worthless being. He hung his head down, forgetting all about going into the bathroom or smoking or even running away. Even when he shut his eyes tightly he could still see those faces in the darkness behind his eyelids. He knew they would haunt him forever. A story behind a picture framed neatly and poised on top of the bedside nightstand, it would always remain in his mind, would constantly remind him of what an idiot he had been all along.
He didn’t move, not even when he felt a soft touch on his back, not even when he felt someone enveloping him in an embrace. He said nothing, not even after he heard Aoi’s voice whispering a strangled apology.
What’s done is done. Sin really does taste oh so sweet, doesn’t it?
=== END ===
A/N: As stated on the header: Please give me some support so that I can write smut again! ^^
By the way, I used the office’s laptop to write this. I wonder what my boss might say if he finds out about this XDDDDD
My 50stories AoixRuki project list ==> here
My fanfic list ==> here