There is something so endlessly fascinating about this piece. I found myself reading it over and over. The only suggestion I'd make, unless it's your intention, would be to allow us a tiny bit more insight into the world of the gun. It appears so suddenly and without warning, yet comes at the end with emphasis so it takes on importance. I found myself wondering who? why?.
Thank you very much! I wanted the introduction of the gun to be like something heavy dropped into the story--abrupt and yet commanding attention. If I work on this more maybe I will try to include some more clues about it, but I'm glad I left you wondering. That was one of my intentions. I'm glad you enjoyed the piece and thanks for your comment. :)
I’ll be your primary or secondary editor for this round. If you’re interested, you can read a little more about my editing style here.
Grammar: I like how you’re not afraid to use commas. I also like how you seem wary of using the word “and” in place of a comma. Semi-colons are great, but be careful where you use them. The overall style and voice makes it easy to read
Content: + I think you did a great job describing the character’s feelings. I’m sure a lot of people can sympathize with feeling like a lonely outcast and this makes the character even easier to relate to.
- Your piece got off to a great start, but the climax came and went abruptly, giving the piece somewhat of an open ending, whereas the suicide should have have given it finality.
Suggestions: Expand on your character. Describe the event or trigger that lead her to make such a tragic decision. In this case, your introduction gave the story a great foundation of the character’s mindset - the trigger wouldn’t even need to be that dramatic to tip your already
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Re: Good evening!quantumckatJuly 5 2008, 03:26:12 UTC
Also, I'd like to apologize for the botched HTML. I can't figure out, for the life of me, why that link to my journal won't work when I C&P it from my text editor to the comment box.
You can find my editing introduction in my journal, post-dated for your convenience.
Re: Good evening!quantumckatJuly 6 2008, 21:18:48 UTC
Not MS Word, although I do think that's what the problem was. Now, when I C&P, I'm going through and retyping each url by hand just to be on the safe side.
Thank you very much for all your feedback. The airy metaphors were on purpose; my ultimate goal was to play with antithesis, but I don't think I quite reached my goal.
The idea of the barrel being hollow is something I hadn't considered. I really like the idea, and if I work on this piece again I will enjoy playing with it.
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Absolutely awesome work, though! Good luck!
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Nice work.
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Grammar: I like how you’re not afraid to use commas. I also like how you seem wary of using the word “and” in place of a comma. Semi-colons are great, but be careful where you use them. The overall style and voice makes it easy to read
Content:
+ I think you did a great job describing the character’s feelings. I’m sure a lot of people can sympathize with feeling like a lonely outcast and this makes the character even easier to relate to.
- Your piece got off to a great start, but the climax came and went abruptly, giving the piece somewhat of an open ending, whereas the suicide should have have given it finality.
Suggestions: Expand on your character. Describe the event or trigger that lead her to make such a tragic decision. In this case, your introduction gave the story a great foundation of the character’s mindset - the trigger wouldn’t even need to be that dramatic to tip your already ( ... )
Reply
You can find my editing introduction in my journal, post-dated for your convenience.
Reply
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(The comment has been removed)
The idea of the barrel being hollow is something I hadn't considered. I really like the idea, and if I work on this piece again I will enjoy playing with it.
Thanks again for your suggestions.
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