Comments | airenya: Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk #00: Prologue

airenya

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk #00: Prologue

Dec 03, 2011 16:17

CIGARETTES AND CHOCOLATE MILK # 00: Prologue: In need of a vacation.
In which one learns that some youkai are really too dumb to die, and the other discovers an unexpected friendship.

( As he quickly re-sheathed his battered zippo and dodged a blow directed at his face, the fleeting consideration that maybe right now things weren’t going magnificently good, made an appearance in his mind. )

gojyo, cigarettes and chocolate milk, renji, crossover, fanfiction, bleach, saiyuki, yaoi

Comments 6

laurose8 December 3 2011, 19:19:15 UTC

Terrific writing and characterisation in both sections. Being much more from the Saiyuki side, I can apprecite more how well you've done that. But I certainly enjoyed the Bleach part as well.

(One small typo -the line ending 'He ducked...' should end 'Bones broke.')

airenya December 3 2011, 20:25:21 UTC

Thanks I'm really glad you liked it! ^_ ( ... )

laurose8 December 3 2011, 20:53:32 UTC

I really did think you a native English speaker.

Thanks for pointing out Gojyo's talking to himself in his own head, which is convincing anyway, has an additional canon reason.

cptnsuz December 4 2011, 09:13:00 UTC

I thought Gojyo's voice came across rather well. The idea of him trash-talking about his opponents mentally seemed fitting to me.

The only suggestion I have would be to run this and future chapters through a spelling & grammar checker. (I know Microsoft Word has both, and I assume Macs have their version). That would hopefully catch a few of the missing possessives that I noticed and other small tweeks. Or a good beta reader should catch them too.

Overall I thought it was a pretty good prologue, and I'll look forward to reading your next chapter. Please cross-post it on LJ again so we'll know when it's up :)

airenya December 4 2011, 16:46:04 UTC

Well thanks for your support! ^_ ( ... )

jakondas March 1 2012, 23:41:31 UTC

For someone who's native tongue is Italian you have written this very well. I'm impressed. There are a number of words which threw me, and a few phases which I had to rearrange to make them coherent, but otherwise this comes across nicely. I enjoyed reading the prologue, and I have every intention of reading the rest of it when it's posted. I follow both Saiyuki and Bleach, so I was very pleased to see this crossover. Thank you for sharing it with us, and I hope to see more from you soon. ^_^