Fic: It's Wisdom Born of Pain
Title: It's Wisdom Born of Pain
Author: Aingeal
Pairing: Fraser/Vecchio (m/m & f/f)
Rating: R/NC-17
Summary: Waking up one morning Ray finds there's been a change in the night, a very big change for both him and Fraser.
Notes: Inspired by the genderfuck challenge over at ds_flashfiction I didn't manage to finish this in time for the amnestry challenge. Many thanks to lozenger8 for beta, support and encouragement, and suggestion of the title which comes from the song "I am Woman" by Helen Reddy.
It's Wisdom Born of Pain
Ray Vecchio was a happy man. He’d been able to stay the night with a certain Mountie and they’d spent most of it making love over and over. It had worn them both out. Ray reached to caress that chest he loved so well, one he knew in his sleep. As he did so, he realised there was something different. It wasn’t flat and muscular, it was round, and warm, and squishy?
Ray opened his eyes and blinked in the morning sunlight. When he saw what his hand was touching, he froze. He was touching breasts.
“Benny?” he said in a weak voice. He didn’t know whether to move his hand or leave it where it was.
Luckily, when the body moved to turn toward him, his hand was dislodged.
“Ray?”
Ray was silent. Yep, the person next to him had breasts, long hair and Benny’s blue eyes. Ray gulped. “Benny,” he repeated, touching the unfamiliar body in front of him.
“Ray? What’s wrong?”
“You’re a girl,” Ray choked out in disbelief.
Fraser looked down at his chest. He took a good look then lifted up the blanket to peer further down his body. “Yes, Ray, it would appear I am.”
“That’s it?”
“What?”
“You’re a girl, Benny!”
“Technically, Ray, my body is that of a woman.”
“Like this makes a difference.”
“Ray, I don’t want to alarm you, but perhaps you might want to look at yourself.”
Ray looked down. What he expected to be there wasn’t and there were two rather large, round things he would never expect to be there. He closed his eyes and then opened them. Yes, he was still the same. He was a girl.
“Fraser,” Ray said now aware his voice bordered on a squeak. “What? Why?”
“I have no idea, Ray.”
“How can you be so calm?!”
“Getting angry won’t change the situation, Ray.”
“It’s not the situation that’s changed, Benny!”
“True.”
“What are you doing?” Ray asked, seeing Fraser squeezing his breasts. They were guys, guys weren’t supposed to have breasts to squeeze.
“It’s interesting, Ray.”
“They’re not interesting, they’re breasts!”
“Yes, but I’ve never actually had them before, the ones I wore as Ms Fraser were artificial. These real ones feel different.”
“Of course they do! They’re not meant to be there.”
“But they are here, Ray, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to satisfy my curiosity.”
“By groping yourself?”
“Ray, it’s not groping. I am sure women do this to themselves.”
“What, they told you this?”
“No, although I would imagine they examine them for changes, in case of breast cancer.”
At seeing Fraser continue to play with his breasts Ray had had enough. “Will you just stop that!”
“Sorry, Ray.” Fraser took his hands away from his breasts.
“Okay, now what do we do?”
“We investigate, Ray. There must be a reason for this.”
“Yeah, somebody’s playing a huge and not very funny practical joke on us.”
Ray felt restless and got up out of the bed. Things looked the same when he was standing up. His breasts seemed to jiggle. It felt weird but then the whole situation was weird. For some reason he found his was comparing the size of his breasts to Fraser’s and feeling satisfied they were the same size. Ray groaned.
“Okay, so who could have done this?”
“I don’t know, Ray.”
“So think. Have we annoyed any gypsies?”
“No.”
“Any witches?”
“No, Ray.”
“Have we run into any leprechauns?”
“Not that I’m aware of.”
“Have we rubbed any lamps?”
“Well no, Ray, although we did change the light bulb in your mother’s bedroom lamp last week.”
“Not that kind of lamp, Benny.”
“Ah.”
“Have we met any voodoo priestesses?”
“No, Ray, and the appropriate terminology is ‘Vodun’”
“Okay, so why am I standing here looking at your breasts?” Ray closed his eyes. Why had he just said that?
“Do you like them, Ray?”
“We are not discussing if I like them. We’re discussing who did this to us and how we can get back to being guys.”
“You know there are positives to this situation, Ray.”
“Yeah? Name one.”
“Hair.”
Ray looked at his chest. Sure he had hair down there normally but his chest was now free of hair. Whilst Ray liked that look on Benny, even when Fraser looked like a guy, Ray felt the lack of chest hair on himself didn’t look quite right
“Not that hair, Ray. On your head.”
It was then that Ray became aware that something was tickling his shoulders. He lifted up his hand and ran his fingers through his hair. He had hair! Long thick tresses that even Francesca would be envious of. It was soft and silky and…
Noticing Fraser staring at him, Ray stopped. “Fine so I’ve got hair, big deal.”
“It is a positive though, Ray.”
“So, the positive of being a woman is I get hair?”
“You know, Ray,” Fraser said, as he got up out of the bed to stand near Ray, “it’s interesting you refer to us as female.”
“I didn’t say that, Benny.”
“You did call us women. I suppose physically we are, but mentally, emotionally, we’re still male.”
Ray remembered his use of ‘he’ when thinking about Benny. Yep he was still a he.
“Our situation is similar to that of transgendered or transsexual people who believe that their internal persona doesn’t match up with their physical self. They are compelled to change it by changing their clothes, or sometimes through the use of gender reassignment surgery.”
“So if we can’t get a cure, we get surgery?”
“I wouldn’t want you to be that drastic, Ray.”
“Instead, we live like girls?”
“We live as ourselves, Ray.”
“Look, let’s just find a cure first. Which means walking around in public like this… will you stop staring?”
“You’re staring at me, Ray.”
“I am not,” Ray said, even as he tried to tear his eyes away from Fraser.
“It’s natural, Ray. I look different as a woman, so it’s perfectly understandable you would want to examine that.”
“I’m not examining anything. Let’s just put some clothes on. We can’t go out looking like this.”
“I’m sure the male population of Chicago wouldn’t object, Ray.”
“Look, I am not letting you get hit on by strange guys. It’s bad enough with the women who follow you about like they want to jump your bones.”
“It makes you uncomfortable?”
“Yeah. I mean, you and me are together.”
“Ah.”
“What?”
“Nothing, Ray, it’s nice.”
“What’s nice?”
“The fact you’re protective of our status as a couple.”
“Are you okay, Benny?” Ray asked. Fraser seemed to be distracted by something his gaze was directed toward the small bathroom.
“I’ve been thinking, Ray, I would imagine we both need to erm… relieve ourselves.”
Ray hadn’t been thinking about that until Fraser had mentioned it. Now all of a sudden it became vital.
“Okay, at least you’ve got a john in here. No way am I walking naked to that excuse for a bathroom. Even if I looked like a guy.”
“Do you want to go first, Ray?”
Ray had unconsciously put his legs closer together. “Sure, Benny.”
“I’ll wait.”
“Great.
Ray wandered into the small bathroom and closed the door. He didn’t want to see Fraser looking at him whilst he had a pee. Benny had already been giving him funny looks.
The seat was up, so Ray sat down. That part he could do, he’d done it before, as a guy. He still was a guy, but now he was a guy who felt cold and naked. He saw goose bumps on his breasts and then felt embarrassed for looking at them in the first place. At least his weren’t as distracting as Fraser’s.
Ray wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be doing and it took a good five minutes before nature won out and he achieved a result. He felt even more embarrassed as he left the bathroom and Fraser took over. Ray felt worse when he was disappointed at Fraser closing the door.
He paced the apartment, trying to distract himself with looking at the peeling paint and wondering about helping Fraser redecorate. The place could certainly do with a couch. A couch would have come in handy the previous night.
The memories of last night’s love-making seemed such a long time ago. Ray started to wonder if he’d forget what it was like to make love to a guy. Or make love as a guy. Or both. He wasn’t sure anymore.
Diefenbaker seemed to recognise him as he paced, offering some comfort and begging for breakfast. Ray finally filled Dief’s bowl with food. Being naked like this and bending down to pour the kibble into the bowl, Ray felt ridiculous. His breasts seemed to dangle and sway. He couldn’t wait to be upright again.
Finally, Fraser reappeared.
“What took you so long?”
“I wasn’t long, Ray. I would estimate I was seven and a half minutes.”
“You were just going to the john.”
“I was, Ray. But erm I had to…” Fraser blushed and Ray took his meaning.
“Oh…sorry, Benny.”
“It’s all right, Ray. I do have an idea about who can we ask to help us in our current situation.”
“Who?”
“Ms Lily.”
“That weird gypsy?”
“She’s not a gypsy, Ray. Although she does have some Romany ancestors on her mother’s side, culturally speaking she’s not…”
“Okay, okay, will she be able to get us back to normal?”
“I don’t know, Ray, but she might be able to shed some light on the situation.”
Ray sighed. “Fine, we’ve got nothing else.”
“I’ll get us some clothes, Ray.”
“Yeah, I bet my shirt won’t fit over these.” Ray indicated the two adornments on his chest.
“I would think it’s unlikely, Ray.”
“So what are we wearing? I’m going to end up looking like a lumberjack.”
“We don’t need to use my shirts, Ray. I still have a selection of women’s clothing from my time as Ms Fraser.”
“You kept them?”
“They might have come in handy. In fact, they have come in handy. I’d also removed the tags and the store wouldn’t accept them back.”
Ray felt himself growing rather warm at the sight of Fraser rummaging in the closet. He felt a bit flushed, and he was getting feelings in a certain place down there that he recognised as being arousal. It felt weird, but there was no doubt about it, Ray couldn’t blame it on anything else. He was in a woman’s body getting hot about Fraser in a woman’s body. Was he a lesbian now?
Ray groaned and went to find his underwear which had been flung carelessly about the apartment. At least how he felt wasn’t obvious on the outside. If he had still been a guy, he would have been obvious but as a woman it wasn’t so clear. He pulled his boxers on, relieved they still fit.
“Ray?”
“What?” Ray’s tone was rather sharp as he turned to see Fraser with an armful of clothes.
“I think I’ve found some clothes that are suitable.”
Ray took a look at what Fraser was laying out on the bed.
“Floral? You’re going to make me wear floral?”
“It will look fine on you, Ray. This one looks your size.”
“Only a woman buys floral,” Ray muttered as he grabbed the item of clothing Fraser pointed to, trying not to look at him. He was still confused as to why his body was reacting the way it was.
“Ray, stop.”
“What?”
“You’ll need one of these.” Fraser held out a bra. “Unfortunately, I’m not sure this is the right size.”
“Does it matter?”
“Yes, Ray, it does. Wearing the correctly sized bra is important in making sure you’re comfortable.”
“Well, hopefully I’m not going to be wearing it for too long.”
“I could make you one.”
“Out of what?”
“Well, handkerchiefs and wire.”
“No. I am not wearing a home-made bra.”
“Well, perhaps I could…”
“Look just put some clothes on and let’s go.”
“All right, Ray. I’ll get changed in the closet.”
“So, I have to bear the public humiliation.”
“There’s no one else around, Ray, well, except Diefenbaker, and he’s already seen you naked.”
“Thanks.”
As Fraser disappeared into the closet, Ray sighed. Why was this his life?
Ray struggled with the clothes Fraser had given him. He tried the panty hose, but gave up when it got stuck halfway up his leg. It was itchy, too. His legs did have some hair on them, though less than it had been, and the nylon seemed to cause irritation.
He struggled with the bra for a long time before he felt gentle hands at his back.
“Ray, you know it’s easier if you turn it around to the front and then do the clasp.”
“What, wear it backwards?” Ray shifted as he felt Fraser fastening the bra up. It felt incredibly intimate.
“No, you would then move it to the front.”
“Who taught you that?”
“It seemed logical, Ray,” Fraser replied as he smoothed his hands over Ray’s back. “Your skin is soft.”
Ray shivered. “So is yours.”
Fraser removed his hands, bra fastened and in place. “I’ll leave you to finish getting dressed.”
Ray turned around to see Fraser had already finished. He wore what he had as Ms Fraser and yet there was something different. Last time, Ray had to admit Fraser had looked like a man in drag, but this time? This time, there was an unmistakeable femininity to Fraser. It wasn’t just he wasn’t wearing a wig but had real hair, beautiful touchable hair, but his whole face was less masculine. Ray still recognised him or her as Fraser.
“Yeah, I better get ready,” Ray replied as he picked up the dress.
“If you need any help, Ray, just ask.”
“What are you doing?” Ray asked, his voice muffled as he pulled the dress over his head.
“Looking for my make-up, Ray.”
“You have make-up?”
“I didn’t get rid of it after I finished the Ms Fraser assignment.”
“You thought it might come in handy?” Ray asked, as he finally got the dress over his head and fumbled for the zipper.
“Well, yes, Ray. I did think about giving it to your sister, but I was afraid she might have misinterpreted my gesture.”
Fraser strained a little as he managed to locate the bag. Unfortunately, it was stuck at the back of the drawer.
“Having trouble there, Benny?” Ray asked as he finally managed to locate the zipper and pull it up the rest of the way.
“Oh no, no trouble, Ray.” Fraser said, and with one last effort pulled out the bag.
It was a big bag; enough for a month’s supply, if Ray gauged it by his sister’s use.
“Geez, Fraser how much make-up do you need?”
“I admit, I may have over-purchased what I required, but I wanted to make sure I had the right types available for my colouring.”
Ray groaned. “Next you’ll be telling me you asked Francesca for her advice about what lipstick to wear.”
“I did ask her what she would choose if she had a similar skin tone to myself.”
“You talked to my sister about make-up? Who knows what she thinks about you now.”
“She seemed pleased I was interested.”
“Yeah, until she starts asking your opinion on what colour nail varnish to wear. She’ll probably start thinking of you as her gay best friend.”
“At the time I asked her, Ray, she was unaware of my sexual orientation, and really I would think I’m bisexual rather than homosexual, although…”
“Look, can we stop talking about this?”
“Ah, yes, Ray. I think this shade might suit you.” Fraser held up a lipstick. It looked red to Ray, very red.
“I am not wearing make-up.”
“You know, Ray, it’s actually not too bad once you get used it. Although, I did develop an allergy to the foundation I used, possibly due to…”
“Fraser! I am not wearing make-up.”
“It’s only whilst we’re out in public, Ray.”
“Look, we’re not going to be out in public,” Ray said starting to pace. “We’re going to be in the Riv, then we’re going to see this Ms Lily, and unless she reads palms in the mall we’re not going to be in public.”
“If people see us, Ray…”
“Nobody is going to see us.”
“They will, there’s no tinted glass in the Riveria and Ms Lily might have other clients to see, we’d have to wait, in which case…”
“So they see me without makeup, big deal.”
“You’d look good in make-up, Ray.”
“You want me to wear it? Is this some weird fantasy you have?”
“Oh Ray, my personal preference aside, think about it as being undercover. In this body, people will expect certain things of you.”
“Not every woman goes out there wearing make-up.”
“Perhaps not, but your dress is quite formal.”
“Floral, Benny, floral.”
“Still, it indicates some effort on your part to dress up.”
“Because you didn’t have anything else.”
“But the casual observer won’t recognise that, so it’s important that your whole self matches your persona.”
“Okay, I’ll wear the damn lipstick, but not that stuff, it’s bright red.”
“Yes, Ray to match your complexion.”
“My complexion?”
“You’ve been very lucky to have been blessed with a darker complexion than my own, no doubt due to your Italian parents. It enables you to be quite bold in your choice of cosmetics.”
“I have no choice of cosmetics.”
“Not to…”
“The casual observer, I get it.”
Fraser undid the top of the lipstick. “Would you like me to put it on for you?”
Throughout the cosmetic conversation Ray had been relieved that his body hadn’t been reacting to Fraser’s, but now he wasn’t so sure he could keep that up. The thought of Fraser doing it was so appealing. In the end, Ray nodded. He didn’t trust himself not to squeak.
Gently, Fraser came closer, so close, Ray could feel his breath, her breath, whatever. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t been in this position before, but at least then he’d known why his body was reacting. This was something new.
“Open your mouth, Ray.
Ray tried to open it in the way he’d seen his sisters do when they had to put on makeup. He felt a soft touch as Fraser drew a finger across them, moulding his lips, getting them into the correct position. Ray would have sighed if he’d been able. Then, the thumb was gone and was replaced by the lipstick. It glided over his lips gently, staining them with colour.
“Purse your lips, Ray.”
Ray did as he was told, imitating his sisters.
“That’s it?”
“I was going to suggest some mascara, Ray but your eyes are beautiful enough without it.”
“Are you sure?” Ray asked, not because he wanted to wear mascara but because he wanted Fraser to put it on for him.
“Well, perhaps a little might accentuate them. You do have lovely eyes, Ray.”
Ray stood still whilst mascara was applied, keeping his eyes open and trying to stare into Fraser’s own. Those blue eyes were so full of concentration, and love, too. Fraser was enjoying this, Ray could tell. It would have been so easy to kiss the lips so close to his own. Lips that had retained their cupid bow shape, now looking even softer. Then there was a touch of some sort of powder applied to Ray’s cheeks and it was done.
Ray felt a little disappointed as Fraser drew away. He tried not to let on how disappointed he really was.
“Okay, I’m ready,” he said, quickly trying to change the subject. “Let’s go.”
Ray moved toward the door.
“Ray, you don’t expect me to go out looking like this, do you?”
Belatedly realising Fraser was make-up-less, Ray covered. “Erm, no, Benny.”
Fraser took the makeup to the small bathroom, where there was a mirror, and began to apply it with his usual Mountie precision.
“Need, any help, there, Benny?”
“Ah no, Ray, thank you kindly.
Ray just watched as those hands applied the lipstick. He’d always liked Benny’s hands, but this was something new. The hands were still Fraser’s, still square and strong looking, but softer somehow. For the first time, Ray studied his own. They didn’t look all that different. The nails were slightly longer, but nowhere as long as the false nails Francesca insisted on spending a fortune on. They looked like his hands, even though there were ‘her hands’.
So absorbed by this was Ray, he failed to notice Fraser had finished.
“Ray, I’m ready to go now.”
Ray looked at a Fraser with make-up on and decided that even as a woman he didn’t need it. In fact, he looked better without it in Ray’s opinion. Realising he was doing the staring thing again, Ray chose to touch his hair as a distraction.
“Okay then, let’s go,” he said, running his hand through his hair. He had to admit, it felt pretty good.
“Ray, I’m just wondering, if you drive the Riv, what would happen if we got pulled over? You don’t own a female driver’s licence.”
“So the cops think we’re the Chicago version of Thelma and Louise. I don’t know, we’ll charm them.”
“Ray, you’re not suggesting flirting with an officer of the law in order to avoid a traffic citation?”
“Frannie does it all the time.”
“Hasn’t she been arrested?”
“I didn’t say she was good at it.”
“Oh well, you seem to know more about this than me.”
“I’ll be careful driving, okay. You just tell me the directions.”
“All right, Ray.”
Fraser turned to Diefenbaker. Ray had forgotten the wolf was even there. “You can visit Maggie while we’re gone, if you’d like, Dief.”
Dief whined and disappeared out of the window. Ray could have sworn he’d winked.
“Shall we, Ray?”
“Yeah, aren’t your neighbours going to think it’s weird that there are two strange women leaving your apartment?”
“I wouldn’t worry, Ray, they’ve seen far more unusual things.
Ray couldn’t argue there, but still, he was as quiet as possible as they walked down the stairs. He was wearing socks. He didn’t want to risk falling in the heels Fraser had lent him. He’d drive in the socks then take them off and switch to shoes when they were at Ms Lily’s. He didn’t like the look of them, but he knew he didn’t have much choice, sooner or later he’d have to wear them. At least he’d persuaded Fraser he’d be fine without pantyhose.
It was still early enough that there weren’t too many people, just the homeless guys who greeted them perfectly normally. Ray had to shake his head at the weirdness of the neighbourhood, before they managed to climb into the Riv and drive away.
They had been driving for about five minutes when Fraser spoke up. “Perhaps we should call your mother.”
“And tell her what?”
“I’m not sure, Ray.”
“In case you haven’t noticed, Benny, I don’t sound like her son. I sound like a woman. No way am I going to try and explain that one to Ma.”
“Is that also why you haven’t called Lieutenant Welsh?”
“Yeah, I’m not singing soprano to my boss.”
“You wouldn’t have to sing to him, Ray.”
“It’s just a figure of speech, Benny.”
“Oh.”
“What, were you were going to call Thatcher and tell her why you’re not going to be standing guard today, unless you can borrow her uniform?”
“That wouldn’t be appropriate, Ray. She’s an Inspector, I’m a Constable. It wouldn’t be right for me to wear her uniform.”
“Well, you can’t wear that, either.”
“No. I could call the consulate and leave a message with Turnbull.”
“Who would get the wrong idea and explain it so Thatcher would think you’ve gone off with a woman somewhere.”
“I am going somewhere with a woman.”
“Fraser, I am not a woman.”
“You look like a woman.”
“Well I’m not. I’m still called Ray.”
“Ray can be a woman’s name, although the spelling would be slightly different.”
“Yeah, well I spell it R. A. Y. so I’m still a guy.”
“Not physically.”
“Can we drop this? We’re going to see Ms Lily, she’s going to give us a cure, we’re going to be guys again and then everything is going to be back to normal.”
“If you say so, Ray.”
Ray could tell there was something else Fraser hadn’t said. “What?
“You don’t find this experience has made you think about certain issues?”
“I’m going to forget it, that’s it.”
“All right, Ray.”
There was silence for the rest of the trip, until Ray pulled in and parked. It turned out Ms Lily actually had her place of business in a pretty nice spot. Ray suspected it was to do with cashing in on a sudden trend for the paranormal among the slightly better off residents of Chicago, but he didn’t mention this to Fraser.
They got out of the car. Ray felt unsteady on his feet in the heels he’d replaced his socks with and Fraser took hold of his arm to steady him. In fact, when Ray tripped, Fraser had to support him fully.
“Benny, what are people going to think?”
“That one woman is helping her friend who feels a little dizzy. Don’t worry, Ray, people aren’t going to suspect anything.”
“I am worried. I’ve been worried since I woke up and found out I was touching a breast.”
Ray hoped Ms Lily could provide some answers. There was no way he was getting used to walking in these shoes.
They went inside and Ray managed to stay upright for long enough for them to walk through a bead curtain at the entrance to a small room. The door opposite them opened and a woman stepped out. She was wearing surprisingly ordinary clothes, a blouse and skirt. For a moment, Ray wondered is this was Ms Lily’s secretary.
“I’ve been expecting you ladies,” she said. “Please, come in.”
Ray felt Fraser’s hand slip into his as they walked through the doorway, following the mysterious woman who seemed to think she knew who they were. The space was actually brighter than Ray had expected.
“Take a seat,” she said, indicating two chairs near small, red velvet covered table. She took the chair opposite.
Gingerly, Ray sat down. He never let go of Fraser’s hand.
“Fraser, Ray,” she began.
“You know our names?” Ray asked in surprise.
“Of course I do.”
“How?”
“That’s not important,” she replied.
“Not important! I…”
“Ray, please. Ms Lily has met me before, no doubt she recognises me.”
“What, with breasts and long hair?”
“Diefenbaker recognised us.”
“He’s a wolf; he can use his sense of smell.”
“Nevertheless, Ms Lily is very intuitive.”
“Yeah, so how come she knows who I am?”
Ms Lily spoke up. “She is in the same room as you, Ray, and there’s only person in Chicago who would hold hands with Fraser.”
Ray almost pulled his hand away from Fraser’s, but at the last minute stopped. A smile played on Ms Lily’s face.
“You’ve come to me about your situation?”
“Yeah, so what can you do?” Ray asked.
“Very quick to ask for help aren’t you, Ray? Especially when you didn’t believe I could recognise you in your current form.”
“He doesn’t mean anything by it, Ms Lily.”
“It’s all right, Fraser. I understand,” she paused. “I can’t do anything for you.”
“Great.”
“But you can.”
“So there is a cure?”
“It’s not a cure you’re looking for, Ray.”
“You think I want to stay like this?”
“It’s not that, not at all. You need something else in order to effect a change.”
“What?”
“You need to accept the love you have for each other.”
“That’s it?”
“Yes.”
Ray felt frustrated, he couldn’t be stuck like this. “No magic potions? No spells? Just that?”
“You have to look into your heart and you’ll find the answer.
“We drove all the way across Chicago for that? Geez.”
“It isn’t an easy cure, Ray, but it’s the only one available to you.”
“Accepting the love between us? I love Benny; he loves me, and that’s it.”
“It isn’t, Ray and deep down you know that. Your body knows it. She knows it.” Ms Lily pointed to the strangely quiet Fraser.
“Benny isn’t a she.”
“Ah, then there is hope.”
“How do you mean there’s hope?”
“I’ve said all I can, you should go,” she waved them away.
“Why did we come here? All you say is a bunch of bull.”
Fraser held Ray back from a further tirade. The feel of Fraser’s arms around him did make Ray slightly calmer. At least they were in this together.
“I’m sorry Ms Lily, Ray is just emotional.”
“It’s all right, Fraser, take your lover home.”
“I will.”
“And remember what I said.”
“Yes, we will, won’t we, Ray?”
“Yeah right,” Ray grumbled.
Ray complained as they walked back to the Riv, he complained as they drove back to Fraser’s apartment and, despite the possibility of the neighbours hearing, he complained all the way to Fraser’s apartment. Fraser maintained his strange silence.
“So that’s it? We’re going to be stuck like this for the rest of our lives and…”
Ray didn’t have time to finish the sentence before he was pressed up against the thin dividing wall and kissed, hard. He could taste the lipstick Fraser was wearing and the lipstick he was wearing too. Mingled in there was the taste of a mouth he knew so well. A hand ran through and then gripped his hair.
Everything he’d been feeling in the apartment that morning slammed into him. He could tell desire when he recognised it, a tingling sensation, he felt warm, he could feel his heart beating and he was uncomfortably aware he was getting wet down there.
Fraser pulled back from the kiss.
“Benny…” A finger on his lips stopped him.
“Shhh, Ray, we’re going to make love.”
“But…”
“No buts, Ray, you heard Ms Lily. You have to accept this.”
“I don’t know if I can,” Ray whispered.
“I know how you’re feeling, Ray. I could tell this morning. You might think your arousal was hidden, but it wasn’t.”
“It wasn’t?”
“No, Ray, and neither was mine.”
Fraser kissed him again. He had a great kiss, Ray was lost in it. He let Fraser undress them and at the undoing of the bra clasp, Ray got flashbacks to earlier that morning and the intimacy he’d felt then. If only he’d picked up on it and acted on it. This morning being naked had been strange, but it hasn’t been like this.
Ray knew what he wanted to do and it seemed Fraser knew how to do it. It was at first odd not to have their chests pressed together, but their breasts were also sensitive, perhaps more so than their bare chests. Fraser moved to gently knead Ray’s breasts who moaned and gave a happy sigh of pleasure and ran his fingers through the brown hair tickling his neck.
They took their time before moving to the bed. At first it felt a bit awkward to be holding each other like this, but Ray soon relaxed and began to be less passive. He nuzzled Fraser’s soft skin and ran a thumb across a nipple. Ray felt a gentle hand on his nape and hands in his hair as he was drawn into another deep, wet kiss.
When they finally made it to the bed they were pressed up against each other. Ray was uncomfortably aware of his arousal and he rubbed up against Fraser. They fell onto the sheets, still messy since earlier that morning, panting from their kisses. Fraser ran a hand down Ray’s body and Ray shivered as he realised how obvious female arousal could be.
They lay on their sides, arms wrapped around each other, kissing and touching each other. Ray ran his hands down Fraser’s body, feeling the unfamiliar contours and revelling in the soft skin under his fingertips as they danced across it. He pushed his groin forward, not sure what he was really seeking.
Fraser knew what he was seeking and gently rolled Ray into his back. Ray knew Fraser was oral, he’d had enough experience to know that, but even he took in a deep breath when those lips began touching him.
Fraser started at the top, paying particular attention to Ray’s nipples, which had always been sensitive. This time, though, he sucked them whilst gently kneading Ray’s breasts. Then he made his way slowly downward, nipping, licking and nuzzling Ray.
By this point Ray knew he was moaning and whimpering, he was barely coherent enough to beg, but he didn’t need to worry. Butterfly kisses were planted on his thighs before Fraser tackled the most intimate part of Ray’s arousal, where it was soft, wet, and throbbing. It didn’t take much, Ray was barely aware of exactly what Fraser was doing, but he could feel the sensations. Fraser’s long hair tickled his thighs and Ray ran his fingers through it and down Fraser’s back. He opened his eyes to take in what he was seeing. The sensation became too much and he came.
He’d opened his eyes to find he was panting, his chest heaving. “I love, you, Benny, he whispered. Fraser made his way up so that he was once again level with Ray and kissed him. Belatedly, Ray realised what exactly it was that he was tasting. He felt bold now, bold enough to explore in detail the feminine body Benny currently possessed.
He smiled as he gently touched Fraser between his legs. It was strange to be touching softness instead of hardness, but Ray did so. Then as Fraser lay back to allow Ray better access, Ray saw how beautifully Fraser was smiling. He shared a brief kiss before continuing what he hoped would be the best sex of Fraser’s life.
They continued their sexual intimacy all night long. Ray had known what sex with Benny was like when they were men, but this was different. He’d made love to women before after-all, but not when he himself was a woman. Using his body as best he could, he learnt how to improvise, how to use his instincts. Fraser was still Fraser, still tasted the same, still had the same erogenous zones, and Ray was bolstered by this. Fraser was still his lover, they loved each other and they physically expressed that love. They took joy in each other. Of course, they had taken joy in each other as men, but somehow that love-making had been tinged with something not present anymore. Ray didn’t know what it was.
Ray woke up snuggled into a warm body and sighed happily. He was asleep with Benny. He knew instinctively where Benny’s neck was and reached out to kiss it. As he did, so he moved a hand to the front to see of he could play with Fraser’s breasts, only to find they weren’t there.
Ray opened his eyes and sat up. Benny was a guy again. The body next to him was definitely male. Ray pulled the cover down and sure enough, Fraser’s body was completely and totally male.
Fraser mumbled at the sudden change in temperature before he woke up.
“You’re a guy, Benny,” Ray said as Fraser made his way back to consciousness.
“So are you, Ray,” Fraser answered casually.
Ray looked down and yes, his body was back to normal. “How?”
“You did what Ms Lily told us, you accepted our love.”
“By having sex as a lesbian?”
“Oh, Ray it wasn’t that. You made love without holding any part of you back.”
“I don’t hold back.”
Fraser drew Ray back down and into his arms. “You did, Ray. There’s always been something that you’ve kept hidden, as if making love to me as a man reminded you of pain you’d rather forget. But as a woman, you didn’t have that worry, you didn’t know how to hold back.”
“I’m sorry, Benny.”
“You’ve nothing to be sorry for, Ray. I know in your past you’ve made love to men and been hurt by the emotional aftermath.”
“I’ve been hurt by women too.”
“But not in the same way, Ray. You’ve not had to wonder if you should be loving a woman so much.”
“I love you, Benny.”
“I know you do, Ray.”
“I don’t want to hold back.”
“Then don’t,” Fraser replied.
Ray could recognise a hint when he heard one. He didn’t waste any time in pressing his lips to Fraser’s. He acted as he had the night before. This time, they touched other with the love they felt and remembered. At one point, when Ray pulled back to see Fraser’s face, he felt a hint of guilt and pain from the past, but he ignored it, and instead explored his lover thoroughly.
He’d always enjoyed making love with Fraser, but now he could do it without any worries. This was how love was supposed to be, how it had been all along if he’d accepted it. This was a love to last the rest of a lifetime.
Ray showed his love through words and actions. They came together in a wonderful haze of endorphins and what Ray liked to believe was love. He was cuddled and nuzzled by Fraser, who had clearly enjoyed every minute of it. Ray smiled as he drifted back to post-coital sleep.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“We love each other,” Fraser replied.
Some days later in a building across down a woman took receipt of a bunch of flowers. She turned over the card and read the neat script.
‘Ms Lily
Your assistance in helping Ray and I was invaluable.
Thank you kindly,
BF’
Ms Lily smiled. She knew that in an apartment across town there were two men, very much in love and very, very happy.
Author: Aingeal
Pairing: Fraser/Vecchio (m/m & f/f)
Rating: R/NC-17
Summary: Waking up one morning Ray finds there's been a change in the night, a very big change for both him and Fraser.
Notes: Inspired by the genderfuck challenge over at ds_flashfiction I didn't manage to finish this in time for the amnestry challenge. Many thanks to lozenger8 for beta, support and encouragement, and suggestion of the title which comes from the song "I am Woman" by Helen Reddy.
It's Wisdom Born of Pain
Ray Vecchio was a happy man. He’d been able to stay the night with a certain Mountie and they’d spent most of it making love over and over. It had worn them both out. Ray reached to caress that chest he loved so well, one he knew in his sleep. As he did so, he realised there was something different. It wasn’t flat and muscular, it was round, and warm, and squishy?
Ray opened his eyes and blinked in the morning sunlight. When he saw what his hand was touching, he froze. He was touching breasts.
“Benny?” he said in a weak voice. He didn’t know whether to move his hand or leave it where it was.
Luckily, when the body moved to turn toward him, his hand was dislodged.
“Ray?”
Ray was silent. Yep, the person next to him had breasts, long hair and Benny’s blue eyes. Ray gulped. “Benny,” he repeated, touching the unfamiliar body in front of him.
“Ray? What’s wrong?”
“You’re a girl,” Ray choked out in disbelief.
Fraser looked down at his chest. He took a good look then lifted up the blanket to peer further down his body. “Yes, Ray, it would appear I am.”
“That’s it?”
“What?”
“You’re a girl, Benny!”
“Technically, Ray, my body is that of a woman.”
“Like this makes a difference.”
“Ray, I don’t want to alarm you, but perhaps you might want to look at yourself.”
Ray looked down. What he expected to be there wasn’t and there were two rather large, round things he would never expect to be there. He closed his eyes and then opened them. Yes, he was still the same. He was a girl.
“Fraser,” Ray said now aware his voice bordered on a squeak. “What? Why?”
“I have no idea, Ray.”
“How can you be so calm?!”
“Getting angry won’t change the situation, Ray.”
“It’s not the situation that’s changed, Benny!”
“True.”
“What are you doing?” Ray asked, seeing Fraser squeezing his breasts. They were guys, guys weren’t supposed to have breasts to squeeze.
“It’s interesting, Ray.”
“They’re not interesting, they’re breasts!”
“Yes, but I’ve never actually had them before, the ones I wore as Ms Fraser were artificial. These real ones feel different.”
“Of course they do! They’re not meant to be there.”
“But they are here, Ray, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to satisfy my curiosity.”
“By groping yourself?”
“Ray, it’s not groping. I am sure women do this to themselves.”
“What, they told you this?”
“No, although I would imagine they examine them for changes, in case of breast cancer.”
At seeing Fraser continue to play with his breasts Ray had had enough. “Will you just stop that!”
“Sorry, Ray.” Fraser took his hands away from his breasts.
“Okay, now what do we do?”
“We investigate, Ray. There must be a reason for this.”
“Yeah, somebody’s playing a huge and not very funny practical joke on us.”
Ray felt restless and got up out of the bed. Things looked the same when he was standing up. His breasts seemed to jiggle. It felt weird but then the whole situation was weird. For some reason he found his was comparing the size of his breasts to Fraser’s and feeling satisfied they were the same size. Ray groaned.
“Okay, so who could have done this?”
“I don’t know, Ray.”
“So think. Have we annoyed any gypsies?”
“No.”
“Any witches?”
“No, Ray.”
“Have we run into any leprechauns?”
“Not that I’m aware of.”
“Have we rubbed any lamps?”
“Well no, Ray, although we did change the light bulb in your mother’s bedroom lamp last week.”
“Not that kind of lamp, Benny.”
“Ah.”
“Have we met any voodoo priestesses?”
“No, Ray, and the appropriate terminology is ‘Vodun’”
“Okay, so why am I standing here looking at your breasts?” Ray closed his eyes. Why had he just said that?
“Do you like them, Ray?”
“We are not discussing if I like them. We’re discussing who did this to us and how we can get back to being guys.”
“You know there are positives to this situation, Ray.”
“Yeah? Name one.”
“Hair.”
Ray looked at his chest. Sure he had hair down there normally but his chest was now free of hair. Whilst Ray liked that look on Benny, even when Fraser looked like a guy, Ray felt the lack of chest hair on himself didn’t look quite right
“Not that hair, Ray. On your head.”
It was then that Ray became aware that something was tickling his shoulders. He lifted up his hand and ran his fingers through his hair. He had hair! Long thick tresses that even Francesca would be envious of. It was soft and silky and…
Noticing Fraser staring at him, Ray stopped. “Fine so I’ve got hair, big deal.”
“It is a positive though, Ray.”
“So, the positive of being a woman is I get hair?”
“You know, Ray,” Fraser said, as he got up out of the bed to stand near Ray, “it’s interesting you refer to us as female.”
“I didn’t say that, Benny.”
“You did call us women. I suppose physically we are, but mentally, emotionally, we’re still male.”
Ray remembered his use of ‘he’ when thinking about Benny. Yep he was still a he.
“Our situation is similar to that of transgendered or transsexual people who believe that their internal persona doesn’t match up with their physical self. They are compelled to change it by changing their clothes, or sometimes through the use of gender reassignment surgery.”
“So if we can’t get a cure, we get surgery?”
“I wouldn’t want you to be that drastic, Ray.”
“Instead, we live like girls?”
“We live as ourselves, Ray.”
“Look, let’s just find a cure first. Which means walking around in public like this… will you stop staring?”
“You’re staring at me, Ray.”
“I am not,” Ray said, even as he tried to tear his eyes away from Fraser.
“It’s natural, Ray. I look different as a woman, so it’s perfectly understandable you would want to examine that.”
“I’m not examining anything. Let’s just put some clothes on. We can’t go out looking like this.”
“I’m sure the male population of Chicago wouldn’t object, Ray.”
“Look, I am not letting you get hit on by strange guys. It’s bad enough with the women who follow you about like they want to jump your bones.”
“It makes you uncomfortable?”
“Yeah. I mean, you and me are together.”
“Ah.”
“What?”
“Nothing, Ray, it’s nice.”
“What’s nice?”
“The fact you’re protective of our status as a couple.”
“Are you okay, Benny?” Ray asked. Fraser seemed to be distracted by something his gaze was directed toward the small bathroom.
“I’ve been thinking, Ray, I would imagine we both need to erm… relieve ourselves.”
Ray hadn’t been thinking about that until Fraser had mentioned it. Now all of a sudden it became vital.
“Okay, at least you’ve got a john in here. No way am I walking naked to that excuse for a bathroom. Even if I looked like a guy.”
“Do you want to go first, Ray?”
Ray had unconsciously put his legs closer together. “Sure, Benny.”
“I’ll wait.”
“Great.
Ray wandered into the small bathroom and closed the door. He didn’t want to see Fraser looking at him whilst he had a pee. Benny had already been giving him funny looks.
The seat was up, so Ray sat down. That part he could do, he’d done it before, as a guy. He still was a guy, but now he was a guy who felt cold and naked. He saw goose bumps on his breasts and then felt embarrassed for looking at them in the first place. At least his weren’t as distracting as Fraser’s.
Ray wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be doing and it took a good five minutes before nature won out and he achieved a result. He felt even more embarrassed as he left the bathroom and Fraser took over. Ray felt worse when he was disappointed at Fraser closing the door.
He paced the apartment, trying to distract himself with looking at the peeling paint and wondering about helping Fraser redecorate. The place could certainly do with a couch. A couch would have come in handy the previous night.
The memories of last night’s love-making seemed such a long time ago. Ray started to wonder if he’d forget what it was like to make love to a guy. Or make love as a guy. Or both. He wasn’t sure anymore.
Diefenbaker seemed to recognise him as he paced, offering some comfort and begging for breakfast. Ray finally filled Dief’s bowl with food. Being naked like this and bending down to pour the kibble into the bowl, Ray felt ridiculous. His breasts seemed to dangle and sway. He couldn’t wait to be upright again.
Finally, Fraser reappeared.
“What took you so long?”
“I wasn’t long, Ray. I would estimate I was seven and a half minutes.”
“You were just going to the john.”
“I was, Ray. But erm I had to…” Fraser blushed and Ray took his meaning.
“Oh…sorry, Benny.”
“It’s all right, Ray. I do have an idea about who can we ask to help us in our current situation.”
“Who?”
“Ms Lily.”
“That weird gypsy?”
“She’s not a gypsy, Ray. Although she does have some Romany ancestors on her mother’s side, culturally speaking she’s not…”
“Okay, okay, will she be able to get us back to normal?”
“I don’t know, Ray, but she might be able to shed some light on the situation.”
Ray sighed. “Fine, we’ve got nothing else.”
“I’ll get us some clothes, Ray.”
“Yeah, I bet my shirt won’t fit over these.” Ray indicated the two adornments on his chest.
“I would think it’s unlikely, Ray.”
“So what are we wearing? I’m going to end up looking like a lumberjack.”
“We don’t need to use my shirts, Ray. I still have a selection of women’s clothing from my time as Ms Fraser.”
“You kept them?”
“They might have come in handy. In fact, they have come in handy. I’d also removed the tags and the store wouldn’t accept them back.”
Ray felt himself growing rather warm at the sight of Fraser rummaging in the closet. He felt a bit flushed, and he was getting feelings in a certain place down there that he recognised as being arousal. It felt weird, but there was no doubt about it, Ray couldn’t blame it on anything else. He was in a woman’s body getting hot about Fraser in a woman’s body. Was he a lesbian now?
Ray groaned and went to find his underwear which had been flung carelessly about the apartment. At least how he felt wasn’t obvious on the outside. If he had still been a guy, he would have been obvious but as a woman it wasn’t so clear. He pulled his boxers on, relieved they still fit.
“Ray?”
“What?” Ray’s tone was rather sharp as he turned to see Fraser with an armful of clothes.
“I think I’ve found some clothes that are suitable.”
Ray took a look at what Fraser was laying out on the bed.
“Floral? You’re going to make me wear floral?”
“It will look fine on you, Ray. This one looks your size.”
“Only a woman buys floral,” Ray muttered as he grabbed the item of clothing Fraser pointed to, trying not to look at him. He was still confused as to why his body was reacting the way it was.
“Ray, stop.”
“What?”
“You’ll need one of these.” Fraser held out a bra. “Unfortunately, I’m not sure this is the right size.”
“Does it matter?”
“Yes, Ray, it does. Wearing the correctly sized bra is important in making sure you’re comfortable.”
“Well, hopefully I’m not going to be wearing it for too long.”
“I could make you one.”
“Out of what?”
“Well, handkerchiefs and wire.”
“No. I am not wearing a home-made bra.”
“Well, perhaps I could…”
“Look just put some clothes on and let’s go.”
“All right, Ray. I’ll get changed in the closet.”
“So, I have to bear the public humiliation.”
“There’s no one else around, Ray, well, except Diefenbaker, and he’s already seen you naked.”
“Thanks.”
As Fraser disappeared into the closet, Ray sighed. Why was this his life?
Ray struggled with the clothes Fraser had given him. He tried the panty hose, but gave up when it got stuck halfway up his leg. It was itchy, too. His legs did have some hair on them, though less than it had been, and the nylon seemed to cause irritation.
He struggled with the bra for a long time before he felt gentle hands at his back.
“Ray, you know it’s easier if you turn it around to the front and then do the clasp.”
“What, wear it backwards?” Ray shifted as he felt Fraser fastening the bra up. It felt incredibly intimate.
“No, you would then move it to the front.”
“Who taught you that?”
“It seemed logical, Ray,” Fraser replied as he smoothed his hands over Ray’s back. “Your skin is soft.”
Ray shivered. “So is yours.”
Fraser removed his hands, bra fastened and in place. “I’ll leave you to finish getting dressed.”
Ray turned around to see Fraser had already finished. He wore what he had as Ms Fraser and yet there was something different. Last time, Ray had to admit Fraser had looked like a man in drag, but this time? This time, there was an unmistakeable femininity to Fraser. It wasn’t just he wasn’t wearing a wig but had real hair, beautiful touchable hair, but his whole face was less masculine. Ray still recognised him or her as Fraser.
“Yeah, I better get ready,” Ray replied as he picked up the dress.
“If you need any help, Ray, just ask.”
“What are you doing?” Ray asked, his voice muffled as he pulled the dress over his head.
“Looking for my make-up, Ray.”
“You have make-up?”
“I didn’t get rid of it after I finished the Ms Fraser assignment.”
“You thought it might come in handy?” Ray asked, as he finally got the dress over his head and fumbled for the zipper.
“Well, yes, Ray. I did think about giving it to your sister, but I was afraid she might have misinterpreted my gesture.”
Fraser strained a little as he managed to locate the bag. Unfortunately, it was stuck at the back of the drawer.
“Having trouble there, Benny?” Ray asked as he finally managed to locate the zipper and pull it up the rest of the way.
“Oh no, no trouble, Ray.” Fraser said, and with one last effort pulled out the bag.
It was a big bag; enough for a month’s supply, if Ray gauged it by his sister’s use.
“Geez, Fraser how much make-up do you need?”
“I admit, I may have over-purchased what I required, but I wanted to make sure I had the right types available for my colouring.”
Ray groaned. “Next you’ll be telling me you asked Francesca for her advice about what lipstick to wear.”
“I did ask her what she would choose if she had a similar skin tone to myself.”
“You talked to my sister about make-up? Who knows what she thinks about you now.”
“She seemed pleased I was interested.”
“Yeah, until she starts asking your opinion on what colour nail varnish to wear. She’ll probably start thinking of you as her gay best friend.”
“At the time I asked her, Ray, she was unaware of my sexual orientation, and really I would think I’m bisexual rather than homosexual, although…”
“Look, can we stop talking about this?”
“Ah, yes, Ray. I think this shade might suit you.” Fraser held up a lipstick. It looked red to Ray, very red.
“I am not wearing make-up.”
“You know, Ray, it’s actually not too bad once you get used it. Although, I did develop an allergy to the foundation I used, possibly due to…”
“Fraser! I am not wearing make-up.”
“It’s only whilst we’re out in public, Ray.”
“Look, we’re not going to be out in public,” Ray said starting to pace. “We’re going to be in the Riv, then we’re going to see this Ms Lily, and unless she reads palms in the mall we’re not going to be in public.”
“If people see us, Ray…”
“Nobody is going to see us.”
“They will, there’s no tinted glass in the Riveria and Ms Lily might have other clients to see, we’d have to wait, in which case…”
“So they see me without makeup, big deal.”
“You’d look good in make-up, Ray.”
“You want me to wear it? Is this some weird fantasy you have?”
“Oh Ray, my personal preference aside, think about it as being undercover. In this body, people will expect certain things of you.”
“Not every woman goes out there wearing make-up.”
“Perhaps not, but your dress is quite formal.”
“Floral, Benny, floral.”
“Still, it indicates some effort on your part to dress up.”
“Because you didn’t have anything else.”
“But the casual observer won’t recognise that, so it’s important that your whole self matches your persona.”
“Okay, I’ll wear the damn lipstick, but not that stuff, it’s bright red.”
“Yes, Ray to match your complexion.”
“My complexion?”
“You’ve been very lucky to have been blessed with a darker complexion than my own, no doubt due to your Italian parents. It enables you to be quite bold in your choice of cosmetics.”
“I have no choice of cosmetics.”
“Not to…”
“The casual observer, I get it.”
Fraser undid the top of the lipstick. “Would you like me to put it on for you?”
Throughout the cosmetic conversation Ray had been relieved that his body hadn’t been reacting to Fraser’s, but now he wasn’t so sure he could keep that up. The thought of Fraser doing it was so appealing. In the end, Ray nodded. He didn’t trust himself not to squeak.
Gently, Fraser came closer, so close, Ray could feel his breath, her breath, whatever. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t been in this position before, but at least then he’d known why his body was reacting. This was something new.
“Open your mouth, Ray.
Ray tried to open it in the way he’d seen his sisters do when they had to put on makeup. He felt a soft touch as Fraser drew a finger across them, moulding his lips, getting them into the correct position. Ray would have sighed if he’d been able. Then, the thumb was gone and was replaced by the lipstick. It glided over his lips gently, staining them with colour.
“Purse your lips, Ray.”
Ray did as he was told, imitating his sisters.
“That’s it?”
“I was going to suggest some mascara, Ray but your eyes are beautiful enough without it.”
“Are you sure?” Ray asked, not because he wanted to wear mascara but because he wanted Fraser to put it on for him.
“Well, perhaps a little might accentuate them. You do have lovely eyes, Ray.”
Ray stood still whilst mascara was applied, keeping his eyes open and trying to stare into Fraser’s own. Those blue eyes were so full of concentration, and love, too. Fraser was enjoying this, Ray could tell. It would have been so easy to kiss the lips so close to his own. Lips that had retained their cupid bow shape, now looking even softer. Then there was a touch of some sort of powder applied to Ray’s cheeks and it was done.
Ray felt a little disappointed as Fraser drew away. He tried not to let on how disappointed he really was.
“Okay, I’m ready,” he said, quickly trying to change the subject. “Let’s go.”
Ray moved toward the door.
“Ray, you don’t expect me to go out looking like this, do you?”
Belatedly realising Fraser was make-up-less, Ray covered. “Erm, no, Benny.”
Fraser took the makeup to the small bathroom, where there was a mirror, and began to apply it with his usual Mountie precision.
“Need, any help, there, Benny?”
“Ah no, Ray, thank you kindly.
Ray just watched as those hands applied the lipstick. He’d always liked Benny’s hands, but this was something new. The hands were still Fraser’s, still square and strong looking, but softer somehow. For the first time, Ray studied his own. They didn’t look all that different. The nails were slightly longer, but nowhere as long as the false nails Francesca insisted on spending a fortune on. They looked like his hands, even though there were ‘her hands’.
So absorbed by this was Ray, he failed to notice Fraser had finished.
“Ray, I’m ready to go now.”
Ray looked at a Fraser with make-up on and decided that even as a woman he didn’t need it. In fact, he looked better without it in Ray’s opinion. Realising he was doing the staring thing again, Ray chose to touch his hair as a distraction.
“Okay then, let’s go,” he said, running his hand through his hair. He had to admit, it felt pretty good.
“Ray, I’m just wondering, if you drive the Riv, what would happen if we got pulled over? You don’t own a female driver’s licence.”
“So the cops think we’re the Chicago version of Thelma and Louise. I don’t know, we’ll charm them.”
“Ray, you’re not suggesting flirting with an officer of the law in order to avoid a traffic citation?”
“Frannie does it all the time.”
“Hasn’t she been arrested?”
“I didn’t say she was good at it.”
“Oh well, you seem to know more about this than me.”
“I’ll be careful driving, okay. You just tell me the directions.”
“All right, Ray.”
Fraser turned to Diefenbaker. Ray had forgotten the wolf was even there. “You can visit Maggie while we’re gone, if you’d like, Dief.”
Dief whined and disappeared out of the window. Ray could have sworn he’d winked.
“Shall we, Ray?”
“Yeah, aren’t your neighbours going to think it’s weird that there are two strange women leaving your apartment?”
“I wouldn’t worry, Ray, they’ve seen far more unusual things.
Ray couldn’t argue there, but still, he was as quiet as possible as they walked down the stairs. He was wearing socks. He didn’t want to risk falling in the heels Fraser had lent him. He’d drive in the socks then take them off and switch to shoes when they were at Ms Lily’s. He didn’t like the look of them, but he knew he didn’t have much choice, sooner or later he’d have to wear them. At least he’d persuaded Fraser he’d be fine without pantyhose.
It was still early enough that there weren’t too many people, just the homeless guys who greeted them perfectly normally. Ray had to shake his head at the weirdness of the neighbourhood, before they managed to climb into the Riv and drive away.
They had been driving for about five minutes when Fraser spoke up. “Perhaps we should call your mother.”
“And tell her what?”
“I’m not sure, Ray.”
“In case you haven’t noticed, Benny, I don’t sound like her son. I sound like a woman. No way am I going to try and explain that one to Ma.”
“Is that also why you haven’t called Lieutenant Welsh?”
“Yeah, I’m not singing soprano to my boss.”
“You wouldn’t have to sing to him, Ray.”
“It’s just a figure of speech, Benny.”
“Oh.”
“What, were you were going to call Thatcher and tell her why you’re not going to be standing guard today, unless you can borrow her uniform?”
“That wouldn’t be appropriate, Ray. She’s an Inspector, I’m a Constable. It wouldn’t be right for me to wear her uniform.”
“Well, you can’t wear that, either.”
“No. I could call the consulate and leave a message with Turnbull.”
“Who would get the wrong idea and explain it so Thatcher would think you’ve gone off with a woman somewhere.”
“I am going somewhere with a woman.”
“Fraser, I am not a woman.”
“You look like a woman.”
“Well I’m not. I’m still called Ray.”
“Ray can be a woman’s name, although the spelling would be slightly different.”
“Yeah, well I spell it R. A. Y. so I’m still a guy.”
“Not physically.”
“Can we drop this? We’re going to see Ms Lily, she’s going to give us a cure, we’re going to be guys again and then everything is going to be back to normal.”
“If you say so, Ray.”
Ray could tell there was something else Fraser hadn’t said. “What?
“You don’t find this experience has made you think about certain issues?”
“I’m going to forget it, that’s it.”
“All right, Ray.”
There was silence for the rest of the trip, until Ray pulled in and parked. It turned out Ms Lily actually had her place of business in a pretty nice spot. Ray suspected it was to do with cashing in on a sudden trend for the paranormal among the slightly better off residents of Chicago, but he didn’t mention this to Fraser.
They got out of the car. Ray felt unsteady on his feet in the heels he’d replaced his socks with and Fraser took hold of his arm to steady him. In fact, when Ray tripped, Fraser had to support him fully.
“Benny, what are people going to think?”
“That one woman is helping her friend who feels a little dizzy. Don’t worry, Ray, people aren’t going to suspect anything.”
“I am worried. I’ve been worried since I woke up and found out I was touching a breast.”
Ray hoped Ms Lily could provide some answers. There was no way he was getting used to walking in these shoes.
They went inside and Ray managed to stay upright for long enough for them to walk through a bead curtain at the entrance to a small room. The door opposite them opened and a woman stepped out. She was wearing surprisingly ordinary clothes, a blouse and skirt. For a moment, Ray wondered is this was Ms Lily’s secretary.
“I’ve been expecting you ladies,” she said. “Please, come in.”
Ray felt Fraser’s hand slip into his as they walked through the doorway, following the mysterious woman who seemed to think she knew who they were. The space was actually brighter than Ray had expected.
“Take a seat,” she said, indicating two chairs near small, red velvet covered table. She took the chair opposite.
Gingerly, Ray sat down. He never let go of Fraser’s hand.
“Fraser, Ray,” she began.
“You know our names?” Ray asked in surprise.
“Of course I do.”
“How?”
“That’s not important,” she replied.
“Not important! I…”
“Ray, please. Ms Lily has met me before, no doubt she recognises me.”
“What, with breasts and long hair?”
“Diefenbaker recognised us.”
“He’s a wolf; he can use his sense of smell.”
“Nevertheless, Ms Lily is very intuitive.”
“Yeah, so how come she knows who I am?”
Ms Lily spoke up. “She is in the same room as you, Ray, and there’s only person in Chicago who would hold hands with Fraser.”
Ray almost pulled his hand away from Fraser’s, but at the last minute stopped. A smile played on Ms Lily’s face.
“You’ve come to me about your situation?”
“Yeah, so what can you do?” Ray asked.
“Very quick to ask for help aren’t you, Ray? Especially when you didn’t believe I could recognise you in your current form.”
“He doesn’t mean anything by it, Ms Lily.”
“It’s all right, Fraser. I understand,” she paused. “I can’t do anything for you.”
“Great.”
“But you can.”
“So there is a cure?”
“It’s not a cure you’re looking for, Ray.”
“You think I want to stay like this?”
“It’s not that, not at all. You need something else in order to effect a change.”
“What?”
“You need to accept the love you have for each other.”
“That’s it?”
“Yes.”
Ray felt frustrated, he couldn’t be stuck like this. “No magic potions? No spells? Just that?”
“You have to look into your heart and you’ll find the answer.
“We drove all the way across Chicago for that? Geez.”
“It isn’t an easy cure, Ray, but it’s the only one available to you.”
“Accepting the love between us? I love Benny; he loves me, and that’s it.”
“It isn’t, Ray and deep down you know that. Your body knows it. She knows it.” Ms Lily pointed to the strangely quiet Fraser.
“Benny isn’t a she.”
“Ah, then there is hope.”
“How do you mean there’s hope?”
“I’ve said all I can, you should go,” she waved them away.
“Why did we come here? All you say is a bunch of bull.”
Fraser held Ray back from a further tirade. The feel of Fraser’s arms around him did make Ray slightly calmer. At least they were in this together.
“I’m sorry Ms Lily, Ray is just emotional.”
“It’s all right, Fraser, take your lover home.”
“I will.”
“And remember what I said.”
“Yes, we will, won’t we, Ray?”
“Yeah right,” Ray grumbled.
Ray complained as they walked back to the Riv, he complained as they drove back to Fraser’s apartment and, despite the possibility of the neighbours hearing, he complained all the way to Fraser’s apartment. Fraser maintained his strange silence.
“So that’s it? We’re going to be stuck like this for the rest of our lives and…”
Ray didn’t have time to finish the sentence before he was pressed up against the thin dividing wall and kissed, hard. He could taste the lipstick Fraser was wearing and the lipstick he was wearing too. Mingled in there was the taste of a mouth he knew so well. A hand ran through and then gripped his hair.
Everything he’d been feeling in the apartment that morning slammed into him. He could tell desire when he recognised it, a tingling sensation, he felt warm, he could feel his heart beating and he was uncomfortably aware he was getting wet down there.
Fraser pulled back from the kiss.
“Benny…” A finger on his lips stopped him.
“Shhh, Ray, we’re going to make love.”
“But…”
“No buts, Ray, you heard Ms Lily. You have to accept this.”
“I don’t know if I can,” Ray whispered.
“I know how you’re feeling, Ray. I could tell this morning. You might think your arousal was hidden, but it wasn’t.”
“It wasn’t?”
“No, Ray, and neither was mine.”
Fraser kissed him again. He had a great kiss, Ray was lost in it. He let Fraser undress them and at the undoing of the bra clasp, Ray got flashbacks to earlier that morning and the intimacy he’d felt then. If only he’d picked up on it and acted on it. This morning being naked had been strange, but it hasn’t been like this.
Ray knew what he wanted to do and it seemed Fraser knew how to do it. It was at first odd not to have their chests pressed together, but their breasts were also sensitive, perhaps more so than their bare chests. Fraser moved to gently knead Ray’s breasts who moaned and gave a happy sigh of pleasure and ran his fingers through the brown hair tickling his neck.
They took their time before moving to the bed. At first it felt a bit awkward to be holding each other like this, but Ray soon relaxed and began to be less passive. He nuzzled Fraser’s soft skin and ran a thumb across a nipple. Ray felt a gentle hand on his nape and hands in his hair as he was drawn into another deep, wet kiss.
When they finally made it to the bed they were pressed up against each other. Ray was uncomfortably aware of his arousal and he rubbed up against Fraser. They fell onto the sheets, still messy since earlier that morning, panting from their kisses. Fraser ran a hand down Ray’s body and Ray shivered as he realised how obvious female arousal could be.
They lay on their sides, arms wrapped around each other, kissing and touching each other. Ray ran his hands down Fraser’s body, feeling the unfamiliar contours and revelling in the soft skin under his fingertips as they danced across it. He pushed his groin forward, not sure what he was really seeking.
Fraser knew what he was seeking and gently rolled Ray into his back. Ray knew Fraser was oral, he’d had enough experience to know that, but even he took in a deep breath when those lips began touching him.
Fraser started at the top, paying particular attention to Ray’s nipples, which had always been sensitive. This time, though, he sucked them whilst gently kneading Ray’s breasts. Then he made his way slowly downward, nipping, licking and nuzzling Ray.
By this point Ray knew he was moaning and whimpering, he was barely coherent enough to beg, but he didn’t need to worry. Butterfly kisses were planted on his thighs before Fraser tackled the most intimate part of Ray’s arousal, where it was soft, wet, and throbbing. It didn’t take much, Ray was barely aware of exactly what Fraser was doing, but he could feel the sensations. Fraser’s long hair tickled his thighs and Ray ran his fingers through it and down Fraser’s back. He opened his eyes to take in what he was seeing. The sensation became too much and he came.
He’d opened his eyes to find he was panting, his chest heaving. “I love, you, Benny, he whispered. Fraser made his way up so that he was once again level with Ray and kissed him. Belatedly, Ray realised what exactly it was that he was tasting. He felt bold now, bold enough to explore in detail the feminine body Benny currently possessed.
He smiled as he gently touched Fraser between his legs. It was strange to be touching softness instead of hardness, but Ray did so. Then as Fraser lay back to allow Ray better access, Ray saw how beautifully Fraser was smiling. He shared a brief kiss before continuing what he hoped would be the best sex of Fraser’s life.
They continued their sexual intimacy all night long. Ray had known what sex with Benny was like when they were men, but this was different. He’d made love to women before after-all, but not when he himself was a woman. Using his body as best he could, he learnt how to improvise, how to use his instincts. Fraser was still Fraser, still tasted the same, still had the same erogenous zones, and Ray was bolstered by this. Fraser was still his lover, they loved each other and they physically expressed that love. They took joy in each other. Of course, they had taken joy in each other as men, but somehow that love-making had been tinged with something not present anymore. Ray didn’t know what it was.
Ray woke up snuggled into a warm body and sighed happily. He was asleep with Benny. He knew instinctively where Benny’s neck was and reached out to kiss it. As he did, so he moved a hand to the front to see of he could play with Fraser’s breasts, only to find they weren’t there.
Ray opened his eyes and sat up. Benny was a guy again. The body next to him was definitely male. Ray pulled the cover down and sure enough, Fraser’s body was completely and totally male.
Fraser mumbled at the sudden change in temperature before he woke up.
“You’re a guy, Benny,” Ray said as Fraser made his way back to consciousness.
“So are you, Ray,” Fraser answered casually.
Ray looked down and yes, his body was back to normal. “How?”
“You did what Ms Lily told us, you accepted our love.”
“By having sex as a lesbian?”
“Oh, Ray it wasn’t that. You made love without holding any part of you back.”
“I don’t hold back.”
Fraser drew Ray back down and into his arms. “You did, Ray. There’s always been something that you’ve kept hidden, as if making love to me as a man reminded you of pain you’d rather forget. But as a woman, you didn’t have that worry, you didn’t know how to hold back.”
“I’m sorry, Benny.”
“You’ve nothing to be sorry for, Ray. I know in your past you’ve made love to men and been hurt by the emotional aftermath.”
“I’ve been hurt by women too.”
“But not in the same way, Ray. You’ve not had to wonder if you should be loving a woman so much.”
“I love you, Benny.”
“I know you do, Ray.”
“I don’t want to hold back.”
“Then don’t,” Fraser replied.
Ray could recognise a hint when he heard one. He didn’t waste any time in pressing his lips to Fraser’s. He acted as he had the night before. This time, they touched other with the love they felt and remembered. At one point, when Ray pulled back to see Fraser’s face, he felt a hint of guilt and pain from the past, but he ignored it, and instead explored his lover thoroughly.
He’d always enjoyed making love with Fraser, but now he could do it without any worries. This was how love was supposed to be, how it had been all along if he’d accepted it. This was a love to last the rest of a lifetime.
Ray showed his love through words and actions. They came together in a wonderful haze of endorphins and what Ray liked to believe was love. He was cuddled and nuzzled by Fraser, who had clearly enjoyed every minute of it. Ray smiled as he drifted back to post-coital sleep.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“We love each other,” Fraser replied.
Some days later in a building across down a woman took receipt of a bunch of flowers. She turned over the card and read the neat script.
‘Ms Lily
Your assistance in helping Ray and I was invaluable.
Thank you kindly,
BF’
Ms Lily smiled. She knew that in an apartment across town there were two men, very much in love and very, very happy.