Fic: Out of the Mouths of Babes
Title: Out of the Mouths of Babes
Author: aibhinn
Beta babes: sensiblecat, joely_jo, and larielromeniel.
Rating: PG
Characters: Ten/Rose, Jack/Gwen
Spoilers: The One Adventure He'll Never Have. Sort of.
Summary: Seven-year-olds say a lot of funny things. Some of them are embarrassing. The most embarrassing are said in perfect innocence, in front of one's friends.
Author's Note: I've absolutely no idea where this came from. It just sort of appeared in my brain and insisted upon being written. You may whap me upside the head; really, I deserve it for this one. Crackish fic-you have been warned. Part of the One Adventure He'll Never Have-verse.
Rose leant back against the Doctor's chest, a bottle of cider in her hand, watching their children playing football with the other kids in the park. The Doctor tightened his arms around her in a gentle hug, never interrupting his discussion with Gwen and Jack, who were sitting beside them in a matching position: Gwen seated between Jack's legs, her back to his chest. Rose listened to the conversation with half her attention; the other half was mostly taken up with watching Thalia and Alex playing, though a tiny portion of it was enjoying the July sunshine and being amused by the sheer domesticity of the scene.
"…never, and I do mean never, look a B'luvian female in the eye; it's an invitation to combat if you're female, and an invitation to mate if you're male. I know you've given up your status as intergalactic playboy, Jack, but even if you hadn't, trust me, nobody could find a B'luvian female attractive. Not even the B'luvian males; she has a stinger that she uses to drug them into insensibility so she can fertilise her eggs."
Jack shuddered. "I've run into 'em before. There really aren't many species that I can't get at least some aesthetic enjoyment from, but the B'luvians are one of the few."
"Why? What's wrong with them?" Gwen asked.
"They look like a cross between an iguana and a sea cucumber," Jack said with another shudder. Gwen laughed, and he said, "No, really, I mean it. With the eye-stalks and slime trail of a slug."
"Believe me, you don't want to be on the receiving end of that stinger, either," the Doctor said, grimacing. "I don't know about human physiology, but to me, it felt like every pain cell came on-line all at once, screaming. For the best part of an hour. Good job it took a while for the poison to kick in; I had just enough time to scramble up a ladder into the rafters where they couldn't follow, and secure myself so I wouldn't fall, before I started shaking and moaning."
"Ooh," Jack teased, eyes twinkling. "Tied up and shaking and moaning. Sounds like a fun Saturday night to me." Gwen thumped him, and he rubbed his arm in protest. "Hey!"
Motion caught Rose's eye, and she looked over to see her son running toward them, glistening with sweat and grinning ear-to-ear. "Water," Rose said firmly once Alex drew near, breaking the Doctor's hold on her to reach for the cool-box and draw out a pair of dripping-wet bottles. "And one for Thalia as well. The two of you are to drink all of this, okay?"
"Okay." Alex took both bottles. "Mummy, shouldn't we go home soon?"
"Why?" she asked, frowning. "Is something wrong? You look like you're having fun out there."
"We are," he said earnestly. "But if we're going to church tomorrow, shouldn't we go to bed early?"
Startled, Rose glanced back at the Doctor, who looked equally taken aback. So did Gwen and Jack, for that matter. "We're not going to church, Alex," his father said.
"We're not?"
"No," Rose said. "Why would you think we were? We never go to church."
Alex's brow was furrowed. "But you were praying, Mummy. I heard you."
"You heard me praying?" Rose repeated, completely lost. "When was this, sweetheart?"
"Last night," Alex said, still earnestly. "I got up to get a drink of water and I could hear you. You were saying 'oh God, oh God, oh God,' and that's praying, because praying means talking to God."
A sudden, shocking image of just what she'd been doing flashed on the backs of Rose's eyelids, and she felt herself flushing a bright, vivid red. A glance showed the Doctor's eyes snapping with amusement and, thankfully, a flush on his cheeks as well. Gwen and Jack had both covered their mouths with a hand and were also turning red, though Rose suspected that it was because they were trying so hard not to laugh.
"Perhaps some day we'll go to church, Alex," the Doctor said at last, his voice only a little strained. Rose still couldn't make her own voice work at all. "But not tomorrow. Off you go, and make sure Thalia drinks her water."
"Oh. Okay." Unflustered, Alex turned round and ran for the group of children, holding up one of the bottles of water and yelling something unintelligible to Thalia.
All four of them managed to hold it together until he was out of earshot, then they collapsed into peals of laughter, leaning against each other and howling. Tears ran down their cheeks and they gasped for breath, clutching their sides. "Oh," Gwen managed, one hand on her stomach. "Ohhh! That was-"
"More embarrassing than anything since the pictures Shareen took down the pub at New Year's 2005?" Rose asked, catching her own breath. She wiped her eyes and looked at the Doctor, who had been laughing as much as they, but had an oddly satisfied look in his eye as well-pleased all over again at having made her cry out so loudly last night, no doubt. "And you can wipe that smug look off your face," she told him. "I swear, men and their egos."
"I suppose it's just as well Alex didn't hear you, too, Doctor, or he might have decided to take holy orders," Jack put in, making them all snort with laughter again.
"No, that'll be when he's a little older and knows what's going on," the Doctor said. "But he wouldn't think I was praying anyway."
"Oh?" Jack enquired, one eyebrow raised.
"He swears in Gallifreyan," Rose explained.
"And they're words I've not taught either of them," the Doctor confirmed. "So they wouldn't know what they meant. And since they're in Gallifreyan, if they decided to repeat any of it, nobody would know what they were saying."
Rose was still blushing; she could feel it. She scrubbed her hands over her face. "Don't suppose the two of you would mind watching the kids for an hour or two?" she said to Jack and Gwen.
"Running off to practice your new style of worship?" Jack asked with a teasing leer.
"Actually, I was thinking along the lines of the nearest DIY store."
The Doctor looked at her, brow furrowed for a moment before comprehension dawned and his features cleared. "Let me guess," he said. "A soundproof door."
"Too right," Rose said fervently.
Author: aibhinn
Beta babes: sensiblecat, joely_jo, and larielromeniel.
Rating: PG
Characters: Ten/Rose, Jack/Gwen
Spoilers: The One Adventure He'll Never Have. Sort of.
Summary: Seven-year-olds say a lot of funny things. Some of them are embarrassing. The most embarrassing are said in perfect innocence, in front of one's friends.
Author's Note: I've absolutely no idea where this came from. It just sort of appeared in my brain and insisted upon being written. You may whap me upside the head; really, I deserve it for this one. Crackish fic-you have been warned. Part of the One Adventure He'll Never Have-verse.
Rose leant back against the Doctor's chest, a bottle of cider in her hand, watching their children playing football with the other kids in the park. The Doctor tightened his arms around her in a gentle hug, never interrupting his discussion with Gwen and Jack, who were sitting beside them in a matching position: Gwen seated between Jack's legs, her back to his chest. Rose listened to the conversation with half her attention; the other half was mostly taken up with watching Thalia and Alex playing, though a tiny portion of it was enjoying the July sunshine and being amused by the sheer domesticity of the scene.
"…never, and I do mean never, look a B'luvian female in the eye; it's an invitation to combat if you're female, and an invitation to mate if you're male. I know you've given up your status as intergalactic playboy, Jack, but even if you hadn't, trust me, nobody could find a B'luvian female attractive. Not even the B'luvian males; she has a stinger that she uses to drug them into insensibility so she can fertilise her eggs."
Jack shuddered. "I've run into 'em before. There really aren't many species that I can't get at least some aesthetic enjoyment from, but the B'luvians are one of the few."
"Why? What's wrong with them?" Gwen asked.
"They look like a cross between an iguana and a sea cucumber," Jack said with another shudder. Gwen laughed, and he said, "No, really, I mean it. With the eye-stalks and slime trail of a slug."
"Believe me, you don't want to be on the receiving end of that stinger, either," the Doctor said, grimacing. "I don't know about human physiology, but to me, it felt like every pain cell came on-line all at once, screaming. For the best part of an hour. Good job it took a while for the poison to kick in; I had just enough time to scramble up a ladder into the rafters where they couldn't follow, and secure myself so I wouldn't fall, before I started shaking and moaning."
"Ooh," Jack teased, eyes twinkling. "Tied up and shaking and moaning. Sounds like a fun Saturday night to me." Gwen thumped him, and he rubbed his arm in protest. "Hey!"
Motion caught Rose's eye, and she looked over to see her son running toward them, glistening with sweat and grinning ear-to-ear. "Water," Rose said firmly once Alex drew near, breaking the Doctor's hold on her to reach for the cool-box and draw out a pair of dripping-wet bottles. "And one for Thalia as well. The two of you are to drink all of this, okay?"
"Okay." Alex took both bottles. "Mummy, shouldn't we go home soon?"
"Why?" she asked, frowning. "Is something wrong? You look like you're having fun out there."
"We are," he said earnestly. "But if we're going to church tomorrow, shouldn't we go to bed early?"
Startled, Rose glanced back at the Doctor, who looked equally taken aback. So did Gwen and Jack, for that matter. "We're not going to church, Alex," his father said.
"We're not?"
"No," Rose said. "Why would you think we were? We never go to church."
Alex's brow was furrowed. "But you were praying, Mummy. I heard you."
"You heard me praying?" Rose repeated, completely lost. "When was this, sweetheart?"
"Last night," Alex said, still earnestly. "I got up to get a drink of water and I could hear you. You were saying 'oh God, oh God, oh God,' and that's praying, because praying means talking to God."
A sudden, shocking image of just what she'd been doing flashed on the backs of Rose's eyelids, and she felt herself flushing a bright, vivid red. A glance showed the Doctor's eyes snapping with amusement and, thankfully, a flush on his cheeks as well. Gwen and Jack had both covered their mouths with a hand and were also turning red, though Rose suspected that it was because they were trying so hard not to laugh.
"Perhaps some day we'll go to church, Alex," the Doctor said at last, his voice only a little strained. Rose still couldn't make her own voice work at all. "But not tomorrow. Off you go, and make sure Thalia drinks her water."
"Oh. Okay." Unflustered, Alex turned round and ran for the group of children, holding up one of the bottles of water and yelling something unintelligible to Thalia.
All four of them managed to hold it together until he was out of earshot, then they collapsed into peals of laughter, leaning against each other and howling. Tears ran down their cheeks and they gasped for breath, clutching their sides. "Oh," Gwen managed, one hand on her stomach. "Ohhh! That was-"
"More embarrassing than anything since the pictures Shareen took down the pub at New Year's 2005?" Rose asked, catching her own breath. She wiped her eyes and looked at the Doctor, who had been laughing as much as they, but had an oddly satisfied look in his eye as well-pleased all over again at having made her cry out so loudly last night, no doubt. "And you can wipe that smug look off your face," she told him. "I swear, men and their egos."
"I suppose it's just as well Alex didn't hear you, too, Doctor, or he might have decided to take holy orders," Jack put in, making them all snort with laughter again.
"No, that'll be when he's a little older and knows what's going on," the Doctor said. "But he wouldn't think I was praying anyway."
"Oh?" Jack enquired, one eyebrow raised.
"He swears in Gallifreyan," Rose explained.
"And they're words I've not taught either of them," the Doctor confirmed. "So they wouldn't know what they meant. And since they're in Gallifreyan, if they decided to repeat any of it, nobody would know what they were saying."
Rose was still blushing; she could feel it. She scrubbed her hands over her face. "Don't suppose the two of you would mind watching the kids for an hour or two?" she said to Jack and Gwen.
"Running off to practice your new style of worship?" Jack asked with a teasing leer.
"Actually, I was thinking along the lines of the nearest DIY store."
The Doctor looked at her, brow furrowed for a moment before comprehension dawned and his features cleared. "Let me guess," he said. "A soundproof door."
"Too right," Rose said fervently.