[YamaChii] The Pollaroid-Effect (part 1)
The Polaroid-Effect
© ainomesseji
Pairing: YamaChii; YamaJima Genre: Drama, Slice of Life, Romance, Angst
Summary: In his eyes, everything rolls like that of an instant camera. In every click, there are developed films that are called memories. The smiles, the sadness, the tears, and the lingering affection that comes with the pain, especially of being detained due to choice, but not due to what the heart says. That is all, all a part of those memories engraved into one’s being until death. But since happiness is always his priority, he gave in to chance. He gave up on everything so that he can be a part of a memory and of a destiny of a forever that cannot even be his. But he did that all. That one great sacrifice, just for the sake of a single smile. A single smile that can touch his soul, brighten up his world and be lay down upon him with love-just like before, just like when it used to be his.
…
“With this one last shot, please show me your most beautiful smile.”
Click…
…goodbye
…
After years of building a foundation together, of promising each other the words together, always and forever, there will come a time when all those once moments of bliss, when all those treasured hugs, those heartfelt kisses and promising moments, will turn into nothingness. A gray palette, that’s been left forgotten, that’s been thrashed and thrown away into the sea of memories of a once called a beautiful love story, between an “Us”, that by an instant turned blearily into a simple “You” and a “Me” with no connection and no strings attached.
And that ending is something achingly painful, right? Especially, if the reason of the loss is not because of being fed up with each other or losing the light of love. The reason, it’s more deceiving. It’s more deep and traitorous, since there existed a person-an intervention that ruined the peace and the sweet blessing that is called a relationship-a happy ending.
But through all that realization and pain, never did he let go. He never did, because he never did felt the need to go astray and let loose of his feelings-more so himself, whose heart is meant to love only one. He never did-ever, even if it hurts, because he can’t live without the other. He really can’t, since the other-his significant one-his Yamada Ryosuke. He is the only reason why he can breathe, why he can be a person wholly. Because Yamada Ryosuke, he is the person who made him want to continue on. He made him want to feel the need to be alive and be needed back, since Yamada Ryosuke. He is everything-the world and the oxygen, to someone, someone named Chinen-Chinen Yuri.
However, even if Yamada Ryosuke means everything to Chinen Yuri, the route of the wind changes, the flowers that bloom during the month of May wither because the seasons change. Just like the things in this world, they don’t stay permanent. They all get old, tired and weary. So if that’s the case then, what more so for a heart? A heart that can easily learn to forget, since the feelings that were once stapled inside such warmth, it can simply be erased. It goes away. Sometimes, it just couldn’t stay. Just like-“…Ryo-chan…” the person named Chinen Yuri called out the name of his one and only love with a voice somewhat quivering and a bit hesitant.
Though, Yuri expected this, because just like always-since, the two of them met. Everything changed. Everything hurt and everything didn’t feel right. Not at all-not anymore, because the Ryosuke now. He didn’t feel like he is his-not anymore. “…Ryosuke? Uhmm…” Yuri tried to suppress the tears, because for the nth time that month-his lover, his Ryo-chan. He, even if unconsciously, had grown cold to him-distant. The older boy, he somewhat seemed to have forgotten the feelings-forgotten his little one. But since Chinen doesn’t care of the pain and doesn’t mind the angst it brings to his poor heart. Especially the unconscious neglected feelings. He just relieved himself with a fake comfort, an imaginary affection that isn’t there and that doesn’t really exist. Well, not anymore. But even so, he’ll be blind. He’ll humor himself again so that he can simply erase the feeling of abandonment and the pain he is feeling inside.
Until he can…hopefully…he wishes.
He must.
“…Ryosuke, is something the matter? Are you feeling alright?” The little one hugged his beloved from behind, and just inhaled the older one’s scent that is uniquely his Ryosuke’s. And that intimate action from the little angel, that somehow brought the one named Yamada Ryosuke back into the land of heartaches and reality. In the land where his Chinen Yuri is dying from everything he’s been doing-from the lies he’s been building both inside and out. “…I’m sorry Yuri. What were you saying? I was preoccupied.” And those slightly big hands brushed the uncertainty away with a smile and kiss on the forehead. Even though he knew, deep inside, that the little one knew that that is an excuse. But, just like always the younger shrugged it off and just hugged the older one tighter. I love you.
“Ii yo, wakatteru yo…wakatteru…so please, don’t let me go.” Yuri wanted to say aloud, but since he really can’t be selfish and let his Ryosuke feel the pressure of the fact that he knows about them. He’ll just ride along and pretend, even if it takes them forever to realize, even if it takes them forever to just hurt and kill him over and over again.
He’ll just…
He’ll just live fully into the world of pain, just as long as his Ryosuke-his Ryo-chan won’t ever let their love go… let him go. Just won’t ever let him go, “…Nee, Ryo-chan…let’s go meet up with everyone today~” and he planned all this out. He just wants to see with his own two eyes everything. The little one just wants to really know why he was replaced. Why he was suddenly thrown away. More importantly, he wants to know, desperately wants to know what that person has that he couldn’t give…that he can’t be. “…Please? I invited Yuttie and Keito along~” And those were Yuri’s magic words, because the moment Ryosuke heard that name being mentioned, his eyes sparkled like that of the stars.
Those once dull, brown eyes, suddenly glimmered with happiness-why? Is it because he’ll be there? Is it because they’ll see each other and he’ll be able to see his frame… his face that he obsesses… that he loves… that he replaced over-“…sure, that’ll be nice.” heart shatters more, when Yuri heard such enthusiastic reply. However, in trade of living in a lie, the little one will do things that slice, that hurt and that weep. He’ll do things for the sake of his heart and his own self that craves for the long lost love that he lost once upon a time-a long, long time ago. ”…okay, yey~ I’ll prepare myself. You too, okay?” He left a peck on those loved lips, before he turned around, skipped and cover up the loneliness with that fake smile that he tugs a top his lips, yet again.
Well, only until Ryosuke was out of his sight, because the moment he felt that there is no more Yamada Ryosuke, watching his frame and boring with his eyes questions and uncertainty. Finally, that’s the only time he can be safe and just let all his defenses crumble down as he slides down the wall and just let the tears fall and go.
Fall and go, like the sky as it cries the rain. “You’re not happy with me anymore, aren’t you?” Yuri sobbed hard, not caring if Ryosuke would hear it at all-not anymore. “…you’ve traded me for someone better.” He hurt, yet all that Yuri could do is cry, cry and cry, since that’s the only thing he can ever do. That’s the only way he can release the pain, because whatever happens, even if he cries forever a river. He’ll never-never, ever give up on fighting for his Ryosuke and the love he lost. That’s a promise. After all, that’s the promise he made to himself before and up until now. The promise that he’ll never let go, just because of the reason that he is only a person who loves and cares for nobody but himself.
“…I wish that I could no longer smile, because I just don’t want to hurt anymore.”
…
Click…
…
Still and Waiting…
…like a captured moment inside a beautiful picture
Now, the two of them are just idly waiting with hands interlaced and body close together, circulating warmth. And that is such a beautiful sight. However, through the naked eyes, how much they look happy, content and a perfect match. The two of them are greatly falling apart. The two of them are broken beyond repair. Shattered glasses-“…Yuri,” and that baritone voice of Yamada Ryosuke, it echoed inside Yuri’s head, soothed his soul and gently eased the little one’s broken heart. Since that voice, it sounded so ethereal, so calm and filled with warmth and love to the little one’s ears, especially the way his name rolled around such loved lips.
However, the owner of the name, he couldn’t find the voice to respond, because surely if he did. He’ll only let out a choked back sob and the repressed tears he’s been hiding inside. Which, in all due respect, he didn’t want his beloved one to see. Not an ounce, not an inch, especially of his dying tears. That’s why as an act of response to the sweet call. Yuri, he just tightened his grip and moved closer to his Ryosuke’s warm embrace, cuddling close and never wanting to let go. Because all of these things, he needs to cherish. Since he doesn’t know when it all will be taken away from him and just leave him with nothing more but plain dust.
“…Cold?” The older one mused, before he encapsulated that small frame into his warm embrace. “…don’t worry, they’ll be here soon,” a kiss on the forehead. “…I love you.”
Such a liar…
Yamada Ryosuke is such a liar, but Chinen Yuri loves him so. That’s why, it doesn’t matter.
Let’s hope so.
While still waiting, the two remained in a blissful silence. The two have been an hour early, that’s why they have quite a lot of time to spare and to spend with each other. Although, why were they early? It’s just because the little one persisted that they shouldn’t be late. As well as, it’s like him to be this punctual. He never did like making people wait, even if it’s him, the person who caused everything to stumble and to break-him, who ruined everything. Him, he calls his closest. Him, he calls his dearest and most precious best friend. After all, he has manners, and his parents taught him well. That’s the reason why, even if it’s someone he despise, he’ll always be polite. He’ll always be good. He promised.
Tick Tock… Tick Tock… Tick…
And the time, it continues on to tick. Yet, the silence between them is a blessing in disguise. It’s welcomed. Welcomed, not until… he came along and ruined the moment of bliss for the little one. “…Ryo, Chii…” Ryo…since when did he call him that? Yuri asked himself, while a triggering pain activated in his heart. Because the moment that voice echoed through the area, did the older one suddenly push the little one’s small frame away, like he was disgusted and like he wasn’t proud anymore. Proud that he is Chinen Yuri’s one and only. Not proud, just not proud anymore. And with that thought in mind, the feeling of dejection coursed through Yuri’s veins. However, he shrugged it all off with a beautiful smile. A beautiful smile that if you’ll closely look at, you’ll see how fake it is inside.
But it doesn’t matter, it never does. Not to Yuri anyways, always not to Yuri. It physically never does.
Shrugging the feeling, the little one just continued on to smile and wave at Yuto, who in return waved back at him and smiled, like the sweet and gentle person that he is. That Yuri can’t seem to imagine that will ever take what’s his. But people are deceiving, some are even two-faced. Yet, what caught the little one off guard was the way his lover smiled at him-at Yuto. It was disgustingly beautiful he wants to vomit. Although, never mind-he chose not to insert anymore meaning. Never mind-he just want this to all end. Never mind, because he just wants everything to take its role at the right time and at the right place. Not even bothering anymore if he loses or wins in the end.
“…by the way Yuttie, where are the others?” Chinen suddenly asked and that broke the silent communication between the two. Gotcha-the little one cheered into his head, before he smiled like the angel he is as he listens to what Yuto has to say.
And he knows, he dead on knows from the start that his actions, all of it. It all were deceiving and despicable, but if he wants to know answers. He must do these kind of things, how much unwilling he is to even do it. “…Ah, yeah, about the others,” Yuto started. “…They can’t accompany us today. Well, Keito said he’ll follow if ever he finishes early with his shift at his part time job.”
“…I see.” Yuri hummed before a small smile wrapped itself on his lips. “So…let’s go?” The little one chimed giddily as he wrapped his small arms around his lover’s arm, trying to make an emphasis and showing Yuto that Ryosuke is his and not anyone else’s.
However, what Yuri didn’t expect was Ryosuke’s sudden resistance to his touch. Hands slowly pulling away from his touch, which is unnoticeable but still, it’s there. Yuri knows, because his older lover never does that-ever. Not even before, not even when they fight. Yamada Ryosuke has never, ever-even once, had pulled away from him like that. Just not like that-arms trying to move away, desperately trying to pull apart, as if he's disgusted-no longer proud. No longer happy, when before-before Yuto came along, Ryosuke would…he would hold him close, pull him into warmth and make him feel love. So, why now? Why shrug him off like that now? After all, Yamada Ryosuke had never shrugged Chinen’s Yuri’s touch like that, never before-just now.
Crack-and Yuri’s heart breaks more. But, he didn’t show it. He just smiled and pretended that nothing happened and everything is alright, even if deep down he knows that he is falling apart and is crumbling into dust.
Though, ignorance... It is a state of bliss, right?
Not.
…
Click…
…
After that scene, the little one has been reluctant to touch his older lover again. He felt dejected after all. So he simply just sulked as he kept his slow pace back, while the two chatted happily about new born puppies and whatsoever that he cannot reprimand. So feeling quite amiss and out of place, the little one just decided to reside himself inside his thoughts for a while, drinking in facts and hints and observing every little thing and every little action that makes everything fall heavily into the current state where they are now-torn and unfixable.
Although as the little one's thoughts drifted on, he didn't notice the coming danger awaiting him. So before he knew it-bam, and little Yuri, while deep in his thoughts, accidentally tripped on a rock and bruised his knees-hard. However, it didn't matter to Yuri, it never did because his Ryosuke is always there to help him stand and to make all the pain go away. Though seconds passed by, then minutes came along, but nothing came, even though he is badly expecting two strong arms to comfort him and coax him that everything will be all right, and that everything will feel better because he'll kiss all the pain away.
But nothing...why?
And when he looked up, he didn't expect what he saw. Little Yuri didn’t expect his lover to be happily chatting still and playfully laughing and joking around with Yuto.
Not even...not even...
"I...Ryo..." But came no more sound as he muffled it all off with his hands as he allowed yet again the tears to fall down. Before he shuffled on his feet to follow the two, and as he did. He did what he must and pretended to be okay as he desperately chased away the tears and begged the tears to stop, even though deep down his heart aches and his knees hurt badly than it should have. Because as he ran and chase after his lover, who seem to have forgotten about him, he didn’t notice that shards of his broken heart are falling in and crumbling into ash.
…
Click…
…
"...Yuri..." Ryosuke called out, when Yuto suddenly excused himself for a phone call. But when he heard no response, he suddenly panicked and turned around. Though when he did, he felt his heart ache a thousand of times, because his little love-"...Yuri-wha-?" He barely finished his words as he palmed his little lover's puffy cheeks and began to unconsciously trace away the tears lingering on those long, black lashes covering such pretty, luminous eyes.
"I tripped," Yuri smiled as he nuzzled against his Ryosuke's warmth. "But, I learned how to stand up on my own. So, it doesn't matter... Ryo-chan doesn't have to-" and Ryosuke's hands suddenly wrapped themselves around his Yuri's trembling frame, before he whispered a guilt-laden "I'm sorry," as he laid lots of kisses on the now crying face. "I'm sorry, baby. I deeply am, Yuri. I'm sorry. I got side-tracked..." And there he goes again with his silly excuses and his pent up lies.
Liar…
Though Yuri, even if he knows that all of those words are lies and a deep shit of an excuse, he still allowed it all to comfort him because it's his Ryosuke after all-the one he badly and deeply loves.
…
Click…
…
When Yuto came back after his phone call, he saw Ryosuke carrying Yuri on to his back and cooing ever so sweetly and lovingly the younger male, who seemed to have just finished crying. And the two really looked good together-perfectly fit for each other. Yet, he couldn't help the pang of jealousy coursing through his veins, even though he knows badly how all of this is wrong and unjust. Still, what can he ever do? After all, he is human. He just loves.
"Yo guys, I'm back. What happened?"
Crack-and he knows. Yuto knows that his voice broke the overflowing love that there was. He shattered the moment. He had broken the happiness. Yet, he couldn't find the heart to feel guilty about it, especially when he saw Yamada Ryosuke's eyes-his best friend's lover and his lover as well, look at him with longing in his eyes.
"Well Yuto, Yuri...he-"
And Yamada was suddenly left hanging when Chinen suddenly intervened at his words. "I was stupid, Yuto-kun." The little one smiled. "...I didn't look where I was going because I got distracted when I saw a child throwing his old toy and replacing it with a new one." He reasoned as he stared at the taller male, who's now avoiding his gaze. "I guess, I am just too observant today," Yuri beamed sheepishly, while Ryosuke's muscles tensed. "So, I'm sorry about that. I guess. I just felt pity for the old toy. Because so it seems, it just wasn't good enough for the child at all anymore."
And was that metaphor? But both Yamada and Yuto stilled at the reason as reality slowly starts to dawn and collide. Everything falls into its right time. While Chinen, he slowly learns pieces of what he lacks that made his Ryo-chan love him not.
"...you can put me down now, Ryo-chan. I don't want to be a burden anymore.” A humorless joke that made the atmosphere they were in more guilt-exposed. “Let's go~" Yuri broke the tension as he playfully called out, before turning his back and walking on ahead.
Although the difference now than earlier is that, he didn't clung or even took hold of his older lover's hand. He just continued on his way, wherever it is they were supposed to go. Because, right now... all he wants to do is to go home and crawl into the covers. Because, right now...he knows and understands a few of what it is he lacked that his Ryosuke needs and Yuto could give. And those few are-freedom, understanding and most importantly selfless love.
...
Click
...
To be continued
Author’s Note: This is actually just a long one-shot. But livejournal won’t allow me to post all of it, so I’ll be teasing everyone by stripping into three parts. I’ll post the next one on Sunday next week again, or if I’ll feel up to it. I might post it earlier. Tomorrow *hint* *hint* No worries. I promise that I won’t leave anyone hanging with this. The story is actually finished. :) Since, it's a long one-shot and not a chaptered one. Though, by the way, a little trivia about the story: I’ve made the story into little pieces, like snapshots while taking a picture. It’s like flashes of details in one laid out photo album. So, I hope it won’t confuse anyone. Enjoy, and please do tell me if it is somewhat past-paced. Thank you and Comments are really appreciated and very much loved.