I have failed, and would continue to fail if I tried, to fit into that kind of masculinity.
Maybe you've addressed this elsewhere - apologies for not looking thoroughly - but do you have ideas about why you did not develop that kind of masculinity, or at least the ability to convincingly perform it? For my part, I had no family members or family friends who could model such behavior for me. (I'm rather glad of that because I like who I am, though I suppose it's possible I'd like who I was in different circumstances too.) I don't know if it's the absence of masculine role models, something inherent in my psyche, or both/neither/other.
In and amongst other topics, I've written a bit about it, but the short version is either I have an innate set of personality characteristics that make the masculine stuff a really poor fit for me *OR* some individual circumstances around 1st through 3rd grade resulted in atypical choices and decisions and attitudes on my part, reactions to the usual pressures to act like a boy etc, and they had a profound "butterfly effect" on who I became. (And on the "normal" mainstream boys too, for that matter -- that such things shape us all and that I'm one of the relative few who had an atypical reaction to those pressures). Or a combo of those two things, some nature and some nurture / socialization.
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Maybe you've addressed this elsewhere - apologies for not looking thoroughly - but do you have ideas about why you did not develop that kind of masculinity, or at least the ability to convincingly perform it? For my part, I had no family members or family friends who could model such behavior for me. (I'm rather glad of that because I like who I am, though I suppose it's possible I'd like who I was in different circumstances too.) I don't know if it's the absence of masculine role models, something inherent in my psyche, or both/neither/other.
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