Fic: Mountain Exploration for Beginners
Mountain Exploration for Beginners
by throwdini
Pairing: Troy/Abed
Rating: G
Summary: Troy and Abed get stuck in a cave overnight.
Abed sat on the ground, his back propped up against the cold stone of the wall. He wondered if all waterproof clothes were this clammy and uncomfortable or if that was just a perk of hiring protective gear from Greendale.
With hindsight, he thought, maybe there was something to be said for sticking with the group. It had been a hiking/biological-data-gathering/qualifying-the-lab-for-some-obscure-brand-of-funding field trip. There was no legitimate reason to split off and explore caves. But, sometime around midday, Troy had pulled him aside and said, man, you have got to see this awesome cave I found. And that was that. Two hours later, they’d finally gotten bored of planning their hypothetical supervillain lair and emerged, blinking, into the sunlight. At which point they had noticed that there was no sign of the group anymore.
Another two hours later, even the sunlight was making itself scarce. Troy had dumped his waterproof jacket - which had somehow gotten even more soaked and mud-caked than Abed's had over the course of the trek - in a corner. He was standing in the mouth of the cave in his undershirt with one arm extended over his head, aiming his cell phone at the sky.
“It's getting late,” Abed called out. “Maybe it's time we considered the possibility that nobody's going to rescue us.”
For a moment it looked like Troy was going to ignore Abed. Troy did that sometimes. But instead, he made a frustrated noise and turned to squint into the cave.
“If I could get a signal we'd be rescued like that,” Troy said, making a last-ditch effort to attract the attention of whatever satellite his phone provider operated from. “I've got like a million numbers in here.” He looked at the phone in his hand, double-checking the continuing absence of any sort of signal, before heading back into the cave.
It didn't matter, Abed reassured himself. Even if Troy could get a signal, he was unlikely to have the number for Mountain Rescue in his phone. It was probably all just girls Troy had met at parties. And maybe a few guys who were into interpretive dance. The thought was less reassuring than Abed had hoped it would be.
Troy peered into the cave, using the backlight on his cell phone as the world's saddest flashlight. The wallpaper on Troy’s phone was the Bat-Signal. It had briefly been a photo of Abed in his Batman costume, but Troy had changed it when Britta made a fuss over how cute it was.
“It’s late. We should think about food,” Abed said, more for the sake of having something to say than out of actual hunger.
“Well, I already ate the last power bar,” Troy said. “So I guess we're down to rocks. Or maybe there are some bugs under one of the rocks.”
“If I had a phaser, I could fire it at one of the rocks and it would heat up like in that episode of Star Trek.” Abed said.
Troy didn’t say anything, which wasn’t like Troy. Abed made a mental note to show Troy more Star Trek when they were back at Greendale.
“You're getting cranky because your blood sugar level's dropping.” Abed observed. “You should really eat something.”
Troy was silhouetted by the dimming light coming from the mouth of the cave behind him, but Abed thought it was probably safe to assume that his eyebrows had shot up. “I'm getting cranky because-” he started, before flinging his arms in the air. “You know what? Never mind.”
Troy stood for a few seconds, apparently lost for words. Eventually he said, “you can probably take off that helmet. It's not like we're doing any more rock climbing today.”
Abed shrugged, pulling off the bright yellow helmet he was wearing and putting it in his lap as Troy moved closer, slumping to sit on the cold rock floor beside him. “It's a pity they didn't give us the cool ones with the flashlights,” Troy said, picking up the helmet and turning it in his hands.
“To be fair to them, this isn't on the itinerary. It’s hiking-slash-data-gathering-slash-paying-for-new-Bunsen-burners. There was nothing in the plan about this,” Abed said, gesturing vaguely at the cave.
“They’re still cheap bastards,” Troy said.
“Which is why the Bunsen burners aren’t going to be replaced until Greendale qualifies for this funding,” Abed agreed. “Or until they cause another gas leak. Whichever comes first.”
Troy grunted and nodded, which Abed took as a cue to stop talking for a while.
It was getting darker. And rescue seemed more and more unlikely.
The sad thing was that Abed’s cell phone would probably have been more useful to them. He didn’t have the number for Mountain Rescue either, but his phone was pretty high-tech and he’d downloaded a mountain survival e-book in preparation for the field trip. Call it a hunch.
Unfortunately, he’d also downloaded The Expendables. He’d watched it with Troy on the coach trip up, and that had pretty much eaten all of his phone’s battery life. Afterwards, Troy had said the phone had probably committed suicide because The Expendables was such a disappointing movie. But that hadn’t stopped him clutching at Abed’s arm during a particularly dramatic (albeit narratively predictable) moment. Abed hadn’t told Troy about the mountain rescue e-book. It didn’t seem like it would be helpful to bring it up now.
Abed was never good at keeping quiet for long.
“It’s a good job we can’t see each other,” he said. “Because eventually we’ll get hungry enough that, if I could see you, I’d imagine you were a giant doughnut and try to eat you.”
“Oh my god!” Troy said. “It’s only been-” he pressed a button and his phone lit up. In the backlight stung Abed’s eyes and he squinted, reminding himself of how Troy’s face looked.
Troy was checking the time on his phone. “Okay,” he said. “It’s only been, like, four hours. That is nothing. If you try and eat me that will officially make you a gigantic wuss. And Troy Barnes doesn’t hang out with gigantic wusses.”
There was silence.
Troy sounded insistent. “So don’t eat me. Okay?”
Abed considered this.
“What if I just licked you?”
The backlight shut off and the cave seemed darker than ever.
“Maybe,” Troy said. “But you gotta ask me first.”
It was dark again so Abed couldn’t see his expression. “Okay,” he said, because it seemed like the safest thing to say. “Cool.”
It was night. There was no getting around it. It was night and there was nothing edible in the cave and it was getting cold enough that Troy had almost considered putting his wet waterproofs back on. Abed had stopped him at the last minute - partly because wet clothes wouldn’t help warm Troy up, partly because Troy was leaning against his shoulder and if Troy got up to put his wet clothes on then he’d have to move away. And then when he came back he’d be all muddy.
“Well yeah,” Troy had said. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m freezing my butt off.”
“You want to wear my jacket?” Abed asked. “It’d be like you were my high school sweetheart in the 1950s.”
Troy considered this. “Okay,” he said. “But just because it’s really cold up in here.”
Abed unzipped his jacket. He was only wearing a thin shirt under it, but Troy had spent hours without a jacket and fair was fair. “When we get out of here, we should find a diner and have burgers and milkshakes,” he said.
“Yeah, and ice cream sundaes,” Troy said dreamily as he pulled on Abed’s jacket. He was probably really hungry.
“And then we could go bowling,” Abed said. It was dark so he couldn’t really see Troy. And Troy wasn’t talking so it was easy to half-pretend that he wasn’t even there. “You’d have to drive, though, because my dad probably wouldn’t let me borrow his car. I’ll make us a rock ‘n’ roll mix tape.”
“You know Pierce has a whole bunch of chauffeurs and limos,” Troy said. “I could probably get him to lend us one.”
Limos were actually a bit more ‘prom night’ than ‘Friday night at the diner’ but Abed nodded anyway to be polite.
“Are we allowed to go to sleep?” Troy said. “Or is this like one of those things where if you go to sleep in a cave you get eaten by bears or freeze to death or something?”
Abed didn’t actually think he’d be able to sleep if he wanted to. He said, “it’s not like we’ve been attacked by any bears so far.”
Abed heard Troy’s head shift towards him. He turned to face Troy. In the darkness, he could only really make out the shape of Troy’s head. But he could feel Troy’s breath on his cheek. “So we’re gonna freeze to death?” Abed couldn’t tell if Troy sounded annoyed or scared.
“I didn’t say that.”
“But we might.”
“I don’t know,” Abed said. “I only got halfway through the chapter on hypothermia in my e-book.” He kept his voice matter-of-fact. “I do know that if you want to avoid freezing to death, we could huddle together for warmth. That was in the book.” It was in The Day After Tomorrow too, he didn’t add. And also Brokeback Mountain, which would actually have been a more appropriate reference. Because they were on a mountain.
Abed could feel Troy’s breath on his face, which meant that Troy could probably feel Abed’s breath on Troy’s. Which meant that Troy must know that Abed’s heartrate was pretty much going for the record. Troy’s voice had gotten very low. “I guess you’re cold without your jacket,” he said.
“I’ve been warmer,” Abed admitted.
“Worst case scenario,” Troy said, “is that we huddle together for warmth but we still freeze to death and tomorrow they find two dead bodies huddling together for warmth.” He paused. “Not that I’d give a shit what anybody thought,” he added.
“Me neither,” Abed said automatically.
“And the best case scenario is we don’t die,” Troy said. “Which is more likely to happen if we huddle.” Apparently he’d convinced himself because he threw an arm over Abed’s shoulder. He was tense for a few minutes and then laughed. Abed smiled, which wasn’t useful because Troy couldn’t see him smiling, so Abed leaned into the huddle.
Troy’s arm relaxed around his shoulders, the way it sometimes did around three in the morning after a movie marathon. Except they never had to have the preliminary discussion at three in the morning, because when you’re sleep-deprived and you’ve been up all night making sarcastic comments while monsters kill each other, these things matter less. Abed wished they had a bowl of popcorn or that his phone was working so they could watch The Expendables again. Things were always easier when there was something playing in the background.
“Troy,” Abed said.
“Yeah?”
“If I freeze to death, I want you to eat my corpse.”
“If you freeze to death then shouldn’t I be more worried about the cold than about starving?”
Abed thought for a minute. “You’re right,” he said. “If I die, you should cut me open and sleep inside my corpse like Luke Skywalker.”
Troy laughed so hard that he briefly lost the battle against gravity and his face ended up right against Abed’s shoulder. If Troy had been a girl, Abed would have assumed it was deliberate. But Troy wasn’t a girl so instead Abed just tilted his head so that Troy would have room if he felt like kissing Abed’s neck.
"Do you think we'd survive the apocalypse?" Abed said into the darkness.
Troy laughed again, this time verging on the hysterical. "I'm not sure we're going to survive this field trip," he said.
“Obviously if the whole gang were with us then we’d be fine,” Abed said. “We’re a perfectly-formed unit. Everyone contributes something.” He thought for a moment, “we could probably jettison Pierce at a push. But it wouldn’t be good for morale.”
“How about just us two?” Troy sounded sleepy. His hand found Abed’s in the dark. “I know you’d miss Jeff and I’d miss Annie’s boobs, but we’d be okay. You could come up with brilliant plans to fight off the rival gangs. And then, once you’d come up with the plans, I could fight off the rival gangs. You could back me up with the fighting and I’d help with the planning. And we could wear shades all the time so people would know we were badass.”
There was no way Abed and Troy could survive the apocalypse together. Not without some serious deus ex machina and a good few plot holes. But Troy’s hand was warm and his face was very close to Abed’s. “I’d give us at least one season,” Abed said. “But we’d probably end up on the CW so they’d have to recast me as someone more TV-friendly.”
“I hate the CW,” Troy said into his shoulder.
“It hasn’t been the same since the rebrand,” Abed admitted. “SyFy might take us if we kept the budget low.” His arm was awkwardly wedged between his and Troy’s bodies, so he pulled it out and hugged Troy closer to him. “Maybe the shades could have special powers,” he said thoughtfully.
“In the apocalypse?” Troy said. “That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard. There aren’t any resources in the apocalypse, you have to get by on your wits. And your fists.”
“Maybe the government still has access to technology,” Abed said thoughtfully. “And maybe we ran into some government agents.”
“And then we beat the crap out of them and stole their glasses!” Troy sounded happy with that idea. “You’re a genius, Abed,” he said.
If Abed hadn’t been busy touching Troy, he would have waved a hand modestly. Instead, he just made a noncommittal noise.
“And I don’t care what the CW thinks,” Troy continued, squeezing Abed’s hand. “If those assholes don’t let you be on our apocalypse show, I swear to God I am walking right out. Because you are too hot enough to be on TV, man. Don’t let anyone tell you different.”
Abed tried to think of something to say.
“Ah. Not that I-” Troy said. “I mean, I know they aren’t real. And it’s not that I think you’re- you know...” he trailed off and cursed under his breath.
Abed flicked through a mental roster of characters. Troy wouldn’t go for Vampire Abed. He might go for Batman, but he might also think Abed was making fun of him. And Abed didn’t like the idea of Batman making out with Troy before he got to.
“You want to kiss me,” he said. Troy jerked upwards and made an undignified yelpy noise, but didn’t actually pull away. Abed continued, “we’re huddling for warmth in a cave, we’re close friends who spend every waking moment together, and you have a thing for butt stuff. But you’re also a high school football star who has occasional crises of masculinity.”
“Uh,” Troy said.
“It’s okay,” Abed said. “You don’t have to say anything. If you agree with me and this turns out to be some weird movie reference or a trick then that would be super-embarrassing for you. It isn’t, by the way.”
“Ah,” Troy said.
“Also you’re aware of the fact that I have trouble connecting with people on an emotional level and you think I might break your heart.”
“Ohhh,” Troy said. Then he did what sounded like a double-take. “Wait, just a second. If anyone’s a heartbreaker around here then it’s me.”
Abed decided to let that one go.
“So, uh,” said Troy.
“I know that was kind of uncomfortable,” Abed said. “I could try again as Don Draper if you want. I just figured I’d be okay to do it as myself because I’m the one you actually like.”
“Oh my god,” Troy said. He buried his face in Abed’s shoulder. “You are so weird, man. Don’t you ever get nervous?”
“I’m a little nervous now,” Abed said. “I’ve been talking about three times faster than usual, and I talk pretty fast in the first place. Also, I think this whole scenario’s sort of inappropriate, given the situation in Chile.”
“Would you just do it,” Troy said. Which was about as close to a specific request as Abed felt likely to get at this stage. He felt around for Troy’s head in the dark and angled his body around. It was less awkward than it should have been. Troy’s face tilted up towards his. Abed leaned in.
He stopped.
“I’m very slightly taller than you,” he said. “Do you think that will be a problem?”
Troy made a frustrated noise, grabbed Abed’s shoulders and lunged forwards. Which apparently answered that question. Troy actually kissed really well, Abed thought. Eventually they pulled back to breathe.
“Do you know how we’re gonna get home tomorrow?” Troy said.
Abed thought for a minute. “I’ve got a walkie-talkie in my backpack. I gave the other one to Jeff. We can use that.”
Troy stared at him. “You mean we could have just walkie-talkie’d Jeff this whole time?” He said. And then he said, “you gave your other walkie-talkie to Jeff?”
“Sorry,” Abed said. It wasn’t that this had all been part of a brilliant scheme to get Troy to kiss him. It was just that they were lost in a cave together and it had seemed a shame to waste it. “Sorry,” he said again.
“Yeah, you better be,” Troy grumbled.
“So you want to go to sleep?” Abed said. “Jeff’s probably in bed by now.”
“No, I want you to get him out here with his car and with some warm clothes! And then when we get home I want you to buy me, like, seven hot dogs. And some ice-cream.”
Abed nodded. “Okay,” he said. “While we’re waiting for Jeff to drive up here can we make out some more?”
“Yes we can,” Troy said.
“Cool,” Abed said.
by throwdini
Pairing: Troy/Abed
Rating: G
Summary: Troy and Abed get stuck in a cave overnight.
Abed sat on the ground, his back propped up against the cold stone of the wall. He wondered if all waterproof clothes were this clammy and uncomfortable or if that was just a perk of hiring protective gear from Greendale.
With hindsight, he thought, maybe there was something to be said for sticking with the group. It had been a hiking/biological-data-gathering/qualifying-the-lab-for-some-obscure-brand-of-funding field trip. There was no legitimate reason to split off and explore caves. But, sometime around midday, Troy had pulled him aside and said, man, you have got to see this awesome cave I found. And that was that. Two hours later, they’d finally gotten bored of planning their hypothetical supervillain lair and emerged, blinking, into the sunlight. At which point they had noticed that there was no sign of the group anymore.
Another two hours later, even the sunlight was making itself scarce. Troy had dumped his waterproof jacket - which had somehow gotten even more soaked and mud-caked than Abed's had over the course of the trek - in a corner. He was standing in the mouth of the cave in his undershirt with one arm extended over his head, aiming his cell phone at the sky.
“It's getting late,” Abed called out. “Maybe it's time we considered the possibility that nobody's going to rescue us.”
For a moment it looked like Troy was going to ignore Abed. Troy did that sometimes. But instead, he made a frustrated noise and turned to squint into the cave.
“If I could get a signal we'd be rescued like that,” Troy said, making a last-ditch effort to attract the attention of whatever satellite his phone provider operated from. “I've got like a million numbers in here.” He looked at the phone in his hand, double-checking the continuing absence of any sort of signal, before heading back into the cave.
It didn't matter, Abed reassured himself. Even if Troy could get a signal, he was unlikely to have the number for Mountain Rescue in his phone. It was probably all just girls Troy had met at parties. And maybe a few guys who were into interpretive dance. The thought was less reassuring than Abed had hoped it would be.
Troy peered into the cave, using the backlight on his cell phone as the world's saddest flashlight. The wallpaper on Troy’s phone was the Bat-Signal. It had briefly been a photo of Abed in his Batman costume, but Troy had changed it when Britta made a fuss over how cute it was.
“It’s late. We should think about food,” Abed said, more for the sake of having something to say than out of actual hunger.
“Well, I already ate the last power bar,” Troy said. “So I guess we're down to rocks. Or maybe there are some bugs under one of the rocks.”
“If I had a phaser, I could fire it at one of the rocks and it would heat up like in that episode of Star Trek.” Abed said.
Troy didn’t say anything, which wasn’t like Troy. Abed made a mental note to show Troy more Star Trek when they were back at Greendale.
“You're getting cranky because your blood sugar level's dropping.” Abed observed. “You should really eat something.”
Troy was silhouetted by the dimming light coming from the mouth of the cave behind him, but Abed thought it was probably safe to assume that his eyebrows had shot up. “I'm getting cranky because-” he started, before flinging his arms in the air. “You know what? Never mind.”
Troy stood for a few seconds, apparently lost for words. Eventually he said, “you can probably take off that helmet. It's not like we're doing any more rock climbing today.”
Abed shrugged, pulling off the bright yellow helmet he was wearing and putting it in his lap as Troy moved closer, slumping to sit on the cold rock floor beside him. “It's a pity they didn't give us the cool ones with the flashlights,” Troy said, picking up the helmet and turning it in his hands.
“To be fair to them, this isn't on the itinerary. It’s hiking-slash-data-gathering-slash-paying-for-new-Bunsen-burners. There was nothing in the plan about this,” Abed said, gesturing vaguely at the cave.
“They’re still cheap bastards,” Troy said.
“Which is why the Bunsen burners aren’t going to be replaced until Greendale qualifies for this funding,” Abed agreed. “Or until they cause another gas leak. Whichever comes first.”
Troy grunted and nodded, which Abed took as a cue to stop talking for a while.
It was getting darker. And rescue seemed more and more unlikely.
The sad thing was that Abed’s cell phone would probably have been more useful to them. He didn’t have the number for Mountain Rescue either, but his phone was pretty high-tech and he’d downloaded a mountain survival e-book in preparation for the field trip. Call it a hunch.
Unfortunately, he’d also downloaded The Expendables. He’d watched it with Troy on the coach trip up, and that had pretty much eaten all of his phone’s battery life. Afterwards, Troy had said the phone had probably committed suicide because The Expendables was such a disappointing movie. But that hadn’t stopped him clutching at Abed’s arm during a particularly dramatic (albeit narratively predictable) moment. Abed hadn’t told Troy about the mountain rescue e-book. It didn’t seem like it would be helpful to bring it up now.
Abed was never good at keeping quiet for long.
“It’s a good job we can’t see each other,” he said. “Because eventually we’ll get hungry enough that, if I could see you, I’d imagine you were a giant doughnut and try to eat you.”
“Oh my god!” Troy said. “It’s only been-” he pressed a button and his phone lit up. In the backlight stung Abed’s eyes and he squinted, reminding himself of how Troy’s face looked.
Troy was checking the time on his phone. “Okay,” he said. “It’s only been, like, four hours. That is nothing. If you try and eat me that will officially make you a gigantic wuss. And Troy Barnes doesn’t hang out with gigantic wusses.”
There was silence.
Troy sounded insistent. “So don’t eat me. Okay?”
Abed considered this.
“What if I just licked you?”
The backlight shut off and the cave seemed darker than ever.
“Maybe,” Troy said. “But you gotta ask me first.”
It was dark again so Abed couldn’t see his expression. “Okay,” he said, because it seemed like the safest thing to say. “Cool.”
It was night. There was no getting around it. It was night and there was nothing edible in the cave and it was getting cold enough that Troy had almost considered putting his wet waterproofs back on. Abed had stopped him at the last minute - partly because wet clothes wouldn’t help warm Troy up, partly because Troy was leaning against his shoulder and if Troy got up to put his wet clothes on then he’d have to move away. And then when he came back he’d be all muddy.
“Well yeah,” Troy had said. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m freezing my butt off.”
“You want to wear my jacket?” Abed asked. “It’d be like you were my high school sweetheart in the 1950s.”
Troy considered this. “Okay,” he said. “But just because it’s really cold up in here.”
Abed unzipped his jacket. He was only wearing a thin shirt under it, but Troy had spent hours without a jacket and fair was fair. “When we get out of here, we should find a diner and have burgers and milkshakes,” he said.
“Yeah, and ice cream sundaes,” Troy said dreamily as he pulled on Abed’s jacket. He was probably really hungry.
“And then we could go bowling,” Abed said. It was dark so he couldn’t really see Troy. And Troy wasn’t talking so it was easy to half-pretend that he wasn’t even there. “You’d have to drive, though, because my dad probably wouldn’t let me borrow his car. I’ll make us a rock ‘n’ roll mix tape.”
“You know Pierce has a whole bunch of chauffeurs and limos,” Troy said. “I could probably get him to lend us one.”
Limos were actually a bit more ‘prom night’ than ‘Friday night at the diner’ but Abed nodded anyway to be polite.
“Are we allowed to go to sleep?” Troy said. “Or is this like one of those things where if you go to sleep in a cave you get eaten by bears or freeze to death or something?”
Abed didn’t actually think he’d be able to sleep if he wanted to. He said, “it’s not like we’ve been attacked by any bears so far.”
Abed heard Troy’s head shift towards him. He turned to face Troy. In the darkness, he could only really make out the shape of Troy’s head. But he could feel Troy’s breath on his cheek. “So we’re gonna freeze to death?” Abed couldn’t tell if Troy sounded annoyed or scared.
“I didn’t say that.”
“But we might.”
“I don’t know,” Abed said. “I only got halfway through the chapter on hypothermia in my e-book.” He kept his voice matter-of-fact. “I do know that if you want to avoid freezing to death, we could huddle together for warmth. That was in the book.” It was in The Day After Tomorrow too, he didn’t add. And also Brokeback Mountain, which would actually have been a more appropriate reference. Because they were on a mountain.
Abed could feel Troy’s breath on his face, which meant that Troy could probably feel Abed’s breath on Troy’s. Which meant that Troy must know that Abed’s heartrate was pretty much going for the record. Troy’s voice had gotten very low. “I guess you’re cold without your jacket,” he said.
“I’ve been warmer,” Abed admitted.
“Worst case scenario,” Troy said, “is that we huddle together for warmth but we still freeze to death and tomorrow they find two dead bodies huddling together for warmth.” He paused. “Not that I’d give a shit what anybody thought,” he added.
“Me neither,” Abed said automatically.
“And the best case scenario is we don’t die,” Troy said. “Which is more likely to happen if we huddle.” Apparently he’d convinced himself because he threw an arm over Abed’s shoulder. He was tense for a few minutes and then laughed. Abed smiled, which wasn’t useful because Troy couldn’t see him smiling, so Abed leaned into the huddle.
Troy’s arm relaxed around his shoulders, the way it sometimes did around three in the morning after a movie marathon. Except they never had to have the preliminary discussion at three in the morning, because when you’re sleep-deprived and you’ve been up all night making sarcastic comments while monsters kill each other, these things matter less. Abed wished they had a bowl of popcorn or that his phone was working so they could watch The Expendables again. Things were always easier when there was something playing in the background.
“Troy,” Abed said.
“Yeah?”
“If I freeze to death, I want you to eat my corpse.”
“If you freeze to death then shouldn’t I be more worried about the cold than about starving?”
Abed thought for a minute. “You’re right,” he said. “If I die, you should cut me open and sleep inside my corpse like Luke Skywalker.”
Troy laughed so hard that he briefly lost the battle against gravity and his face ended up right against Abed’s shoulder. If Troy had been a girl, Abed would have assumed it was deliberate. But Troy wasn’t a girl so instead Abed just tilted his head so that Troy would have room if he felt like kissing Abed’s neck.
"Do you think we'd survive the apocalypse?" Abed said into the darkness.
Troy laughed again, this time verging on the hysterical. "I'm not sure we're going to survive this field trip," he said.
“Obviously if the whole gang were with us then we’d be fine,” Abed said. “We’re a perfectly-formed unit. Everyone contributes something.” He thought for a moment, “we could probably jettison Pierce at a push. But it wouldn’t be good for morale.”
“How about just us two?” Troy sounded sleepy. His hand found Abed’s in the dark. “I know you’d miss Jeff and I’d miss Annie’s boobs, but we’d be okay. You could come up with brilliant plans to fight off the rival gangs. And then, once you’d come up with the plans, I could fight off the rival gangs. You could back me up with the fighting and I’d help with the planning. And we could wear shades all the time so people would know we were badass.”
There was no way Abed and Troy could survive the apocalypse together. Not without some serious deus ex machina and a good few plot holes. But Troy’s hand was warm and his face was very close to Abed’s. “I’d give us at least one season,” Abed said. “But we’d probably end up on the CW so they’d have to recast me as someone more TV-friendly.”
“I hate the CW,” Troy said into his shoulder.
“It hasn’t been the same since the rebrand,” Abed admitted. “SyFy might take us if we kept the budget low.” His arm was awkwardly wedged between his and Troy’s bodies, so he pulled it out and hugged Troy closer to him. “Maybe the shades could have special powers,” he said thoughtfully.
“In the apocalypse?” Troy said. “That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard. There aren’t any resources in the apocalypse, you have to get by on your wits. And your fists.”
“Maybe the government still has access to technology,” Abed said thoughtfully. “And maybe we ran into some government agents.”
“And then we beat the crap out of them and stole their glasses!” Troy sounded happy with that idea. “You’re a genius, Abed,” he said.
If Abed hadn’t been busy touching Troy, he would have waved a hand modestly. Instead, he just made a noncommittal noise.
“And I don’t care what the CW thinks,” Troy continued, squeezing Abed’s hand. “If those assholes don’t let you be on our apocalypse show, I swear to God I am walking right out. Because you are too hot enough to be on TV, man. Don’t let anyone tell you different.”
Abed tried to think of something to say.
“Ah. Not that I-” Troy said. “I mean, I know they aren’t real. And it’s not that I think you’re- you know...” he trailed off and cursed under his breath.
Abed flicked through a mental roster of characters. Troy wouldn’t go for Vampire Abed. He might go for Batman, but he might also think Abed was making fun of him. And Abed didn’t like the idea of Batman making out with Troy before he got to.
“You want to kiss me,” he said. Troy jerked upwards and made an undignified yelpy noise, but didn’t actually pull away. Abed continued, “we’re huddling for warmth in a cave, we’re close friends who spend every waking moment together, and you have a thing for butt stuff. But you’re also a high school football star who has occasional crises of masculinity.”
“Uh,” Troy said.
“It’s okay,” Abed said. “You don’t have to say anything. If you agree with me and this turns out to be some weird movie reference or a trick then that would be super-embarrassing for you. It isn’t, by the way.”
“Ah,” Troy said.
“Also you’re aware of the fact that I have trouble connecting with people on an emotional level and you think I might break your heart.”
“Ohhh,” Troy said. Then he did what sounded like a double-take. “Wait, just a second. If anyone’s a heartbreaker around here then it’s me.”
Abed decided to let that one go.
“So, uh,” said Troy.
“I know that was kind of uncomfortable,” Abed said. “I could try again as Don Draper if you want. I just figured I’d be okay to do it as myself because I’m the one you actually like.”
“Oh my god,” Troy said. He buried his face in Abed’s shoulder. “You are so weird, man. Don’t you ever get nervous?”
“I’m a little nervous now,” Abed said. “I’ve been talking about three times faster than usual, and I talk pretty fast in the first place. Also, I think this whole scenario’s sort of inappropriate, given the situation in Chile.”
“Would you just do it,” Troy said. Which was about as close to a specific request as Abed felt likely to get at this stage. He felt around for Troy’s head in the dark and angled his body around. It was less awkward than it should have been. Troy’s face tilted up towards his. Abed leaned in.
He stopped.
“I’m very slightly taller than you,” he said. “Do you think that will be a problem?”
Troy made a frustrated noise, grabbed Abed’s shoulders and lunged forwards. Which apparently answered that question. Troy actually kissed really well, Abed thought. Eventually they pulled back to breathe.
“Do you know how we’re gonna get home tomorrow?” Troy said.
Abed thought for a minute. “I’ve got a walkie-talkie in my backpack. I gave the other one to Jeff. We can use that.”
Troy stared at him. “You mean we could have just walkie-talkie’d Jeff this whole time?” He said. And then he said, “you gave your other walkie-talkie to Jeff?”
“Sorry,” Abed said. It wasn’t that this had all been part of a brilliant scheme to get Troy to kiss him. It was just that they were lost in a cave together and it had seemed a shame to waste it. “Sorry,” he said again.
“Yeah, you better be,” Troy grumbled.
“So you want to go to sleep?” Abed said. “Jeff’s probably in bed by now.”
“No, I want you to get him out here with his car and with some warm clothes! And then when we get home I want you to buy me, like, seven hot dogs. And some ice-cream.”
Abed nodded. “Okay,” he said. “While we’re waiting for Jeff to drive up here can we make out some more?”
“Yes we can,” Troy said.
“Cool,” Abed said.