muses_w_remotes || 11.15. Smallville quote
11.15. "Clark has more issues than Rolling Stone."
| Smallville
Co-written with straight2point
[Follows THIS]
Ali heard the doorbell ring in the distance and she glanced at a sleeping Andrew beside her. She had taken to sticking to his side like glue. Truth was, she was more worried about him than her external facade was letting on. He'd taken quite a fall and she wanted him to wake up so she could talk to him. She had things she wanted to say. But since he was discharged from the ER, he had been too groggy and tired to carry on much of a conversation, but she still was sticking to him closely. Jamie was napping in her crib and not wailing, which was a plus in itself. Tab and Luke had agreed to stay for the night, much to Ali's relief, and they had just ducked out together to pick up some groceries because Ali's fridge was shamefully empty. A half a box of Oreos and one third of a tub of Ben & Jerry's Half-Baked wasn't going to see through three adults.
She carefully climbed off the bed, making sure she didn't jiggle the mattress too much and wake him up. She glanced at herself quickly in the full-length mirror. Not too bad. At least the track pants were designer and the 'I Heart My Paramedic' t-shirt was clean. Her hair wasn't too bad, either. She shouldn't scare whoever it was coming to sell her something. She rubbed at her eyes as she reached the door and pulled it open. Her eyebrows immediately shot up in surprise. "Harri... et?" she ended hastily, not sure if Harri preferred to be addressed by her full name by people she hardly knew.
Harri gave her a nervous smile, and held up two cups of take-away coffee. "Harri, please. I'm sorry, I didn't..." she trailed off and shifted her weight to the other foot. Stupid bloody hormones, and still recovering from the idea that she was pregnant had her out of sorts. She wanted to smack herself in the head. "I didn't know if you were back yet from the hospital, so I took a chance. I know how bad the coffee is there, so... I brought these along. Also a very lame attempt at an apology for last night."
Ali shook her head, stepping aside and waving Harri in if she wanted to come inside. "It's okay. We got him home late last night. He wasn't going to get any rest there. Bloody fucking hospitals. I hate the bastards," she cursed, shaking her head. Her eyes caught the coffee in Harri's hand in confusion. "An apology? Um... I think I'm missing something. Forgive me. I haven't gotten much sleep. The mother in me stayed up watching him from about two inches from his nose making sure he was still breathing. Forgot he was concussed and nearly ended up being vomited on, but hey, that's another thing I'm used to of late."
Harri cleared her throat and entered Ali's apartment, and set the coffee down on a little table so she didn't feel like an idiot holding them. Besides, they were piping hot. "I understand... he's you're partner, you're supposed to worry. I don't really know about the mother thing, but--" she shut her mouth before she was about to say, 'but I'm about to'. "The apology is for having the fight with Marc. I didn't mean for him to leave. I actually just wanted time to cool off. I'm not very--right now, I'm just not very patient. And I needed to talk to him, but then he was there with Jamie, and she was crying and we just couldn't stop it, and... I'm sorry."
Ali sat down slowly. "Take a seat," she told her and reached over for one of the coffees. She didn't want Harri to think she was snubbing the gesture. She was grateful, actually. It would give her a second wind to keep an eye on Andrew, especially if he woke up sick again. "I owe you an apology, really. I was just so desperate and probably selfish. I didn't want Sunshine to be sat around a crazy ER for hours on end. All I was told was that Andrew was hurt and unconscious and had been taken to hospital. I called James out of desperation, because really, I know him. I wouldn't have done it unless I was desperate. It hindsight it was probably a stupid move but I wasn't thinking rationally. I didn't know he was going to take her to your place. See, he's not as bad with kids as he makes out. I thought he was going to wing it and be okay. James has a way of winging everything and landing on his feet..." She trailed off, her eyes shifting to all the photos of their bunch from the old days lining her (which used to be James') mantel and walls. "Plus, I know she's draining when she's crying like that. I wish I could say I had a quick fix, but I don't. She has colic and when her little tummy is upset, there isn't a lot I can do but cuddle her."
Harri noticed the way Ali kept saying 'James', but Harri still didn't feel like she'd really earned the right to call him by his true name. He was Marc to her. "No, really... it's just I'd been trying to call him all day because I had to go to the hospital myself, and I guess I just lost it. I know his job's important and he's not always going to be able to contact me, but it was just making me more and more pissed off. I felt like it was something he should have been there for, so I'm the selfish one." Harri crossed her legs over, and cradled her coffee. "Besides, I know that when it comes down to it, you and Jamie should be his first non-work priority." She glanced over at Ali. "He said he never wants children. So maybe he's only good when they're not his."
Ali took a slow sip of her coffee before she answered, contemplating how she was going to broach Harri's comments. "He touched on some of this with me last night when he brought Jamie back to me. He must've gone straight from your place to the hospital, but he stayed with us and brought us home when Andrew was discharged." She wet her lips and nursed the coffee between her hands. "Okay, there's a small missing piece of the puzzle here when you're viewing the situation. James' job isn't a job, it's part of him. He gave up his life for it and it's become at one with him, not just something he does each day to pick up a pay check like a lot of the rest of us. There is no job versus personal life. James is his job, and believe me when I say that he has always been like this, even when he was in the FBI. I can tell you that he's already doubting the stability of your relationship because he thinks you don't get that what he does and what he is is just how things have to be. He disappeared without notice, and sure, that's irritating, but it's going to be a regular thing, Harri. Are you going to get pissed off at him everytime he has to do what he does? Because if you are, it's probably best for you both if you just walk away now. Also, building up mindsets in your head, like this is more important than that or he should put this person before that person, is just going to send you crazy. Not to mention it being a stupid statement. And I'm sorry, but listen to what you're saying. You're basically indicating he needs a rostering system for people he loves. It doesn't work like that. And one more thing, he does want kids. He's always wanted a family. It might not be a prominent thing right now, but he has always wanted it. He was going to help me raise Jamie before he got the call."
"I'm not talking about a bloody rostering system," Harri said with a sigh, trying to work out when she'd become so inadequate with words. "You're his family. I'm the woman he's trying to have a relationship with and now I'm--oh, fuck it. Look, I do understand that his work is a part of him. I even understand that he's going to disappear, but you know what? I'm allowed to freak the fuck out and get clingy when I find out I have a sodding rice grain inside me!" Harri pushed her fingers through her hair and uncrossed her legs as she bent forward, trying to breathe through a sudden wave of nausea. Oh shit, what had she just done?
Ali was anything but thick and she had to set her coffee down so she didn't drop it. She looked at Harri silently and then drew a breath to let out sharply. "You're pregnant," she noted. And then she closed her eyes, her forehead creasing a little. "No, you're not just pregnant. You're pregnant and James doesn't know."
"I was going to tell him," Harri said quietly. She didn't even argue with Ali's statement. "Then he showed up with Jamie, and it just all went wrong."
"You're going to have to talk to him, and tell him, as soon as you can. Don't make the same mistake I did. No matter what you think you're going to do, you have to tell him. I..." Ali stopped, shaking her head. "I nearly had a termination. It was going to be my second. I had one when I was younger. I couldn't go through with it the second time around because... well, I don't know why. I couldn't even explain it if I tried. If you love him, you need to tell him, because he thinks that one, you have no interest in helping him with his niece when he does want to be part of her life, and two, he thinks you don't understand his position with the Service. I wish I could tell you how he is going to react but I don't know. History tells me he'll probably run away to process it, then come back. But I don't know him as well these days as I used to. A whole different set of factors fuels his decisions. He's... hardened."
Harri groaned and almost had her head between her knees. "I know I have to tell him. It's just kind of fucking hard when he storms out after a fight. I don't even know if he's going to talk to me. I can't leave it in a voice mail message... can I?" She lifted her head to peek at Ali, her blonde hair hanging in her face. "I don't know what I'm going to do. It was a decision I wasn't going to make without him, but maybe I've already lost him. And I do... I do love him. I didn't think it was possible, but I do. And I didn't want to be fucking pregnant, but I am."
Ali pressed her lips together and brushed her fingers through her hair. "I wasn't lying that day when I said I used to be like you. Scarily so." She held up a hand and stood up to collect one of the photos of the bunch. She was there in all her Gucci, Jimmy Choo, manicured, slim, sexy and gorgeous glory. She handed the photo to Harri with a snort. "It feels like a lifetime ago. Gone in favour of track pants covered in baby powder and oversized t-shirts covered in baby puke because my tits hurt too much to wear anything too tight most days. They've taken an interesting plunge south with gravity, too. I'm not trying to scare you, I just don't want to piss in your pocket and tell you it's raining. I didn't want to be pregnant. But I was. And now I'm a mother, and you know what? I wouldn't trade Sunshine for the world. And I think you'll find he didn't storm out... he just ran, to me, because I knew what to do with the baby. At least, he thinks I know. I really have only faked my way through the whole thing since she was born. He told me he only came to you because he needed help and thought between the two of you you could pull it off."
"We could have, but I was being a fucking bitch. I tried, I really did. I wanted to help him, and just try and see if I could do it. Then she just wouldn't stop screaming, and Marc didn't understand why I wasn't being fucking polite after being told I have this gestational sac of genes, or some crap inside me that means a baby." Harri looked at the photo and echoed Ali's snort. "I can't pretend to know what James will think, or say, because I only know Marc. Last night was the first time I saw him with his true blond hair, and it was... I wanted to cry, and I don't know how much of that was just hormones. Getting pregnant wasn't part of our deal." She wet her lips and sat back as the nausea eased. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or how I'm supposed to tell him."
Ali nodded. "You had the benefit of knowing, though. He didn't. Imagine how weird you probably seemed to be acting through his eyes. Trust me, because I used to act just like you and I hid the pregnancy for a long time. I'm talking going to work in coats in summer. I figured if I didn't think about it, it would go away. It never went away. It just kept getting bigger and more uncomfortable and I kept puking my guts up like there was no tomorrow. All over James, at one point, now that I think of it. I told him I had food poisoning. Don't be a tosser like I was. I regret every move I made in my early pregnancy. I was totally fucked in the head and the hormones... well, they make you a crazy person." She took the photo back to the mantel and held up another framed photo. It was her first ultrasound photo. "You mean, like this? A dot on a screen? This got Sunshine nicknamed Kermit for the duration of my pregnancy. She was Kermit or Sprog or It right up until I gave birth. I regret that too."
She paused again for a moment. "How did you feel seeing him as James?" she asked quietly. "And you know, there isn't really much of a line between him and his new persona. To look at him, sure. Disturbed the shit out of me when I first saw him with brown eyes. But this Marc you talk about, Harri... he's very similar to what he was back then. James, the funny, caring, promiscuous, loving guy who would rip his heart out for anyone he loved. He just didn't always know the ins and outs of how to pull off a relationship. He gets very scared of losing anyone he gets close to since he lost David."
"He told me that I get the real him, but I've still never called him James. I feel strange about it, but the truth is I like that he can relax around me, and that he feels safe to. I don't want him to think--I can handle all this. It's just when you find out you have a baby growing inside you, rational thought kind of flies out the fucking window. I've never been such a bitch with him, I'm surprised he didn't understand that I was reacting to something. Then again, maybe he just doesn't know me as well as I'd like. I don't know... I just want this fixed. I want him back..." Harri rest her hand against her stomach, a small acknowledgement of the budding life inside her. "I can actually understand that, even if it doesn't seem like I can. I don't actually want to hurt him, but we always seem to fall off the same page."
"You can't assume he can read your mind, Harri. A lot of the time you might think he can the way he looks at you with those eyes and says things stemming from that fucking infuriatingly analytical mind, but he can't know something is wrong unless you tell him. He doesn't know you well enough to know things like that yet. I don't even know with Andrew a lot of the time and we practically live together and see each other most days. The father of my kid was married to a slut with balloons for tits. He married her when I turned down his marriage proposal. I didn't want him to have anything to do with the baby. Plus, James did think you were reacting to something. To him being away for his job and not wanting my daughter around. He might be a clever cookie, but he's never going to be smart enough to jump to the conclusion you're pregnant unless it's a planned tactical move and he expects it. You just need to talk to him and bear in mind that this is going to be fucking hard on both of you so don't go in hoping he will react a certain way. It will just piss you off when he doesn't. He was going home for some sleep. When you got him yesterday, he was running on less than two hours rest. He's not an arsehole. I promise. He just knows how to pretend to be one really well."
Harri shifted on the sofa and stood suddenly. "I need to go see him... If I leave this I'm just going to go out of my fucking mind. Which is saying something, since I already feel like I've gone out of my mind. I really am sorry, Ali. I never meant to lay any of this on you, and I do actually like your daughter. I would never want to stop him from seeing his niece. I'm the one that convinced him to talk to you. Both of you." She rubbed her hand against her face, and gave Ali a small wave. "You should go back to your partner, and your daughter. I just wanted to drop the coffee off."
"Harri," Ali murmured, standing after her. "If he's resting, just... let him catch up on his sleep a little before you throw this at him. Stress can make him really sick. I'm not telling you not to tell him ASAP or suggesting if you do, he'll get sick. He won't. But if he's already tired and shit..." She bit her lip. "He's been in a similar situation to this before. Thought he was going to... yeah... you don't need me to tell you how to suck eggs. He's just not always as tough as he tries to make out he is. He's a big softie inside, really, and gets scared easily. If you've got his heart then... then that's huge, like you wouldn't believe."
"And if I don't?" Harri asked, looking at Ali. She tucked her long blonde hair behind her ears and let out another restless huff of air. "I'll wait. Maybe call him tomorrow. And if he doesn't get back to me, then I swear I won't be a bitch. Thanks again for... listening. I should really go now." Harri held her hand out to Ali. "I hope your paramedic feels better."
That snippy question did make Ali briefly wonder a few things but she just cleared her throat. "Don't be surprised to find yourself sitting at his bedside for weeks on end while he battles a diabetic coma," she said simply. She shook her hand politely. "Thank you. And yeah, if you need anything, you know where I am."
Harri gave a nod, and took her hand back. Her bottom lip trembled and she looked at Ali again, taking a breath like she wanted to say more. Instead she just turned to let herself out, worried that if she did open her mouth again she'd cry, and as much as she liked Ali, she didn't want to break down in front of the the woman. She had enough on her plate. Harri was just going to go back to her apartment and hang onto her knowledge of the rice grain that little bit longer, waiting for a moment when she'd be able to tell Marc. And if she did have to sit at his bedside for weeks on end while he battled a diabetic coma because she'd been a bitch, well, she would.
All muses referenced with permission
Word Count | 3,478
| Smallville
Co-written with straight2point
[Follows THIS]
Ali heard the doorbell ring in the distance and she glanced at a sleeping Andrew beside her. She had taken to sticking to his side like glue. Truth was, she was more worried about him than her external facade was letting on. He'd taken quite a fall and she wanted him to wake up so she could talk to him. She had things she wanted to say. But since he was discharged from the ER, he had been too groggy and tired to carry on much of a conversation, but she still was sticking to him closely. Jamie was napping in her crib and not wailing, which was a plus in itself. Tab and Luke had agreed to stay for the night, much to Ali's relief, and they had just ducked out together to pick up some groceries because Ali's fridge was shamefully empty. A half a box of Oreos and one third of a tub of Ben & Jerry's Half-Baked wasn't going to see through three adults.
She carefully climbed off the bed, making sure she didn't jiggle the mattress too much and wake him up. She glanced at herself quickly in the full-length mirror. Not too bad. At least the track pants were designer and the 'I Heart My Paramedic' t-shirt was clean. Her hair wasn't too bad, either. She shouldn't scare whoever it was coming to sell her something. She rubbed at her eyes as she reached the door and pulled it open. Her eyebrows immediately shot up in surprise. "Harri... et?" she ended hastily, not sure if Harri preferred to be addressed by her full name by people she hardly knew.
Harri gave her a nervous smile, and held up two cups of take-away coffee. "Harri, please. I'm sorry, I didn't..." she trailed off and shifted her weight to the other foot. Stupid bloody hormones, and still recovering from the idea that she was pregnant had her out of sorts. She wanted to smack herself in the head. "I didn't know if you were back yet from the hospital, so I took a chance. I know how bad the coffee is there, so... I brought these along. Also a very lame attempt at an apology for last night."
Ali shook her head, stepping aside and waving Harri in if she wanted to come inside. "It's okay. We got him home late last night. He wasn't going to get any rest there. Bloody fucking hospitals. I hate the bastards," she cursed, shaking her head. Her eyes caught the coffee in Harri's hand in confusion. "An apology? Um... I think I'm missing something. Forgive me. I haven't gotten much sleep. The mother in me stayed up watching him from about two inches from his nose making sure he was still breathing. Forgot he was concussed and nearly ended up being vomited on, but hey, that's another thing I'm used to of late."
Harri cleared her throat and entered Ali's apartment, and set the coffee down on a little table so she didn't feel like an idiot holding them. Besides, they were piping hot. "I understand... he's you're partner, you're supposed to worry. I don't really know about the mother thing, but--" she shut her mouth before she was about to say, 'but I'm about to'. "The apology is for having the fight with Marc. I didn't mean for him to leave. I actually just wanted time to cool off. I'm not very--right now, I'm just not very patient. And I needed to talk to him, but then he was there with Jamie, and she was crying and we just couldn't stop it, and... I'm sorry."
Ali sat down slowly. "Take a seat," she told her and reached over for one of the coffees. She didn't want Harri to think she was snubbing the gesture. She was grateful, actually. It would give her a second wind to keep an eye on Andrew, especially if he woke up sick again. "I owe you an apology, really. I was just so desperate and probably selfish. I didn't want Sunshine to be sat around a crazy ER for hours on end. All I was told was that Andrew was hurt and unconscious and had been taken to hospital. I called James out of desperation, because really, I know him. I wouldn't have done it unless I was desperate. It hindsight it was probably a stupid move but I wasn't thinking rationally. I didn't know he was going to take her to your place. See, he's not as bad with kids as he makes out. I thought he was going to wing it and be okay. James has a way of winging everything and landing on his feet..." She trailed off, her eyes shifting to all the photos of their bunch from the old days lining her (which used to be James') mantel and walls. "Plus, I know she's draining when she's crying like that. I wish I could say I had a quick fix, but I don't. She has colic and when her little tummy is upset, there isn't a lot I can do but cuddle her."
Harri noticed the way Ali kept saying 'James', but Harri still didn't feel like she'd really earned the right to call him by his true name. He was Marc to her. "No, really... it's just I'd been trying to call him all day because I had to go to the hospital myself, and I guess I just lost it. I know his job's important and he's not always going to be able to contact me, but it was just making me more and more pissed off. I felt like it was something he should have been there for, so I'm the selfish one." Harri crossed her legs over, and cradled her coffee. "Besides, I know that when it comes down to it, you and Jamie should be his first non-work priority." She glanced over at Ali. "He said he never wants children. So maybe he's only good when they're not his."
Ali took a slow sip of her coffee before she answered, contemplating how she was going to broach Harri's comments. "He touched on some of this with me last night when he brought Jamie back to me. He must've gone straight from your place to the hospital, but he stayed with us and brought us home when Andrew was discharged." She wet her lips and nursed the coffee between her hands. "Okay, there's a small missing piece of the puzzle here when you're viewing the situation. James' job isn't a job, it's part of him. He gave up his life for it and it's become at one with him, not just something he does each day to pick up a pay check like a lot of the rest of us. There is no job versus personal life. James is his job, and believe me when I say that he has always been like this, even when he was in the FBI. I can tell you that he's already doubting the stability of your relationship because he thinks you don't get that what he does and what he is is just how things have to be. He disappeared without notice, and sure, that's irritating, but it's going to be a regular thing, Harri. Are you going to get pissed off at him everytime he has to do what he does? Because if you are, it's probably best for you both if you just walk away now. Also, building up mindsets in your head, like this is more important than that or he should put this person before that person, is just going to send you crazy. Not to mention it being a stupid statement. And I'm sorry, but listen to what you're saying. You're basically indicating he needs a rostering system for people he loves. It doesn't work like that. And one more thing, he does want kids. He's always wanted a family. It might not be a prominent thing right now, but he has always wanted it. He was going to help me raise Jamie before he got the call."
"I'm not talking about a bloody rostering system," Harri said with a sigh, trying to work out when she'd become so inadequate with words. "You're his family. I'm the woman he's trying to have a relationship with and now I'm--oh, fuck it. Look, I do understand that his work is a part of him. I even understand that he's going to disappear, but you know what? I'm allowed to freak the fuck out and get clingy when I find out I have a sodding rice grain inside me!" Harri pushed her fingers through her hair and uncrossed her legs as she bent forward, trying to breathe through a sudden wave of nausea. Oh shit, what had she just done?
Ali was anything but thick and she had to set her coffee down so she didn't drop it. She looked at Harri silently and then drew a breath to let out sharply. "You're pregnant," she noted. And then she closed her eyes, her forehead creasing a little. "No, you're not just pregnant. You're pregnant and James doesn't know."
"I was going to tell him," Harri said quietly. She didn't even argue with Ali's statement. "Then he showed up with Jamie, and it just all went wrong."
"You're going to have to talk to him, and tell him, as soon as you can. Don't make the same mistake I did. No matter what you think you're going to do, you have to tell him. I..." Ali stopped, shaking her head. "I nearly had a termination. It was going to be my second. I had one when I was younger. I couldn't go through with it the second time around because... well, I don't know why. I couldn't even explain it if I tried. If you love him, you need to tell him, because he thinks that one, you have no interest in helping him with his niece when he does want to be part of her life, and two, he thinks you don't understand his position with the Service. I wish I could tell you how he is going to react but I don't know. History tells me he'll probably run away to process it, then come back. But I don't know him as well these days as I used to. A whole different set of factors fuels his decisions. He's... hardened."
Harri groaned and almost had her head between her knees. "I know I have to tell him. It's just kind of fucking hard when he storms out after a fight. I don't even know if he's going to talk to me. I can't leave it in a voice mail message... can I?" She lifted her head to peek at Ali, her blonde hair hanging in her face. "I don't know what I'm going to do. It was a decision I wasn't going to make without him, but maybe I've already lost him. And I do... I do love him. I didn't think it was possible, but I do. And I didn't want to be fucking pregnant, but I am."
Ali pressed her lips together and brushed her fingers through her hair. "I wasn't lying that day when I said I used to be like you. Scarily so." She held up a hand and stood up to collect one of the photos of the bunch. She was there in all her Gucci, Jimmy Choo, manicured, slim, sexy and gorgeous glory. She handed the photo to Harri with a snort. "It feels like a lifetime ago. Gone in favour of track pants covered in baby powder and oversized t-shirts covered in baby puke because my tits hurt too much to wear anything too tight most days. They've taken an interesting plunge south with gravity, too. I'm not trying to scare you, I just don't want to piss in your pocket and tell you it's raining. I didn't want to be pregnant. But I was. And now I'm a mother, and you know what? I wouldn't trade Sunshine for the world. And I think you'll find he didn't storm out... he just ran, to me, because I knew what to do with the baby. At least, he thinks I know. I really have only faked my way through the whole thing since she was born. He told me he only came to you because he needed help and thought between the two of you you could pull it off."
"We could have, but I was being a fucking bitch. I tried, I really did. I wanted to help him, and just try and see if I could do it. Then she just wouldn't stop screaming, and Marc didn't understand why I wasn't being fucking polite after being told I have this gestational sac of genes, or some crap inside me that means a baby." Harri looked at the photo and echoed Ali's snort. "I can't pretend to know what James will think, or say, because I only know Marc. Last night was the first time I saw him with his true blond hair, and it was... I wanted to cry, and I don't know how much of that was just hormones. Getting pregnant wasn't part of our deal." She wet her lips and sat back as the nausea eased. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or how I'm supposed to tell him."
Ali nodded. "You had the benefit of knowing, though. He didn't. Imagine how weird you probably seemed to be acting through his eyes. Trust me, because I used to act just like you and I hid the pregnancy for a long time. I'm talking going to work in coats in summer. I figured if I didn't think about it, it would go away. It never went away. It just kept getting bigger and more uncomfortable and I kept puking my guts up like there was no tomorrow. All over James, at one point, now that I think of it. I told him I had food poisoning. Don't be a tosser like I was. I regret every move I made in my early pregnancy. I was totally fucked in the head and the hormones... well, they make you a crazy person." She took the photo back to the mantel and held up another framed photo. It was her first ultrasound photo. "You mean, like this? A dot on a screen? This got Sunshine nicknamed Kermit for the duration of my pregnancy. She was Kermit or Sprog or It right up until I gave birth. I regret that too."
She paused again for a moment. "How did you feel seeing him as James?" she asked quietly. "And you know, there isn't really much of a line between him and his new persona. To look at him, sure. Disturbed the shit out of me when I first saw him with brown eyes. But this Marc you talk about, Harri... he's very similar to what he was back then. James, the funny, caring, promiscuous, loving guy who would rip his heart out for anyone he loved. He just didn't always know the ins and outs of how to pull off a relationship. He gets very scared of losing anyone he gets close to since he lost David."
"He told me that I get the real him, but I've still never called him James. I feel strange about it, but the truth is I like that he can relax around me, and that he feels safe to. I don't want him to think--I can handle all this. It's just when you find out you have a baby growing inside you, rational thought kind of flies out the fucking window. I've never been such a bitch with him, I'm surprised he didn't understand that I was reacting to something. Then again, maybe he just doesn't know me as well as I'd like. I don't know... I just want this fixed. I want him back..." Harri rest her hand against her stomach, a small acknowledgement of the budding life inside her. "I can actually understand that, even if it doesn't seem like I can. I don't actually want to hurt him, but we always seem to fall off the same page."
"You can't assume he can read your mind, Harri. A lot of the time you might think he can the way he looks at you with those eyes and says things stemming from that fucking infuriatingly analytical mind, but he can't know something is wrong unless you tell him. He doesn't know you well enough to know things like that yet. I don't even know with Andrew a lot of the time and we practically live together and see each other most days. The father of my kid was married to a slut with balloons for tits. He married her when I turned down his marriage proposal. I didn't want him to have anything to do with the baby. Plus, James did think you were reacting to something. To him being away for his job and not wanting my daughter around. He might be a clever cookie, but he's never going to be smart enough to jump to the conclusion you're pregnant unless it's a planned tactical move and he expects it. You just need to talk to him and bear in mind that this is going to be fucking hard on both of you so don't go in hoping he will react a certain way. It will just piss you off when he doesn't. He was going home for some sleep. When you got him yesterday, he was running on less than two hours rest. He's not an arsehole. I promise. He just knows how to pretend to be one really well."
Harri shifted on the sofa and stood suddenly. "I need to go see him... If I leave this I'm just going to go out of my fucking mind. Which is saying something, since I already feel like I've gone out of my mind. I really am sorry, Ali. I never meant to lay any of this on you, and I do actually like your daughter. I would never want to stop him from seeing his niece. I'm the one that convinced him to talk to you. Both of you." She rubbed her hand against her face, and gave Ali a small wave. "You should go back to your partner, and your daughter. I just wanted to drop the coffee off."
"Harri," Ali murmured, standing after her. "If he's resting, just... let him catch up on his sleep a little before you throw this at him. Stress can make him really sick. I'm not telling you not to tell him ASAP or suggesting if you do, he'll get sick. He won't. But if he's already tired and shit..." She bit her lip. "He's been in a similar situation to this before. Thought he was going to... yeah... you don't need me to tell you how to suck eggs. He's just not always as tough as he tries to make out he is. He's a big softie inside, really, and gets scared easily. If you've got his heart then... then that's huge, like you wouldn't believe."
"And if I don't?" Harri asked, looking at Ali. She tucked her long blonde hair behind her ears and let out another restless huff of air. "I'll wait. Maybe call him tomorrow. And if he doesn't get back to me, then I swear I won't be a bitch. Thanks again for... listening. I should really go now." Harri held her hand out to Ali. "I hope your paramedic feels better."
That snippy question did make Ali briefly wonder a few things but she just cleared her throat. "Don't be surprised to find yourself sitting at his bedside for weeks on end while he battles a diabetic coma," she said simply. She shook her hand politely. "Thank you. And yeah, if you need anything, you know where I am."
Harri gave a nod, and took her hand back. Her bottom lip trembled and she looked at Ali again, taking a breath like she wanted to say more. Instead she just turned to let herself out, worried that if she did open her mouth again she'd cry, and as much as she liked Ali, she didn't want to break down in front of the the woman. She had enough on her plate. Harri was just going to go back to her apartment and hang onto her knowledge of the rice grain that little bit longer, waiting for a moment when she'd be able to tell Marc. And if she did have to sit at his bedside for weeks on end while he battled a diabetic coma because she'd been a bitch, well, she would.
All muses referenced with permission
Word Count | 3,478