musesandlyrics | 1.16. Star Trek quote
1.16. "You will always be a child of two worlds, and fully capable of deciding your own destiny. The question you face is: which path will you choose?"
Star Trek (2009)
Co-written with isabelowens
[Follows THIS]
James lost track of how long he stood in the shower of Pat and Aiden’s guest bathroom, letting the hot, sharp spray beat down on his back. He tried to sort through everything in his mind, to let the water wash away the confusion, but it wasn’t helping. He had slept with Izzy, and everything beyond that was paling in comparison.
Closure? He doubted it.
He shut the shower off roughly and stepped out of the cubicle. His skin was wrinkled and red from being in there so long. He made a half-hearted, distracted attempt to dry himself before pulling his trousers and wifebeater back on. He had to get back to New York, if only to use needed fresh clothes as an excuse. As he pulled his business shirt on over the top, something flew out of the pocket and fell to the tiles with a metallic ting. He looked down, finding his wedding ring lying on the floor by the vanity. It caused him to freeze for a moment and then he pulled his other arm into the shirt and stooped to pick it up, looking down at it in his palm.
What had they done?
He squeezed his eyes shut and balled his fist around the ring, shaking his head to try and clear it. Dumping the wet towel into the hamper, he exited the bathroom and went down the stairs to the kitchen where Izzy was standing by the counter. Surges of emotion forced their way to the surface again when he saw her, and he put his hand on his stomach to try and get it to settle. When he had woken up after their encounter, which could have been hours after it, he had lost track of time, he had bolted to the bathroom before Izzy woke up. He didn’t escape completely but waking up in bed with her naked felt right, and it should have felt wrong. It all should have felt so wrong.
Izzy looked at James, her face tired and drawn. Her sleep had been broken, the times she'd woken up spent watching James sleep. Nothing had felt wrong, and it should have. Even now she was scared that she could easily abandon Cameron in favour of starting her life again with James, but she couldn't ask him to leave Harri. That much she knew. After talking to Mark, she knew how important it was for a father to be with his child. The tiredness came from the fact that Izzy knew she was going to have to really say goodbye to him this time. She couldn't keep loving him. She had to find a way to stop.
Iz turned to get James a glass of water and offered it to him. "Drink it slowly, it'll help."
James looked over her face and then slowly reached out to place the wedding ring on the pristine cool grey marble counter top. It was only then that he reached for the water and took a slow drink from the glass. He closed his eyes and as he swallowed, placing the glass down beside the ring, he felt close to tears. He actually felt cold, like it was the middle of winter and he got stuck in sleet on the way home from work. But he couldn't reach out to hug her, could he? Why did it feel like every move he was going to make was just going to make it all worse? "I think we left the closure in the gutter at the hospital," he said quietly.
Izzy took the decision out of his hands, and stepped forward to hug him. Her arms slipped around his waist as she held onto him tightly. "I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. I honestly thought it would help. I guess I should have just kept my mouth shut. Kept my legs shut. Kept everything shut."
James hugged her back tightly like he didn't want to let go. "Don't. Please don't apologise. You make it sound like I wasn't a willing participant, and I was. I just don't know what the hell we achieved with it all, and or what we were even trying to achieve. I feel like I just want to go out and hit something or scream in frustration. Get drunk. That's what I want to do, to stop the fucking feelings."
Izzy gripped at the back of his shirt as she felt the tears start to build. She didn't want to cry. She wasn't supposed to cry. She was supposed to get her closure. She wasn't supposed to feel like she wanted to stay with James and ignore the rest of the world. "You're not allowed to get drunk if I can't, loser. I don't plan on watching you get drunk, and just stick to juice."
"I wasn't going to do it in front of you," James mumbled, only half joking. In fact, he was going to revert right back to his stupid late teens/early twenties and run to his brother in a panic, who would likely ply him with alcohol and then try to get him to think everything through in a hungover haze when he was at his weakest. When he spoke again, his voice was choked as he tried not to just break down and let everything avalanche. "What the hell are we doing?"
She lifted her head, and looked at him. She didn't know what they were doing. She didn't know what she was doing let alone that they were both doing. Iz took a breath like she was going to say something, but closed her mouth as she rest her head back against James' shoulder. "I can't walk away."
"Fuck," was James' answer. He had to pull away and shove his fingers into his hair. "Fucking fuck. Fuck." He went to start pacing, but it's like his feet just didn't want to work anymore. He thought about Harri and then his unborn son, and tears welled up in his eyes. "How can I expect her to stay with me when I can't love her solely? How can I do that? I don't want to do that. I'm an arsehole! She doesn't deserve this, but what are we supposed to do? We can't just expect them to keep going along with this shit!"
Iz shook her head as she wrapped her arms around her waist in the absence of James' arms. At least she wasn't the only one thinking along certain lines. She didn't feel like such a bitch now she knew James wasn't over her. God, she sucked. She sucked beyond the telling, and definitely deserved to go to hell. "I can't expect Cameron to stay in limbo. And he is. I know he is. He won't let himself fall if I knows I'm not there to catch him. I'm not exactly watching him while I'm focused on you instead. I can't do that to him. How can I catch him when I got my arms around you?"
A sick feeling turned over in James stomach and he had to lean heavily on the counter and hold his stomach. "But who's going to catch them? Who the fuck is going to catch them after we stepped in and shat all over their world?" he asked, feeling the tears build in his eyes and spill over. "I love her. I just can't love her completely," he said, feeling almost like he couldn't breathe.
"I don't know," Izzy admitted in a whisper as she felt tears spill down her own cheeks as she watched James struggle. It was the one time that taking his pain away was only going to make it worse. She couldn't comfort him without rubbing in the fact that she was breaking up not one relationship, but two. And all because she couldn't forget James fucking Campbell. He could change his name all he wanted, but he was still James Campbell to her. And he was still the man she loved. "I'm sorry."
James tried to brush the tears away, but more just came. "I need to... just..." He didn't really know what. He pulled at the collar of his shirt as it began to feel restricting. "We need to," he corrected before continuing, "get away from each other for a bit and think about what the fuck we're doing. But before that, we need to talk to them and we need to be honest. No more fucking about. I've already hurt her just by being here, even if she gave us her blessing. We need to be honest, for once in our fucking lives. If only once, it needs to be now. I love you, Iz. I can't fucking get you out of my head and I can't just pretend like everything is okay and try to make a fresh start when that just keeps coming back and choking me up."
"Okay," she agreed quietly. She tugged her jacket tighter around her body as she stayed away from James. She still wanted to be hugging him, and kissing him, and even lying with him. She couldn't breathe with how badly she just needed to be with him again. This was worse than a drug. "Are we... what are we?"
James shook his head, swallowing. "We're nothing until we know what we are with Harri and Cameron," he told her. "We owe them that much."
Iz raked her shaky hand through her hair, and nodded. "I know. I just... I'm scared."
"Facing hurting people you love always is," James told her quietly and started to button his shirt up. "I need to go. If I don't go, we're going to do something we regret and we can't do that. I need to just clear my head and... talk to Mark."
"He misses you," Iz told him as she moved closer, but only so she could angle herself to the door. "He thinks you don't need him anymore."
James paused, eyes landing on her face. "How do you know?" he asked suspiciously.
Izzy arched her eyebrow. "Because we both agreed Campbells should be castrated, so you should look into having your baby boy seen to stop all future messes started by the cocks of the men in your family."
James frowned at her, pressing his lips together in annoyance. "What the fuck? You go cut off your kids' balls. There's nothing wrong with my son. Like he can fucking talk walking out on his daughter," he added huffily.
"It was a joke, loser. Don't go getting your balls in a twist." Iz let out a slow breath. "I just had a talk to him. He sounded... sad. Look, I've caused enough trouble for one day, okay? I'm just going to get back to the hospital and see if Cameron needs anything before I break his heart."
James' head was starting to pound and he wasn't sure by this point if he should actually drive back to New York. He was seriously contemplating dragging in a favour off Alex and getting him to drive him back to the city. Or get Mark to come and get him. If only he could get his brain working properly. "Again," he had to say. "You've probably already broken it once, no matter how chivalrous he appeared to be. We cheated on them, plain and simple." He was started to get angry at himself. The stages of grief were kicking in way sooner than he expected... or maybe this was still lingering from when he originally lost Izzy?
"Right. Twice. Fuck." Iz slumped against the kitchen archway, and closed her eyes. She just wanted to sleep. Hide, sleep, and cry a lot. Maybe eat some ice cream. She wanted to know how it had ever got this far, but she'd let it. She'd gone into this knowing full well she was cheating on Cameron. Maybe she should have never fooled herself into thinking she could be in another relationship, and a part of her wanted to tell James he'd started it by being with Harri. It was petty, but she couldn't help it. Izzy let out a frustrated noise.
James was biting down on the inside of his lip and a few moments later he tasted the metallic flavour of blood. He hadn't realised he had been biting that hard. "I need to go and bang my head against a wall or something," he told her, rubbing at his lip. "And I have to be back at work on Monday." He moved towards the door and hesitated, but he didn't move closer towards her. He just shoved his hands into his pockets so he didn't touch her. "I'll see you when you're back on shift."
Isabel nodded, wrapping her arms back around her middle. She would wait for James to leave first before she left. She was tempted to tell him she loved him, but didn't. "Try not to hurt your brains too much. You've already played the amnesia card at work. Pierce might start to wonder. See you when I'm back." Which might be sooner than she planned depending on how the conversation with Cameron went. And how long she could delay it.
James just nodded and drew in a small breath as he turned to leave, not stopping to look back this time. It was only when he got to his car that he realised he had left his wedding ring back in the kitchen. Maybe it was fitting... they couldn't use the excuse they were married with what they just did. It was all on their shoulders, marriage or not.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,271
Star Trek (2009)
Co-written with isabelowens
[Follows THIS]
James lost track of how long he stood in the shower of Pat and Aiden’s guest bathroom, letting the hot, sharp spray beat down on his back. He tried to sort through everything in his mind, to let the water wash away the confusion, but it wasn’t helping. He had slept with Izzy, and everything beyond that was paling in comparison.
Closure? He doubted it.
He shut the shower off roughly and stepped out of the cubicle. His skin was wrinkled and red from being in there so long. He made a half-hearted, distracted attempt to dry himself before pulling his trousers and wifebeater back on. He had to get back to New York, if only to use needed fresh clothes as an excuse. As he pulled his business shirt on over the top, something flew out of the pocket and fell to the tiles with a metallic ting. He looked down, finding his wedding ring lying on the floor by the vanity. It caused him to freeze for a moment and then he pulled his other arm into the shirt and stooped to pick it up, looking down at it in his palm.
What had they done?
He squeezed his eyes shut and balled his fist around the ring, shaking his head to try and clear it. Dumping the wet towel into the hamper, he exited the bathroom and went down the stairs to the kitchen where Izzy was standing by the counter. Surges of emotion forced their way to the surface again when he saw her, and he put his hand on his stomach to try and get it to settle. When he had woken up after their encounter, which could have been hours after it, he had lost track of time, he had bolted to the bathroom before Izzy woke up. He didn’t escape completely but waking up in bed with her naked felt right, and it should have felt wrong. It all should have felt so wrong.
Izzy looked at James, her face tired and drawn. Her sleep had been broken, the times she'd woken up spent watching James sleep. Nothing had felt wrong, and it should have. Even now she was scared that she could easily abandon Cameron in favour of starting her life again with James, but she couldn't ask him to leave Harri. That much she knew. After talking to Mark, she knew how important it was for a father to be with his child. The tiredness came from the fact that Izzy knew she was going to have to really say goodbye to him this time. She couldn't keep loving him. She had to find a way to stop.
Iz turned to get James a glass of water and offered it to him. "Drink it slowly, it'll help."
James looked over her face and then slowly reached out to place the wedding ring on the pristine cool grey marble counter top. It was only then that he reached for the water and took a slow drink from the glass. He closed his eyes and as he swallowed, placing the glass down beside the ring, he felt close to tears. He actually felt cold, like it was the middle of winter and he got stuck in sleet on the way home from work. But he couldn't reach out to hug her, could he? Why did it feel like every move he was going to make was just going to make it all worse? "I think we left the closure in the gutter at the hospital," he said quietly.
Izzy took the decision out of his hands, and stepped forward to hug him. Her arms slipped around his waist as she held onto him tightly. "I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. I honestly thought it would help. I guess I should have just kept my mouth shut. Kept my legs shut. Kept everything shut."
James hugged her back tightly like he didn't want to let go. "Don't. Please don't apologise. You make it sound like I wasn't a willing participant, and I was. I just don't know what the hell we achieved with it all, and or what we were even trying to achieve. I feel like I just want to go out and hit something or scream in frustration. Get drunk. That's what I want to do, to stop the fucking feelings."
Izzy gripped at the back of his shirt as she felt the tears start to build. She didn't want to cry. She wasn't supposed to cry. She was supposed to get her closure. She wasn't supposed to feel like she wanted to stay with James and ignore the rest of the world. "You're not allowed to get drunk if I can't, loser. I don't plan on watching you get drunk, and just stick to juice."
"I wasn't going to do it in front of you," James mumbled, only half joking. In fact, he was going to revert right back to his stupid late teens/early twenties and run to his brother in a panic, who would likely ply him with alcohol and then try to get him to think everything through in a hungover haze when he was at his weakest. When he spoke again, his voice was choked as he tried not to just break down and let everything avalanche. "What the hell are we doing?"
She lifted her head, and looked at him. She didn't know what they were doing. She didn't know what she was doing let alone that they were both doing. Iz took a breath like she was going to say something, but closed her mouth as she rest her head back against James' shoulder. "I can't walk away."
"Fuck," was James' answer. He had to pull away and shove his fingers into his hair. "Fucking fuck. Fuck." He went to start pacing, but it's like his feet just didn't want to work anymore. He thought about Harri and then his unborn son, and tears welled up in his eyes. "How can I expect her to stay with me when I can't love her solely? How can I do that? I don't want to do that. I'm an arsehole! She doesn't deserve this, but what are we supposed to do? We can't just expect them to keep going along with this shit!"
Iz shook her head as she wrapped her arms around her waist in the absence of James' arms. At least she wasn't the only one thinking along certain lines. She didn't feel like such a bitch now she knew James wasn't over her. God, she sucked. She sucked beyond the telling, and definitely deserved to go to hell. "I can't expect Cameron to stay in limbo. And he is. I know he is. He won't let himself fall if I knows I'm not there to catch him. I'm not exactly watching him while I'm focused on you instead. I can't do that to him. How can I catch him when I got my arms around you?"
A sick feeling turned over in James stomach and he had to lean heavily on the counter and hold his stomach. "But who's going to catch them? Who the fuck is going to catch them after we stepped in and shat all over their world?" he asked, feeling the tears build in his eyes and spill over. "I love her. I just can't love her completely," he said, feeling almost like he couldn't breathe.
"I don't know," Izzy admitted in a whisper as she felt tears spill down her own cheeks as she watched James struggle. It was the one time that taking his pain away was only going to make it worse. She couldn't comfort him without rubbing in the fact that she was breaking up not one relationship, but two. And all because she couldn't forget James fucking Campbell. He could change his name all he wanted, but he was still James Campbell to her. And he was still the man she loved. "I'm sorry."
James tried to brush the tears away, but more just came. "I need to... just..." He didn't really know what. He pulled at the collar of his shirt as it began to feel restricting. "We need to," he corrected before continuing, "get away from each other for a bit and think about what the fuck we're doing. But before that, we need to talk to them and we need to be honest. No more fucking about. I've already hurt her just by being here, even if she gave us her blessing. We need to be honest, for once in our fucking lives. If only once, it needs to be now. I love you, Iz. I can't fucking get you out of my head and I can't just pretend like everything is okay and try to make a fresh start when that just keeps coming back and choking me up."
"Okay," she agreed quietly. She tugged her jacket tighter around her body as she stayed away from James. She still wanted to be hugging him, and kissing him, and even lying with him. She couldn't breathe with how badly she just needed to be with him again. This was worse than a drug. "Are we... what are we?"
James shook his head, swallowing. "We're nothing until we know what we are with Harri and Cameron," he told her. "We owe them that much."
Iz raked her shaky hand through her hair, and nodded. "I know. I just... I'm scared."
"Facing hurting people you love always is," James told her quietly and started to button his shirt up. "I need to go. If I don't go, we're going to do something we regret and we can't do that. I need to just clear my head and... talk to Mark."
"He misses you," Iz told him as she moved closer, but only so she could angle herself to the door. "He thinks you don't need him anymore."
James paused, eyes landing on her face. "How do you know?" he asked suspiciously.
Izzy arched her eyebrow. "Because we both agreed Campbells should be castrated, so you should look into having your baby boy seen to stop all future messes started by the cocks of the men in your family."
James frowned at her, pressing his lips together in annoyance. "What the fuck? You go cut off your kids' balls. There's nothing wrong with my son. Like he can fucking talk walking out on his daughter," he added huffily.
"It was a joke, loser. Don't go getting your balls in a twist." Iz let out a slow breath. "I just had a talk to him. He sounded... sad. Look, I've caused enough trouble for one day, okay? I'm just going to get back to the hospital and see if Cameron needs anything before I break his heart."
James' head was starting to pound and he wasn't sure by this point if he should actually drive back to New York. He was seriously contemplating dragging in a favour off Alex and getting him to drive him back to the city. Or get Mark to come and get him. If only he could get his brain working properly. "Again," he had to say. "You've probably already broken it once, no matter how chivalrous he appeared to be. We cheated on them, plain and simple." He was started to get angry at himself. The stages of grief were kicking in way sooner than he expected... or maybe this was still lingering from when he originally lost Izzy?
"Right. Twice. Fuck." Iz slumped against the kitchen archway, and closed her eyes. She just wanted to sleep. Hide, sleep, and cry a lot. Maybe eat some ice cream. She wanted to know how it had ever got this far, but she'd let it. She'd gone into this knowing full well she was cheating on Cameron. Maybe she should have never fooled herself into thinking she could be in another relationship, and a part of her wanted to tell James he'd started it by being with Harri. It was petty, but she couldn't help it. Izzy let out a frustrated noise.
James was biting down on the inside of his lip and a few moments later he tasted the metallic flavour of blood. He hadn't realised he had been biting that hard. "I need to go and bang my head against a wall or something," he told her, rubbing at his lip. "And I have to be back at work on Monday." He moved towards the door and hesitated, but he didn't move closer towards her. He just shoved his hands into his pockets so he didn't touch her. "I'll see you when you're back on shift."
Isabel nodded, wrapping her arms back around her middle. She would wait for James to leave first before she left. She was tempted to tell him she loved him, but didn't. "Try not to hurt your brains too much. You've already played the amnesia card at work. Pierce might start to wonder. See you when I'm back." Which might be sooner than she planned depending on how the conversation with Cameron went. And how long she could delay it.
James just nodded and drew in a small breath as he turned to leave, not stopping to look back this time. It was only when he got to his car that he realised he had left his wedding ring back in the kitchen. Maybe it was fitting... they couldn't use the excuse they were married with what they just did. It was all on their shoulders, marriage or not.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,271