muse_shuffle | June Disc One
08. Why am I dealing with this feeling?
I'm maxed out like a credit card.
I'll continue to be my worst enemy.
It's easy but it seems so hard.
You're near but you seem so far.
[Wasted & Ready - Ben Kweller]
James found himself left alone for the first time since he had been discharged home from hospital. Harri and his family seemed reluctant to leave him alone, which was understandable. But it was like he couldn't even scratch himself without an audience. It was well reminiscent to his previous stays in hospital, but he still found his brain was attempting to force him to think in solitude. He had to learn all over again that he wasn't alone or isolated in any more foreign environments or mindsets. It wasn't an easy lesson to learn and he was going to be getting visits from the SS psychologist to talk the mind blocks out in the coming weeks. But he was glad to be home, even if Harri's apartment just didn't seem to be somewhere he was managing to settle. It was hard because he was trying to feel normal again, like James, but he was in a place that didn't feel like home. Before the decision to return to his old life, he hadn't had the chance to settle here. He had been too disconnected from everything to have the opportunity. It was making things just that little bit more difficult for him.
However, he was still James Campbell at heart. It was going to take a lot more than a coma to keep him down. Out of hearing range of Harri or his family, he had coaxed Pierce to bring him over case files from the department's more prominent cases in the works. He was itching to do something or he would go crazy. Now that he was on his own, he had the files spread out all over the bed. It was odd working with FBI files again, but it was like riding a bike - you never forgot. A file nearly slipped off the edge of the bed when he reached for another, but he grabbed it before it dropped. As he did, he caught sight of something pink on the floor, and leaned over to scooped up a fluffy pink teddy bear. Ali must have accidentally left it when she dropped by that morning...
Mark and his parents had been out, and Harri had been on her way to work when Ali arrived with Jamie. James had been over the moon to see them after their trip to Australia and he had laughed when Jamie started to squeal and giggle, trying to twist and flip out of Ali's arms when she saw him. He realised how much he absolutely adored having his niece react like that to him. It meant the world to him. Ali had been more than happy to offload her baby girl to her uncle, and it was when she was handing the bouncy pink bundle over to him that James caught sight of the rock on Ali's left hand that nearly blinded him and nearly caused him to fall out of the bed in shock.
Ali had looked momentarily sheepish like she had been caught doing something naughty in public before she broke into a grin that she couldn't hold back, admitting to him that Andrew had proposed on their trip and she had accepted. James reflexively teased her by asking who wouldn't accept a rock like that, before he became emotional and congratulated her with a huge hug. They were both teary, and Ali admitted to him that she was over the moon, but terrified. The subject of Mark was pointedly avoided as James reassured her that it would be fine. It still felt strange because he was more than aware that he knew very little about Ali's guy, and he couldn't dilute the guilt that sloshed in his gut again. He had to change that, and ASAP. He couldn't not think about the look on his brother's face at hearing Ali all but hated him, though. James knew now his brother hadn't been able to process beyond his own grief, otherwise he probably would have stepped up to his duties as Jamie's father. But it was too late. Grief or not, he had left Ali high and dry and she moved on, and Andrew could offer her everything she deserved. He also knew Ali had an ocean's depth of love to give. She could give Andrew as much as he gave her. They were wonderful together. Mark was going to get hurt, but the past had to stay the past... just like James and Izzy.
James hugged the little bear to his chest and frowned a little as his thoughts shifted back to Izzy. He hadn't really seen her much lately and he had a worried sick feeling inside that maybe they just couldn't be friends anymore. Maybe too much had happened. Maybe she was avoiding him. He missed her, but didn't feel entitled to chase after her and ask why she had hardly visited since he woke up. He knew she was busy with the footballer and work, but there were phones and email. He shook his head, trying not to dwell on it. He just hoped that if things were going to be final between them on a personal level that they could still work together, or it was just going to plain suck. And then there was Harri. He still felt a distance with her too that he was working hard to repair. It was nice, but like Ali, he was terrified as they veered closer and closer into the realms of commitment where he might lose her at any minute. She knew about David, but probably not the extent it had scarred him personally and hardened his heart to committing romantically to anyone. Izzy had been a casualty of that, and he would never be able to apologise enough for how everything crashed and burned there. He didn't want the same thing to happen with Harri, but he was worried he didn't know any other way, either.
And the baby. He was going to be a father. He couldn't be fucked in the head. He had to fix all that so he didn't screw the kid up like he nearly screwed his own life up. He wanted to be happy and content again. He wanted to know what it felt like to smile like Ali did when she cuddled her daughter, or even how it felt to laugh like he had seen Andrew do when Jamie tried to tear her frilly bonnet off in horror of the fashion faux pas. And these were wants he had never in his life thought he would ever have. Maybe if he if just stopped and let himself heal from everything that hurt in the past, he would deserve that? Maybe once they knew the sex, it would get easier? Or maybe his son or daughter was the key to healing everything?
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 1,139
I'm maxed out like a credit card.
I'll continue to be my worst enemy.
It's easy but it seems so hard.
You're near but you seem so far.
[Wasted & Ready - Ben Kweller]
James found himself left alone for the first time since he had been discharged home from hospital. Harri and his family seemed reluctant to leave him alone, which was understandable. But it was like he couldn't even scratch himself without an audience. It was well reminiscent to his previous stays in hospital, but he still found his brain was attempting to force him to think in solitude. He had to learn all over again that he wasn't alone or isolated in any more foreign environments or mindsets. It wasn't an easy lesson to learn and he was going to be getting visits from the SS psychologist to talk the mind blocks out in the coming weeks. But he was glad to be home, even if Harri's apartment just didn't seem to be somewhere he was managing to settle. It was hard because he was trying to feel normal again, like James, but he was in a place that didn't feel like home. Before the decision to return to his old life, he hadn't had the chance to settle here. He had been too disconnected from everything to have the opportunity. It was making things just that little bit more difficult for him.
However, he was still James Campbell at heart. It was going to take a lot more than a coma to keep him down. Out of hearing range of Harri or his family, he had coaxed Pierce to bring him over case files from the department's more prominent cases in the works. He was itching to do something or he would go crazy. Now that he was on his own, he had the files spread out all over the bed. It was odd working with FBI files again, but it was like riding a bike - you never forgot. A file nearly slipped off the edge of the bed when he reached for another, but he grabbed it before it dropped. As he did, he caught sight of something pink on the floor, and leaned over to scooped up a fluffy pink teddy bear. Ali must have accidentally left it when she dropped by that morning...
Mark and his parents had been out, and Harri had been on her way to work when Ali arrived with Jamie. James had been over the moon to see them after their trip to Australia and he had laughed when Jamie started to squeal and giggle, trying to twist and flip out of Ali's arms when she saw him. He realised how much he absolutely adored having his niece react like that to him. It meant the world to him. Ali had been more than happy to offload her baby girl to her uncle, and it was when she was handing the bouncy pink bundle over to him that James caught sight of the rock on Ali's left hand that nearly blinded him and nearly caused him to fall out of the bed in shock.
Ali had looked momentarily sheepish like she had been caught doing something naughty in public before she broke into a grin that she couldn't hold back, admitting to him that Andrew had proposed on their trip and she had accepted. James reflexively teased her by asking who wouldn't accept a rock like that, before he became emotional and congratulated her with a huge hug. They were both teary, and Ali admitted to him that she was over the moon, but terrified. The subject of Mark was pointedly avoided as James reassured her that it would be fine. It still felt strange because he was more than aware that he knew very little about Ali's guy, and he couldn't dilute the guilt that sloshed in his gut again. He had to change that, and ASAP. He couldn't not think about the look on his brother's face at hearing Ali all but hated him, though. James knew now his brother hadn't been able to process beyond his own grief, otherwise he probably would have stepped up to his duties as Jamie's father. But it was too late. Grief or not, he had left Ali high and dry and she moved on, and Andrew could offer her everything she deserved. He also knew Ali had an ocean's depth of love to give. She could give Andrew as much as he gave her. They were wonderful together. Mark was going to get hurt, but the past had to stay the past... just like James and Izzy.
James hugged the little bear to his chest and frowned a little as his thoughts shifted back to Izzy. He hadn't really seen her much lately and he had a worried sick feeling inside that maybe they just couldn't be friends anymore. Maybe too much had happened. Maybe she was avoiding him. He missed her, but didn't feel entitled to chase after her and ask why she had hardly visited since he woke up. He knew she was busy with the footballer and work, but there were phones and email. He shook his head, trying not to dwell on it. He just hoped that if things were going to be final between them on a personal level that they could still work together, or it was just going to plain suck. And then there was Harri. He still felt a distance with her too that he was working hard to repair. It was nice, but like Ali, he was terrified as they veered closer and closer into the realms of commitment where he might lose her at any minute. She knew about David, but probably not the extent it had scarred him personally and hardened his heart to committing romantically to anyone. Izzy had been a casualty of that, and he would never be able to apologise enough for how everything crashed and burned there. He didn't want the same thing to happen with Harri, but he was worried he didn't know any other way, either.
And the baby. He was going to be a father. He couldn't be fucked in the head. He had to fix all that so he didn't screw the kid up like he nearly screwed his own life up. He wanted to be happy and content again. He wanted to know what it felt like to smile like Ali did when she cuddled her daughter, or even how it felt to laugh like he had seen Andrew do when Jamie tried to tear her frilly bonnet off in horror of the fashion faux pas. And these were wants he had never in his life thought he would ever have. Maybe if he if just stopped and let himself heal from everything that hurt in the past, he would deserve that? Maybe once they knew the sex, it would get easier? Or maybe his son or daughter was the key to healing everything?
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 1,139