musebyquotes | 2.5. Kathryn L. Nelson quote
2.5. "Passion is seldom the end of any story, for it cannot long endure if it is not soon supplemented with true affection and mutual respect."
- Kathryn L. Nelson
Co-written with isabelowens
[Follows THIS and THIS]
Marc leaned over and put his empty cup on the floor beside his seat and stretched back. The seats were uncomfortable. He was sure it was so people wouldn't stick around patients' bed-sides for too long and get in the nurses' way. Between coming back with the two large coffees and finishing his, not a word had been said between Marc and Izzy. They just sat drinking the coffee, lost in their own thoughts. Cameron was sedated and post-op, so he was on oxygen and a heart monitor, just as precaution. Once he woke up, they would probably remove a lot of that shit. Marc looked at the unconscious man's face. He was so like Pat, yet Pat was clearly less sports-built and much more feminine. Pat's hair was longer and face and body slimmer, but they were twins no doubt. Same hair colour, same eyes, same smile.
He knew he was going to have to be the one to break the silence. He sat forward again and folded his hands together in front of him, elbows resting on his knees. "Pat's ill... I don't know whether Cameron told you that. His hands were shaking and he was speaking slower than last time I spoke to him. I can't imagine this has been easy for him to cope with. I am glad he was the one to give you the okay, though. It's how it should be," he said quietly.
"He did, yes. I know all about Pat. I just didn't realise he was a friend of yours, or that his husband was your girlfriend's best friend. For SS you're pretty good at neglecting to brief the rest of us fully. Thank you so much for letting me feeling like a fucking idiot." Iz tried not to squeeze Cameron's hand too hard as she felt the anger bubble to the surface. "I'm glad he did too, but I could have done with knowing his husband is the one looking to murder you."
"Christ, here we go again," Marc growled softly, putting his hands over his face and rubbing his cheeks roughly. "I'm sorry that, on top of everything else, I'm not a fucking psychic mind reader. I'm sorry that I was too busy bending over backwards to get you to England as quickly as humanly possible to see the bloke that I didn't put two and two together. I'm sorry I didn't know Pat's surname was Preston. I'm sorry I didn't remember his brother played for Liverpool. I'm sorry that Harri didn't tell me Aiden and Pat had rushed to England overnight. I'm sorry I'm the biggest bastard to walk the face of the earth. I'm sorry that you seem to think every single move, and decision, I make in this world is to fuck you over!"
"It's only since you fucking died and abandoned me that I've been thinking that!" Iz hissed back. Then she exhaled and cursed herself. "You never talk about her. You never talk about anything except work, and what things had been like, and how much you thought about me. Which is... touching. And I did think about you so much, but we have to move on. You can't move on until you feel comfortable enough to talk about your life with me. I called you in the middle of the night to come and help me with my kismet lay. We slept together last night and still you say nothing about her, or about what you do in New York when you aren't at work. I don't feel a part of your life. I feel like I'm being kept as a part just for James. And if that's what you want, then just tell me. Otherwise I'm going to keep feeling like an idiot when I don't understand what I'm walking into."
Marc stared at the floor and rubbed his thumbs against his temples. "I'm not exactly sure where in, like, forty eight hours I was supposed to give you the whole story. Not to mention the way you look like I've kicked you in the guts every time I mention the fact she's pregnant," he said quietly. "That doesn't exactly give me confidence to think I can open up about her to you. So I haven't. I've done everything I can to avoid the subject so you don't look at me like that... like it's just another thing I've done wrong."
Tears slid down Izzy's cheeks and she let go of Cameron's hand so she could take both of Campbell's in hers. "I love you, even if I have that look. I want you to be happy, even when I get that look. I'm sorry I'm not making it easy, I really am. It's just hard sometimes to accept that while my world stopped, yours kept going and you've been having this whole other life. I'm trying to catch up with it, James. I know it seems like you've done all these things wrong because I'm being such a bitch, but having you here far outweighs any of that. I thought you were gone, and I'd never get to see you again. I didn't get to say goodbye... I guess I'm going through grief in reverse."
"That's the thing," Marc said, lifting his head to look at her. "I don't think you can see how hard this all was for me too. You think I didn't grieve when I walked away from everything too? I lost all of you. I lost my home, I lost my life. And I know you probably think that because I chose to do this that I probably just went on my happy little way, stepped into this whole new shiney life without so much as batting an eyelid, but it wasn't like that. I grieved too. I still am. There is not one day I wake up not missing something or someone and it hurts. I feel like even though you're back, I'm going to spend the rest of my life paying for choice I made... a choice I needed to make. I can't even explain why I needed to make it. I had to do it. It was the right thing to do. I had the ability to do it. And I fucking do it well. But you just make me feel like everything I did was stupid or wrong. Where has Special Agent Isabel Owens gone, huh? Why isn't she here to understand that sometimes you have to make decisions that are bigger than you and bigger than your own life just to help something and maybe save some lives in the process? Where is she? Because I miss her. She's the one I hoped would understand - even just a little bit - why I had to do this."
"She does understand, but she got crushed. Can't you understand that? She's not invincible. Same as you aren't. You're grieving all this for a reason, Campbell. You are a fucking spectactular agent, and the truth is you deserve to be in the SS. You also should be helping, and working for things you believe in. But the person Isabel Owens can't understand why her best friend, and the man she loved is destroying himself. I'm sorry if I can't get past that. I'm trying, James. I really am." She rubbed her thumbs over the backs of his hands, and looked at him. "I'm sorry you had to leave everything, I'm sorry it couldn't have been better for you, and for everyone. I'm sorry David's gone, and I'm sorry I ever tried to force myself on you while you were trying to deal with the idea of leaving behind your life. I have just as many mistakes under my belt, and you should probably have been giving me the same looks of murder. I'll try and bring back the Izzy you want, but she's been gone a long time. It's not easy."
Marc looked at her tiredly. "It's a two way street, you know," he said, barely audibly. "I don't know if I can fit into your life any more either. I keep trying to think of a way we can go back to as much how we were as we used to be, but I think the fact I'm with Harri and expecting a baby is hurting you too much. Maybe we should just... I don't know. I just don't know anymore." He shrugged helplessly. "I don't want to hurt you anymore, Iz, but I just seem to keep doing that over and over again."
"You promised me," Izzy whispered. "You promised you wouldn't walk away again. And I asked you if you wanted me to leave that first night... I gave you the out! You didn't take it, and now we're just going to have to work through it because I want us to be us. Just not the in love us. It's only hurting me because I still feel seperate from it. I still feel like I don't know anything about you. I can't even work out still what the fuck I'm supposed to call you. You'll hurt me more if you disappear again. I can't take that... Same as I don't think you can, either."
Marc felt like he was going to cry again but he squeezed his eyes shut and hunched forward a little, trying to shield himself from more emotional pain. "What do you want to know?" he whispered, meeting her eyes. "Ask me and I'll tell you."
"What do you want me to call you?" It was easier if Iz started with that. As much as she wanted to know about his girlfriend, at least something to call him would make it less confusing. She leaned forward and covered his body with hers as she kissed his back and rubbed her hand over him.
The contact was nice. He had always needed physical contact when he was at his worst. How he got through those months with none, he would never know. "James. Call me James when we're alone. When we're in public, it has to be Marc. I'm sorry," he told her, and curled his hand around her arm.
"I do love you, James. And I'm glad you're back. I really am. I'm sorry I fucked it all up and made it a big mess. And I'm sorry I keep acting like a bitch. Just be patient with me, please." She stayed holding him, her eyes opening just enough to check on Cameron. It was strange being in the room with the two men. It also helped her realise James really was her past lover, but she couldn't let him go as her best friend. She still needed him. She just wanted to be free to see if something was possible with Cameron.
"I love you too," Marc told her, listening to the beeps of the monitor. Actually, he was kind of relieved he wasn't the patient for once. "What else do you want to know? What do you need to know to understand that I'm still the same person somewhere in here? You're still part of my life."
"How did you meet her? What does she look like? What made you want to try for her?" Iz stroked her hand over his back and smiled a little. "Do you still eat M&Ms?"
Marc wet his lips and a flicker of a smirk tugged at the corner of them. "Harri is Harriet Ryan. She owns, runs, created Razor magazine. Or as Ali says her 'toilet reading'. I assume that was a compliment, knowing Ali. I met her at the magazine's Christmas party. I was there for work, just basically being seen and known in the New York business world. We fucked in the elevator. Marcus had a reputation for behaviour like that, so it was good for the case for me to actually get her up against the wall in public like that, but we were playing each other and knew it. It was a lot like that for a long time, and then she found out who I really was and I guess I realised then that I had feelings for her that went beyond sex. I never meant for it to happen, but she and I are very alike. Like you wouldn't believe. I guess we just clicked, but like I said, it's still technically early days. The kid was a total shock and an accident. Harri was ill and we thought she was safe on the pill, but she wasn't. We discussed a termination, but I realised after everything with Ali, I couldn't kill my own kid. So, we're just together trying to figure out what this committment thing means for both of us, but it's not been easy."
He smirked at her. "And yeah, I do. Just not as much as I used to. Even in those few short months of heavy stress, my tolerance to sugar lessened. I just try to steer clear where I can, but you know me. I can't ever give something up completely," he told her, meeting her eyes pointedly.
Iz smirked back. "What is it about the women that treat you rough? You always did like it when I slapped you around... And I know what you mean. I've never been good at that either." She pressed a kiss to his forehead before she took Cameron's hand the same moment she took one of James'. "I'll want to meet her, but you should talk to her first. I can wait. Just don't let something special slip out of your hands, loser."
"With my track record? I'm surprised any of you want to be around me anymore," Marc murmured, looking at Izzy's hand around Cameron's. "Looks like it's time to move on," he finally realised.
"It's the Campbell charm. That, and you always fed me in candy. Then it was the hot sex... it's easy to stay around," she teased. She turned her head to follow his gaze and nodded. Her expression was tinged with sadness, but he was right. And it was what she wanted. What they both needed. "Things will be better this way, James. We're not losing anything. We're still best friends. I'll always be here for you. Always."
Marc nodded, though when he spoke, he just sounded lost with a hint of sadness. "Likewise," he promised softly.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,411
- Kathryn L. Nelson
Co-written with isabelowens
[Follows THIS and THIS]
Marc leaned over and put his empty cup on the floor beside his seat and stretched back. The seats were uncomfortable. He was sure it was so people wouldn't stick around patients' bed-sides for too long and get in the nurses' way. Between coming back with the two large coffees and finishing his, not a word had been said between Marc and Izzy. They just sat drinking the coffee, lost in their own thoughts. Cameron was sedated and post-op, so he was on oxygen and a heart monitor, just as precaution. Once he woke up, they would probably remove a lot of that shit. Marc looked at the unconscious man's face. He was so like Pat, yet Pat was clearly less sports-built and much more feminine. Pat's hair was longer and face and body slimmer, but they were twins no doubt. Same hair colour, same eyes, same smile.
He knew he was going to have to be the one to break the silence. He sat forward again and folded his hands together in front of him, elbows resting on his knees. "Pat's ill... I don't know whether Cameron told you that. His hands were shaking and he was speaking slower than last time I spoke to him. I can't imagine this has been easy for him to cope with. I am glad he was the one to give you the okay, though. It's how it should be," he said quietly.
"He did, yes. I know all about Pat. I just didn't realise he was a friend of yours, or that his husband was your girlfriend's best friend. For SS you're pretty good at neglecting to brief the rest of us fully. Thank you so much for letting me feeling like a fucking idiot." Iz tried not to squeeze Cameron's hand too hard as she felt the anger bubble to the surface. "I'm glad he did too, but I could have done with knowing his husband is the one looking to murder you."
"Christ, here we go again," Marc growled softly, putting his hands over his face and rubbing his cheeks roughly. "I'm sorry that, on top of everything else, I'm not a fucking psychic mind reader. I'm sorry that I was too busy bending over backwards to get you to England as quickly as humanly possible to see the bloke that I didn't put two and two together. I'm sorry I didn't know Pat's surname was Preston. I'm sorry I didn't remember his brother played for Liverpool. I'm sorry that Harri didn't tell me Aiden and Pat had rushed to England overnight. I'm sorry I'm the biggest bastard to walk the face of the earth. I'm sorry that you seem to think every single move, and decision, I make in this world is to fuck you over!"
"It's only since you fucking died and abandoned me that I've been thinking that!" Iz hissed back. Then she exhaled and cursed herself. "You never talk about her. You never talk about anything except work, and what things had been like, and how much you thought about me. Which is... touching. And I did think about you so much, but we have to move on. You can't move on until you feel comfortable enough to talk about your life with me. I called you in the middle of the night to come and help me with my kismet lay. We slept together last night and still you say nothing about her, or about what you do in New York when you aren't at work. I don't feel a part of your life. I feel like I'm being kept as a part just for James. And if that's what you want, then just tell me. Otherwise I'm going to keep feeling like an idiot when I don't understand what I'm walking into."
Marc stared at the floor and rubbed his thumbs against his temples. "I'm not exactly sure where in, like, forty eight hours I was supposed to give you the whole story. Not to mention the way you look like I've kicked you in the guts every time I mention the fact she's pregnant," he said quietly. "That doesn't exactly give me confidence to think I can open up about her to you. So I haven't. I've done everything I can to avoid the subject so you don't look at me like that... like it's just another thing I've done wrong."
Tears slid down Izzy's cheeks and she let go of Cameron's hand so she could take both of Campbell's in hers. "I love you, even if I have that look. I want you to be happy, even when I get that look. I'm sorry I'm not making it easy, I really am. It's just hard sometimes to accept that while my world stopped, yours kept going and you've been having this whole other life. I'm trying to catch up with it, James. I know it seems like you've done all these things wrong because I'm being such a bitch, but having you here far outweighs any of that. I thought you were gone, and I'd never get to see you again. I didn't get to say goodbye... I guess I'm going through grief in reverse."
"That's the thing," Marc said, lifting his head to look at her. "I don't think you can see how hard this all was for me too. You think I didn't grieve when I walked away from everything too? I lost all of you. I lost my home, I lost my life. And I know you probably think that because I chose to do this that I probably just went on my happy little way, stepped into this whole new shiney life without so much as batting an eyelid, but it wasn't like that. I grieved too. I still am. There is not one day I wake up not missing something or someone and it hurts. I feel like even though you're back, I'm going to spend the rest of my life paying for choice I made... a choice I needed to make. I can't even explain why I needed to make it. I had to do it. It was the right thing to do. I had the ability to do it. And I fucking do it well. But you just make me feel like everything I did was stupid or wrong. Where has Special Agent Isabel Owens gone, huh? Why isn't she here to understand that sometimes you have to make decisions that are bigger than you and bigger than your own life just to help something and maybe save some lives in the process? Where is she? Because I miss her. She's the one I hoped would understand - even just a little bit - why I had to do this."
"She does understand, but she got crushed. Can't you understand that? She's not invincible. Same as you aren't. You're grieving all this for a reason, Campbell. You are a fucking spectactular agent, and the truth is you deserve to be in the SS. You also should be helping, and working for things you believe in. But the person Isabel Owens can't understand why her best friend, and the man she loved is destroying himself. I'm sorry if I can't get past that. I'm trying, James. I really am." She rubbed her thumbs over the backs of his hands, and looked at him. "I'm sorry you had to leave everything, I'm sorry it couldn't have been better for you, and for everyone. I'm sorry David's gone, and I'm sorry I ever tried to force myself on you while you were trying to deal with the idea of leaving behind your life. I have just as many mistakes under my belt, and you should probably have been giving me the same looks of murder. I'll try and bring back the Izzy you want, but she's been gone a long time. It's not easy."
Marc looked at her tiredly. "It's a two way street, you know," he said, barely audibly. "I don't know if I can fit into your life any more either. I keep trying to think of a way we can go back to as much how we were as we used to be, but I think the fact I'm with Harri and expecting a baby is hurting you too much. Maybe we should just... I don't know. I just don't know anymore." He shrugged helplessly. "I don't want to hurt you anymore, Iz, but I just seem to keep doing that over and over again."
"You promised me," Izzy whispered. "You promised you wouldn't walk away again. And I asked you if you wanted me to leave that first night... I gave you the out! You didn't take it, and now we're just going to have to work through it because I want us to be us. Just not the in love us. It's only hurting me because I still feel seperate from it. I still feel like I don't know anything about you. I can't even work out still what the fuck I'm supposed to call you. You'll hurt me more if you disappear again. I can't take that... Same as I don't think you can, either."
Marc felt like he was going to cry again but he squeezed his eyes shut and hunched forward a little, trying to shield himself from more emotional pain. "What do you want to know?" he whispered, meeting her eyes. "Ask me and I'll tell you."
"What do you want me to call you?" It was easier if Iz started with that. As much as she wanted to know about his girlfriend, at least something to call him would make it less confusing. She leaned forward and covered his body with hers as she kissed his back and rubbed her hand over him.
The contact was nice. He had always needed physical contact when he was at his worst. How he got through those months with none, he would never know. "James. Call me James when we're alone. When we're in public, it has to be Marc. I'm sorry," he told her, and curled his hand around her arm.
"I do love you, James. And I'm glad you're back. I really am. I'm sorry I fucked it all up and made it a big mess. And I'm sorry I keep acting like a bitch. Just be patient with me, please." She stayed holding him, her eyes opening just enough to check on Cameron. It was strange being in the room with the two men. It also helped her realise James really was her past lover, but she couldn't let him go as her best friend. She still needed him. She just wanted to be free to see if something was possible with Cameron.
"I love you too," Marc told her, listening to the beeps of the monitor. Actually, he was kind of relieved he wasn't the patient for once. "What else do you want to know? What do you need to know to understand that I'm still the same person somewhere in here? You're still part of my life."
"How did you meet her? What does she look like? What made you want to try for her?" Iz stroked her hand over his back and smiled a little. "Do you still eat M&Ms?"
Marc wet his lips and a flicker of a smirk tugged at the corner of them. "Harri is Harriet Ryan. She owns, runs, created Razor magazine. Or as Ali says her 'toilet reading'. I assume that was a compliment, knowing Ali. I met her at the magazine's Christmas party. I was there for work, just basically being seen and known in the New York business world. We fucked in the elevator. Marcus had a reputation for behaviour like that, so it was good for the case for me to actually get her up against the wall in public like that, but we were playing each other and knew it. It was a lot like that for a long time, and then she found out who I really was and I guess I realised then that I had feelings for her that went beyond sex. I never meant for it to happen, but she and I are very alike. Like you wouldn't believe. I guess we just clicked, but like I said, it's still technically early days. The kid was a total shock and an accident. Harri was ill and we thought she was safe on the pill, but she wasn't. We discussed a termination, but I realised after everything with Ali, I couldn't kill my own kid. So, we're just together trying to figure out what this committment thing means for both of us, but it's not been easy."
He smirked at her. "And yeah, I do. Just not as much as I used to. Even in those few short months of heavy stress, my tolerance to sugar lessened. I just try to steer clear where I can, but you know me. I can't ever give something up completely," he told her, meeting her eyes pointedly.
Iz smirked back. "What is it about the women that treat you rough? You always did like it when I slapped you around... And I know what you mean. I've never been good at that either." She pressed a kiss to his forehead before she took Cameron's hand the same moment she took one of James'. "I'll want to meet her, but you should talk to her first. I can wait. Just don't let something special slip out of your hands, loser."
"With my track record? I'm surprised any of you want to be around me anymore," Marc murmured, looking at Izzy's hand around Cameron's. "Looks like it's time to move on," he finally realised.
"It's the Campbell charm. That, and you always fed me in candy. Then it was the hot sex... it's easy to stay around," she teased. She turned her head to follow his gaze and nodded. Her expression was tinged with sadness, but he was right. And it was what she wanted. What they both needed. "Things will be better this way, James. We're not losing anything. We're still best friends. I'll always be here for you. Always."
Marc nodded, though when he spoke, he just sounded lost with a hint of sadness. "Likewise," he promised softly.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,411