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So many things that tumble behind my eyes (A list)

Tattoos
Dali's The Elephants, 1948.
$$
Ampersands
Man to Man: A History of Gay Photography by Pierre Borhan
Septum piercings, boys with. Or without.
The relative slowness of being

I am not getting better. I go to group three times a week so that I will get better, but it just is not happening. Truth: I do not do drugs, but I am still compulsive. Compulsive spending. Compulsive eating. Too much or too little. Withholding and indulgence. It's like I am afraid to be myself and in the process of living I just crash all ( Read more... )

The first time I masturbated, I wondered if I was doing it right. I had read a story about a boy climbing up a tall pole, his legs wrapped around it so his dick rubbed under his jeans. I knew that I needed to rub mine, back and forth, and at the end I was supposed to get that feeling I got after those special dreams that come around the time of ( Read more... )

I looked at an old picture of me and my ex today. It's funny how much hatred can be stirred up by a little blurry photograph with bad lighting. My arms were wrapped around his neck, not in the violent way that they would be these days. I feel stupid for ever being with him, and I don't like to feel stupid. I don't like to feel trapped. Those ( Read more... )

I un-quit smoking. Just for today. Tomorrow, we'll see. Every day I need to pick something to get the job done. It's like shoveling dirt back into a hole. Today the dirt is tobacco. Yesterday it was a sticky nicotine patch and a rubber band around my wrist (snap snap snap and I'm back to reality). Tomorrow it could be anything, but I'm not ( Read more... )

The secret to being an addict is never letting anyone know. When everyone else talks about drugs, you say you can take it or leave it. But inside there's something clawing at you to take the pill, or snort the line, or smoke the blunt. You can roll great blunts and cut beautiful lines. Being a cutter and a cocaine addict was simple, the razor ( Read more... )

I'm quitting smoking tonight. There's one left in the pack. Smoking has been my best friend since I quit drugs and drinking, and I don't know how to quit. Quitting alcohol, and pot, and coke, and whatever else I used to put inside me was easy: I filled up my time. Cigarettes didn't hinder me from being productive (although, sometimes neither ( Read more... )

-- Took mama to work ( Read more... )

Trying to keep up with this whole "let's all feel special and touchy-feel-y about our small victories" thing, so my list for today ( Read more... )