[je] fic: a code in 3 parts - part 3b (ryo/shige, pi/shige)
Title: A Code in 3 Parts
Chapter: Part 3b
Written: 051008
Summary: Over time, Ryo deciphers the code of his own feelings. Ryo/Shige. Pi/Shige. WC: 1362.
Fandom: Johnny's Entertainment.
Notes: 'Code' is one of my favouritest JE songs, and it was the reason that changed my initially unfavourable impression of Ryo. Every time I see him perform this song is an experience, and the one on Pacific finally galvanised me to write something for it.
Disclaimer: Is my surname Kitagawa?
prologue + part 1a
part 1b
part 2
part 3a
“Yasu said I'd find you here.” Hina's voice, quiet and concerned for once, roused Ryo from his malaise. He felt the edge of the couch he was curled up upon dip as Hina sat, giving Ryo's shoulder a gentle nudge as he did.
In response, Ryo hunched his shoulders even higher, tucking his head resolutely in his arms. He was in a grand blue funk, and the boisterous rowdiness that was a key Eito feature when all the members got together was something he really didn't want to be near to right now.
The moment dance practice had ended, he'd taken off to the nearest empty dressing room to wallow. He thought he'd heard the door open once a little earlier, but since whoever it was closed it again after a beat, he'd decided to ignore it.
It had been nearly two weeks since the Shokura taping and nine days since he'd practically fled back to Osaka, but because the various members of Kanjani8 had been scheduled for individual work activities, he hadn't seen any of them until today when they had regrouped for dance choreography and practice. Most of them had sensed the thundercloud shrouding him and had prudently given him the space he believed he definitely needed.
But not everyone had taken the hint, as evidenced by Hina's not-exactly-welcome presence against his back.
“Ryo, I know you're awake. Your breathing's different.”
Ryo kept his eyes closed, hoping Hina would give up and leave soon.
“Yamapi gave me a call yesterday.”
Ryo's eyes snapped open.
“He told me a few things, and he wanted me to pass you a message.” Hina's hand was rubbing slow, calming circles to counter the aching tension in Ryo's upper back. “He said to let you know that avoiding him... avoiding the both of them, well, it isn't going to make how you feel go away, nor will it make anyone happy.” Hina had kept quiet after that, merely resting his hand comfortingly on Ryo's shoulder.
Ryo could feel the blood pounding loud in his ears. He let out a a shaky breath he hadn't realised he had been holding. Gradually, his hand crept up to clutch Hina's fingers like a lifeline. The firm grip he received from Hina in return was what finally broke the dam.
Still hanging on to Hina's hand, he heaved himself onto his other side so he could wrap his remaining arm awkwardly around Hina's waist. They stayed like that, Ryo's face pressed into the side of Hina's thigh, Hina's free hand soothing in Ryo's hair, giving Ryo all the solace he needed, until he felt ready to face the world again.
*
“I never did ask him out for dinner.”
It was much later and Hina had slid off his perch on the edge of the couch to a more comfortable position upon the floor, using the cushioned seat as a backrest instead.
Out of the corner of his eye, Ryo sensed Hina turning his head towards him, but Ryo kept his gaze fixed on the water marks staining the ceiling. He could easily imagine Hina's expresion though - patient, compassionate, unjudging - the way he always was in times like these, lending Ryo a true oasis of calm in which he could finally sort out his messed-up emotions.
Hina waited, like he'd done when Ryo had been told he and Uchi would be debuting without the rest of Kanjani8, when Uchi had been suspended, when NewS' activities had been stopped. He would wait until Ryo was ready to start pouring out his heart.
“I had all these vague ideas of... things... that I might have wanted to do, but I never properly understood what they meant. I didn't even make much of an effort to try.” Ryo's voice cracked a little as the wave of despair that had been his constant companion these past two weeks threatened to engulf him again. “But, even then I felt happy, just... happier than ever before. I... I kept thinking things would always stay like that. I don't know why I was thinking like that, when the only thing that keeps happening is change.”
Ryo drew in a deep breath as he tried again to push away the images of Shige's hurt, frowning face; Yamapi's understanding, sympathetic expression which had just made Ryo feel worse; Yamapi's hand on Shige's forearm as they had left the dressing room; Shige leaning in towards Yamapi so their shoulders were touching as they shared a menu at the restaurant; the lingering gaze they exchanged as unspoken words flowed between them, just before Shige had left.
“I don't know, Hina. I didn't even see what was going on right in front of me. I was so blind... and now I don't know how to face them again. I feel so stupid.” Ryo threw an arm across his eyes, blocking out the glaring fluorescent lights overhead. The confession had left him feeling drained, and even the brightness felt like too much.
Then Hina was gently tugging his arm away with one hand while using his other to turn Ryo's face so their eyes met.
“Do you regret it though?”
“Regret what?” Ryo asked dully.
“These past few months. All this time you've had with Shige,” Ryo felt a jolt, strangely freeing, as Shige's name left Hina's lips, “those moments of happiness - do you regret them?”
Did he? Did he wish that he had never stopped Shige for supper so, so long ago? Would he be spared this torture now if he had never opened his big mouth and volunteered to help Shige back when NewS had resumed their activities? Would his life had been as interesting if he'd never bothered to get to know this new, shining, confident Shige?
He remembered Shige's eyes bright with hope the night of the Countdown; the sweat on Shige's brow and the determination on his face during their extra practices; the smiling admiration when he'd told Ryo how much he'd liked the lyrics to 'Code'.
And it dawned on him that it wasn't a choice - whether he regretted this or not. It was more of an ability, or inability. He could not.
He simply could not, was incapable, of regretting the teasing, the snarky back-and-forths, the late-night phone calls and messages, Shige's hands in his hair, the comforting feel of falling asleep with his head pillowed upon Shige's lap, and so much more.
“No... no, I don't.” I don't, can't, won't regret it.
“Then don't feel stupid.” Hina gave Ryo a tiny grin as he ruffled his hair. “How can feeling happiness ever be stupid?”
After a while, Ryo gave an answering smile in return.
*
Ryo entered his home with a lighter step than he had left with this morning, heading towards his room and throwing himself upon the bed. It had been a long day, but the fatigue and hopelessness plaguing him had finally dissipated, and he felt wide awake.
He dug in his pocket for his phone, finally feeling ready enough to look at the messages he'd been ignoring for days, even though he still had to brace himself before opening his inbox. There were at least ten unread message icons blinking on the screen.
You won't know what to do until you face it, Hina's words floated at the back of his mind, all you have now is what you think you know, and nothing but a whole load of irrational fears.
Starting on the earliest one, which was sent by Yamapi the day after Shokura taping, Ryo scrolled through each and every one. The majority were from Yamapi, with the earlier ones being just regular updates of his activities and random opinions, but as the days went by and Ryo had not replied, the messages had become more concerned. The last one had been short and simple.
Ryo-chan, when you come back, we have to talk.
Shige had sent him only three messages.
I hope you're feeling better, Nishikido-kun. I'd tell you to take it easy, but then, this is you we're talking about :)
Next week is the last week of drama filming. Finally! Now all I have to do is concentrate on being a singing, dancing idol once more.
Nishikido-kun, when you come back, there is something I would like to tell you.
end part 3b
A/N: thanks for reading, comments are always very appreciated :) this is a short part, but it worked better being by itself. the next part will be the last chapter even if it kills me :p
part 3c
Chapter: Part 3b
Written: 051008
Summary: Over time, Ryo deciphers the code of his own feelings. Ryo/Shige. Pi/Shige. WC: 1362.
Fandom: Johnny's Entertainment.
Notes: 'Code' is one of my favouritest JE songs, and it was the reason that changed my initially unfavourable impression of Ryo. Every time I see him perform this song is an experience, and the one on Pacific finally galvanised me to write something for it.
Disclaimer: Is my surname Kitagawa?
prologue + part 1a
part 1b
part 2
part 3a
“Yasu said I'd find you here.” Hina's voice, quiet and concerned for once, roused Ryo from his malaise. He felt the edge of the couch he was curled up upon dip as Hina sat, giving Ryo's shoulder a gentle nudge as he did.
In response, Ryo hunched his shoulders even higher, tucking his head resolutely in his arms. He was in a grand blue funk, and the boisterous rowdiness that was a key Eito feature when all the members got together was something he really didn't want to be near to right now.
The moment dance practice had ended, he'd taken off to the nearest empty dressing room to wallow. He thought he'd heard the door open once a little earlier, but since whoever it was closed it again after a beat, he'd decided to ignore it.
It had been nearly two weeks since the Shokura taping and nine days since he'd practically fled back to Osaka, but because the various members of Kanjani8 had been scheduled for individual work activities, he hadn't seen any of them until today when they had regrouped for dance choreography and practice. Most of them had sensed the thundercloud shrouding him and had prudently given him the space he believed he definitely needed.
But not everyone had taken the hint, as evidenced by Hina's not-exactly-welcome presence against his back.
“Ryo, I know you're awake. Your breathing's different.”
Ryo kept his eyes closed, hoping Hina would give up and leave soon.
“Yamapi gave me a call yesterday.”
Ryo's eyes snapped open.
“He told me a few things, and he wanted me to pass you a message.” Hina's hand was rubbing slow, calming circles to counter the aching tension in Ryo's upper back. “He said to let you know that avoiding him... avoiding the both of them, well, it isn't going to make how you feel go away, nor will it make anyone happy.” Hina had kept quiet after that, merely resting his hand comfortingly on Ryo's shoulder.
Ryo could feel the blood pounding loud in his ears. He let out a a shaky breath he hadn't realised he had been holding. Gradually, his hand crept up to clutch Hina's fingers like a lifeline. The firm grip he received from Hina in return was what finally broke the dam.
Still hanging on to Hina's hand, he heaved himself onto his other side so he could wrap his remaining arm awkwardly around Hina's waist. They stayed like that, Ryo's face pressed into the side of Hina's thigh, Hina's free hand soothing in Ryo's hair, giving Ryo all the solace he needed, until he felt ready to face the world again.
*
“I never did ask him out for dinner.”
It was much later and Hina had slid off his perch on the edge of the couch to a more comfortable position upon the floor, using the cushioned seat as a backrest instead.
Out of the corner of his eye, Ryo sensed Hina turning his head towards him, but Ryo kept his gaze fixed on the water marks staining the ceiling. He could easily imagine Hina's expresion though - patient, compassionate, unjudging - the way he always was in times like these, lending Ryo a true oasis of calm in which he could finally sort out his messed-up emotions.
Hina waited, like he'd done when Ryo had been told he and Uchi would be debuting without the rest of Kanjani8, when Uchi had been suspended, when NewS' activities had been stopped. He would wait until Ryo was ready to start pouring out his heart.
“I had all these vague ideas of... things... that I might have wanted to do, but I never properly understood what they meant. I didn't even make much of an effort to try.” Ryo's voice cracked a little as the wave of despair that had been his constant companion these past two weeks threatened to engulf him again. “But, even then I felt happy, just... happier than ever before. I... I kept thinking things would always stay like that. I don't know why I was thinking like that, when the only thing that keeps happening is change.”
Ryo drew in a deep breath as he tried again to push away the images of Shige's hurt, frowning face; Yamapi's understanding, sympathetic expression which had just made Ryo feel worse; Yamapi's hand on Shige's forearm as they had left the dressing room; Shige leaning in towards Yamapi so their shoulders were touching as they shared a menu at the restaurant; the lingering gaze they exchanged as unspoken words flowed between them, just before Shige had left.
“I don't know, Hina. I didn't even see what was going on right in front of me. I was so blind... and now I don't know how to face them again. I feel so stupid.” Ryo threw an arm across his eyes, blocking out the glaring fluorescent lights overhead. The confession had left him feeling drained, and even the brightness felt like too much.
Then Hina was gently tugging his arm away with one hand while using his other to turn Ryo's face so their eyes met.
“Do you regret it though?”
“Regret what?” Ryo asked dully.
“These past few months. All this time you've had with Shige,” Ryo felt a jolt, strangely freeing, as Shige's name left Hina's lips, “those moments of happiness - do you regret them?”
Did he? Did he wish that he had never stopped Shige for supper so, so long ago? Would he be spared this torture now if he had never opened his big mouth and volunteered to help Shige back when NewS had resumed their activities? Would his life had been as interesting if he'd never bothered to get to know this new, shining, confident Shige?
He remembered Shige's eyes bright with hope the night of the Countdown; the sweat on Shige's brow and the determination on his face during their extra practices; the smiling admiration when he'd told Ryo how much he'd liked the lyrics to 'Code'.
And it dawned on him that it wasn't a choice - whether he regretted this or not. It was more of an ability, or inability. He could not.
He simply could not, was incapable, of regretting the teasing, the snarky back-and-forths, the late-night phone calls and messages, Shige's hands in his hair, the comforting feel of falling asleep with his head pillowed upon Shige's lap, and so much more.
“No... no, I don't.” I don't, can't, won't regret it.
“Then don't feel stupid.” Hina gave Ryo a tiny grin as he ruffled his hair. “How can feeling happiness ever be stupid?”
After a while, Ryo gave an answering smile in return.
*
Ryo entered his home with a lighter step than he had left with this morning, heading towards his room and throwing himself upon the bed. It had been a long day, but the fatigue and hopelessness plaguing him had finally dissipated, and he felt wide awake.
He dug in his pocket for his phone, finally feeling ready enough to look at the messages he'd been ignoring for days, even though he still had to brace himself before opening his inbox. There were at least ten unread message icons blinking on the screen.
You won't know what to do until you face it, Hina's words floated at the back of his mind, all you have now is what you think you know, and nothing but a whole load of irrational fears.
Starting on the earliest one, which was sent by Yamapi the day after Shokura taping, Ryo scrolled through each and every one. The majority were from Yamapi, with the earlier ones being just regular updates of his activities and random opinions, but as the days went by and Ryo had not replied, the messages had become more concerned. The last one had been short and simple.
Ryo-chan, when you come back, we have to talk.
Shige had sent him only three messages.
I hope you're feeling better, Nishikido-kun. I'd tell you to take it easy, but then, this is you we're talking about :)
Next week is the last week of drama filming. Finally! Now all I have to do is concentrate on being a singing, dancing idol once more.
Nishikido-kun, when you come back, there is something I would like to tell you.
end part 3b
A/N: thanks for reading, comments are always very appreciated :) this is a short part, but it worked better being by itself. the next part will be the last chapter even if it kills me :p
part 3c