Revising an old story

[aesmael]

I think the opening paragraph of this story, so far titled "By The Window" needs a lot of work.

Sometimes prospects in person grow thin and it seems necessary to turn to online realms for that freedom of self-disclosure without people taking immediate flight. So it seemed to Lucy, yet still most who found her from her profile were discarded

Comments

[coniferous_you]

Not that you asked, so I hope it's okay to respond, but I think a good idea would be to just rewrite the story first and then worry about the mechanics later. Or maybe even try writing other scenes with Lucy to get a feel for her voice.

I don't think any of what you showed here is bad(but what's that anyway?), but it does seem as though you are reluctant to get into Lucy's head, and figure out her voice.

The same could be said of every first draft ever though, so keep it up! You might have a good story here!