Fic: Where No Shadows Fall 1/1 [G] Discworld/Torchwood
Title: Where No Shadows Fall
Author: A Lanart
Character(s)/pairings: Death, Ianto Jones, Albert, Pusska the cat (from The Sin Eaters audiobook)
Fandom and/or Prompt: Discworld/Torchwood; Death, Ianto ; Tea ; - from idontlikegravy
Rating: G
Spoilers/Warnings: It’s a post Children of Earth fic, but having said that it might just make you smile.
Disclaimer: Anything you recognise does not belong to me. I’m only borrowing.
Title from the song by The Faces of Sarah
Written for consci_fan_mo Day 3
A/N: Much as I love Discworld, I've never written in it before. Behold my first Discworld fic!
~*~
Where No Shadows Fall
*
On the other side of death is darkness - at least that is what Jack had always said - so when Ianto opened his eyes and saw nothing except black, he wasn’t exactly surprised. He’d kind of been hoping for the bright light and meeting up with loved ones - specifically Tosh and Owen and Lisa - but it looked like that was not to be and Ianto couldn’t help but feel slightly cheated; once again Jack had been proven right.
He realised he was lying on something relatively soft, which puzzled him as he’d kind of expected to feel nothing seeing as he was dead, but before he could take stock of his surroundings something landed on his chest with a yowl. It was a furry something, with four feet and claws, which it helpfully inserted into Ianto making him realise that dead or not, he could still feel pain.
“Ouch!” He yelled and grabbed hold of the furry whatever-it-was only to realise that it felt startlingly like a cat. He stroked its head and it responded by purring; definitely a cat. Ianto wriggled a bit so he could get more comfortable, and the cat snuggled up under his chin, purring contentedly while he continued to stroke it. He didn’t hear any footsteps, so the sudden flare of light as a door creaked open was something of a surprise.
“AH,” said a voice, “I SEE PUSSKA HAS FOUND YOU.”
“Pusska?” Ianto fumbled for the tabby cat’s collar, turning it round until he could see the tag; it was indeed Pusska. Ianto wondered if she’d been blown up with the Hub which is why she was with him in whatever strange after-life this happened to be. Ianto turned his head toward the voice but couldn’t make anything out beyond the figure being tall and robed.
“WELCOME TO MY HOME,” said the voice. “WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TEA?”
“Actually I’d prefer coffee,” Ianto said, then realised it was rather impolite of him, dead or not. “Though tea will be fine, thank you.”
“GOOD. I DON’T THINK ALBERT CAN MAKE COFFEE. THIS WAY, PLEASE.” The figure turned and made its way into the corridor beyond the strange black room. Ianto still couldn’t hear any footsteps, but he was more than half convinced he could hear the rattle of old bones. Pusska didn’t seem to find this bothersome in the slightest and leapt off Ianto to follow the figure down the corridor with her tail held high. Ianto decided she was probably setting a good example and followed suit, even if he didn’t have a tail. The strange black room led onto an even stranger black corridor, though there were white motifs of skulls and scythes at varying instances. Ianto began to realise that this wasn’t some weird form of Heaven for goths, but was actually Death’s home - which would account for the height, the robe, the curious method of speaking and the sound of bones when he walked. Ianto jogged to catch up to where Death and the cat were walking side by side down the corridor.
“Er, excuse me sir?” Ianto asked. “You said this was your home. Would you happen to be Death?” The figure turned to face him and Ianto caught sight of 2 points of light deep within the hood. One bony hand was raised, as if being examined.
“IT CERTAINLY APPEARS THAT WAY. WHY? DOES IT DISTRESS YOU?”
“Not exactly, sir. I’m just puzzled.”
“MANY PEOPLE ARE PUZZLED WHEN THEY MEET DEATH. PERHAPS YOU JUST NEED THAT CUP OF TEA? HUMANS ALWAYS SEEM TO NEED TEA WHEN THEY FIND THEMSELVES DISTRESSED.”
Ianto realised he didn’t have an answer to that and decided that at this point, agreement was a good idea.
“You’re probably right,” he said.
*
Later, as he sat in a reassuringly normal kitchen, at a reassuringly normal table (even if they were in shades of black) with his hands wrapped round a bloody good cup of tea, Ianto decided the time had come to gather his courage and ask some questions. The only other apparently human resident he had seen in the place - presumably the aforementioned Albert, who didn’t make coffee - had disappeared somewhere after providing Ianto with the tea, leaving him alone with Death, and a number of cats. Ianto wasn’t sure what to make of the cats.
“YOU HAVE A QUESTION,” said Death.
“Actually, sir, I have several but the one that springs to mind at the moment is how am I drinking tea if I’m dead?”
“IT IS TEA, WHAT ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?”
“But I am dead, yeah?”
“IT ISN’T QUITE THAT SIMPLE.”
“I’m either dead or I’m not. Which is it?”
“YOU DIDN’T QUITE FINISH THE JOURNEY.”
“I… what?”
“YOU ARE DEAD WHERE YOU CAME FROM, BUT WHILE YOU ARE HERE YOU ARE, TO A DEGREE, ALIVE. WHICH MEANS YOU CAN DRINK TEA.”
“Oh.” Ianto found this almost reassuring; if he could drink tea then there was a possibility that he could at least persuade Death to invest in some half-decent coffee. Thinking about coffee made him realise why he’d probably ended up here instead of where most people went, wherever that was. “I have another question,” he said tentatively.
“HUMANS USUALLY DO,” commented Death. “WHAT IS IT?”
“Do you know Jack Harkness?”
“HE VISITS OCCAISIONALLY; LIKES TO PLAY STRIP POKER. HE ALWAYS CHEATS.”
Ianto had to smile, that sounded like Jack right enough though Ianto wondered how Death would play strip poker. He shuddered; it was something he didn’t really want to find out. If Death wanted a game, maybe he’d be happy with scrabble.
“I think I know why I didn’t finish my journey,” he mused.
“YOU ARE WAITING FOR JACK.”
“Looks that way, yeah. I hope you don’t mind.”
“NOT AT ALL. I’M SURE ALBERT WILL APRECIATE THE COMPANY.”
“And you?”
“I AM DEATH, I DO NOT APPRECIATE ANYTHING.”
“You don’t?”
“EXCEPT CATS.”
“Cats?”
“YES. AND CURRY.”
“Oh, if you like curry I should make you my Torchwood special Vindaloo, if I can get hold of all the ingredients.”
“THAT WILL NOT BE A PROBLEM.”
“That’s good to know.” Ianto couldn’t help but do a mental double take for a second; here he was, dead, talking about curry with Death, in Death’s house. It was all a bit surreal; just another day at the office, then. He wondered how long it would be before Jack came by for a ‘visit’ and whether he would notice the passage of time in the interim. He very carefully avoided thinking about whether he would continue his ‘journey’ afterwards or not.
Death shifted in his seat, disturbing a cat or two.
“I ALSO HAVE A QUESTION, IANTO JONES,” he intoned.
“Which is?” Ianto said with a raised eyebrow. He couldn’t think of anything that Death wouldn’t already know.
“DO YOU PLAY MONOPOLY?”
“Well, yes as a matter of fact, but…”
“THAT IS GOOD. I ALSO APPRECIATE MONOPOLY.”
“Really? I’m sorry but…” Ianto couldn’t help himself any longer; he dissolved into fits of laughter. Death was proving a hell of a lot more entertaining that he’d ever imagined - in more ways than one; plus there was the added bonus that he might just get to see Jack again. Ianto decided he actually might like being dead after all…
Author: A Lanart
Character(s)/pairings: Death, Ianto Jones, Albert, Pusska the cat (from The Sin Eaters audiobook)
Fandom and/or Prompt: Discworld/Torchwood; Death, Ianto ; Tea ; - from idontlikegravy
Rating: G
Spoilers/Warnings: It’s a post Children of Earth fic, but having said that it might just make you smile.
Disclaimer: Anything you recognise does not belong to me. I’m only borrowing.
Title from the song by The Faces of Sarah
Written for consci_fan_mo Day 3
A/N: Much as I love Discworld, I've never written in it before. Behold my first Discworld fic!
~*~
Where No Shadows Fall
*
On the other side of death is darkness - at least that is what Jack had always said - so when Ianto opened his eyes and saw nothing except black, he wasn’t exactly surprised. He’d kind of been hoping for the bright light and meeting up with loved ones - specifically Tosh and Owen and Lisa - but it looked like that was not to be and Ianto couldn’t help but feel slightly cheated; once again Jack had been proven right.
He realised he was lying on something relatively soft, which puzzled him as he’d kind of expected to feel nothing seeing as he was dead, but before he could take stock of his surroundings something landed on his chest with a yowl. It was a furry something, with four feet and claws, which it helpfully inserted into Ianto making him realise that dead or not, he could still feel pain.
“Ouch!” He yelled and grabbed hold of the furry whatever-it-was only to realise that it felt startlingly like a cat. He stroked its head and it responded by purring; definitely a cat. Ianto wriggled a bit so he could get more comfortable, and the cat snuggled up under his chin, purring contentedly while he continued to stroke it. He didn’t hear any footsteps, so the sudden flare of light as a door creaked open was something of a surprise.
“AH,” said a voice, “I SEE PUSSKA HAS FOUND YOU.”
“Pusska?” Ianto fumbled for the tabby cat’s collar, turning it round until he could see the tag; it was indeed Pusska. Ianto wondered if she’d been blown up with the Hub which is why she was with him in whatever strange after-life this happened to be. Ianto turned his head toward the voice but couldn’t make anything out beyond the figure being tall and robed.
“WELCOME TO MY HOME,” said the voice. “WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TEA?”
“Actually I’d prefer coffee,” Ianto said, then realised it was rather impolite of him, dead or not. “Though tea will be fine, thank you.”
“GOOD. I DON’T THINK ALBERT CAN MAKE COFFEE. THIS WAY, PLEASE.” The figure turned and made its way into the corridor beyond the strange black room. Ianto still couldn’t hear any footsteps, but he was more than half convinced he could hear the rattle of old bones. Pusska didn’t seem to find this bothersome in the slightest and leapt off Ianto to follow the figure down the corridor with her tail held high. Ianto decided she was probably setting a good example and followed suit, even if he didn’t have a tail. The strange black room led onto an even stranger black corridor, though there were white motifs of skulls and scythes at varying instances. Ianto began to realise that this wasn’t some weird form of Heaven for goths, but was actually Death’s home - which would account for the height, the robe, the curious method of speaking and the sound of bones when he walked. Ianto jogged to catch up to where Death and the cat were walking side by side down the corridor.
“Er, excuse me sir?” Ianto asked. “You said this was your home. Would you happen to be Death?” The figure turned to face him and Ianto caught sight of 2 points of light deep within the hood. One bony hand was raised, as if being examined.
“IT CERTAINLY APPEARS THAT WAY. WHY? DOES IT DISTRESS YOU?”
“Not exactly, sir. I’m just puzzled.”
“MANY PEOPLE ARE PUZZLED WHEN THEY MEET DEATH. PERHAPS YOU JUST NEED THAT CUP OF TEA? HUMANS ALWAYS SEEM TO NEED TEA WHEN THEY FIND THEMSELVES DISTRESSED.”
Ianto realised he didn’t have an answer to that and decided that at this point, agreement was a good idea.
“You’re probably right,” he said.
*
Later, as he sat in a reassuringly normal kitchen, at a reassuringly normal table (even if they were in shades of black) with his hands wrapped round a bloody good cup of tea, Ianto decided the time had come to gather his courage and ask some questions. The only other apparently human resident he had seen in the place - presumably the aforementioned Albert, who didn’t make coffee - had disappeared somewhere after providing Ianto with the tea, leaving him alone with Death, and a number of cats. Ianto wasn’t sure what to make of the cats.
“YOU HAVE A QUESTION,” said Death.
“Actually, sir, I have several but the one that springs to mind at the moment is how am I drinking tea if I’m dead?”
“IT IS TEA, WHAT ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?”
“But I am dead, yeah?”
“IT ISN’T QUITE THAT SIMPLE.”
“I’m either dead or I’m not. Which is it?”
“YOU DIDN’T QUITE FINISH THE JOURNEY.”
“I… what?”
“YOU ARE DEAD WHERE YOU CAME FROM, BUT WHILE YOU ARE HERE YOU ARE, TO A DEGREE, ALIVE. WHICH MEANS YOU CAN DRINK TEA.”
“Oh.” Ianto found this almost reassuring; if he could drink tea then there was a possibility that he could at least persuade Death to invest in some half-decent coffee. Thinking about coffee made him realise why he’d probably ended up here instead of where most people went, wherever that was. “I have another question,” he said tentatively.
“HUMANS USUALLY DO,” commented Death. “WHAT IS IT?”
“Do you know Jack Harkness?”
“HE VISITS OCCAISIONALLY; LIKES TO PLAY STRIP POKER. HE ALWAYS CHEATS.”
Ianto had to smile, that sounded like Jack right enough though Ianto wondered how Death would play strip poker. He shuddered; it was something he didn’t really want to find out. If Death wanted a game, maybe he’d be happy with scrabble.
“I think I know why I didn’t finish my journey,” he mused.
“YOU ARE WAITING FOR JACK.”
“Looks that way, yeah. I hope you don’t mind.”
“NOT AT ALL. I’M SURE ALBERT WILL APRECIATE THE COMPANY.”
“And you?”
“I AM DEATH, I DO NOT APPRECIATE ANYTHING.”
“You don’t?”
“EXCEPT CATS.”
“Cats?”
“YES. AND CURRY.”
“Oh, if you like curry I should make you my Torchwood special Vindaloo, if I can get hold of all the ingredients.”
“THAT WILL NOT BE A PROBLEM.”
“That’s good to know.” Ianto couldn’t help but do a mental double take for a second; here he was, dead, talking about curry with Death, in Death’s house. It was all a bit surreal; just another day at the office, then. He wondered how long it would be before Jack came by for a ‘visit’ and whether he would notice the passage of time in the interim. He very carefully avoided thinking about whether he would continue his ‘journey’ afterwards or not.
Death shifted in his seat, disturbing a cat or two.
“I ALSO HAVE A QUESTION, IANTO JONES,” he intoned.
“Which is?” Ianto said with a raised eyebrow. He couldn’t think of anything that Death wouldn’t already know.
“DO YOU PLAY MONOPOLY?”
“Well, yes as a matter of fact, but…”
“THAT IS GOOD. I ALSO APPRECIATE MONOPOLY.”
“Really? I’m sorry but…” Ianto couldn’t help himself any longer; he dissolved into fits of laughter. Death was proving a hell of a lot more entertaining that he’d ever imagined - in more ways than one; plus there was the added bonus that he might just get to see Jack again. Ianto decided he actually might like being dead after all…