Fic: Together, We are the Oceans (Part 6/14)
Media: Fic
Title: Together, We are the Oceans (Part 6/14)
Author: Aelora
Rating: PG (Eventual R)
Summary: Just when he thinks Blaine is opening up to him, Kurt overhears a conversation and reacts... badly.
Disclaimer: I have no claim to Kurt and Blaine, which is sad. And also rhymes. All similarities to persons or events are purely coincidental (okay, so maybe art is imitating life here, but names have been changed to protect the semi-innocent). This is homage to Celebrity Cruise Lines. Seriously.
A/N: As always, special thanks to my betas, mrs_viola_swamp and dolimir_k. Long chapter is long. Sorry for how late this is, sorry for how long this is -- I thought about breaking it up but all of these sections belong together. And thank you so much, seriously, for all of the lovely comments you've been leaving! I've had a constant smile on my face this week!!
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Kurt can’t sleep that night. He just lays there in bed and stares at the ceiling. And while he fakes sleeping when he hears Finn come in (he went with some of the Warblers to watch “A Christmas Story” in the cinema) because he just doesn’t want to talk, his eyes are widen open as soon as Finn drops into bed and turns out the light. He hates that he had to drop Blaine off at his stateroom, and that Blaine had given him one of his confident smiles that Kurt is beginning to believe isn’t all that confident after all. He can’t imagine it could be-how does one walk around with such a brave front knowing deep inside their own father hates who they are? It’s stupid and silly, and Kurt knows it’s the last thing Blaine wants from him, but he can’t help but feel a fierce surge of protectiveness developing within him.
And maybe he cries a few tears because he knows he’s so fortunate to have his dad and Carole, and even Finn, and he hates that Blaine doesn’t. He’s been going to Blaine with his problems at school, and crying because he was shoved into a few lockers. All this while Blaine has been offering a shoulder to lean on and words of courage, he’d been fighting his own demons. And Kurt is a little bit angry at himself because he’s never asked. He’s just assumed. Sure, maybe Blaine may not have shared with him early on, but he should have asked.
Kurt finally gives up on any attempt to sleep around five-thirty. He quietly gets out of bed and hides himself away in the bathroom to shower and complete his morning routine. Once his uniform is on for the early rehearsal, he makes his way out of the stateroom, closing the door softly behind him, and wanders down the corridor to his parent’s stateroom. His dad’s an earlier riser, so Kurt isn’t too concerned that he might wake him and Carole up when he knocks.
And sure enough, when Burt pulls open the door he’s already dressed in shorts, a t-shirt and a baseball cap, looking surprised to see Kurt. “Hey there, kiddo. Come on in.”
Kurt steps inside, whispering a morning greeting to Carole as his dad shuts the door behind him, and then, just because he’s been thinking about it all night, Kurt turns and wraps his arms around his dad in a tight hug.
“Huh.” Burt grunts before returning the hug and patting Kurt on the back. “Something wrong, Kurt?”
“No.” Kurt pulls back and sniffs. “I just… I wanted to say thank you.”
“For what?”
“Just… “ He glances over his shoulder at Carole, and she’s watching him with such obvious love and concern. And then he looks back at his dad, and the expression mirrored there is ten-fold. “Last night I learned some awful things about Blaine’s parents and I just wanted to say thank you for accepting me for who I am. And that I love you.”
“Oh, honey,” Carole says sadly behind him as his dad pulls him into another hug. “I’m so sorry to hear that.” She joins them and touches the hair at his temple before placing a kiss on his cheek. “Too often I hear about people in the world who have no right to be parents.”
“God, I hate what you kids have to go through,” Burt mutters, hugging Kurt a little more tightly. “The world’s bad enough without bringing it into the family.”
“Is Blaine all right?” Carole asks.
Kurt sighs, pulling back from his dad’s embrace and forcing a half-smile. “Blaine’s always all right. I’m beginning to realize the perfection he projects is his own way of focusing all of the stuff he doesn’t want to deal with into something he can.”
“The poor thing.” His stepmom gives him a smile. “At least he has you.”
Kurt smiles and nods, then tries to adopt a slightly more cheery mood before heading to practice. “Are you going in to port this morning?”
“Mark offered to chaperone for the day, so your dad and I have the day off. I hear the shopping on all of these islands is incredible!” Carole tells him with a laugh as his dad groans. “Do you want to join us?”
“Wes said something in the schedule about Mr. Ramsey arranging some tours for us on the islands. I think today we’re supposed to go snorkeling.”
His stepmother nods as she glances at Burt. “I guess we can all meet up for a quick dinner at the buffet before the show tonight.”
“I’ll see you both then. Have fun shopping!” Kurt kisses her cheek and hugs his dad once more before exiting the room.
Most of the Warblers are already in the theater when Kurt arrives. He immediately finds Blaine and makes his way over to him, returning the brightly offered smile as he approaches.
“Hey there,” Blaine greets. There’s a different sound in Blaine’s tone this morning, something softer, intimate almost, as if meant only for Kurt. It warms him from his head to his toes, and he finds himself standing a little closer than he normally would, just drinking in the scent of Blaine’s cologne and the honeyed color of his eyes.
Sometimes it’s all Kurt can do to not just blurt out “I love you!”
Rehearsal runs smoothly, and the council seems assured their shows will be well received. Even Mr. Price, who has a cup of coffee in his hand and a look on his face that says he may have been up too late partying the night before, seems positive that they’ll be the talk of the Millennium. Still clutching his coffee tightly, he hands tickets out to all of the boys for the day’s excursion.
“Lord Sheffield Tall Ship,” he tails them. “Kind of looks like an old pirate ship. There’ll be snorkeling and BBQ. Try not to make enormous pigs of yourselves, got it? And Jared-no tossing anyone over the ship. I’ll be there and I will be writing you guys up if you get out of hand. Let’s try to behave like civilized children, for once. Be on the dock at ten forty-five to meet up with the Lord Sheffield’s first mate.”
“Hear that?” Blaine asks Kurt with a teasing smile. “Snorkeling. Those riding boots of yours may just drag you under.”
Kurt rolls his eyes playfully. “I’ll have you know that I do, on occasion, get in the water. I even own an array of designer swim trunks, all perfectly coordinated with matching eye and footwear to compliment my complexion.”
Blaine laughs as he reaches out to squeeze Kurt’s hand. “I knew you wouldn’t let me down. Meet you at your stateroom at ten thirty?”
“Definitely.”
“Kurt?” Wes calls out. “Could you come here a second?”
Flashing a parting smile at Blaine, Kurt makes his way over to where Wes, David and Thad are standing at the side of the stage. “Yes?” He tries not convey the nervousness he feels at the council wishing to speak with him. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong…
“We were just talking about our second set list,” David begins. “And we decided to make a small change.”
Kurt raises his brow, wondering what this has to do with him. Oh no! Are they taking his and Blaine’s duet away?
Thad is the one that tells him, “We wondered if you’d be interested in singing lead on Rio?”
Kurt is certain he is gaping at them like a rather unattractive fish. “Wait, really?”
The three council members laugh and Wes places his hand on Kurt’s shoulder. “Yes, really. We think you’d be perfect for it.”
“Oh my god!” Kurt bounces in place as he claps his hands in excitement. “Thank you so much! It’ll be great-I promise!”
“We don’t doubt that.” David smiles. “Congrats, Kurt.”
Bursting with the need to tell someone, he spins around, looking for Blaine. He hadn’t seen him head out of the auditorium yet, so he had to still be around somewhere. Wait until he hears the news! Kurt knows Blaine will be happy for him-they’ve discussed Kurt’s disappointment in not getting a solo for Sectionals more than once. Kurt understands now that his choice for the audition had been inappropriate-he really should have turned to Blaine for advice as opposed to Rachel-but somewhere along the way, he has earned the council’s trust in his ability. And not only is he getting a solo, but it’s for the very song he had suggested. The growing realization that just maybe he’s found a new home with the Warblers comforts him with a feeling of belonging that he has tried to ignore as missing from his life at Dalton.
He heads backstage, peering around the curtains and the stacks of instruments when he finally hears the familiar sound of Blaine’s voice. Smiling, he makes his way toward it but stops short when he hears Nick’s voice.
“You don’t seem to be thinking this through,” he hears the boy say. “Sure, Kurt seems cool and all, but let’s face it, Blaine, you have trouble seeing faults in anybody.”
It’s kind of true, but Kurt doesn’t see what that has to do with him.
“I don’t recall asking for your advice or your opinion, Nick.”
“Yeah, I know. But you’re going to hear it anyway.”
There’s a brief silence, and Kurt holds his breath, hoping and wanting Blaine to leave. There’s something about this conversation, something that tells Kurt maybe he should just turn around and walk away. But he doesn’t. And neither does Blaine.
“I think you need to be a little more objective when it comes to him.”
“Meaning?”
“Seriously, Blaine? You’re the first gay guy he’s had in his life, and there isn’t a person who doesn’t fall for you in one way or another. Do you really think the way he looks at you now is going to mean anything six months down the road?” Nick snorts. “I guarantee the next gay guy he meets will be his new favorite thing in the world, and you’ll be dropped like last season’s fashions.”
Kurt’s hands curl into fists at his sides as anger sweeps through him. How dare Nick make such a baseless accusation when he barely knows Kurt, certainly doesn’t know what he’s feeling, and is probably just speaking out of jealousy as he continues to pretend he’s straight while crushing on Blaine.
“First, if you ever make another crack like that last one again, I’ll make certain you are out of the Warblers.” Kurt loves Blaine so much in that moment, he thinks he might burst. “Second, do you really think I haven’t already thought of this? Yes, you’re right. Somewhere down the road, Kurt may meet someone else and he’ll forget all about me-“
And just like that, Kurt feels his heart shatter. It suddenly all makes sense-Blaine doesn’t want to have a relationship with him because he thinks Kurt has a crush on him just because he’s gay. And that… that hurts more than anything he can possibly imagine.
Unable to hear any more about his apparently false and fleeting feelings for Blaine, Kurt makes his way out of the Celebrity Theater. He wanders blindly until he realizes he doesn’t know where he’s going. Mostly, he just wants to lock himself in his stateroom, curl up on his bed and cry. Dashing at the few tears that do escape, he hurries his way through the ship, ignoring greetings from Flint and Kendrick as he pushes past them in the corridor and fumbles for his passcard. He pushes the door open, and stands there, angry and hurting as it slams shut behind him.
Today is supposed to be special, spending it on the excursion with the Warblers, swimming with Blaine in the Caribbean ocean. But instead today hurts because Blaine doesn’t believe Kurt’s feeling are true. Blaine actually thinks Kurt would just forget about him if another gay boy came along.
Oddly enough, he doesn’t cry. As much as he wants to, as much as his heart hurts and his chest aches, as much as his throat and eyes burn, he doesn’t let it happen. He thinks it’s because he’s angry, too. As confusing as some of the signs Blaine has thrown in his direction have been, there has been flirting. Obvious, flirting. From the moment they met and Blaine sang to him. The theater outings. The dinners. Singing Baby Its Cold Outside together in the common room. Every single time Blaine has held his hand.
And he’s angry because it’s all been an obvious lie. Blaine has led him on time and again, made Kurt fall in love with him, and all the while knowing it was happening. He never said a thing. He never said he wasn’t interested or tor that he thought Kurt just had a crush, and needed to get over it.
And Kurt realizes he’s not so angry at Nick anymore, because he can’t help but wonder if Blaine hadn’t put Nick through the exact same thing. If maybe Blaine hadn’t flirted with him outrageously, made him feel things he never had felt before, and then told him it was all a straight guy crush, and maybe Nick should just forget about him?
Kurt’s disgruntled at the idea of siding with Nick, but right now, he’s so angry and hurt, he’ll grasp at anything that might provide a sense of reason as to why this is happening.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
His dad and Carole don’t question his request to go into port with them and skip out on the boat excursion with the Warblers.
In fact, at least one member of the family is thrilled when Kurt offers his ticket for the excursion to Finn so that he can go snorkeling instead of shopping. It’s a win-win scenario for everyone in the family, it seems, and even though Kurt pretends he’s just as happy with the arrangement as they all are, it takes every ounce of strength he has to not to cry.
If anyone is curious over his change of plans, they don’t say anything. Kurt is hopeful he can make it through the day without dwelling too much on the overheard conversation. If he can survive today, then maybe he can survive tomorrow. And the next. All the while knowing everything he thought Blaine could possibly be feeling for him in return has been a lie.
Kurt’s hopes are dashed, though, as he follows his dad and Carole out of the stateroom to find Blaine approaching. Damn. He had completely forgotten about agreeing to meet him.
“Ready to go?” Blaine asks with a smile.
Kurt glances away. “Actually, I’m going into port to go shopping with my parents. I gave Finn my ticket.”
“Shopping?” Blaine’s smile broadens. “Sounds like fun.”
“You’re welcome to join us, Blaine,” Carole offers so sweetly that at first, Kurt isn’t certain what to do.
And just as it seems Blaine is about to accept, Kurt cuts him off. “I’m sure Blaine would much rather spend the day snorkeling with the Warblers.”
At his words, the look on Blaine’s face is actually painful, and Kurt has to drop his gaze, mentally cursing at himself for even caring what Blaine might be feeling right then. He wants to scream You hurt me, too, but he can’t because his dad and Carole are there, and all of this is already becoming more uncomfortable than he’d intended.
“I--” Blaine still seems taken aback by Kurt’s refusal of his company. Finally, he says quietly, “Kurt’s right. I mean, I don’t get to go snorkeling every day.”
“Give the group my regrets.” Kurt pushes past Blaine to make his way down the corridor.
He doesn’t look back, but he can feel Blaine’s gaze on him all the way to the staircase.
It’s not until they reach the dock and are passing through the gates into the port of Philipsburg, St. Maarten that Carole leans in to ask him what’s wrong. “I really thought you’d want Blaine to join us. Did something happen between you?”
“No.” And nothing ever will. “I just… after what we talked about this morning, I just wanted to spend time with you and Dad.”
He hates lying to her. He wants to tell her everything in the mad hope that she could somehow make it all better, but he really can’t imagine such a thing could be possible. After all, she can’t force Blaine to love him anymore than he can.
“As long as that’s all it is.” Carole hugs his shoulders briefly. “I’m happy to have you along so we can deal with your dad’s moping over shopping together.”
“I’m betting this place doesn’t even have a decent sports store,” Burt mutters as he looks around.
Opening his satchel, Kurt withdraws the map and information sheet on St. Maarten that was provided with the Celebrity Today that morning. “It looks like there are over sixty shops, at least half of them jewelry shops, and none of them deal in sportswear or sports paraphernalia.” His dad grunts at that. “Oh, but you might like this, Dad, “That Yoda Guy” at Planet Paradise-it’s apparently stuff signed by the guy who made Yoda for Star Wars.”
“Well, at least it’s not jewelry…”
Downtown Philipsburg is really just a long street lined with shopping. If Kurt didn’t feel like his entire world was ending, he knew he’d probably be begging his dad to let him move here. He should love every moment they spend moving from one shop to another, glancing through so much designer jewelry that Burt begins making remarks as to how it all had to be fake. He scoffs and shrugs when Kurt shows him price tags ranging into the hundreds of thousands of dollars.
“Shops lie.”
There are bargains as well, and Kurt finally has to force himself away from a pair of gorgeous topaz cufflinks that he knows Blaine would love, and would look perfect with his coloring. Kurt ends up stomping out of the shop, angry at himself for even thinking about Blaine.
He does spend some money in Del Sol, buying a pair of sunglasses that change color in the sunlight for Mercedes and a pair of earrings for Quinn. There’s bright purple nail polish that when exposed to sunlight turns black that he picks up for Tina, some color changing lip gloss for Brittany, a nondescript t-shirt that reads “Diva” in the sunlight for Rachel, and a hair tie for Santana. (He is about to check out when he realizes he should probably get Santana something else because making enemies with Santana is stupid.) He spends the money on the girls because he misses them, and he wishes they were all there right now so he could talk to them about Blaine-and then he’d sit back and watch as Mercedes kicked his ass.
The thought makes him smile. He misses Mercedes so much.
They have lunch in a little café on the waterfront, and Kurt is mostly silent as he picks at his salad and half-sandwich, watching as across from him, Carole and his dad share smiles, and tease one another about their shopping. He enjoys seeing his dad so in love, especially since Carole is so amazing, and obviously loves Burt in return.
It isn’t the first time he’s watched them and found himself wondering if he’ll ever have a chance to be that happy, to have someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with him, to raise a family together, to tease and laugh with. It isn’t the first time he thinks it, but today it hurts a little worse than usual. He has stupidly put so much hope into his feelings for Blaine, convincing himself that maybe this time he’d really and truly have a chance to find out what it feels like to have what everyone else around him gets to have.
It would be so much easier if he could hate Blaine, if he could fuel his anger over the hurt.
They explore the Dutch settlement until late afternoon, and Kurt knows he has to get back to the ship and change for the pre-show rehearsal. They make their way through port security, and then again through security on the ship, passcards in hand, to see the Warblers and Finn had arrived just ahead of them. The group is raucous and loud as they make their way to the elevators, and most of the boys are too red from their day in the sun. Kurt can’t help but think how their complexions will clash with their Dalton uniforms.
Blaine is hanging back, talking with Flint and Galen, and he gives a small smile when their eyes meet, though it’s obviously forced and filled with silent questions. Looking away quickly, Kurt tries not to feel guilty about it. He really had enjoyed spending time with his parents, and even if that hadn’t been his initial intention, he isn’t going to feel bad about it now.
Finn eventually pulls himself away from the other boys and makes his way over to join his family, and he’s a much-welcomed distraction as he tells them all about his day. How there’s a ground swell from the weather up north, and they couldn’t snorkel because the water was all murky, but they swam and they ate barbecued ribs and chicken, and the water was really rough on the way back, and Kendrick threw up on the deck, and Brett threw up over the side, and Finn wasn’t seasick at all. He’d thought the rocking of the boat and the waves that kept crashing over the bow were awesome.
By the time the stepbrothers reach their stateroom, Kurt’s more occupied with Finn’s incessant rambling than any guilt he’d had over hurting Blaine’s feelings.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Kurt doesn’t know why he thought he could hide it.
Halfway through rehearsing Baby Its Cold Outside, he realizes they’ve all stopped singing. Blaine is standing in front of him, brow furrowed with concern. He steps up, putting his hand on Kurt’s arm, and it’s impossible not to flinch. He knows Blaine catches it when the expression on his face grows more worried.
“Kurt, are you all right?” Wes is standing beside them now, and David and Thad have joined them as well.
“Are you not feeling well?” Blaine asks, searching his gaze.
“I’m f-fine.” His voice is unconvincing to his own ears.
“You’re not fine.” David lays his hand on Kurt’s forehead. “This isn’t like you, man. You’re like not into the song at all.”
“You were out of step with the earlier songs, too,” Thad points out.
“Kurt, if you’re not feeling well enough to perform this number, then we need to know,” Wes says quietly. “If this thing isn’t spot on charming from the get-go, it’s going to be a complete disaster. We only put it in because you and Blaine make it work.”
“No.” Kurt looks at each of the council members, specifically avoiding Blaine’s gaze. He’s being stupid, he knows. He loves singing, and he’s finding his place with the Warblers, and the last thing he should be doing is allowing his problems with Blaine to interfere with that. After all, if he lost the Warblers, what would he have left?
“I just have a little headache. I’ll be fine in time for the performance, I promise. The show must go on, right?”
He’ll get through this. He’s done it before. When the memory of Blaine is long gone, Kurt will still have his music. He’d be stupid to give that up.
And so, Kurt puts Blaine from his mind as the lights come up on their first performance of the night. He knows his family is out in the audience watching, and Mr. Ramsey is supposed to be here too, and the Warblers just don’t work if one of them is giving less than his all. So he focuses on the music, and the applause they receive between each number, and he tries not to let it hurt when he watches Blaine out in front during his numbers, smiling and bouncing around the stage, and making everyone in the audience fall completely in love with him.
Why does he have to make it so easy to fall in love him?
When it’s time for Baby Its Cold Outside, Wes announces the song and reintroduces Blaine, and then Kurt, and they step forward together. Kurt knows the only way to make this song work is to stop thinking how much Blaine has hurt him, and focus instead on how he’s still very much in love with Blaine.
As the Warblers begin harmonizing behind them, Blaine does a little dance step toward Kurt, spinning as he nears him and flashing that trademark flirtatious smile.
Kurt looks at him coyly and sings: “I really can't stay-”
“Baby it's cold outside.”
“I've got to go away-“
“Baby it's cold outside.”
“This evening has been-”
“Been hoping that you'd drop in…”
“So very nice-“
“I'll hold your hands,” Blaine sings, moving up and taking Kurt’s hands in his, eyes widening in mock concern as he continues, “ they're just like ice…”
Kurt pulls his hands from his grip and dances away, weaving between the Warblers as he sings. He glances over his shoulder flirtatiously, singing about how much his mother will worry, and his father will be pacing the floor. And Blaine keeps trying, begging just a little bit as he drops momentarily to his knees. And Kurt dances back toward him. “Well maybe just a half a drink more-“
Blaine grins. “Put some music on while I pour…”
The Warblers play with them just like they had in rehearsal, stepping between them as Blaine pursues Kurt, laughing and pointing as he is continually rebuffed. Occasionally, Kurt allows Blaine to catch up with him, and they’ll briefly touch hands, step past one another, bump shoulders, lean in as if they might kiss before he spins and dances away.
“You've really been grand-” Kurt touches Blaine’s hand as he dances past, casting a glance over his shoulder as Blaine trills after him only to realize he’s gone, “I thrill when you touch my hand…”
“But don't you see-“
“How can you do this thing to me?”
Kurt smiles at the exasperation in Blaine’s voice and the desperation in his expression as he follows Kurt back to the center of the stage, still in pursuit. Kurt leans in toward him as if whispering a secret, “There's bound to be talk tomorrow -”
Blaine offers his best pout in response. “Think of my life long sorrow...”
“At least there will be plenty implied-”
“If you caught pneumonia and died!”
Kurt shakes his head sadly. “I really can't stay-“
“Get over that hold out!” Blaine pulls Kurt in front of him, wrapping his arms around his waist and leaning over his shoulder as they sing together:
“Ahh, but it's cold outside!”
The applause is instantaneous. Kurt sees his dad, Carole and Finn jump to their feet, and then others around them begin to do the same. He recognizes the older men from the night before in the front row, also on their feet applauding-the shorter of the two, who kind of reminds Kurt of Santa Claus with his pure white hair and bushy beard, is wiping his eyes. Blaine pulls away from him and takes his hand, and they both take a bow together, and Kurt tries to ignore the brief squeeze Blaine gives to his fingers. They bow once more and turn as rehearsed, stepping back into line with the Warblers as Jeff moves past them for Frosty the Snowman.
“I would have to follow you two,” he mutters at them with a smile.
Eventually the applause dies down, and they continue on with their set. All their songs are well received and the audience really gets into the medley at the end, singing along and clapping. When Steve, the cruise director, appears at the end of their performance, he gets the audience to their feet once more for a last standing ovation. There are hoots and hollers (which Kurt distinctly recognizes as his dad and Finn). The Warblers hurry backstage where the stage manager ushers them through the tunnel along the wall to emerge outside the auditorium to greet the audience as they leave.
Kurt is unable to avoid Blaine who immediately slips in beside him, that charming smile of his present as he thanks each passenger for attending, and for their gracious words. There are a few people who pass by that clearly do their best to avoid eye contact with the both of them, but far more stop and tell them how adorable their song was, and how they’ve never heard a better version.
When the couple from the front row appears, Kurt finds he can only nod mutely as Eddy introduces himself and his husband, Carl, and they shake hands. Eddy says, “I honestly never thought I’d have the chance to see such a thing. Thank you, both of you. You were beautiful up there.”
“Thank you, sir,” Blaine responds as Kurt flushes. He can’t help but stare at the men’s clasped hands as they walk away, and hates that it makes him ache so badly. He wants to be happy for them, he wants to tell them that seeing such a thing gives him hope… but the boy standing beside him is all he wants in the world, and right now it feels like Blaine is a million miles out of reach.
“Date rape song or no,” Burt says as he approaches to pull Kurt into a hug, “You boys knocked that one out of the ballpark!”
“Thanks, Mr. Hummel.” Blaine laughs as Carole comes up and kisses his cheek before turning to Kurt and pulling him away from Burt into her own embrace. “Really, Kurt, Blaine, you were both amazing up there! You made the song so much fun!”
“Yeah, dudes.” Finn agrees with a nod. “It was a lot more awesome than I was expecting.”
“Ah, Finn,” Kurt smiles. “Your back-handed compliments always mean so much to me.”
Finn pulls a face at Kurt’s sarcasm and then shrugs in response.
Carole still has her arms around Kurt, and he finds himself leaning in to her touch. He knows she wants to ask him made him upset all day, but appreciates that she hasn’t. Maybe he’ll tell her tomorrow or the day after, when he can talk about it without bawling and wanting to kick puppies and kittens. For now, he just enjoys her comforting presence. Both her and his dad are smiling at him like he’s discovered the cure for cancer or something.
In fact, he almost forgets that Blaine is there until his friend makes small noise meant to get his attention. “Kurt, we should probably head backstage and get ready for the next show.”
Kurt nods and hugs Carole, accepting more congratulations from his family before he turns and makes his way back into the narrow tunnel. He can feel Blaine following behind, and he speeds up just a little, hoping he can strike up a conversation with one or two of the other Warblers and continue to avoid his friend.
Unfortunately, Blaine seems to sense this. “Hey, Kurt. Wait up.”
Sighing, Kurt stops and waits at the back of the stage.
“Great performance.”
“Yeah.”
Blaine stands there for a second, hands in his pockets as if he’s waiting for Kurt to say something more. He seems to realize that isn’t going to happen, and the familiar look of concern flashes through his eyes. “This morning, umm, it seemed like…” He pauses, as if searching for words. “Like you were trying to avoid me.”
Kurt arches a brow at him. “Oh?”
Blaine actually looks uncomfortable. “Were you?”
Kurt considers saying yes and just getting it over with. And honestly, it’d probably be been nicer than what he does say. “I wanted to spend time with my family, Blaine. Not everything is about you, you know.”
He then flounces off.
Okay, so normally Kurt would shave the head of the first person who accused him of flouncing, but this time he intentionally does it. ‘How do you like that?’ he hopes his action conveys. He doesn’t bother looking back because he knows in his heart that Blaine’s expression would probably kill him, so he makes his way over to where Galen, Byron and Brett are talking, and places himself securely in their circle.
Unfortunately, Kurt’s little attempt at retaliation completely blows up in his face.
When they begin their second show of the night, it’s painfully obvious that Blaine is totally off his mark. He’s out of tune, barely seems able to remember their simple steps and looks as if he’d rather be sitting through a Justin Beiber concert than singing. It ends up throwing them all off, but Kurt is the worst. He hates Blaine for making him say what he said, and he hates himself for saying it. Their performance of Baby Its Cold Outside is positively miserable, and when they get back in line to a smattering of applause, Wes is glaring at them. David is shaking his head, muttering under his breath. Kurt stomps off the stage when he catches Nick staring at him in accusation.
The set seems to drag on endlessly, and when it’s finally, blessedly over, Kurt doesn’t head through the tunnel, doesn’t greet the audience to find out how horrible the performance was. He heads straight off the stage and pushes his way through the crowd to exit the auditorium.
He needs air.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
“Kurt.”
Kurt ignores Blaine’s call and keeps walking toward the aft of deck eleven. It’s cooler than the past two nights have been and the wind is whipping hard across the ship. He wraps his arms around his chest and silently hopes that Blaine will catch a clue and leave him alone.
“Hey!” He hears Blaine jogging up behind him, dashing his hopes, and then there’s a hand on his shoulder, stopping him, turning him around.
“Don’t touch me!” He snaps, jerking back.
Blaine stares at him in silence for a moment. “What’s going on? What was that back there? That wasn’t even you on stage.”
“Maybe singing with the Warblers bores me, ever think of that?” Kurt says irrationally.
Blaine’s staring at him like he’s got horns growing out of his head. He rubs a hand over his face for a moment as if thinking something through. “It’s kind of obvious there’s something wrong, Kurt.”
“Oh, really?” Kurt responds, voice dripping with sarcasm. “Surprised you noticed.”
Blaine sighs. “I’m not even going to pretend to know what that’s supposed to mean any more than I’m going to pretend to know what’s going on with you today. Seriously, Kurt, what’d I do?” He moves up to him, and his voice is slightly pleading. “If you don’t tell me, I can’t make it better.”
It’s the sincerity in Blaine’s tone that sets Kurt off. Because on the surface, Blaine seems so perfect and everything Kurt could have ever dreamed of, and in reality he just isn’t.
“You want to make it ‘better’, Blaine? Why don’t you try not assessing my feelings like you’re some kind of psychoanalyst? Why don’t you give me a little goddamn credit for knowing my own mind and my own heart! Why don’t you stop acting like you’re somehow superior to all of the rest of us and would never in your life make a mistake?”
Blaine holds up his hands and takes a step back, a flicker of irritation flashing across his expression. “Whoa, Kurt. You might want to slow down before you say something you’ll regret.”
“The only thing I regret right now is allowing myself to fall for you!” He’s not yelling, but he’s close. And Blaine’s just standing there, looking like he’s somehow the one who was wronged, which makes Kurt’s anger grow.
He tries not to watch as Blaine looks away for a moment, licking his lips, brow furrowed with apparent confusion. Kurt wants him to just go away instead of pretending he can make this right again.
“I am so lost right now.” Blaine finally brings his gaze back to Kurt. “I thought we were--” He stops himself from whatever it is he was going to say. “Kurt, whatever it is you think I did-“
“I heard you, Blaine!”
And Kurt hates that his voice is trembling as he says it. All he ever seems to do is cry in front of this boy and he can’t, not now.
“I heard you talking to Nick this morning. I heard how I’m just interested in you because you’re gay, and that I’ll just throw myself at the next gay boy who comes along. What hurts the most is that apparently it’s easier for you to just go on breaking my heart than to possibly take a chance on me breaking yours. And, guess what, Blaine? I’m old enough to know my own heart, and I know what a crush feels like, and I know this is so much more than that!”
His hands fist at his sides and he takes a step toward his friend and to hell with it, he might as well get this over with. “I love you, Blaine, and I have since you took my hand on that stairwell and you sang to me, and I didn’t even know you were gay then! And you made me believe that maybe this time things might be different for me. You’ve led me on and made me think that maybe you could feel the same, knowing full well with everything I’ve told you that friends are all I’ve ever been allowed to have, no matter how often I’ve wanted more. I thought--” He takes a deep breath and looks up for a moment, unable to meet Blaine’s gaze anymore because it hurts, it hurts so much.
“I want someone who will hold my hand when we walk down the hallway. I want someone to share secret jokes with that we can whisper into each other’s ears. I want someone to kiss and hold. I want someone to dance with. I want-I want what everyone else seems to be allowed to have-everyone but me-and I wanted that person to be you! If you took just one moment to step out of your self-help books, you’d know this about me.”
Dammit. More tears.
Kurt brushes them away quickly, taking another breath, then breathing out. “I’ve harbored this stupid hope that we would be together. I’ve wanted that so much, and I was willing to wait because a part of me hoped you wanted it, too. I don’t even think you understand what you mean to me-and what you and Nick were saying about what you think I feel? It hurt. You might as well have said ‘I’m sorry, Kurt, but I’m straight’. At least I know how to deal with that.”
There’s silence, and Kurt can’t bring himself to look at Blaine because he feels foolish now; foolish and raw and oh so exposed, and if he could take it all back, he would. He should have just kept quiet, remained silent and heartbroken all on his own, and pretended right along with Blaine that friendship was all they could ever have, and it was fine, dammit, just fine.
“Are you finished?”
And Kurt doesn’t miss the odd undertone of Blaine’s question, like maybe he’s a little angry and maybe he’s a lot frustrated. And what right does he have to feel either of those things? But Kurt just takes a breath and nods once, brushing furiously at the tears that continue to escape.
“So, I can talk now, right?”
Folding his arms across his chest, Kurt doesn’t even dignify that with a response.
Sighing, Blaine moves to sit at the foot of a lounge chair, leaning his elbows on his knees as he gazes up at Kurt. “I take it from your… outburst that you didn’t stick around to listen to the whole conversation? You just stood there until you got mad, and then left.”
“I didn’t want to eavesdrop,” Kurt mutters.
Blaine laughs and covers his face with his hands, and really, Kurt doesn’t think any of this is funny. His friend, who he is in love with, is a complete and utter jerk! He only wishes he’d known sooner.
“God, Kurt, sometimes you just make me want to--” Blaine doesn’t finish the sentence. He just drops his hands and sighs again, and stares at Kurt like he’s trying to figure him out. Finally, he waves a hand toward the chair beside him. “Come here.”
“I don’t want to--”
“Sit.”
Kurt glares at the command but drops onto the chair, still refusing to look at Blaine. He’s aching inside, and he wishes Blaine would just leave him alone so he can cry and get past this.
“If you had stuck around long enough to listen, you would have heard me tell Nick that I don’t care if you do find someone you like better than me-any time spent with you would be worth the hurt of losing you to someone else.”
Kurt flickers a glance in Blaine’s direction. What?
“Kurt.” Blaine reaches out and takes his hand, even though Kurt fights it just a little. “I haven’t been leading you on. I wouldn’t do that. If you think you’ve seen an indication from me that I might return your feelings, it’s because I do.”
And it’s that damn sincerity in his voice that really makes Kurt start listening to what Blaine is saying to him. “From the moment I turned to find you standing there above me on the staircase, you’ve had my heart. Sometimes I can hardly stand the feelings I have for you, they’re so overwhelming. When you look at me the way you do, when you give me that beautiful smile I know is mine alone-I’m never quite certain why my heart doesn’t just implode.”
“I don’t understand.” Kurt pulls his hand back slowly because he’s not ready for this, not ready to believe. “If you’re telling me the truth, why haven’t you done anything? Said anything? Something. A kiss. Whatever.”
“Because I can’t.” Blaine holds his gaze for a long moment before continuing. “You took that choice away from me the moment you told me Karofsky had been your first kiss. I’m not going to do that, Kurt. I’m not going to be yet another guy who just takes from you what you need to be willing to give.”
“But I just told you that I love--”
“That doesn’t change things.” Blaine shakes his head. “In fact, it makes it worse. What? I’m just supposed to say ‘Oh, Kurt loves me. Guess its okay to kiss him now!’? I can’t bring myself to do that to you. And you would question it, Kurt-maybe not immediately, but eventually because that’s who you are. Somewhere between the time we first met and my ridiculous attempt to play mentor to you, you developed this idea of me and of yourself that just isn’t true.”
Blaine reaches over and takes Kurt by the chin, bringing him close. He says quietly, but firmly, “I’m not the strong one, here. And I’m waiting for you to understand that.”
“But I don’t understand.” Kurt hates that his voice trembles a little because, deep down inside, he thinks that he does.
Blaine smiles softly, and he moves his hand from Kurt’s chin to brush the bangs away from his forehead. His touch is so gentle that Kurt can’t help but move in to it a little bit. He can’t begin to describe the feeling sweeping through him that Blaine’s touch invokes. They’ve touched before, held hands, briefly hugged. Mercedes has brushed his hair aside with care and tenderness. But this… this is so much more. The intimacy, in something so simple, is beyond what Kurt ever thought possible. Blaine is touching him because he wants to, because maybe, just like Kurt longs to touch Blaine, it’s all he can think about.
“You’re so used to hearing ‘no,’ Kurt, and ‘stay away’ and dozens of other reprimands that hurt, and scar you deep inside-I know, I do-and they’ve become a part of you, and made you afraid of hearing them again. And this, us, is never going to work until you believe fully and completely.” He cups Kurt’s face between his hands, and holds his gaze says. “I’m never going to tell you no.
“You don’t realize how amazing and wonderful you are, do you? How you make me feel like I can do anything, and I’ve never felt like this with someone before. Daily I have to tell myself to back off, to not smother you, to give you that chance to come back to accepting who you are and what you want, and god, all I want to know is what it feels like to kiss you-“
And Kurt breaks at his words, because he’d given up hope, never thought he would hear such a thing, couldn’t bring himself to believe in it any longer-and Blaine wants to kiss him!
“-To hold your hand and walk down the hall and let everyone know that you’re mine.”
Blaine pauses and his thumbs brush at Kurt’s tears, and Kurt doesn’t care anymore that they’re falling. “You have to be the one to take that first step, Kurt. I can’t. I can’t do that for you. And I think you know that. I think-I could be wrong-but everything about what I know of you leads me to believe that at a different point in your life, it wouldn’t have taken you this long to tell me how you really feel.”
Kurt drops his gaze, and the tears don’t hurt anymore. He’s not sure when it happened-sometime in the last few moments-but the ache is gone and there’s this incredible warmth moving through him… a different kind of ache. A brilliant and amazing and wonderful kind of ache and he’s crying because he’s never felt anything like it before.
“I’m not going anywhere, Kurt,” Blaine whispers. His fingers move through Kurt’s hair and then he’s closer, leaning in to him, his scent surrounding Kurt as his mouth brushes against his ear. And Kurt shudders at the touch, and closes his eyes, and wonders how any of this can possibly be real as Blaine whispers, “If I am what you want and need in your life, all you have to do is tell me.”
At the moment, Kurt is incapable of words. Somehow-and he doesn’t know if he initiated it or Blaine did-but somehow he is in Blaine’s arms, sobbing against his shoulder, and it isn’t even about them anymore. It isn’t about his stupidity for being angry at Blaine for no reason whatsoever, and it isn’t about the fact that Blaine loves him-Blaine loves him! It’s because he has been slowly and methodically burying everything he has ever wanted deep down where no one could touch it, no one could take it away from him, and maybe, just maybe, he could keep himself from thinking about it. It’s because Blaine has given him this marvelous key, and all he has to do is turn it and all of those secrets and longings and wishes and near-dead dreams will be right there.
His to take. His to live.
Kurt doesn’t kiss Blaine that night. He doesn’t have to. There’s no urgency, no desperation to experience what he thought he might never have now.
Eventually, they stretch out on the lounge chair together, and Blaine just holds him. Kurt lies there with his head on Blaine’s chest, and as he listens to the heart beating beneath his ear his tears mostly subside. Every now and then, Blaine tightens his embrace or makes a comment about the thousands of stars visible overhead. At one point he remarks that he has a bruise on his shin Thanks very much, by the way, and Kurt laughs and presses his face against Blaine’s shoulder, closing his eyes and breathing in everything that is Blaine as they fall back in to silence.
When they walk hand in hand back to the staterooms on deck five, and they don’t really say much at all. He feels Blaine give his hand an extra squeeze as he whispers “Goodnight”, and Kurt thinks I love you but he doesn’t say it because he knows he doesn’t have to-Blaine already knows, and everything’s okay.
XXXXXXXXXXXXX
Kurt’s still crying a little when Finn returns to the room.
His stepbrother stares at him in what can only be described as terror, before moving to his side and awkwardly putting his arm around his shoulders. And Kurt doesn’t even know how to explain to Finn that he’s crying because everything he’s ever wanted is right there waiting for him, and he can just reach out and take it. It’s too much. He doesn’t even know how to deal with it. He’s so flooded with emotions and ideas of what can be and what is and what has never been that he doesn’t even know where to begin.
“Do you need me to get your dad or something?” Finn finally asks. And Kurt thinks that has to be the most horrible idea ever at the moment.
“No. No. I just--” Another wave of tears hit, and Kurt buries his face in his hands.
“Ummm.” Finn is making noises of extreme discomfort in front of him. “Did Blaine do something? Did he hurt you? I can totally beat him up if he did.”
And then Kurt is laughing, and shaking his head, falling back on his bed and just dying with laughter because this is seriously the most incredible feeling ever.
“Dude…”
“He loves me!” Kurt laughs and spreads his arms wide above his head as he gazes up at the ceiling. “He loves me, Finn! Blaine loves me and he wants to be with me!”
“Well, that’s… good, right?”
“It’s amazing.” Kurt wipes at the tears on his cheeks and laughs again.
“Yeah, so, ummm… is this like a gay thing, or something? Because you’re totally not making any sense, dude.”
Kurt rolls his eyes and contains his laughter long enough to sit up and flash Finn a ‘did you really just say that’ expression. He closes his eyes as he tries to put into words what he’s feeling so that maybe Finn will understand. Also, he doesn’t need Finn running off to tell his dad that Blaine made Kurt cry. There’s going to be an awkward conversation soon enough with his dad about Blaine anyway, but he just needs some time to get used to all of these new feelings before that occurs.
For now, though, he tries to explain. “Imagine if you were told that you had to stop liking the girl you liked. That your interest was unwanted, that you creeped her out, that you didn’t have the right to like her-“
“Dude, when I said those things--”
“No, let me finish, Finn. This isn’t about what you said to me--” No, wait. That isn’t right. “Okay, so it kind of is about that but it’s all right. I don’t hold it against you. I don’t think you had the right to say the things you did in the manner you did, and honestly, it’s messed with me for quite a while, but, the thing is, it’s okay now.”
He glances over at his stepbrother to see that Finn looks hurt, and wary. Kurt sighs.
“I just want you to try to understand. Like I said, there’s this girl you like-maybe a few girls you like-but you’re told you’re not allowed to like them. You don’t mean anything by it, you just have all of these feelings like any normal teenager but you aren’t allowed to act on them. Some people tell you that you don’t even have the right to feel the way that you do. And one day, you realize you’ve been hearing this for so long that you start trying to bury those feelings. You bury everything because it’s easier to just not feel than to be told you aren’t allowed to. And you pretend that it’s okay and you’re fine, but really it isn’t and you aren’t, and you feel so angry and stifled, and all you can do is wonder why it has to be like this?”
Kurt takes a breath, pausing, when he realizes that Finn is watching him, really watching, the hurt and wariness slowly being replaced by something stricken and painful. Unable to continue with Finn watching him like that, Kurt looks away, but as he speaks, he finds himself smiling again.
“And then one day, the girl of your dreams walks right up to you and she says it’s okay-she knows how you feel about her, and she feels the same way, too, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Your attentions are wanted, and returned, and you don’t have to be alone anymore. You don’t have to wonder why it seems that everyone is deserving of something you aren’t because it just isn’t true. You just had to be patient. She was right there waiting for you the whole time.”
When he’s finished, he turns back to his stepbrother and finds that Finn can’t seem to meet his gaze. His eyes flicker around the room, at everything but Kurt. Finally, he starts to say, “Dude, Kurt, I didn’t realize-“
Finn stands and moves away from the bed, pacing within the small confined space. Kurt watches as dozens of emotions seem to filter through his eyes, and it’s kind of amazing because there’s a level of realization going on in Finn’s head, and Kurt can see it happening. Something more than when Finn sang to Kurt at the wedding, when he apologized for not having his back. Because that had been all about Kurt; it had been confined to everything that had happened between the two of them, acceptance as friends and family. But this isn’t just about Kurt; it’s about Blaine, too, and every other boy or girl who realized they were different, and were constantly told they were wrong and unwanted because of it.
“I’m sorry.” Finn looks wrecked. “I never thought-I didn’t think-everything me and the other guys take for granted is everything you haven’t been allowed to have. I’m so sorry, Kurt, for what I’ve said and how I’ve acted. You’ve got to know that you and Blaine-well, I think it’s awesome. And I’m totally happy for you. And he’s cool. And I wish it all could have happened without everything that’s gone down, ya know?”
Kurt smiles. “Yeah. I know. And thanks, Finn. I think I’m really starting to like having a brother.”
Finn returns the smile. “Yeah. Same here.”
TBC...
Title: Together, We are the Oceans (Part 6/14)
Author: Aelora
Rating: PG (Eventual R)
Summary: Just when he thinks Blaine is opening up to him, Kurt overhears a conversation and reacts... badly.
Disclaimer: I have no claim to Kurt and Blaine, which is sad. And also rhymes. All similarities to persons or events are purely coincidental (okay, so maybe art is imitating life here, but names have been changed to protect the semi-innocent). This is homage to Celebrity Cruise Lines. Seriously.
A/N: As always, special thanks to my betas, mrs_viola_swamp and dolimir_k. Long chapter is long. Sorry for how late this is, sorry for how long this is -- I thought about breaking it up but all of these sections belong together. And thank you so much, seriously, for all of the lovely comments you've been leaving! I've had a constant smile on my face this week!!
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Kurt can’t sleep that night. He just lays there in bed and stares at the ceiling. And while he fakes sleeping when he hears Finn come in (he went with some of the Warblers to watch “A Christmas Story” in the cinema) because he just doesn’t want to talk, his eyes are widen open as soon as Finn drops into bed and turns out the light. He hates that he had to drop Blaine off at his stateroom, and that Blaine had given him one of his confident smiles that Kurt is beginning to believe isn’t all that confident after all. He can’t imagine it could be-how does one walk around with such a brave front knowing deep inside their own father hates who they are? It’s stupid and silly, and Kurt knows it’s the last thing Blaine wants from him, but he can’t help but feel a fierce surge of protectiveness developing within him.
And maybe he cries a few tears because he knows he’s so fortunate to have his dad and Carole, and even Finn, and he hates that Blaine doesn’t. He’s been going to Blaine with his problems at school, and crying because he was shoved into a few lockers. All this while Blaine has been offering a shoulder to lean on and words of courage, he’d been fighting his own demons. And Kurt is a little bit angry at himself because he’s never asked. He’s just assumed. Sure, maybe Blaine may not have shared with him early on, but he should have asked.
Kurt finally gives up on any attempt to sleep around five-thirty. He quietly gets out of bed and hides himself away in the bathroom to shower and complete his morning routine. Once his uniform is on for the early rehearsal, he makes his way out of the stateroom, closing the door softly behind him, and wanders down the corridor to his parent’s stateroom. His dad’s an earlier riser, so Kurt isn’t too concerned that he might wake him and Carole up when he knocks.
And sure enough, when Burt pulls open the door he’s already dressed in shorts, a t-shirt and a baseball cap, looking surprised to see Kurt. “Hey there, kiddo. Come on in.”
Kurt steps inside, whispering a morning greeting to Carole as his dad shuts the door behind him, and then, just because he’s been thinking about it all night, Kurt turns and wraps his arms around his dad in a tight hug.
“Huh.” Burt grunts before returning the hug and patting Kurt on the back. “Something wrong, Kurt?”
“No.” Kurt pulls back and sniffs. “I just… I wanted to say thank you.”
“For what?”
“Just… “ He glances over his shoulder at Carole, and she’s watching him with such obvious love and concern. And then he looks back at his dad, and the expression mirrored there is ten-fold. “Last night I learned some awful things about Blaine’s parents and I just wanted to say thank you for accepting me for who I am. And that I love you.”
“Oh, honey,” Carole says sadly behind him as his dad pulls him into another hug. “I’m so sorry to hear that.” She joins them and touches the hair at his temple before placing a kiss on his cheek. “Too often I hear about people in the world who have no right to be parents.”
“God, I hate what you kids have to go through,” Burt mutters, hugging Kurt a little more tightly. “The world’s bad enough without bringing it into the family.”
“Is Blaine all right?” Carole asks.
Kurt sighs, pulling back from his dad’s embrace and forcing a half-smile. “Blaine’s always all right. I’m beginning to realize the perfection he projects is his own way of focusing all of the stuff he doesn’t want to deal with into something he can.”
“The poor thing.” His stepmom gives him a smile. “At least he has you.”
Kurt smiles and nods, then tries to adopt a slightly more cheery mood before heading to practice. “Are you going in to port this morning?”
“Mark offered to chaperone for the day, so your dad and I have the day off. I hear the shopping on all of these islands is incredible!” Carole tells him with a laugh as his dad groans. “Do you want to join us?”
“Wes said something in the schedule about Mr. Ramsey arranging some tours for us on the islands. I think today we’re supposed to go snorkeling.”
His stepmother nods as she glances at Burt. “I guess we can all meet up for a quick dinner at the buffet before the show tonight.”
“I’ll see you both then. Have fun shopping!” Kurt kisses her cheek and hugs his dad once more before exiting the room.
Most of the Warblers are already in the theater when Kurt arrives. He immediately finds Blaine and makes his way over to him, returning the brightly offered smile as he approaches.
“Hey there,” Blaine greets. There’s a different sound in Blaine’s tone this morning, something softer, intimate almost, as if meant only for Kurt. It warms him from his head to his toes, and he finds himself standing a little closer than he normally would, just drinking in the scent of Blaine’s cologne and the honeyed color of his eyes.
Sometimes it’s all Kurt can do to not just blurt out “I love you!”
Rehearsal runs smoothly, and the council seems assured their shows will be well received. Even Mr. Price, who has a cup of coffee in his hand and a look on his face that says he may have been up too late partying the night before, seems positive that they’ll be the talk of the Millennium. Still clutching his coffee tightly, he hands tickets out to all of the boys for the day’s excursion.
“Lord Sheffield Tall Ship,” he tails them. “Kind of looks like an old pirate ship. There’ll be snorkeling and BBQ. Try not to make enormous pigs of yourselves, got it? And Jared-no tossing anyone over the ship. I’ll be there and I will be writing you guys up if you get out of hand. Let’s try to behave like civilized children, for once. Be on the dock at ten forty-five to meet up with the Lord Sheffield’s first mate.”
“Hear that?” Blaine asks Kurt with a teasing smile. “Snorkeling. Those riding boots of yours may just drag you under.”
Kurt rolls his eyes playfully. “I’ll have you know that I do, on occasion, get in the water. I even own an array of designer swim trunks, all perfectly coordinated with matching eye and footwear to compliment my complexion.”
Blaine laughs as he reaches out to squeeze Kurt’s hand. “I knew you wouldn’t let me down. Meet you at your stateroom at ten thirty?”
“Definitely.”
“Kurt?” Wes calls out. “Could you come here a second?”
Flashing a parting smile at Blaine, Kurt makes his way over to where Wes, David and Thad are standing at the side of the stage. “Yes?” He tries not convey the nervousness he feels at the council wishing to speak with him. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong…
“We were just talking about our second set list,” David begins. “And we decided to make a small change.”
Kurt raises his brow, wondering what this has to do with him. Oh no! Are they taking his and Blaine’s duet away?
Thad is the one that tells him, “We wondered if you’d be interested in singing lead on Rio?”
Kurt is certain he is gaping at them like a rather unattractive fish. “Wait, really?”
The three council members laugh and Wes places his hand on Kurt’s shoulder. “Yes, really. We think you’d be perfect for it.”
“Oh my god!” Kurt bounces in place as he claps his hands in excitement. “Thank you so much! It’ll be great-I promise!”
“We don’t doubt that.” David smiles. “Congrats, Kurt.”
Bursting with the need to tell someone, he spins around, looking for Blaine. He hadn’t seen him head out of the auditorium yet, so he had to still be around somewhere. Wait until he hears the news! Kurt knows Blaine will be happy for him-they’ve discussed Kurt’s disappointment in not getting a solo for Sectionals more than once. Kurt understands now that his choice for the audition had been inappropriate-he really should have turned to Blaine for advice as opposed to Rachel-but somewhere along the way, he has earned the council’s trust in his ability. And not only is he getting a solo, but it’s for the very song he had suggested. The growing realization that just maybe he’s found a new home with the Warblers comforts him with a feeling of belonging that he has tried to ignore as missing from his life at Dalton.
He heads backstage, peering around the curtains and the stacks of instruments when he finally hears the familiar sound of Blaine’s voice. Smiling, he makes his way toward it but stops short when he hears Nick’s voice.
“You don’t seem to be thinking this through,” he hears the boy say. “Sure, Kurt seems cool and all, but let’s face it, Blaine, you have trouble seeing faults in anybody.”
It’s kind of true, but Kurt doesn’t see what that has to do with him.
“I don’t recall asking for your advice or your opinion, Nick.”
“Yeah, I know. But you’re going to hear it anyway.”
There’s a brief silence, and Kurt holds his breath, hoping and wanting Blaine to leave. There’s something about this conversation, something that tells Kurt maybe he should just turn around and walk away. But he doesn’t. And neither does Blaine.
“I think you need to be a little more objective when it comes to him.”
“Meaning?”
“Seriously, Blaine? You’re the first gay guy he’s had in his life, and there isn’t a person who doesn’t fall for you in one way or another. Do you really think the way he looks at you now is going to mean anything six months down the road?” Nick snorts. “I guarantee the next gay guy he meets will be his new favorite thing in the world, and you’ll be dropped like last season’s fashions.”
Kurt’s hands curl into fists at his sides as anger sweeps through him. How dare Nick make such a baseless accusation when he barely knows Kurt, certainly doesn’t know what he’s feeling, and is probably just speaking out of jealousy as he continues to pretend he’s straight while crushing on Blaine.
“First, if you ever make another crack like that last one again, I’ll make certain you are out of the Warblers.” Kurt loves Blaine so much in that moment, he thinks he might burst. “Second, do you really think I haven’t already thought of this? Yes, you’re right. Somewhere down the road, Kurt may meet someone else and he’ll forget all about me-“
And just like that, Kurt feels his heart shatter. It suddenly all makes sense-Blaine doesn’t want to have a relationship with him because he thinks Kurt has a crush on him just because he’s gay. And that… that hurts more than anything he can possibly imagine.
Unable to hear any more about his apparently false and fleeting feelings for Blaine, Kurt makes his way out of the Celebrity Theater. He wanders blindly until he realizes he doesn’t know where he’s going. Mostly, he just wants to lock himself in his stateroom, curl up on his bed and cry. Dashing at the few tears that do escape, he hurries his way through the ship, ignoring greetings from Flint and Kendrick as he pushes past them in the corridor and fumbles for his passcard. He pushes the door open, and stands there, angry and hurting as it slams shut behind him.
Today is supposed to be special, spending it on the excursion with the Warblers, swimming with Blaine in the Caribbean ocean. But instead today hurts because Blaine doesn’t believe Kurt’s feeling are true. Blaine actually thinks Kurt would just forget about him if another gay boy came along.
Oddly enough, he doesn’t cry. As much as he wants to, as much as his heart hurts and his chest aches, as much as his throat and eyes burn, he doesn’t let it happen. He thinks it’s because he’s angry, too. As confusing as some of the signs Blaine has thrown in his direction have been, there has been flirting. Obvious, flirting. From the moment they met and Blaine sang to him. The theater outings. The dinners. Singing Baby Its Cold Outside together in the common room. Every single time Blaine has held his hand.
And he’s angry because it’s all been an obvious lie. Blaine has led him on time and again, made Kurt fall in love with him, and all the while knowing it was happening. He never said a thing. He never said he wasn’t interested or tor that he thought Kurt just had a crush, and needed to get over it.
And Kurt realizes he’s not so angry at Nick anymore, because he can’t help but wonder if Blaine hadn’t put Nick through the exact same thing. If maybe Blaine hadn’t flirted with him outrageously, made him feel things he never had felt before, and then told him it was all a straight guy crush, and maybe Nick should just forget about him?
Kurt’s disgruntled at the idea of siding with Nick, but right now, he’s so angry and hurt, he’ll grasp at anything that might provide a sense of reason as to why this is happening.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
His dad and Carole don’t question his request to go into port with them and skip out on the boat excursion with the Warblers.
In fact, at least one member of the family is thrilled when Kurt offers his ticket for the excursion to Finn so that he can go snorkeling instead of shopping. It’s a win-win scenario for everyone in the family, it seems, and even though Kurt pretends he’s just as happy with the arrangement as they all are, it takes every ounce of strength he has to not to cry.
If anyone is curious over his change of plans, they don’t say anything. Kurt is hopeful he can make it through the day without dwelling too much on the overheard conversation. If he can survive today, then maybe he can survive tomorrow. And the next. All the while knowing everything he thought Blaine could possibly be feeling for him in return has been a lie.
Kurt’s hopes are dashed, though, as he follows his dad and Carole out of the stateroom to find Blaine approaching. Damn. He had completely forgotten about agreeing to meet him.
“Ready to go?” Blaine asks with a smile.
Kurt glances away. “Actually, I’m going into port to go shopping with my parents. I gave Finn my ticket.”
“Shopping?” Blaine’s smile broadens. “Sounds like fun.”
“You’re welcome to join us, Blaine,” Carole offers so sweetly that at first, Kurt isn’t certain what to do.
And just as it seems Blaine is about to accept, Kurt cuts him off. “I’m sure Blaine would much rather spend the day snorkeling with the Warblers.”
At his words, the look on Blaine’s face is actually painful, and Kurt has to drop his gaze, mentally cursing at himself for even caring what Blaine might be feeling right then. He wants to scream You hurt me, too, but he can’t because his dad and Carole are there, and all of this is already becoming more uncomfortable than he’d intended.
“I--” Blaine still seems taken aback by Kurt’s refusal of his company. Finally, he says quietly, “Kurt’s right. I mean, I don’t get to go snorkeling every day.”
“Give the group my regrets.” Kurt pushes past Blaine to make his way down the corridor.
He doesn’t look back, but he can feel Blaine’s gaze on him all the way to the staircase.
It’s not until they reach the dock and are passing through the gates into the port of Philipsburg, St. Maarten that Carole leans in to ask him what’s wrong. “I really thought you’d want Blaine to join us. Did something happen between you?”
“No.” And nothing ever will. “I just… after what we talked about this morning, I just wanted to spend time with you and Dad.”
He hates lying to her. He wants to tell her everything in the mad hope that she could somehow make it all better, but he really can’t imagine such a thing could be possible. After all, she can’t force Blaine to love him anymore than he can.
“As long as that’s all it is.” Carole hugs his shoulders briefly. “I’m happy to have you along so we can deal with your dad’s moping over shopping together.”
“I’m betting this place doesn’t even have a decent sports store,” Burt mutters as he looks around.
Opening his satchel, Kurt withdraws the map and information sheet on St. Maarten that was provided with the Celebrity Today that morning. “It looks like there are over sixty shops, at least half of them jewelry shops, and none of them deal in sportswear or sports paraphernalia.” His dad grunts at that. “Oh, but you might like this, Dad, “That Yoda Guy” at Planet Paradise-it’s apparently stuff signed by the guy who made Yoda for Star Wars.”
“Well, at least it’s not jewelry…”
Downtown Philipsburg is really just a long street lined with shopping. If Kurt didn’t feel like his entire world was ending, he knew he’d probably be begging his dad to let him move here. He should love every moment they spend moving from one shop to another, glancing through so much designer jewelry that Burt begins making remarks as to how it all had to be fake. He scoffs and shrugs when Kurt shows him price tags ranging into the hundreds of thousands of dollars.
“Shops lie.”
There are bargains as well, and Kurt finally has to force himself away from a pair of gorgeous topaz cufflinks that he knows Blaine would love, and would look perfect with his coloring. Kurt ends up stomping out of the shop, angry at himself for even thinking about Blaine.
He does spend some money in Del Sol, buying a pair of sunglasses that change color in the sunlight for Mercedes and a pair of earrings for Quinn. There’s bright purple nail polish that when exposed to sunlight turns black that he picks up for Tina, some color changing lip gloss for Brittany, a nondescript t-shirt that reads “Diva” in the sunlight for Rachel, and a hair tie for Santana. (He is about to check out when he realizes he should probably get Santana something else because making enemies with Santana is stupid.) He spends the money on the girls because he misses them, and he wishes they were all there right now so he could talk to them about Blaine-and then he’d sit back and watch as Mercedes kicked his ass.
The thought makes him smile. He misses Mercedes so much.
They have lunch in a little café on the waterfront, and Kurt is mostly silent as he picks at his salad and half-sandwich, watching as across from him, Carole and his dad share smiles, and tease one another about their shopping. He enjoys seeing his dad so in love, especially since Carole is so amazing, and obviously loves Burt in return.
It isn’t the first time he’s watched them and found himself wondering if he’ll ever have a chance to be that happy, to have someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with him, to raise a family together, to tease and laugh with. It isn’t the first time he thinks it, but today it hurts a little worse than usual. He has stupidly put so much hope into his feelings for Blaine, convincing himself that maybe this time he’d really and truly have a chance to find out what it feels like to have what everyone else around him gets to have.
It would be so much easier if he could hate Blaine, if he could fuel his anger over the hurt.
They explore the Dutch settlement until late afternoon, and Kurt knows he has to get back to the ship and change for the pre-show rehearsal. They make their way through port security, and then again through security on the ship, passcards in hand, to see the Warblers and Finn had arrived just ahead of them. The group is raucous and loud as they make their way to the elevators, and most of the boys are too red from their day in the sun. Kurt can’t help but think how their complexions will clash with their Dalton uniforms.
Blaine is hanging back, talking with Flint and Galen, and he gives a small smile when their eyes meet, though it’s obviously forced and filled with silent questions. Looking away quickly, Kurt tries not to feel guilty about it. He really had enjoyed spending time with his parents, and even if that hadn’t been his initial intention, he isn’t going to feel bad about it now.
Finn eventually pulls himself away from the other boys and makes his way over to join his family, and he’s a much-welcomed distraction as he tells them all about his day. How there’s a ground swell from the weather up north, and they couldn’t snorkel because the water was all murky, but they swam and they ate barbecued ribs and chicken, and the water was really rough on the way back, and Kendrick threw up on the deck, and Brett threw up over the side, and Finn wasn’t seasick at all. He’d thought the rocking of the boat and the waves that kept crashing over the bow were awesome.
By the time the stepbrothers reach their stateroom, Kurt’s more occupied with Finn’s incessant rambling than any guilt he’d had over hurting Blaine’s feelings.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Kurt doesn’t know why he thought he could hide it.
Halfway through rehearsing Baby Its Cold Outside, he realizes they’ve all stopped singing. Blaine is standing in front of him, brow furrowed with concern. He steps up, putting his hand on Kurt’s arm, and it’s impossible not to flinch. He knows Blaine catches it when the expression on his face grows more worried.
“Kurt, are you all right?” Wes is standing beside them now, and David and Thad have joined them as well.
“Are you not feeling well?” Blaine asks, searching his gaze.
“I’m f-fine.” His voice is unconvincing to his own ears.
“You’re not fine.” David lays his hand on Kurt’s forehead. “This isn’t like you, man. You’re like not into the song at all.”
“You were out of step with the earlier songs, too,” Thad points out.
“Kurt, if you’re not feeling well enough to perform this number, then we need to know,” Wes says quietly. “If this thing isn’t spot on charming from the get-go, it’s going to be a complete disaster. We only put it in because you and Blaine make it work.”
“No.” Kurt looks at each of the council members, specifically avoiding Blaine’s gaze. He’s being stupid, he knows. He loves singing, and he’s finding his place with the Warblers, and the last thing he should be doing is allowing his problems with Blaine to interfere with that. After all, if he lost the Warblers, what would he have left?
“I just have a little headache. I’ll be fine in time for the performance, I promise. The show must go on, right?”
He’ll get through this. He’s done it before. When the memory of Blaine is long gone, Kurt will still have his music. He’d be stupid to give that up.
And so, Kurt puts Blaine from his mind as the lights come up on their first performance of the night. He knows his family is out in the audience watching, and Mr. Ramsey is supposed to be here too, and the Warblers just don’t work if one of them is giving less than his all. So he focuses on the music, and the applause they receive between each number, and he tries not to let it hurt when he watches Blaine out in front during his numbers, smiling and bouncing around the stage, and making everyone in the audience fall completely in love with him.
Why does he have to make it so easy to fall in love him?
When it’s time for Baby Its Cold Outside, Wes announces the song and reintroduces Blaine, and then Kurt, and they step forward together. Kurt knows the only way to make this song work is to stop thinking how much Blaine has hurt him, and focus instead on how he’s still very much in love with Blaine.
As the Warblers begin harmonizing behind them, Blaine does a little dance step toward Kurt, spinning as he nears him and flashing that trademark flirtatious smile.
Kurt looks at him coyly and sings: “I really can't stay-”
“Baby it's cold outside.”
“I've got to go away-“
“Baby it's cold outside.”
“This evening has been-”
“Been hoping that you'd drop in…”
“So very nice-“
“I'll hold your hands,” Blaine sings, moving up and taking Kurt’s hands in his, eyes widening in mock concern as he continues, “ they're just like ice…”
Kurt pulls his hands from his grip and dances away, weaving between the Warblers as he sings. He glances over his shoulder flirtatiously, singing about how much his mother will worry, and his father will be pacing the floor. And Blaine keeps trying, begging just a little bit as he drops momentarily to his knees. And Kurt dances back toward him. “Well maybe just a half a drink more-“
Blaine grins. “Put some music on while I pour…”
The Warblers play with them just like they had in rehearsal, stepping between them as Blaine pursues Kurt, laughing and pointing as he is continually rebuffed. Occasionally, Kurt allows Blaine to catch up with him, and they’ll briefly touch hands, step past one another, bump shoulders, lean in as if they might kiss before he spins and dances away.
“You've really been grand-” Kurt touches Blaine’s hand as he dances past, casting a glance over his shoulder as Blaine trills after him only to realize he’s gone, “I thrill when you touch my hand…”
“But don't you see-“
“How can you do this thing to me?”
Kurt smiles at the exasperation in Blaine’s voice and the desperation in his expression as he follows Kurt back to the center of the stage, still in pursuit. Kurt leans in toward him as if whispering a secret, “There's bound to be talk tomorrow -”
Blaine offers his best pout in response. “Think of my life long sorrow...”
“At least there will be plenty implied-”
“If you caught pneumonia and died!”
Kurt shakes his head sadly. “I really can't stay-“
“Get over that hold out!” Blaine pulls Kurt in front of him, wrapping his arms around his waist and leaning over his shoulder as they sing together:
“Ahh, but it's cold outside!”
The applause is instantaneous. Kurt sees his dad, Carole and Finn jump to their feet, and then others around them begin to do the same. He recognizes the older men from the night before in the front row, also on their feet applauding-the shorter of the two, who kind of reminds Kurt of Santa Claus with his pure white hair and bushy beard, is wiping his eyes. Blaine pulls away from him and takes his hand, and they both take a bow together, and Kurt tries to ignore the brief squeeze Blaine gives to his fingers. They bow once more and turn as rehearsed, stepping back into line with the Warblers as Jeff moves past them for Frosty the Snowman.
“I would have to follow you two,” he mutters at them with a smile.
Eventually the applause dies down, and they continue on with their set. All their songs are well received and the audience really gets into the medley at the end, singing along and clapping. When Steve, the cruise director, appears at the end of their performance, he gets the audience to their feet once more for a last standing ovation. There are hoots and hollers (which Kurt distinctly recognizes as his dad and Finn). The Warblers hurry backstage where the stage manager ushers them through the tunnel along the wall to emerge outside the auditorium to greet the audience as they leave.
Kurt is unable to avoid Blaine who immediately slips in beside him, that charming smile of his present as he thanks each passenger for attending, and for their gracious words. There are a few people who pass by that clearly do their best to avoid eye contact with the both of them, but far more stop and tell them how adorable their song was, and how they’ve never heard a better version.
When the couple from the front row appears, Kurt finds he can only nod mutely as Eddy introduces himself and his husband, Carl, and they shake hands. Eddy says, “I honestly never thought I’d have the chance to see such a thing. Thank you, both of you. You were beautiful up there.”
“Thank you, sir,” Blaine responds as Kurt flushes. He can’t help but stare at the men’s clasped hands as they walk away, and hates that it makes him ache so badly. He wants to be happy for them, he wants to tell them that seeing such a thing gives him hope… but the boy standing beside him is all he wants in the world, and right now it feels like Blaine is a million miles out of reach.
“Date rape song or no,” Burt says as he approaches to pull Kurt into a hug, “You boys knocked that one out of the ballpark!”
“Thanks, Mr. Hummel.” Blaine laughs as Carole comes up and kisses his cheek before turning to Kurt and pulling him away from Burt into her own embrace. “Really, Kurt, Blaine, you were both amazing up there! You made the song so much fun!”
“Yeah, dudes.” Finn agrees with a nod. “It was a lot more awesome than I was expecting.”
“Ah, Finn,” Kurt smiles. “Your back-handed compliments always mean so much to me.”
Finn pulls a face at Kurt’s sarcasm and then shrugs in response.
Carole still has her arms around Kurt, and he finds himself leaning in to her touch. He knows she wants to ask him made him upset all day, but appreciates that she hasn’t. Maybe he’ll tell her tomorrow or the day after, when he can talk about it without bawling and wanting to kick puppies and kittens. For now, he just enjoys her comforting presence. Both her and his dad are smiling at him like he’s discovered the cure for cancer or something.
In fact, he almost forgets that Blaine is there until his friend makes small noise meant to get his attention. “Kurt, we should probably head backstage and get ready for the next show.”
Kurt nods and hugs Carole, accepting more congratulations from his family before he turns and makes his way back into the narrow tunnel. He can feel Blaine following behind, and he speeds up just a little, hoping he can strike up a conversation with one or two of the other Warblers and continue to avoid his friend.
Unfortunately, Blaine seems to sense this. “Hey, Kurt. Wait up.”
Sighing, Kurt stops and waits at the back of the stage.
“Great performance.”
“Yeah.”
Blaine stands there for a second, hands in his pockets as if he’s waiting for Kurt to say something more. He seems to realize that isn’t going to happen, and the familiar look of concern flashes through his eyes. “This morning, umm, it seemed like…” He pauses, as if searching for words. “Like you were trying to avoid me.”
Kurt arches a brow at him. “Oh?”
Blaine actually looks uncomfortable. “Were you?”
Kurt considers saying yes and just getting it over with. And honestly, it’d probably be been nicer than what he does say. “I wanted to spend time with my family, Blaine. Not everything is about you, you know.”
He then flounces off.
Okay, so normally Kurt would shave the head of the first person who accused him of flouncing, but this time he intentionally does it. ‘How do you like that?’ he hopes his action conveys. He doesn’t bother looking back because he knows in his heart that Blaine’s expression would probably kill him, so he makes his way over to where Galen, Byron and Brett are talking, and places himself securely in their circle.
Unfortunately, Kurt’s little attempt at retaliation completely blows up in his face.
When they begin their second show of the night, it’s painfully obvious that Blaine is totally off his mark. He’s out of tune, barely seems able to remember their simple steps and looks as if he’d rather be sitting through a Justin Beiber concert than singing. It ends up throwing them all off, but Kurt is the worst. He hates Blaine for making him say what he said, and he hates himself for saying it. Their performance of Baby Its Cold Outside is positively miserable, and when they get back in line to a smattering of applause, Wes is glaring at them. David is shaking his head, muttering under his breath. Kurt stomps off the stage when he catches Nick staring at him in accusation.
The set seems to drag on endlessly, and when it’s finally, blessedly over, Kurt doesn’t head through the tunnel, doesn’t greet the audience to find out how horrible the performance was. He heads straight off the stage and pushes his way through the crowd to exit the auditorium.
He needs air.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
“Kurt.”
Kurt ignores Blaine’s call and keeps walking toward the aft of deck eleven. It’s cooler than the past two nights have been and the wind is whipping hard across the ship. He wraps his arms around his chest and silently hopes that Blaine will catch a clue and leave him alone.
“Hey!” He hears Blaine jogging up behind him, dashing his hopes, and then there’s a hand on his shoulder, stopping him, turning him around.
“Don’t touch me!” He snaps, jerking back.
Blaine stares at him in silence for a moment. “What’s going on? What was that back there? That wasn’t even you on stage.”
“Maybe singing with the Warblers bores me, ever think of that?” Kurt says irrationally.
Blaine’s staring at him like he’s got horns growing out of his head. He rubs a hand over his face for a moment as if thinking something through. “It’s kind of obvious there’s something wrong, Kurt.”
“Oh, really?” Kurt responds, voice dripping with sarcasm. “Surprised you noticed.”
Blaine sighs. “I’m not even going to pretend to know what that’s supposed to mean any more than I’m going to pretend to know what’s going on with you today. Seriously, Kurt, what’d I do?” He moves up to him, and his voice is slightly pleading. “If you don’t tell me, I can’t make it better.”
It’s the sincerity in Blaine’s tone that sets Kurt off. Because on the surface, Blaine seems so perfect and everything Kurt could have ever dreamed of, and in reality he just isn’t.
“You want to make it ‘better’, Blaine? Why don’t you try not assessing my feelings like you’re some kind of psychoanalyst? Why don’t you give me a little goddamn credit for knowing my own mind and my own heart! Why don’t you stop acting like you’re somehow superior to all of the rest of us and would never in your life make a mistake?”
Blaine holds up his hands and takes a step back, a flicker of irritation flashing across his expression. “Whoa, Kurt. You might want to slow down before you say something you’ll regret.”
“The only thing I regret right now is allowing myself to fall for you!” He’s not yelling, but he’s close. And Blaine’s just standing there, looking like he’s somehow the one who was wronged, which makes Kurt’s anger grow.
He tries not to watch as Blaine looks away for a moment, licking his lips, brow furrowed with apparent confusion. Kurt wants him to just go away instead of pretending he can make this right again.
“I am so lost right now.” Blaine finally brings his gaze back to Kurt. “I thought we were--” He stops himself from whatever it is he was going to say. “Kurt, whatever it is you think I did-“
“I heard you, Blaine!”
And Kurt hates that his voice is trembling as he says it. All he ever seems to do is cry in front of this boy and he can’t, not now.
“I heard you talking to Nick this morning. I heard how I’m just interested in you because you’re gay, and that I’ll just throw myself at the next gay boy who comes along. What hurts the most is that apparently it’s easier for you to just go on breaking my heart than to possibly take a chance on me breaking yours. And, guess what, Blaine? I’m old enough to know my own heart, and I know what a crush feels like, and I know this is so much more than that!”
His hands fist at his sides and he takes a step toward his friend and to hell with it, he might as well get this over with. “I love you, Blaine, and I have since you took my hand on that stairwell and you sang to me, and I didn’t even know you were gay then! And you made me believe that maybe this time things might be different for me. You’ve led me on and made me think that maybe you could feel the same, knowing full well with everything I’ve told you that friends are all I’ve ever been allowed to have, no matter how often I’ve wanted more. I thought--” He takes a deep breath and looks up for a moment, unable to meet Blaine’s gaze anymore because it hurts, it hurts so much.
“I want someone who will hold my hand when we walk down the hallway. I want someone to share secret jokes with that we can whisper into each other’s ears. I want someone to kiss and hold. I want someone to dance with. I want-I want what everyone else seems to be allowed to have-everyone but me-and I wanted that person to be you! If you took just one moment to step out of your self-help books, you’d know this about me.”
Dammit. More tears.
Kurt brushes them away quickly, taking another breath, then breathing out. “I’ve harbored this stupid hope that we would be together. I’ve wanted that so much, and I was willing to wait because a part of me hoped you wanted it, too. I don’t even think you understand what you mean to me-and what you and Nick were saying about what you think I feel? It hurt. You might as well have said ‘I’m sorry, Kurt, but I’m straight’. At least I know how to deal with that.”
There’s silence, and Kurt can’t bring himself to look at Blaine because he feels foolish now; foolish and raw and oh so exposed, and if he could take it all back, he would. He should have just kept quiet, remained silent and heartbroken all on his own, and pretended right along with Blaine that friendship was all they could ever have, and it was fine, dammit, just fine.
“Are you finished?”
And Kurt doesn’t miss the odd undertone of Blaine’s question, like maybe he’s a little angry and maybe he’s a lot frustrated. And what right does he have to feel either of those things? But Kurt just takes a breath and nods once, brushing furiously at the tears that continue to escape.
“So, I can talk now, right?”
Folding his arms across his chest, Kurt doesn’t even dignify that with a response.
Sighing, Blaine moves to sit at the foot of a lounge chair, leaning his elbows on his knees as he gazes up at Kurt. “I take it from your… outburst that you didn’t stick around to listen to the whole conversation? You just stood there until you got mad, and then left.”
“I didn’t want to eavesdrop,” Kurt mutters.
Blaine laughs and covers his face with his hands, and really, Kurt doesn’t think any of this is funny. His friend, who he is in love with, is a complete and utter jerk! He only wishes he’d known sooner.
“God, Kurt, sometimes you just make me want to--” Blaine doesn’t finish the sentence. He just drops his hands and sighs again, and stares at Kurt like he’s trying to figure him out. Finally, he waves a hand toward the chair beside him. “Come here.”
“I don’t want to--”
“Sit.”
Kurt glares at the command but drops onto the chair, still refusing to look at Blaine. He’s aching inside, and he wishes Blaine would just leave him alone so he can cry and get past this.
“If you had stuck around long enough to listen, you would have heard me tell Nick that I don’t care if you do find someone you like better than me-any time spent with you would be worth the hurt of losing you to someone else.”
Kurt flickers a glance in Blaine’s direction. What?
“Kurt.” Blaine reaches out and takes his hand, even though Kurt fights it just a little. “I haven’t been leading you on. I wouldn’t do that. If you think you’ve seen an indication from me that I might return your feelings, it’s because I do.”
And it’s that damn sincerity in his voice that really makes Kurt start listening to what Blaine is saying to him. “From the moment I turned to find you standing there above me on the staircase, you’ve had my heart. Sometimes I can hardly stand the feelings I have for you, they’re so overwhelming. When you look at me the way you do, when you give me that beautiful smile I know is mine alone-I’m never quite certain why my heart doesn’t just implode.”
“I don’t understand.” Kurt pulls his hand back slowly because he’s not ready for this, not ready to believe. “If you’re telling me the truth, why haven’t you done anything? Said anything? Something. A kiss. Whatever.”
“Because I can’t.” Blaine holds his gaze for a long moment before continuing. “You took that choice away from me the moment you told me Karofsky had been your first kiss. I’m not going to do that, Kurt. I’m not going to be yet another guy who just takes from you what you need to be willing to give.”
“But I just told you that I love--”
“That doesn’t change things.” Blaine shakes his head. “In fact, it makes it worse. What? I’m just supposed to say ‘Oh, Kurt loves me. Guess its okay to kiss him now!’? I can’t bring myself to do that to you. And you would question it, Kurt-maybe not immediately, but eventually because that’s who you are. Somewhere between the time we first met and my ridiculous attempt to play mentor to you, you developed this idea of me and of yourself that just isn’t true.”
Blaine reaches over and takes Kurt by the chin, bringing him close. He says quietly, but firmly, “I’m not the strong one, here. And I’m waiting for you to understand that.”
“But I don’t understand.” Kurt hates that his voice trembles a little because, deep down inside, he thinks that he does.
Blaine smiles softly, and he moves his hand from Kurt’s chin to brush the bangs away from his forehead. His touch is so gentle that Kurt can’t help but move in to it a little bit. He can’t begin to describe the feeling sweeping through him that Blaine’s touch invokes. They’ve touched before, held hands, briefly hugged. Mercedes has brushed his hair aside with care and tenderness. But this… this is so much more. The intimacy, in something so simple, is beyond what Kurt ever thought possible. Blaine is touching him because he wants to, because maybe, just like Kurt longs to touch Blaine, it’s all he can think about.
“You’re so used to hearing ‘no,’ Kurt, and ‘stay away’ and dozens of other reprimands that hurt, and scar you deep inside-I know, I do-and they’ve become a part of you, and made you afraid of hearing them again. And this, us, is never going to work until you believe fully and completely.” He cups Kurt’s face between his hands, and holds his gaze says. “I’m never going to tell you no.
“You don’t realize how amazing and wonderful you are, do you? How you make me feel like I can do anything, and I’ve never felt like this with someone before. Daily I have to tell myself to back off, to not smother you, to give you that chance to come back to accepting who you are and what you want, and god, all I want to know is what it feels like to kiss you-“
And Kurt breaks at his words, because he’d given up hope, never thought he would hear such a thing, couldn’t bring himself to believe in it any longer-and Blaine wants to kiss him!
“-To hold your hand and walk down the hall and let everyone know that you’re mine.”
Blaine pauses and his thumbs brush at Kurt’s tears, and Kurt doesn’t care anymore that they’re falling. “You have to be the one to take that first step, Kurt. I can’t. I can’t do that for you. And I think you know that. I think-I could be wrong-but everything about what I know of you leads me to believe that at a different point in your life, it wouldn’t have taken you this long to tell me how you really feel.”
Kurt drops his gaze, and the tears don’t hurt anymore. He’s not sure when it happened-sometime in the last few moments-but the ache is gone and there’s this incredible warmth moving through him… a different kind of ache. A brilliant and amazing and wonderful kind of ache and he’s crying because he’s never felt anything like it before.
“I’m not going anywhere, Kurt,” Blaine whispers. His fingers move through Kurt’s hair and then he’s closer, leaning in to him, his scent surrounding Kurt as his mouth brushes against his ear. And Kurt shudders at the touch, and closes his eyes, and wonders how any of this can possibly be real as Blaine whispers, “If I am what you want and need in your life, all you have to do is tell me.”
At the moment, Kurt is incapable of words. Somehow-and he doesn’t know if he initiated it or Blaine did-but somehow he is in Blaine’s arms, sobbing against his shoulder, and it isn’t even about them anymore. It isn’t about his stupidity for being angry at Blaine for no reason whatsoever, and it isn’t about the fact that Blaine loves him-Blaine loves him! It’s because he has been slowly and methodically burying everything he has ever wanted deep down where no one could touch it, no one could take it away from him, and maybe, just maybe, he could keep himself from thinking about it. It’s because Blaine has given him this marvelous key, and all he has to do is turn it and all of those secrets and longings and wishes and near-dead dreams will be right there.
His to take. His to live.
Kurt doesn’t kiss Blaine that night. He doesn’t have to. There’s no urgency, no desperation to experience what he thought he might never have now.
Eventually, they stretch out on the lounge chair together, and Blaine just holds him. Kurt lies there with his head on Blaine’s chest, and as he listens to the heart beating beneath his ear his tears mostly subside. Every now and then, Blaine tightens his embrace or makes a comment about the thousands of stars visible overhead. At one point he remarks that he has a bruise on his shin Thanks very much, by the way, and Kurt laughs and presses his face against Blaine’s shoulder, closing his eyes and breathing in everything that is Blaine as they fall back in to silence.
When they walk hand in hand back to the staterooms on deck five, and they don’t really say much at all. He feels Blaine give his hand an extra squeeze as he whispers “Goodnight”, and Kurt thinks I love you but he doesn’t say it because he knows he doesn’t have to-Blaine already knows, and everything’s okay.
XXXXXXXXXXXXX
Kurt’s still crying a little when Finn returns to the room.
His stepbrother stares at him in what can only be described as terror, before moving to his side and awkwardly putting his arm around his shoulders. And Kurt doesn’t even know how to explain to Finn that he’s crying because everything he’s ever wanted is right there waiting for him, and he can just reach out and take it. It’s too much. He doesn’t even know how to deal with it. He’s so flooded with emotions and ideas of what can be and what is and what has never been that he doesn’t even know where to begin.
“Do you need me to get your dad or something?” Finn finally asks. And Kurt thinks that has to be the most horrible idea ever at the moment.
“No. No. I just--” Another wave of tears hit, and Kurt buries his face in his hands.
“Ummm.” Finn is making noises of extreme discomfort in front of him. “Did Blaine do something? Did he hurt you? I can totally beat him up if he did.”
And then Kurt is laughing, and shaking his head, falling back on his bed and just dying with laughter because this is seriously the most incredible feeling ever.
“Dude…”
“He loves me!” Kurt laughs and spreads his arms wide above his head as he gazes up at the ceiling. “He loves me, Finn! Blaine loves me and he wants to be with me!”
“Well, that’s… good, right?”
“It’s amazing.” Kurt wipes at the tears on his cheeks and laughs again.
“Yeah, so, ummm… is this like a gay thing, or something? Because you’re totally not making any sense, dude.”
Kurt rolls his eyes and contains his laughter long enough to sit up and flash Finn a ‘did you really just say that’ expression. He closes his eyes as he tries to put into words what he’s feeling so that maybe Finn will understand. Also, he doesn’t need Finn running off to tell his dad that Blaine made Kurt cry. There’s going to be an awkward conversation soon enough with his dad about Blaine anyway, but he just needs some time to get used to all of these new feelings before that occurs.
For now, though, he tries to explain. “Imagine if you were told that you had to stop liking the girl you liked. That your interest was unwanted, that you creeped her out, that you didn’t have the right to like her-“
“Dude, when I said those things--”
“No, let me finish, Finn. This isn’t about what you said to me--” No, wait. That isn’t right. “Okay, so it kind of is about that but it’s all right. I don’t hold it against you. I don’t think you had the right to say the things you did in the manner you did, and honestly, it’s messed with me for quite a while, but, the thing is, it’s okay now.”
He glances over at his stepbrother to see that Finn looks hurt, and wary. Kurt sighs.
“I just want you to try to understand. Like I said, there’s this girl you like-maybe a few girls you like-but you’re told you’re not allowed to like them. You don’t mean anything by it, you just have all of these feelings like any normal teenager but you aren’t allowed to act on them. Some people tell you that you don’t even have the right to feel the way that you do. And one day, you realize you’ve been hearing this for so long that you start trying to bury those feelings. You bury everything because it’s easier to just not feel than to be told you aren’t allowed to. And you pretend that it’s okay and you’re fine, but really it isn’t and you aren’t, and you feel so angry and stifled, and all you can do is wonder why it has to be like this?”
Kurt takes a breath, pausing, when he realizes that Finn is watching him, really watching, the hurt and wariness slowly being replaced by something stricken and painful. Unable to continue with Finn watching him like that, Kurt looks away, but as he speaks, he finds himself smiling again.
“And then one day, the girl of your dreams walks right up to you and she says it’s okay-she knows how you feel about her, and she feels the same way, too, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Your attentions are wanted, and returned, and you don’t have to be alone anymore. You don’t have to wonder why it seems that everyone is deserving of something you aren’t because it just isn’t true. You just had to be patient. She was right there waiting for you the whole time.”
When he’s finished, he turns back to his stepbrother and finds that Finn can’t seem to meet his gaze. His eyes flicker around the room, at everything but Kurt. Finally, he starts to say, “Dude, Kurt, I didn’t realize-“
Finn stands and moves away from the bed, pacing within the small confined space. Kurt watches as dozens of emotions seem to filter through his eyes, and it’s kind of amazing because there’s a level of realization going on in Finn’s head, and Kurt can see it happening. Something more than when Finn sang to Kurt at the wedding, when he apologized for not having his back. Because that had been all about Kurt; it had been confined to everything that had happened between the two of them, acceptance as friends and family. But this isn’t just about Kurt; it’s about Blaine, too, and every other boy or girl who realized they were different, and were constantly told they were wrong and unwanted because of it.
“I’m sorry.” Finn looks wrecked. “I never thought-I didn’t think-everything me and the other guys take for granted is everything you haven’t been allowed to have. I’m so sorry, Kurt, for what I’ve said and how I’ve acted. You’ve got to know that you and Blaine-well, I think it’s awesome. And I’m totally happy for you. And he’s cool. And I wish it all could have happened without everything that’s gone down, ya know?”
Kurt smiles. “Yeah. I know. And thanks, Finn. I think I’m really starting to like having a brother.”
Finn returns the smile. “Yeah. Same here.”
TBC...