(TM) 231. Passing Time, Holding On
"Everything passes. Nobody gets anything for keeps. And that's how we've got to live." Haruki Murakami.
I can't.
I can't live like that, not right now. One day, yes, one of us will have to face the reality of loss. Chances are it will be me. But right now, today ... I have to hold on. No matter what.
Because I can't live without her.
What are you going to do about Laura, if you ever find her?
I still don't know, Saul. A lot will depend on her, and she probably won't be too happy with me when she finds out what I've done. But I do know I couldn't do any differently. Right decision, wrong decision, this is the only decision I can make. I have to wait for her, be there for her.
That's what we do, isn't it? Hang onto hope, in every hopelessly irrational way we can. I always imagined you a realist, Admiral. Not one to indulge a vain hope at the cost of lives. But then everyone has his limits.
My sine qua non, Lampkin called her. That without which life becomes meaningless. My reason for living.
And he was absolutely right. She's woven into my life, my being, on levels too deep to ignore. I've spent too long trying to ignore them. Giving her books, when what I was really giving was myself.
But Lampkin was also right about the costs. No one else should be asked to die for the sake of my reason for living.
Why are you doing this?
Because I can't live without her. And Laura's going to get to the rendezvous point. I have to believe that.
Lee said my plan sounds like suicide, and looked at objectively, I know it does. I'm sitting alone in a Raptor in deep space. I have no support, no backup, limited supplies and oxygen ... and I'm waiting for a woman last known to be on a Cylon base star that may have been destroyed. I have absolutely no guarantee that I'll find her and even less that I'll be able to get back to the fleet. Frak, I know exactly what it sounds like.
But what I'm doing feels like anything but suicide to me. Suicide is searching for death. I'm reaching for life.
Because at the end of it all, life boils down to this. Even the most hardened, pragmatic realist eventually has to breathe deep and trust to faith. Take the leap. Because if I can't, if I don't ... I might as well be dead.
What made you change?
You. You made me believe.
I believe in you, Laura. And in what I have to say to you.
I'll see you soon.
Muse: Admiral William Adama
Fandom: Battlestar Galactica '03
Word count: 348 (not including quotes from "Sine Qua Non" and "Faith")
I can't.
I can't live like that, not right now. One day, yes, one of us will have to face the reality of loss. Chances are it will be me. But right now, today ... I have to hold on. No matter what.
Because I can't live without her.
What are you going to do about Laura, if you ever find her?
I still don't know, Saul. A lot will depend on her, and she probably won't be too happy with me when she finds out what I've done. But I do know I couldn't do any differently. Right decision, wrong decision, this is the only decision I can make. I have to wait for her, be there for her.
That's what we do, isn't it? Hang onto hope, in every hopelessly irrational way we can. I always imagined you a realist, Admiral. Not one to indulge a vain hope at the cost of lives. But then everyone has his limits.
My sine qua non, Lampkin called her. That without which life becomes meaningless. My reason for living.
And he was absolutely right. She's woven into my life, my being, on levels too deep to ignore. I've spent too long trying to ignore them. Giving her books, when what I was really giving was myself.
But Lampkin was also right about the costs. No one else should be asked to die for the sake of my reason for living.
Why are you doing this?
Because I can't live without her. And Laura's going to get to the rendezvous point. I have to believe that.
Lee said my plan sounds like suicide, and looked at objectively, I know it does. I'm sitting alone in a Raptor in deep space. I have no support, no backup, limited supplies and oxygen ... and I'm waiting for a woman last known to be on a Cylon base star that may have been destroyed. I have absolutely no guarantee that I'll find her and even less that I'll be able to get back to the fleet. Frak, I know exactly what it sounds like.
But what I'm doing feels like anything but suicide to me. Suicide is searching for death. I'm reaching for life.
Because at the end of it all, life boils down to this. Even the most hardened, pragmatic realist eventually has to breathe deep and trust to faith. Take the leap. Because if I can't, if I don't ... I might as well be dead.
What made you change?
You. You made me believe.
I believe in you, Laura. And in what I have to say to you.
I'll see you soon.
Muse: Admiral William Adama
Fandom: Battlestar Galactica '03
Word count: 348 (not including quotes from "Sine Qua Non" and "Faith")