Forgive Me This Moment - Moments Update - Chapter 12
Title: Forgive Me This Moment
Pairing: Heechul/Kyuhyun, slight Yesung/Ryeowook cameos by DongHae and Sungmin
Length: 3097
Genre: Angst/Drama/Romance
Rating: R for language mainly
Summary: HeeChul decides he and KyuHyun need to speak face to face. And so on.
A/N Muses are so annoying. They either won't make up or they want to make up too soon.
Please also see my new Disclaimer of Doom if you like
See my Master List for previous chapters and other fic. Crossposted to my lj, miracle______, kyuchul4ever and k_pop_fanfics If you like KyuChul please consider joining kyuchul4ever :D
In a tight knit group like Super Junior it would have been impossible to keep such an important secret such as HeeChul and KyuHyun's relationship. That also included the managers and security personnel that they worked the most closely with on a day to day basis. Therefore, it wasn't that much of a surprise to the senior manager when HeeChul announced that he was flying to Taiwan and would be gone at least two days. At least, it didn't surprise him that HeeChul wanted to join his boyfriend there after whatever spat the two had gone through.
"What about your schedule?" the manager asks, folding his arms as if prepared to give HeeChul a difficult time with this proposed trip.
"Already taken care of. Some of the others will fill in for me, everything's covered and there are no full group appearances right now anyway with five members in Taiwan already," HeeChul answers glibly, making a big show out of examining his perfectly manicured nails. It really didn't matter what the manager said or what his superiors said. He's already made up his mind. The only way to fix this situation between himself and KyuHyun is face to face. He isn't about to let details like schedule conflicts keep him from going to Taiwan and resolving things before they got any more complicated.
Still, it's a distinct relief when phone calls are made and the trip is arranged for complete with security etc, etc. Everyone knows about HeeChul's arrival except for one key person.
....
HeeChul barely suppresses his annoyance when DongHae refuses to allow him to take over the rap sections of HeartQuake in order to surprise KyuHyun with his presence. He's even more annoyed when everyone from Ryeowook to Sungmin agrees with DongHae.
"It wouldn't be fair, hyung," Ryeowook says slowly, lifting sincere eyes to study HeeChul's face carefully. "He's been so upset, can't even sleep, if you suddenly were there - I don't think he could keep his emotions from showing and that's more trouble than you need."
HeeChul sighs and bites his lip, running both hands through his hair. "Oh, fine. But I'll be there off stage anyway. I need to see how he looks for myself and none of you are stopping me, alright?"
"Just don't cause him an emotional freak out. Not in public, you know he hates making a mistake in public." DongHae puts in, staring hard at HeeChul until the other man shrugs.
"Yeah, yeah fine."
At this point, Ryeowook pokes HeeChul lightly in the stomach. "What happened to your hand, hyung?" he asks, indicating HeeChul's still bandaged palm.
"I had an accident with a cigarette," HeeChul says shortly and pushes the lot of them out of his room before any of them start asking awkward questions.
HeeChul spends the next few hours pacing and wishing for a cigarette but he didn't bring any with him and is resisting the idea of sending out for some. He's happy when it's time to shower and dress, pulling on one of his more favorite stage outfits. The trousers are sleek black, the shirt a variation on a clean button down in white with a high/low caped hem and a long black scarf draped around his neck. He stamps his way into a pair of low boots and growls at his hair, tying it back so that a few dark strands fall forward attractively around his face and a piece of black ribbon keeps the rest of it out of his way.
Finished with his dressing, he stares at his own reflection in the mirror. He's willing to do almost anything if it means healing this break between himself and KyuHyun, even if that means going so far as bending his pride.
....
KyuHyun is operating on a potent combination of snatched minutes of sleep, expresso coffee and sheer willpower at this point. He's been rotating lying down with Ryeowook and Yesung or with Donghae or Sungmin at night for the comfort it can give. But despite his very real affection for his "brothers", none of them can replace his boyfriend - the one he knows without a doubt now that he loves with his entire heart - as difficult as HeeChul may be sometimes, KyuHyun needs his presence in his life to feel whole.
He's dressing for K.R.Y's appearance and being a little lazy about it, trousers and matching jacket and then replacing his usual pull over with a lighter henley style tee and leaving the buttons open. It still matches what Yesung and Ryeowook are wearing and that's got to be enough. Even though his perfectionist soul is hyper aware that he should be doing warm ups and so on to prepare for the evening's concert, the depression that's taken him over has robbed him of any true desire to do so. He salves his conscience by humming some scales as he finishes brushing his hair and at the last minute dabbing on a tiny amount of that cologne Heenim bought him. As the scent rises off his wrists and his throat, KyuHyun grinds his teeth and wonders why he bothered. At the last minute, he slides on a pair of designer sunglasses that arrived recently and lets himself out of his room.
At the concert hall, KyuHyun allows himself to be patted with a light application of makeup, his hair to be sprayed into utter stillness and then goes through the sound check. The whole time, all he can really feel is a sort of dull ache where his heart used to be.
....
HeeChul finds it difficult to stay out of sight of both the crowds that are filing into the hall and KyuHyun. Peeking out of a small room that's been set aside for his use, he watches the tall, slim figure of his boyfriend pacing restlessly down the hallway backstage. He can't help himself, staring unabashedly at KyuHyun hungrily. The younger man looks completely edible as far as HeeChul is concerned, but nevertheless he notices each small change in KyuHyun's appearance. There's a nervousness in his gestures that wasn't there before, and KyuHyun's pallor has reached a point of almost obvious illness, despite the layer of stage makeup. KyuHyun's eyes look tired and dull, and every aspect of his lover's appearance make HeeChul's heart constrict with pain. He was stupid to ever think that he was the only one suffering this silence that lies between the two of them. He'll never make that mistake again, at least.
The only thing that keeps him from stepping out to speak to KyuHyun then and there is his belief that if he does, it might seriously hinder the concert's opening. HeeChul and KyuHyun are of one mind in the sincere dedication to giving the fans what they paid for, stood in line for, practiced fan chants for so distracting his boyfriend with private life stuff at this particular point in time gives new meaning to a bad move.
There's enough tension of the wrong sort between them right now, HeeChul doesn't want to add to it if he can help it.
I love you KyuHyun, I'll make this up to you somehow. he thinks, watching his boyfriend pace.
....
Twenty minutes or so before the concert is scheduled to start, KyuHyun begins to feel an odd sensation. Something, some awareness has him feeling less broken, a tiny bit less destroyed and the small amount of relief has him actually smiling at the other men around him ready to go on. "Here we go again," he jokes softly. The others smile at him with varying levels of warmth and after that the concert becomes a bit of a haze.
KyuHyun hits his cues, makes his high notes, adds some adlibs and more or less gets through the night. He's too busy to analyze the awareness making the hair stand up on the back of his neck. Still something is making his nerves prickle and it's not an unpleasant sensation. It's rather nice, in fact.
During the question and answer section, he peers around the room, searching for the source of the feeling that's been keeping him company but all he sees are concert goers with their sapphire blue pearl light sticks. Oh well, there's not a lot of time left, only a few more numbers. And maybe, after that, he'll break down and call Heenim.
....
Watched over alternately by Sungmin and Donghae, HeeChul sneaks out to where he can watch the concert and not be seen. He almost trembles, his eyes never leaving KyuHyun's form for a moment.
DongHae peers a couple of times to make sure his hyung is even still breathing. He shakes his head and whispers to Sungmin. "Next time they fight, I vote we throw them in a room together until they make up." He grins playfully.
"I endorse this plan," Sungmin agrees, laughing quietly.
HeeChul ignores them, holding on to a fistful of curtain fabric without realizing it. The most important thing to him is KyuHyun, at this moment. He is starting to wonder what they were even arguing about. He sighs to himself, beginning to tap his toes in impatience for the concert to be over and the lights out front to go down.
Eventually, they do just that. The encores are over, the people are filing out. So that leads him to confrontation time.
....
KyuHyun decides he will never understand the logic which drives Ryeowook and Yesung as a couple. They are always a little weird, at least to him, but tonight seriously take the cake. Neither of them seem quite capable of sitting still and as he washes his face to get the worst of the makeup and sweat off of him before they drive to the hotel, he glances at the two of them from the corner of his eye.
"What's going on with you two?" he asks, more for something to say than any true curiousity. As long as they keep Yesung's weird turtle obsession away from him, everything is cool. Otherwise, Ryeowook is his best friend so, that means he's willing to put up with a lot.
"Nothing, nothing at all," Ryeowook says from where he's pretending to be removing some of the makeup he's wearing with a piece of tissue and some cream.
"Uh huh," KyuHyun answers, glancing over at Ryeowook's boyfriend. Yesung is ignoring them both in favor of fiddling with his phone. Maybe there are turtle pictures on his phone.
He opens his mouth to say something else, maybe ask again but the door opens and the slim figure that steps inside looks so good and is such a big surprise that KyuHyun is struck temporarily dumb. That seems to give Ryeowook and Yesung their chance to escape so in about two minutes the dressing room is empty, except for KyuHyun and HeeChul. KyuHyun closes his mouth with a snap and looks away.
The look of his boyfriend, his lover, actually, more like his heart itself, is so ...everything he wants right now that KyuHyun feels as if he's staring into the sun. His eyes tear and he closes them tightly.
"Hi," HeeChul says into the silence, taking a few steps deeper into the small room. His heart is beating so fast that it's almost painful, as if some small animal or bird were caught in his rib cage and fighting to get out. "You didn't call." The moment that sentence is out of his mouth, HeeChul wants to bite his tongue.
"You didn't call me," KyuHyun points out, still not looking directly at HeeChul. Little glances are enough to tell him that Heenim looks paler than usual and also slimmer. His skin seems translucent, revealing the dark circles under soulful eyes. "I waited," he adds...beginning to fidget with some papers left on the counter.
HeeChul takes a deep breath, fighting back his first response which is to try to put KyuHyun on the defensive. "I thought we should see each other. It would be...more effective," he replies slowly. "Over the phone arguments always feel unfinished and strange...more painful than in the room ones."
"Are we still arguing?" KyuHyun asks, pushing the floor with one foot so that the chair he's in eases around to almost face HeeChul. He grabs hold of the arms of teh chair he's sitting in, clenching fingers in the fake leather tightly.
"I don't know. I don't want to," HeeChul admits, tilting his head to look at KyuHyun that little bit more closely. It's certain that the younger man is thinner and frankly he looks pale as death.
KyuHyun looks down at his feet, then back up again. "I can't compete with him. There's no way. I'm...just ...I'm just me," he says softly, clutching the arms of his chair tightly as if seeking for a life line.
HeeChul sighs and moves closer to KyuHyun. He stops to lean against the counter, just out of reaching distance. "I never wanted you to do that. I never wanted you to be anything but you."
Lashes sweep down as KyuHyun closes his eyes, letting HeeChul's words waft over him like some sweet breeze. "I'm not like him, Heenim," he says after a moment. "In the first place, I love you. You're irritating and aggravating and cruel and beautiful and sweet and sexy and loving. Why would I want to lose you? Leave you?" He gives HeeChul a hard look. "In the second place, I like where I am and I think he is a fool. So could you trust me, a little bit?"
HeeChul's lips lift on one side as he listens to KyuHyun's description of him. He returns the hard look with a simple gaze, in no way desiring to set off KyuHyun's temper. His boyfriend is formidable when he's angry. "It's not so easy." HeeChul says honestly and moves over in front of KyuHyun's chair.
"It's...I don't love that easy, to begin with. I'm a possessive bastard and violent besides." As he speaks, he drops down to crouch in front of KyuHyun, reaching out to lay his hand over one of the younger man's. "I'm clingy. It's not to smother you or even because I don't trust you. Not really. It's because I really almost can't bear not being near you. I'm too aware of how fragile life and love can be."
KyuHyun can't keep his eyes off HeeChul any longer. It's as though he's been starved for days and suddenly there is a feast in front of him if he only reaches his hand out for it. He listens to his boyfriend's words and tries to suppress the way his heart aches as he accepts in part what HeeChul is saying.
"It hurts me to be away from you too, you know," he confesses quietly. Looking down he studies HeeChul's slender fingers as if he's never seen them before. "It's not like I want to be hundreds of miles away in another country. It's a commitment, a responsibility I have to keep. If I could have brought you with me, don't you think I would have? But you have commitments too, that's just how it is." His voice cracks a little with emotion and he sighs.
"You have to decide though, Heenim. Me...or him...I can't handle an invisible man that I can't measure up to in our relationship."
"Kyu-baby," HeeChul says, because it seems he's been aching to call KyuHyun that for what seems like eons. "It's not what you think. I tried to keep you away from me, I tried to not want you, love you, need you. Because I had this...idea that I would just be a martyr to betrayal. That maybe I just didn't deserve anything better." He speaks rapidly, keeping his gaze pinned to the lovely hollow at the base of KyuHyun's throat.
"That's..."KyuHyun begins but HeeChul's hand flies up to stop the words, pressing lightly against his boyfriend's lips.
"But you wouldn't let me be. You kept being there, so beautiful and so light and so pure somehow. And you loved me...cried over me, hurt over me until I couldn't resist you any more. Couldn't do anything but love you and give in to you. And when you were there...I began to hope, that maybe I wasn't the one at fault. I wasn't the one who...who failed love. But this...you're leaving....even for a little while...suddenly I was so frightened again that I couldn't think. If you left me...like that...I knew I couldn't survive it, and ...so I acted like a fool."
KyuHyun pulls HeeChul's hand away, noticing the bandage across the palm with a frown but letting that go for this important conversation. He simply holds his boyfriend's hand "You were an idiot," he states clearly, but his voice is soft and tender and his eyes are glowing with love. "But I was too...I never asked you how you felt...I was afraid to. Afraid that I was second best to you and if that was so, I didn't want to know. And Heenim, you aren't the one at fault. Anyone could have told you that."
"I'm sorry," HeeChul says quietly, with such simple sincerity that no one could doubt his apology.
"I'm sorry too."
HeeChul leans forward then and places his lips very carefully against KyuHyun's in a gentle kiss.
KyuHyun kisses HeeChul back, letting the kiss become a kind of seal on these past lonely days. "I love you, Heenim," he says against HeeChul's mouth.
"I love you too, Kyu-baby. Let's get out of here, hmm?" HeeChul pulls back and tucks a strand of hair behind KyuHyun's ear and stands, offering a hand to help KyuHyun climb out of the chair.
"I'm so tired and I only have a couple days before I have to be back in Seoul," he adds as KyuHyun rises and the two of them lean against each other.
"Sleep first? And then, I expect you to keep me very busy, Heenim," KyuHyun suggests, grinning faintly.
"Count on it," HeeChul answers, brushing a kiss to KyuHyun's pale cheek. "I missed your sexy body way too much."
Laughing, the two of them emerge from the little dressing room to find their friends gathered around waiting for them. Sighs of relief echo in the hallway and together they all pile out of the concert hall and into the cars waiting to take them back to the hotel.
Pairing: Heechul/Kyuhyun, slight Yesung/Ryeowook cameos by DongHae and Sungmin
Length: 3097
Genre: Angst/Drama/Romance
Rating: R for language mainly
Summary: HeeChul decides he and KyuHyun need to speak face to face. And so on.
A/N Muses are so annoying. They either won't make up or they want to make up too soon.
Please also see my new Disclaimer of Doom if you like
See my Master List for previous chapters and other fic. Crossposted to my lj, miracle______, kyuchul4ever and k_pop_fanfics If you like KyuChul please consider joining kyuchul4ever :D
In a tight knit group like Super Junior it would have been impossible to keep such an important secret such as HeeChul and KyuHyun's relationship. That also included the managers and security personnel that they worked the most closely with on a day to day basis. Therefore, it wasn't that much of a surprise to the senior manager when HeeChul announced that he was flying to Taiwan and would be gone at least two days. At least, it didn't surprise him that HeeChul wanted to join his boyfriend there after whatever spat the two had gone through.
"What about your schedule?" the manager asks, folding his arms as if prepared to give HeeChul a difficult time with this proposed trip.
"Already taken care of. Some of the others will fill in for me, everything's covered and there are no full group appearances right now anyway with five members in Taiwan already," HeeChul answers glibly, making a big show out of examining his perfectly manicured nails. It really didn't matter what the manager said or what his superiors said. He's already made up his mind. The only way to fix this situation between himself and KyuHyun is face to face. He isn't about to let details like schedule conflicts keep him from going to Taiwan and resolving things before they got any more complicated.
Still, it's a distinct relief when phone calls are made and the trip is arranged for complete with security etc, etc. Everyone knows about HeeChul's arrival except for one key person.
....
HeeChul barely suppresses his annoyance when DongHae refuses to allow him to take over the rap sections of HeartQuake in order to surprise KyuHyun with his presence. He's even more annoyed when everyone from Ryeowook to Sungmin agrees with DongHae.
"It wouldn't be fair, hyung," Ryeowook says slowly, lifting sincere eyes to study HeeChul's face carefully. "He's been so upset, can't even sleep, if you suddenly were there - I don't think he could keep his emotions from showing and that's more trouble than you need."
HeeChul sighs and bites his lip, running both hands through his hair. "Oh, fine. But I'll be there off stage anyway. I need to see how he looks for myself and none of you are stopping me, alright?"
"Just don't cause him an emotional freak out. Not in public, you know he hates making a mistake in public." DongHae puts in, staring hard at HeeChul until the other man shrugs.
"Yeah, yeah fine."
At this point, Ryeowook pokes HeeChul lightly in the stomach. "What happened to your hand, hyung?" he asks, indicating HeeChul's still bandaged palm.
"I had an accident with a cigarette," HeeChul says shortly and pushes the lot of them out of his room before any of them start asking awkward questions.
HeeChul spends the next few hours pacing and wishing for a cigarette but he didn't bring any with him and is resisting the idea of sending out for some. He's happy when it's time to shower and dress, pulling on one of his more favorite stage outfits. The trousers are sleek black, the shirt a variation on a clean button down in white with a high/low caped hem and a long black scarf draped around his neck. He stamps his way into a pair of low boots and growls at his hair, tying it back so that a few dark strands fall forward attractively around his face and a piece of black ribbon keeps the rest of it out of his way.
Finished with his dressing, he stares at his own reflection in the mirror. He's willing to do almost anything if it means healing this break between himself and KyuHyun, even if that means going so far as bending his pride.
....
KyuHyun is operating on a potent combination of snatched minutes of sleep, expresso coffee and sheer willpower at this point. He's been rotating lying down with Ryeowook and Yesung or with Donghae or Sungmin at night for the comfort it can give. But despite his very real affection for his "brothers", none of them can replace his boyfriend - the one he knows without a doubt now that he loves with his entire heart - as difficult as HeeChul may be sometimes, KyuHyun needs his presence in his life to feel whole.
He's dressing for K.R.Y's appearance and being a little lazy about it, trousers and matching jacket and then replacing his usual pull over with a lighter henley style tee and leaving the buttons open. It still matches what Yesung and Ryeowook are wearing and that's got to be enough. Even though his perfectionist soul is hyper aware that he should be doing warm ups and so on to prepare for the evening's concert, the depression that's taken him over has robbed him of any true desire to do so. He salves his conscience by humming some scales as he finishes brushing his hair and at the last minute dabbing on a tiny amount of that cologne Heenim bought him. As the scent rises off his wrists and his throat, KyuHyun grinds his teeth and wonders why he bothered. At the last minute, he slides on a pair of designer sunglasses that arrived recently and lets himself out of his room.
At the concert hall, KyuHyun allows himself to be patted with a light application of makeup, his hair to be sprayed into utter stillness and then goes through the sound check. The whole time, all he can really feel is a sort of dull ache where his heart used to be.
....
HeeChul finds it difficult to stay out of sight of both the crowds that are filing into the hall and KyuHyun. Peeking out of a small room that's been set aside for his use, he watches the tall, slim figure of his boyfriend pacing restlessly down the hallway backstage. He can't help himself, staring unabashedly at KyuHyun hungrily. The younger man looks completely edible as far as HeeChul is concerned, but nevertheless he notices each small change in KyuHyun's appearance. There's a nervousness in his gestures that wasn't there before, and KyuHyun's pallor has reached a point of almost obvious illness, despite the layer of stage makeup. KyuHyun's eyes look tired and dull, and every aspect of his lover's appearance make HeeChul's heart constrict with pain. He was stupid to ever think that he was the only one suffering this silence that lies between the two of them. He'll never make that mistake again, at least.
The only thing that keeps him from stepping out to speak to KyuHyun then and there is his belief that if he does, it might seriously hinder the concert's opening. HeeChul and KyuHyun are of one mind in the sincere dedication to giving the fans what they paid for, stood in line for, practiced fan chants for so distracting his boyfriend with private life stuff at this particular point in time gives new meaning to a bad move.
There's enough tension of the wrong sort between them right now, HeeChul doesn't want to add to it if he can help it.
I love you KyuHyun, I'll make this up to you somehow. he thinks, watching his boyfriend pace.
....
Twenty minutes or so before the concert is scheduled to start, KyuHyun begins to feel an odd sensation. Something, some awareness has him feeling less broken, a tiny bit less destroyed and the small amount of relief has him actually smiling at the other men around him ready to go on. "Here we go again," he jokes softly. The others smile at him with varying levels of warmth and after that the concert becomes a bit of a haze.
KyuHyun hits his cues, makes his high notes, adds some adlibs and more or less gets through the night. He's too busy to analyze the awareness making the hair stand up on the back of his neck. Still something is making his nerves prickle and it's not an unpleasant sensation. It's rather nice, in fact.
During the question and answer section, he peers around the room, searching for the source of the feeling that's been keeping him company but all he sees are concert goers with their sapphire blue pearl light sticks. Oh well, there's not a lot of time left, only a few more numbers. And maybe, after that, he'll break down and call Heenim.
....
Watched over alternately by Sungmin and Donghae, HeeChul sneaks out to where he can watch the concert and not be seen. He almost trembles, his eyes never leaving KyuHyun's form for a moment.
DongHae peers a couple of times to make sure his hyung is even still breathing. He shakes his head and whispers to Sungmin. "Next time they fight, I vote we throw them in a room together until they make up." He grins playfully.
"I endorse this plan," Sungmin agrees, laughing quietly.
HeeChul ignores them, holding on to a fistful of curtain fabric without realizing it. The most important thing to him is KyuHyun, at this moment. He is starting to wonder what they were even arguing about. He sighs to himself, beginning to tap his toes in impatience for the concert to be over and the lights out front to go down.
Eventually, they do just that. The encores are over, the people are filing out. So that leads him to confrontation time.
....
KyuHyun decides he will never understand the logic which drives Ryeowook and Yesung as a couple. They are always a little weird, at least to him, but tonight seriously take the cake. Neither of them seem quite capable of sitting still and as he washes his face to get the worst of the makeup and sweat off of him before they drive to the hotel, he glances at the two of them from the corner of his eye.
"What's going on with you two?" he asks, more for something to say than any true curiousity. As long as they keep Yesung's weird turtle obsession away from him, everything is cool. Otherwise, Ryeowook is his best friend so, that means he's willing to put up with a lot.
"Nothing, nothing at all," Ryeowook says from where he's pretending to be removing some of the makeup he's wearing with a piece of tissue and some cream.
"Uh huh," KyuHyun answers, glancing over at Ryeowook's boyfriend. Yesung is ignoring them both in favor of fiddling with his phone. Maybe there are turtle pictures on his phone.
He opens his mouth to say something else, maybe ask again but the door opens and the slim figure that steps inside looks so good and is such a big surprise that KyuHyun is struck temporarily dumb. That seems to give Ryeowook and Yesung their chance to escape so in about two minutes the dressing room is empty, except for KyuHyun and HeeChul. KyuHyun closes his mouth with a snap and looks away.
The look of his boyfriend, his lover, actually, more like his heart itself, is so ...everything he wants right now that KyuHyun feels as if he's staring into the sun. His eyes tear and he closes them tightly.
"Hi," HeeChul says into the silence, taking a few steps deeper into the small room. His heart is beating so fast that it's almost painful, as if some small animal or bird were caught in his rib cage and fighting to get out. "You didn't call." The moment that sentence is out of his mouth, HeeChul wants to bite his tongue.
"You didn't call me," KyuHyun points out, still not looking directly at HeeChul. Little glances are enough to tell him that Heenim looks paler than usual and also slimmer. His skin seems translucent, revealing the dark circles under soulful eyes. "I waited," he adds...beginning to fidget with some papers left on the counter.
HeeChul takes a deep breath, fighting back his first response which is to try to put KyuHyun on the defensive. "I thought we should see each other. It would be...more effective," he replies slowly. "Over the phone arguments always feel unfinished and strange...more painful than in the room ones."
"Are we still arguing?" KyuHyun asks, pushing the floor with one foot so that the chair he's in eases around to almost face HeeChul. He grabs hold of the arms of teh chair he's sitting in, clenching fingers in the fake leather tightly.
"I don't know. I don't want to," HeeChul admits, tilting his head to look at KyuHyun that little bit more closely. It's certain that the younger man is thinner and frankly he looks pale as death.
KyuHyun looks down at his feet, then back up again. "I can't compete with him. There's no way. I'm...just ...I'm just me," he says softly, clutching the arms of his chair tightly as if seeking for a life line.
HeeChul sighs and moves closer to KyuHyun. He stops to lean against the counter, just out of reaching distance. "I never wanted you to do that. I never wanted you to be anything but you."
Lashes sweep down as KyuHyun closes his eyes, letting HeeChul's words waft over him like some sweet breeze. "I'm not like him, Heenim," he says after a moment. "In the first place, I love you. You're irritating and aggravating and cruel and beautiful and sweet and sexy and loving. Why would I want to lose you? Leave you?" He gives HeeChul a hard look. "In the second place, I like where I am and I think he is a fool. So could you trust me, a little bit?"
HeeChul's lips lift on one side as he listens to KyuHyun's description of him. He returns the hard look with a simple gaze, in no way desiring to set off KyuHyun's temper. His boyfriend is formidable when he's angry. "It's not so easy." HeeChul says honestly and moves over in front of KyuHyun's chair.
"It's...I don't love that easy, to begin with. I'm a possessive bastard and violent besides." As he speaks, he drops down to crouch in front of KyuHyun, reaching out to lay his hand over one of the younger man's. "I'm clingy. It's not to smother you or even because I don't trust you. Not really. It's because I really almost can't bear not being near you. I'm too aware of how fragile life and love can be."
KyuHyun can't keep his eyes off HeeChul any longer. It's as though he's been starved for days and suddenly there is a feast in front of him if he only reaches his hand out for it. He listens to his boyfriend's words and tries to suppress the way his heart aches as he accepts in part what HeeChul is saying.
"It hurts me to be away from you too, you know," he confesses quietly. Looking down he studies HeeChul's slender fingers as if he's never seen them before. "It's not like I want to be hundreds of miles away in another country. It's a commitment, a responsibility I have to keep. If I could have brought you with me, don't you think I would have? But you have commitments too, that's just how it is." His voice cracks a little with emotion and he sighs.
"You have to decide though, Heenim. Me...or him...I can't handle an invisible man that I can't measure up to in our relationship."
"Kyu-baby," HeeChul says, because it seems he's been aching to call KyuHyun that for what seems like eons. "It's not what you think. I tried to keep you away from me, I tried to not want you, love you, need you. Because I had this...idea that I would just be a martyr to betrayal. That maybe I just didn't deserve anything better." He speaks rapidly, keeping his gaze pinned to the lovely hollow at the base of KyuHyun's throat.
"That's..."KyuHyun begins but HeeChul's hand flies up to stop the words, pressing lightly against his boyfriend's lips.
"But you wouldn't let me be. You kept being there, so beautiful and so light and so pure somehow. And you loved me...cried over me, hurt over me until I couldn't resist you any more. Couldn't do anything but love you and give in to you. And when you were there...I began to hope, that maybe I wasn't the one at fault. I wasn't the one who...who failed love. But this...you're leaving....even for a little while...suddenly I was so frightened again that I couldn't think. If you left me...like that...I knew I couldn't survive it, and ...so I acted like a fool."
KyuHyun pulls HeeChul's hand away, noticing the bandage across the palm with a frown but letting that go for this important conversation. He simply holds his boyfriend's hand "You were an idiot," he states clearly, but his voice is soft and tender and his eyes are glowing with love. "But I was too...I never asked you how you felt...I was afraid to. Afraid that I was second best to you and if that was so, I didn't want to know. And Heenim, you aren't the one at fault. Anyone could have told you that."
"I'm sorry," HeeChul says quietly, with such simple sincerity that no one could doubt his apology.
"I'm sorry too."
HeeChul leans forward then and places his lips very carefully against KyuHyun's in a gentle kiss.
KyuHyun kisses HeeChul back, letting the kiss become a kind of seal on these past lonely days. "I love you, Heenim," he says against HeeChul's mouth.
"I love you too, Kyu-baby. Let's get out of here, hmm?" HeeChul pulls back and tucks a strand of hair behind KyuHyun's ear and stands, offering a hand to help KyuHyun climb out of the chair.
"I'm so tired and I only have a couple days before I have to be back in Seoul," he adds as KyuHyun rises and the two of them lean against each other.
"Sleep first? And then, I expect you to keep me very busy, Heenim," KyuHyun suggests, grinning faintly.
"Count on it," HeeChul answers, brushing a kiss to KyuHyun's pale cheek. "I missed your sexy body way too much."
Laughing, the two of them emerge from the little dressing room to find their friends gathered around waiting for them. Sighs of relief echo in the hallway and together they all pile out of the concert hall and into the cars waiting to take them back to the hotel.