Insight!
Blah... Been a few days and no comments which is good I suppose. It occurred to me last night that I should explain a few things. It came out something like this. In today's society, the concept of love and hate has merged into a gray area. People say they love everything like cars, TV, and friends. I can say "I love chocolate" and it would be a different kind of love than when I say "I love my grandmother". Love is a term that is thrown around a lot and has lost a lot of its meaning.
Similarly, hateful words and phrases are uttered everyday on animated shows and prime-time television. Just last week while watching Fox during peak hours I heard the phrase "If I had a gun I'd kill you all!" around 20 to 30 times (due to a certain episode preview). Basically in that episode of "Family Guy" Brian (the talking dog) looks up an old girlfriend and finds that he has a son named Dillon(why he isn't half dog I don't know.). Anyways Dillon has to live with Brian at the Griffin house and he isn't too happy about it. I realized that I had heard that particular phrase enough that it had basically lost all meaning to me. In truth, the phrase or even similar hateful phrases had lost their meaning to me a long time ago. A person could literally walk up to me on the street and say "I'm going to kill you" and I wouldn't even flinch or take them seriously even if they threatened me with a gun. I'd just figure it was someone making a movie or just being weird. I guess I just thought that the words wouldn't mean anything to anyone else since they didn't mean anything to me. I mean throughout the week I'm barraged by Homer saying "I'm going to kill you!" to Bart on "The Simpsons" or Listen to Stewie's matricidal speeches on "Family Guy". I mean in that context it is funny.
In my mind the Internet is largely a false entity. There is very little real-life stuff that happens. I go to Slingo.com and play the games. Sure I have over 70 million slingo coins but they are basically fake coins. I can visit all of the pet sites that I adore but the pets are bits of data and I realize the fantasy aspect of it all. You can visit Second Life or Furcadia and the environment can seem realistic but it too is fake. Don't get me wrong... I loved Furcadia back when I played it and I do love Second Life. It has been over a year since I have been to Second Life. Hopefully I can remedy that soon.
I'll tell you what is real though. The friends you make online are real. The emotions are real. I hold them as dear as family because that is what they are. They are extensions of my family. I'm not discounting that with all this talk of fake stuff. I met most of them in a fantasy environment sure... Not the environment that matters. I may never get to meet any of them but I've known that from the start and that was never a factor. They all are amazing even if I have lost touch with some of them.
On the topic of false things. This blog is part of the internet and merges with the fake aspect of the internet. The information I type is true but I seldom ever bother to read an entry in mine more than once. I put them out of my mind and forget them. The "May 4th" entry was gone from my mind and forgotten by May 6th. I do tend to get fired up with nothing much to do but spend 10 to 12 hours surfing the net while playing various gaming and virtual pet websites. I take some of that time to write amateurish stories that basically allow me to express different parts of my personality. It is a way of experimenting with aspects of myself with any messy drama and no unsightly diseases. I also write as a way of solving internal turmoil.
There are times when something happens that brings all those thoughts and feelings back to the surface. In this instance my grandmother and father were making a big deal out of my bad experiences back in Grade School and High School. Mainly it was because I never told anyone about them. I mean back then I didn't want anyone to get in trouble. Later, I realized that coming forward wouldn't do any good which seems to have proven true. It looks like I'll just bury these emotions again and maybe they will stay buried for a few years. I've decided that I can never attend Alumni Banquet. It is more of a relief than you imagine. I doubt I'll ever have a wife or kids anyways and nothing to really show for in my life anyways. I'm a bit too broken to ever be repaired which is fine. I like my solitary life even if it was forced upon me by.... Nevermind. I'm sick of all the blaming and grow fatigued of this struggle. I'll bury the memories and then maybe the nightmares will go away.
I quite like my life even though most people would see it as boring and mundane. I never really saw myself as a janitor. Back when I helped my grandmother clean the Astoria Church of the Brethren... It was one thing that I reassured myself that I'd never be. It is a living and pays the bills though. I wish I was making a 5 figure salary but I also realize that a lot of money isn't where happiness is. Sure, a lot of money would make things easier. Then again "easy" isn't always "best".
I'm exhausted. Night!
Similarly, hateful words and phrases are uttered everyday on animated shows and prime-time television. Just last week while watching Fox during peak hours I heard the phrase "If I had a gun I'd kill you all!" around 20 to 30 times (due to a certain episode preview). Basically in that episode of "Family Guy" Brian (the talking dog) looks up an old girlfriend and finds that he has a son named Dillon(why he isn't half dog I don't know.). Anyways Dillon has to live with Brian at the Griffin house and he isn't too happy about it. I realized that I had heard that particular phrase enough that it had basically lost all meaning to me. In truth, the phrase or even similar hateful phrases had lost their meaning to me a long time ago. A person could literally walk up to me on the street and say "I'm going to kill you" and I wouldn't even flinch or take them seriously even if they threatened me with a gun. I'd just figure it was someone making a movie or just being weird. I guess I just thought that the words wouldn't mean anything to anyone else since they didn't mean anything to me. I mean throughout the week I'm barraged by Homer saying "I'm going to kill you!" to Bart on "The Simpsons" or Listen to Stewie's matricidal speeches on "Family Guy". I mean in that context it is funny.
In my mind the Internet is largely a false entity. There is very little real-life stuff that happens. I go to Slingo.com and play the games. Sure I have over 70 million slingo coins but they are basically fake coins. I can visit all of the pet sites that I adore but the pets are bits of data and I realize the fantasy aspect of it all. You can visit Second Life or Furcadia and the environment can seem realistic but it too is fake. Don't get me wrong... I loved Furcadia back when I played it and I do love Second Life. It has been over a year since I have been to Second Life. Hopefully I can remedy that soon.
I'll tell you what is real though. The friends you make online are real. The emotions are real. I hold them as dear as family because that is what they are. They are extensions of my family. I'm not discounting that with all this talk of fake stuff. I met most of them in a fantasy environment sure... Not the environment that matters. I may never get to meet any of them but I've known that from the start and that was never a factor. They all are amazing even if I have lost touch with some of them.
On the topic of false things. This blog is part of the internet and merges with the fake aspect of the internet. The information I type is true but I seldom ever bother to read an entry in mine more than once. I put them out of my mind and forget them. The "May 4th" entry was gone from my mind and forgotten by May 6th. I do tend to get fired up with nothing much to do but spend 10 to 12 hours surfing the net while playing various gaming and virtual pet websites. I take some of that time to write amateurish stories that basically allow me to express different parts of my personality. It is a way of experimenting with aspects of myself with any messy drama and no unsightly diseases. I also write as a way of solving internal turmoil.
There are times when something happens that brings all those thoughts and feelings back to the surface. In this instance my grandmother and father were making a big deal out of my bad experiences back in Grade School and High School. Mainly it was because I never told anyone about them. I mean back then I didn't want anyone to get in trouble. Later, I realized that coming forward wouldn't do any good which seems to have proven true. It looks like I'll just bury these emotions again and maybe they will stay buried for a few years. I've decided that I can never attend Alumni Banquet. It is more of a relief than you imagine. I doubt I'll ever have a wife or kids anyways and nothing to really show for in my life anyways. I'm a bit too broken to ever be repaired which is fine. I like my solitary life even if it was forced upon me by.... Nevermind. I'm sick of all the blaming and grow fatigued of this struggle. I'll bury the memories and then maybe the nightmares will go away.
I quite like my life even though most people would see it as boring and mundane. I never really saw myself as a janitor. Back when I helped my grandmother clean the Astoria Church of the Brethren... It was one thing that I reassured myself that I'd never be. It is a living and pays the bills though. I wish I was making a 5 figure salary but I also realize that a lot of money isn't where happiness is. Sure, a lot of money would make things easier. Then again "easy" isn't always "best".
I'm exhausted. Night!