Seven hours of sleep and a short story to boot! #blogjune
Short Story Sunday
For my writing club last year we were asked to write a story which had A Falling Star, An Old Persian Brass Lamp, A Broadway Musical, the colour Deep Green and with a Larrikin as the main character. So I did what I could.
Bathmophobia.
Bathmophobia: (n) The fear of stairs or slopes.
Robbie wasn’t having a great day so far and it wasn’t helped by the fact that the elevator was broken in the hotel he was staying in. He’d walked down nine flights of stairs to get to the lobby when he realised he’d left his watch back up in the room so he ran back up and then back down. Twenty seven flights of stairs in total and his day was just beginning.
His job was a minder, his client was Tom Cruise, and his day was going to be spent making sure that one of the most hyperactive actors alive was able to get to the theatre that evening to star in the musical adaptation of The Princess Bride. Robbie was covering for his mate Paul who’d spent the day before following Mr Cruise(“Call me Tom, or you’re fired. Just kidding. You’re fired anyway. Call me Tom. Stay frosty Ice Man and you can’t handle the truth. You’re rehired. Let’s go to the zoo!”) before nearly passing out from exhaustion.
“He’s insane.” Paul had told him the night before after he’d been called in as his replacement. “You’ll go crazy, we had to run everywhere, he ran to the train station and then tried to race the train to the next stop. He nearly won, I had to run behind him the entire way and after that he carried me on his back to the next station, where he actually beat the train somehow before we stole some bikes and rode to the zoo together. And when we got there he found out that some tigers were named after him, Cuba Gooding Jnr and Renée Zellweger so he got them on Skype and then ran into the tiger pit to show them both screaming ‘Show me the money!’ the entire time. After that we went to Circular Quay and busked for an hour singing ‘That Loving Feeling’ until we had enough money to buy a prostitute for this homeless guy, then, then things got really weird, suppressed memory weird before we finally got to the theatre and after all that Tom was barely puffed. Not even sweating.”
Robbie had worried that his less than active lifestyle was going to be problematic with his new employer. “She’ll be right mate. I’ve run a few times over the years, eventually I get there. All I’ve got to do is make sure that he’s at the theatre by six pm to get into his costume to play Prince Humperdinck.”
“Oh you barely have to worry about that, he’s nuts but punctual. He’d probably be better off without us, but the theatre company insisted on having someone to make sure he’s not hit by a car crossing the road.”
“Or have someone handy to blame for it if he does. I’ll make sure to pack some Vegemite and do some stretches.”
“You’re going to die Robbie. I barely made it through eight hours and I used to be in the SAS, I spent a month in a deep green forest once hunting down a war criminal, we played a game of cat and mouse with survival as the only prize and death for second place, I fought a hippopotamus and it was easier than what I did yesterday looking after that guy.”
“She’ll be right mate.” Robbie gave Paul a thumbs up as his mate slipped into what would be a two day coma.
Tom was waiting in the lobby, he didn’t sleep the night before, he was still living on Dubai time from the filming of Mission Impossible 4 several years prior. He had a T-shirt on promoting “A Few Good Men 2: Slightly Less Good Men” a movie Aaron Sorkin stopped trying to write after realising how terrible an idea it would be. He had a Frisbee in one hand and a can of red bull in the other. Robbie was not enthusiastic about this combination.
“G’day Mister Cruise, my name is Robbie, I’m taking over from Paul today. I’m going to make sure that you have the best possible day here today in Sydney before you go on stage tonight.”
“I don’t go on stage Robbie. My character goes on stage, I’m just the skin that he walks in.”
“Okay, well that skin is looking good today, have you put block-out on?”
“The sun and I have an agreement, I don’t get sunburn.”
“Okay. Well that’s great. Are you ready for a great day?”
“I am indeed, I think we’re going to go antiquing today.”
“Antiquing?”
“Yeah, there is this antique shop on the other side of town right next to a juice shop. If we run we can be there in about twenty minutes.”
“Aren’t there any other antique shops? Maybe ones closer”
“Sure, but I went there earlier today. They were all closed.”
“It’s seven in the morning, everything is closed right now.”
“Yeah, and I’m not back-tracking. We’re going.”
“Do you know what you’re buying?”
“Not yet. But it will fit on the plane or I’m going to have to buy a new plane.”
“You flew a private jet to Australia?”
“No. But I’m sure the airline wouldn’t mind a new plane if I need to shift something big. Saves me time finding someone to ship it over and saves them having to pay for a plane. Win-win.”
Robbie was discovering that Tom Cruise was indeed crazy. “Sure is.”
“Let’s go sport. We’ve a big day ahead of us. After we go antiquing we’re going to go to Rock Climbing at the Rocks.”
“The Rocks aren’t really rock-climbing rocks.”
“I know, I was there earlier, I got a guy with a bulldozer and another guy with a crane to sort it out, we’ll be climbing before the day is out.”
Tom was smiling literally a million dollar smile.
Robbie was panicking at the realisation that he was officially in over his head. “Okay Tom me old mate. We’re going to jog across the city to an antique place.”
“Run man, not jogging. Jogging is for lazy people who like to waste time.”
“Okay, Run across the city to an antique place. Then we’re going to the Rocks, which is on the other side of the city again.”
“Running.”
“Running the entire way.” Robbie’s knees started hurting at the thought.
“Carrying whatever we got antiquing.”
“So carrying something like an old Persian Brass Lamp or something?”
“I already have one of those, actually seven, one for each house on each continent. Whenever I rub one this weird voice tells me I’ve got three wishes. I tend to ignore it.”
Robbie felt that that might have been a slightly subtle attempt at a deadpan joke.
“I tend to ignore most of the voices in my head as well Tom.” He rubbed his temple. “And then after that?”
“We go climbing over the Rocks, get a quick juice from the Mango tree I planted last time I was in town and then go to Manly by kayak…”
“Bringing the antique with us?”
“No, I’ve organised for a helicopter to collect whatever it is from the top of the Rocks.”
“Okay, that the Rocks now has a top is interesting news, then at Manly?”
“We’ll go fishing, then we’ll eat whatever we catch. No cooking for us Robbie, just raw seafood, the only way to eat. And then a quick swim back in time for curtains.”
“Tom, that is a great plan, I just need to go upstairs and get my Kayaking gloves from my room.”
“I had a spare pair earlier but I sold them to this nice lady this morning.”
“How much did she pay?”
“A smile. Now I own that smile and she has gloves. It’s win-win.” He smiled slightly differently than before. “See that? I own it now.”
“Okay. So I’m going to go upstairs now, get my Kayaking gloves and… oh damn the elevator is broken. I’m going to go get them up the stairs. I’m on the ninth floor so this might take a few minutes. Just wait down here and I’ll be back before Six PM tonight I promise.” He started to move towards the door when Tom grabbed his shoulder.
“Put your promises back in your pockets Robbie. I’ll go and get them for you. What room are you in?”
“Room 812.”
“Like the movie?”
Robbie had no idea what he was talking about but decided to agree with him. “Sure that’s why I stay in that room, not because the theatre company shoved me in the only available slot.”
“Good to see a man who appreciates the classics. Tell you what I’m going to go up and get your gloves. However I have a slight issue with stairs. Have you ever heard of Bathmophobia?”
“Yes. Of course I have. What type of awful and ignorant person doesn’t know about such a serious problem?”
“I have it.”
“You have it?”
“Yes.”
“So you can’t go up stairs?”
“Or down them no.”
“I’ve seen you go up them in movies.”
“We use stunt doubles and computer effects. Every single time. I try to make up for it by giving 110% in everything else I do. But I just can’t climb those stairs.”
“So then I’ll just have to go myself. I might be a while, but we may have to skip Antiquing.”
“No Robbie, I’ll climb the outside of the building, break into a window and find your Kayaking gloves.” He put his hand swiftly into his pants pocket and pulled out an empty palm. “I took a promise out of my pocket for you Robbie, I promise I’ll get your gloves!” with that he ran outside the hotel.
Robbie wasn’t sure if this was a good thing happening or a bad thing. So he followed in time to see Tom had already reached five stories up the side of the building. “Remember Tom in Australia we have a ground floor then the first floor! Not Floor one and then floor two like in America!”
Tom paused and looked down. “Thanks mate!” He waved and lost his grip on the slippery gargoyle he was holding onto and fell.
Robbie didn’t even think about it and ran below him to catch him when Tom suddenly flipped in mid-air and fell upwards through a window somehow. Robbie held his breath waiting for some sign of life, terrified that he might have just killed Tom Cruise.
“Robbie, I’m okay, but I’m stuck on this floor. Can you send some tools up here, I think I can fix the elevator. Let me get Jack Nicholson on Skype, he’s handy with electronics.”
Robbie decided that the tools could wait a while and right now his biggest job was to make sure that the lift repairman didn’t show up before that afternoon.
The End.
My Day.
Pretty uneventful day today. I got up in time to get to soccer just as the game was starting. I managed to play a good chunk of the game this week which was nice. My knee kind of hurts still so I wore a knee brace for most of the game. We ended up losing 2-0 which was a shame. We had a few great shots on goal but nothing connected.
After the game I went to get some lunch at Hungry Jacks and then went home to watch Orphan Black which was, as always, freaking brilliant and left me eager for the next episode. After that I ended up playing some more of Grim Fandango, I'm finally on the last year of the game so it is nearly done and finished.
I made dinner for my dad and my brother, a nice bolognese with spiral pasta mixed through it and some parmesan cheese then drove my brother home to his place. Tomorrow is a public holiday and I'm going to be spending the morning going over and through my resume with this friend of my mums so I can get it looking less rubbish and possibly get a job.
YouTube Clip of the Day.
This song is so timeless.
For my writing club last year we were asked to write a story which had A Falling Star, An Old Persian Brass Lamp, A Broadway Musical, the colour Deep Green and with a Larrikin as the main character. So I did what I could.
Bathmophobia.
Bathmophobia: (n) The fear of stairs or slopes.
Robbie wasn’t having a great day so far and it wasn’t helped by the fact that the elevator was broken in the hotel he was staying in. He’d walked down nine flights of stairs to get to the lobby when he realised he’d left his watch back up in the room so he ran back up and then back down. Twenty seven flights of stairs in total and his day was just beginning.
His job was a minder, his client was Tom Cruise, and his day was going to be spent making sure that one of the most hyperactive actors alive was able to get to the theatre that evening to star in the musical adaptation of The Princess Bride. Robbie was covering for his mate Paul who’d spent the day before following Mr Cruise(“Call me Tom, or you’re fired. Just kidding. You’re fired anyway. Call me Tom. Stay frosty Ice Man and you can’t handle the truth. You’re rehired. Let’s go to the zoo!”) before nearly passing out from exhaustion.
“He’s insane.” Paul had told him the night before after he’d been called in as his replacement. “You’ll go crazy, we had to run everywhere, he ran to the train station and then tried to race the train to the next stop. He nearly won, I had to run behind him the entire way and after that he carried me on his back to the next station, where he actually beat the train somehow before we stole some bikes and rode to the zoo together. And when we got there he found out that some tigers were named after him, Cuba Gooding Jnr and Renée Zellweger so he got them on Skype and then ran into the tiger pit to show them both screaming ‘Show me the money!’ the entire time. After that we went to Circular Quay and busked for an hour singing ‘That Loving Feeling’ until we had enough money to buy a prostitute for this homeless guy, then, then things got really weird, suppressed memory weird before we finally got to the theatre and after all that Tom was barely puffed. Not even sweating.”
Robbie had worried that his less than active lifestyle was going to be problematic with his new employer. “She’ll be right mate. I’ve run a few times over the years, eventually I get there. All I’ve got to do is make sure that he’s at the theatre by six pm to get into his costume to play Prince Humperdinck.”
“Oh you barely have to worry about that, he’s nuts but punctual. He’d probably be better off without us, but the theatre company insisted on having someone to make sure he’s not hit by a car crossing the road.”
“Or have someone handy to blame for it if he does. I’ll make sure to pack some Vegemite and do some stretches.”
“You’re going to die Robbie. I barely made it through eight hours and I used to be in the SAS, I spent a month in a deep green forest once hunting down a war criminal, we played a game of cat and mouse with survival as the only prize and death for second place, I fought a hippopotamus and it was easier than what I did yesterday looking after that guy.”
“She’ll be right mate.” Robbie gave Paul a thumbs up as his mate slipped into what would be a two day coma.
Tom was waiting in the lobby, he didn’t sleep the night before, he was still living on Dubai time from the filming of Mission Impossible 4 several years prior. He had a T-shirt on promoting “A Few Good Men 2: Slightly Less Good Men” a movie Aaron Sorkin stopped trying to write after realising how terrible an idea it would be. He had a Frisbee in one hand and a can of red bull in the other. Robbie was not enthusiastic about this combination.
“G’day Mister Cruise, my name is Robbie, I’m taking over from Paul today. I’m going to make sure that you have the best possible day here today in Sydney before you go on stage tonight.”
“I don’t go on stage Robbie. My character goes on stage, I’m just the skin that he walks in.”
“Okay, well that skin is looking good today, have you put block-out on?”
“The sun and I have an agreement, I don’t get sunburn.”
“Okay. Well that’s great. Are you ready for a great day?”
“I am indeed, I think we’re going to go antiquing today.”
“Antiquing?”
“Yeah, there is this antique shop on the other side of town right next to a juice shop. If we run we can be there in about twenty minutes.”
“Aren’t there any other antique shops? Maybe ones closer”
“Sure, but I went there earlier today. They were all closed.”
“It’s seven in the morning, everything is closed right now.”
“Yeah, and I’m not back-tracking. We’re going.”
“Do you know what you’re buying?”
“Not yet. But it will fit on the plane or I’m going to have to buy a new plane.”
“You flew a private jet to Australia?”
“No. But I’m sure the airline wouldn’t mind a new plane if I need to shift something big. Saves me time finding someone to ship it over and saves them having to pay for a plane. Win-win.”
Robbie was discovering that Tom Cruise was indeed crazy. “Sure is.”
“Let’s go sport. We’ve a big day ahead of us. After we go antiquing we’re going to go to Rock Climbing at the Rocks.”
“The Rocks aren’t really rock-climbing rocks.”
“I know, I was there earlier, I got a guy with a bulldozer and another guy with a crane to sort it out, we’ll be climbing before the day is out.”
Tom was smiling literally a million dollar smile.
Robbie was panicking at the realisation that he was officially in over his head. “Okay Tom me old mate. We’re going to jog across the city to an antique place.”
“Run man, not jogging. Jogging is for lazy people who like to waste time.”
“Okay, Run across the city to an antique place. Then we’re going to the Rocks, which is on the other side of the city again.”
“Running.”
“Running the entire way.” Robbie’s knees started hurting at the thought.
“Carrying whatever we got antiquing.”
“So carrying something like an old Persian Brass Lamp or something?”
“I already have one of those, actually seven, one for each house on each continent. Whenever I rub one this weird voice tells me I’ve got three wishes. I tend to ignore it.”
Robbie felt that that might have been a slightly subtle attempt at a deadpan joke.
“I tend to ignore most of the voices in my head as well Tom.” He rubbed his temple. “And then after that?”
“We go climbing over the Rocks, get a quick juice from the Mango tree I planted last time I was in town and then go to Manly by kayak…”
“Bringing the antique with us?”
“No, I’ve organised for a helicopter to collect whatever it is from the top of the Rocks.”
“Okay, that the Rocks now has a top is interesting news, then at Manly?”
“We’ll go fishing, then we’ll eat whatever we catch. No cooking for us Robbie, just raw seafood, the only way to eat. And then a quick swim back in time for curtains.”
“Tom, that is a great plan, I just need to go upstairs and get my Kayaking gloves from my room.”
“I had a spare pair earlier but I sold them to this nice lady this morning.”
“How much did she pay?”
“A smile. Now I own that smile and she has gloves. It’s win-win.” He smiled slightly differently than before. “See that? I own it now.”
“Okay. So I’m going to go upstairs now, get my Kayaking gloves and… oh damn the elevator is broken. I’m going to go get them up the stairs. I’m on the ninth floor so this might take a few minutes. Just wait down here and I’ll be back before Six PM tonight I promise.” He started to move towards the door when Tom grabbed his shoulder.
“Put your promises back in your pockets Robbie. I’ll go and get them for you. What room are you in?”
“Room 812.”
“Like the movie?”
Robbie had no idea what he was talking about but decided to agree with him. “Sure that’s why I stay in that room, not because the theatre company shoved me in the only available slot.”
“Good to see a man who appreciates the classics. Tell you what I’m going to go up and get your gloves. However I have a slight issue with stairs. Have you ever heard of Bathmophobia?”
“Yes. Of course I have. What type of awful and ignorant person doesn’t know about such a serious problem?”
“I have it.”
“You have it?”
“Yes.”
“So you can’t go up stairs?”
“Or down them no.”
“I’ve seen you go up them in movies.”
“We use stunt doubles and computer effects. Every single time. I try to make up for it by giving 110% in everything else I do. But I just can’t climb those stairs.”
“So then I’ll just have to go myself. I might be a while, but we may have to skip Antiquing.”
“No Robbie, I’ll climb the outside of the building, break into a window and find your Kayaking gloves.” He put his hand swiftly into his pants pocket and pulled out an empty palm. “I took a promise out of my pocket for you Robbie, I promise I’ll get your gloves!” with that he ran outside the hotel.
Robbie wasn’t sure if this was a good thing happening or a bad thing. So he followed in time to see Tom had already reached five stories up the side of the building. “Remember Tom in Australia we have a ground floor then the first floor! Not Floor one and then floor two like in America!”
Tom paused and looked down. “Thanks mate!” He waved and lost his grip on the slippery gargoyle he was holding onto and fell.
Robbie didn’t even think about it and ran below him to catch him when Tom suddenly flipped in mid-air and fell upwards through a window somehow. Robbie held his breath waiting for some sign of life, terrified that he might have just killed Tom Cruise.
“Robbie, I’m okay, but I’m stuck on this floor. Can you send some tools up here, I think I can fix the elevator. Let me get Jack Nicholson on Skype, he’s handy with electronics.”
Robbie decided that the tools could wait a while and right now his biggest job was to make sure that the lift repairman didn’t show up before that afternoon.
The End.
My Day.
Pretty uneventful day today. I got up in time to get to soccer just as the game was starting. I managed to play a good chunk of the game this week which was nice. My knee kind of hurts still so I wore a knee brace for most of the game. We ended up losing 2-0 which was a shame. We had a few great shots on goal but nothing connected.
After the game I went to get some lunch at Hungry Jacks and then went home to watch Orphan Black which was, as always, freaking brilliant and left me eager for the next episode. After that I ended up playing some more of Grim Fandango, I'm finally on the last year of the game so it is nearly done and finished.
I made dinner for my dad and my brother, a nice bolognese with spiral pasta mixed through it and some parmesan cheese then drove my brother home to his place. Tomorrow is a public holiday and I'm going to be spending the morning going over and through my resume with this friend of my mums so I can get it looking less rubbish and possibly get a job.
YouTube Clip of the Day.
This song is so timeless.
Click to view