I really liked this story. I liked the world. A touch of Firefly? ;) And I think that the writing was good, especially in the first two parts. The emotions were very vibrant. I think that the end was a little rushed, especially after the accident. I would have liked to see some more progression with them reaching the sex and also seen a bit more of Kris and the piano. But overall, it was a lovely story and I read is straight through. :)
Yes! There are several different sort of fantasy/sci-fi worlds I took pieces on, Firefly being one, The Giver, and Equilibrium, and a few others as well.
You're right the ending is pretty dang rushed, I would have loved to have spent more time expanding this last bit - but I had a little family issue recently. So I could rush or not finish XD
omg i read the first paragraph and i was like, "The Giver!" lol! this was very good. i don't usually like scifi/utopian au stories, they kinda creep me out, but this was good :) my only two problems were: 1) a lot of the sentences were run-ons and extremely redundant within the sentence. 2) you left out a lot of commas.
i'm just saying this as constructive critism because i'm very nitpicky about grammer and stuff. you are a good writer, and in the future i'm sure a beta reader could easily remedy these errors. (did this story have a beta?) keep writing cuz your doing great!
Ha yes! That first section was, I think, the most influenced by The Giver.
1. I'll give you there are a lot of runons, but it's sort of my style of writing, but the redundancy is definitely something I need to work on.
2. OMG yes! I fail at commas, they're like my kryptonite. Despite all the grammar classes I've taken and all of that I still cannot wield a comma correctly.
If I'd had more time for a more thorough beta I think this could have been a lot more polished, but yes time was short at the end. And I would have loved to have more time to give my beta and myself to edit this more.
Thank you though, for reading and your constructive criticism. I appreciate both :)
I really, really enjoyed this, and I'm thrilled that it had a happy ending (though I didn't really expect otherwise).
But it also hurt all the way through, and I can't quite decide whether or not you meant it to, or if I'm extrapolating. Despite Kris' complete acceptance of his fate and eventual happiness with Adam, and all the talk of the Clerics making perfect matches, it reads as a very dark system - slavery, really. There's the talk of people treating their companions like toys and breaking them, Kris being sold to the Temple by his family, his inability to really function as a normal person with his own wants and hobbies when Adam doesn't want to give him orders... and was he actually trained in sex? I couldn't quite tell. My brain kept trying to read the Temple as a creepy cult that's brainwashing children, even though Kris comments about his training being quite straightforward and normal most of the time.
There is certainly an element of that in the fic. Kris is a product of the society he was raised in and so he has never taken issue with the idea of being a companion, or the idea of training or any of that
( ... )
Oh, good. I'm just glad I wasn't misreading things. In some ways this can also be read as Adam's journey in accepting the mores of his society as well as his family's deaths... and I have no idea where these deep thoughts are coming from, so take this as a huge compliment to your writing. I'm usually not very good at picking out either undercurrents or authorial intent.
I'll definitely be interested in reading more in this world.
I love that this is giving you deep thoughts. These are exactly the type of things I'd have loved to explore more if I'd had the time, I think though they'll be better served done in smaller portions to really give them a chance to develop the way I'd like them to.
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You're right the ending is pretty dang rushed, I would have loved to have spent more time expanding this last bit - but I had a little family issue recently. So I could rush or not finish XD
But I'm glad you liked it despite it's faults.
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this was very good. i don't usually like scifi/utopian au stories, they kinda creep me out, but this was good :)
my only two problems were:
1) a lot of the sentences were run-ons and extremely redundant within the sentence.
2) you left out a lot of commas.
i'm just saying this as constructive critism because i'm very nitpicky about grammer and stuff. you are a good writer, and in the future i'm sure a beta reader could easily remedy these errors. (did this story have a beta?)
keep writing cuz your doing great!
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1. I'll give you there are a lot of runons, but it's sort of my style of writing, but the redundancy is definitely something I need to work on.
2. OMG yes! I fail at commas, they're like my kryptonite. Despite all the grammar classes I've taken and all of that I still cannot wield a comma correctly.
If I'd had more time for a more thorough beta I think this could have been a lot more polished, but yes time was short at the end. And I would have loved to have more time to give my beta and myself to edit this more.
Thank you though, for reading and your constructive criticism. I appreciate both :)
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great job!!!
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But it also hurt all the way through, and I can't quite decide whether or not you meant it to, or if I'm extrapolating. Despite Kris' complete acceptance of his fate and eventual happiness with Adam, and all the talk of the Clerics making perfect matches, it reads as a very dark system - slavery, really. There's the talk of people treating their companions like toys and breaking them, Kris being sold to the Temple by his family, his inability to really function as a normal person with his own wants and hobbies when Adam doesn't want to give him orders... and was he actually trained in sex? I couldn't quite tell. My brain kept trying to read the Temple as a creepy cult that's brainwashing children, even though Kris comments about his training being quite straightforward and normal most of the time.
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I'll definitely be interested in reading more in this world.
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