this is an... interesting story, to say the least on one hand, i like the simple, almost free-verse poetic feel to it. and giovanni/red? unf. one of my guilty pleasure pairings right there. ;) on the other hand, this fic is quite befuddling at certain parts. a) i'm not actually seeing any giovanni/red interaction...? there's one part that seems like onesided gio/green, and one scene that mentions onesided gio/red, but... idk. perhaps i'm mistaken b) i'm a bit confused as to why green joined team rocket in the first place...? c) in 05 & 06, it seems like the same speaker b/c of the "running out of tears" continuity, and yet... 05 seems like it's from green's POV while 06 seems like red's POV. jumping from POV to POV so quickly (like in 07) without any hint as to who is speaking makes this fic a little hard to read at times d) i'm assuming that red dies in the end, killed by giovanni, but... how? owo
i may just be overthinking this, but i'm genuinely curious!
also, there were a few awkward sentences here and there:
-I assumed Green joined because he was looking for Red, and found him, and chased him there.
-05 is totally from Red's POV. He's horrified that Green has joined. Giovanni is telling him that Green joined, and Red is going OMFG WHY NO.
Actually, the entire fic is from Red's POV pretty much.
-There are two Red/Gio scenes; the first one where he tells him to put it on (note how the RED R is ironic) and the second where Giovanni says "no I cannot break up the OTP I guess I'll just kill them"
"Former- is it" should probably read "Former- isn't it." Does that make it clearer?
-THE DEATH IS SUPPOSED TO BE MYSTERIOUS I think. XD
This fic is amazing and the stark simplicity of it is what makes it so powerful. I'm so moved. It's so mesmerizing and engaging. I want to read it over and over again.
I agree with all of wordsnatcher's concrit; you can make this story even more powerful, and you should. It deserves it; it's very close to being perfect.
--
Concrit: [01] Can you shorten the distance between "What are you talking about" and "Like I'd let you do that?" I feel like the beat is too long.
[02] Red screaming feels OOC. He's really not a person prone to any sort of loudness, even mentally, and even a whimper or a terrified glance from Red would speak volumes. Can you use a less-violent way to show his trepidation and fear?
The last sentence is pure beauty. A lot of your last sentences are.
[03] Because I am nitpicky--try taking out damp? In writing as minimalist as this, every unnecessary word is a distraction.
He respects them, and he will respect their choice. -- How does it read if you say "He will respect
( ... )
[10] If you flip the order of the first two sentences (and put them into a single paragraph), how does that read?
The last line is perfection, and when you mention something dropping in Green's chest, I felt it too.
--
...Please take the close concrit as a compliment. I meant it as one, and if it bothers you, I'm really, really sorry. Feel more than free to ignore anything and everything I've said.
This is so sad and beautiful. It leaves so much to the wild imaginings of the reader. You do so much with so little that it's honestly inspiring. I can't wait to see more writing from you. Excellent work.
Oh oh You helped so very much, thank you! I don't think anyone would take this much effort if they didn't care (I don't feel bothered at all, how can I when you're lavishing attention on my writing like this?)
I felt a bit transparent at parts though, because- it shows where I've struggled, doesn't it? -////-
I fixed most of these, but for some parts I'm not quite happy with I will return to later- my brain is lacking sleep XD
I absolutely adore having detailed reviews, so thank you again for yours <3
-Don’t ever think that a world without you is worth anything to me.
THIS LINE amnkfsgm ;-; brb sobbing forever
This fic was so emotional I don't even have anything more coherent to say right now. I've never read anything like it - the writing style is really fascinating, and riveting. Sometimes I was mystified, but I assume that's what you were going for here, and it all really worked!
The story kept floating around and wouldn't leave, so I decided to write it down. The style is somewhat experimental, and I expect I'll play around with others too.
Though there's a story behind this, most of it needs to be inferred. Leaving things to the imagination is fun too, wouldn't you agree?
Comments 13
on one hand, i like the simple, almost free-verse poetic feel to it. and giovanni/red? unf. one of my guilty pleasure pairings right there. ;) on the other hand, this fic is quite befuddling at certain parts.
a) i'm not actually seeing any giovanni/red interaction...? there's one part that seems like onesided gio/green, and one scene that mentions onesided gio/red, but... idk. perhaps i'm mistaken
b) i'm a bit confused as to why green joined team rocket in the first place...?
c) in 05 & 06, it seems like the same speaker b/c of the "running out of tears" continuity, and yet... 05 seems like it's from green's POV while 06 seems like red's POV. jumping from POV to POV so quickly (like in 07) without any hint as to who is speaking makes this fic a little hard to read at times
d) i'm assuming that red dies in the end, killed by giovanni, but... how? owo
i may just be overthinking this, but i'm genuinely curious!
also, there were a few awkward sentences here and there:
If I disappeared, ( ... )
Reply
-05 is totally from Red's POV. He's horrified that Green has joined. Giovanni is telling him that Green joined, and Red is going OMFG WHY NO.
Actually, the entire fic is from Red's POV pretty much.
-There are two Red/Gio scenes; the first one where he tells him to put it on (note how the RED R is ironic) and the second where Giovanni says "no I cannot break up the OTP I guess I'll just kill them"
"Former- is it" should probably read "Former- isn't it." Does that make it clearer?
-THE DEATH IS SUPPOSED TO BE MYSTERIOUS I think. XD
Reply
(and yeah, I should fix that "is it".)
The death is a part of this giant headplot, but taken with this fic only- it's pretty much a guess-for-yourself.
Thanks for reading!
Reply
i totally thought it was green in 04, which made the rest of it confusing in turn
i'm such a loser orz
THE DEATH IS SUPPOSED TO BE MYSTERIOUS
BUT I DEMAND ANSWERS DAMMIT ;p
(jkjk, it's actually better with the mysteriousness)
Reply
This fic is amazing and the stark simplicity of it is what makes it so powerful. I'm so moved. It's so mesmerizing and engaging. I want to read it over and over again.
I agree with all of wordsnatcher's concrit; you can make this story even more powerful, and you should. It deserves it; it's very close to being perfect.
--
Concrit:
[01] Can you shorten the distance between "What are you talking about" and "Like I'd let you do that?" I feel like the beat is too long.
[02] Red screaming feels OOC. He's really not a person prone to any sort of loudness, even mentally, and even a whimper or a terrified glance from Red would speak volumes. Can you use a less-violent way to show his trepidation and fear?
The last sentence is pure beauty. A lot of your last sentences are.
[03] Because I am nitpicky--try taking out damp? In writing as minimalist as this, every unnecessary word is a distraction.
He respects them, and he will respect their choice. -- How does it read if you say "He will respect ( ... )
Reply
The last line is perfection, and when you mention something dropping in Green's chest, I felt it too.
--
...Please take the close concrit as a compliment. I meant it as one, and if it bothers you, I'm really, really sorry. Feel more than free to ignore anything and everything I've said.
This is so sad and beautiful. It leaves so much to the wild imaginings of the reader. You do so much with so little that it's honestly inspiring. I can't wait to see more writing from you. Excellent work.
Reply
You helped so very much, thank you! I don't think anyone would take this much effort if they didn't care (I don't feel bothered at all, how can I when you're lavishing attention on my writing like this?)
I felt a bit transparent at parts though, because- it shows where I've struggled, doesn't it? -////-
I fixed most of these, but for some parts I'm not quite happy with I will return to later- my brain is lacking sleep XD
I absolutely adore having detailed reviews, so thank you again for yours <3
Reply
THIS LINE amnkfsgm ;-; brb sobbing forever
This fic was so emotional I don't even have anything more coherent to say right now. I've never read anything like it - the writing style is really fascinating, and riveting. Sometimes I was mystified, but I assume that's what you were going for here, and it all really worked!
Great job! sdgfd ;-; ♥
Reply
Though there's a story behind this, most of it needs to be inferred. Leaving things to the imagination is fun too, wouldn't you agree?
I'm glad you liked, thanks ♥
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