sexism, politeness vs protection, the end of college, etc., etc.

[abigail_nicole]

Lately I've been noticing, among college-educated, liberal-arts-degree males, more and more sexism. These are men I am friends with, men I respect, men I cook dinner for and invite to my parties. They are men I sit in class next to, volunteer with, participate in clubs with

Comments

[fpb]

I think you are a very intelligent person. Your remarks about what I'm tempted to call the double-ex - your ex and your new friend's - are right on the money. It is mere self-defence to avoid someone who has once given good evidence of being damaged and dangerous, and who, above all, would use being taken back as an excuse to avoid dealing with his own issues, and will inevitably visit them on you again. We all have issues, and we all have to work at keeping friendship and relationships together, but the difference is whether a guy does or whether he just assumes that the universe (especially its female half) has an unstated duty to accept him as he is. Really, that's the claim. I've heard a number of people making it: "Well, that's the way I am, and you have to take me the way I am." Hell no! Why should anyone? I speak as a person with more than my fair share of bad and intolerable features, from bad temper to snoring, when I say that nobody is under any obligation to put up with your bad features

[abigail_nicole]

Especially when you're well-read and educated, yes? These are men who love Melville, Hemmingway, Joyce, Tolstoy. I keep coming back to the same question, both in myself and others. When the problem is created from not thinking about an issue, how do your force yourself to think about it? How do you react to these situations in a constructive way?

[fpb]

Ah, the 64,000,000 dollar question. At the end of the day it's much the same issue as the double-ex' refusing to grow up. You either grow up, or you don't; you either become self-aware, or you don't; you either realize you have been acting like a comedy character, or you go on to become very unfunny. I don't know what the recipe is. Learning itself is no guarantee against it - I have met plenty of academics who behaved in ways that would make your friends blush, and quite a few uneducated people who had learned to treat others right at the University of Life. I can say a couple of things. First, there is an instinctive tendency among males, especially among young males, to huddle. If you have studied anthropology you will know all about young men's initiatic societies and Maennerbunde; but the habit of male herding does not have to be objectified in specific social institutions to exist. It is there, and it is especially a feature of male youth. Indeed, where it prevails with older men - where you see people in their forties or

[trouserminnow]

Wow, this entry was heavy and a good read. There' s so much here I don't think I could possibly address it all at the moment, but perhaps in the future. I think the issues you raise about sexism have a complexity that are a big part of the reason I'm not even going to delve into---I'm probably a horrible sexist, but it's a strange issue for me. I have worked in a bizz for many years that forces me to be side by side and equal with people of all colours and sexes (and believe me, there's a lot of gray area in there), but in day to day life it's a different animal. I'll leave that subject at that until I can spend some more time ruminating on it. I don't want to make any airs at being an elightened human or any such thing. It's ultimately my fault that I only partially overcome the stereotypes and social norms presented to me, but I haven't. We all have smelly farts in one form or another

[abigail_nicole]

Ye-es. I kind of hesitated about putting James Bond on there too, simply because it is not uniform; there are some James Bond movies I absolutely love, and then there's the one that ends with a "I thought Christmas only comes once a year" joke. But almost everything on that list makes it because it's something that, while I really like it (Heinlein especially), the treatment of women just bothers me in a way that I feel like I need to qualify my liking it. "Zach Braff is really funny and really good at getting you inside his head, but--" kinda way. "I loved High Fidelity, but John Cusack was such a misogynistic asshole," kind of way

[trouserminnow]

The thing with Bond is that he gets to be what a lot of males want to be: impeccably dressed, driving nice cars, around beautiful women, important to the safety of his world, and great one liners. I was weened more on the novels than the movies, but along with Hatchet, Treasure Island, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, these were important books to me as a kid

[fpb]

Reading slowly doesn't help me comprehend; rereading does.
Set that to music and sing it! Or, as CS Lewis once said: You can do something with a man who is ignorant of a subject and knows it. But what can you do with a man who says of a book, "I've read it," meaning "once", and thinks that settles the subject?

[fpb]

Oh, one thing. Pedantry corner, sorry. It's not AD NAUSEUM. It's AD NAUSEAM.

[abigail_nicole]

lol thanks

[anonymous]

spot on, Nicole. more on this in person. sorry I missed your party. stressssful liffffe right now...

~Ariel Farrar