Fic
Title: Machinations of an Engine
Rating: T for allusions to sex, and um, weirdness.
Word Count/Length: 953
Warnings: Erm, it's a bit saucy. And from the point of view of a car. And it's crack.
Pairings: Quattro/Alex, Gene/Alex.
Notes: Based on the premise that while the Guv's true love is the Cortina,the Quattro is obviously mad for ole Bolly. Thanks to snowgrouse for beta-ing. And encouraging. And inspring. And not running away when I told her I wrote a story about a car fantasizing about a woman.
Summary: Car meets girl. Car loves girl. This is the epic love story of the Quattro's love for Alex Drake.
The first time she stuck the key in my ignition, I nearly stalled. No one had ever been allowed to drive me before, save for the Owner, Guv, and I have to admit, I’d been fantasizing about this for a long while.
Ever since I first set headlights on her, I knew I loved Alex Drake. I remember the first time I caught a glimpse of her, as I squealed around a corner, expertly negotiating a hair-pin turn with some help from the Guv. There she was, all long legs, and a pert arse that I knew would feel good on my bucket seats.
When she had been bundled into the car, I realized she was more special than I’d first guessed. Unlike most of the Humans I had encountered, she smelled wonderful, not like Oxtail and fags, or stale whiskey and piss. She smelled better than new car smell.
Later, as she draped herself across my boot, all warm and fleshy, I knew that we could be good together.
We were partners, her and I. The Guv would drive, pushing me to my limits, and she would grip onto me, caressing me with her fingers. I was her reassurance, her rock, her hero. Anyone could see how much she depended on me.
Pretty soon, I began to fantasize about what it’d be like if she was my Owner. I imagined what it’d be like if she washed me, dragging a cloth over me, stretching full-length over me, her breasts rubbing against me. It was a marvelous thought.
And then I thought about her servicing my engines, jacking me up, and then sliding under me. I could imagine my oil dripping out, spilling onto her. I bet she’d be a whole lot gentler than the Owner, or the car mechanics he hired.
My greatest wish, however, was for her to drive me.
When she slid into my driver’s seat, I knew that today would be the day. She ignited me, and then reached for my drive shaft. She popped my clutch, and I shuddered into action. She shifted between gears easily, but expertly. She was a superb driver. Having only known the Guv, previously, I marveled at the way she gently adjusted my mirrors, and delicately gripped my wheel, executing smooth hand-over-hand turns that sent me going off in a whole new direction. It seemed like it would last forever, until finally she pulled my parking brake, and brought things to a halt.
I must admit that when she piled several bags of rubbish into my boot, I was a bit perturbed. However, she quickly removed all my anxieties by hopping behind my wheel once more. She had a big row with the Owner after all that, but on the plus side, he got me detailed.
From that day forward, I knew what heaven must be like. Heaven was being driven by Alex Drake.
Afterwards, I dreamed that we would run away together. Alex would steal me, and the Guv would give chase in an inferior car. We would outmanoeuvre them brilliantly, and drive off into the sunset. Then Alex would take me all over the world, to many of the places I had heard of; Leeds, Brighton, Scunthorpe, and maybe even the fabled Manchester.
I cultivated this little fantasy, patiently. I even expressed my kindness to Alex as best I could. I fancy I drove just the tiniest bit faster and more fuel efficiently whenever she was in my passenger seat.
And then, the unthinkable happened. The day started out normally. The Guv and Alex were catching Bad Guys. I was going very fast. They were honking at each other angrily, as they always did. And then a most horrible thing happened: the Guv and Alex kissed. I despaired.
I knew how these things worked with humans. First they’d smash grills together, then they’d knock each other’s ball bearings, then there’d be some honking, and then the Guv would throw the human out, handing them a handful of the slips of paper he called Pounds.
The whole thing tended to be rather violent, and confusing, although some of the other cars on the motorway had tried to convince me that this was all perfectly normal, and it was something that humans who shared garages did with each other.
This was a betrayal! Humans! With their pink fleshy weaknesses! Didn’t Alex know what I felt for her? Didn’t she know we had a life out on that open road? My engines seized at the thought of it all. Fortunately, as my engines chugged, the humans’ attentions were diverted. They disentangled their bumpers and fenders, and the Guv took an interest in my well-being.
“What have you done to my car, Bolls?” he asked, rumbling with discontent.
“Me?” Alex said, “I haven’t touched your bloody car.”
I shuddered as she took my name in vain.
“Well, it’s not working, now is it? Did you bump my gear shift?”
Alex murmured something that sounded suspiciously like, “It wasn’t your gear shift that I was bumping,” but I ignored her words that hurt.
Suddenly, she laughed and pointed at my instrument console, “It’s your own fault. It’s on ‘E’. You’re car doesn’t have any petrol.”
“What?” the Guv spluttered, indignantly, “I filled her up this morning!”
I cried my silent petrol tears, as the Guv radioed in for backup, bashfully admitting that his car was empty. They weren’t interested in each other anymore, and it seemed the crisis was averted, for the moment. When Alex gave my dash a gentle pat, I immediately forgave her.
Ours was clearly a pure sort of love, free from any front-end collisions. I couldn’t stay mad at her for long.
Rating: T for allusions to sex, and um, weirdness.
Word Count/Length: 953
Warnings: Erm, it's a bit saucy. And from the point of view of a car. And it's crack.
Pairings: Quattro/Alex, Gene/Alex.
Notes: Based on the premise that while the Guv's true love is the Cortina,the Quattro is obviously mad for ole Bolly. Thanks to snowgrouse for beta-ing. And encouraging. And inspring. And not running away when I told her I wrote a story about a car fantasizing about a woman.
Summary: Car meets girl. Car loves girl. This is the epic love story of the Quattro's love for Alex Drake.
The first time she stuck the key in my ignition, I nearly stalled. No one had ever been allowed to drive me before, save for the Owner, Guv, and I have to admit, I’d been fantasizing about this for a long while.
Ever since I first set headlights on her, I knew I loved Alex Drake. I remember the first time I caught a glimpse of her, as I squealed around a corner, expertly negotiating a hair-pin turn with some help from the Guv. There she was, all long legs, and a pert arse that I knew would feel good on my bucket seats.
When she had been bundled into the car, I realized she was more special than I’d first guessed. Unlike most of the Humans I had encountered, she smelled wonderful, not like Oxtail and fags, or stale whiskey and piss. She smelled better than new car smell.
Later, as she draped herself across my boot, all warm and fleshy, I knew that we could be good together.
We were partners, her and I. The Guv would drive, pushing me to my limits, and she would grip onto me, caressing me with her fingers. I was her reassurance, her rock, her hero. Anyone could see how much she depended on me.
Pretty soon, I began to fantasize about what it’d be like if she was my Owner. I imagined what it’d be like if she washed me, dragging a cloth over me, stretching full-length over me, her breasts rubbing against me. It was a marvelous thought.
And then I thought about her servicing my engines, jacking me up, and then sliding under me. I could imagine my oil dripping out, spilling onto her. I bet she’d be a whole lot gentler than the Owner, or the car mechanics he hired.
My greatest wish, however, was for her to drive me.
When she slid into my driver’s seat, I knew that today would be the day. She ignited me, and then reached for my drive shaft. She popped my clutch, and I shuddered into action. She shifted between gears easily, but expertly. She was a superb driver. Having only known the Guv, previously, I marveled at the way she gently adjusted my mirrors, and delicately gripped my wheel, executing smooth hand-over-hand turns that sent me going off in a whole new direction. It seemed like it would last forever, until finally she pulled my parking brake, and brought things to a halt.
I must admit that when she piled several bags of rubbish into my boot, I was a bit perturbed. However, she quickly removed all my anxieties by hopping behind my wheel once more. She had a big row with the Owner after all that, but on the plus side, he got me detailed.
From that day forward, I knew what heaven must be like. Heaven was being driven by Alex Drake.
Afterwards, I dreamed that we would run away together. Alex would steal me, and the Guv would give chase in an inferior car. We would outmanoeuvre them brilliantly, and drive off into the sunset. Then Alex would take me all over the world, to many of the places I had heard of; Leeds, Brighton, Scunthorpe, and maybe even the fabled Manchester.
I cultivated this little fantasy, patiently. I even expressed my kindness to Alex as best I could. I fancy I drove just the tiniest bit faster and more fuel efficiently whenever she was in my passenger seat.
And then, the unthinkable happened. The day started out normally. The Guv and Alex were catching Bad Guys. I was going very fast. They were honking at each other angrily, as they always did. And then a most horrible thing happened: the Guv and Alex kissed. I despaired.
I knew how these things worked with humans. First they’d smash grills together, then they’d knock each other’s ball bearings, then there’d be some honking, and then the Guv would throw the human out, handing them a handful of the slips of paper he called Pounds.
The whole thing tended to be rather violent, and confusing, although some of the other cars on the motorway had tried to convince me that this was all perfectly normal, and it was something that humans who shared garages did with each other.
This was a betrayal! Humans! With their pink fleshy weaknesses! Didn’t Alex know what I felt for her? Didn’t she know we had a life out on that open road? My engines seized at the thought of it all. Fortunately, as my engines chugged, the humans’ attentions were diverted. They disentangled their bumpers and fenders, and the Guv took an interest in my well-being.
“What have you done to my car, Bolls?” he asked, rumbling with discontent.
“Me?” Alex said, “I haven’t touched your bloody car.”
I shuddered as she took my name in vain.
“Well, it’s not working, now is it? Did you bump my gear shift?”
Alex murmured something that sounded suspiciously like, “It wasn’t your gear shift that I was bumping,” but I ignored her words that hurt.
Suddenly, she laughed and pointed at my instrument console, “It’s your own fault. It’s on ‘E’. You’re car doesn’t have any petrol.”
“What?” the Guv spluttered, indignantly, “I filled her up this morning!”
I cried my silent petrol tears, as the Guv radioed in for backup, bashfully admitting that his car was empty. They weren’t interested in each other anymore, and it seemed the crisis was averted, for the moment. When Alex gave my dash a gentle pat, I immediately forgave her.
Ours was clearly a pure sort of love, free from any front-end collisions. I couldn’t stay mad at her for long.