Comments | _survivors_: Will it ever end?

martialarts4lyf in _survivors_

Will it ever end?

Dec 03, 2005 02:07

You know... it's hard enough dealing with my own memories and pain from my assault. I mean... it wasn't so bad when I still had everything blocked off. But, I unlocked that a while ago. I can't lock it back up again. I have accept that I can't get away from it. I still remember that day. I kinda gave up, stopped fighting and accepted that I would ( Read more... )

physical restraint, remembering, molestation

Comments 9

sistahraven December 3 2005, 08:47:33 UTC

You're always welcome to vent.

I've been in a similar place before, feeling like it all was so never-ending feeling. If you stick with it, and apply the stubbornness to your learning (which I do all the time - "No, I WILL learn this coping technique!"), things definitely get better.

The time after you've unlocked new memories is always the worst. No matter how prepared you were for them, you have to make a few passes around the healing spiral before they calm down at all in intensity. And since they trigger the heck out of us, we end up hypervigilant - and we see *everything* around us that's dangerous or abusive. Ugh... it can be so overwhelming.

We're here for you. Grab a good soft blanket and some tea (or cocoa). We're sending you lots of hugs and love.

martialarts4lyf December 4 2005, 12:48:56 UTC

Uhg... yeah. That completely makes sense. I never really thought about it, but I did start to notice things more after I was able to remember everything. It weird though, because you can't remember what it was like not to remember. It's just confusing. The mind is such a strange thing. The way it can lock up vivid memories like that. But yeah, thank you for pointing that out. =)

sistahraven December 4 2005, 13:32:05 UTC

No problem. I've had years between flashbacks only to have two or three in one day before. And since my fiance is so kind to point out to me regularly how much more normal survivors are than the "normal" people, it's always nice to pass on that love.

The hypervigilance can be a real bitch. And yeah, it's kinda like all the time before it hits was just a big blur of nothingness. The real kicker is looking back and recognizing times when you were triggered and didn't know why - and realizing that you were triggered to a suppressed memory. ::hugs::

martialarts4lyf December 4 2005, 13:36:56 UTC

Yeah, I'm starting to do that now. When I look back on things I realise why they set me off.

But yeah, it's nice to hear that you really are normal. Most of the time for me, I feel so abnormal.

innana88 December 3 2005, 14:43:23 UTC

I really think everything sistaraven had to say was right on, so I just want to let you know that I read it, that I know what it is like to be so positive that you'll never get past it. It seems so overwhelming and like it coats everything you see or touch. Your desire to keep learning how to deal with it will help you immensely. That doesn't mean it makes it easy. It doesn't, but it will be what carries you through.

Hang in there...vent when you need to. We're here for you.

Sending you love and strength,
Lindsey

martialarts4lyf December 4 2005, 12:45:34 UTC

Thank you very much. ::hugs::

geminipoohsf December 4 2005, 12:37:41 UTC

I can relate, my stepdad molested me, and when I finally got the nerve up to tell someone, when my mom heard, she told everybody I was a liar and I was doing it just to get attention...and unfortunately for me, it got a whole lot worse...and knowing my mom knew, made things much harder, as an only child, it was up to me to satisfy his needs, or thats what i was told...Last October after I had what they call a "stress attack", my body went into shut down mode, and a few months later, I started to remember, little by little and i had to start over like a baby...if I didn't have this place to vent and a few VERY understanding friends, I probably wouldn't be here...its very tough to deal with things like this...I've come a long way too, but not near enough...lots of healing hugs to you :)

martialarts4lyf December 4 2005, 12:43:56 UTC

Thank you. =) I know what you mean though. The people on here have helped me so much, plus I have a couple friends around me who understand. If it wasn't for the support I dunno if I'd be here.

Healing hugs to you too.

geminipoohsf December 4 2005, 13:50:22 UTC

Yea, same here...but we gotta hang in there and hope that its going to get better...lots of hugs :)