I've had thoughts like that. Usually, it's just a brief, but definitely unwanted image or feeling that washes over me. When I've noticed it in the past, I've shuddered, shaken myself off and thought, "Ugh, horrible, stop it." And then it's gone. It doesn't happen a lot. I'd say maybe once every three months or so max? But I can still relate. And I don't think it's just the two of us, either.
I think what separates you or me from an abuser is the very recognition of these thoughts. The fact that you're posting and saying, "Hey, I have these things in my head and I want them out!" shows that you are not only self-aware, but also empathetic and concerned about those around you and how your actions affect them.
I also think the thoughts pop up because it's our subconscious' way of trying to take back control of a situation that left us psychologically traumatized. That seems natural enough.
You're not the only one who's felt this way, I doubt that you're even in a minority. I was abused in my early teens and had zero insight into how I felt about it or how it affected me. I was angry and abusive towards almost every human being I interacted with for years, including myself. I lived on the streets and fought, stole, vandalized. I used to go to nice neighborhoods and smash windows just because I was mad that they had "normal" lives and I didn't
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You're aware of your thoughts, and you're aware that following through on them would be a bad thing. You're not giving in to the thoughts, and that's good. It's one thing to think something, it's another entirely to actually follow through on it. So I think you're doing okay, really. You're not a horrible person. Maybe you're having these thoughts because it's what you grew up with, and it's a way for you to process the abuse, I don't know, but it's a guess.
I often fantisize about torturing my abuser. I'm angry. Are those select people your abusers? I think that's totally normal. We're angry, even if you don't realise it... so it manifest in your mind.
Maybe if you admit that you're angry, let it out, and try to work through it, the thoughts will stop/ lessen. They did for me anyway.
as the saying goes "you can't stop a bird from landing on your head, but you can keep it from building a nest there"- you can't control thoughts entering your head, but you can cast the thoughts down after you notice them and keep yourself from acting on them (which you are doing). you're not a horrible person, you're normal given what you've been through. it's common to think about abusing/overpowering someone else- we want to feel powerful after having someone else control us. it's a defense for us that makes us feel more safe and sometimes release anger and other feeling we may be dealing with. fantasy is powerful in it's ability to help us heal... we can control our fantasies sometimes, but we must keep them from crossing over into real life. for me, i never wanted to hurt someone else, but i did struggle with hurting myself- a control and punishment issue for me. you'll need to figure out what aspect of the thoughts your having is what you need to work through... why you feel the urge to do what you're thinking... do you
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I think what separates you or me from an abuser is the very recognition of these thoughts. The fact that you're posting and saying, "Hey, I have these things in my head and I want them out!" shows that you are not only self-aware, but also empathetic and concerned about those around you and how your actions affect them.
I also think the thoughts pop up because it's our subconscious' way of trying to take back control of a situation that left us psychologically traumatized. That seems natural enough.
*big hugs*
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Maybe if you admit that you're angry, let it out, and try to work through it, the thoughts will stop/ lessen. They did for me anyway.
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