what matters most in a relationship?

[_fool]

i've long thought it was maybe dedication or devotion, maybe communication or cooperation. and while all of those things are awesome and necessary for me to *enjoy* a relationship (of any kind--from work colleague to lover), i've recently come up against the lowest common denominator in my mind: respect

Comments

[vintagehandbag]

For me, the answer to this is basically the answer given in an episode of Dexter by half of a serial killing married couple. Dexter asks how they do it, how they say togoether, and she says "We have the same goals." I actually read a study that having the same goals is the single most significant indicator of whether or not long-term relationships will last. So, basically, I think that is really high up there. I also think respect is really high up there. No relationship can survive contempt.

[_fool]

same goals is key but i had not been able to distill it before! one of my superpowers, very akin to the "ability to find the silver lining in almost any situation" power, is ability to find that one thing to connect about so we can "stand looking in the same direction" as de Saint-Exupery said about love. obviously i don't need to love a temporary ally at the DMV in the same way i need to love a primary partner who should indeed share many or even most goals.

thanks for giving me a new way to look at relationship functionality. clearly i did a bad job last time and need to be more mindful next round, so that i fall in love with someone sustainable...

[kdaisy721]

"boys want to fix, girls want sympathy"
...so I am a boy? ;) (gentle teasing, here)

contempt is a relationship killer, absolutely true. documented, even, I believe.

for me, I think a good, worthy, healthy relationship has some level of understanding each other...one which is more powerful when no one else in your life understands you in quite the same way. hard to quantify (and I do love to quantify things), and manifests in different ways. but of the people that I consider friends -- not just acquaintances -- I think that I could either describe what part of me they "get" (or I of them), or at least demonstrate what they do that uniquely shows me that there is that understanding of me in them, and they in me.

holy God the pronouns in that paragraph...

[_fool]

fortunately, i totally get your pronounosity =)

understanding is important to me - a major life goal of mine. and many good friends i feel like i get almost completely, or anyway, the parts of themselves that they expose to me. and all of my best "work" is with people i really connect with. don't have to have them figured out completely, but enoughly.

strangely, in a romantic relationship, once i've figured you out too completely, i get bored. oh how many problems this has already caused as i'm back on the dating scene. i need to figure out how to break this to someone gently. "you are not a boring person. but i'm not...mentally engaged anymore due to thinking i've figured out too much of what makes you tick." it also speaks pretty highly to the awesome factor that both shaynabelle and dark_knightly rock!

this will require more thought.

[dawningday]

Apparently, the answers are pretty universal. Respect is fundamental, and shared goals make it a lot easier (especially in the long term). Mutual understanding certainly plays a huge role in the depth a relationship reaches.

Beyond that, I think clear communication is the next thing I'd add to that list. While some communication skills are universal (active listening, I-statements, etc.), there's a lot to be said for someone who shares your connotations and with whom you know what words mean.

[_fool]

yeah! dysfunctional communication plagued shads and me a lot. i kept wishing it would change, but we just had different styles. me: tell you everything i'm thinking. her: play a lot close to the chest and give non-answers to important questions. that was a warning sign i should have listened to as soon as it became obvious i couldn't convince her to do it differently (in a me-compatible way.) or accept that i could just never know some important things (was she hungry, what did she really think about me).

don't have to know everything, but have to know how to reduce suffering/increase joy and those kinds of things were key in my strategy.

[aprilstarchild]

One of my exes, near the end I just had no respect for him. I didn't get nasty to his face, but everything he did annoyed and pissed me off. Not just the stuff he did, but just...the way he was. The un-changeable parts of his personality, I just had no patience for them. It ended about five months too late, in retrospect. *sigh

[_fool]

that does sound good. i'm so happy you guys have so much fun together!

and yay love of experiencing life! our country is so full of total couch potatoes...more so in texas than up here, which is probably part of why i fell in love with the NW.

[tinyfroglet]

I think we're all going to agree that respect is important. The other quality I would list as incredibly vital to success is support. And not just lip service, like, "Sure honey, do what makes you happy." But the actual involvement, interest and sincere desire for success and happiness of your partner. Which can't be there without respect. But respect without support would be less than satisfying to me. :)

[_fool]

good call!