Comments | _fissures: old husks discarded, on old tides carried out.

_fissures

old husks discarded, on old tides carried out.

Aug 19, 2005 17:39

Some time last week during my recuperation from a cold I took the time to log into into viennawaltzing so I could read the old entires I had locked away last April. In suspension was the cyclic wheel of work, study, reading, music, errands - and coughing a little, a little blue - I pried open one great marbly eyelid of time to vanish within. And maybe it's ( Read more... )

le cirque, nostalgia and heartstrings

Comments 11

rainbowskin August 19 2005, 11:29:27 UTC

i know precisely what you mean. i recently re-read and compiled together all my journal entries since being starved and seventeen and yeah, that awe-- WE SURVIVED-- 'how did i ever manage to stay alive?'-- and the knowing even despite that, that it was the first(&onlyreal) time you were consciously high on life, attuned to every mad glitter and play of natural sounds around you. we're never going to get it back. and the writing, god knows where all that went. reading them makes me miss everything, miss everybody i loved so madly though those years. but i see those people again in this life (as if it weren't continuous, as if it were broken down into bits of a mirror, leaves of a petal, whatever) and it's all very different, like we're afraid to maybe remember too much in each other's presence, even alone. it's detached, sort of a chronic nothingness. we kiss and smile, dress as if we have no memory. there is absolutely no going back and no emotional need to. the curtains are closed, the future is beautiful but blank. i see ( ... )

_fissures August 21 2005, 06:52:41 UTC

finally, a spare moment to reply.

but i see those people again in this life (as if it weren't continuous, as if it were broken down into bits of a mirror, leaves of a petal, whatever) and it's all very different, like we're afraid to maybe remember too much in each other's presence, even alone. it's detached, sort of a chronic nothingness. we kiss and smile, dress as if we have no memory.

but how true that is! people - i don't know whether to divorce them from their memory, or to be disillusioned at their change. and they are nothing like to what they used to be (or what my memory has created of them, so the falt is posibly mine), so whenever i set out, determined to recapture some magic, i never do - i never even say a word of what my mind is thinking, so silencing is the aura of change and indifference that hangs thick between us.

the curtains are closed, the future is beautiful but blank.blanker than it has ever seemed before. when in the past i threw my mind forward, calling forth vistas of the future, i always saw it ( ... )

rainbowskin August 21 2005, 08:45:00 UTC

glad to be back, my dear xo

eien_infinity August 20 2005, 02:14:29 UTC

hahaha don't drink too much of that nectar my dear.

shall i see you on 6th september?

_fissures August 21 2005, 06:57:12 UTC

shall try not to, poppet. but it's hard - you should know its hard. i've always felt guilty over my friendships and ho they disintegrate and my alligator tears at the time and real tears that come later, only in celebration of what i remembered and not what was.

you shall see me on the 6th though i am seething that i'm not getting a medal for extension english. i can't believe they would demarcate between my fifty and another fifty. personally i think only the hsc mark should count (in the perfect world, only external marks would count - for me) but i can concede to hsc marks. however, what is your dux medal called? mine's 'the dudley macdonald prize' - i haven't a clue who that is, i just hope it's the new one.

last note: i went to the usyd law ball last night and it was glorious and grand. when's your med ball? i hope you intend to go and if you do, you should take photos.

eien_infinity August 21 2005, 09:15:29 UTC

oh you do sound angsty. if it helps, jenny got both phys and chem
and i can't figure out why other than by virtue of her being adored by science fac. anyway, it doesn't worry me as long as i can stand on the stage and gloat at all the 4u maths suckers out there.

/no offence.

and no i'm not going to medball, i went to medshow on friday night though. how was lawball? heard it was a good theme this year.

_fissures August 21 2005, 09:45:41 UTC

the most ridiculous thing is that i'm geting a medal for history extension, the last medal on earth that i want because i am still shamed over how horrendously i managed to do. it all feels like mockery. and i can't believe you would loop me in with the other 4u fuckers - like, wtf is a 4u fucker anyhow? i'm currently in love with maths prodigies, so don't provoke me. frowns and because of that strange love for people who were born to burden their minds with abstract mathematical thought (and sitting in on maths workshops at work) i'm actually missing maths. i feel myself getting stupider because i know less than i did in the final weeks of october last year ( ... )

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