You got me good, just like I knew you would...
Been a month since I’ve seen you, Bam. Where have you been?
I notice you screen my calls and ignore my e-mails. Why?
See, right now you’re sleeping in your bed in Castle Bam and are completely unaware I’m snooping through your office to find out why you’ve been avoiding me.
I wonder what you’ll say when you find me. Will you be happy I’ve come to visit?
Or will you be something else?
I can’t stop thinking about that momentary flash of hurt on your face when I told you that night meant nothing. Or how I felt about saying it, and how similar our reactions are.
I’m smoking in your office, casually flicking through your editing projects and documents, trying to cure some boredom until you wake up. Maybe I should have come later than this. Four in the morning is really too early to expect anyone to be awake.
Something called Why me? catches my eye and I click it, rubbing the haze of pre-sleep sand out of my eyes and focusing them on whatever shows up.
Why me?
I have to wonder why I fell for someone who doesn’t love me. It’s only natural, right?
Maybe it’s karma. Payback for all the stupid shit I’ve done to everyone else.
Maybe it’s my comeuppance. I mean, I get pretty much everything I want. There’s got to be something I want that I don’t, right?
I’d trade all of it though. All of it. Even my skateboarding ability.
Just for him to take back those things he said after we fucked.
I can’t even think of speaking to him after how much they hurt. I ignore every attempt he makes, and it kills me to think that he has no idea what he’s done wrong, and I must be hurting him.
But I just can’t sacrifice myself anymore to be friends with him. And myself loves him too much to allow it.
Why the hell did it have to be me?
I’m on the second…stanza?...when I hear something that stops my heart cold.
Something I’d know anywhere, because it’s so very rare that anyone who hears it cannot forget.
You’re crying. Not quiet, barely there little hitches of breath like usual. No, actual sobs, ones that must hurt your chest and throat because they’re so loud and so harsh.
They hurt me just as much. I close your little rant on the computer and stand quickly, hurrying down the hall toward where the noise is coming from.
I run into Ryan first; he’s coming back from the bathroom and he stops to listen, too, biting his lip at the obvious pain you’re going through. It’s clear he wants to be the great friend he always is and go comfort you, but he doesn’t know how.
Whatever you’re crying about is causing you a great deal of hurt, and I sense you want to be alone, but I can’t stop myself from pushing open the door and stepping into your room, watching as your shoulders shake spastically and wanting to plug my ears because your sobs are so painful.
You’re holding something tight to you and I can’t help but smile when I see what it is. It’s the Iggy Pop jacket that I gave to you, and your face is buried in the cloth, wetting it with the tears pouring down your cheeks.
“Bammie?” I whisper, gently sitting on your bed and resting my hand on your back. God, I wish you’d wake up and stop crying.
“Sweetheart, please wake up…” I shake your shoulders lightly and bend down to kiss your cheek, feeling you stir against my lips.
“Mm, mm…Ville? No, wait, you’re not Ville. You’re a dream, right?”
I raise an eyebrow. What exactly do you mean by that, love? You’ve been dreaming about me?
You smile and tug at my arm until I’m lying next to you, cuddling close to my body and holding me tight around the waist.
“Mmm, just let me sleep with you for a while longer, then I promise I’ll wake up and face reality.”
Everything you’re saying is so confusing, and hell, it’s four in the morning, so whatever. If you want to sleep with me, that’s what you’re going to get.
I hold you close and gently pet your hair as you lie on my chest, breathing deeply into my neck, and that same breathing has me sleeping before I even know I want to.
*
Soft sobs, your sobs, wake me what feels like hours later.
I crack open my eyes and watch through the slits as you bury your face in your knees and keep crying, a large wet spot starting to form on your pants from where your tears fall.
What’s got you so distraught, Bammie? I’ve never seen you cry twice in one day, and it worries me. Is it me? Is it because I’m sleeping here? Should I leave?
I can’t find out unless you know I’m awake, so slowly, I sit up, leaning back against your headboard as I place my hand on your knee and rub gently to get your attention.
Your eyes are bloodshot and I can see your heartbreak in them when you lift them to mine. Your cheeks are pale and streaked with tears, tears you continue to shed even as you stare at me incredulously.
“Bam, love, what’s going on? What’re you crying for?”
You shake your head and bury it back in your knees, clutching the edges of your pant legs as you cry some more.
“Sweetheart, I’m really starting to worry about you. What’s made you so sad?” I move my hand from your knee to your shoulder and gently rub there, too, trying to relax you enough so you’ll speak to me.
You shake your head, and refuse to turn it toward me, keeping it right where it is on your knees.
I try a different approach; yes, I know I should just leave it, but this is you we’re talking about. I’ve never been able to do what I should when it comes to you.
“Does it have something to do with all those calls of mine you haven’t answered?” I ask quietly, still gently massaging your shoulder.
Your sharp inhale answers for you, and your head comes up from your knees again, puffy eyes piercing right through me.
“I couldn’t,” you say in your defense, biting your lip as I nod in understanding I don’t feel.
“Why couldn’t you?” I’m wondering, and you shake your head again, but I lift your chin with one finger before you can put it back on your knees. You’re not hiding this from me; if it’s what I think it is, you’ll never have to hide it from me again.
“Meant nothing,” you mumble, and my heart almost stops, because I know exactly what you mean by that. That flash of hurt, the one I dismissed so easily? It was, as I suspected, the only thing you did that showed how you really felt about that night.
“Oh, Bam…” I murmur, unable to stop myself pulling you gently toward me and into my arms. I curl them around your still shaking body and rock you back and forth slowly, lips pressed to your hair.
That’s the last time I don’t follow my instinct. I’ve hurt you so much without even trying, and it’s written all over your face how much the way I’m acting now confuses you.
“Sweetheart, no,” I tell you, shifting you up to sit in my lap as I whisper in your ear. “Bam, it meant everything to me. I lied for your sake, darling.”
Your body twists in my lap and your face shows your regret. “What did I say to make you think you needed to?”
You know, love, looking back, I can’t think of a thing that was you saying it didn’t mean anything to you. You were looking for what it meant to me, weren’t you, when you asked me all those questions.
Oh, I read you so wrong, and we wasted so much time because of my stupidity. If only I’d paid more attention, or told you how I really felt.
I breathe out in a rush of pain, clutching you tighter to me. “Nothing, my love, nothing. It was just me being a n’idiot.”
Your head falls back to rest on my shoulder and you place a kiss to my jaw, softly sighing. “I love you so much, and it hurt so bad to hear you say you didn’t, Ville. I had to ignore you, don’t you see?”
I do see, Bammie, and I’m sorry I can’t tell you so, but I’m again reeling from something you’ve said, this time something I’ve been waiting to hear for years.
You love me. Jesus, I could start singing sappy love songs right now.
I won’t, though, even though I know you’d love me to. You’re always saying how much you love my voice, and my band is your favorite for a reason.
Instead, I rest my palms under your shirt on your warm stomach and kiss your cheek, whispering, “I love you, too, darling.”
A tear hits my arm. Mine or yours? I’m not sure.
But I am sure that I could hold you forever, Bam, especially now that you want me to.
***
Yes! I've finished another! *cue triumphant music* LOVE YOU ALL! Your comments make my life worth living. Leave me some more and keep it that way? :)
I notice you screen my calls and ignore my e-mails. Why?
See, right now you’re sleeping in your bed in Castle Bam and are completely unaware I’m snooping through your office to find out why you’ve been avoiding me.
I wonder what you’ll say when you find me. Will you be happy I’ve come to visit?
Or will you be something else?
I can’t stop thinking about that momentary flash of hurt on your face when I told you that night meant nothing. Or how I felt about saying it, and how similar our reactions are.
I’m smoking in your office, casually flicking through your editing projects and documents, trying to cure some boredom until you wake up. Maybe I should have come later than this. Four in the morning is really too early to expect anyone to be awake.
Something called Why me? catches my eye and I click it, rubbing the haze of pre-sleep sand out of my eyes and focusing them on whatever shows up.
Why me?
I have to wonder why I fell for someone who doesn’t love me. It’s only natural, right?
Maybe it’s karma. Payback for all the stupid shit I’ve done to everyone else.
Maybe it’s my comeuppance. I mean, I get pretty much everything I want. There’s got to be something I want that I don’t, right?
I’d trade all of it though. All of it. Even my skateboarding ability.
Just for him to take back those things he said after we fucked.
I can’t even think of speaking to him after how much they hurt. I ignore every attempt he makes, and it kills me to think that he has no idea what he’s done wrong, and I must be hurting him.
But I just can’t sacrifice myself anymore to be friends with him. And myself loves him too much to allow it.
Why the hell did it have to be me?
I’m on the second…stanza?...when I hear something that stops my heart cold.
Something I’d know anywhere, because it’s so very rare that anyone who hears it cannot forget.
You’re crying. Not quiet, barely there little hitches of breath like usual. No, actual sobs, ones that must hurt your chest and throat because they’re so loud and so harsh.
They hurt me just as much. I close your little rant on the computer and stand quickly, hurrying down the hall toward where the noise is coming from.
I run into Ryan first; he’s coming back from the bathroom and he stops to listen, too, biting his lip at the obvious pain you’re going through. It’s clear he wants to be the great friend he always is and go comfort you, but he doesn’t know how.
Whatever you’re crying about is causing you a great deal of hurt, and I sense you want to be alone, but I can’t stop myself from pushing open the door and stepping into your room, watching as your shoulders shake spastically and wanting to plug my ears because your sobs are so painful.
You’re holding something tight to you and I can’t help but smile when I see what it is. It’s the Iggy Pop jacket that I gave to you, and your face is buried in the cloth, wetting it with the tears pouring down your cheeks.
“Bammie?” I whisper, gently sitting on your bed and resting my hand on your back. God, I wish you’d wake up and stop crying.
“Sweetheart, please wake up…” I shake your shoulders lightly and bend down to kiss your cheek, feeling you stir against my lips.
“Mm, mm…Ville? No, wait, you’re not Ville. You’re a dream, right?”
I raise an eyebrow. What exactly do you mean by that, love? You’ve been dreaming about me?
You smile and tug at my arm until I’m lying next to you, cuddling close to my body and holding me tight around the waist.
“Mmm, just let me sleep with you for a while longer, then I promise I’ll wake up and face reality.”
Everything you’re saying is so confusing, and hell, it’s four in the morning, so whatever. If you want to sleep with me, that’s what you’re going to get.
I hold you close and gently pet your hair as you lie on my chest, breathing deeply into my neck, and that same breathing has me sleeping before I even know I want to.
*
Soft sobs, your sobs, wake me what feels like hours later.
I crack open my eyes and watch through the slits as you bury your face in your knees and keep crying, a large wet spot starting to form on your pants from where your tears fall.
What’s got you so distraught, Bammie? I’ve never seen you cry twice in one day, and it worries me. Is it me? Is it because I’m sleeping here? Should I leave?
I can’t find out unless you know I’m awake, so slowly, I sit up, leaning back against your headboard as I place my hand on your knee and rub gently to get your attention.
Your eyes are bloodshot and I can see your heartbreak in them when you lift them to mine. Your cheeks are pale and streaked with tears, tears you continue to shed even as you stare at me incredulously.
“Bam, love, what’s going on? What’re you crying for?”
You shake your head and bury it back in your knees, clutching the edges of your pant legs as you cry some more.
“Sweetheart, I’m really starting to worry about you. What’s made you so sad?” I move my hand from your knee to your shoulder and gently rub there, too, trying to relax you enough so you’ll speak to me.
You shake your head, and refuse to turn it toward me, keeping it right where it is on your knees.
I try a different approach; yes, I know I should just leave it, but this is you we’re talking about. I’ve never been able to do what I should when it comes to you.
“Does it have something to do with all those calls of mine you haven’t answered?” I ask quietly, still gently massaging your shoulder.
Your sharp inhale answers for you, and your head comes up from your knees again, puffy eyes piercing right through me.
“I couldn’t,” you say in your defense, biting your lip as I nod in understanding I don’t feel.
“Why couldn’t you?” I’m wondering, and you shake your head again, but I lift your chin with one finger before you can put it back on your knees. You’re not hiding this from me; if it’s what I think it is, you’ll never have to hide it from me again.
“Meant nothing,” you mumble, and my heart almost stops, because I know exactly what you mean by that. That flash of hurt, the one I dismissed so easily? It was, as I suspected, the only thing you did that showed how you really felt about that night.
“Oh, Bam…” I murmur, unable to stop myself pulling you gently toward me and into my arms. I curl them around your still shaking body and rock you back and forth slowly, lips pressed to your hair.
That’s the last time I don’t follow my instinct. I’ve hurt you so much without even trying, and it’s written all over your face how much the way I’m acting now confuses you.
“Sweetheart, no,” I tell you, shifting you up to sit in my lap as I whisper in your ear. “Bam, it meant everything to me. I lied for your sake, darling.”
Your body twists in my lap and your face shows your regret. “What did I say to make you think you needed to?”
You know, love, looking back, I can’t think of a thing that was you saying it didn’t mean anything to you. You were looking for what it meant to me, weren’t you, when you asked me all those questions.
Oh, I read you so wrong, and we wasted so much time because of my stupidity. If only I’d paid more attention, or told you how I really felt.
I breathe out in a rush of pain, clutching you tighter to me. “Nothing, my love, nothing. It was just me being a n’idiot.”
Your head falls back to rest on my shoulder and you place a kiss to my jaw, softly sighing. “I love you so much, and it hurt so bad to hear you say you didn’t, Ville. I had to ignore you, don’t you see?”
I do see, Bammie, and I’m sorry I can’t tell you so, but I’m again reeling from something you’ve said, this time something I’ve been waiting to hear for years.
You love me. Jesus, I could start singing sappy love songs right now.
I won’t, though, even though I know you’d love me to. You’re always saying how much you love my voice, and my band is your favorite for a reason.
Instead, I rest my palms under your shirt on your warm stomach and kiss your cheek, whispering, “I love you, too, darling.”
A tear hits my arm. Mine or yours? I’m not sure.
But I am sure that I could hold you forever, Bam, especially now that you want me to.
***
Yes! I've finished another! *cue triumphant music* LOVE YOU ALL! Your comments make my life worth living. Leave me some more and keep it that way? :)