(no subject)
Yelp...so here is my song fic entry...sorry in advance.
Title: Savin' me
Author: sweet_666_777
Pairing: Vam
Rating: PG-13 (?)
Disclaimer: This is pure fiction that came from my fucked up head.
Prison gates won’t open up for me
On these hands and knees I’m crawlin’
Oh, I reach for you
Well I’m terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can’t hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I’m callin’
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I’m fallin’
I had gone from idolizing him to loving him with out even realizing it at first. It took me quite a while to understand and accept that I had fallen in love with him. Someone that was one of my closets friends, I just couldn’t believe it at first…I didn’t want to believe it. But I eventually accepted it. But I locked it away, I locked away my heart and soul so I wouldn’t act on my feelings for him. I was too afraid if I acted on them what it might cost me in the long run. I was too afraid to lose him. Too afraid that my love would make him run away. And I couldn’t do that…I needed him. He was the bright light in my darkness, he made me feel a hundred times better by him just being near me, and I couldn’t lose that…I just couldn’t, too late now though, I suppose I’ve fucked up everything now…
It all started less than a day ago after he broke up with Jonna. He called me after It happened, said he wanted me to fly over, he wanted to celebrate the loss of the “nagging winch” and of course I dropped everything. I left Missy on my front porch with a pissed off look on her face, her shots fallowing my as I spun off in the lambo. I flew the damn near 15 hour flight over here to see him and make sure he got properly shittossed, like a good friend should. I always thought that Jonna was an ok person despite the fact that she was with the one person I wanted and couldn’t have…but Ville felt differently evidently...or at least he did now. When I arrived at the airport I could tell that it was starting to turn spring. The snow was starting to melt away and the air was not as frigged, and I was very thankful for it in nothing but my jeans t-shirt and a light weight jacket to keep out the cold. I took a cab to his place and called him before I got there so that I wouldn’t have to wait for-fucking-ever for him to answer the door in the cold.
When I got there he opened they door and screamed: “Bammie!” and threw his arms around me in a tight hug. I let a sigh escape my lips at feeling the closeness of his body, the warmth felt like heaven. He pulled away with a smile on his face…and for the first time in a long time the smile reached his eyes too. I was getting ready to flop down on the couch completely exhausted from the long ass flight but Ville grabbed my arm before I could do so.
“Oh no Bammie, no sleeping yet, time to get drunk!” He said then more or less dragged me out the door gabbing his coat on the way out.
Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me
Four hours, way to many shots of my favorite guy’s Jack and Jim and a table full of empty beer bottles later finds me in one of Helsinki’s lesser known bars completely piss ass drunk with Ville leaning against my shoulder nursing a beer mumbling about something or another, I’m too busy trying to stay conscious to pay attention. But him poking me in my side and repeatedly calling my name made me come out of my haze and I turn my attention to him.
“Bammie you weren’t paying me any attention were you.” He says batting his eye lashes at me.
“Urmm …well no not really.” I reply
“Oh well not anything that important anyway, just talking about how pissed Jonna got at me and threw a vase at my head, the dumb bitch.” He said and then threw something onto the table, I look and see it’s a picture of Jonna, he was staring at it too, and despite his harsh words the look in his eyes tells me no mater what he says he misses her. It’s that look where if it was directed at you it would make you feel like you were the only person in the room even if there was a room full of people around you, it was a look of love and adoration…what I wouldn’t give to get that look from him.
I think I’m about to pass out I’m so tired and drunk, so I turn to Ville and say: “Ville listen dude you can stay or what ever but I’m about to die, so I’m gonna head back to your place to crash, before I pass out.”
He starts to scoot out of the booth and then offers me his hand as he says: “Eh I’m about ready to crash too so we’ll leave together.”
I take his hand and the simple touch made me dizzy…or it could have been because I had been sitting down the whole time I had been drinking and standing up so fast was probably not a good idea. I swayed a little and bumped into Ville almost sending him plummeting to the floor. We make it out of the bar with out falling down somehow and we start to stumble the half a mile to Ville’s place.
We some how made it to his place up the steps and into his place with out falling…too much anyways. Some how we both ended up on his bed both on our stomachs facing each other now arguing over who was going to turn out the light: “Come on Bammie please I’m letting you stay at my place the least you could do is get up and turn off the light.”
“You’re the host so you should get up and get it.” Is my reply
“But Bammie I can’t sleep with the light on so please turn it off?” He said in a winy voice.
“Well that’s your problem I can sleep perfectly well with the light on thank you very much.” I say and then turn my head and burry it into the pillow that smells just like the shampoo Ville uses. I breath in deep inhaling the sent, I don’t get the time to enjoy it because the next thing I know Ville hits me in the back of the head with a mumbled “Asshole.” I snicker and he must not have liked that much because he pounces on me and starts delivering rather sissified smacks to my back and head. I struggle back and soon I somehow manage to flip him over and now I’m on top tickling him, then out of now where Ville leans up and kisses me… and I just freeze. I have no fucking clue what the hell is going on I do know that I sobered up very quick like. I don’t move at first and then I feel Ville’s tongue lapping at my bottom lip and I jump away and end up falling on the floor, sprawled out on my back. Ville’s head appears over the edge of the bed.
“Oh come on Bammie it’s just a little fun.” He says with a devilish smile on his face.
“No I can’t do this, you’re drunk and you just broke up with your Fiancé for fucks sake… I can’t do this, it‘s not right.” I mutter the last line over again more to myself than him, because I need the encouragement not to give in…I can’t he wants to just fuck around and I can’t do that it would brake my heart worse than not being able to have him at all, for him to want to fuck and run…I can’t do it.
I’m broke out of my thoughts by the feel of warm lips pressed to mine again. I pull away again, and Ville has this bemused look on his face.
“ I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.” I mutter over and over and I think I’m about to have a panic attack.
“Why can’t you Bammie it’s just some one time only fun, come on it will be fun and you‘ll enjoy it.” He says still trying to talk me into it.
“That’s exactly why I can Ville…you don’t understand I can’t do this knowing that you would wake up in the morning to pretend that it never happened. I can’t let that happen…because…because I’m in love with you Ville. I have been for the past four damn years.” Why the hell I said that I have no clue, maybe it was the remainder of the alcohol still cursing through my veins or the lack of oxygen getting to brain from the on coming panic attack…hell if I know, but I did know that I just told Ville something that I have been trying to hide for the past four fucking years.
I look up at Ville and the look on his face is something of complete bewilderment, and he seems to have sobered up real quick… funny how certain things will do that to you. Then his mouth opens and before he says anything I know what ever comes out will not be good.
“Bam…I think you should leave, I mean fooling around is one thing-I‘ve done that with countless other guys…but this is…this is something that just can’t happen. I’m sorry Bam but I just don’t feel that way and I think it would be best for you to leave now.”
And my heart broke right then I’m surprised that Ville couldn’t hear it shattering into a million pieces. I quickly got my things without saying another word and ran out the door with tears falling down my cheeks.
Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me
With these broken wings I’m fallin’
And all I see is you
These city walls ain’t got no love for me
I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I’m callin’
And all I need from you
Hurry I’m fallin’
And that’s how I ended up where I am now…on the roof of the hotel that I checked into, looking down at the cars passing on the road below me. I know for what I’m fixing to do there is no way that I will be able to get redemption from the God that people probably think I don’t believe in and don’t care what it thinks, but I do care, I do believe. I was raised to and it’s hard to forget what you were raised to believe in. I know what I’m fixing to do is way beyond any other sin I may have commented in my short life but all of a sudden I don’t really care anymore.
I wish that he would come and find me, would come and save me from what I’m about to do…but I know he wont because I know things have changed now. He no longer cares about me, he is disgusted by my confession, and he doesn’t want anything to do with me.
I close my eyes and let the cold wind whip around my face. Behind my closed eyelids his face flashes. I see flashes of us drunk and on the bed for one of the making of the Wideos, I see me trying to teach him how to drive and the crooked smile on his face after he ran into the mailbox, and I remember the way his lips felt on mine before I flipped out.
I shift closer to the edge with his face still burned into the back of my eyelids. I slowly stand up and spread my arms wide.
Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me
All I wanted was him. I had him as my best friend before we both screwed up in our drunken state. I worshiped him, I copied him, his tattoos, the way he dressed …hell I even learned Finnish because of him. I wanted him to love me so I changed everything I could just to show him I could be what ever he wanted…all except his fuck toy that is one thing that I would not be. To know that things had changed so drastically for the worst, that I would no longer have him as a friend, as someone to lean on, I couldn’t stay here knowing that. I have a feeling that he might know what I would do after that fiasco at his place and he didn’t care; he wouldn’t come to rescue me
because he didn’t care.
I’m right on the edge now preparing to let go of this life forever, I called my mom and left a message on her machine that I loved her and to tell everyone I would miss them…I was glad she was gone and didn’t pick up because she would have known something was wrong and she would have talked me out of it. But not now, my mind is set this is what I’m going to do. I lean forward and all off a sudden I no longer feel the ledge beneath my feet it’s replaces by feel of wind rushing past me.
Hurry I’m fallin’
The last thing I see before everything goes black is his face, and the last thing to cross my mind is how I wished that he had come to save me.
Title: Savin' me
Author: sweet_666_777
Pairing: Vam
Rating: PG-13 (?)
Disclaimer: This is pure fiction that came from my fucked up head.
Prison gates won’t open up for me
On these hands and knees I’m crawlin’
Oh, I reach for you
Well I’m terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can’t hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I’m callin’
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I’m fallin’
I had gone from idolizing him to loving him with out even realizing it at first. It took me quite a while to understand and accept that I had fallen in love with him. Someone that was one of my closets friends, I just couldn’t believe it at first…I didn’t want to believe it. But I eventually accepted it. But I locked it away, I locked away my heart and soul so I wouldn’t act on my feelings for him. I was too afraid if I acted on them what it might cost me in the long run. I was too afraid to lose him. Too afraid that my love would make him run away. And I couldn’t do that…I needed him. He was the bright light in my darkness, he made me feel a hundred times better by him just being near me, and I couldn’t lose that…I just couldn’t, too late now though, I suppose I’ve fucked up everything now…
It all started less than a day ago after he broke up with Jonna. He called me after It happened, said he wanted me to fly over, he wanted to celebrate the loss of the “nagging winch” and of course I dropped everything. I left Missy on my front porch with a pissed off look on her face, her shots fallowing my as I spun off in the lambo. I flew the damn near 15 hour flight over here to see him and make sure he got properly shittossed, like a good friend should. I always thought that Jonna was an ok person despite the fact that she was with the one person I wanted and couldn’t have…but Ville felt differently evidently...or at least he did now. When I arrived at the airport I could tell that it was starting to turn spring. The snow was starting to melt away and the air was not as frigged, and I was very thankful for it in nothing but my jeans t-shirt and a light weight jacket to keep out the cold. I took a cab to his place and called him before I got there so that I wouldn’t have to wait for-fucking-ever for him to answer the door in the cold.
When I got there he opened they door and screamed: “Bammie!” and threw his arms around me in a tight hug. I let a sigh escape my lips at feeling the closeness of his body, the warmth felt like heaven. He pulled away with a smile on his face…and for the first time in a long time the smile reached his eyes too. I was getting ready to flop down on the couch completely exhausted from the long ass flight but Ville grabbed my arm before I could do so.
“Oh no Bammie, no sleeping yet, time to get drunk!” He said then more or less dragged me out the door gabbing his coat on the way out.
Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me
Four hours, way to many shots of my favorite guy’s Jack and Jim and a table full of empty beer bottles later finds me in one of Helsinki’s lesser known bars completely piss ass drunk with Ville leaning against my shoulder nursing a beer mumbling about something or another, I’m too busy trying to stay conscious to pay attention. But him poking me in my side and repeatedly calling my name made me come out of my haze and I turn my attention to him.
“Bammie you weren’t paying me any attention were you.” He says batting his eye lashes at me.
“Urmm …well no not really.” I reply
“Oh well not anything that important anyway, just talking about how pissed Jonna got at me and threw a vase at my head, the dumb bitch.” He said and then threw something onto the table, I look and see it’s a picture of Jonna, he was staring at it too, and despite his harsh words the look in his eyes tells me no mater what he says he misses her. It’s that look where if it was directed at you it would make you feel like you were the only person in the room even if there was a room full of people around you, it was a look of love and adoration…what I wouldn’t give to get that look from him.
I think I’m about to pass out I’m so tired and drunk, so I turn to Ville and say: “Ville listen dude you can stay or what ever but I’m about to die, so I’m gonna head back to your place to crash, before I pass out.”
He starts to scoot out of the booth and then offers me his hand as he says: “Eh I’m about ready to crash too so we’ll leave together.”
I take his hand and the simple touch made me dizzy…or it could have been because I had been sitting down the whole time I had been drinking and standing up so fast was probably not a good idea. I swayed a little and bumped into Ville almost sending him plummeting to the floor. We make it out of the bar with out falling down somehow and we start to stumble the half a mile to Ville’s place.
We some how made it to his place up the steps and into his place with out falling…too much anyways. Some how we both ended up on his bed both on our stomachs facing each other now arguing over who was going to turn out the light: “Come on Bammie please I’m letting you stay at my place the least you could do is get up and turn off the light.”
“You’re the host so you should get up and get it.” Is my reply
“But Bammie I can’t sleep with the light on so please turn it off?” He said in a winy voice.
“Well that’s your problem I can sleep perfectly well with the light on thank you very much.” I say and then turn my head and burry it into the pillow that smells just like the shampoo Ville uses. I breath in deep inhaling the sent, I don’t get the time to enjoy it because the next thing I know Ville hits me in the back of the head with a mumbled “Asshole.” I snicker and he must not have liked that much because he pounces on me and starts delivering rather sissified smacks to my back and head. I struggle back and soon I somehow manage to flip him over and now I’m on top tickling him, then out of now where Ville leans up and kisses me… and I just freeze. I have no fucking clue what the hell is going on I do know that I sobered up very quick like. I don’t move at first and then I feel Ville’s tongue lapping at my bottom lip and I jump away and end up falling on the floor, sprawled out on my back. Ville’s head appears over the edge of the bed.
“Oh come on Bammie it’s just a little fun.” He says with a devilish smile on his face.
“No I can’t do this, you’re drunk and you just broke up with your Fiancé for fucks sake… I can’t do this, it‘s not right.” I mutter the last line over again more to myself than him, because I need the encouragement not to give in…I can’t he wants to just fuck around and I can’t do that it would brake my heart worse than not being able to have him at all, for him to want to fuck and run…I can’t do it.
I’m broke out of my thoughts by the feel of warm lips pressed to mine again. I pull away again, and Ville has this bemused look on his face.
“ I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.” I mutter over and over and I think I’m about to have a panic attack.
“Why can’t you Bammie it’s just some one time only fun, come on it will be fun and you‘ll enjoy it.” He says still trying to talk me into it.
“That’s exactly why I can Ville…you don’t understand I can’t do this knowing that you would wake up in the morning to pretend that it never happened. I can’t let that happen…because…because I’m in love with you Ville. I have been for the past four damn years.” Why the hell I said that I have no clue, maybe it was the remainder of the alcohol still cursing through my veins or the lack of oxygen getting to brain from the on coming panic attack…hell if I know, but I did know that I just told Ville something that I have been trying to hide for the past four fucking years.
I look up at Ville and the look on his face is something of complete bewilderment, and he seems to have sobered up real quick… funny how certain things will do that to you. Then his mouth opens and before he says anything I know what ever comes out will not be good.
“Bam…I think you should leave, I mean fooling around is one thing-I‘ve done that with countless other guys…but this is…this is something that just can’t happen. I’m sorry Bam but I just don’t feel that way and I think it would be best for you to leave now.”
And my heart broke right then I’m surprised that Ville couldn’t hear it shattering into a million pieces. I quickly got my things without saying another word and ran out the door with tears falling down my cheeks.
Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me
With these broken wings I’m fallin’
And all I see is you
These city walls ain’t got no love for me
I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I’m callin’
And all I need from you
Hurry I’m fallin’
And that’s how I ended up where I am now…on the roof of the hotel that I checked into, looking down at the cars passing on the road below me. I know for what I’m fixing to do there is no way that I will be able to get redemption from the God that people probably think I don’t believe in and don’t care what it thinks, but I do care, I do believe. I was raised to and it’s hard to forget what you were raised to believe in. I know what I’m fixing to do is way beyond any other sin I may have commented in my short life but all of a sudden I don’t really care anymore.
I wish that he would come and find me, would come and save me from what I’m about to do…but I know he wont because I know things have changed now. He no longer cares about me, he is disgusted by my confession, and he doesn’t want anything to do with me.
I close my eyes and let the cold wind whip around my face. Behind my closed eyelids his face flashes. I see flashes of us drunk and on the bed for one of the making of the Wideos, I see me trying to teach him how to drive and the crooked smile on his face after he ran into the mailbox, and I remember the way his lips felt on mine before I flipped out.
I shift closer to the edge with his face still burned into the back of my eyelids. I slowly stand up and spread my arms wide.
Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me
All I wanted was him. I had him as my best friend before we both screwed up in our drunken state. I worshiped him, I copied him, his tattoos, the way he dressed …hell I even learned Finnish because of him. I wanted him to love me so I changed everything I could just to show him I could be what ever he wanted…all except his fuck toy that is one thing that I would not be. To know that things had changed so drastically for the worst, that I would no longer have him as a friend, as someone to lean on, I couldn’t stay here knowing that. I have a feeling that he might know what I would do after that fiasco at his place and he didn’t care; he wouldn’t come to rescue me
because he didn’t care.
I’m right on the edge now preparing to let go of this life forever, I called my mom and left a message on her machine that I loved her and to tell everyone I would miss them…I was glad she was gone and didn’t pick up because she would have known something was wrong and she would have talked me out of it. But not now, my mind is set this is what I’m going to do. I lean forward and all off a sudden I no longer feel the ledge beneath my feet it’s replaces by feel of wind rushing past me.
Hurry I’m fallin’
The last thing I see before everything goes black is his face, and the last thing to cross my mind is how I wished that he had come to save me.