x_tragedies
in
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Update: Drunk on Shadows Chapters 4 & 5 !
For those of you that wanted me to continue here is two more chapters. I think these are the best so far! Maybe the boys will work everything out! I said maybe *cough* *innocent smile*
Drunk on Shadows
Paring: Ville/Bam
Rating: NC -17 for substance abuse, strong language, and sexual situations ;)
Summary: Some times I think maybe it would be better to go back to that numbness...where it's safe and I won't feel the pain that life inevitably brings. Ville is struggling with addiction and an unhappy marriage. Bam is losing faith in love and is scared that he is losing Ville.
Disclaimer: I don't know them, don’t own, never happen!
If you missed the beginning the previous chapters are here - http://community.livejournal.com/__vam/1517368.html#cutid1
“Drugs Ville? God, the drinking was bad enough, but now this?” Bam said hurt and confused. He didn’t understand how could someone that had so much…. a loving wife, caring friends, a career, and fans that worship him do something so stupid.
“It’s not like I do this everyday. Just when I need it. I could quit anytime I want.” Ville said, the lie was more painful then he thought.
“What are you trying to solve with this shit anyway?” Bam asked, not wanting to know the real answer.
"I don’t know. Everything. Everyone. You don’t understand what it feels like to be me. I’m Ville Valo, fucking rockstar of Finland. I am a face on a magazine cover. I am told I can have anything, but then I wake up everyday and find nothing. The one thing that means anything to me I can’t have…” Ville buried his face in his hands feeling the tears start to fall freely down his face. He said too much.
“What? What can’t you have Ville….What could possibly be worth all of this misery…”
“I can’t…. I can’t have you, Bam. I can’t have you….I love you Bam. I love you so much I want to give up everything to be with you.” Ville let the words slip from his lips before he could stop himself.
Bam closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the cold tile of the wall as if the words Ville spoke hit him hard in the face. It was too much to taken in at one time and what he was about to force himself to say was his way to protect himself from the pain and the feelings of being lost that comes with a love like this. He couldn't allow everthing he worked so hard for just to have it fall apart.
"I can't return those feelings, Ville. You know I can't." He said, referring to his career and his future marriage. "Even if I could, I wouldn't. You're just a shell right now. You drink and party and judging by the stuff on the counter, you're doing drugs now too. How could I love you that way when you don't even love yourself?"
Bam hated himself for being so blunt, so harsh, but he didn't know any other way to get around this, to get through to him.
"I know it’s hard, but people deal with the fucked up reality of life every damn day without needing alcohol or drugs. Why can’t you?" Bam’s voice held a note of desperation for his friend.
Ville stared at the wall, ashamed, unable to look him in the eye. He wanted to hide. Bam couldn’t love someone so worthless like himself.
"I don’t know. I just can’t. I can‘t do it."
"Have you tried?" Bam asked, his voice faltering.
Ville pulled his gaze away from the empty wall and looked at the younger man with his tear stained eyes.
"What?"
"You know, just tried not taking a drink. Just tried dealing with this shit sober."
"You want me to stop drinking?" Ville asked in a strangled voice. Why did that sound so horrible?
Bam nodded. "Yes, you can‘t let this go any further. Look at you…you’re falling apart."
Ville snapped. He already had pressure coming down on him from the rest of the guys. He didn’t need this shit from Bam too. He thought Bam was the one person who would understand him, not judge him. Apparently he’d thought wrong.
"Well, fuck off. It ain’t gonna happen."
"Ville…"
Ville glared at him. "Don’t Ville me in that patronizing tone. I don’t need that shit."
Bam came closer, getting irritated. "I wasn’t patronizing you. I’m worried about you, that’s all."
Ville sneered. "Isn’t everyone? Just don’t, ok? I don’t need your concern. I’m fine on my own. Go worry about someone else. You love being the fucking hero so much go save one of your friends. Look at Novak, he turned out great. I don‘t know why I didn’t ask for help sooner"
Bam was too pissed now to be tactful. "No one else I know is drinking themselves into an early grave. Just you."
Ville shook with rage. "Get the fuck out. I don’t need this shit. I don’t need you!"
Bam stood his ground stubbornly. "I don’t want to leave. I want to help you damnit."
Ville lost all the very little self control he had when he picked up an empty bottle that he drank his misery away from earlier, and threw it against the wall narrowly missing Bam’s head and screamed...
"I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT. NOW!"
Bam flinched as the bottle whizzed by his head shattering to pieces against the wall. Tears filled his eyes.
"Fine. This is what you want. I’m gone."
Chapter 5 - And when the sky is falling
Mige heard the yelling and the loud crash in the next room and flew out his door, knocking on Ville’s door. He’d stood there staring at the door separating him from them, trying to make out what they were saying. The only thing that had come through clearly was Ville’s voice screaming for someone, Mige assumed Bam, to get the fuck out, and then the crash.
Mige knocked again, ready to break down the door if he didn’t get an answer soon. Then suddenly it was opened and Bam was standing there in nothing but his boxers staring at him with red-rimmed eyes.
"I heard a crash."
Bam nodded, but didn’t say anything. He just turned and walked back to the couch, leaving the door open behind him. Mige followed him in, looking around the room for Ville. He was nowhere in sight and his door was shut.
"Where’s Ville, Bam."
"Who the fuck cares. He’s a lost cause."
"Bam, where is he?" Mige asked again. His gut clenched, worrying something had happened to him. Bam was acting strange.
Bam sighed. "In his bedroom."
Just then Ville threw his door open and stomped out, fully dressed, only to stop in his tracks at the sight of Mige. The nightmare of earlier slammed back into his head and he fought the urge to run from the room.
"Oh, ain’t this just fucking perfect. Come for the therapy session too or maybe turn the rest of my friends against me!" Ville shouted at his best friend.
Mige tensed. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Ville pointed accusingly at Bam. "Turning Bam here against me. You did a good job. All sneaky like. What did you do? Pull him aside for some private meeting? Shove all kinds of bullshit down his throat?"
Bam stood and glared at Ville. "Fuck you! He didn’t say anything to me. I’m not stupid. I just watched you in the bathroom looking like some druggie that needed a hit. You need help."
Mige hadn’t seen this one coming a mile away. The two of them were so close, they never fought. What the hell? He looked at Ville. He looked like he was ready to put his fist through the wall or maybe even him . He wished Linde was here. Linde was the peacemaker, not him. He wasn’t good at this shit.
"Guys, calm down. Lets just sit and talk about this, ok?"
Bam turned his glare on him. "Talk? You want to talk? I don’t think so. He threw a fucking bottle at my head. In my opinion, there ain’t a damn thing to talk about."
Mige turned to Ville in shock. That was what that crash was? "You didn’t."
Ville ignored him and advanced on Bam, his fists clenched at his sides his voice low and eerily calm.
"If I’d been aiming at your head, I wouldn’t have missed."
Bam’s own fists clenched, ready to swing if he needed too.
"Your a fucking drunk. You couldn’t hit a fucking building if you tried."
Ville dove at him, but Mige was faster. He’d seen it coming and had quietly walked up behind him. He grabbed him and pulled him back against him, holding his arms at his sides with his own arms wrapped around him like a vice.
Ville struggled against him in vain, letting out a stream of curses that would have shocked a sailor. He was so angry he was seeing red. He was so mad he didn’t even notice the warm blood running from his own nose. After a few minutes, Ville finally gave up and relaxed in Mige’s arms.
Bam took the in the scene. He was still mad at Ville, hell, he was furious with him. But as he’d watched Ville and Mige struggle, he could see how much Mige cared and loved Ville. It was something he wished he showed Ville more of before all of this happen. Bam wished he could take a picture and show Ville. Maybe then he’d realize his life didn’t have to be as miserable as he was making it.
In a concerned voice, Mige asked, "If I let you go, are you going to attack him again?" Ville shook his head. He needed to get away.
"No. I’m calm now."
"Thank God." Mige let go of Ville and watched his best friend wipe the fresh blood from his face with the back of his hand. The crimson color started drying in his hair and on his pale neck. He wandered to the couch grabbing his jacket in a desperate search for something. He reached in the pocket pulling out an already half empty pack of cigarettes.
Ville mumbled something about needing to go outside, needing to be alone. His hand was shaking when he placed the blood stained cigarette to his lips.
“But Ville…” Mige turned, he couldn’t even look at his best friend he was disgusted.
“what? I’m a fucking grown man. Can I fucking smoke in peace or do I need to be watched like some nut in the psycho ward.” Ville managed to say, he thought he was suffocating in the room with the two of them breathing down his neck.
“I can’t stand here and watch him destroy his life. I can’t.” Bam walked towards the door. He hesitatd before he turned the knob.
“Bam…...wait!” Mige yelled after him.
“Let him go. I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone.”
*hands out tissues* I know it’s a heartbreaker. Comments are lovely or any suggestions on how I should fix this ladies?
Drunk on Shadows
Paring: Ville/Bam
Rating: NC -17 for substance abuse, strong language, and sexual situations ;)
Summary: Some times I think maybe it would be better to go back to that numbness...where it's safe and I won't feel the pain that life inevitably brings. Ville is struggling with addiction and an unhappy marriage. Bam is losing faith in love and is scared that he is losing Ville.
Disclaimer: I don't know them, don’t own, never happen!
If you missed the beginning the previous chapters are here - http://community.livejournal.com/__vam/1517368.html#cutid1
“Drugs Ville? God, the drinking was bad enough, but now this?” Bam said hurt and confused. He didn’t understand how could someone that had so much…. a loving wife, caring friends, a career, and fans that worship him do something so stupid.
“It’s not like I do this everyday. Just when I need it. I could quit anytime I want.” Ville said, the lie was more painful then he thought.
“What are you trying to solve with this shit anyway?” Bam asked, not wanting to know the real answer.
"I don’t know. Everything. Everyone. You don’t understand what it feels like to be me. I’m Ville Valo, fucking rockstar of Finland. I am a face on a magazine cover. I am told I can have anything, but then I wake up everyday and find nothing. The one thing that means anything to me I can’t have…” Ville buried his face in his hands feeling the tears start to fall freely down his face. He said too much.
“What? What can’t you have Ville….What could possibly be worth all of this misery…”
“I can’t…. I can’t have you, Bam. I can’t have you….I love you Bam. I love you so much I want to give up everything to be with you.” Ville let the words slip from his lips before he could stop himself.
Bam closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the cold tile of the wall as if the words Ville spoke hit him hard in the face. It was too much to taken in at one time and what he was about to force himself to say was his way to protect himself from the pain and the feelings of being lost that comes with a love like this. He couldn't allow everthing he worked so hard for just to have it fall apart.
"I can't return those feelings, Ville. You know I can't." He said, referring to his career and his future marriage. "Even if I could, I wouldn't. You're just a shell right now. You drink and party and judging by the stuff on the counter, you're doing drugs now too. How could I love you that way when you don't even love yourself?"
Bam hated himself for being so blunt, so harsh, but he didn't know any other way to get around this, to get through to him.
"I know it’s hard, but people deal with the fucked up reality of life every damn day without needing alcohol or drugs. Why can’t you?" Bam’s voice held a note of desperation for his friend.
Ville stared at the wall, ashamed, unable to look him in the eye. He wanted to hide. Bam couldn’t love someone so worthless like himself.
"I don’t know. I just can’t. I can‘t do it."
"Have you tried?" Bam asked, his voice faltering.
Ville pulled his gaze away from the empty wall and looked at the younger man with his tear stained eyes.
"What?"
"You know, just tried not taking a drink. Just tried dealing with this shit sober."
"You want me to stop drinking?" Ville asked in a strangled voice. Why did that sound so horrible?
Bam nodded. "Yes, you can‘t let this go any further. Look at you…you’re falling apart."
Ville snapped. He already had pressure coming down on him from the rest of the guys. He didn’t need this shit from Bam too. He thought Bam was the one person who would understand him, not judge him. Apparently he’d thought wrong.
"Well, fuck off. It ain’t gonna happen."
"Ville…"
Ville glared at him. "Don’t Ville me in that patronizing tone. I don’t need that shit."
Bam came closer, getting irritated. "I wasn’t patronizing you. I’m worried about you, that’s all."
Ville sneered. "Isn’t everyone? Just don’t, ok? I don’t need your concern. I’m fine on my own. Go worry about someone else. You love being the fucking hero so much go save one of your friends. Look at Novak, he turned out great. I don‘t know why I didn’t ask for help sooner"
Bam was too pissed now to be tactful. "No one else I know is drinking themselves into an early grave. Just you."
Ville shook with rage. "Get the fuck out. I don’t need this shit. I don’t need you!"
Bam stood his ground stubbornly. "I don’t want to leave. I want to help you damnit."
Ville lost all the very little self control he had when he picked up an empty bottle that he drank his misery away from earlier, and threw it against the wall narrowly missing Bam’s head and screamed...
"I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT. NOW!"
Bam flinched as the bottle whizzed by his head shattering to pieces against the wall. Tears filled his eyes.
"Fine. This is what you want. I’m gone."
Chapter 5 - And when the sky is falling
Mige heard the yelling and the loud crash in the next room and flew out his door, knocking on Ville’s door. He’d stood there staring at the door separating him from them, trying to make out what they were saying. The only thing that had come through clearly was Ville’s voice screaming for someone, Mige assumed Bam, to get the fuck out, and then the crash.
Mige knocked again, ready to break down the door if he didn’t get an answer soon. Then suddenly it was opened and Bam was standing there in nothing but his boxers staring at him with red-rimmed eyes.
"I heard a crash."
Bam nodded, but didn’t say anything. He just turned and walked back to the couch, leaving the door open behind him. Mige followed him in, looking around the room for Ville. He was nowhere in sight and his door was shut.
"Where’s Ville, Bam."
"Who the fuck cares. He’s a lost cause."
"Bam, where is he?" Mige asked again. His gut clenched, worrying something had happened to him. Bam was acting strange.
Bam sighed. "In his bedroom."
Just then Ville threw his door open and stomped out, fully dressed, only to stop in his tracks at the sight of Mige. The nightmare of earlier slammed back into his head and he fought the urge to run from the room.
"Oh, ain’t this just fucking perfect. Come for the therapy session too or maybe turn the rest of my friends against me!" Ville shouted at his best friend.
Mige tensed. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Ville pointed accusingly at Bam. "Turning Bam here against me. You did a good job. All sneaky like. What did you do? Pull him aside for some private meeting? Shove all kinds of bullshit down his throat?"
Bam stood and glared at Ville. "Fuck you! He didn’t say anything to me. I’m not stupid. I just watched you in the bathroom looking like some druggie that needed a hit. You need help."
Mige hadn’t seen this one coming a mile away. The two of them were so close, they never fought. What the hell? He looked at Ville. He looked like he was ready to put his fist through the wall or maybe even him . He wished Linde was here. Linde was the peacemaker, not him. He wasn’t good at this shit.
"Guys, calm down. Lets just sit and talk about this, ok?"
Bam turned his glare on him. "Talk? You want to talk? I don’t think so. He threw a fucking bottle at my head. In my opinion, there ain’t a damn thing to talk about."
Mige turned to Ville in shock. That was what that crash was? "You didn’t."
Ville ignored him and advanced on Bam, his fists clenched at his sides his voice low and eerily calm.
"If I’d been aiming at your head, I wouldn’t have missed."
Bam’s own fists clenched, ready to swing if he needed too.
"Your a fucking drunk. You couldn’t hit a fucking building if you tried."
Ville dove at him, but Mige was faster. He’d seen it coming and had quietly walked up behind him. He grabbed him and pulled him back against him, holding his arms at his sides with his own arms wrapped around him like a vice.
Ville struggled against him in vain, letting out a stream of curses that would have shocked a sailor. He was so angry he was seeing red. He was so mad he didn’t even notice the warm blood running from his own nose. After a few minutes, Ville finally gave up and relaxed in Mige’s arms.
Bam took the in the scene. He was still mad at Ville, hell, he was furious with him. But as he’d watched Ville and Mige struggle, he could see how much Mige cared and loved Ville. It was something he wished he showed Ville more of before all of this happen. Bam wished he could take a picture and show Ville. Maybe then he’d realize his life didn’t have to be as miserable as he was making it.
In a concerned voice, Mige asked, "If I let you go, are you going to attack him again?" Ville shook his head. He needed to get away.
"No. I’m calm now."
"Thank God." Mige let go of Ville and watched his best friend wipe the fresh blood from his face with the back of his hand. The crimson color started drying in his hair and on his pale neck. He wandered to the couch grabbing his jacket in a desperate search for something. He reached in the pocket pulling out an already half empty pack of cigarettes.
Ville mumbled something about needing to go outside, needing to be alone. His hand was shaking when he placed the blood stained cigarette to his lips.
“But Ville…” Mige turned, he couldn’t even look at his best friend he was disgusted.
“what? I’m a fucking grown man. Can I fucking smoke in peace or do I need to be watched like some nut in the psycho ward.” Ville managed to say, he thought he was suffocating in the room with the two of them breathing down his neck.
“I can’t stand here and watch him destroy his life. I can’t.” Bam walked towards the door. He hesitatd before he turned the knob.
“Bam…...wait!” Mige yelled after him.
“Let him go. I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone.”
*hands out tissues* I know it’s a heartbreaker. Comments are lovely or any suggestions on how I should fix this ladies?