Midnight Tears - Chapter 9
here's the next chapter sweethearts...i'm sorry it took so long...school is swamping me...my relationship finally broke...and i've just been utterly exhausted this week for some reason...so, please forgive me...i hope you all enjoy this chapter...it was hard to write for many reasons (personally)...i suspect the next chapter will be hard to write as well...i'm totally depressed tonight too...it doesn't help that i'm tired, it's almost 4am, and i'm listening to system of a down...their music is awesome, irresistable, and just so damn dark...i don't know if that's good, that my music matches my mood if not adds to it...*shrugs* i have to get up in three hours...much love my honeys...
Emily
MIDNIGHT TEARS
~previous chapters in the cut~
http://community.livejournal.com/__vam/1308492.html <~~~~~~Chapters 1-8
CHAPTER 9
There really wasn't anything said on the plane between us. What could we say in the small, crowded space of the airplane? There was no way. The things that had to be said had to wait for the privacy of my home, of my room. Besides, I couldn't bring myself to talk hardly. In the space of a week, I had brushed death twice. The bandages wrapped on my left arm from my wrist to my elbow spoke of my first one. They were hidden underneath long sleeves of course. I couldn't have the media catching wind of what I'd done. And besides, it made everyone uneasy around me. Bruises and scrapes spoke of my second dance with death, something I still couldn't quite comprehend or believe. Why? Because Mige, my one time good friend and best friend of Ville, had attacked us at the airport. He'd started practically strangling Ville and had in fact pulled a knife on me. Crazy fuckface. I just didn't understand. More than anything, I was angry with him. Pissed. Furious. It seemed like anger and confusion were constants in my life ever since I'd slept with Ville. That in itself angered me. I hated feeling confused. It made me feel helpless. And I couldn't be helpless. Not now. Not when Ville needed me, and he did, I could tell.
Like at the hospital, he never let go of my hand save when one of us had to go to the bathroom. Any other person might have felt suffocated. Me? I'd been desperate for just a little contact from him for months. I was grateful. And I had an overwhelming urge to protect him. To protect my child. To protect my little family. I gladly held his hand, held him, the whole flight to Philly.
When the plane landed an eternity of ten hours later, I was more relieved than I'd ever been before to see American soil. I might have had bad memories here, but the memories from Germany were terrible. I tried my damnedest not to think about them, it was far too painful, but my brain refused to obey. Instead, I tried to think solely on Ville, on the baby, and that usually took my mind off of those past events. Usually. The airport was busy as hell though not as unorganized or insane as the Munich airport. The crew, Ville, and I got our luggage quickly, still little being said between us as a group.
Would nothing ever be the same between us again???
We'd rented cars to get back to the house, none of us really wanting to be in the company of pushy, talkative cabbies. At the insistance of me, Ville and I took our own car. Dunn and Novak tried to put up a fight, but I refused, claiming up and down that I prefered not to die in a car wreck, thank you. They'd acquiesced. I always get my way, goddamnit. It was a piece of shit car, though it was new, that was had no horsepower and hardly any shocks. The stereo sucked ass too. I drove, considering Ville didn't have his licence. Besides, I needed to. I'd been sitting on a fucking plane for ten hours. I needed to stretch, so to say. We rode with the windows down and radio up as loud as it could go, a local rock radio station blaring. I wasn't much for American rock, but I was too lazy to put any of my CDs in. I had to admit some of it was good though. I can't be picky all the time, now can I?
The tension in the car was neither uncomfortable nor easy. We were fine not speaking, but the need to say certain things was still there. The car wasn't the place to do it, just like the plane wasn't. There was not enough time to talk. I watched Ville out of the corner of my eye most of the time. He looked so sad, staring out the window, slouched back in his seat as if the weight of the world was solely on his shoulders. It made me sad. His hair blew wildly in the blasting wind. That made me happy. I'd always loved his long, soft hair. And it was long again, not horribly short like after he'd chopped it almost a year ago. It reached to almost his shoulders again. I had the sudden urge to touch it, but I kept my hands on the wheel.
As we neared Castle Bam, I wondered if my parents were home. They hadn't told me they were going anywhere, but they might have been out somewhere, eating or such. I saw Ville shift in his seat, and I thought hard on what I was going to do about him. My parents - they didn't know I was bi-sexual. And now, I was bringing home a pregnant lover - male lover. I didn't know how they were going to take the fact that I was bi, and I didn't know how they were going to take the fact that Ville was pregnant. I suppose I didn't know my parents very well. The thought made me sad, again. And it wasn't like I could hide the fact that Ville was expecting. He was six months along, already in his third trimester, and his belly wasn't small by any means. I wasn't going to deny the fact that it was my child, or that I was with Ville. I just didn't know how I was going to break it to them. I just didn't know. I suppose I was just going to have to roll with it. It's what I always did, right? I suppose I had to, because we were already in the damn driveway and I could see their cars.
I turned off the car, and the two of us just sat there for a few moments, relaxing, calming ourselves down, preparing ourselves. Finally, Ville looked me in the eye, giving me the smallest of smiles, weak and nervous. I took his hand, giving it a good comforting squeeze before leaning over and giving him a quick peck on the lips. We exited the vehicle then, grabbing our luggage out of the backseat and walked toward the house. As I opened the door, the familiar scent of my house, of my home, overwhelmed my senses. It smelled, I don't know, like my house. That's the only way I can explain it. All houses have a distinct smell, and mine just smelled like mine. It was comforting.
"Bam! You're home!" Phil exclaimed, getting up from his chair in the living room. He waddled over with a huge smile on his face, giving me a bear hug when he reached me. "How was the trip? Did you have fun?"
"Um, yeah. It was fun." I said, not wanting to tell him otherwise. Now was not the time for those things. Other issues were about to arise any second.
"That's great, son!" He boomed once again. I could feel my resolve fading. He was so happy. I didn't want him to be angry or disappointed with me. "April! Bam's home!"
I heard her coming down from the upstairs and looked up to see her, a huge smile on her face as well. Damn, I was really losing my resolve. She hugged me the way every mother hugs their sons: tenderly, as if they still saw the little boy they brought up and not the man they'd become. I hugged her in return, kissing her cheek gently.
"Glad you're home, Bam. We missed ya!" she said happilly.
I snickered. "Right."
"We did! Didn't we, Phil?!" He nodded in agreement, and I chuckled some more. "And Ville! I haven't seen you in forever! Come here!" April exclaimed, pulling Ville into a tight hug. I tensed, my nerves getting the best of me as their bodies locked together. Did she feel his stomach at all? She had to have...
"How have you been, Ville? Work keepin' you busy?" Phil asked casually.
He shrugged as Ape let him go, shaking my father's hand in greeting. "Yeah. Pretty rough these past few months I'd say." No fucking kidding, Valo. "But I'm on a break now."
"Well, we're glad to have you, honey." Ape said happilly. "Where's the rest of the guys, Bam?"
"On their way. We rented three cars."
"Three cars?" She said in disbelief.
"Don't worry about it, Ape. I've got enough money." I said dismissively.
"Well, ok." she replied, still a bit concerned. "Did you eat on the way home, Bam?" I shook my head. "Well, come down and get something. Both of you. I was just pulling out some left-overs for us."
"Great." I said sarcastically. I hated left-overs.
We all walked down to the pirate bar, Ville and me lagging behind slightly. I grabbed his hand briefly, giving it another squeeze for both of us. Ape began pulling various tupperwear out of the fridge. Phil retrieved some beer, and I gladly accepted, popping my can and taking a long gulp immediately.
"No thanks, Phil." Ville politely declined.
He gave him a confused look in return, shrugging his shoulders as he handed the beer to Ape. "Did you quit drinking?" he asked casually.
"Kinda." Ville replied. I could hear the nervousness in his voice. "Doctor said it wasn't good for my body."
Phil stared at him for a moment before bursting into laughter. I gave him a hard glare. "No kidding?" He asked still chuckling. "I coulda told you that."
Ville smiled and chuckled as well, easing my tension only slightly. "Yeah, I guess you could've."
"Here you go." Ape said, setting some microwaved chicken and pizza on the table as she herself sat down.
We all began to eat, except Ville seemed to only pick and pinch at his food. It worried me for more than one reason. But I wasn't the only one to notice.
"You not hungry, Vil?" Phil asked, mid bite.
He shook head in response. "Not really."
"Well, that's ok." Ape chimed in. "It looks like you've gained a little weight since I've last seen you. You're not a waif anymore!" she said smiling.
God bless my mother, she's so fucking blatant and dense sometimes.
Ville tensed and I immediately gave her a warning glare that she happened to ignore.
"Got a belly there, don't you Ville?" she continued.
He shrugged, his unease sky rocketing.
"I didn't mean nothin' by it, sweetie." she said giggling. "Just pokin' a little fun." She reached over and pressed her hand to his stomach, rubbing it as she would my father's gut perhaps. But it didn't jiggle, and it was quite firm to her touch, and she froze. Ville froze. I froze. Phil looked on completely confused.
"Ville..."
"Ape." I said firmly, cutting her off. She broke eye contact with Ville and looked at me, confused to say the least. The tension in the air was thick and I could see Ville sitting there, completely nervous and more than a little scared. I hated seeing him like that.
Ape all of the sudden realized where her hand was and pulled it back as if she were touching something hot. It made me slightly angry.
"Bam..." she began again, her voice soft and unsure. Her eyes left mine and landed on Ville now, his head lowered and eyes down cast. "Are you pregnant, Ville?"
"What?" Phil said, completely shocked. I wasn't sure if that was disgust I heard in his voice. It better not have been.
The silence seemed to stretch on forever. Finally though, Ville nodded his head softly. Both of their eyes bore into him, unmoving, unbelieving, and I couldn't handle the helpless, scared way he was just sitting there.
"What's the problem?" I said sharply. "People get pregnant every day. There's nothing strange about this so quit fucking gawking."
They turned to me instead and I was both glad that Ville was no longer the center of attention and nervous because I was now. "Whose is it?"
Like I said, my mother can be so fucking blunt. I gritted my teeth.
"Mine." I said simply, flatly, daringly.
They stared at me, even more shocked than they were before. They hadn't been expecting that, I could tell. Their silence was far from the positive reaction I had been praying for vainly. I could just imagine what was going through their minds. 'My son is gay.' 'My son is a faggot.' 'My son is going to be a father.' 'My son is fucking men.' It made me shiver, sent a chill of fear down my spine. No matter how much of a hard ass I pretended to be in public, I couldn't handle this sort of thing. The silence was driving mad like no other. I suddenly felt a hand in my own and I instinctively squeezed it, holding onto it for dear life. My parents stared at my and Ville's locked hands.
"Bam, you never told us you were that way..." April said softly.
"And what way is that?" I asked in a low, daring voice.
"...gay..." Ape stammered out.
"But you like girls, Bam!" Phil exclaimed. "You've had girlfriends!"
"So I guess I'm fucking bi. Is there a problem here?" I was really getting angry, really getting scared.
They didn't answer for a few moments. They only stared at the two of us. "We're not sure." Ape finally answered.
I felt as if my world were crashing down around me. These were my parents. They were supposed to understand! They were supposed to understand that I was still their son, that I was no different than the Bam that had left for Germany only a week ago! Nothing had changed! Nothing! The thought that they even had to think about what the answer to my question was crushed me. They had to think, to seriously consider, whether they loved their son or not. Fuck! I didn't need this! Not now!
I felt the too familiar burn behind my eyes as I suddenly got up from my stool. I glared at them in anger and disbelief for a few moments before turning on my heel and walking up the stairs of the pirate bar, Ville's hand securely in my own.
"Bam..." I heard my mother voice.
"Fuck you..." I muttered in a shaky voice as they disappeared below the floor boards.
I was practically running up the stairs to my room when I heard the guys come in. I didn't look back, even as they shouted my name in confusion and worry, some of them running up the stairs after us. I pulled Ville into my room, slamming the door and locking it. I just stood there, my hands on the door, unable to move even as knocks and voices sounded from the other side. I felt my body shaking, my hands trembling, my breath catching in my throat.
This wasn't supposed to happen! This wasn't supposed to happen! I was supposed to bring Ville back to America for a better life, not this bullshit! I was supposed to have understanding and loving parents! Everything was supposed to be different! It was all fucked up!! Coming back to West Chester was, in some ways, worse than it had been in fucking Germany!!
I walked to my bed on unstable legs, not looking at Ville once. I didn't want him to see what kind of pain I was in. He didn't need the burden of my pain. I was ashamed of everything that was happening. I crawled onto my bed, wrapping my arms around my shaking form. I could hear myself gasping as I tried not to cry, and the sound made me even more angry at myself. After a few minutes though, I felt another weight moving carefully onto the bed. I closed my eyes as Ville laid in front of me, not wanting to look him in the eye. I felt warm arms encircle me and I wanted so fucking bad to let my tears go in a mess of weeping. I didn't though. I latched onto Ville, my arms fisting his shirt as I buried my head in his chest. I didn't weep. I let the tears flow though, silently. I found myself clasping him as he shifted, lying on his back. He rubbed large circles on my back, massaged my arms soothingly, carressed my hair and my face tenderly, catching the tears as they fell.
I felt the gentle press of his lips on my head. I felt the gentle kick of the baby. And I knew, no matter how painful or bad it felt, that, if it came right down to it, I would choose Ville over my parents. I hated myself so much.
"I love you." I whispered in a broken voice, even to my own ears.
"I love you too, Bam." He whispered in return, and I clutched him the slightest bit tighter.
I could hear Dunn and Rake arguing with my parents. I buried my head in Ville's chest, letting the tears come harder. Still, I didn't make a sound.
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it's another penis...but most of us like penises, yes? if not strait penises, then gay penises...they're all good...i hope you all liked the chapter...
btw...i love saying penis :)
COMMENTS = SOUL FOOD
AUTHOR = STARVING COLLEGE STUDENT
VAMMERS = ANGELS