fic: Whever I May Roam

[rock_chicka]

In that moment I should have seen what we both already knew, I should have noticed what we both already wanted. But I always seem to have big problems in understanding the obvious…

~*~

Bam was still sitting beside me, waiting for a response, of any kind. My face was completely expressionless as I couldn’t let him see how hurt I was and I couldn’t bring myself to smile for him. After pulling a few of my thoughts together I laughed.

“Sorry Bam, I seem to have spaced out there for a moment” as I spoke the look of confusion on Bam’s face dissolved and was replaced with a smile.

“But are you proud of me?” he questioned

“Yes, Bam” I lied, reaching out my arms to give him a congratulatory hug. He pushed my arms away, then spoke softly.

“As much as things like that have meant, now that I have a girlfriend, it just doesn’t seem quite right. You know what I mean?” as he said that I lost it, I know my face fell and showed through the hurt I was feeling. I also know Bam saw it, if only for a split second. Quickly attempting to compose myself, I acted as though nothing had ever happened.

“Yes, I know what you mean” I said, to a face that looked like it truly wanted to, but didn’t quite, believe me.

“I hope you do” he muttered seriously before relaxing completely and settling into the couch as if the whole situation had never happened. I went to grab the remote so I could distract myself from the horrible situation I was now trapped in, but as per usual, Bam got to it first. After grappling over it for a moment, Bam emerged the winner, dangling the remote in my face teasingly.

“HA HA, you want it but you can’t have it!” he teased, not understanding how I applied that single statement to so much more then only the remote. I was crushed. He had no idea what he was doing to me and I was forced to sit there in silence, the pain was slowly killing me.

Three days, and three failed attempts to drop subtle hints to Bammie left me no better off. Feeling totally down, I went out for a night to drown my sorrows in the beautiful liquid that was beer! Staggering home at around 3 in the morning, I tripped up the stairs and struggled down the hall towards my room. As I drifted past Bam’s room, I noticed his door was open a tiny sliver. The alcohol in my blood made me think it was a very good idea to peak inside. I saw him, a picture of absolute perfection, lying in bed fast asleep. My heart fell as my eyes came to rest upon the dirty blonde lying next to him, Bam’s arm placed carefully around her waist. There were clothes and a bra lying about the place that defiantly didn’t belong to Bam. Not being particularly sober or thinking all the straight didn’t help the situation I don’t think. But I couldn’t take it. Not now, or ever for that matter. I couldn’t stay in that house and watch my dreams being pushed further and further away from reality. I couldn’t stand to watch Bam all over some blonde bimbo he hardly knew. I piled all my stuff back into my bags, just as I had done a few weeks before.

I ran downstairs, my bags trailing behind me. I went to head out of the door when I had a thought. Hurriedly, I grabbed a note pad and pencil and scribbled out a note for Bam that would explain my absence in the morning. The words, “You seem fine now, you don’t need me anymore” seemed to some up the situation nicely. With that, I piled all my bags into a taxi and drove off as fast as I could.

~*~
I needed Bam to follow me. I needed his to feel some sort of pain at what I had done. I really needed him to go through some sort of shit for me like I went through for him. I know he didn’t follow me and he probally didn’t care all that much either. I shouldn’t have given a fuck anymore, but I still did…