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Chapter 7. Yes I'm posting at 3:45 in the morning. Insomnia sucks.
Four missed calls: Linde, Linde, Dunn, and then Linde again. I should have known Ville wouldn’t call. I checked my messages. Linde trying to get me to stay, Dunn asking when I would be home, Linde saying that he was sorry for dragging me to Finland just to be hurt more. I set the phone down and left it to charge.
I grabbed my bag, ran up the stairs to my room and threw it in on my bed. How could I be this wrapped up over one person? The pain is almost unbearable to deal with, my heart was physically hurting as well as emotionally.
I looked around my room, all of Ville’s posters and pictures staring at me, taunting me, telling me that he doesn’t love me. “FUCK YOU!” I screamed at his poster tearing it down. I kept screaming and ripping down posters, breaking picture frames, throwing his CDs at the wall, anything that had Ville or HIM on it I threw, cussing out Ville’s existence.
Tears were streaming down my face, curse words flying from my mouth. I tore down everything until a pair of arms wrapped around me and pulled me away. I struggled at first, crying, like a little girl throwing a fit. “Bam it’s ok.” I heard Dunn’s voice whisper in my ear, trying to soothe my pain.
I stopped struggling, falling limp in his arms as he pulled me to the floor, still holding me. The guys were standing in the door, watching me as I fell apart. Emotionally unstable. I was flipping out over a guy. Having another guy try to calm me down. I just sat there in his arms and cried. I cried my eyes out.
“I didn’t mean for him to hate me Ryan. I just didn’t want him to hurt himself.” I cried, curling up in his arms.
“It’s not your fault Bam.”
“I made him hurt himself more, Ryan. If I had just let him be he would be here right now and he’s a fucking junkie and it’s all my fault.”
“It’s not your fault Bam. He fucked up, it was his choice.” Ryan murmured in my ear, rocking me softly. My cries softened, turning into muffled sobs. This probably looked pathetic to the others. But for some reason I didn’t care, I finally didn’t care about what the others thought. I stayed there in Ryan’s arms till I drifted off to sleep in his arms.
I woke up the next day in my bed. My room was cleaned, the walls and shelves looking bare. All my HIM stuff had been removed; all the ripped posters and pictures were gone too. I got up slowly, recollecting the previous events of last night.
Fabulous. I wrecked up my room, broke into tears, and had an emotional meltdown in front of the guys. Fabulous. I cursed at myself for being weak. Grabbing jeans and a tee shirt, sliding them on and walking out of my room. I walked downstairs and stopped when I heard my name in a conversation.
“Bam need’s you Ville.” Dunn’s voice stated. “Come on just go talk to him, he’s going to be awake any minute.”
“I don’t know Ryan, I shouldn’t even be here, I fucked up. I mean he doesn’t need to deal with a junkie like me right now. He needs to move on.”
“You had to wanted to talk to him or you wouldn’t be sitting here right now.” Ryan hissed, his voice low and hushed.
“I know I want to talk to him, but I fucked things up in Helsinki when he came to see me. I should get out of here before he wakes up.” Ville’s voice echoed from the kitchen.
“Ville-“
“”Bye Dunn. Sorry to have bothered you.” I heard footsteps and I ran back up to my room, not making a noise as I heard the front door open and close. I ran back into my room and dove under the covers.
2 hours later
I walked down the stairs and out to the kitchen where all the guys were sitting casually. Dunn said good morning and I nodded in response grabbing a cup of coffee and sugar. We sat for ten minutes, having mindless chitchat, when I saw Ville’s lighter tucked by a stack of bills. So it wasn’t a dream.
Then I asked the question that silenced the whole room, “So, Dunn, when are you planning on telling me that Ville was here?” I looked up at Ryan, who had a look of pure shock on his face. I grabbed the lighter and started playing with it, waited for Ryan’s answer.
Another cliff hanger. I'm abitch, oh well.
Four missed calls: Linde, Linde, Dunn, and then Linde again. I should have known Ville wouldn’t call. I checked my messages. Linde trying to get me to stay, Dunn asking when I would be home, Linde saying that he was sorry for dragging me to Finland just to be hurt more. I set the phone down and left it to charge.
I grabbed my bag, ran up the stairs to my room and threw it in on my bed. How could I be this wrapped up over one person? The pain is almost unbearable to deal with, my heart was physically hurting as well as emotionally.
I looked around my room, all of Ville’s posters and pictures staring at me, taunting me, telling me that he doesn’t love me. “FUCK YOU!” I screamed at his poster tearing it down. I kept screaming and ripping down posters, breaking picture frames, throwing his CDs at the wall, anything that had Ville or HIM on it I threw, cussing out Ville’s existence.
Tears were streaming down my face, curse words flying from my mouth. I tore down everything until a pair of arms wrapped around me and pulled me away. I struggled at first, crying, like a little girl throwing a fit. “Bam it’s ok.” I heard Dunn’s voice whisper in my ear, trying to soothe my pain.
I stopped struggling, falling limp in his arms as he pulled me to the floor, still holding me. The guys were standing in the door, watching me as I fell apart. Emotionally unstable. I was flipping out over a guy. Having another guy try to calm me down. I just sat there in his arms and cried. I cried my eyes out.
“I didn’t mean for him to hate me Ryan. I just didn’t want him to hurt himself.” I cried, curling up in his arms.
“It’s not your fault Bam.”
“I made him hurt himself more, Ryan. If I had just let him be he would be here right now and he’s a fucking junkie and it’s all my fault.”
“It’s not your fault Bam. He fucked up, it was his choice.” Ryan murmured in my ear, rocking me softly. My cries softened, turning into muffled sobs. This probably looked pathetic to the others. But for some reason I didn’t care, I finally didn’t care about what the others thought. I stayed there in Ryan’s arms till I drifted off to sleep in his arms.
I woke up the next day in my bed. My room was cleaned, the walls and shelves looking bare. All my HIM stuff had been removed; all the ripped posters and pictures were gone too. I got up slowly, recollecting the previous events of last night.
Fabulous. I wrecked up my room, broke into tears, and had an emotional meltdown in front of the guys. Fabulous. I cursed at myself for being weak. Grabbing jeans and a tee shirt, sliding them on and walking out of my room. I walked downstairs and stopped when I heard my name in a conversation.
“Bam need’s you Ville.” Dunn’s voice stated. “Come on just go talk to him, he’s going to be awake any minute.”
“I don’t know Ryan, I shouldn’t even be here, I fucked up. I mean he doesn’t need to deal with a junkie like me right now. He needs to move on.”
“You had to wanted to talk to him or you wouldn’t be sitting here right now.” Ryan hissed, his voice low and hushed.
“I know I want to talk to him, but I fucked things up in Helsinki when he came to see me. I should get out of here before he wakes up.” Ville’s voice echoed from the kitchen.
“Ville-“
“”Bye Dunn. Sorry to have bothered you.” I heard footsteps and I ran back up to my room, not making a noise as I heard the front door open and close. I ran back into my room and dove under the covers.
2 hours later
I walked down the stairs and out to the kitchen where all the guys were sitting casually. Dunn said good morning and I nodded in response grabbing a cup of coffee and sugar. We sat for ten minutes, having mindless chitchat, when I saw Ville’s lighter tucked by a stack of bills. So it wasn’t a dream.
Then I asked the question that silenced the whole room, “So, Dunn, when are you planning on telling me that Ville was here?” I looked up at Ryan, who had a look of pure shock on his face. I grabbed the lighter and started playing with it, waited for Ryan’s answer.
Another cliff hanger. I'm abitch, oh well.