The One Where They Meet Online, Part One (SGA, McKay/Sheppard, pg)
Title: The One Where They Meet Online
Author: siriusly_sex
Rating: pg
Word Count: 10,244!
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis AU
Character(s)/Pairing(s): McKay/Sheppard, with cameos by at least twenty other characters.
Summary: AU. This might be what you'd get if you mixed How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, You've Got Mail and Maid in Manhattan in a blender with the setting on SGA, but probably not. Jeannie signs Rodney up on an online dating website.
Warnings: none, unless you're allergic to IMing and kisses.
Disclaimer: fic-tion n. something feigned, invented, or imagined; a made-up story
A/N: Original idea started here by me, out of sheer boredom. Lots and lots of love to thiscanbegin for looking this over, helping me when needed and listening to me complaining on AIM. *glomps you!* Also, as I'm pretty sure this is my first fic over 2,000 words long, and it was my goal this year to write something longer than 10,000 words, I celebrate! \O/! (Of course, this means I have two separate it in two posts.)
When Rodney turned 37, Jeannie told him to get married. Not in so many words, but instead of giving him a party, she set him up on a blind date with her co-worker Katie Brown. Katie was really nice and pretty, and they did go out for a while; it was longer than any other relationship Rodney had ever had. But, Rodney accidentally forgot their one year anniversary (because it was his birthday! You can't expect him to remember that!), and then accidentally insulted her at the party (naming plants was dumb, no matter how many glares Jeannie gave him), and then accidentally broke up with her.
So, the year after that, when Rodney turned 39, Jeannie signed him up on LantisLove.com, a new internet dating site that Rodney had never heard of. Apparently it was one specifically designed for the Colorado Springs area. "What the hell does 'Lantis' mean, anyway?!" Rodney wanted to know.
"It doesn't matter," Jeannie said, showing him the profile she made for him. "See? I even made you sound sane," she said, like it was harder than he thought.
"John!"
John turned to see Elizabeth, his boss, coming at him. "Oh God," John said, looking at Lorne quickly, "what did I do this time?" Lorne gave him a small smirk before returning to his phone call.
"You didn't do anything," Elizabeth said, rolling her eyes. "I got your Dear Abby answers this morning and they're fine. Well, they're publishable, anyway." She smiled. "You said you wanted to get out of Dear Abby, right? Well, do this one thing for me, and you can get first pick on any second-page-worthy story during Monday's meeting."
"Really?" John asked, sitting up straighter. Then, he gave her a suspicious stare, "Wait a second, this isn't that story you're trying to push on all the guys, is it?"
Elizabeth put her hands on her hips and looked down at him.
"Oh my God, it is," John groaned, slouching back into his chair. "Elizabeth, why the hell you do you think I asked for a better assignment? I don't want to pretend to be a woman anymore. And now you want me pretend to be a woman on an internet dating site?"
"Just for the article," Elizabeth said, crossing her arms. "All you have to do is set up a couple of dates, wait for the guys to get stood up, and interview them without revealing your identity. I need you to write a story on their experience. And no, you can't interview one of your friends," she added when he smirked.
"Why not?!" John asked, pouting. "Ford found someone very nice last month. Sure, she may have gotten him hooked on something, and I haven't seen him for a week, but still, you know. He found someone.
"And hey, that sounds like a stupid story," John whined. "You can't be serious."
Elizabeth's eyes narrowed. "I am. David Oberoth, the owner of LantisLove? Just burned us in an interview he did for the Post. We gotta burn him back." There was a scary glint in Elizabeth's eyes.
"Okaaayyy," John agree reluctantly, "but I want a front page story."
Elizabeth grinned, satisfied. "Fine. I need the article by Friday."
Rodney's search for love on LantisLove was failing miserably. Two weeks after the account was set up, and the emails started being forwarded to him, all he got were women who were smart but could not spell, and men who could spell but were not smart.
Then, Rodney got an email from LL, telling him a woman named "airforce1" had wanted to meet. Rodney, who was cautious of the military, clicked on her profile first and saw a beautiful blonde, with gorgeous blue eyes, and a spectacular body. But what was even better, was that she went to Stanford, for a math degree. It didn't say what she graduated with, but just getting into Stanford was ten times better than all the previous women that had emailed him. He clicked "Reply to airforce1" and sent her an email:
Dear 'airforce1,'
I'd love to meet. As soon as I get to know you better. My screen name on YIM is imagenius.
Sincerely,
mckay1968
He sent the email, really hoping she wasn't scared off. And then turned back to Simpson to tell her that all her calculations were off. "How the hell are we going to find a new galaxy on these?!" he demanded. "God, where did we get you again? Clown college?" He sighed as she stormed off, probably to complain to Radek. Sometimes it was really hard being an engineer.
After Elizabeth gave him the assignment, he had created a profile on LantisLove using a picture of one of his co-workers. He asked Elizabeth if he could use her picture, but she nearly kicked his ass for asking. So, he stole Sam's picture from the company website and used that instead. Sam Carter was the boss of Current Events, and was easily one of the hottest women John had ever met, even though he didn't swing that way. Plus, he almost never saw her, so she would never know about her stolen identity. The stuff on the profile was all about him, though. It had been a long day of reading one ridiculous Dear Abby letter to the next, and he didn't have it in him to think of something new to make up.
When that was done, he clicked "Random" and sent a "Request To Meet" email to the first twenty guys. He yawned and turned off his laptop, getting ready to head home. Lorne had already gone hours ago, off to interview some musician that had a concert at the World Arena, so John said bye to Bates, who was stuck trying to get a hold of some actor through his rep.
John's blackberry pinged at him just as he arrived home from work. One of the guys he emailed tonight had already emailed him back. "'I'd love to meet.'" John read, "'As soon as I get to know you better.' Aww, man," John grumbled opening the door to his apartment. His Boxer ran over to greet him. "Hey, Jumper," John said, kneeling down to give his dog a kiss. "How's my boy?"
He threw his coat on the couch, explaining "I was kinda hoping the picture would've reeled in everyone" to Jumper, who followed John into the kitchen as he filled his bowl with dog food. "I didn't actually want to chat these guys up online." He took a shower, and climbed into bed to find Jumper already waiting for him.
The next morning, after John had gone running with Jumper, Ronon, his best friend and next door neighbor, and Ronon's dog, Tyre, John found five messages on his email, all of them asking to chat online before meeting. He also got fourteen messages that said they weren't interested. Oh well. Six was good enough anyway. John groaned, "Looks like my week's busy, pal." Jumper growled. "I know, buddy, I know."
He went into the office to email all the men back, create screen names on all the Instant Messaging programs they used and enter all the men's screennames onto the buddy lists. He signed on and waited. While he waited, he had Dear Abby letters to read and respond to, as well as research for the story he wanted to do for the front page.
Then, around lunch time, he heard someone sign on. He looked up from his pile and grinned. "Hello, imagenius."
Rodney had been up for twenty-two hours before Radek pushed him into his car and drove him to his apartment. Six hours later, Radek woke him up and drove him to work. Rodney really appreciated it. "Is this honestly how you drive yourself to work everyday?! I'm surprised you're still alive! Don't tell me this how everyone in the Czech Republic drives."
"Rodney..."
"Honestly, why didn't you just let me drive myself home?"
"Because you can get into crashes at night too. I am not to be responsible for your death."
"I was fine, you paranoid-"
"I'm paranoid?!" Radek then proceeded to yell at Rodney in Czech, which was just as well, because they had arrived at their headquarters.
"Yes, yes, Radek," Rodney said, waving him off and going to check on his car. "Next time, just let me crash."
Radek was still muttering in Czech when Rodney went to take his lunch break in his office. He turned on his laptop and signed on to Yahoo. His entire staff was on YIM, and it was faster than calling him on the phone if they needed to reach him.
He settled in his chair, adjusting his back pillow, when he got an IM from 'airforce1'. It took Rodney a minute to remember who she was, but he got the picture almost immediately from the message she sent him:
airforce1 (11:21): hi sexxxy
Rodney groaned internally. Did everyone type like morons online, or was it just everyone he talked to?
imagenius (11:22): Hi.
imagenius (11:23): Sheppard, right?
LantisLove only revealed the last names of their clients for privacy reasons, something Rodney thought was really stupid, considering they already showed pictures.
airforce1 (11:24): eyah
airforce1 (11:24): *yeah
airforce1 (11:25): n this is mckay, rite?
imagenius (11:27): Yes, this is McKay.
imagenius (11:27): It's Dr. McKay, by the way.
airforce1 (11:29): o rly? yur a doctor?
Rodney groaned; he had to ask.
imagenius (11:30): Is there a reason you insist on typing like that?
airforce1 (11:31): its the internet, mckay
imagenius (11:32): Your point being?
Rodney was in the middle of writing a long rant about how just because it's the internet, it didn't mean that we had to be informal and stop using proper English, when Sheppard replied first.
airforce1 (11:34): my pt is that its the internet
airforce1 (11:34): tis srs business
airforce1 (11:35): *its
airforce1 (11:35): ne way, what're you up to?
Rodney stared at the screen, deciding whether or not to lie about what he was doing.
imagenius (11:36): If you must know, I'm having lunch.
airforce1 (11:38): oh? whats for lunch?
imagenius (11:40): My usual. Roast beef with everything.
imagenius (11:40): Are you having lunch?
airforce1 (11:41): my friends gonna getting me something
airforce1 (11:44): what should i get? salad?
Rodney scoffed.
imagenius (11:44): You're kidding, right?
Again, Rodney was in the middle of a long rant about salad and how it should've stayed a side dish, when Sheppard replied first.
airforce1 (11:48): relax mckay im joking
airforce1 (11:48): grilled chickens my fave
imagenius (11:49): Oh, really?
imagenius (11:49): Where from?
airforce1 (11:50): a lil place near on main st called dex's cafe
airforce1 (11:50): a frienda mine owns the place
imagenius (11:51): Oh, really?
imagenius (11:51): Never heard of it.
airforce1 (11:51): he just started it a couple weeks ago
airforce1 (11:52): got a good review in the paper though
airforce1 (11:52): nother frienda mine wrote it up
airforce1 (11:52): where do you get yur lunch from?
imagenius (11:54): I make mine.
imagenius (11:54): I'm deathly allergic to citrus, and I don't trust most of the overworked chefs in my cafeteria to remember that, since they seem to put lemon in everything these days.
airforce1 (11:55): that must suck to be a doctor and have allergies
Rodney rolled his eyes and typed back:
imagenius (11:56): I'm not a medical doctor. I have two Ph.D's, thank you very much.
Waiting for Sheppard's reply, another IM window opened up. It was Radek, and he needed Rodney's advice. Rodney groaned. He typed a quick answer to Radek and closed his laptop.
John blinked when McKay signed off. He shrugged and let it slide; he had five other windows open and was too busy chatting with them to care if one of them had signed off without saying goodbye.
Then again, McKay's conversation was the most interesting, or at least the least disgusting. The other men, most of them in their late 20s and looking to get laid, complimented John's picture, and after a few lewd but hilarious conversations, during which John felt he wanted to give all the women he knew flowers for putting up with this crap, they agreed to meet him. They all picked the location, and thankfully, John knew where they were, and staggered the meetings so that he met with one after work and one during lunch, five over the next three days. He had enough for an article right there.
But, while all the men signed off and went back to work, it still bugged him that McKay just left like that. The man, according to his profile, was pushing 40, but he brushed him off just like that? And according to his picture, which John thought was real, he was pretty handsome. Not John's usual type, but still pretty handsome.
So he was surprised when McKay signed back on a couple hours later and IMed him.
imagenius (14:11): So. Where were we?
John blinked at the screen in complete confusion. In fact, he was so confused, he forgot to type like he was supposed to.
airforce1 (14:11): McKay?
imagenius (14:12): Well, yes, obviously.
imagenius (14:12): Who else would I be?
airforce1 (14:13): I just thought you signed off because you weren't interested.
John smirked when the window said "imagenius is typing..." a couple of times, before McKay actually responded. It was amusing to get him so flustered.
imagenius (14:16): Of course I'm interested, Sheppard. The world doesn't revolve around you. I had to sign off because a colleague needed my help, so I had to help him.
airforce1 (14:16): A non-medical doctor kind of colleague, right?
airforce1 (14:17): Guess that means you're pretty smart, if other people are coming to you for help.
Again, the window said that McKay was typing for a couple of minutes, before John intervened.
airforce1 (14:20): Okay, I get it, you're smart.
imagenius (14:20): Why do you keep doing that?!
airforce1 (14:20): Doing what, McKay?
McKay was flustered again, John could tell. He was typing up a storm again, so he decided to change the subject.
airforce1 (14:23): So, I'm looking at your profile. How much is true, and how much did you make up?
imagenius (14:23): Nothing!
imagenius (14:25): To be honest, my sister made the account for me, so everything on the profile is real. She just left out...a lot.
imagenius (14:26): Besides, I could say the same thing about you!
imagenius (14:26): You could be faking it too!
Actually, most of what he told McKay was true. Ronon did own a restaurant called Dex's Café, and Stackhouse did write an article reviewing the restaurant a week ago. And the he only things he fibbed about on his profile were his gender and his picture.
airforce1 (14:26): It's all true, McKay. My favourite color is black, I like dogs, and I went to Stanford.
imagenius (14:27): Which reminds me. What did you graduate with?
airforce1 (14:27): Journalism. Did my graduate work there too.
imagenius (14:28): Oh, is that why you're typing like a normal person now, and not like a fourteen year old girl?
John bit back a laugh. He was really starting to like this guy.
imagenius (14:28): Anyway, are you really in the Air Force?
airforce1 (14:29): I was.
airforce1 (14:29): Why, do you want to see me in my old uniform?
Rodney was sputtering again, and John bit back another laugh. He was still trying not to laugh two hours later, when Elizabeth came by for tomorrow's Dear Abby column. She raised her eyebrow at John, but he just said "It's for the LantisLove article, Elizabeth," in that you-brought-this-on-yourself tone. She sighed and took the article from him.
That's when John noticed what time it was; he had to meet his first 'date' in twenty minutes.
airforce1 (16:39): crap, gotta go, McKay. ttyl?
imagenius (16:39): Okay...
It was a little disappointing to see Sheppard go, but Rodney leaned back in his chair and grinned. He had multitasked all day to keep talking to Sheppard, which led to a lot of accidental shouting online. He had apologized profusely, but Sheppard just seemed more amused than scared.
He was rereading their entire IM conversation and looking forward to their next conversation, hopefully tomorrow, when Radek came in. "Rodney, do I have to drive you home again?"
"God, no. Never." Rodney said, closing his laptop and packing up. "If you need me, call my cell. Or, I'll probably be online later." He took his keys and ran out of there, not noticing the smile on Radek's face or the disappointed frown on Miko's.
He got home, fed his cat, and took a shower before turning on his computer and checking his email. Radek had sent him one, telling everyone was doing fine and to not worry, but Rodney rolled his eyes. His entire was on edge because the air force from Cheyenne Mountain was going to come by later in the week to check out their progress, but Rodney was unconcerned. Military types were all the same, and therefore easy to handle.
Well, except for Sheppard. She was different. Rodney wondered why she had to go so suddenly and without an explanation, but he figured it was just payback from earlier in the day. Plus, it's not like they were actually dating. Just working up to it. Maybe.
He did a couple simulations and calculations before looking at the time, and collapsing into bed.
Rodney woke up six hours later from Newton pouncing on him and mewling at him. "Okay, okay," Rodney grumbled, "calm down. You'll get your food."
He yawned and headed to the kitchen, where he turned on his computer to let it start up before getting the tuna out of its can. "There you go," he said, yawning. Newton mewed his thank you before scarfing down his breakfast.
He heard a ping come from his computer and went to check it out after putting a couple slices of toast in his toaster. Rodney stared incredulously at the screen; it was Sheppard. What the hell was she doing up at - Rodney looked at the clock - 6:44 in the morning?
airforce1 (06:44): Hey, McKay, what're you doing up?
imagenius (06:44): I could ask the same thing of you.
imagenius (06:44): Again.
airforce1 (06:45): I'm about to go running with my dog.
imagenius (06:45): Oh. Really? You work out?
airforce1 (06:46): McKay, you better not be picturing me sweaty right now.
Rodney wasn't before, but he was now.
airforce1 (06:47): Hey.
airforce1 (06:47): Are you going to tell me what you were doing, or should I just assume you're an early riser?
imagenius (06:48): My cat woke me up. He was hungry.
airforce1 (06:48): You have a cat? What kind is he?
imagenius (06:48): His name's Newton and an American Shorthair.
imagenius (06:49): What about your dog?
airforce1 (06:49): Newton?
airforce1 (06:50): Jumper's a Boxer.
imagenius (06:50): Really? Huh. Girls I know don't usually have Boxers.
airforce1 (06:51): That's probably because I'm not a girl, McKay, I'm a woman.
imagenius (06:52): Haha. Listen, I gotta make breakfast. I'll talk to you later, okay?
airforce1 (06:52): Yeah, okay. I gotta get going anyway.
airforce1 (06:52): Jumper's pulling on the leash.
Sheppard signed off, and Rodney made breakfast. He didn't realize he was smiling until he got to work, and Radek asked him what was so funny.
The meeting with the first guy went really well. As Elizabeth specifically said, John only told the guy that he just happened to be there, and that he was doing an article on the apparent high number of guys who were getting stood up by women on LantisLove. He agreed to be interviewed for the Daily as long as John promised to keep his name out of the paper.
John typed up the interview when he went into work the next morning, after talking to McKay. He signed on to all the messaging programs again, in case the guys he met up with still wanted to talk, but he really just wanted to talk to McKay again.
Work was really slow that day, without talking to McKay; John vaguely wondered if it was always this boring. He read more Dear Abby letters, sincerely thankful that he would never have to read another one after the weekend. He interviewed another guy during lunch, who, again, didn't want his name published.
He got back to work and signed on, careful not to sign onto the screen names that he used to talk to the two men he met with already, only to find McKay already on.
airforce1 (15:12): Roast beef today?
imagenius (15:13): Nope. I decided to go to your friend's restaurant.
imagenius (15:13): I got your grilled chicken. It's good.
John smiled slightly and felt happy for some odd reason. He shook himself and read Rodney's next IM.
imagenius (15:14): He's a bit of an oaf, but a really good cook, and he made sure there was no citrus in anything I ordered.
airforce1 (15:14): Yeah? He didn't glare at you or anything?
John was going to have to talk to Ronon tomorrow and ask what he was like in person.
imagenius (15:14): He may have...glared. But I told him I was a friend of yours and he said it was okay that I was weird.
John paled. Oh God, Ronon must think he was John's boyfriend or something.
imagenius (15:16): Don't worry, Sheppard.
imagenius (15:16): I didn't tell him we were dating or anything.
imagenius (15:16): What is he, your ex-boyfriend?
John coughed as he started laughing, and Lorne gave him a weird look.
airforce1 (15:16): No, McKay, he's not my ex-boyfriend. He's not my type.
airforce1 (15:17): You are.
And if John was slightly freaked out by how true that was, he didn't show it, not at all.
imagenius (15:17): REALLY?!
Rodney thought staring at the screen in disbelief twice in one day was too much, but he couldn't help it.
airforce1 (15:18): I thought that was obvious, McKay.
Rodney thought he could see the pout on her face after he read that.
imagenius (15:18): Right, I guess it was implied when you asked to meet.
Wait, Rodney thought. Did I just ask to meet her?
airforce1 (15:18): If that was an invitation for a date, McKay, you need to sharpen your skills.
Rodney let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.
imagenius (15:18): No, no, it wasn't. It's way too soon.
imagenius (15:19): And.
imagenius (15:19): I like this.
airforce1 (15:19): Yeah, me too.
Rodney's hand shook while he was typing "REALLY?!" again, which is probably why Sheppard replied first.
airforce1 (15:19): Hey, look, I gotta go meet someone.
imagenius (15:20): Oh.
imagenius (15:20): For work?
imagenius (15:20): What do you do, anyway?
airforce1 (15:21): Yes, McKay for work. And I'll only tell you what I do if you tell me what you do.
imagenius (15:21): That's easy.
imagenius (15:22): I'm the chief scientific advisor for a privately owned company called Emmagan Enterprises.
imagenius (15:22): We mostly do military contracts, but we also do a lot of research. I'd rather do the research, but doing the contracts helps us get money for the research.
airforce1 (15:22): Really?
imagenius (15:23): Yes, yes. Your turn.
airforce1 (15:23): I write for the Daily.
airforce1 (15:24): Bye!
And then Sheppard signed off.
John had met with yet another guy, who told basically the same story as the other two did. Well, of course they did, since John was behind the whole thing, but still, he took the statements. When he got home, he typed up the reports and waited to see if McKay was online.
In the meantime, Elizabeth had emailed him, telling him what a great job he was doing, tackling two different assignments at the same time. He grinned; maybe pretending to be a woman on a dating site had been worth it.
He sat back on his couch, home early for a change, with Jumper sleeping happily on his lap. His laptop was next to him, just in case, but John was watching Return of the Jedi on his flat screen. It was his favourite of all the Star Wars movies, but he hadn't watched it in a while, so he thought he'd pop it into the DVD player.
John isn't that far into the movie - Luke's in the cellar with the rancor - when McKay signs on.
imagenius (22:01): It's 10 PM, do you know where your dog is?
airforce1 (22:01): Why, yes, I do. He's sitting in my lap.
airforce1 (22:02): What're you up to?
imagenius (22:03): Answering a couple of emails, berating my staff and feeding my cat, all from the comfort of my kitchen.
airforce1 (22:03): Well, doesn't that sound nice.
imagenius (22:04): Oh, it is.
imagenius (22:04): What about you? Taking a break from interviewing politicians to hang out online?
airforce1 (22:05): Why McKay, are you jealous?
airforce1 (22:05): And I'm not that kind of journalist.
airforce1 (22:05): I answer the Dear Abby letters in the Daily.
John knew he was safe, because only Ronon and the Local section staff at the Daily knew about John's daily assignment. He wasn't supposed to tell Ronon, but he did anyway, mostly because he knew Ronon could keep a secret. In exchange, Ronon told John about being in Witness Protection, mostly because he trusted John, but Ronon told him it was only because John confided in him. John wanted to know what he was in WP for, but Ronon just grinned and turned back to filleting the fish.
Part Two
Author: siriusly_sex
Rating: pg
Word Count: 10,244!
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis AU
Character(s)/Pairing(s): McKay/Sheppard, with cameos by at least twenty other characters.
Summary: AU. This might be what you'd get if you mixed How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, You've Got Mail and Maid in Manhattan in a blender with the setting on SGA, but probably not. Jeannie signs Rodney up on an online dating website.
Warnings: none, unless you're allergic to IMing and kisses.
Disclaimer: fic-tion n. something feigned, invented, or imagined; a made-up story
A/N: Original idea started here by me, out of sheer boredom. Lots and lots of love to thiscanbegin for looking this over, helping me when needed and listening to me complaining on AIM. *glomps you!* Also, as I'm pretty sure this is my first fic over 2,000 words long, and it was my goal this year to write something longer than 10,000 words, I celebrate! \O/! (Of course, this means I have two separate it in two posts.)
When Rodney turned 37, Jeannie told him to get married. Not in so many words, but instead of giving him a party, she set him up on a blind date with her co-worker Katie Brown. Katie was really nice and pretty, and they did go out for a while; it was longer than any other relationship Rodney had ever had. But, Rodney accidentally forgot their one year anniversary (because it was his birthday! You can't expect him to remember that!), and then accidentally insulted her at the party (naming plants was dumb, no matter how many glares Jeannie gave him), and then accidentally broke up with her.
So, the year after that, when Rodney turned 39, Jeannie signed him up on LantisLove.com, a new internet dating site that Rodney had never heard of. Apparently it was one specifically designed for the Colorado Springs area. "What the hell does 'Lantis' mean, anyway?!" Rodney wanted to know.
"It doesn't matter," Jeannie said, showing him the profile she made for him. "See? I even made you sound sane," she said, like it was harder than he thought.
"John!"
John turned to see Elizabeth, his boss, coming at him. "Oh God," John said, looking at Lorne quickly, "what did I do this time?" Lorne gave him a small smirk before returning to his phone call.
"You didn't do anything," Elizabeth said, rolling her eyes. "I got your Dear Abby answers this morning and they're fine. Well, they're publishable, anyway." She smiled. "You said you wanted to get out of Dear Abby, right? Well, do this one thing for me, and you can get first pick on any second-page-worthy story during Monday's meeting."
"Really?" John asked, sitting up straighter. Then, he gave her a suspicious stare, "Wait a second, this isn't that story you're trying to push on all the guys, is it?"
Elizabeth put her hands on her hips and looked down at him.
"Oh my God, it is," John groaned, slouching back into his chair. "Elizabeth, why the hell you do you think I asked for a better assignment? I don't want to pretend to be a woman anymore. And now you want me pretend to be a woman on an internet dating site?"
"Just for the article," Elizabeth said, crossing her arms. "All you have to do is set up a couple of dates, wait for the guys to get stood up, and interview them without revealing your identity. I need you to write a story on their experience. And no, you can't interview one of your friends," she added when he smirked.
"Why not?!" John asked, pouting. "Ford found someone very nice last month. Sure, she may have gotten him hooked on something, and I haven't seen him for a week, but still, you know. He found someone.
"And hey, that sounds like a stupid story," John whined. "You can't be serious."
Elizabeth's eyes narrowed. "I am. David Oberoth, the owner of LantisLove? Just burned us in an interview he did for the Post. We gotta burn him back." There was a scary glint in Elizabeth's eyes.
"Okaaayyy," John agree reluctantly, "but I want a front page story."
Elizabeth grinned, satisfied. "Fine. I need the article by Friday."
Rodney's search for love on LantisLove was failing miserably. Two weeks after the account was set up, and the emails started being forwarded to him, all he got were women who were smart but could not spell, and men who could spell but were not smart.
Then, Rodney got an email from LL, telling him a woman named "airforce1" had wanted to meet. Rodney, who was cautious of the military, clicked on her profile first and saw a beautiful blonde, with gorgeous blue eyes, and a spectacular body. But what was even better, was that she went to Stanford, for a math degree. It didn't say what she graduated with, but just getting into Stanford was ten times better than all the previous women that had emailed him. He clicked "Reply to airforce1" and sent her an email:
Dear 'airforce1,'
I'd love to meet. As soon as I get to know you better. My screen name on YIM is imagenius.
Sincerely,
mckay1968
He sent the email, really hoping she wasn't scared off. And then turned back to Simpson to tell her that all her calculations were off. "How the hell are we going to find a new galaxy on these?!" he demanded. "God, where did we get you again? Clown college?" He sighed as she stormed off, probably to complain to Radek. Sometimes it was really hard being an engineer.
After Elizabeth gave him the assignment, he had created a profile on LantisLove using a picture of one of his co-workers. He asked Elizabeth if he could use her picture, but she nearly kicked his ass for asking. So, he stole Sam's picture from the company website and used that instead. Sam Carter was the boss of Current Events, and was easily one of the hottest women John had ever met, even though he didn't swing that way. Plus, he almost never saw her, so she would never know about her stolen identity. The stuff on the profile was all about him, though. It had been a long day of reading one ridiculous Dear Abby letter to the next, and he didn't have it in him to think of something new to make up.
When that was done, he clicked "Random" and sent a "Request To Meet" email to the first twenty guys. He yawned and turned off his laptop, getting ready to head home. Lorne had already gone hours ago, off to interview some musician that had a concert at the World Arena, so John said bye to Bates, who was stuck trying to get a hold of some actor through his rep.
John's blackberry pinged at him just as he arrived home from work. One of the guys he emailed tonight had already emailed him back. "'I'd love to meet.'" John read, "'As soon as I get to know you better.' Aww, man," John grumbled opening the door to his apartment. His Boxer ran over to greet him. "Hey, Jumper," John said, kneeling down to give his dog a kiss. "How's my boy?"
He threw his coat on the couch, explaining "I was kinda hoping the picture would've reeled in everyone" to Jumper, who followed John into the kitchen as he filled his bowl with dog food. "I didn't actually want to chat these guys up online." He took a shower, and climbed into bed to find Jumper already waiting for him.
The next morning, after John had gone running with Jumper, Ronon, his best friend and next door neighbor, and Ronon's dog, Tyre, John found five messages on his email, all of them asking to chat online before meeting. He also got fourteen messages that said they weren't interested. Oh well. Six was good enough anyway. John groaned, "Looks like my week's busy, pal." Jumper growled. "I know, buddy, I know."
He went into the office to email all the men back, create screen names on all the Instant Messaging programs they used and enter all the men's screennames onto the buddy lists. He signed on and waited. While he waited, he had Dear Abby letters to read and respond to, as well as research for the story he wanted to do for the front page.
Then, around lunch time, he heard someone sign on. He looked up from his pile and grinned. "Hello, imagenius."
Rodney had been up for twenty-two hours before Radek pushed him into his car and drove him to his apartment. Six hours later, Radek woke him up and drove him to work. Rodney really appreciated it. "Is this honestly how you drive yourself to work everyday?! I'm surprised you're still alive! Don't tell me this how everyone in the Czech Republic drives."
"Rodney..."
"Honestly, why didn't you just let me drive myself home?"
"Because you can get into crashes at night too. I am not to be responsible for your death."
"I was fine, you paranoid-"
"I'm paranoid?!" Radek then proceeded to yell at Rodney in Czech, which was just as well, because they had arrived at their headquarters.
"Yes, yes, Radek," Rodney said, waving him off and going to check on his car. "Next time, just let me crash."
Radek was still muttering in Czech when Rodney went to take his lunch break in his office. He turned on his laptop and signed on to Yahoo. His entire staff was on YIM, and it was faster than calling him on the phone if they needed to reach him.
He settled in his chair, adjusting his back pillow, when he got an IM from 'airforce1'. It took Rodney a minute to remember who she was, but he got the picture almost immediately from the message she sent him:
airforce1 (11:21): hi sexxxy
Rodney groaned internally. Did everyone type like morons online, or was it just everyone he talked to?
imagenius (11:22): Hi.
imagenius (11:23): Sheppard, right?
LantisLove only revealed the last names of their clients for privacy reasons, something Rodney thought was really stupid, considering they already showed pictures.
airforce1 (11:24): eyah
airforce1 (11:24): *yeah
airforce1 (11:25): n this is mckay, rite?
imagenius (11:27): Yes, this is McKay.
imagenius (11:27): It's Dr. McKay, by the way.
airforce1 (11:29): o rly? yur a doctor?
Rodney groaned; he had to ask.
imagenius (11:30): Is there a reason you insist on typing like that?
airforce1 (11:31): its the internet, mckay
imagenius (11:32): Your point being?
Rodney was in the middle of writing a long rant about how just because it's the internet, it didn't mean that we had to be informal and stop using proper English, when Sheppard replied first.
airforce1 (11:34): my pt is that its the internet
airforce1 (11:34): tis srs business
airforce1 (11:35): *its
airforce1 (11:35): ne way, what're you up to?
Rodney stared at the screen, deciding whether or not to lie about what he was doing.
imagenius (11:36): If you must know, I'm having lunch.
airforce1 (11:38): oh? whats for lunch?
imagenius (11:40): My usual. Roast beef with everything.
imagenius (11:40): Are you having lunch?
airforce1 (11:41): my friends gonna getting me something
airforce1 (11:44): what should i get? salad?
Rodney scoffed.
imagenius (11:44): You're kidding, right?
Again, Rodney was in the middle of a long rant about salad and how it should've stayed a side dish, when Sheppard replied first.
airforce1 (11:48): relax mckay im joking
airforce1 (11:48): grilled chickens my fave
imagenius (11:49): Oh, really?
imagenius (11:49): Where from?
airforce1 (11:50): a lil place near on main st called dex's cafe
airforce1 (11:50): a frienda mine owns the place
imagenius (11:51): Oh, really?
imagenius (11:51): Never heard of it.
airforce1 (11:51): he just started it a couple weeks ago
airforce1 (11:52): got a good review in the paper though
airforce1 (11:52): nother frienda mine wrote it up
airforce1 (11:52): where do you get yur lunch from?
imagenius (11:54): I make mine.
imagenius (11:54): I'm deathly allergic to citrus, and I don't trust most of the overworked chefs in my cafeteria to remember that, since they seem to put lemon in everything these days.
airforce1 (11:55): that must suck to be a doctor and have allergies
Rodney rolled his eyes and typed back:
imagenius (11:56): I'm not a medical doctor. I have two Ph.D's, thank you very much.
Waiting for Sheppard's reply, another IM window opened up. It was Radek, and he needed Rodney's advice. Rodney groaned. He typed a quick answer to Radek and closed his laptop.
John blinked when McKay signed off. He shrugged and let it slide; he had five other windows open and was too busy chatting with them to care if one of them had signed off without saying goodbye.
Then again, McKay's conversation was the most interesting, or at least the least disgusting. The other men, most of them in their late 20s and looking to get laid, complimented John's picture, and after a few lewd but hilarious conversations, during which John felt he wanted to give all the women he knew flowers for putting up with this crap, they agreed to meet him. They all picked the location, and thankfully, John knew where they were, and staggered the meetings so that he met with one after work and one during lunch, five over the next three days. He had enough for an article right there.
But, while all the men signed off and went back to work, it still bugged him that McKay just left like that. The man, according to his profile, was pushing 40, but he brushed him off just like that? And according to his picture, which John thought was real, he was pretty handsome. Not John's usual type, but still pretty handsome.
So he was surprised when McKay signed back on a couple hours later and IMed him.
imagenius (14:11): So. Where were we?
John blinked at the screen in complete confusion. In fact, he was so confused, he forgot to type like he was supposed to.
airforce1 (14:11): McKay?
imagenius (14:12): Well, yes, obviously.
imagenius (14:12): Who else would I be?
airforce1 (14:13): I just thought you signed off because you weren't interested.
John smirked when the window said "imagenius is typing..." a couple of times, before McKay actually responded. It was amusing to get him so flustered.
imagenius (14:16): Of course I'm interested, Sheppard. The world doesn't revolve around you. I had to sign off because a colleague needed my help, so I had to help him.
airforce1 (14:16): A non-medical doctor kind of colleague, right?
airforce1 (14:17): Guess that means you're pretty smart, if other people are coming to you for help.
Again, the window said that McKay was typing for a couple of minutes, before John intervened.
airforce1 (14:20): Okay, I get it, you're smart.
imagenius (14:20): Why do you keep doing that?!
airforce1 (14:20): Doing what, McKay?
McKay was flustered again, John could tell. He was typing up a storm again, so he decided to change the subject.
airforce1 (14:23): So, I'm looking at your profile. How much is true, and how much did you make up?
imagenius (14:23): Nothing!
imagenius (14:25): To be honest, my sister made the account for me, so everything on the profile is real. She just left out...a lot.
imagenius (14:26): Besides, I could say the same thing about you!
imagenius (14:26): You could be faking it too!
Actually, most of what he told McKay was true. Ronon did own a restaurant called Dex's Café, and Stackhouse did write an article reviewing the restaurant a week ago. And the he only things he fibbed about on his profile were his gender and his picture.
airforce1 (14:26): It's all true, McKay. My favourite color is black, I like dogs, and I went to Stanford.
imagenius (14:27): Which reminds me. What did you graduate with?
airforce1 (14:27): Journalism. Did my graduate work there too.
imagenius (14:28): Oh, is that why you're typing like a normal person now, and not like a fourteen year old girl?
John bit back a laugh. He was really starting to like this guy.
imagenius (14:28): Anyway, are you really in the Air Force?
airforce1 (14:29): I was.
airforce1 (14:29): Why, do you want to see me in my old uniform?
Rodney was sputtering again, and John bit back another laugh. He was still trying not to laugh two hours later, when Elizabeth came by for tomorrow's Dear Abby column. She raised her eyebrow at John, but he just said "It's for the LantisLove article, Elizabeth," in that you-brought-this-on-yourself tone. She sighed and took the article from him.
That's when John noticed what time it was; he had to meet his first 'date' in twenty minutes.
airforce1 (16:39): crap, gotta go, McKay. ttyl?
imagenius (16:39): Okay...
It was a little disappointing to see Sheppard go, but Rodney leaned back in his chair and grinned. He had multitasked all day to keep talking to Sheppard, which led to a lot of accidental shouting online. He had apologized profusely, but Sheppard just seemed more amused than scared.
He was rereading their entire IM conversation and looking forward to their next conversation, hopefully tomorrow, when Radek came in. "Rodney, do I have to drive you home again?"
"God, no. Never." Rodney said, closing his laptop and packing up. "If you need me, call my cell. Or, I'll probably be online later." He took his keys and ran out of there, not noticing the smile on Radek's face or the disappointed frown on Miko's.
He got home, fed his cat, and took a shower before turning on his computer and checking his email. Radek had sent him one, telling everyone was doing fine and to not worry, but Rodney rolled his eyes. His entire was on edge because the air force from Cheyenne Mountain was going to come by later in the week to check out their progress, but Rodney was unconcerned. Military types were all the same, and therefore easy to handle.
Well, except for Sheppard. She was different. Rodney wondered why she had to go so suddenly and without an explanation, but he figured it was just payback from earlier in the day. Plus, it's not like they were actually dating. Just working up to it. Maybe.
He did a couple simulations and calculations before looking at the time, and collapsing into bed.
Rodney woke up six hours later from Newton pouncing on him and mewling at him. "Okay, okay," Rodney grumbled, "calm down. You'll get your food."
He yawned and headed to the kitchen, where he turned on his computer to let it start up before getting the tuna out of its can. "There you go," he said, yawning. Newton mewed his thank you before scarfing down his breakfast.
He heard a ping come from his computer and went to check it out after putting a couple slices of toast in his toaster. Rodney stared incredulously at the screen; it was Sheppard. What the hell was she doing up at - Rodney looked at the clock - 6:44 in the morning?
airforce1 (06:44): Hey, McKay, what're you doing up?
imagenius (06:44): I could ask the same thing of you.
imagenius (06:44): Again.
airforce1 (06:45): I'm about to go running with my dog.
imagenius (06:45): Oh. Really? You work out?
airforce1 (06:46): McKay, you better not be picturing me sweaty right now.
Rodney wasn't before, but he was now.
airforce1 (06:47): Hey.
airforce1 (06:47): Are you going to tell me what you were doing, or should I just assume you're an early riser?
imagenius (06:48): My cat woke me up. He was hungry.
airforce1 (06:48): You have a cat? What kind is he?
imagenius (06:48): His name's Newton and an American Shorthair.
imagenius (06:49): What about your dog?
airforce1 (06:49): Newton?
airforce1 (06:50): Jumper's a Boxer.
imagenius (06:50): Really? Huh. Girls I know don't usually have Boxers.
airforce1 (06:51): That's probably because I'm not a girl, McKay, I'm a woman.
imagenius (06:52): Haha. Listen, I gotta make breakfast. I'll talk to you later, okay?
airforce1 (06:52): Yeah, okay. I gotta get going anyway.
airforce1 (06:52): Jumper's pulling on the leash.
Sheppard signed off, and Rodney made breakfast. He didn't realize he was smiling until he got to work, and Radek asked him what was so funny.
The meeting with the first guy went really well. As Elizabeth specifically said, John only told the guy that he just happened to be there, and that he was doing an article on the apparent high number of guys who were getting stood up by women on LantisLove. He agreed to be interviewed for the Daily as long as John promised to keep his name out of the paper.
John typed up the interview when he went into work the next morning, after talking to McKay. He signed on to all the messaging programs again, in case the guys he met up with still wanted to talk, but he really just wanted to talk to McKay again.
Work was really slow that day, without talking to McKay; John vaguely wondered if it was always this boring. He read more Dear Abby letters, sincerely thankful that he would never have to read another one after the weekend. He interviewed another guy during lunch, who, again, didn't want his name published.
He got back to work and signed on, careful not to sign onto the screen names that he used to talk to the two men he met with already, only to find McKay already on.
airforce1 (15:12): Roast beef today?
imagenius (15:13): Nope. I decided to go to your friend's restaurant.
imagenius (15:13): I got your grilled chicken. It's good.
John smiled slightly and felt happy for some odd reason. He shook himself and read Rodney's next IM.
imagenius (15:14): He's a bit of an oaf, but a really good cook, and he made sure there was no citrus in anything I ordered.
airforce1 (15:14): Yeah? He didn't glare at you or anything?
John was going to have to talk to Ronon tomorrow and ask what he was like in person.
imagenius (15:14): He may have...glared. But I told him I was a friend of yours and he said it was okay that I was weird.
John paled. Oh God, Ronon must think he was John's boyfriend or something.
imagenius (15:16): Don't worry, Sheppard.
imagenius (15:16): I didn't tell him we were dating or anything.
imagenius (15:16): What is he, your ex-boyfriend?
John coughed as he started laughing, and Lorne gave him a weird look.
airforce1 (15:16): No, McKay, he's not my ex-boyfriend. He's not my type.
airforce1 (15:17): You are.
And if John was slightly freaked out by how true that was, he didn't show it, not at all.
imagenius (15:17): REALLY?!
Rodney thought staring at the screen in disbelief twice in one day was too much, but he couldn't help it.
airforce1 (15:18): I thought that was obvious, McKay.
Rodney thought he could see the pout on her face after he read that.
imagenius (15:18): Right, I guess it was implied when you asked to meet.
Wait, Rodney thought. Did I just ask to meet her?
airforce1 (15:18): If that was an invitation for a date, McKay, you need to sharpen your skills.
Rodney let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.
imagenius (15:18): No, no, it wasn't. It's way too soon.
imagenius (15:19): And.
imagenius (15:19): I like this.
airforce1 (15:19): Yeah, me too.
Rodney's hand shook while he was typing "REALLY?!" again, which is probably why Sheppard replied first.
airforce1 (15:19): Hey, look, I gotta go meet someone.
imagenius (15:20): Oh.
imagenius (15:20): For work?
imagenius (15:20): What do you do, anyway?
airforce1 (15:21): Yes, McKay for work. And I'll only tell you what I do if you tell me what you do.
imagenius (15:21): That's easy.
imagenius (15:22): I'm the chief scientific advisor for a privately owned company called Emmagan Enterprises.
imagenius (15:22): We mostly do military contracts, but we also do a lot of research. I'd rather do the research, but doing the contracts helps us get money for the research.
airforce1 (15:22): Really?
imagenius (15:23): Yes, yes. Your turn.
airforce1 (15:23): I write for the Daily.
airforce1 (15:24): Bye!
And then Sheppard signed off.
John had met with yet another guy, who told basically the same story as the other two did. Well, of course they did, since John was behind the whole thing, but still, he took the statements. When he got home, he typed up the reports and waited to see if McKay was online.
In the meantime, Elizabeth had emailed him, telling him what a great job he was doing, tackling two different assignments at the same time. He grinned; maybe pretending to be a woman on a dating site had been worth it.
He sat back on his couch, home early for a change, with Jumper sleeping happily on his lap. His laptop was next to him, just in case, but John was watching Return of the Jedi on his flat screen. It was his favourite of all the Star Wars movies, but he hadn't watched it in a while, so he thought he'd pop it into the DVD player.
John isn't that far into the movie - Luke's in the cellar with the rancor - when McKay signs on.
imagenius (22:01): It's 10 PM, do you know where your dog is?
airforce1 (22:01): Why, yes, I do. He's sitting in my lap.
airforce1 (22:02): What're you up to?
imagenius (22:03): Answering a couple of emails, berating my staff and feeding my cat, all from the comfort of my kitchen.
airforce1 (22:03): Well, doesn't that sound nice.
imagenius (22:04): Oh, it is.
imagenius (22:04): What about you? Taking a break from interviewing politicians to hang out online?
airforce1 (22:05): Why McKay, are you jealous?
airforce1 (22:05): And I'm not that kind of journalist.
airforce1 (22:05): I answer the Dear Abby letters in the Daily.
John knew he was safe, because only Ronon and the Local section staff at the Daily knew about John's daily assignment. He wasn't supposed to tell Ronon, but he did anyway, mostly because he knew Ronon could keep a secret. In exchange, Ronon told John about being in Witness Protection, mostly because he trusted John, but Ronon told him it was only because John confided in him. John wanted to know what he was in WP for, but Ronon just grinned and turned back to filleting the fish.
Part Two