Uh-oh...
This is so not what I was writing, but it sort of wrote itself instead. I guess I needed to know if I still could do bleak...
Title: In Between
Fandom: SPN
Pairings: Dean/Castiel, mentions of Dean/Risa, Castiel/others
Spoilers: 5. 04 *hides*
Word count: ~700
Rating: +16
Summary: On the road, by themselves, looking for any sign of the Croatoan virus, it was the only thing that felt right, that felt familiar. But soon the first cities began to fall to the virus and they found themselves looking for the few living instead.
Warnings: 5.04 = ze ANGST (yes, with capitals), oh, and violence. Un-beta-ed.
It hadn't always been like this.
When Sam first gave in to Lucifer, Cas was there to kiss away the tears that insisted on falling from Dean's eyes. When all the other angels left and Cas was all alone and without his grace, it had been at Dean's side he'd woken up after his first night of sleep.
It made sense, then. On the road, by themselves, looking for any sign of the Croatoan virus, it was the only thing that felt right, that felt familiar. But soon the first cities began to fall to the virus and they found themselves looking for the few living instead. There wasn't any more time for being alone, for motel rooms smelling of sex and Cas and Dean, for the backseat of the Impala burning his naked skin, while Cas burned him from inside.
Cas on his knees in front of him or jerking each other of against one of the cabins became just that, nothing more. Not when the city became a dump and barbed-wire became the closest thing to safety they could name. Not when shoving the barrel of gun against a child's chest and shoot began to feel right.
And one time Cas was somewhere else, while Risa was just there and when Dean saw him take two girls to the room they used to share, he just shrugged and assigned himself a new room.
One day Dean walks into Cas' room announced, only to find him sprawled in the bed, some girl Dean can't remember the name, kneeling between his legs. She gasps and tries to hide away, but Cas is quicker, a supposedly kind hand on her shoulder.
"Don't worry, child, it's just our fearless leader."
Dean isn't sure if the sarcasm was in "just" or in "fearless", as he goes looking for something to write a message for Chuck and the others, his presence already forgotten to Cas.
Once he had asked him why. They had come across some good hints on Lucifer's whereabouts and it had been still too early for Cas to be completely gone and the morning had felt almost normal. There had been no jealousy in his question, no anything. It was just it: Why?
Cas had looked at him, confused.
"Why not?"
And really, why not? Everyone at Camp Chitaqua has seen everyone else die or be worse than dead and everyone is grasping at straws. And it must be so fucking easy to talk about being an angel of the Lord and tell them shit about spirituality and the mind, make them believe, if only for moments, that all of this means anything. Sex seems like a reasonable price for such a merciful white-lie. (and, really, isn't he doing the same with Risa?)
And Dean knows that not all girls going through Cas' bed are that naïve. Some want to be lied to, others are just tired of spending the night on the floor and be required to be ready to fight the next day and Cas really has one of the best beds there. (perks of being the chief's ex or whatever he is) He's lucky there are so few left to fight, or he'd probably be waking up with a bullet between his eyes someday.
It doesn't matter. None of it matters when there are physical barriers of sticks and barbed-wire separating the living from the dead that eat the living. But there are times when shreds from the past appear in the back Dean's mind. When Cas runs out of pills and it's too late to go looking for more and Dean has to hold his cramping body while he retches, because no one wants to spend the night hearing his cries of pain. When Dean catches a glimpse of Lucifer through Sam's eyes and Cas is the only one who knows that what Dean wants is silence while he drinks himself to sleep or punches walls until his fists are bloodied.
But that's nothing. Just mockery of what once was. Because Cas can't feel anything anymore and Dean knows when the time comes to face Lucifer, he'll give anything. He'll give anyone.
The End.
Title: In Between
Fandom: SPN
Pairings: Dean/Castiel, mentions of Dean/Risa, Castiel/others
Spoilers: 5. 04 *hides*
Word count: ~700
Rating: +16
Summary: On the road, by themselves, looking for any sign of the Croatoan virus, it was the only thing that felt right, that felt familiar. But soon the first cities began to fall to the virus and they found themselves looking for the few living instead.
Warnings: 5.04 = ze ANGST (yes, with capitals), oh, and violence. Un-beta-ed.
It hadn't always been like this.
When Sam first gave in to Lucifer, Cas was there to kiss away the tears that insisted on falling from Dean's eyes. When all the other angels left and Cas was all alone and without his grace, it had been at Dean's side he'd woken up after his first night of sleep.
It made sense, then. On the road, by themselves, looking for any sign of the Croatoan virus, it was the only thing that felt right, that felt familiar. But soon the first cities began to fall to the virus and they found themselves looking for the few living instead. There wasn't any more time for being alone, for motel rooms smelling of sex and Cas and Dean, for the backseat of the Impala burning his naked skin, while Cas burned him from inside.
Cas on his knees in front of him or jerking each other of against one of the cabins became just that, nothing more. Not when the city became a dump and barbed-wire became the closest thing to safety they could name. Not when shoving the barrel of gun against a child's chest and shoot began to feel right.
And one time Cas was somewhere else, while Risa was just there and when Dean saw him take two girls to the room they used to share, he just shrugged and assigned himself a new room.
One day Dean walks into Cas' room announced, only to find him sprawled in the bed, some girl Dean can't remember the name, kneeling between his legs. She gasps and tries to hide away, but Cas is quicker, a supposedly kind hand on her shoulder.
"Don't worry, child, it's just our fearless leader."
Dean isn't sure if the sarcasm was in "just" or in "fearless", as he goes looking for something to write a message for Chuck and the others, his presence already forgotten to Cas.
Once he had asked him why. They had come across some good hints on Lucifer's whereabouts and it had been still too early for Cas to be completely gone and the morning had felt almost normal. There had been no jealousy in his question, no anything. It was just it: Why?
Cas had looked at him, confused.
"Why not?"
And really, why not? Everyone at Camp Chitaqua has seen everyone else die or be worse than dead and everyone is grasping at straws. And it must be so fucking easy to talk about being an angel of the Lord and tell them shit about spirituality and the mind, make them believe, if only for moments, that all of this means anything. Sex seems like a reasonable price for such a merciful white-lie. (and, really, isn't he doing the same with Risa?)
And Dean knows that not all girls going through Cas' bed are that naïve. Some want to be lied to, others are just tired of spending the night on the floor and be required to be ready to fight the next day and Cas really has one of the best beds there. (perks of being the chief's ex or whatever he is) He's lucky there are so few left to fight, or he'd probably be waking up with a bullet between his eyes someday.
It doesn't matter. None of it matters when there are physical barriers of sticks and barbed-wire separating the living from the dead that eat the living. But there are times when shreds from the past appear in the back Dean's mind. When Cas runs out of pills and it's too late to go looking for more and Dean has to hold his cramping body while he retches, because no one wants to spend the night hearing his cries of pain. When Dean catches a glimpse of Lucifer through Sam's eyes and Cas is the only one who knows that what Dean wants is silence while he drinks himself to sleep or punches walls until his fists are bloodied.
But that's nothing. Just mockery of what once was. Because Cas can't feel anything anymore and Dean knows when the time comes to face Lucifer, he'll give anything. He'll give anyone.
The End.