Quoting "Apollo"
things've been quite a mess...but I'm getting through. Even if I might not've been on such a good mood or had the most positive attitude recently (hmm..I wonder why?), I still feel that after some time, even if the situation wouldn't abate, I just get used to it. Maybe that's why I've been hanging around for even this long.
I know most (might) parobably say that I'm just a f-ing whiner, that I think that I'm the only one in the world with problems etc. that bullshit, but I don't consider them really entitled to such thoughts. I've never thought I'd be the only one in the world with tough times, I'm not egotistic enough to think that everyone else has it easy and that I would be some fucking special case going through what I do...no, but do these people ever put themselves in my shoes (or anybody else's, for that matter? Do they even possess the ability to empathize?) and think that maybe the situation of others isn't really the first thing on your mind when you have your own problems, which naturally are bigger for you, because YOU are the object of them. I'd really like to see those people living through my life (all the way from early childhood), and then coming up to me after that to show that they actually got through it, that it was a piece of cake for them, nothing really worth offering a thought. I doubt they would look at it like that. Some probably would've done what I planned several times, but ended up chickening out on.
I do believe though, that the fact it started at such an early point kind of had me growing to it, and developing a sort of shield around me so that I wasn't so vulnerable to everything oozing on me later. It was sort of a foretaste to have me prepared...so I'm not saying that it would've been entirely my own merit that I got past a bunch of crap like that, but it sure did take some personality. I've got only my father's genes to thank for that. But I also have my father to thank for a lot of that, what I was put through, so there you go. But I am not blaming him. I never did (even if he probably thought I did, which ain't a surprise when you look at how I acted back then. What an inconsiderate brat I was). I never have hated him, because I understood and knew him and the causes of his actions probably way more than he ever suspected I would. I just wish he would've known it back then. Maybe I didn't either, though...just something in my subconsciousness that told me that. I've seen such similarities in my and his behavior/personality/experiences, that I could pretty much tell what it was like for him, and why it was like that. I just wish I'd been more mature than. But how could I've been? I was in the middle of the events that quickened my maturing process...but for the effect to take place, I needed some recovery time. Oh schmuck.
Oh yes, he could be such a pain in the ass, but I know it wasn't his fault. He is a good person, even if I still don't understand all his past actions. But do I really even need to? All I need to know is that he didn't mean it. I never meant either any of the crappy stuff I did/said, when I was having a rough time. I just had to get everything out somehow, and unfortunately that was one of the ways I used (not willingly, though). I just hope I'll be forgiven for all that some day.
One thing I know is that I'm not a person to grow bitter..it's something I've promised myself not to do, and I don't even feel I need to fear becoming that.
I get through, I get tough, I get wiser, I get stronger...I never forget, though, but neither do I look back at everything with misery, but with PRIDE, knowing that I am still fucking here...try pushing me over the edge and you'll only end up with me dragging you down with me...so there you go, does it sound rewarding?
I am a surviver...even if I sometimes felt weak, I deep down knew (especially now at this point) that it wasn't true because if it would've been, I wouldn't be standing here telling myself that.
I'm still not quite over everything (will I ever be?), and at the moment I am not quite in the best situation for that either with the mentality around me...there's one person here who knows very well what I am talking about, all of what I've told here (and what I've personally told)...one who's went through a whole lot of shit himself I can tell you, and can empathize with me (as a matter of fact with anyone I'd say, after such things he had to take)...this person has been someone to listen to me...to talk to me...to help me the best way he could by giving me advice and kicking some spirit into me. Someone who knew what he was talking about when telling me certain things.
Not anybody would bother to do this...and I truly owe you a lot, thank you.
I just don't always know if these things will ever change, even if I move the hell away as soon as I only can get my ass out of here with my diplomas (that'll say hopefully in 8 months).
I've always been basically an optimist, and moving to a new place always gave me hope...I never - even once in my life - had an attitude when moving into new circles in a new place...I never thought that the things I was being put through were my fault, but they were only caught up in the race: being different in some way, was naturally blamed on me by freezing me out, and I used to blame it on others not understanding or even wanting to understand me...but just in the recent years I've realized that it never really was anybody's fault but people just claiming that, only so that the situation with it's what's and why's would be easier to process, and maybe a bit more explicable to them.
So...as I never had an attitude, I at one point developed one..always being disappointed noticing everything going exactly as they did in the previous places. But it too disappeared as soon as I got to try again, in a new place.
I guess everything was just somehow sealed on my appearance, which then again lead to me not getting out of the bad circle.
Sometimes I wonder if it's just plain naivety, believing that everything'll turn out to be somehow better just by changing environment...It's not like I'd be running away from my problems, because it's not MY problem if people don't want to expand their horizon, but only ignore anybody different from them. I don't judge them because I understand it's natural to the human nature to avoid things that differ from what you are used to/comfortable with...because you feel like you can't understand something being so different in some matter, and anything you don't understand frightens you. Naturally everyone isn't like that, but most are.
So by moving around I am not running away from problems, but instead searching (for new problems? :D) for a place where I could feel accepted, even if not necessarily understood.
People basically strive for being understood, but can also bare not being that, if only surrounded by people who are able to accept even if not fully comprehend.
You can always learn to understand, but accepting something you might find obscure...that requires the right attitude.