At Heart
Title: At Heart
Author: qing_ren / 79_percent
Rating: PG-13
Form: One-shot
Fandom: Shinhwa
Pairing: MinSung
Genre: Angst
Notes: First fic to ever come out of the closet. n.n Prequel to Addict.
A Shinhwa One Shot
"At Heart"
~^^*~
//When I look at you, it's as if I'm looking at another me.//
It's weird. You're the last person on earth that anyone would mistake as myself. You had such a pretty face, tall figure and feminine demeanour. Me? No one would mistake me as a girl, that's for one. And yet, I felt that you're similar to myself. I never thought that I would felt this way for anyone, let alone you. I never felt anything since young. I never felt that I actually existed in this world.. It actually appeared as if I had sold my soul. They said that Man is a sentient being. I doubted I was one. Nothing mattered much to me. It had always been that way.. Until I found you. At that very moment our eyes met for the first time, I felt a pang of.. something in my heart. Something that I had never known for the past almost two decades.
My mother died when I was a mere five year old. I couldn't even remember her face. What I could recall was only the crimson blood she shed and the warm tears she cried as I lay helplessly in her arms. It surprised me that I wasn't brutally killed as well. I didn't even know why we were attacked in the first place. That night.. was a pure nightmare. My very own hideous, stygian past that I'd rather forget than have it flawlessly etched in my photographic memory. Ironically, Fate chose the latter as a gift for me. After that incident, my father fell into such deep sorrow that he seek comfort in his work. Fabricated contentment that cut him off from the rest of the world. He wallowed in and never resurfaced. He never did return to me. From that moment onwards, I was neglected. I guessed I reminded him too much of my late mother. After all, I did bear a close resemblance to her. I didn't care much. For I couldn't feel anymore. Since then, I was numb. You cried your heart out when I wrote you all these. You have such a fragile heart it would do you more harm than good. You felt too much about practically everything for everybody. That was one thing about you that was very different from me. You could feel. I couldn't. You once asked me why I never smiled. When I didn't answer your question, as per normal, you said that I was reluctant to. Then you gave me a small smile before returning back to your room. But you were wrong. It's not about the reluctance.. Instead, I felt that there was no need to. Or rather, I didn't know how to. I'd forgotten how to feel happy. Or sad. Or angry. Whatever. I couldn't feel anything anymore since that fateful night.
//But whenever I see you, I hurt.//
And it confused me.
You loved me, I know. I could see it the very moment we met. I think I realised it even before you did. And I think, had I known how to love then, I would have fallen for your ethereal beauty first. With such an attractive face, beautiful eyes, sweet smile and gentle voice, it's hard for anyone not to. But not I. At least, not yet. You only intrigued me for you were the first person to ever made me feel anything at all after so long. I thought I could only think of myself. My world had me as its axis and nothing else mattered. I was ruthless, in a sense. I never spared a thought for others. I always thought compassion was unnecessary, that empathy was redundant.
//And the more I see you, the more I pained.//
Did you bring back my soul for me? If not, why do I hurt? Why do I feel?
You kept me wondering as to why I do. Why did you captivate me so much? Why was I so curious about you? Why was I so infatuated with you? Why do you feel so.. different? So unusual compared to the rest. Back then, I had little clue. But slowly, gradually, I began to realise that beneath your smiling facade, you're crying. Crying so hard that it left you broken on the floor. I sympathised. You were lonely. You're not as strong as you appeared to be, as you wanted to be. I knew. You would be surprised that I know. You thought that you had it covered up brilliantly, but you forgot one very important detail. I had eyes that others didn't. A great actor, you were, for if not so, why would your friends fall for your acting? They believed that you're happy. But you weren't. You're far from it. You needed solace. You needed someone.
You needed me..
//Just like I needed you..//
It hurt when I see how much you longed for me and I couldn't reciprocate that. I would, if I could. I wanted to, but I didn't know how. That night I came home only to find you crouching in the corner of your dark room. I wanted to turn on the lights but your soft voice stopped me. You refused to let me do so. I was worried. You're the first person I ever felt anything for. So I approached your shadowy figure, in an attempt to see you better. You were hugging your knees as your whole body leaned against the white plaster wall. For a split second, I thought you looked like a lost child in a war-torn colony, desperately searching for someone, anyone to hold on to. The moon bathed you in its silvery glow and I could briefly see your tear-streaked face. The gentle breeze carried your blond streaked hair, your brown bangs contrasted strikingly against that pale face of yours. Your dark brown eyes shifted their gaze from the window as you looked at me with your ghostly stare. It was eerily silent as I saw your eyes well up with a fresh batch of tears. It seemed like the mere sight of me made you grieve more. It only took you a complete two seconds before one fell unbidden down the contour of your soft cheek. It hurt to see you cry. So, I gathered your trembling body and enveloped you in a loose embrace.
"MinWoo.."
Your voice wavered. Your dignity faltered. You were surprised and your whole body stiffened. But soon enough, your barriers dissolved and you broke down. You tightened your grip on my denim jacket and started to shed your silent tears. I could do nothing except to hold your trembling form. I didn't know how else to comfort you, but you didn't seem to mind at all. Inwardly, I was relieved. Later in the night, we fell asleep like that in each other arms, on the hard floor by your window.
The next morning, you apologised for acting so silly the previous night. Your porcelain face was slightly flushed as you stuttered, trying to find a more suitable phrase for your carefully synthesized explanation. You didn't notice that I didn't need any. You said you didn't know what happened to you but sincerely thanked me for being there when you were down. Of course, I didn't respond. You were lying. You knew exactly why you cried. One look at the longing in your eyes, and I knew you needed me. That was why I hugged you. That was when I realised why it pained me to see you. I looked at you, and I saw myself. I was hurting. I needed someone as well. And I think.. I needed you. More than I needed anyone else. All these while, I did. But of course I didn't know I did. Even if the thought ever crossed my mind, I didn't acknowledge it. I said I was sympathetic to you. But it's more of I was taking pity on myself. My sorry self. It hurt to see you the way you were, for it hurt to see me the way I was as well. Perhaps that was why I thought of you as special. So different from the rest, yet so similar to myself.. I thought it was some kind of morbid narcissism, for so far, I only knew how to care for myself. Given my predicament, it was hard to really put my trust in anybody. No one before you had ever made a mark in my life. Others always took advantage of someone else's weakness.
But you're different from them, are you not?
//We needed each other..//
I couldn't remember when you became such an important part of my life. Someone so essential, whom I couldn't live without. Someone who could actually made me feel.. Someone who mattered a lot in my being. You're that special to me, did you know that? I guessed that you didn't. You're not to blame actually. I never did show it to you how much exactly your presence meant to me. After all, I never did articulate how I really feel. Then again, how could I, when it took me such a long a time to come to terms with what I felt. Everything I felt, each emotion was brand new. And you were once the condemnation of my existence. When you stepped into my life, I lost the fragile balance my heart had with my mind. I lost control of myself. I was falling into a bottomless pit of something I never knew. I hated you for upsetting the equilibrium in my life. However, I decided that it wasn't that bad after all. In a way, I was glad you did interfere. Life seemed meaningless and my future looked bleak before you. You painted my world. You changed everything.
//You loved me..//
Unconditionally. Despite my shortcomings.
I didn't want to see you cry anymore. It hurt.
I didn't want to see you sad anymore. It hurt too.
You changed me.. And I think it's time for me to return the favour.
Previously, I would have thought twice in thinking of doing something for others, or maybe I wouldn't even have harboured that kind of thoughts in the first place. But you're an exception. You're always an exception in my life. I never worry for anyone. You're the first. I never spared a thought for anybody. I did for you. I never loved anyone. But I think, I'm falling in love with you. And it hurt to know that you would never realise it. After all, I couldn't speak. How do I expect you to know?
//I love you.//
If only you'd admit yours to me.
Then I'd convey mine to you.
//When I look at you, I'm looking at myself.//
That's how I know that you love me.. For I love you back.
//When you look at me, are you looking at yourself too?//
-End-
Author: qing_ren / 79_percent
Rating: PG-13
Form: One-shot
Fandom: Shinhwa
Pairing: MinSung
Genre: Angst
Notes: First fic to ever come out of the closet. n.n Prequel to Addict.
A Shinhwa One Shot
"At Heart"
~^^*~
//When I look at you, it's as if I'm looking at another me.//
It's weird. You're the last person on earth that anyone would mistake as myself. You had such a pretty face, tall figure and feminine demeanour. Me? No one would mistake me as a girl, that's for one. And yet, I felt that you're similar to myself. I never thought that I would felt this way for anyone, let alone you. I never felt anything since young. I never felt that I actually existed in this world.. It actually appeared as if I had sold my soul. They said that Man is a sentient being. I doubted I was one. Nothing mattered much to me. It had always been that way.. Until I found you. At that very moment our eyes met for the first time, I felt a pang of.. something in my heart. Something that I had never known for the past almost two decades.
My mother died when I was a mere five year old. I couldn't even remember her face. What I could recall was only the crimson blood she shed and the warm tears she cried as I lay helplessly in her arms. It surprised me that I wasn't brutally killed as well. I didn't even know why we were attacked in the first place. That night.. was a pure nightmare. My very own hideous, stygian past that I'd rather forget than have it flawlessly etched in my photographic memory. Ironically, Fate chose the latter as a gift for me. After that incident, my father fell into such deep sorrow that he seek comfort in his work. Fabricated contentment that cut him off from the rest of the world. He wallowed in and never resurfaced. He never did return to me. From that moment onwards, I was neglected. I guessed I reminded him too much of my late mother. After all, I did bear a close resemblance to her. I didn't care much. For I couldn't feel anymore. Since then, I was numb. You cried your heart out when I wrote you all these. You have such a fragile heart it would do you more harm than good. You felt too much about practically everything for everybody. That was one thing about you that was very different from me. You could feel. I couldn't. You once asked me why I never smiled. When I didn't answer your question, as per normal, you said that I was reluctant to. Then you gave me a small smile before returning back to your room. But you were wrong. It's not about the reluctance.. Instead, I felt that there was no need to. Or rather, I didn't know how to. I'd forgotten how to feel happy. Or sad. Or angry. Whatever. I couldn't feel anything anymore since that fateful night.
//But whenever I see you, I hurt.//
And it confused me.
You loved me, I know. I could see it the very moment we met. I think I realised it even before you did. And I think, had I known how to love then, I would have fallen for your ethereal beauty first. With such an attractive face, beautiful eyes, sweet smile and gentle voice, it's hard for anyone not to. But not I. At least, not yet. You only intrigued me for you were the first person to ever made me feel anything at all after so long. I thought I could only think of myself. My world had me as its axis and nothing else mattered. I was ruthless, in a sense. I never spared a thought for others. I always thought compassion was unnecessary, that empathy was redundant.
//And the more I see you, the more I pained.//
Did you bring back my soul for me? If not, why do I hurt? Why do I feel?
You kept me wondering as to why I do. Why did you captivate me so much? Why was I so curious about you? Why was I so infatuated with you? Why do you feel so.. different? So unusual compared to the rest. Back then, I had little clue. But slowly, gradually, I began to realise that beneath your smiling facade, you're crying. Crying so hard that it left you broken on the floor. I sympathised. You were lonely. You're not as strong as you appeared to be, as you wanted to be. I knew. You would be surprised that I know. You thought that you had it covered up brilliantly, but you forgot one very important detail. I had eyes that others didn't. A great actor, you were, for if not so, why would your friends fall for your acting? They believed that you're happy. But you weren't. You're far from it. You needed solace. You needed someone.
You needed me..
//Just like I needed you..//
It hurt when I see how much you longed for me and I couldn't reciprocate that. I would, if I could. I wanted to, but I didn't know how. That night I came home only to find you crouching in the corner of your dark room. I wanted to turn on the lights but your soft voice stopped me. You refused to let me do so. I was worried. You're the first person I ever felt anything for. So I approached your shadowy figure, in an attempt to see you better. You were hugging your knees as your whole body leaned against the white plaster wall. For a split second, I thought you looked like a lost child in a war-torn colony, desperately searching for someone, anyone to hold on to. The moon bathed you in its silvery glow and I could briefly see your tear-streaked face. The gentle breeze carried your blond streaked hair, your brown bangs contrasted strikingly against that pale face of yours. Your dark brown eyes shifted their gaze from the window as you looked at me with your ghostly stare. It was eerily silent as I saw your eyes well up with a fresh batch of tears. It seemed like the mere sight of me made you grieve more. It only took you a complete two seconds before one fell unbidden down the contour of your soft cheek. It hurt to see you cry. So, I gathered your trembling body and enveloped you in a loose embrace.
"MinWoo.."
Your voice wavered. Your dignity faltered. You were surprised and your whole body stiffened. But soon enough, your barriers dissolved and you broke down. You tightened your grip on my denim jacket and started to shed your silent tears. I could do nothing except to hold your trembling form. I didn't know how else to comfort you, but you didn't seem to mind at all. Inwardly, I was relieved. Later in the night, we fell asleep like that in each other arms, on the hard floor by your window.
The next morning, you apologised for acting so silly the previous night. Your porcelain face was slightly flushed as you stuttered, trying to find a more suitable phrase for your carefully synthesized explanation. You didn't notice that I didn't need any. You said you didn't know what happened to you but sincerely thanked me for being there when you were down. Of course, I didn't respond. You were lying. You knew exactly why you cried. One look at the longing in your eyes, and I knew you needed me. That was why I hugged you. That was when I realised why it pained me to see you. I looked at you, and I saw myself. I was hurting. I needed someone as well. And I think.. I needed you. More than I needed anyone else. All these while, I did. But of course I didn't know I did. Even if the thought ever crossed my mind, I didn't acknowledge it. I said I was sympathetic to you. But it's more of I was taking pity on myself. My sorry self. It hurt to see you the way you were, for it hurt to see me the way I was as well. Perhaps that was why I thought of you as special. So different from the rest, yet so similar to myself.. I thought it was some kind of morbid narcissism, for so far, I only knew how to care for myself. Given my predicament, it was hard to really put my trust in anybody. No one before you had ever made a mark in my life. Others always took advantage of someone else's weakness.
But you're different from them, are you not?
//We needed each other..//
I couldn't remember when you became such an important part of my life. Someone so essential, whom I couldn't live without. Someone who could actually made me feel.. Someone who mattered a lot in my being. You're that special to me, did you know that? I guessed that you didn't. You're not to blame actually. I never did show it to you how much exactly your presence meant to me. After all, I never did articulate how I really feel. Then again, how could I, when it took me such a long a time to come to terms with what I felt. Everything I felt, each emotion was brand new. And you were once the condemnation of my existence. When you stepped into my life, I lost the fragile balance my heart had with my mind. I lost control of myself. I was falling into a bottomless pit of something I never knew. I hated you for upsetting the equilibrium in my life. However, I decided that it wasn't that bad after all. In a way, I was glad you did interfere. Life seemed meaningless and my future looked bleak before you. You painted my world. You changed everything.
//You loved me..//
Unconditionally. Despite my shortcomings.
I didn't want to see you cry anymore. It hurt.
I didn't want to see you sad anymore. It hurt too.
You changed me.. And I think it's time for me to return the favour.
Previously, I would have thought twice in thinking of doing something for others, or maybe I wouldn't even have harboured that kind of thoughts in the first place. But you're an exception. You're always an exception in my life. I never worry for anyone. You're the first. I never spared a thought for anybody. I did for you. I never loved anyone. But I think, I'm falling in love with you. And it hurt to know that you would never realise it. After all, I couldn't speak. How do I expect you to know?
//I love you.//
If only you'd admit yours to me.
Then I'd convey mine to you.
//When I look at you, I'm looking at myself.//
That's how I know that you love me.. For I love you back.
//When you look at me, are you looking at yourself too?//
-End-