happiness is a warm gun
happiness is a warm gun
They’re 15 when they meet.
Kim Jaejoong is only some days older than Yunho but so much more alive. Yunho is a lone withered tree in the middle of his father’s business empire with his mother trying to water him back into life, while Jaejoong is an instant life-saver.
Yunho knows it’s the genes, environment and one’s own self that make up the person. He thinks that when he sums up all of the above it equals a disaster. Since the day he entered this world everything’s been on a crash course. Not literally.
But Jaejoong is 15 years old some days before Yunho is and Yunho is bitter.
After half a year Jaejoong actually tries to communicate with Yunho. He is an uhljjang, Yunho knows, and like most of them he is very vain. He also knows that Jaejoong shouldn’t be talking to the tall and lanky Jung Yunho, who has rounder eyeglasses than the ones John Lennon wore back in the 70s and a hair cut his mother decided for him.
”Hi,” Jaejoong says and Yunho feels very self-conscious and aware of all the stares they’re getting. Jaejoong is the type who hangs out with the popular - the ones similar to him.
”I love your glasses,” the flower boy continues and smiles, “Can I try them?” Yunho has no choice but to agree and Jaejoong grins (Yunho hears someone squeal behind him) and takes his pocket mirror from his backpack before gently taking the eyeglasses off Yunho. The younger one blinks a couple times, trying to get used to the fuzziness he now sees.
Yunho watches how the blurred lines of Jaejoong’s hands settle the eyeglasses softly on the bridge of his nose. Jaejoong seems to take a quick look in the mirror but turns back to face Yunho.
”How do I look?” he says but Yunho can’t see his face. He only hears the genuine anticipation in Jaejoong’s voice.
”I can’t see,” Yunho mumbles as an answer, an honest answer that is and Jaejoong freezes. He chuckles.
”Sorry, I forgot,” Jaejoong giggles out and ruffles his own hair. “Well, can I take a picture with your phone? So you could see.” Yunho agrees and does not say out loud what he wonders, why don’t you use your own phone. He hands his Samsung to the boy before him and watches how the blurry Jaejoong makes a pose before taking the shot.
He hands the phone back along with his eyeglasses.
”I’ll give you my number so you can send it to me, okay?” Yunho nods. He’s uncomfortable and wants to get out of this situation fastfastfast, fast so he wouldn’t have to be the centre of attention.
The bell rings just when Yunho has written the number down and Jaejoong has to run for his class. He crumples the paper into the pocket of his pants and tries to forget about the scene that just took place.
The teacher enters the room.
When Yunho gets home in the evening, he remembers what he had promised earlier today and flips open his cell phone. He accesses the photo folder and opens the only picture he has there (Yunho does not enjoy photographing himself like most of the Korean teenagers do).
It’s a picture of Jaejoong doing a cute face at the camera wearing his dorky glasses and the corner of Yunho’s mouth twitches. He selects the send option and quickly types the number he had received that day from Jaejoong.
Message sent.
It’s not long before he receives a reply.
i’ve posted it to my cyworld and i also mentioned you. check it out!
And when Jung Yunho opens Jaejoong’s Cyworld and sees the description of the new picture, he almost chokes.
taken with the cool guy yunho’s cell phone, me wearing the cool guy yunho’s glasses!
And he sees the comments about the glasses, so cute, so adorable, why is youngwoong-sshi so pretty with those, my father has similar ones. should i try them like jaejoongie did?
That night Yunho feels like hitting himself with his collection of Edgar Allan Poe’s short stories.
Jaejoong insists on hanging out with Yunho.
Yunho doesn’t understand it.
When the term is about to end Yunho finds Jaejoong asking for a picture of the two of them together. Jung Yunho is still the same tall, lanky and withered tree but now on the backyard of his father’s business empire. His father had decided that Yunho’s younger brother would be taking over the company, not Yunho. Never Yunho.
’You’re not my child,’ he had said, ‘You never were my child. It was an illusion. You’re not my flesh and blood but I still love you. I still love you but you won’t be getting my company.’
Jung Yunho is bitter but not when Jaejoong asks for a picture. Yunho has no choice but to agree. It’s Kim Jaejoong, after all, someone foreign before but now somewhat discovered.
Jaejoong shakes his head in disapproval. He ruffles Yunho’s hair out of the style it was before, out of the style his mother had decided for him, and chuckles. It seems that the glasses have to go, too. Yunho sees blurred lines.
”This way you look so much better, you know,” and Yunho can’t help but think how shallow Jaejoong is. He can’t even take a picture with him before making him unrecognizable.
Jaejoong is shallow but Yunho knows that one day he will learn.
The picture is on Jaejoong’s Cyworld the next day and there are lots of questions asking about the guy next to their Youngwoong.
Yunho gets paranoid and doesn’t leave his house for the weekend.
The turning point for Jaejoong was the autumn of when they were 17.
Yunho notices how Kim Jaejoong was getting less and less visitors each day, week, month - how his popularity was slowly dropping. His friends disappeared the same way his visitors did.
One day Jung Yunho understood how insecure Jaejoong was when he showed up at his doorstep, asking if he could sleep there. Of course Yunho’s parents agreed - Yunho never brought friends home - and they prepared a mattress for him. Jaejoong was unexpectedly polite and even helped mrs. Jung with cooking.
”Isn’t he the most adorable thing on Earth?” mrs. Jung asked, admiring how hardworking their guest was being. Jaejoong just grinned cutely and thanked her.
They were trying to sleep - Jaejoong on the bed and Yunho on the mattress.
”I’m sorry for showing up at your house like this, Yunho, but-“
”I know, Jaejoong-sshi, I know.”
”Drop the suffix, won’t you? But I’m sorry… Conquering your bed like this,” Jaejoong giggles and Yunho scoffs in mock-anger.
”Yeah, you just came here and took my bed and my food and the attention of my mother. Gee, thanks,” Yunho says with a playful tone that Jaejoong misunderstands.
”Sorry,” the older one mumbles and Yunho sighs.
”I was joking, you know,” and Yunho almost can see how Jaejoong’s face brightens in the dark, even if he doesn’t have his glasses. Jaejoong giggles.
”It feels good,” he says, a smile evident in the tone of his voice, “to have someone like you. I made a wise choice when I decided to get to know the nerdy Jung Yunho.” Yunho barks out a laugh and dwells on Jaejoong’s self-development. He has gained depth and wisdom while Yunho has stayed the same.
He hasn’t changed.
”You should be happy. Having the ability to change and conform to the environment. That’s a skill. I haven’t changed. I never change,” Yunho mutters out but Jaejoong intently listens. He is interested in whatever Yunho has to say. He is admirable.
”But you should be yourself, right? Since everyone else is taken,” Jaejoong smiles in the dark and Yunho wonders when Jaejoong has read Oscar Wilde.
”Oh, aren’t you witty now?” Yunho snickers and pulls the blanket up. It’s chilly and Jaejoong radiates cold. As possible as cold fusion.
”I learned the skill of being a dick from the best,” and then Jaejoong is on the floor where Yunho pulled him and he’s tickling the older one and they’re both laughing their lives away, Jaejoong hysterically and Yunho out of happiness and he can hear the bells ringing in the distance where the sun is dawning.
Jaejoong sighs out of content and lies comfortably next to Yunho on the narrow mattress. Yunho isn’t used to someone lying next to him while trying to sleep. It makes him nervous - like Jaejoong was of the opposite sex.
Jaejoong doesn’t seem to mind.
”Yunho, I’m-” a sigh, a moment of silence, “really happy to know you.”
Yunho feels the wetness on his shoulder - Jaejoong is leaning against it, shaking slightly. The younger boy (only by a couple of days, he thinks) puts his arm around Jaejoong and the older one bursts into sobs, shakes, and Yunho embraces him. He has his arms full of Kim Jaejoong and Kim Jaejoong is crying and crying out i love you, i love you with a desperation Jung Yunho never knew was possible. He has never comforted anyone so he just lies there, arms around Jaejoong and Jaejoong’s head against his chest.
Jaejoong is deep. He knows life inside out and has experienced things Yunho hasn’t even heard about. Jaejoong knows the secret of life.
Yunho is still just a shell. He hasn’t developed yet.
Yunho scores high in his CSAT and enrols at Seoul National University. Of course he has to choose the business line even if he won’t be getting his father’s company - that’s a given. His father still has some plans for him.
Jaejoong doesn’t score so well and says well, I did waste my high school life with stupid things, didn’t I? and smiles sadly. He regrets but says that he’ll be a jaesuseng and try to score better next year.
”I’ll treat you for something, ‘cause you succeeded in getting into the big one,” Jaejoong smiles and Yunho wants to say a comforting word or two but he can’t. He just follows his hyung who is walking slowly in front of him, head down - watching his feet.
”Jaejoong, I-“ am sorry and hope you do well in your next CSAT, is what he wants to say, but Jaejoong silences him by tapping his nose with a finger. He smiles.
”You’re cute,” and Yunho furrows his eyebrows, “but not cute enough. Let’s just go.”
Jung Yunho knows better than to argue with his hyung and coughs.
”So, you’re gonna treat me for anything I want?”
”Oh you leech, I shouldn’t have said anything!”
Jaejoong doesn’t do as he promised; instead he gets a job at the InterContinental COEX hotel. He is not totally poor in academics, average in fact, and his pretty face helps him get the job. They’re looking for upbeat staff and Jaejoong gets the job of a waiter/busboy (depending on the situation). They pay him a sufficient amount and Jaejoong is happy.
Meanwhile Yunho is cramming management and business law the way his father wanted. It’s not as bad as it sounds.
When Jung Yunho is 21 he meets Kim Junsu at the campus.
Junsu is 20 years old and studies dentistry. He is an interesting person, pretty like Jaejoong is, Yunho notes and his laugh is sharp and at first it hurts his ears. But once he got accustomed to it, he liked it very much.
It was different.
Kim Junsu was different from the masses. He didn’t bother to try to hide his sexuality nor the fact that he was a strong Christian. It was a contradiction many even at university age liked to note out.
Junsu-sshi, God forbids gay people.
Kim, what do you think you’re doing?
You’re not a true believer, are you?
But Junsu would grin and answer, I believe in God and that’s all that matters. I have read my Bible throughout. You should wash your eyes and then read yours.
Yunho admired his dongsaeng: he was strong and stubborn, feared no one and had a self-confidence of ten men.
Jung Yunho is the kind of man who admires people for what they have. He always searches for the skills and features he does not find in himself and he seldom finds none.
Kim Junsu is so extroverted and outgoing it’s easy to get to know him. Yunho finds out that he used to play soccer in high school, has a best friend by the name of Lee Hyukjae and an ex-boyfriend-now-a-friend by the name of Shim Changmin that goes to their university.
”He’s amazing, you know,” Junsu smiles fondly, “he knows everything and understands everything.”
”That’s why you two broke up?” Yunho inquires and feels a bit rude.
Junsu laughs. Eu kyang kyang.
”Yeah, that’s why we broke up. And you know how all the geniuses are childish? Changmin’s the same! I mean, we were together for a couple of years but in the end he wasn’t the kind of romantic I see in dramas, you know?” Yunho nods but he doesn’t know. He has never been in a relationship - let alone with a man.
”But you enjoyed your time with him?” Yunho asks and smiles. Love isn’t as painful as he had imagined, it seems.
Junsu grins.
”Of course. But sometimes you can’t help but to confuse attraction and love. It took me two years to figure that one out,” and he laughs making Yunho laugh along. Junsu is contagious, he realizes.
”What about you? With your looks you must’ve a lot of experience,” Junsu asks and takes a sip of the coke he bought from the vending machine. Yunho shakes his head and Junsu almost chokes.
”What? None?!” Yunho barks a laugh at Junsu’s face and nods. Jaejoong is the most feminine thing he has ever been in contact with not including his relatives. Or maybe Heechul.
Yunho doesn’t have many good friends. He attracts the ones who are different, who do not go by the rules. Jaejoong is one and so is Kim Heechul. Selfish, self-centered and has a poison tongue. But inside, Yunho knows, inside Heechul is somewhat kind and can’t help his nature. When they first met on their home street he accidentally mistook Heechul for a girl and that did it. But after all the misunderstandings and verbal spars, they became friends.
You know, Jung Yunho, even if you are a jerk and undeniably ugly, you are still important to the great Heechul. Remember this!
Yunho knows that it’s the genes, environment and one’s own self that make up the person. Yunho understands now how the environment has affected him.
Junsu scoffs and shakes his head in disbelief.
”If you were into men, you’d be hot stuff,” he mutters and watches the flock of female students walk giggling like there was no tomorrow.
Yunho pretends not to hear and tries not to think about it. But he can’t help it - his thoughts fly back to his past, back to the day when he first tried to comfort someone. He feels a strange squeeze in his chest and feels like he has to tell something.
He flips open his cell phone and quickly sends a message.
you are important to me
Yunho has never said it to anyone before. His cell phone signals an incoming call and Junsu nods as a bye and leaves for his class.
It’s Jaejoong.
”Uh, hello,” Yunho says groggily and feels ashamed of the message he sent before. It’s not like him, no, it’s not like him at all.
”Yunho, what’s the matter?”
”It’s nothing, hyung, actually-“
”Yunho, you have to tell me the truth.”
”I’ve never said it to you before, have I?”
Silence.
”I don’t want to lose you. I just realized,” Yunho gulps down the rest of the sentence, “I just realized that.”
Jaejoong chuckles.
”Let’s meet today, okay? I’ll tell you about what’s been going on here and who’s having sex with whom in the closets,” Yunho bursts out in laughter gaining the attention of everyone around but he doesn’t care, it’s Jaejoong and Jaejoong brings him out from the pit.
Every time.
They’re under the blanket, sitting on Yunho’s floor, reading a children’s book and laughing. Jaejoong is not cold anymore; he is warm against the side of Yunho’s arm and he feels content. Jaejoong is reading the story aloud, something about a turtle and his eyes shine with kindness. The flashlight is steady in Yunho’s hand but his concentration is somewhere else. The proximity is making him a bit too warm.
But he enjoys it.
”And that is how the turtle understood the importance of friendship,” Jaejoong ends the story and mischievously grins at Yunho, “a bit like you, right? You know the price but not the value, you’re slow and oblivious. Actually, you are a lot like the turtle!” Jaejoong laughs and Yunho smacks his arm but smiles.
Jaejoong pecks his cheek.
”Let’s get to sleep, shall we?” he smiles.
Yunho feels braver than ever and he grabs Jaejoong’s face, clumsily slamming his lips against the older one’s. Everything he knows about kissing is what he’s seen on television but it’s enough. People kiss the ones they care for. Yunho cares a lot for Jaejoong and he doesn’t want to let go.
But he does.
And it’s awkward. Fortunately Jaejoong is Jaejoong and he hugs Yunho.
”That was random,” and he laughs making Yunho laugh too. Neither misunderstood a thing. “You’re really in need of some looove, aren’t you? Get to know some girls at your university! Or men,” cough, “if you’d like. If you want, I could introduce you to someone, maybe a workmate of mine?”
Yunho settles down next to Jaejoong on the bed and scoffs, “Nah, I’m pretty satisfied with what I’ve now,” Yunho puts his arms around Jaejoong and leans in to his scent. It’s nothing particular but he likes it. It’s just Jaejoong.
Jaejoong chuckles. “This way you’ll never get married.”
Yunho sticks his tongue out and states, “I don’t want to get married.”
Jaejoong turns around to face Yunho, eyes glinting in amusement.
”Oh, what is this? Oooh, what is this? Jung Yunho wanting to be a lone wolf for the rest of his life? What would your mother say, you scoundrel!” the older man says it like it’s a scandal. Which it is - in a way.
”Marriage is pointless. Kids are pointless. I don’t understand the importance of them,” hearing this Jaejoong sighs.
”I’d like kids,” he says, “I’d love to get kids. But I won’t be getting any kids.”
Yunho changes his position and knows what Jaejoong is about to say.
”Yunho, I-I think you know that I, umm,” Jaejoong stutters (he never does so), “that I am-“
”Yeah, I know. I accept you the way you are, since you’re like family to me. I wouldn’t cope without you,” Yunho says and presses his head against Jaejoong’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. He tightens his grip on his hyung and let’s out a shh, don’t cry when Jaejoong starts to shake.
”You’re such a sap,” Jaejoong says through muted cries and Yunho chuckles.
”No, you are,” to which Jaejoong laughs and circles his arms around Yunho.
They’re silent, they’re close and they’re connected.
”Thank you, Yunho,” and Yunho kisses Jaejoong’s bare collarbones. I’m here for you.
Yunho is capable of showing emotion, Jaejoong realizes.
It’s development.
But he hopes it won’t backlash on him.
It’s a Thursday night when the 22-year-old Yunho gets a text message from Jaejoong.
pckm e up w ill you d bar usaal
He sighs and starts the engine of his car, heading off towards the bar near the hotel Jaejoong works at.
It’s the second time this month.
Yunho arrives and sees Jaejoong lean against someone just as tall as Jaejoong is with longish black hair and a grin that needs to be wiped off. They’re laughing and almost hugging each other and Yunho suppresses a sigh. Hopefully that guy ain’t some random he met at the bar this evening.
He parks in front of the two and they take a couple of staggering steps backward, laughing even louder.
Yunho gets up from the car and supports Jaejoong to the car, before Jaejoong tries to say something that sounds like puking. Yunho asks him to repeat.
”Cawwe take Yoochunnie home?” Yunho comes to the conclusion that the cackling man supporting Jaejoong on the other side is this Yoochunnie. He nods and Jaejoong suddenly hugs Yunho, almost making the other man fall down.
”Ohhhhh Yunho how I loooove you!” he says and nuzzles his head against Yunho’s chest, making Yoochunnie (Yunho wonders what’s his real name) burst into laughter (once again) and Yunho tries to regain his balance.
”Uh, I know that, but you should love your friend here too,” Yunho states trying to point at Yoochunnie. Jaejoong turns his head to look at Yoochunnie and his eyebrows furrow for a couple of seconds.
”Oh baby, come to Yoochun!” the man says, laughs and Jaejoong shakes his head in disapproval.
”Slimy Yoochun, cheesy lines! Can’t even get ‘mself a girl, ‘s to resort to boys,” Jaejoong giggles and Yoochun seems to sober for a while and scoffs.
”Hey hey, who’s the gay here?” Jaejoong gasps in mock-shock and gently slaps Yoochun’s cheek in a very gay fashion, making the two of them burst into laughter.
Yunho sighs and pushes the two of them into the car (you’re spposed t be gentle, man, gentle! Yoochun says but Yunho blatantly ignores him) and drives off. Jaejoong tries to give him directions but fails quite terribly, and Yoochun gets off at a place he recognizes. Yunho feels a bit worried but Jaejoong reassures him that it’s ok.
”Yoochunnie is a master at getting home when he’s drunk, trussst me!” and Jaejoong grins the way he grinned when he was 15 and they had just talked for the first time.
The evening makes Yunho all philosophic when he drops Jaejoong off at his place. He thinks about how the time changes people (some for better) and how the environment really has a huge part in one’s life. He thinks about Junsu and Changmin and how they were only attracted but still in a relationship. They broke it off, stayed as friends. Are they still attracted to each other? Yunho thinks it’s strange.
Then there’s this Yoochun who Jaejoong seems to know well. Yunho feels a bit hurt because of the fact that he hasn’t ever heard about him from Jaejoong and Jaejoong used to tell him everything before he got into Seoul National University. He wants to think of the feeling just as selfishness, but he feels a bit disappointed and betrayed too. Yunho doesn’t know when he became so selfish.
He has changed. He has gained depth. But did he want to change into this what he is now?
Yunho feels like an old man who has come to the end of his life. He’s been sighing a lot lately - sighing his life away, someone sings in the radio.
He still has many years to live. But it feels like his father, as much as he loves him, has tightened his grip on Yunho’s life. He feels the pressure and expectations. He is an over-achiever. He is studying in one of the most prestigious universities in South Korea.
He is attracted to Kim Jaejoong.
But that’s normal.
Yunho lets his forehead hit the steering wheel.
It’s the first time Yunho sees Junsu angry.
He sits down, takes out his lunch and starts to munch on it. Very angrily.
Yunho spares a glance at Changmin who just shakes his head. He’s just as clueless as Yunho is.
”Uh, Su, why’re you so…” Changmin pauses to find the correct word, “…enraged?”
Junsu stops chewing and glares at Changmin. Changmin takes the hint and lowers his head. He is still under Junsu’s thumb. But instead of continuing the silence, Junsu blurts out.
”I had sex with the most infuriating man last night.”
Yunho hears someone laugh on the table behind Junsu but Junsu just yells shut up at the man and continues.
”He was drunk, I was drunk and we were both horny,” Junsu begins and Yunho starts to nip his lunch feeling quite uncomfortable, “and then he was all like hey what’s up and I was all like nothin’, what do you want and then he takes my wrist and takes me to a restroom for someone’s sake!” The key to keeping Junsu content is just to nod at everything he says. He doesn’t want to say Lord’s name for no reason.
”Then he was taking my clothes off and I was saying something about other people, I don’t remember, and he just ignores me. I mean, what the hell? Well, after someone walked on us he learned his lesson and took me to a booth. But the most embarrassing part is yet to come.”
Junsu waited for a while and tested if the two were listening. Changmin quickly asked, “What’d he do?” and Junsu continued.
”He asked me to scream his name! Dude, what the fuck?! No one asks that!” Junsu was visibly furious but Yunho was trying not to laugh. “And he hadn’t even told me his name! I mean,” and the rest of Junsu’s sentence was a string of curse words.
”So, what’d you say?” Yunho asked as he took a bite of his bread.
Junsu scoffed.
”The truth, of course. He was screaming like, scream my name! And I was screaming back like, but I don’t know your name!” Junsu stabbed the cucumber he had on his plate with his fork as if it was the man of last night.
Yunho was almost crying along with Changmin - but they didn’t. It would’ve been too rude. Junsu was sensitive.
Changmin stood up and excused himself with the explanation about a meeting with a professor. Junsu frowned, “Yeah, yeah, leave me here alone to bleed! Et tu, Brute!” Yunho wasn’t capable of holding his laughter anymore.
”And what are you laughing at, sissy?” Junsu said and couldn’t help but eu kyang kyang himself.
Yunho accidentally meets Yoochun and Jaejoong in the supermarket while he is on break with Junsu. It feels all very surreal; Jaejoong seeing him with someone else that is not Heechul.
Jaejoong notices the two of them even if Yunho tries to hide Junsu and himself behind the cereal shelf, waving and shouting Yunho! and Junsu says, oblivious, Yunho, he is calling for you! making Yunho want to face-palm. Jaejoong and Yoochun are not what he wants now. Not now in the middle of an identity crisis and the disarray of his feelings.
But Junsu has other plans and pushes Yunho forward so Jaejoong could see him.
”Oh, it was you after all, Yunho!” Jaejoong smiles and looks at the shorter man next to him, “And who is this, if I may ask?” Junsu is about to introduce himself, but Yunho is faster.
”That’s Kim Junsu and he’s in a hurry, aren’t you, Junsu?” Junsu notices the tone Yunho uses but he is a devious child by nature and doesn’t obey older people.
”Is Yunho always this rude?” Junsu asks over-dramatically and when Jaejoong grins in response, Junsu continues, “Well, as he said before, my name is Kim Junsu, I’m 21 years old and studying dentistry in the same university where Yunho studies.” Yunho thinks Junsu has ended his speech and sighs in relief, but the younger one continues, “And I’m gay. Well, I guess that was obvious.”
Jaejoong bursts into laughter but says, “I already like this friend of yours, Yunho!” But Yunho doesn’t want that, he doesn’t want Jaejoong to like Junsu. Park Yoochun coughs next to Jaejoong.
”Uh, we’ve met only once, I think - but in bad circumstances, so… My name is Park Yoochun, I’m a bartender at the hotel Jaejoong works at,” he says and from the corner of his eye Yunho can see how Junsu blushes. Oh… oh. Oh.
Yunho shakes hands with Yoochun and Yoochun’s cell phone rings.
He excuses himself and answers with ah honey hello! No, no I didn’t forget about our date. Junsu’s shoulders seem to slump and Yunho makes a mental note to talk about Yoochun later to Junsu. Jaejoong shakes his head.
”That’s like his girlfriend number 3. He doesn’t know how to be in a serious relationship,” he sighs and takes a look at Junsu. He smiles, “So, how did you two meet? Tell me all about it. Yunho is such an introvert - I’m surprised he has made any friends at all.”
Jaejoong talks with a disturbingly mother-like tone.
Yunho doesn’t want it to be like that. But he is more than scared enough.
It’s autumn and Yunho’s 23 years old when Jaejoong’s mother dies.
She got blood poisoning, sepsis or something, bacteria in her veins. I don’t know, Yunho, I just-
’It’s okay, come here, don’t cry Jaejoong, don’t cry,’ is what he wants to say but he knows that it’s Jaejoong’s mother, the one who raised, disciplined, loved and cared for him. So it’s just logical to Yunho. He can’t say things like don’t cry and it’s okay.
Instead, Yunho says ‘come here, Jaejoong, cry, cry here’ and Jaejoong comes, crawls onto his lap and wets Yunho’s favourite t-shirt he got from Jaejoong but he doesn’t care. Yunho drums his fingertips against Jaejoong’s broad back, moves his hands down to Jaejoong’s waist and massages up and down. Yunho thinks this is soothing. His mother used to do this when he was younger.
Jaejoong is addicted to affection.
Too addicted, Yunho thinks the next day when he has to wear a scarf to hide the shameful marks on his neck.
It’s spring and Yunho is 24 years old. Yunho wonders why would such a free spirit get married at such a young age, at such a short notice and with a person he barely knows.
Park Yoochun was to get married with a cute, long-haired and tall model-like woman who seemed to be genuinely nice. When Yunho asked him about this woman, Park Yoochun answered ‘I don’t know - I feel like I need to settle down with the woman I stand and like’, but afterwards Yunho heard from Jaejoong that Yoochun was forced to.
It’s understandable, he thinks and tries to get his tie done right but he can’t, he has never done it before.
There’s a warm hand near his neck area, Jaejoong’s hand, and he is an expert at it.
”You certainly have done this before,” Yunho says with a fake-elegance in his voice and Jaejoong chuckles but it turns into a frown, quickly. Yunho is about to ask what’s the problem but Jaejoong beats him to it.
”It must feel hard, being caged like you and Yoochun are, not getting to do what you want,” Jaejoong finishes tying the tie and tries to smile. The attempt is ugly and Yunho grimaces.
”Well, I’m fine but what’s there for Yoochun to do? Screw around all his life?” Jaejoong gasps in mock-disbelief.
”Jung Yunho, mind your language!” he says and laughs, “like talking to a little child, am I?” and Jaejoong is about to settle his arms next to his sides, but Yunho catches them fast; keeps them in his grip. Jaejoong is cold again and Yunho wishes a thousand times in his head to be able to make Jaejoong warm again.
”Jaejoong, I-you know that I would offer you the same, if it were possible,” Yunho looks down and feels the way how Jaejoong’s hands slowly get warmer again. It’s comforting.
”I know, Yunho,” Jaejoong smiles (sadly) with hopeful (sad) eyes and Yunho’s grip on Jaejoong’s hands get tighter, and he brings them closer to his chest-
”Guys, Yoochun’s wedding will start in, like, an hour!” it’s Junsu who is standing there at the door waiting for the two of them, dressed up like a best man should be (Yunho still doesn’t understand how the two of them became friends; best friends, even), impatiently tapping his foot.
Jaejoong quickly snatches his hands back and turns to Junsu.
”Hey, I’m still mad at you for snatching the best man’s place!” he shouts and Junsu just eu kyang kyangs and grins smugly.
”What can I say? I’m just totally superior to you two losers. Yoochun appreciates real skill,” he says and sticks out his tongue at Jaejoong who just scoffs.
”He appreciates that real ass of yours, I bet,” Jaejoong mumbles but Junsu hears it and he jumps at him and Yunho can’t help but watch in amusement, drift into his own world. Is this the life he wants? Is this the life Yoochun would want? I don’t even know what’s going on, he thinks and sighs.
”Now, now kids. Get off each other and go wash yourself. We’re already late,” and the two of them obey like Yunho obeyed his father when he was younger. He wonders how he’s doing nowadays, even if he is not his real father.
Junsu stalls when Jaejoong leaves the room. He waits for a while before speaking.
”Yunho, do you-do you think Yoochun will be happy?” Junsu’s voice is raw and it gives away all of Junsu’s emotions, the ones he has tried to hide for the last two years ever since that night.
Yunho embraces him and mutters secrets into his ear and Junsu giggles, sadly. Jaejoong comes into the bedroom and walks with silent steps. He circles his arms around the both of them and sighs. You’ll get through it, Junsu-ah, you’ll live through it, he says and Junsu starts to sob.
Yunho remembers when Junsu spoke about Changmin for the first time. It was happy reminiscing; it had been happy attraction with no hard feelings after break-up. No pain gained afterwards.
But this had been one-sided love for two years, two years of unconditional dedication to one person’s whims and wants, two years of trying to find a substitute but not being able to. Yunho knows what Junsu’s been through and can’t help but wonder the different views on love he has read about; he himself has just experienced one way of love. But it’s mutual.
Junsu straightens up and wipes his runny nose with his hand, careful not to stain the sleeve of his tux. Jaejoong asks him to smile for him and he tries, but the older one just ends up laughing.
It’s a $500 tuxedo rented just for this day. A farewell ceremony.
Yunho can’t pinpoint the turning point of his life. He figures that he doesn’t have one, even if Jaejoong so insists.
Everyone has one, he says, you just have to think hard for yours. You have one. You are yourself and everyone loves you for who you are. Don’t think too lowly of yourself. You are amazing. Unique. You yourself may not be able to see it now but you will learn to love yourself.
Yunho believes Jaejoong, he is always right, but he can’t foresee the future.
Yunho doesn’t even remember how the two of them got together. They were young, they were older and then they were kissing in the Italian restaurant, ordering wrong food that didn’t fit their taste and rubbing each other’s thighs in comfort when something went wrong. It felt natural.
His life had been planned for him beforehand but Yunho doesn’t know who did it. He knows it wasn’t his father, even if he likes to say so. He wants to blame someone and his father is the closest he can get.
He wakes up one morning and the sun is dawning.
It’s like a story with no point - at least not a story with a point that involves him -, he thinks and moves his hand so it rests on the warm bundle of blankets and a body next to him. He closes his eyes.
Everything had gone smoothly. His life was fine, even if it was being still controlled (he likes to think this way, blame someone) by a figure of the past who had passed away - a figure whom he loved, though, even if they weren’t blood-related.
Why had he met Jaejoong? he wonders, sneaking a glance at the chest that was moving up and down, gently. Jung Yunho doesn’t believe in destiny. Neither does Kim Jaejoong. Thinking back on his life, he didn’t gain any depth. He is blank while everyone around him is full of emotions. He is not the main character of his life.
He is the supporter.
He helps everyone and they don’t help him - he doesn’t need any help, he has no conflicts to be helped with. He is not interesting.
But why is Jaejoong sticking with him? It’s a question he has never even thought of asking, but there’s the small, quiet, nagging voice in the back of his head every day they go to sleep and every morning they wake up.
Jung Yunho is not a portrait. He is more of a landscape painting - the background of a landscape painting. He is the horizon, the basis.
He would like to portray his own feelings but he can’t.
Yunho hears Jaejoong yawn and the older one says good morning. Yunho smiles kindly and kisses Jaejoong’s cheek. Is it time for work yet? the older one asks and nuzzles his head against the side of Yunho’s chest. No, it’s Saturday, he answers and Jaejoong crawls nearer, puts his arms under Yunho’s shirt - falls asleep.
Yunho watches him. Jaejoong is not the same after these ten years, but Yunho is. He will always be the same.
His life is not a story of self-development, he thinks, it’s a story with no point.
But he told it anyway.
They’re 15 when they meet.
Kim Jaejoong is only some days older than Yunho but so much more alive. Yunho is a lone withered tree in the middle of his father’s business empire with his mother trying to water him back into life, while Jaejoong is an instant life-saver.
Yunho knows it’s the genes, environment and one’s own self that make up the person. He thinks that when he sums up all of the above it equals a disaster. Since the day he entered this world everything’s been on a crash course. Not literally.
But Jaejoong is 15 years old some days before Yunho is and Yunho is bitter.
After half a year Jaejoong actually tries to communicate with Yunho. He is an uhljjang, Yunho knows, and like most of them he is very vain. He also knows that Jaejoong shouldn’t be talking to the tall and lanky Jung Yunho, who has rounder eyeglasses than the ones John Lennon wore back in the 70s and a hair cut his mother decided for him.
”Hi,” Jaejoong says and Yunho feels very self-conscious and aware of all the stares they’re getting. Jaejoong is the type who hangs out with the popular - the ones similar to him.
”I love your glasses,” the flower boy continues and smiles, “Can I try them?” Yunho has no choice but to agree and Jaejoong grins (Yunho hears someone squeal behind him) and takes his pocket mirror from his backpack before gently taking the eyeglasses off Yunho. The younger one blinks a couple times, trying to get used to the fuzziness he now sees.
Yunho watches how the blurred lines of Jaejoong’s hands settle the eyeglasses softly on the bridge of his nose. Jaejoong seems to take a quick look in the mirror but turns back to face Yunho.
”How do I look?” he says but Yunho can’t see his face. He only hears the genuine anticipation in Jaejoong’s voice.
”I can’t see,” Yunho mumbles as an answer, an honest answer that is and Jaejoong freezes. He chuckles.
”Sorry, I forgot,” Jaejoong giggles out and ruffles his own hair. “Well, can I take a picture with your phone? So you could see.” Yunho agrees and does not say out loud what he wonders, why don’t you use your own phone. He hands his Samsung to the boy before him and watches how the blurry Jaejoong makes a pose before taking the shot.
He hands the phone back along with his eyeglasses.
”I’ll give you my number so you can send it to me, okay?” Yunho nods. He’s uncomfortable and wants to get out of this situation fastfastfast, fast so he wouldn’t have to be the centre of attention.
The bell rings just when Yunho has written the number down and Jaejoong has to run for his class. He crumples the paper into the pocket of his pants and tries to forget about the scene that just took place.
The teacher enters the room.
When Yunho gets home in the evening, he remembers what he had promised earlier today and flips open his cell phone. He accesses the photo folder and opens the only picture he has there (Yunho does not enjoy photographing himself like most of the Korean teenagers do).
It’s a picture of Jaejoong doing a cute face at the camera wearing his dorky glasses and the corner of Yunho’s mouth twitches. He selects the send option and quickly types the number he had received that day from Jaejoong.
Message sent.
It’s not long before he receives a reply.
i’ve posted it to my cyworld and i also mentioned you. check it out!
And when Jung Yunho opens Jaejoong’s Cyworld and sees the description of the new picture, he almost chokes.
taken with the cool guy yunho’s cell phone, me wearing the cool guy yunho’s glasses!
And he sees the comments about the glasses, so cute, so adorable, why is youngwoong-sshi so pretty with those, my father has similar ones. should i try them like jaejoongie did?
That night Yunho feels like hitting himself with his collection of Edgar Allan Poe’s short stories.
Jaejoong insists on hanging out with Yunho.
Yunho doesn’t understand it.
When the term is about to end Yunho finds Jaejoong asking for a picture of the two of them together. Jung Yunho is still the same tall, lanky and withered tree but now on the backyard of his father’s business empire. His father had decided that Yunho’s younger brother would be taking over the company, not Yunho. Never Yunho.
’You’re not my child,’ he had said, ‘You never were my child. It was an illusion. You’re not my flesh and blood but I still love you. I still love you but you won’t be getting my company.’
Jung Yunho is bitter but not when Jaejoong asks for a picture. Yunho has no choice but to agree. It’s Kim Jaejoong, after all, someone foreign before but now somewhat discovered.
Jaejoong shakes his head in disapproval. He ruffles Yunho’s hair out of the style it was before, out of the style his mother had decided for him, and chuckles. It seems that the glasses have to go, too. Yunho sees blurred lines.
”This way you look so much better, you know,” and Yunho can’t help but think how shallow Jaejoong is. He can’t even take a picture with him before making him unrecognizable.
Jaejoong is shallow but Yunho knows that one day he will learn.
The picture is on Jaejoong’s Cyworld the next day and there are lots of questions asking about the guy next to their Youngwoong.
Yunho gets paranoid and doesn’t leave his house for the weekend.
The turning point for Jaejoong was the autumn of when they were 17.
Yunho notices how Kim Jaejoong was getting less and less visitors each day, week, month - how his popularity was slowly dropping. His friends disappeared the same way his visitors did.
One day Jung Yunho understood how insecure Jaejoong was when he showed up at his doorstep, asking if he could sleep there. Of course Yunho’s parents agreed - Yunho never brought friends home - and they prepared a mattress for him. Jaejoong was unexpectedly polite and even helped mrs. Jung with cooking.
”Isn’t he the most adorable thing on Earth?” mrs. Jung asked, admiring how hardworking their guest was being. Jaejoong just grinned cutely and thanked her.
They were trying to sleep - Jaejoong on the bed and Yunho on the mattress.
”I’m sorry for showing up at your house like this, Yunho, but-“
”I know, Jaejoong-sshi, I know.”
”Drop the suffix, won’t you? But I’m sorry… Conquering your bed like this,” Jaejoong giggles and Yunho scoffs in mock-anger.
”Yeah, you just came here and took my bed and my food and the attention of my mother. Gee, thanks,” Yunho says with a playful tone that Jaejoong misunderstands.
”Sorry,” the older one mumbles and Yunho sighs.
”I was joking, you know,” and Yunho almost can see how Jaejoong’s face brightens in the dark, even if he doesn’t have his glasses. Jaejoong giggles.
”It feels good,” he says, a smile evident in the tone of his voice, “to have someone like you. I made a wise choice when I decided to get to know the nerdy Jung Yunho.” Yunho barks out a laugh and dwells on Jaejoong’s self-development. He has gained depth and wisdom while Yunho has stayed the same.
He hasn’t changed.
”You should be happy. Having the ability to change and conform to the environment. That’s a skill. I haven’t changed. I never change,” Yunho mutters out but Jaejoong intently listens. He is interested in whatever Yunho has to say. He is admirable.
”But you should be yourself, right? Since everyone else is taken,” Jaejoong smiles in the dark and Yunho wonders when Jaejoong has read Oscar Wilde.
”Oh, aren’t you witty now?” Yunho snickers and pulls the blanket up. It’s chilly and Jaejoong radiates cold. As possible as cold fusion.
”I learned the skill of being a dick from the best,” and then Jaejoong is on the floor where Yunho pulled him and he’s tickling the older one and they’re both laughing their lives away, Jaejoong hysterically and Yunho out of happiness and he can hear the bells ringing in the distance where the sun is dawning.
Jaejoong sighs out of content and lies comfortably next to Yunho on the narrow mattress. Yunho isn’t used to someone lying next to him while trying to sleep. It makes him nervous - like Jaejoong was of the opposite sex.
Jaejoong doesn’t seem to mind.
”Yunho, I’m-” a sigh, a moment of silence, “really happy to know you.”
Yunho feels the wetness on his shoulder - Jaejoong is leaning against it, shaking slightly. The younger boy (only by a couple of days, he thinks) puts his arm around Jaejoong and the older one bursts into sobs, shakes, and Yunho embraces him. He has his arms full of Kim Jaejoong and Kim Jaejoong is crying and crying out i love you, i love you with a desperation Jung Yunho never knew was possible. He has never comforted anyone so he just lies there, arms around Jaejoong and Jaejoong’s head against his chest.
Jaejoong is deep. He knows life inside out and has experienced things Yunho hasn’t even heard about. Jaejoong knows the secret of life.
Yunho is still just a shell. He hasn’t developed yet.
Yunho scores high in his CSAT and enrols at Seoul National University. Of course he has to choose the business line even if he won’t be getting his father’s company - that’s a given. His father still has some plans for him.
Jaejoong doesn’t score so well and says well, I did waste my high school life with stupid things, didn’t I? and smiles sadly. He regrets but says that he’ll be a jaesuseng and try to score better next year.
”I’ll treat you for something, ‘cause you succeeded in getting into the big one,” Jaejoong smiles and Yunho wants to say a comforting word or two but he can’t. He just follows his hyung who is walking slowly in front of him, head down - watching his feet.
”Jaejoong, I-“ am sorry and hope you do well in your next CSAT, is what he wants to say, but Jaejoong silences him by tapping his nose with a finger. He smiles.
”You’re cute,” and Yunho furrows his eyebrows, “but not cute enough. Let’s just go.”
Jung Yunho knows better than to argue with his hyung and coughs.
”So, you’re gonna treat me for anything I want?”
”Oh you leech, I shouldn’t have said anything!”
Jaejoong doesn’t do as he promised; instead he gets a job at the InterContinental COEX hotel. He is not totally poor in academics, average in fact, and his pretty face helps him get the job. They’re looking for upbeat staff and Jaejoong gets the job of a waiter/busboy (depending on the situation). They pay him a sufficient amount and Jaejoong is happy.
Meanwhile Yunho is cramming management and business law the way his father wanted. It’s not as bad as it sounds.
When Jung Yunho is 21 he meets Kim Junsu at the campus.
Junsu is 20 years old and studies dentistry. He is an interesting person, pretty like Jaejoong is, Yunho notes and his laugh is sharp and at first it hurts his ears. But once he got accustomed to it, he liked it very much.
It was different.
Kim Junsu was different from the masses. He didn’t bother to try to hide his sexuality nor the fact that he was a strong Christian. It was a contradiction many even at university age liked to note out.
Junsu-sshi, God forbids gay people.
Kim, what do you think you’re doing?
You’re not a true believer, are you?
But Junsu would grin and answer, I believe in God and that’s all that matters. I have read my Bible throughout. You should wash your eyes and then read yours.
Yunho admired his dongsaeng: he was strong and stubborn, feared no one and had a self-confidence of ten men.
Jung Yunho is the kind of man who admires people for what they have. He always searches for the skills and features he does not find in himself and he seldom finds none.
Kim Junsu is so extroverted and outgoing it’s easy to get to know him. Yunho finds out that he used to play soccer in high school, has a best friend by the name of Lee Hyukjae and an ex-boyfriend-now-a-friend by the name of Shim Changmin that goes to their university.
”He’s amazing, you know,” Junsu smiles fondly, “he knows everything and understands everything.”
”That’s why you two broke up?” Yunho inquires and feels a bit rude.
Junsu laughs. Eu kyang kyang.
”Yeah, that’s why we broke up. And you know how all the geniuses are childish? Changmin’s the same! I mean, we were together for a couple of years but in the end he wasn’t the kind of romantic I see in dramas, you know?” Yunho nods but he doesn’t know. He has never been in a relationship - let alone with a man.
”But you enjoyed your time with him?” Yunho asks and smiles. Love isn’t as painful as he had imagined, it seems.
Junsu grins.
”Of course. But sometimes you can’t help but to confuse attraction and love. It took me two years to figure that one out,” and he laughs making Yunho laugh along. Junsu is contagious, he realizes.
”What about you? With your looks you must’ve a lot of experience,” Junsu asks and takes a sip of the coke he bought from the vending machine. Yunho shakes his head and Junsu almost chokes.
”What? None?!” Yunho barks a laugh at Junsu’s face and nods. Jaejoong is the most feminine thing he has ever been in contact with not including his relatives. Or maybe Heechul.
Yunho doesn’t have many good friends. He attracts the ones who are different, who do not go by the rules. Jaejoong is one and so is Kim Heechul. Selfish, self-centered and has a poison tongue. But inside, Yunho knows, inside Heechul is somewhat kind and can’t help his nature. When they first met on their home street he accidentally mistook Heechul for a girl and that did it. But after all the misunderstandings and verbal spars, they became friends.
You know, Jung Yunho, even if you are a jerk and undeniably ugly, you are still important to the great Heechul. Remember this!
Yunho knows that it’s the genes, environment and one’s own self that make up the person. Yunho understands now how the environment has affected him.
Junsu scoffs and shakes his head in disbelief.
”If you were into men, you’d be hot stuff,” he mutters and watches the flock of female students walk giggling like there was no tomorrow.
Yunho pretends not to hear and tries not to think about it. But he can’t help it - his thoughts fly back to his past, back to the day when he first tried to comfort someone. He feels a strange squeeze in his chest and feels like he has to tell something.
He flips open his cell phone and quickly sends a message.
you are important to me
Yunho has never said it to anyone before. His cell phone signals an incoming call and Junsu nods as a bye and leaves for his class.
It’s Jaejoong.
”Uh, hello,” Yunho says groggily and feels ashamed of the message he sent before. It’s not like him, no, it’s not like him at all.
”Yunho, what’s the matter?”
”It’s nothing, hyung, actually-“
”Yunho, you have to tell me the truth.”
”I’ve never said it to you before, have I?”
Silence.
”I don’t want to lose you. I just realized,” Yunho gulps down the rest of the sentence, “I just realized that.”
Jaejoong chuckles.
”Let’s meet today, okay? I’ll tell you about what’s been going on here and who’s having sex with whom in the closets,” Yunho bursts out in laughter gaining the attention of everyone around but he doesn’t care, it’s Jaejoong and Jaejoong brings him out from the pit.
Every time.
They’re under the blanket, sitting on Yunho’s floor, reading a children’s book and laughing. Jaejoong is not cold anymore; he is warm against the side of Yunho’s arm and he feels content. Jaejoong is reading the story aloud, something about a turtle and his eyes shine with kindness. The flashlight is steady in Yunho’s hand but his concentration is somewhere else. The proximity is making him a bit too warm.
But he enjoys it.
”And that is how the turtle understood the importance of friendship,” Jaejoong ends the story and mischievously grins at Yunho, “a bit like you, right? You know the price but not the value, you’re slow and oblivious. Actually, you are a lot like the turtle!” Jaejoong laughs and Yunho smacks his arm but smiles.
Jaejoong pecks his cheek.
”Let’s get to sleep, shall we?” he smiles.
Yunho feels braver than ever and he grabs Jaejoong’s face, clumsily slamming his lips against the older one’s. Everything he knows about kissing is what he’s seen on television but it’s enough. People kiss the ones they care for. Yunho cares a lot for Jaejoong and he doesn’t want to let go.
But he does.
And it’s awkward. Fortunately Jaejoong is Jaejoong and he hugs Yunho.
”That was random,” and he laughs making Yunho laugh too. Neither misunderstood a thing. “You’re really in need of some looove, aren’t you? Get to know some girls at your university! Or men,” cough, “if you’d like. If you want, I could introduce you to someone, maybe a workmate of mine?”
Yunho settles down next to Jaejoong on the bed and scoffs, “Nah, I’m pretty satisfied with what I’ve now,” Yunho puts his arms around Jaejoong and leans in to his scent. It’s nothing particular but he likes it. It’s just Jaejoong.
Jaejoong chuckles. “This way you’ll never get married.”
Yunho sticks his tongue out and states, “I don’t want to get married.”
Jaejoong turns around to face Yunho, eyes glinting in amusement.
”Oh, what is this? Oooh, what is this? Jung Yunho wanting to be a lone wolf for the rest of his life? What would your mother say, you scoundrel!” the older man says it like it’s a scandal. Which it is - in a way.
”Marriage is pointless. Kids are pointless. I don’t understand the importance of them,” hearing this Jaejoong sighs.
”I’d like kids,” he says, “I’d love to get kids. But I won’t be getting any kids.”
Yunho changes his position and knows what Jaejoong is about to say.
”Yunho, I-I think you know that I, umm,” Jaejoong stutters (he never does so), “that I am-“
”Yeah, I know. I accept you the way you are, since you’re like family to me. I wouldn’t cope without you,” Yunho says and presses his head against Jaejoong’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. He tightens his grip on his hyung and let’s out a shh, don’t cry when Jaejoong starts to shake.
”You’re such a sap,” Jaejoong says through muted cries and Yunho chuckles.
”No, you are,” to which Jaejoong laughs and circles his arms around Yunho.
They’re silent, they’re close and they’re connected.
”Thank you, Yunho,” and Yunho kisses Jaejoong’s bare collarbones. I’m here for you.
Yunho is capable of showing emotion, Jaejoong realizes.
It’s development.
But he hopes it won’t backlash on him.
It’s a Thursday night when the 22-year-old Yunho gets a text message from Jaejoong.
pckm e up w ill you d bar usaal
He sighs and starts the engine of his car, heading off towards the bar near the hotel Jaejoong works at.
It’s the second time this month.
Yunho arrives and sees Jaejoong lean against someone just as tall as Jaejoong is with longish black hair and a grin that needs to be wiped off. They’re laughing and almost hugging each other and Yunho suppresses a sigh. Hopefully that guy ain’t some random he met at the bar this evening.
He parks in front of the two and they take a couple of staggering steps backward, laughing even louder.
Yunho gets up from the car and supports Jaejoong to the car, before Jaejoong tries to say something that sounds like puking. Yunho asks him to repeat.
”Cawwe take Yoochunnie home?” Yunho comes to the conclusion that the cackling man supporting Jaejoong on the other side is this Yoochunnie. He nods and Jaejoong suddenly hugs Yunho, almost making the other man fall down.
”Ohhhhh Yunho how I loooove you!” he says and nuzzles his head against Yunho’s chest, making Yoochunnie (Yunho wonders what’s his real name) burst into laughter (once again) and Yunho tries to regain his balance.
”Uh, I know that, but you should love your friend here too,” Yunho states trying to point at Yoochunnie. Jaejoong turns his head to look at Yoochunnie and his eyebrows furrow for a couple of seconds.
”Oh baby, come to Yoochun!” the man says, laughs and Jaejoong shakes his head in disapproval.
”Slimy Yoochun, cheesy lines! Can’t even get ‘mself a girl, ‘s to resort to boys,” Jaejoong giggles and Yoochun seems to sober for a while and scoffs.
”Hey hey, who’s the gay here?” Jaejoong gasps in mock-shock and gently slaps Yoochun’s cheek in a very gay fashion, making the two of them burst into laughter.
Yunho sighs and pushes the two of them into the car (you’re spposed t be gentle, man, gentle! Yoochun says but Yunho blatantly ignores him) and drives off. Jaejoong tries to give him directions but fails quite terribly, and Yoochun gets off at a place he recognizes. Yunho feels a bit worried but Jaejoong reassures him that it’s ok.
”Yoochunnie is a master at getting home when he’s drunk, trussst me!” and Jaejoong grins the way he grinned when he was 15 and they had just talked for the first time.
The evening makes Yunho all philosophic when he drops Jaejoong off at his place. He thinks about how the time changes people (some for better) and how the environment really has a huge part in one’s life. He thinks about Junsu and Changmin and how they were only attracted but still in a relationship. They broke it off, stayed as friends. Are they still attracted to each other? Yunho thinks it’s strange.
Then there’s this Yoochun who Jaejoong seems to know well. Yunho feels a bit hurt because of the fact that he hasn’t ever heard about him from Jaejoong and Jaejoong used to tell him everything before he got into Seoul National University. He wants to think of the feeling just as selfishness, but he feels a bit disappointed and betrayed too. Yunho doesn’t know when he became so selfish.
He has changed. He has gained depth. But did he want to change into this what he is now?
Yunho feels like an old man who has come to the end of his life. He’s been sighing a lot lately - sighing his life away, someone sings in the radio.
He still has many years to live. But it feels like his father, as much as he loves him, has tightened his grip on Yunho’s life. He feels the pressure and expectations. He is an over-achiever. He is studying in one of the most prestigious universities in South Korea.
He is attracted to Kim Jaejoong.
But that’s normal.
Yunho lets his forehead hit the steering wheel.
It’s the first time Yunho sees Junsu angry.
He sits down, takes out his lunch and starts to munch on it. Very angrily.
Yunho spares a glance at Changmin who just shakes his head. He’s just as clueless as Yunho is.
”Uh, Su, why’re you so…” Changmin pauses to find the correct word, “…enraged?”
Junsu stops chewing and glares at Changmin. Changmin takes the hint and lowers his head. He is still under Junsu’s thumb. But instead of continuing the silence, Junsu blurts out.
”I had sex with the most infuriating man last night.”
Yunho hears someone laugh on the table behind Junsu but Junsu just yells shut up at the man and continues.
”He was drunk, I was drunk and we were both horny,” Junsu begins and Yunho starts to nip his lunch feeling quite uncomfortable, “and then he was all like hey what’s up and I was all like nothin’, what do you want and then he takes my wrist and takes me to a restroom for someone’s sake!” The key to keeping Junsu content is just to nod at everything he says. He doesn’t want to say Lord’s name for no reason.
”Then he was taking my clothes off and I was saying something about other people, I don’t remember, and he just ignores me. I mean, what the hell? Well, after someone walked on us he learned his lesson and took me to a booth. But the most embarrassing part is yet to come.”
Junsu waited for a while and tested if the two were listening. Changmin quickly asked, “What’d he do?” and Junsu continued.
”He asked me to scream his name! Dude, what the fuck?! No one asks that!” Junsu was visibly furious but Yunho was trying not to laugh. “And he hadn’t even told me his name! I mean,” and the rest of Junsu’s sentence was a string of curse words.
”So, what’d you say?” Yunho asked as he took a bite of his bread.
Junsu scoffed.
”The truth, of course. He was screaming like, scream my name! And I was screaming back like, but I don’t know your name!” Junsu stabbed the cucumber he had on his plate with his fork as if it was the man of last night.
Yunho was almost crying along with Changmin - but they didn’t. It would’ve been too rude. Junsu was sensitive.
Changmin stood up and excused himself with the explanation about a meeting with a professor. Junsu frowned, “Yeah, yeah, leave me here alone to bleed! Et tu, Brute!” Yunho wasn’t capable of holding his laughter anymore.
”And what are you laughing at, sissy?” Junsu said and couldn’t help but eu kyang kyang himself.
Yunho accidentally meets Yoochun and Jaejoong in the supermarket while he is on break with Junsu. It feels all very surreal; Jaejoong seeing him with someone else that is not Heechul.
Jaejoong notices the two of them even if Yunho tries to hide Junsu and himself behind the cereal shelf, waving and shouting Yunho! and Junsu says, oblivious, Yunho, he is calling for you! making Yunho want to face-palm. Jaejoong and Yoochun are not what he wants now. Not now in the middle of an identity crisis and the disarray of his feelings.
But Junsu has other plans and pushes Yunho forward so Jaejoong could see him.
”Oh, it was you after all, Yunho!” Jaejoong smiles and looks at the shorter man next to him, “And who is this, if I may ask?” Junsu is about to introduce himself, but Yunho is faster.
”That’s Kim Junsu and he’s in a hurry, aren’t you, Junsu?” Junsu notices the tone Yunho uses but he is a devious child by nature and doesn’t obey older people.
”Is Yunho always this rude?” Junsu asks over-dramatically and when Jaejoong grins in response, Junsu continues, “Well, as he said before, my name is Kim Junsu, I’m 21 years old and studying dentistry in the same university where Yunho studies.” Yunho thinks Junsu has ended his speech and sighs in relief, but the younger one continues, “And I’m gay. Well, I guess that was obvious.”
Jaejoong bursts into laughter but says, “I already like this friend of yours, Yunho!” But Yunho doesn’t want that, he doesn’t want Jaejoong to like Junsu. Park Yoochun coughs next to Jaejoong.
”Uh, we’ve met only once, I think - but in bad circumstances, so… My name is Park Yoochun, I’m a bartender at the hotel Jaejoong works at,” he says and from the corner of his eye Yunho can see how Junsu blushes. Oh… oh. Oh.
Yunho shakes hands with Yoochun and Yoochun’s cell phone rings.
He excuses himself and answers with ah honey hello! No, no I didn’t forget about our date. Junsu’s shoulders seem to slump and Yunho makes a mental note to talk about Yoochun later to Junsu. Jaejoong shakes his head.
”That’s like his girlfriend number 3. He doesn’t know how to be in a serious relationship,” he sighs and takes a look at Junsu. He smiles, “So, how did you two meet? Tell me all about it. Yunho is such an introvert - I’m surprised he has made any friends at all.”
Jaejoong talks with a disturbingly mother-like tone.
Yunho doesn’t want it to be like that. But he is more than scared enough.
It’s autumn and Yunho’s 23 years old when Jaejoong’s mother dies.
She got blood poisoning, sepsis or something, bacteria in her veins. I don’t know, Yunho, I just-
’It’s okay, come here, don’t cry Jaejoong, don’t cry,’ is what he wants to say but he knows that it’s Jaejoong’s mother, the one who raised, disciplined, loved and cared for him. So it’s just logical to Yunho. He can’t say things like don’t cry and it’s okay.
Instead, Yunho says ‘come here, Jaejoong, cry, cry here’ and Jaejoong comes, crawls onto his lap and wets Yunho’s favourite t-shirt he got from Jaejoong but he doesn’t care. Yunho drums his fingertips against Jaejoong’s broad back, moves his hands down to Jaejoong’s waist and massages up and down. Yunho thinks this is soothing. His mother used to do this when he was younger.
Jaejoong is addicted to affection.
Too addicted, Yunho thinks the next day when he has to wear a scarf to hide the shameful marks on his neck.
It’s spring and Yunho is 24 years old. Yunho wonders why would such a free spirit get married at such a young age, at such a short notice and with a person he barely knows.
Park Yoochun was to get married with a cute, long-haired and tall model-like woman who seemed to be genuinely nice. When Yunho asked him about this woman, Park Yoochun answered ‘I don’t know - I feel like I need to settle down with the woman I stand and like’, but afterwards Yunho heard from Jaejoong that Yoochun was forced to.
It’s understandable, he thinks and tries to get his tie done right but he can’t, he has never done it before.
There’s a warm hand near his neck area, Jaejoong’s hand, and he is an expert at it.
”You certainly have done this before,” Yunho says with a fake-elegance in his voice and Jaejoong chuckles but it turns into a frown, quickly. Yunho is about to ask what’s the problem but Jaejoong beats him to it.
”It must feel hard, being caged like you and Yoochun are, not getting to do what you want,” Jaejoong finishes tying the tie and tries to smile. The attempt is ugly and Yunho grimaces.
”Well, I’m fine but what’s there for Yoochun to do? Screw around all his life?” Jaejoong gasps in mock-disbelief.
”Jung Yunho, mind your language!” he says and laughs, “like talking to a little child, am I?” and Jaejoong is about to settle his arms next to his sides, but Yunho catches them fast; keeps them in his grip. Jaejoong is cold again and Yunho wishes a thousand times in his head to be able to make Jaejoong warm again.
”Jaejoong, I-you know that I would offer you the same, if it were possible,” Yunho looks down and feels the way how Jaejoong’s hands slowly get warmer again. It’s comforting.
”I know, Yunho,” Jaejoong smiles (sadly) with hopeful (sad) eyes and Yunho’s grip on Jaejoong’s hands get tighter, and he brings them closer to his chest-
”Guys, Yoochun’s wedding will start in, like, an hour!” it’s Junsu who is standing there at the door waiting for the two of them, dressed up like a best man should be (Yunho still doesn’t understand how the two of them became friends; best friends, even), impatiently tapping his foot.
Jaejoong quickly snatches his hands back and turns to Junsu.
”Hey, I’m still mad at you for snatching the best man’s place!” he shouts and Junsu just eu kyang kyangs and grins smugly.
”What can I say? I’m just totally superior to you two losers. Yoochun appreciates real skill,” he says and sticks out his tongue at Jaejoong who just scoffs.
”He appreciates that real ass of yours, I bet,” Jaejoong mumbles but Junsu hears it and he jumps at him and Yunho can’t help but watch in amusement, drift into his own world. Is this the life he wants? Is this the life Yoochun would want? I don’t even know what’s going on, he thinks and sighs.
”Now, now kids. Get off each other and go wash yourself. We’re already late,” and the two of them obey like Yunho obeyed his father when he was younger. He wonders how he’s doing nowadays, even if he is not his real father.
Junsu stalls when Jaejoong leaves the room. He waits for a while before speaking.
”Yunho, do you-do you think Yoochun will be happy?” Junsu’s voice is raw and it gives away all of Junsu’s emotions, the ones he has tried to hide for the last two years ever since that night.
Yunho embraces him and mutters secrets into his ear and Junsu giggles, sadly. Jaejoong comes into the bedroom and walks with silent steps. He circles his arms around the both of them and sighs. You’ll get through it, Junsu-ah, you’ll live through it, he says and Junsu starts to sob.
Yunho remembers when Junsu spoke about Changmin for the first time. It was happy reminiscing; it had been happy attraction with no hard feelings after break-up. No pain gained afterwards.
But this had been one-sided love for two years, two years of unconditional dedication to one person’s whims and wants, two years of trying to find a substitute but not being able to. Yunho knows what Junsu’s been through and can’t help but wonder the different views on love he has read about; he himself has just experienced one way of love. But it’s mutual.
Junsu straightens up and wipes his runny nose with his hand, careful not to stain the sleeve of his tux. Jaejoong asks him to smile for him and he tries, but the older one just ends up laughing.
It’s a $500 tuxedo rented just for this day. A farewell ceremony.
Yunho can’t pinpoint the turning point of his life. He figures that he doesn’t have one, even if Jaejoong so insists.
Everyone has one, he says, you just have to think hard for yours. You have one. You are yourself and everyone loves you for who you are. Don’t think too lowly of yourself. You are amazing. Unique. You yourself may not be able to see it now but you will learn to love yourself.
Yunho believes Jaejoong, he is always right, but he can’t foresee the future.
Yunho doesn’t even remember how the two of them got together. They were young, they were older and then they were kissing in the Italian restaurant, ordering wrong food that didn’t fit their taste and rubbing each other’s thighs in comfort when something went wrong. It felt natural.
His life had been planned for him beforehand but Yunho doesn’t know who did it. He knows it wasn’t his father, even if he likes to say so. He wants to blame someone and his father is the closest he can get.
He wakes up one morning and the sun is dawning.
It’s like a story with no point - at least not a story with a point that involves him -, he thinks and moves his hand so it rests on the warm bundle of blankets and a body next to him. He closes his eyes.
Everything had gone smoothly. His life was fine, even if it was being still controlled (he likes to think this way, blame someone) by a figure of the past who had passed away - a figure whom he loved, though, even if they weren’t blood-related.
Why had he met Jaejoong? he wonders, sneaking a glance at the chest that was moving up and down, gently. Jung Yunho doesn’t believe in destiny. Neither does Kim Jaejoong. Thinking back on his life, he didn’t gain any depth. He is blank while everyone around him is full of emotions. He is not the main character of his life.
He is the supporter.
He helps everyone and they don’t help him - he doesn’t need any help, he has no conflicts to be helped with. He is not interesting.
But why is Jaejoong sticking with him? It’s a question he has never even thought of asking, but there’s the small, quiet, nagging voice in the back of his head every day they go to sleep and every morning they wake up.
Jung Yunho is not a portrait. He is more of a landscape painting - the background of a landscape painting. He is the horizon, the basis.
He would like to portray his own feelings but he can’t.
Yunho hears Jaejoong yawn and the older one says good morning. Yunho smiles kindly and kisses Jaejoong’s cheek. Is it time for work yet? the older one asks and nuzzles his head against the side of Yunho’s chest. No, it’s Saturday, he answers and Jaejoong crawls nearer, puts his arms under Yunho’s shirt - falls asleep.
Yunho watches him. Jaejoong is not the same after these ten years, but Yunho is. He will always be the same.
His life is not a story of self-development, he thinks, it’s a story with no point.
But he told it anyway.