[March 5th] [D.Gray-Man] Who I Am
Title: Who I Am
Day/Theme: March 5th - Way of the wise.
Series: D.Gray-Man
Character/Pairing: Lavi, Allen Walker
Rating: PG
Nakama.
Lavi could remember when Kanda had muttered the word under his breath during one of those many parties thrown in order to boost morale, welcome a new exorcist--one of those or both. He couldn't really remember how many he'd been to at that point. Though it was almost certain that he was bound to find a precise number somewhere the next time he went to record the happenings of another party.
Still, somehow that word stuck in his head even when he began to get distracted by the war; by falling further into this character, this person he created himself to be in order to do his job as Bookman. Against the old man's words, he just continued to fall into it. Until he actually thought his act to be real, the fight to be more important than just being recounted later on in history, those people he fought alongside to be more than just names followed by dates written in ink...
And that word continued to sound throughout his mind each time he was reminded of his role in this war. He was to watch, he was to record; even if it was dishonest, he was to befriend and become close to the one who was phrophesized as the Destroyer of Time.
And still, each time the old panda said those words, there'd be yet another exorcist reaching out their hand to him. In friendship, in camaraderie. Even though he was acting, even though he was just playing the role given to him. But then, if all of that were true, why did it hurt to keep himself from reaching back, from asking them those words: "Let's go together"?
Why did it infuriate him when these people were continuously forced to sacrifice their lives for this insane battle, for their comrades who continued to fight even when they want to just break?
... why did it hurt to see Miranda begin to cry when she asked if she were mistaken about Lavi's role in this battle? To see Linalee cry and ask if she was still a part of this world, as if it was her only one wish above all others, afraid that she'd left her comrades behind? To see Kanda and then Krory have to stay behind while they continued forward?
Lavi was their friend, right?
Lavi cared, didn't he?
But what about Bookman Junior, owner of forty-nine names, forty-nine lives?
Some days, Junior wanted to punch Kanda in the face because that word seemed to follow him around. Nakama. Friends. Comrades. Brothers-and-Sisters-In-Arms. Something more than that. What did he care of it? Why should he care? He wanted to demand these things the moment his fist would make contact.
... other days, Lavi wanted to punch Kanda in the face simply to see that cool mask crack, acting the role as the one who could get on the young Japanese man's nerves the most. Save for Allen who always seemed to manage to get a reaction without effort. Not that the beansprout meant to get that reaction from his apparent-rival, but, well...
And there were still those doubts, those thoughts that ate away at him at night. Was he really that sort of person to these people? If he was, was it part of the act? His real self? Did he really feel affection for them the same way they did for him? More? Less?
Especially with what had happened in the Ark...
Now that was all over and while he continued on as Lavi normally would, he couldn't help but wonder if anay of them had noticed a change, anything at all. But there were no outward signs and the exorcists, the people he dared to consider friends and comrades, didn't even seem to treat him any differently than before.
This, of course, drove him insane for the first few days when he was stuck in recovery. He didn't like not knowing things. It went against his Bookman nature--hell, this whole identity crisis did.
Naturally, the only course of action left to him was to ask the person who probably knew more than he did about hiding things behind a smile and a role.
Allen just blinked at him, mouth full of the dumplings Lavi had enticed him with. "Mphmf?" he asked, pointing to himself in bewilderment.
Lavi wondered at times like these just what was and wasn't the boy's true nature. Utterly clueless one moment and then speaking wisdom beyond his years the next.
Definitely went to the right person, he decided.
He propped his chin up on a fist and grinned in amusement, admonishing, "Manners, beansprout!"
The 15-year-old glared balefully at his older friend but dutifully chewed and then swallowed before saying lowly, "It's not 'beansprout'--"
"Right, right," Lavi broke in, smacking the boy on the back. "Allen, it is."
Looking all at once mutinous and puzzled, Allen asked, "You wanted to ask me something?"
"Sure did!" crowed Lavi cheerfully before he sat back in his seat, leaning away from the slight boy in order to put his hands behind his head and give him and excuse not to meet the other's eye. "Truth's that I've been wantin' to ask for a while but somethin' always comes up and, ah, hell, I'll ask it anyway.
"Do I seem different?"
Silence greeted the question.
Then Allen answered in a fairly serious manner, "You're taller and broader in the shoulders."
Lavi nearly brained himself on the table. "I didn't mean that sorta--"
The other exorcist seemed to be ignoring him, looking to the ceiling in thought as he chewed and then swallowed another mouthful of dumpling. "Your hair's longer? No, wait, that's probably the different headband--"
"That's not what I mean and you know it, Walker," the junior Bookman stated in a flat manner, bringing an end to Allen's fun and games.
But not to the small smile on his face. "What? You want me to say something else? What do you want to hear, Lavi?"
Not knowing how else to explain without coming across as... well, he wasn't sure what exactly--pleading? whining? desperate? all of the above?--Lavi quietly said, "I attacked you."
Silence reigned once more.
Then, Lavi tipped slightly to the side.
Allen smiled up at him, left arm still outstretched, fist still against the redhead's arm. "There," he said simply with a childlike quality that left the other boy staring. "Now we're even."
The smaller boy then turned back to his food and acted as if nothing had happened.
Lavi continued to watch the boy for a long moment before he finally realized he had just gotten his answer.
With a bit of a laugh and a grin, he put a hand atop his friend's head and ruffled the white hair in a brotherly manner as he said lightly, "Ya know, I would hope things were even after all the trouble I went to get those dumplin's for ya." When the other boy merely nodded his acknowledgment and thanks, Lavi continued to chatter on, "Ya know, I heard Linalee will be able to go about the HQ unsupervised soon."
"Mnmfry?"
"Don't talk with your mouth full, Allen..."
For now, that kind of answer, the one that didn't have to have words in order get its meaning across, would be enough. For now, he was both Lavi and Bookman Junior. And if he could help it, he would continue to be both even if it wasn't exactly the smartest way to go about things, even if it hurt in the end, having to write down those names of people who he cared for and having to keep the events that occurred while he traveled with them, fought with them, sacrificed what he could for them to himself even as it all was erased by time.
For those people, his friends, his comrades... he would do what he could to keep them alive in any way possible.
-fin-
Ahahaha. I feel like I'm totally off the mark, but OH WELL! |D
Day/Theme: March 5th - Way of the wise.
Series: D.Gray-Man
Character/Pairing: Lavi, Allen Walker
Rating: PG
Nakama.
Lavi could remember when Kanda had muttered the word under his breath during one of those many parties thrown in order to boost morale, welcome a new exorcist--one of those or both. He couldn't really remember how many he'd been to at that point. Though it was almost certain that he was bound to find a precise number somewhere the next time he went to record the happenings of another party.
Still, somehow that word stuck in his head even when he began to get distracted by the war; by falling further into this character, this person he created himself to be in order to do his job as Bookman. Against the old man's words, he just continued to fall into it. Until he actually thought his act to be real, the fight to be more important than just being recounted later on in history, those people he fought alongside to be more than just names followed by dates written in ink...
And that word continued to sound throughout his mind each time he was reminded of his role in this war. He was to watch, he was to record; even if it was dishonest, he was to befriend and become close to the one who was phrophesized as the Destroyer of Time.
And still, each time the old panda said those words, there'd be yet another exorcist reaching out their hand to him. In friendship, in camaraderie. Even though he was acting, even though he was just playing the role given to him. But then, if all of that were true, why did it hurt to keep himself from reaching back, from asking them those words: "Let's go together"?
Why did it infuriate him when these people were continuously forced to sacrifice their lives for this insane battle, for their comrades who continued to fight even when they want to just break?
... why did it hurt to see Miranda begin to cry when she asked if she were mistaken about Lavi's role in this battle? To see Linalee cry and ask if she was still a part of this world, as if it was her only one wish above all others, afraid that she'd left her comrades behind? To see Kanda and then Krory have to stay behind while they continued forward?
Lavi was their friend, right?
Lavi cared, didn't he?
But what about Bookman Junior, owner of forty-nine names, forty-nine lives?
Some days, Junior wanted to punch Kanda in the face because that word seemed to follow him around. Nakama. Friends. Comrades. Brothers-and-Sisters-In-Arms. Something more than that. What did he care of it? Why should he care? He wanted to demand these things the moment his fist would make contact.
... other days, Lavi wanted to punch Kanda in the face simply to see that cool mask crack, acting the role as the one who could get on the young Japanese man's nerves the most. Save for Allen who always seemed to manage to get a reaction without effort. Not that the beansprout meant to get that reaction from his apparent-rival, but, well...
And there were still those doubts, those thoughts that ate away at him at night. Was he really that sort of person to these people? If he was, was it part of the act? His real self? Did he really feel affection for them the same way they did for him? More? Less?
Especially with what had happened in the Ark...
Now that was all over and while he continued on as Lavi normally would, he couldn't help but wonder if anay of them had noticed a change, anything at all. But there were no outward signs and the exorcists, the people he dared to consider friends and comrades, didn't even seem to treat him any differently than before.
This, of course, drove him insane for the first few days when he was stuck in recovery. He didn't like not knowing things. It went against his Bookman nature--hell, this whole identity crisis did.
Naturally, the only course of action left to him was to ask the person who probably knew more than he did about hiding things behind a smile and a role.
Allen just blinked at him, mouth full of the dumplings Lavi had enticed him with. "Mphmf?" he asked, pointing to himself in bewilderment.
Lavi wondered at times like these just what was and wasn't the boy's true nature. Utterly clueless one moment and then speaking wisdom beyond his years the next.
Definitely went to the right person, he decided.
He propped his chin up on a fist and grinned in amusement, admonishing, "Manners, beansprout!"
The 15-year-old glared balefully at his older friend but dutifully chewed and then swallowed before saying lowly, "It's not 'beansprout'--"
"Right, right," Lavi broke in, smacking the boy on the back. "Allen, it is."
Looking all at once mutinous and puzzled, Allen asked, "You wanted to ask me something?"
"Sure did!" crowed Lavi cheerfully before he sat back in his seat, leaning away from the slight boy in order to put his hands behind his head and give him and excuse not to meet the other's eye. "Truth's that I've been wantin' to ask for a while but somethin' always comes up and, ah, hell, I'll ask it anyway.
"Do I seem different?"
Silence greeted the question.
Then Allen answered in a fairly serious manner, "You're taller and broader in the shoulders."
Lavi nearly brained himself on the table. "I didn't mean that sorta--"
The other exorcist seemed to be ignoring him, looking to the ceiling in thought as he chewed and then swallowed another mouthful of dumpling. "Your hair's longer? No, wait, that's probably the different headband--"
"That's not what I mean and you know it, Walker," the junior Bookman stated in a flat manner, bringing an end to Allen's fun and games.
But not to the small smile on his face. "What? You want me to say something else? What do you want to hear, Lavi?"
Not knowing how else to explain without coming across as... well, he wasn't sure what exactly--pleading? whining? desperate? all of the above?--Lavi quietly said, "I attacked you."
Silence reigned once more.
Then, Lavi tipped slightly to the side.
Allen smiled up at him, left arm still outstretched, fist still against the redhead's arm. "There," he said simply with a childlike quality that left the other boy staring. "Now we're even."
The smaller boy then turned back to his food and acted as if nothing had happened.
Lavi continued to watch the boy for a long moment before he finally realized he had just gotten his answer.
With a bit of a laugh and a grin, he put a hand atop his friend's head and ruffled the white hair in a brotherly manner as he said lightly, "Ya know, I would hope things were even after all the trouble I went to get those dumplin's for ya." When the other boy merely nodded his acknowledgment and thanks, Lavi continued to chatter on, "Ya know, I heard Linalee will be able to go about the HQ unsupervised soon."
"Mnmfry?"
"Don't talk with your mouth full, Allen..."
For now, that kind of answer, the one that didn't have to have words in order get its meaning across, would be enough. For now, he was both Lavi and Bookman Junior. And if he could help it, he would continue to be both even if it wasn't exactly the smartest way to go about things, even if it hurt in the end, having to write down those names of people who he cared for and having to keep the events that occurred while he traveled with them, fought with them, sacrificed what he could for them to himself even as it all was erased by time.
For those people, his friends, his comrades... he would do what he could to keep them alive in any way possible.
-fin-
Ahahaha. I feel like I'm totally off the mark, but OH WELL! |D